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My cards are on the table, yours are in your hand
Chances are, tonight, you've already got plans
And chances are I will talk myself to sleep again
You give me just enough attention to keep my hopes too high
"Do you want to do something tonight?" Callum blurted out as they walked down the hall. Technically, he and Rayla were dating, but they'd never been on a real date. And he had no idea what a real date entailed, so he'd swallowed his pride and awkwardly asked Soren, who laughed for way too long until Corvus told him to just go for it. So here he was.
"Um, I don't know," she replied. "I mean, I would love to, really, but I'd rather just be alone."
"Oh. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, it's just… first full moon since we came here and I lost Runaan." She swallowed and glanced at him. "But I can't imagine how you must be feeling."
He did realize it, the second he woke up. He had wanted to talk to Ez, ask if he was okay, if he wanted to talk about anything, but he'd acted like nothing was wrong, so Callum didn't even bother. Ez wouldn't forget; he was ignoring it for a reason, so Callum would, too.
"It's rough," he admitted carefully. "But I don't really want to talk about it."
"Okay," she said. "Any other time, if you do, though, you can talk to me. Just… not tonight, please."
"Yeah, of course."
Rayla threw her arms around him, burying her head in his shoulder. "I love you," she whispered.
"I love you, too," Callum said, hugging her back.
She squeezed tighter, and Callum was sure he felt his jacket get a bit damp. Was she crying?
"No, really, with all my heart," she reiterated. "Never forget it. Ever."
"I won't."
~~
Callum and Rayla shared a room at the Moon Nexus. She'd come back in late at night, eyes pink and face blotchy.
"Are you okay?" Callum had asked immediately.
She rubbed her eyes. "Yeah. Hey, don't get all down. Tomorrow's your fifteenth birthday! How's it feel?"
"Not any different. I just can't wait to spend it with you."
She smiled at him, but it looked forced. Didn’t quite reach her eyes. He couldn’t blame her; it was a hard time for both of them. "Neither can I. What do humans do on their birthdays?"
He smiled, flopping back against his pillow and closing his eyes. "Ezran wakes me up at the crack of dawn with a jelly tart. There's always a party that's supposed to be a surprise, but Dad and Ez always sucked at keeping secrets. I found out weeks in advance every time. And I don't have to do anything I don't want to do all day…" He lost track of himself, rambling about previous birthdays and what he did. He'd never been this excited about his birthday before, but now he got to spend it with Rayla, which made it infinitely better.
Wishful thoughts forget to mention when something's really not right
And I will block out these voices of reason in my head
And the voices say, "You are not the exception
You will never learn your lesson"
Looking back on it, Callum should've seen the signs. How she couldn't look him in the eye that day, her uncharacteristic displays of affection.
"I'm sorry," Ezran whispered. "I- I have no idea what to say."
"She left. Just like that."
Ez hugged him tightly.
"What am I supposed to feel?" Callum whispered, numb. "I… I don't feel anything. I think some part of me is expecting this to all be a cruel joke."
"There's no right way to feel," Ezran said. "This sucks. It's hard, and it's gonna take time to do anything, to feel like you again. If there's anything I can do to help, just tell me."
Bring her back. But even Ez couldn't do that.
"I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to feel this bad." Tears streamed down his face as he shook his head, sobs wrenching out from the depths of who-knows-where.
"I know." And his baby brother rubbed his back while he stared out at the Moonhenge, head a mess of incoherence.
I'm not an exception to anything, he tried to reason with himself. Everyone gets their heart broken, and everyone gets better. So will I. Right?
How could anyone just move on, recover from this awful feeling? Rayla was wrong; she hadn't just taken a little piece of his heart with her, she'd taken all of him. All of him was completely, hopelessly in love with her. He felt like a hollow shell of himself. Who even was he without her anymore? Would he forget what she looked like until all he could remember her by were drawings and the title of a mage?
But wouldn't that be best, moving on with his life?
Foolish one
Stop checkin' your mailbox for confessions of love
That ain't never gonna come
You will take the long way, you will take the long way down
Callum ignored the pitying look the Associate Crow Lord shot him. He wasn't blind; he saw the looks everyone exchanged whenever Rayla was brought up. He just chose to ignore them, foolish hope from young first love the only thing keeping him going.
"Any mail?" he asked, drumming his fingers on the desk.
"Yeah," the young man said carefully, looking at him sympathetically. Callum was absolutely sick of that look.
Nevertheless, his heart leapt. Maybe it was finally a letter from Rayla!
The ACL (what everyone abbreviated "Associate Crow Lord" to, because it was quite a mouthful) gingerly handed over a scroll.
Callum unfurled it.
Contact information for a therapist.
Of course.
He folded it and began ripping it apart. Sure, Fulminis would've done the trick, but this was much more satisfying. "Who told you to give me this?"
"I can't tell you that, it's confidential."
"Please?"
Maybe it was something in his eyes or voice, but probably the fact that he was the prince, made the ACL relent.
"Opeli. But everyone's worried about you. Even me, and I don't even really know you! You look really depressed, man."
Callum dumped the shreds in the wastebasket. As he strode out, he called, "I don't need therapy. I'm perfectly fine!"
You know how to keep me waitin'
I know how to act like I'm fine
Don't know what to call this situation
But I know I can't call you mine
And it's delicate, but I will do my best to seem bulletproof
More than anything, he wanted to feel mad. Anger was a shield. Anger protected him from sadness. Sadness sucked. He wanted to do anything other than just wait for her to come back, wait for the day to end so he could cry himself to sleep, and rinse and repeat. Wait to stop feeling like the mess he was.
No one knew exactly how much of a mess he was. If anyone did know, Callum suspected they’d wrap him in bubble wrap and stick him in some far corner of the earth. And besides, who was he supposed to tell? Ezran, his baby brother dealing with new king stuff? Soren, who he knew for a fact had his own issues after everything that happened with his family? There was no one else he knew well enough to even think about confiding in. Well, except Rayla, but that was obviously off the table.
So he kept the armor on at all times, tried to not even let himself know just how much it hurt. Shielding himself shielded everyone.
'Cause when my head is on your shoulder
It starts thinkin' you'll come around
And maybe, someday, when we're older
This is something we'll laugh about
Over coffee every mornin' while you're watching the news
But then the voices say, "You are not the exception
You will never learn your lesson"
"Maybe one day you'll laugh about it," Soren had said, maybe a month after she disappeared. "You'll be doing couple-y stuff, and you might see pictures or letters and be like, "Oh my gosh, remember that time you disappeared for a month?" and you can laugh and kiss or whatever." Corvus had whacked him upside the head and mouthed "sorry" at Callum.
He'd just left, unable to look Soren in the eye. His heart had been in the right place, but it only made Callum's hurt more. The Crownguard had apologized later, having realized what he said was pretty shitty, and then dragged Callum out for an underage illegal drink, Corvus coming along as the responsible one.
The one drink of alcohol, the first Callum had ever had, probably didn't do much good. It probably just made him cry about Rayla more, but at least he didn't remember anything from those few hours. When he'd pressed Soren and Corvus to tell him what had happened, Soren had mimed zipping his lips shut and locking them, saying, "What happens at Bro Night stays at Bro Night."
Bro Night couldn’t fix him.
Foolish one
Stop checkin' your mailbox for confessions of love
That ain't never gonna come
You will take the long way, you will take the long way down
Foolish one
Stop checkin' your mailbox for confessions of love
That ain't never gonna come
You will learn the hard way instead of just walkin' out
Rayla didn’t know why she was on her guard. For moon’s sake, she was in the middle of a remote Earthblood elf village buried deep in the woods, under a false name for the night she’d be staying in an inn. Some part of her thought that he would be waiting, that there would be a letter waiting for her, or even him in the flesh. The same part of her hoped for it.
He’s not finding you, dumbass, she told herself angrily, working on unclasping her clothes so she could shower. You took every precaution to make sure he doesn’t. So forget about everything and focus on the mission. Maybe it would be one she could actually complete.
Honestly, she shouldn’t be the one worrying about him, hoping he’d reach her. He was probably the one doing all that. Rayla was the one who left in the middle of the night and had cried herself to sleep because she couldn’t apologize or even write to him. She wasn’t the one suffering. She didn’t get to feel sorry for herself. She’d lost the right to everything good she once had, all right to her feelings, when she left. She’d made her choice, and now she had to live with it.
Now I'm slidin' down the wall with my head in my hands
Sayin', "How could I not see the signs?"
Oh, you haven't written me or called
But goodbye screamin' in the silence
And the voices in my head are tellin' me why
He should have seen the signs. That was the only thing Callum could think, hunched into himself. How could I not see the signs?
It was one of the bad days. The ones where he saw her everywhere, practically camped outside the mail room and tried to distract himself with a book or drawing or anything. A day when everything was dark.
Opeli was the one who attempted to give him the “tough love” talk. She dragged him to her office, and at least had the decency to push a bowl of candy towards him as she spoke.
“High Mage Callum, I know you’re grieving. I know this is hard,” she began.
"She’s not dead,” Callum snapped.
She held up her hands placatingly. “My apologies, I didn’t mean it the way it came across. My point is, it’s been nearly two years. I hate to say this, but you can’t, for lack of a better term, keep moping around, wallowing in your self-pity.”
His head snapped up. “Excuse me?”
"I say this not only for the benefit of the people, but also your own. We’re all suffering indirectly because of this tragedy-”
"Why do you keep acting like she’s dead?!” Callum exploded, standing up so fast he knocked his chair over. “She’s not dead, and she’s going to come back.” She has to. “My priorities have never once wavered, nor has my ability to perform or execute my duties. From here on out, let’s keep this matter strictly professional. Have a nice day.” He stormed out of the room, rather proud of himself for not blowing up the way he wanted to.
Even as he stalked back to his study, her words itched at him. He knew he couldn’t mope around forever, and he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to feel the way he did. But how were you supposed to stop feeling like that?
Enough’s enough, Callum told himself. I’m gonna get it together and forget about her. Tomorrow’s a new chapter.
But he told himself that every day.
'Cause you got her on your arm and me in the wings
I'll get your longing glances, but she'll get your ring
And you will say you had the best of intentions
And maybe I will finally learn my lesson
She came back. 731 days later, she came back. Snuck into his room in the dead of the night, just like when she’d left.
And he’d been an ass. One part of him screamed that it was justified, the other screamed at him for not rushing to hug and kiss her silly. But what the hell was he supposed to do? She left with a note and hadn’t written anyone or visited, then just reappeared out of nowhere! What would anyone do?
"Why?” he asked simply as he gazed at the fire, unable to sleep after Umber Tor. She didn’t seem to be, either.
She sighed. “We’re doing this?”
Anger sparked like the fire. “You’re the one who’s been trying to get me to talk to you.” Deep breath. “I think I’m ready to talk."
She nodded.
“So, why?”
“The truth?”
“Nothing but it.”
Rayla took a deep breath, leaning forward and clasping her hands together. The fire reflected in her eyes. “I was obsessed. I couldn’t sleep. I saw Viren’s face everywhere I went, like he was taunting me. He killed my parents and Runaan. I just couldn’t let that go, even after I literally tackled him off a cliff. I didn’t want to.” Her eyes flicked to him, not moving her head. “I think the anger was a shield. I didn’t want to grieve because it was hard. Everything was hard. It all sucked.”
Things sucked for her? Callum wanted to yell. At least the only person she’d ever loved didn’t abandon her in the middle of the night!
Calm down. You’re not the only one who’s had things rough.
She continued, “I loved you. I still do. So much, and it was so scary because I’d never felt like that before. You were my weakness, and I knew I was yours. I didn’t know how to act, how to treat my feelings, because everything was so new. So I did what everyone around me had always done, the only thing I knew how to do: I ran. But it doesn’t make what I did okay. I wish I could say I had good intentions. But I didn’t. I was vengeful and scared, and you suffered for it. You’ll never know how sorry I am.”
“I appreciate it, I really do,” Callum said carefully.
"What’s the ‘but?”’ she sighed.
He rested his chin on his hands. “Do you know what it was like for me when you were gone?”
“I… I tried not to think about it,” she admitted, “but tell me if you want to. Whatever you need.”
"I cried every night. I ran to the mail room every two hours hoping against everything out there that you’d written. I hoped I’d wake up and it would have all been a bad dream. I thought about every single minute we’d spent together, trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong. I looked for you high and low, everywhere. It was all I could do to not write to Ethari to ask if your flower was still floating, because if I didn’t, then as far as I knew, you were alive and I wouldn’t have to face a horrible reality of you being gone for good.”
She took his face in her hand, a tear slipping down her cheek as she rested their foreheads together. “I’m so sorry,” she repeated breathlessly. “So sorry. You were perfect.”
“Are you going to leave again?” he asked. “You- I won’t like it, but if you have to, I understand. Just- don’t let me get my hopes up. Don’t…” Don’t let me fall any deeper in love with you.
“No,” she said, more tears coming. “I won’t leave. And if I do, I’ll tell you. And I will come back. From now on, it’s the two of us against the world. You’re never getting rid of me.”
Foolish one
Stop checkin' your mailbox for confessions of love
That ain't never gonna come
You will take the long way, you will take the long way down
Foolish one
Stop checkin' your mailbox for confessions of love
That ain't never gonna come
You will learn the hard way instead of just walkin' out
When they were completely depleted of tears, Rayla pulled Callum into her arms, running her fingers through his hair.
“Lay down in my lap,” she said gently.
"Why?”
"Just do it, dummy.”
Somehow, hearing her call him a dummy made his chest feel just the slightest bit lighter. That even if they could never be what they used to, there would always be a special place for the other in their heart.
Rayla gently wove a strand of his hair into a braid, pulling it up so Callum could see it if he rolled up his eyes, but not so tightly it hurt.
"What’s that for?” he asked.
“For Moonshadow elves, it means you’re loved. It’s where I got mine.”
His throat closed up. She was sharing an important part of her culture with him, trusting him not to take advantage of it. How could you not love her?
"I wanted to do this the night I left,” she said softly. “But I couldn’t risk waking you up.”
"Well, now you can.” He paused, feeling his cheeks warm pleasantly. It was odd to be celebrating a blush, but it was the first time he’d felt the nice warmth in his gut in over two years. “You can do as many as you want.”
"Slow your roll, Romeo,” she said with a smile.
He raised his eyebrows slightly, feeling a delighted expression creep up on his face. "You know the story?"
She continued running her fingers through his hair. "Vaguely. Star-crossed lovers who can never be together. Very cliché. Though I suppose it's not when you're actually living it."
“Kind of like us,” Callum said absentmindedly.
“Society didn’t screw up our love story,” Rayla sighed. “I did that all by myself.”
“Well…” he said carefully, tiptoeing around it, “it’s mending. You… I don't know how to explain it. But you know.”
"Will you say it?"
“Maybe we’re the next Romeo and Juliet.” He smiled up at her, and it was amazing to finally see the little twinkle in her pretty violet eyes, see the twitch of her lips as she fought back a smile again after what felt like forever. “Maybe there’ll be stories about us someday.”
“Breathtaking assassin steals the heart of the High Mage and step-prince of Katolis?”
“Something like that.”
“A scorned lover relearns what love feels like in an epic journey of forgiveness and self-discovery?”
Callum giggled, lacing their fingers together. They would probably never be what they used to, but maybe that was okay. Whatever happened next just might be okay. As long as she stayed.
Ain't never gonna come
Ooh, you will learn the hard way now
Foolish one
Sittin' 'round waiting for confessions of love
They ain't never gonna come
And thinkin' he's the one, you should've been walkin' out
Foolish one
The day is gonna come for your confessions of love
When all is said and done, he just wasn't the one
No, he just wasn't the one