Work Text:
EPISODE NUMBER/TITLE: 1 / Can You Hear Me Now?
SEASON: 1
SHOW TITLE: Game Changer
LENGTH: 32m 28s (thirty-two minutes and twenty-eight seconds)
PROJECTED AIR DATE: September 4th, 2023
CAST: Keladry Mindelan, Merric Hollyrose, Owen Jesslaw, Neal Queenscove
Excited anticipation is hanging in the air, so thick that Kel can almost taste it where she paces backstage. Her stride may be steady and even, but that’s just muscle memory—her heart is going a million miles a minute. Years of hard work under producers like Cavall and Raoul, month after month of pitching and fundraising and assembling her team, night after sleepless night of writing and rewriting—and it all comes down to this.
Tobe’s wave gets her attention, and Kel lets him guide her to her mark behind the podium. As she waits for the final call from Shinko, what feels like a swarm of people surround her. Iden checks her handheld, her lav, and her backup lav one last time. Lalasa gives Kel a furtive, proud smile and a brisk final lint roll. Wolset is fiddling with the cables behind the screen, and Fulcher calls confirmations from the laptop just off-camera. When he catches her eye, Lerant scowls from behind his camera, but there hasn’t been any real dislike for years now. Yuki straightens her script pages with a cheeky wink.
“Crew to stations and quiet on set!” As quickly as they appeared, the crew scatters, leaving Kel alone on the set. What in Mithros’ name was she thinking doing this? Why had she let Yuki and Shinko convince her this was a good idea? Kel can think of three other people in this room who would be better choices for this than her. Maybe it isn’t too late to back out—
“Standby contestants behind the curtain, standby Kel for the intro. All cameras rolling.”
Definitely too late, then. Kel takes deep breaths, trying desperately to center herself while the crew does their final checks.
“Camera A on host podium, Camera B on curtain, Camera C wide shot on set, Camera D standing by. Get ready, Kel. And—”
I am a lake.
“Action!”
Kel’s eyes snap up to camera A out of reflex, and suddenly she’s ready. All her preparation, all her determination in founding this company, all her hours nitpicking each detail—it all builds, ruthlessly pushing down her natural shyness and burning out the trepidation. The gazes of crew and cameras alike leave no room for anything but certainty, and her quiet bedrock of self-assurance takes the reins.
The first line—the line she and the writers had agonized over, the line that will set the tone for the episode, for the show, for the future of the company—comes out smooth and confident, commanding the set.
“Get ready for a Game Changer!”
“You want to do what?”
“I know you heard me the first time, Neal.”
“Yes, but your idea is so utterly ridiculous I wanted to make sure you hadn’t taken leave of your senses.”
“Neal.”
“Kel.”
“I’m starting a production company. Mostly scripted comedy, some improv, some game-show aspects. And I’d really like it if you took the pitch seriously.”
Neal, the overdramatic beanpole that he is, mimes zipping his lips and gestures for her to continue. Kel takes a moment to thank Yamani culture for her ability to keep her reluctant amusement hidden, then jumps into the pitch properly.
She talks about getting the idea after seeing a lack of what she wanted while interning at Conté Entertainment. She talks about the Lioness being the only female showrunner, despite the ruling years ago ending that discrimination. She talks about giving young writers a chance to prove themselves in a post-spec-script world. She talks about letting young actors stretch their wings in a professional setting without relying on being dead bodies or one-line extras on Law & Order.
She talks about a vision, a goal. A dream.
“That’s all well and good, Kel but—”
“But what?” she interrupts.
“Kel, you hate being in the spotlight.”
“At no point did I say I would be on camera, Neal. I want to showrun. I want to write. I want to direct. In no way do I want to be delivering monologues to camera.” She huffs. “I know I can’t do everything myself. If nothing else, I’ll need additional talent. On- and off-camera.”
Neal mimes tossing his hair over his shoulder, green eyes glittering. “Well, good thing you came to me, since I'm the most talented person you know.”
“Just for that I’m ordering you a salad instead of fries.”
“You're a monster,” Neal grouses. “You’ll fit right into the entertainment industry.”
“Thanks, Neal, that means a lot.”
TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND white, stylized black font, color-blocked border. TEXT reads, GAME CHANGER.
KEL V/O
Get ready for a GAME CHANGER!
WIPE TRANSITION to CAMERA A, host podium shot. KELADRY MINDELAN, host, stands behind the host’s podium with an old-fashioned stick microphone (smaller version of The Price Is Right microphone). She’s wearing an owl-print top and well-cut blue blazer. To her right, there is a screen mounted on the wall of the set showing the GAME CHANGER logo, a curtained archway, and three empty podiums. The whole set is colorful and bright, but nothing clashes.
KEL [grandly] Tonight’s guests: coming in fresh from a shower: it’s Merric Hollyrose!
Switch to CAMERA B, archway shot, follows to podium 1. ENT. MERRIC HOLLYROSE pretending to hold a towel around his waist, walks to the furthest podium from KEL.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot. KEL gestures at the curtain with a flourish.
KEL
Looking around for somewhere to hitch his horse: Owen Jesslaw!
Switch to CAMERA B, archway shot, follows to podium 2. ENT. OWEN JESSLAW holding one hand up in a fist as though holding reins. He checks the back wall and MERRIC’s podium before pretending to hitch a horse to podium 2.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot. KEL looks almost the same as before, but there’s a hint of mischief around her eyes and smile.
KEL
Tallest, oldest, last—and certainly not happy about it: it’s Neal Queenscove!
Switch to CAMERA B, archway shot, follows to podium 3. ENT. NEALAN QUEENSCOVE looking as grumpy and put-upon as advertised. Flounces to podium 3 with bad grace.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
And your host, me! I’ve been here the whole time. [collapses the stick microphone and stores it as she continues] Welcome to GAME CHANGER, the only game show where the game changes every show. I am your host, Kel Mindelan, and I’m joined today by these three lovely contestants. Now, you all understand how the game works, right?
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
MERRIC
[shaking head] Nope.
OWEN
[cheerfully] Haven’t the foggiest.
NEAL
You haven’t explained a dratted thing. [pouts]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot. KEL is more settled now. Nerves weren’t visible before, but she is palpably calmer at NEAL’s reactions. KEL stands tall, throwing NEAL a cheeky grin before looking back at the camera.
KEL That’s right! Our players have no idea what game it is that they’re about to play. The only way to learn is by playing, the only way to win is by learning, and the only way to begin is by beginning, so without further ado [dramatic pause] let’s begin.
“You’ll need funding.”
“I’m not exactly poor—I won a bunch of prize money competing in tournaments that I haven’t touched—and my parents would be willing to help, at least initially. That might not have been true if I didn’t get all those stipends from King’s Own.”
“It’s not a bad start, but you’ll need more than that if you want to do it right. Payroll alone, even for a skeleton crew, would eat that in a heartbeat,” Raoul says. “Until this thing gets off the ground, gets a subscriber base, you’ll need dedicated funding.”
“We could do a GoFundMe maybe? Although that would be hard before we actually have any content…” Kel muses.
“Or…”
She looks up sharply at her mentor. “What?”
“Well, it might be awkward, but you should reach out to Roald and Shinko.”
“For what?”
Raoul shrugged. “Conté Entertainment might be willing to underwrite your first few episodes. Roald’s not the big boss yet, his dad isn’t stepping down any time soon, but even if CE isn’t willing, Roald and Shinko would hear you out. Plus, if George is right—and he’s usually right—they’re actively looking for an opportunity like the one you could give them.”
“Huh.”
CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Merric.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
Yes.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Your word is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: JUMP.
KEL (V/O)
Jump.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
Oh, that’s it? We’re not gonna get—
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[looks at MERRIC expectantly but says nothing]
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
[rocks back on his heels, thinking hard for a short pause; to himself] Okay.
Zoom out CAMERA B, podium 1 shot, so the very top of the podium is visible.
MERRIC
[CAMERA catches MERRIC putting his hands on the sides of the podium. He pushes himself up off the ground, jumping exactly once.]
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[MERRIC is visibly nervous. OWEN and NEAL watch him interested. Set is totally silent.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[shifts her weight, considering, but doesn’t speak right away]
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
[looks like he’s about to giggle to break the tension]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[glances down at her cards, then into the camera for a moment before looking back to MERRIC] I’m sorry, that’s incorrect.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
[splutters] What?!
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Better luck next time Merric. [shifts gaze to PODIUM 2] Owen.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
Whatcha got?
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Your word is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: PEACHBLOSSOM.
KEL (V/O)
Peachblossom.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
I’m gonna smash this, okay. Here we go. [steadies himself and then lets out a textbook horse whinny]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot. KEL pauses once more, building tension.
KEL
That’s a point for Owen!
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
MERRIC
[throws his hands in the air indignantly, opens his mouth to complain]
NEAL
[cutting in] That horse is a menace. A danger to society.
OWEN
Peachblossom is great; you just antagonize him, Neal.
NEAL
I have never—
KEL
[offscreen, cutting NEAL off] Neal, your word is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: KITTEN.
KEL (V/O)
Kitten.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
Kitten?
KEL
[offscreen] Kitten. [beat] Better make Daine proud.
NEAL
[Takes a centering breath, drawing his fingers together in a straight line from his mouth to his podium as he exhales. He’s never looked more like a theater kid. He makes a sound that’s a cross between a hiss and a slightly mechanical scream. Anyone who has looked up what noises chameleons make would recognize the sound instantly. He does the lizard tongue thing just to really sell the idea.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Very good Neal, that’s a point for you.
MERRIC
[offscreen] Ooohhhhh.
KEL
And now our players start to realize…
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
NEAL
[sighs] You did this on purpose, didn’t you?
MERRIC
I demand a recount! [pounds fist on podium]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[gleeful] Merric, your next word is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: EAGLE
KEL (V/O)
Eagle.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
[does a good eagle scream]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
That’s a point for you. You’re on the board.
MERRIC
[offscreen] Oh thank the gods.
KEL
Owen.
OWEN
[offscreen] Yeah.
KEL
Your word is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: WHALE.
KEL (V/O)
Whale.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
[Tries his best to hold in his laughter and makes a short noise, deeper than anyone expects to come out of his mouth. It’s vaguely reminiscent of the whale noises in Finding Nemo, but somehow even worse, and even funnier.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[sighs] Owen, I—
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
[Makes the noise again, louder and more insistently. He also plants his hands on the podium and pushes up off the ground, kicking his pressed-together legs out to the side, mimicking a tail.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
I— [cracks up laughing, shattering her stoic mask]
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[thumb pointing to Owen] Did you factor in the tail?
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[wheezing] I’m factoring it in as we speak!
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[MERRIC and NEAL are still laughing. OWEN stands, seemingly oblivious to what is so amusing.]
KEL
[offscreen] Whew. Hag’s bones. Owen, that’s a point for sure.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
Fun fact, whales are the largest living mammals.
Switch to CAMERA D, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
No points to Neal.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[pointing into the camera] Points to the audience for learning!
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
MERRIC
It’s not trivia night, Neal. It’s “Make Animal Noises!” Mithros, let’s get on with it.
OWEN
Yeah, Merric has to leave in four minutes.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Neal, your word is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: SPARROW.
KEL (V/O)
Sparrow.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
You got it. [twitters like a sparrow with utter confidence;. he raises a single eyebrow at KEL, daring her to not give him a point]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
That’s a point for you. The scores at this point in time: Merric with one point, Owen and Neal tied with two apiece. And that brings us to our first Mini Game!
“What?”
Roald is patient as he explains, “We’re starting a new division of CE, with my dad’s blessing of course, and we want your New Hope company to be the flagship brand.”
“You can’t.”
“But we are.” Shinko’s eyes are dancing with amusement at Kel’s shock.
“It was one thing when you were just giving us some start-up funding. But this… It’s on a whole other scale. Shinko and I grew up together in Yaman, and Roald, you and I trained at the same stables. It’ll look like favoritism!
“So? That’s how the world works,” Roald shrugs. “And it’s especially how the entertainment world works—you think I got half the opportunities I did without my dad’s influence?”
“Plus it doesn’t matter if it’s favoritism when your stuff is so good Kel.”
“I don’t know—”
“If you won't do it for you, do it for your writers,” Roald says. “You want to pay them what they're worth? This is how you can do that, right off the bat. They get the chance to prove themselves as comedy writers without having to live off Top Ramen. You get to take care of your friends without paying them out of your own pocket. We get quality content that will ultimately make CE a ton of money.”
“I just—”
“Kel,” Shinko cuts her off this time. “You deserve this chance. You’ve proven it over and over again. Just say yes and thank you, or I’ll sic Yuki and Neal on you.”
Kel stops herself from arguing further this time. Everyone she knows, every single person, would absolutely lay into her if they knew how much she was pushing back. It’s time she accepts the idea that she doesn’t have to go it alone—that she has friends and family.
Support.
She exhales slowly and meets Roald and Shinko’s expectant gazes.
“Yes. And thank you both. So much.”
TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters, colorful frame. TEXT reads: MINI GAME.
WIPE TRANSITION to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
For this mini game, your sound is: [phone recording of a woman saying “I love you”]. Merric, you’re up first.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
[Dials. Phone ringing is audible through the speaker.] C’mon, c’mon. Pick up. [looks at KEL] She had a meeting today. [looks back at phone screen, gripping tightly] Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick—
PHONE
Hi, you’ve reached Mimi—
MERRIC
No!
[off-camera laughter from CASTand CREW]
PHONE
—so please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.
MERRIC
Baby, baby, it’s me pick up! You have to call me back and tell me that you love me please. Mimi, please—
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Too bad, Merric. No point for you. Owen, you’re up.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
[OWEN dials. Through the speaker, the phone rings twice before a woman’s voice comes through.]
WOMAN ON PHONE
Hello?
OWEN
[nervously] Hey, Margarry!
MARGARRY
What’s up, sweetheart? I thought you were filming today?
OWEN
Oh, well, I just wanted to check in, see if you’re having a good day, et cetera.
MARGARRY
Well, what a sweet phone call! Not at all out of the blue or different from usual. Certainly not something that’s making my father scowl suspiciously about “that hellion I trained” over brunch.
OWEN
[hits forehead with palm of hand] Riiiight, I forgot you were meeting your dad. [louder, more nervous] Hello, Mr. Cavall.
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[NEAL, looking horrified, mouths “The Stump!” MERRIC has his hand over his mouth so he doesn’t make any noise.]
MARGARRY
[muffled conversation, as though she’s covering the phone on her end]
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
MARGARRY
Did you have a specific question or something, Owen? They’re gonna bring our food out soon.
OWEN
No, no. [gulps] I just wanted to call and say that I love you.
MARGARRY
Aww, I love you, too!
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[shouting and pointing at OWEN] THAT’S A POINT FOR YOU OWEN, CONGRATULATIONS!
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
MARGARRY
[muffled shouting, presumably WYLDON CAVALL, very audible]
[Everyone on set is laughing now.]
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
Thanks a ton, Maggy, tell your father not to kill me, see you tonight, love you bye. [hangs up hurriedly]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Neal, it’s your go.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[sighs dramatically, shaking his head and dials. Through the speaker, ringing is audible.]
[A phone on set starts ringing with a generic tune.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[looks around in confusion] Do we need to cut? Cricket?
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[NEAL grips the phone tightly. OWEN and MERRIC look around curiously.]
Switch to CAMERA D, crew shot.
[LALASA and WOLSET double-check it’s not them. SHINKO, looking exasperated, motions to keep rolling.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Seriously people, there are signs to silence your phone everywhere.
Switch to CAMERA B, archway shot.
[PA TOBEIS BOON shoves his black-screened phone through the curtains as proof.]
KEL
[offscreen] See? Be like Tobe.
MERRIC
[offscreen] Don’t let the praise go to your head, Tobe!
Switch to CAMERA D, backstage shot. ZOOM IN.
YUKI
[resigned, takes her phone out of her pocket and looks at who is calling impassively]
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[stares determinedly down at his phone, still trying to connect]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
[KEL’s jaw drops open slowly as she stares at YUKI.]
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[OWEN and MERRIC looking confused]
Switch to CAMERA D, crew shot.
YUKI
[smirks directly into the camera and ends the call]
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot. NEAL’s phone stopped ringing when YUKI ended the call.
NEAL
[looks betrayed as he stares down at his phone screen, mouth hanging open]
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[NEAL pouts at YUKI. OWEN and MERRIC look delighted.]
OWEN
Oh, Mithros, that is too good.
MERRIC
[laughing] She’s way too good for you, mate.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[now beaming, not bothering to hold in her laughter at NEAL’s expense]
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[to YUKI] How could you—I trust you with everything!
Switch to CAMERA D, backstage shot.
YUKI
And you shouldn’t! There’s not supposed to be phones on set. [shrugs] It was funny though.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
No points for Neal!
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
I should have called my mother; she would have answered.
Switch to CAMERA D, crew shot.
YUKI
Sucks to suck, Nealan.
NEAL
[offscreen, spluttering outrage]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
A point to Yuki for being funnier than our contestant today.
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
NEAL
I could share her point since we’re dating.
MERRIC
So you admit you’re dating!
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
I’m sorry, points are non transferable.
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
OWEN
Yuki, I'm buying your next drink for that.
MERRIC
Seconded.
Switch to CAMERA D, host podium and podium 3.
KEL
Yuki drinks for free for at least the next year; I’m pretty sure those are the rules.
NEAL
Betrayed on all sides!
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
That's the end of the mini game—on to round two!
Kel looks up at the soft knock on her office door with a gentle smile. “Hello, Lalasa, did you need something? Did I stay here too late again?” Jump’s tail thumps on the floor in greeting from his bed next to her desk.
“No, ma’am, it’s not too late.”
“Lalasa, you’re older than me, please call me Kel,” she reminds her perpetually shy custodian. She’s still hovering in the doorway, the tight grip on the bag she’s holding evident from Kel’s seat behind the desk.
“Oh, but ma’am—” Kel raises her eyebrows, and Lalasa blushes furiously. “I’ll work on it.”
“Thank you. Now,” Kel straightens the stack of papers on her desk and waves Lalasa into the room. Jump trots around the corner of the desk and leans, hopeful for treats, against Lalasa’s legs. She lets her arm drop automatically to pet his head, relaxing slightly as she smiles down at Kel’s dog.
“Don’t think I didn’t notice you ducking my first question,” Kel calls her attention back. “Did you need something?”
“I just—” Lalasa cuts herself off then tries again. “This is for you,” she gets out, thrusting the bag forward artlessly. As soon as Kel has a grip on it, Lalasa directs her attention back to the dog, petting him and murmuring praise for his good behavior.
Kel opens the bag curiously and pulls out a navy shirt. There’s a pattern of what would look like polka dots or flowers from far away but up close are actually tiny white Yamani fans. It’s one of Kel’s favorite button-ups—a birthday present from her mother a couple of years ago. The last time she had seen it was yesterday, sitting in her garbage can, sleeve split open all down the arm after catching it on a corner of the still-in-progress set. It had been a wrench to throw it out, but it was definitely beyond her skill to mend, and the placement of the tear didn’t seem to lend itself to donation.
As she unfolds it, her breath catches in her throat. Even holding it inches in front of her face, Kel can’t see the tear anymore. The buttons have all been strengthened, and the one stubborn ink stain that Kel always had to hide with a blazer is completely gone. It looks better than brand new.
“If you’ll forgive the presumption, I’m pretty good with a needle, and you seemed so down about it, I thought I might give it a go…”
Kel finally looks up at the young woman as she trails off, looking uncomfortable. “Lalasa, this is amazing, thank you so much. This must have taken you ages.”
“It wasn’t a problem at all, and I made sure that my areas were all clean before—”
“You shouldn’t be a custodian.”
“—I started, so don’t wor— What?”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound so ominous,” Kel rushes to explain, “I just meant— This is incredible work, and if you’d like the opportunity, I’d like to hire you into our wardrobe department.”
“You can’t!”
“I can’t?”
“It wouldn’t be right, me getting a job just because I did you a favor—”
“Lalasa.”
“I mean how would that look—”
“Lalasa.”
“I didn’t even apply—”
“Lalasa.”
Kel’s firm voice finally breaks through Lalasa’s protestations, and she falls silent. “It’s not about playing favorites or repaying a favor. You are genuinely talented, and I think you could really shine working in the costume shop. If you want to keep being a custodian that’s fine, but if perceived favoritism is your only reason for saying no, I’m begging you to let yourself say yes.” She shakes her head ruefully. “My friends would tell me this is rich coming from me, but you could just say ‘yes and thank you.’”
Lalasa’s eyes are shining by the time Kel finishes speaking, hand covering her mouth. She’s quiet for another long moment before nodding slowly.
“Yes. And thank you…Kel.”
Kel beams. “Of course. Come see me tomorrow morning and we’ll get your transfer sorted out properly.”
Lalasa leaves with one last pet for Jump, as quietly as she came in, but Kel catches the pleased, if bewildered, smile on her face as she shuts the door behind her.
CAMERA A, host podium shot. KEL straightens a stack of index cards, purely for show.
KEL
The points, as we start round two:
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
KEL V/O
Merric, still at one. Neal with two, and—
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
KEL V/O
Owen in the lead with three.
OWEN
I’d like to thank the Academy—
Switch to CAMERA D, podium 1 and 2 shot.
MERRIC
This game is rigged, actually.
OWEN
Hate the player, not the game.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Merric.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
[sighs] Alright, hit me with it.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Your prompt is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: STREET CLEANING MACHINE.
KEL (V/O)
A street cleaning machine.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
No problem. [Closes his eyes and cracks his neck in preparation, then makes a noise that sounds remarkably like high-speed brushes and water moving slowly over pavement. He makes his body shake, imitating the trundling nature of the machines.]
KEL
[offscreen] Very good, that’s a point to you.
MERRIC
Yes! [does a celebratory fist pump motion]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Owen.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
Uh-huh.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Your word is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: ANGUISH.
KEL (V/O)
Anguish.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
Anguish?
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
That’s right.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
Even with the Everything about me?
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
You’re a talented young man. [shrugs] Take a whack at it.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
Alright then. [He grips the sides of the podium for support and lets out a short wail of pain and hopelessness while bending his knees slightly. He then stands up straight again, looking expectantly at KEL.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[laughing] Yeah, Owen, that’s great. Point for you. [shifts gaze] Neal.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
Bring it, Mindelan.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Your next prompt is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: A SCANRAN.
KEL (V/O)
A Scanran.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[in his normal voice, tiredly] Yeah, we moved here five years ago from Corus so my wife could be closer to her parents. They’re getting older and our kids are out of the house now, so it made sense. We still get back to Tortall once a year, sometimes twice. I do sometimes wish it were more, but it feels like for now, I should be putting down roots here, so. [dips his head in a manner indicating “What can you do?”]
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[OWEN and MERRIC are losing it.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
You know, I would dock a point for being so pedantic, but that’s actually funnier than what I was imagining you’d do. A point for you, bringing you to three points.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
Oh, you wanted me to engage in stereotype? How very dare you.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
You’re right, [looks directly into CAMERA A] shame on me for being reductive.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
Thank you.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Merric, we’re back around to you.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
Yep.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Your prompt:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: OFFENDED ANESTHESIOLOGIST.
KEL (V/O)
An anesthesiologist gets offended when their patient falls asleep in the middle of their conversation.
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[OWEN and NEAL laugh loudly at the prompt. MERRIC looks bewildered but determined.]
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
Ten, nine, yeah I just love Port Caynn in the early fall. Peak sailing weather. Where do you…Oh. You’re just gonna fall asleep? Right here on the table? Well I never— We’re having a conversation, that’s so rude of you. I should tell the doctor to botch your surgery—
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[through laughter] That’s a point for sure, Merric.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
Thank you. [brings his hands up as if in prayer and bows slightly]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[calm again] Owen your prompt is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: UNCLE CORAM PUTTING ON SHOES.
KEL (V/O)
Uncle Coram from Trebond Girls puts on shoes.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
[in a slow, droning, thick Trebond accent] Well, I was sittin’ on the bench in my front hall. Made of oak it was, or maybe pine. That makes no never mind, so I was on the bench of oak or maybe pine, looking down at all my shoes lined up there by the door all neat like when I says to myself, I says “Coram, you’ve got a lot of errands today, you should put on a pair with arch support.” Now, I need the arch support, as you’ll recall, because of Great Aunt Gemma’s—or was it Great Uncle Pete—no, it was Great Aunt Gemma, she had the highest arches of anyone north of Naxen. There was a fella who set a record for arches down in Port Legann I think it was, or maybe over in Tyra in ‘51. Or maybe it was ‘52… Well, the year doesn’t matter so much as all that, perhaps. But goin’ back to Great Aunt Gemma’s arches. Highest you ever did see, and they caused her so much trouble. I happen to have inherited them, right enough. So on account of my being on my feet all day I decided on an orthopedic pair and was leanin’ down when I suddenly stopped and says to myself I says “Coram your nieces are always on you about your fashion choices so—”
[Through this seemingly endless monologue, the CAMERA jumps between shots, getting OWEN’s performance intercut with delighted reactions from NEAL, MERRIC, and KEL. CREW laughter is heard throughout but gets louder the longer OWEN drones on.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[laughing] I will cut you off there! [seriously] I could have listened to you go on for another hour and a half.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
I could have!
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Regardless, that’s obviously a point to you, bringing you to five. Now then, Neal.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
I can’t believe I have to follow that.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
The last prompt of round two:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: BUBBLY PIE.
KEL (V/O)
A bubbly pie fresh out of the fryer.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
No sweat. [makes a series of soft sizzles and the occasional pop]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
That’s pretty good, Neal.
MERRIC
[offscreen] I’m sorry.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
[raising hand] I’m sorry, I just don’t think that’s it.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[raises one eyebrow] Oh, would you like to…challenge?
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
NEAL
Can he do that?!
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
I don’t see why not. Whatcha got Merric?
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
I think it’s something more like this. [makes a noise similar to NEAL’s, but with more pops and, somehow, wetter]
KEL
[offscreen] Well, that’s interesting—
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
Let me get in there!
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
You want a whack at it?
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
OWEN
We got a little too much filling over here [gestures to MERRIC] and a little too much fryer over here [gestures to NEAL, who looks mutinous]. But it’s actually—
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
[Makes a noise similar to the other two, but just a bit better. It sounds almost exactly like a piping hot bubbly pie is sitting next to his microphone.]
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[NEAL and MERRIC look dumbstruck.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[Her hands are pressed together in front of her mouth as she processes.] Well, now. That was impressive from all three of our players here tonight. But I think, ultimately, this point is going to go to Owen, bringing him to six points.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[directly into CAMERA B, gesturing wildly throughout] If I knew this was going to turn into the no-holds-barred, elbow-throwing massacre this has turned into, I would have played the beginning of this game very differently. And if this is the precedent we’re setting?
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
NEAL
Get ready for the back half of this episode. [points menacingly at other players]
[KEL offscreen, and MERRIC and OWEN crack up at NEAL’s threat.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
The points, as they stand at the end of round two:
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
KEL
[offscreen] Merric and Neal are tied with three apiece, and leading with a commanding six points, our very own Owen Jesslaw!
“Okay, so. First episode is ‘The Machine’ with Beka, Neal, and Qasim, plus the surprise significant others for the last round—are we all good with that?”
The writers all nod back at her question.
“Perfect. Faleron, Goodwin, Buri, Fanche: you’re on those prompts this afternoon. The rest of the morning will be figuring out what our second episode will be.”
“Who’ve we got cast for that one again?” Cleon asks.
“Neal, Merric, and Owen.”
Fanche grins a little evilly. “That’s quite the group.”
“I was really pleased we got all of them in one episode,” Kel admits. “Ideas?”
The ideas come fast and thick for a few minutes, ranging everywhere from Sakuyo Says to murder mysteries to a prize round, when Dom cuts through the din.
“I’ve got it.”
Kel hushes the rest and motions for him to go ahead.
“Improv, based around the weirdest voice acting or foley prompts we can think of. We can start them off easy—something like, I don’t know, animal noises—and then get progressively harder and/or stranger as the rounds go on. I have a vision of one of the prompts just being ‘Anguish’ with nothing else.”
Seaver sniggers. “Oh gods, Merric’s gonna kill us.”
“My cousin might not know the specifics of what he was signing up for,” Faleron shrugs, “But he did know who was going to be in the writer’s room.”
“Really, they shouldn’t have signed on if they weren’t prepared to make fools of themselves on camera,” Buri points out.
“Shouldn’t have been so good at sound effects, more like,” Goodwin offers, dry as sand.
“Alright people, that’s a solid plan. I want to take the next hour to hone in on at least a first, easy-ish round of prompts. I have ideas for a mini game to break up the episode that I’ll get back to you about. I also want to figure out at least two prompts for each player that directly targets their skill set. Faleron, you and your fancy-pants handwriting are in charge of the whiteboard. Get to it.”
The writers tease Faleron but grin and get to work, bouncing ideas around like popcorn. Kel leans over and gets Dom’s attention before they can get too drawn into the madness.
“You just want to torture Neal a little bit, don’t you?”
Dom grins at her, eyes twinkling. “The Meathead needs a little tenderizing.”
TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters, colorful frame. TEXT reads: MINI GAME.
WIPE TRANSITION to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
For this mini game, I will need some help. Tobe, would you please bring out…the items.
Switch to CAMERA D, archway shot.
[TOBE comes out through the curtained archway pushing a cart. There are three stacks of white dinner plates. The CAMERA follows him as he gives one stack to each contestant.]
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[CONTESTANTS chuckling nervously]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
For this mini game your sound is: [sound of china crashing]. As always, Merric, you’re up first.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
[holds his stack of plates in front of him and then does his best to mimic the noise with his mouth]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Thank you, Merric. Owen?
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
Do you— [sighs] Okay. [holds the stack of plates above his podium, sighs helplessly, then gently, yet deliberately, smashes the plates against the podium]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Thank you, Owen. Neal?
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[NEAL confidently walks out from behind his podium and out of frame, carrying his stack of plates.]
Switch to CAMERA D, mid shot, area in front of podiums.
NEAL
[Inhales sharply then throws the stack of plates down like he’s spiking a football. CAMERA follows him back to his podium.]
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[smirks at KEL]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Thank you, gentlemen. That will be points to Owen and Neal.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
[curses unintelligibly and drops his plates on the ground; they all break]
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[Laughter from OWEN, NEAL, KEL, and offstage CREW.]
“Keladry Mindelan, it is after six; what in the name of the Goddess are you still doing here?”
Kel startles, only years of horseback riding keeping her in her chair, as Shinko’s voice snaps out from the doorway. Shinko and Yuki have the same disapproving look on their faces as they move into the writer’s room and sit on either side of her.
“Don’t make us call Ilane, Keladry-chan,” Yuki says. “You deserve a weekend just as much as your writers.”
“I just wanted to figure this last thing out—”
“You’d come down like a ton of bricks if anyone on your staff stayed as late as you have been this week,” Yuki points out. She’s not wrong.
Kel winces. “I know, I know. But we start filming in a week, and I still don’t have a host for Game Changer. That show will be dead in the water if I don’t figure out the right person.”
“I’m hearing a lot of ‘I’ just now,” Shinko says. “What have we said about going it alone?”
“That I don’t have to,” Kel says ruefully. “That it’s okay to accept help when I need it. But—”
“But nothing.”
“Yuki—”
“Yuki’s right, you should have said you were struggling. No matter, we’re here now. So here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to talk about what kind of person you want to be the host, and then Yuki and I will help you match a person to that description.” Shinko doesn’t always draw on her upbringing as a minor Yamani royal, but she’s pulling it out in spades now, and Kel lets the rest of her protests die in her throat.
“Fine.”
“Knew you’d see it our way,” says Yuki. “Now tell Auntie Yuki and Auntie Shinko all about it.”
Kel takes a moment to marshall her thoughts—she hasn’t tried to explain what qualities the perfect host should have to anyone but Peachblossom, and her horse isn’t the most helpful sounding board.
“The host has to be adaptable, first and foremost. The game literally changes every episode, that’s the whole deal, so they can’t be the perfect host for one episode and then fall apart for the rest. I suppose we could have rotating hosts, but that feels like one change too many for the audience to deal with,” Kel starts. “They have to be an anchor for the audience as much as the contestants. The show is going to go in some wacky directions; the host will have to stand tall and steady as a mountain.”
She pushes to her feet to pace, thinking out loud. “They’ll have to be unflappable in the face of chaos, yet willing to push the bit as far as it can go. They have to be able to gauge the contestants’ strengths and weaknesses and play on everyone’s interactions. It does no good if all the banter is between the host and each contestant individually—the relationship the three players have is just as important, especially when we get to some of the later episodes like ‘Do I Hear 1 Silver Noble?’”
The words are flowing easier now, practically tripping over themselves to get out now that she’s started. “The host should have a sense of humor, able to take as much teasing as they’ll have to dole out. They should be fostering a sense of fun and safety at the same time—the actors aren’t going to give their best if the host doesn’t appear to be fully in control. It’s improv. Stuff goes wrong. But with the right host, the cast and crew will be able to take anything that comes at them.”
Kel stops pacing and looks at her friends. “So yeah. You can see why I’ve been tearing my hair out.”
But Yuki and Shinko are shaking their heads at her.
“You already have the perfect host, Kel,” Shinko says.
“What? No I don’t. Who?!” she demands.
Yuki sighs exasperatedly. “Kel, my delightfully blind friend. You. You’re the perfect host for this show.”
“Me?”
They both nod, somehow both encouraging and teasing.
“I’m not an actor. I actively went into the writing and directing tracks of the film major so I didn’t have to speak in front of an audience on camera,” she protests.
“Kel,” Shinko says, leaning forward, elbows on the table. “The person you just described to us? There’s only a handful of people who fulfill the requirements. And everyone who isn’t you already has a job. You are clearly the only choice for this.”
“But. I was going to showrun.”
Yuki scoffs. “You still can. Men have been serving multiple roles on their own shows since the invention of television, why not you?”
Kel sinks back into her chair, dazed. “You really think I should do it? You aren’t just teasing?”
“We wouldn’t tease about something like this. Not when it's this important to you,” Yuki assures her.
Shinko nods. “Just think about it, Kel. You might not believe us yet, but unless you clone yourself, there’s no one else who would do as good a job.”
“But think about it after we go for a drink, yeah?” Yuki adds with a wicked grin. “If we hurry we can catch up to everyone at The Dancing Dove.”
“I’ve got to gather my stuff and lock up; I’ll meet you two there.”
“Promise?”
She holds out her pinky to Shinko like they used to do when they were children in Yaman. “I pinky promise. I’ll be right behind you.”
Shinko links her pinky with Kel’s solemnly for a moment and then in a whirl of colorful fabric, both Shinko and Yuki are out the door.
Kel gathers up her various folders and legal pads of notes, mind whirling with the idea. She pauses on her way to the door and lets herself really imagine it.
“Welcome to Game Changer, the only game show where the game changes every show, and I am your host, Kel Mindelan.”
It doesn’t have a bad ring to it.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
The scoreboard going into round three: three, seven, and four! Merric and Neal have their work cut out for them if they want to catch Owen.
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
OWEN
[flexes]
NEAL
Yeah, yeah, flex while you still can, Jesslaw.
MERRIC
Actually both of you should be so flippin’ scared. I’m comin’ for you so hard—
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Alright, Merric—money where your mouth is.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
Hit me.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Your prompt is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: WERE-SEA LION.
KEL (V/O)
A were-…sea lion.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
No problem. [blows a raspberry while shaking his head side to side] Okay. One were-sea lion coming right up.
[MERRIC acts normal for a moment before jerking around and then ducks behind the podium. Strange noises come from behind as his limbs flail around. The noises start off like human groaning and then deep sea-lion noises start to be peppered in. MERRIC bursts into standing once again, jerking around. Then he arches his head back and gives one last dramatic sea lion yelp to the sky before settling back to normal.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Yeah, Merric, point for you.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
Hell yeah.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Owen.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
Hi.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Your prompt is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: FIRE TRUCK SIREN.
KEL (V/O)
A fire truck siren.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
Alright. [Makes a noise that could generously be adjacent to a siren and then peters into silence. He shrugs at KEL.]
Switch to CAMERA D, podium 2 and 3 shot.
NEAL
You call that a siren? That was an absolute disgrace.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Neal, would you, perhaps, like to challenge?
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[OWEN gestures indulgently at NEAL. MERRIC just leans forward on his podium in excitement.]
NEAL
You’re damn right, here we go. [He does a slow siren to start, and as the whoop whoops get faster and the drone gets higher in pitch, he starts running back and forth behind the podiums, creating his own Doppler effect. Eventually he slows down again, returning to his own podium, and stops making noise.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Very—
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[makes one last whoop noise.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[crosses arms] Are you done now?
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[smirking] Yup.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Merric, you can take a stab if you want to.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
[shudders] I don’t want to.
NEAL
[offscreen short celebratory siren noise]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
I really shouldn’t reward you for your insolence.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
But you’re gonna?
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[directly to CAMERA] For a stunning display of a siren and nothing else, the point goes to Neal Queenscove!
Switch to CAMERA D, podium 2 and 3 shot.
NEAL
I told you I’m throwin’ elbows now. Better look out.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Neal. If you could pause with the psychological warfare for a moment so I can give you your prompt?
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[mimes zipping lips.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Your prompt is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: ARMOR CRASHING DOWN STAIRS.
KEL (V/O)
A suit of armor crashing down the stairs.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[mimes unzipping his lips] Am I allowed to make noise again?
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Yuki? Call Alanna.
Switch to CAMERA D, podium 3 and backstage shot.
YUKI
[pulls out her phone and makes a show of dialing]
NEAL
Stop, stop! Hag’s bones, Mindelan, you play dirty, I’ll behave.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Thank you, Yuki. Neal, go ahead.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[Does the whole “pretending to walk down stairs behind a wall” bit, making a clanking noise with each step. He“trips” and releases an impressive cacophony of sounds, before coming to a rest face down on the floor, head just visible beyond his podium.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
That’s another point for Neal, bringing him to six, just one behind Owen.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[pops to his feet] Sweet.
KEL
[offscreen] Merric?
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
MERRIC
Yeah.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Your next prompt is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: REJECTED GOLDENLAKE INSURANCE JINGLES.
KEL (V/O)
A rejected jingle for Goldenlake Insurance.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
[to the CAMERA] Forgive me, Raoul; I just work here. Okay. [settles in and then sings badly] Dip your car in the Goldenlake.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
That was good, but I do wonder if we can do better.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
[scoffs affronted]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
I’m going to toss it to the other two players. Owen, you first.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
Umm… [sings, surprisingly well] We sell insurance, bum ba da bum bum ba bum.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Certainly would have been rejected, yes. Neal?
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
Let us shower you in a Golden [beat] lake. [sings] Goldenlake Insuuuuraaaaaaance. [jazz hands]
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[MERRIC and OWEN doubled over laughing]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[wiping her eyes] Point to Neal, for sure. Gods all bless, that was hysterical.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
Thank you, I try.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
And you’re now tied with…[shifts gaze] Owen.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
Mmhmm.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Your next prompt is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: TOWN CRIER MESSES UP THE WHOLE ROUTINE.
KEL (V/O)
A town crier messes up the whole routine.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
Oy-eez, oy-eez. I mean— Hear you— Shit. Hear ye, hear ye. Come gather close and listen well. I have been charged with delivering this royal decree: [mimes unrolling a scroll] “As of this day, I, King Roald of Conté”—well I mean, I’m not King Roald, you’re supposed to imagine that he’s saying this stuff—“King Roald of Conté, do declare that henceforth there shall be”— Sorry, me again.
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
OWEN
[Beckons MERRIC closer. MERRIC comes. OWEN mimes tipping the “scroll” toward MERRIC’s face and pointing at a word.] Do you know how to pronounce this word?
MERRIC
“Re-joy-sing.”
OWEN
Got it, got it—thank you so much. “Henceforth there shall be ‘ruh-jow-zing’ throughout the lands—”
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
I will cut you off there, Owen, that’s a point for sure.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
[makes an elaborate bow]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
And actually, a participation point for Merric as well.
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
MERRIC
Why thank you, m’lady.
NEAL
What?
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[totally stone faced] Occasionally I like to indulge my sense of whimsy.
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[MERRIC and OWEN fistbump between their podiums. NEAL is visibly pouting.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Neal.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
Uh-huh.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
For the chance to take the lead, your next prompt is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: JOUSTING HORSE INNER MONOLOGUE.
KEL (V/O)
The inner monologue of the first horse ever ridden in a joust.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[nods, does a centering motion with his hand] Gods you’re heavy today. Did we have to wear the full plate armor just to walk through the festival grounds? The barding you put on me is really heavy—and hot. Also it’s poking me a little. What are you doing? Why is that knight down the other end? What’s with the railing down the center of this field? Oh, there is no reason for you to have a lance right now—we’re not at war! Ow! Mind your spurs!
[tosses head in the manner of a restless horse and whinnies aggressively] Fine, I’ll canter but I won’t be happy about it.
[starts bouncing and pretending to run out of breath] Oh great, the other guy is cantering, too. Oh, it’s Moonlight and Sir Patrick— Hi, Moonlight! [twitches] What have I told you about those spurs, young man? [muttering breathlessly] I can’t believe you’re making me gallop on a Saturday— Whoa. Whoa! Too close, too close, too close, too close, too—
[makes noise like a lance hitting a shield and a passable Wilhelm Scream] Aaaaaaand, you got knocked out of the saddle. Stellar. I’ll never hear the end of this back at the stables.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Excellent, Neal, that’s a point. Which gives you eight and once again tied for the lead!
[offscreen polite clapping from the other CONTESTANTS]
Merric, we’re back to you for the last time.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
The last time? Already?
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
I know! I could do this all day and be totally content.
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
NEAL
You must have cackled a bit in the writer’s room when you came up with this episode.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
I will say, when we realized it was you three…it all just fell into place. Although, your cousin had a lot to do with the initial idea.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[darkly] Dom has a lot to answer for.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Now then, Merric. Are you ready for your final prompt of the game?
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
[deep breath] Let’s do it.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Your last prompt is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: OVER-EMOTIONAL HOCKEY PLAYER POST-GAME INTERVIEW
KEL (V/O)
A hockey player keeps getting overcome with emotion during a post-game interview.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
Alright, here we go. [to himself but still audible] This one’s for all the marbles, gotta go out on top Hollyrose.
[He leans against his podium and bobs his head with a blank smile, in a mockery of every hockey player in a post-game interview. He speaks with a slower, stereotypical dude-bro athlete voice.] How do I think the game went? Well we won, so that’s always great. We just kept connecting with our passes and getting pucks in deep. And that’s—[chokes up] That’s important for sure, but I wouldn’t have scored without all the other guys out there on the ice with me. We’re a team. No, we’re more than that. We’re a [bleep]ing family. I know, in my bones, that they were with me all the way today.
[He thumps his fist against his heart.] I know it in here. We were just really hustling out there, playing a full sixty, one hundred and ten percent. One mind, one plan, one heart.
[He’s fully crying now] I feel like we made my dad proud tonight, you know?
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
I will cut you off there, thank you, Merric. You can take that sixth point with pride.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 1 shot.
MERRIC
[wiping his eyes on his sleeve] I was legit crying through that. I have a headache now, gods.
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
NEAL
The prompt is over, Hollyrose, you don’t need to keep harping on.
OWEN
[chokes on his water]
MERRIC
[sniffs] Manners cost nothing, Nealan.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Claws away, please, or I’ll start docking points.
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
NEAL Yes, Mother.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL You’re on thin ice, my friend. [turns to OWEN] Owen, are you ready?
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
Yes.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Your final prompt is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: COUGH MEDICINE COFFEE = BAD NEWS AT WORK.
KEL (V/O)
You took cough medicine and had coffee, and now you can’t calm down, but you have to try to act normal during your work presentation.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 2 shot.
OWEN
[twitching and speaking really quickly] Thank you all for coming. If you’ll direct your attention to the screen [speeds up even more, basically unintelligible] you’llseethatwehavecollatedthecompany’sdatafromthelastsixmonthsanditclearlyshowsanupwardtrend. [gestures wildly, but tries to rein it in; somehow, speaks even faster now] Ifwestayonthispaththere’severyindicationthatthistrendcouldbecomeevenmorestableandultimatelyenableustoprovidesignificantraisesacrossthecompanywithoutreducingprofits. [deep breath and speaking extra slowly to make up for the earlier speed] Annnnnyyyyy queeeeesssstionssssss?
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Very nice, Owen. That’s a last point for you, bringing you to a total of nine for the episode!
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
OWEN
[mocking] Yeah, boyyyyyyy.
MERRIC
Hey. Hey, Neal! Don’t choke!
NEAL Third place says what?
MERRIC
What?
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Eyes on me, gentlemen. Neal, it’s your last prompt; are you ready?
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
I was born ready.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Neal. Your final prompt, and the final prompt of the episode, is:
Switch to TITLE CARD, BACKGROUND is white, thick black letters. TEXT reads: INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH BUT ON HELIUM
KEL (V/O)
Perform an inspirational speech, but the speaker just inhaled a huge amount of helium.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
Any speech?
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
Any speech your heart desires. Just make it extra squeaky.
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
MERRIC
You’re enjoying yourself way too much.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[deadpan, holding a bag of popcorn] What makes you say that?
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[strides out from behind his podium]
Switch to CAMERA D, mid shot, area in front of podiums.
[CAMERA follows NEAL as he paces dramatically in the open playing space.]
NEAL
[inhales sharply then speaks with a helium-affected voice] Sons of Gondor! Of Rohan! My brothers.
[OWEN and MERRIC are giggling in the background]
[NEAL stops center stage and stares directly into CAMERA] I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. [resumes pacing] A day may come when the courage of Men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, [voice going back to normal] but it is not— Oh, sorry. [breaks character]
[offscreen, the CREW, CONTESTANTS, and KEL are all in hysterics]
[NEAL mimes inhaling more helium from a balloon. When he resumes speaking, his voice is high-pitched once again.] —it is not this day. An hour of wolves, of shattered shields, when the Age of Men comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we fight! [stops center stage and punches fist into the air as though holding a sword] By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!
[NEAL holds the pose for a few beats. The CAMERA shots change, catching everyone’s reactions, including the CREW.]
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[NEAL bows deeply then returns to his podium. MERRIC and OWEN try to catch their breath.]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[through laughter] Neal, I knew you were the most dramatic person I know when I wrote the prompt, but that was amazing.
[offscreen CREW is cheering]
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[waves his hand like a royal with a smug expression on his face]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
[getting ahold of herself] A truly masterful performance, Neal, but I’m afraid it wasn’t worth a point.
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[CONTESTANTS all look confused. NEAL’s face morphs into bewildered outrage the longer KEL lets the silence go on.]
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[through his teeth] I beg your pardon.
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL
It’s worth two points.
Switch to CAMERA B, podium 3 shot.
NEAL
[half relieved, half furious] You absolute—
[outro music starts, cutting off NEAL’s epithet]
Switch to CAMERA A, host podium shot.
KEL That’s the end of this episode folks, and with an astonishing ten points, our winner tonight is Neal Queenscove!
[confetti fires from both sides of stage]
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[All 3 CONTESTANTS are looking up in delight and reaching out to grab some from the air.]
Switch to CAMERA D, podium 3 and host podium shot.
[KEL walks over to NEAL for a handshake. NEAL pulls her into a hug. A sliver of OWEN is visible in the shot, dancing in the confetti.]
Switch to CAMERA C, wide shot, 3 podiums.
[CONTESTANTS and KEL are all playing in the confetti now.]
KEL V/O
I’ve been your host, Kel Mindelan, reminding you that if you listen closely enough, you too can hear a butterfly flap its wings. Goodnight!
Switch to CREDITS.