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Loki didn't know when it started.
All he remembered was accidentally cutting his arm on one of his daggers, and suddenly, he was hooked.
The bliss that came with the pain whenever he slid that dagger across his arms, it was... it was heavenly. He felt free. Free from the duties of a prince. Free from the burden of living. Free from simply existing. When he was in his room, door locked, slits on his arms, covered head to toe in blood, he was alive.
This pain, this... happiness that came from harming himself, he wanted more. No, he needed more. He felt in control. What he was in control of, Loki didn't know. All he knew was that when the blade connected with his skin, he was the boss.
He couldn't tell anyone. This... habit of his would be seen as weak. Asgard does not need a weak prince, let alone one who harms himself to cope. Don't get him wrong, he knows what he's doing is bad. He just couldn't stop himself. The one time he tried to quit, he got so overstimulated with the need to self-harm that he stabbed himself in the arm.
He never made an effort to quit after that.
The day he realized that living was more of a chore was when he found out that he wasn't Odin's son. No, he wasn't Odin's son, he was Laufey's son.
Loki wanted to die ever since then.
He wanted to stab himself and let him bleed out. He wanted to use the whip gifted to him by his brother- no, not his brother, not anymore- to hang himself on the hook in one of the unused halls of the palace. He wanted to jump off the cliff holding the palace up and drown himself.
Loki knew he had a problem. He just didn't want to solve it.
The perfect moment appeared when he and Thor were dangling on the broken Rainbow Bridge. Thor was holding onto Gungnir for dear life as Loki held on from the other side. Odin was holding onto Thor.
"I could have done it, Father!" Loki screamed, "I could have done it! For you!" His voice cracked with emotion as he finished, "For all of us."
But two words. Two. Simple, little words. Broke him. Broke him like the weakling he was.
"No, Loki."
Tears pricked at his eyes. He knew it. No one cared about the effort he went through. He did it for Father! He killed Laufey! For him! But his Father could not see that. Loki's eyes hardened. He heard Thor saying something, but he wasn't listening. He stared at Odin with a cold look as he let go of Gungnir.
Thor's screams lessened in volume as he drifted off deeper and deeper.
Finally, he would leave this wretched universe. Loki closed his eyes as burning hot pain traveled through his body.