Chapter Text
“Hi,” Jesus said simply when he reached Judas. He looked all dimmed and sad, perhaps even embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to ambush you like this. I was just… drawn here.”
Judas stood in place, frozen. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t speak. He could have been mistaken for a statue if only his chest didn’t rise and fall with heavy breaths and his heart didn’t pound so loudly Judas was sure Jesus could hear it.
“I know you don’t want to talk to me but I couldn’t help myself. I… missed you, Jude,” Jesus continued, his eyes still sad. Still trying to escape the chilling gaze of his friend. Or a former friend? Perhaps.
“I was hoping I would find you here. Or I guess I was hoping you’d come here sometime and see what I wrote there,” he still continued, trying to fill the silence Judas left him with, and looked at the mural, but flinched when he saw his own face.
“Choose love,” the shadow finally spoke, swerving his gaze towards the apartment building as well. “You remember.”
Jesus laughed nervously.
“Yeah, of course I remember. I have lived by it ever since.”
Now it was Judas who laughed but his voice was low and bitter.
“That’s funny because that quote was inspired by you. You always chose love where I could only find spite in myself.” He paused. “Why did you come here?”
Jesus’ brow furrowed in confusion.
“I haven’t seen you in three years. Like I said, I missed you—“
“Bullshit,” Judas interrupted him. “Why did you really come?”
A glint flashed in Jesus’ eyes. A spark and then it was gone again. Instead of feeling sorry, instead of backing down, he said firmly: “Is it really that hard to understand? You never came to visit me, I wasn’t even worth a damned letter to you.
I was waiting. I was hoping. All I was left with was hope.”
Judas covered his eyes with his palms to hide the tears that were forming in the corners of his eyes. “How could I have faced you after what I’ve done?” he uttered. The words hung in the air for a moment, filling the space around the two of them with a heavy smokescreen, but there was the spark again, gleaming through, catching Judas’ evasive eyes.
“And the worst part is that here we are: I’m facing you, and it feels easy. Because guess fucking what. I missed you, too.”
Jesus never hid his tears. He let them flow freely down his face and gather at the tip of his chin. He made a few steps towards Judas but he stepped back so Jesus stopped.
“Don’t start with this shit again. You can’t even imagine how hard it was to get over you.
Yeah, I fucked up. I lied to save my own ass and you ended up in prison. But you really really hurt me, Jesus,” Judas now whispered. He didn’t want his voice to crack in front of Jesus.
The martyr couldn’t stand it anymore. He was holding himself back just fine until he heard his shadow utter his name. It’s been so long since he heard him say it…
“I didn’t kiss John,” he announced. Even just the mention of the event was a knife through Judas’ heart.
“John kissed me. He took his shot and he missed. I pulled away.
I love John but not like that. I wanted to tell you, I tried to explain but you didn’t listen!”
“What?” was the only thing Judas was able to say, staring at the man he loved in shock.
“But I did kiss you, Judas, and I meant it.”
The glow reached through the smokescreen and all the shadows fell behind Judas. It was hard to resist the light that now enveloped him, the light he was so used to basking in before, the light he once fell in love with.
“We haven’t spoken in three years, Jude. I can’t say that I love you now because I don’t know the man you have become. But I did love you once so I’m willing to try, if you let me.”
Jesus moved towards Judas and he didn’t step back like before. He was too overwhelmed by the words to react, but the moment they touched, the second he felt Jesus’ fingers on him, his heart broke.
Judas was loved by his mother. Of course she wasn’t perfect – sometimes she worked long hours, sometimes Judas needed more attention than she could give him, but she loved him properly. He never had to come out to her because she knew him well enough to realize he’s gay on her own. Her love was warm and ever-present – she did everything she could, but it wasn’t enough. Despite her tries, Judas developed a strange response to affection. Whenever he was shown it, he couldn’t understand it. Couldn’t understand why anyone would love him. He let Simon love him and he let Jesus love him but only from afar. Whenever they got too close, even when it was his own hand that pulled them towards him, in the end he used it to push them away.
When Jesus kissed him in the police station, Judas pushed him away, but he had a reason for that then. Now, he knew the truth. He knew Jesus was willing to love him, even after everything that happened between them, yet he still felt like he didn’t deserve it. So he pushed away.
Jesus, though, caught his arms.
“If you really want me to go, I’ll go. I understand that I hurt you. I understand you feel used. But I never meant to use you. You are not a tool to me,” he said firmly.
Judas’ eyes shot towards his opposite’s. He knew. He tried to search for something in the brown marbles — some kind of malevolence, some kind of resentment, but there was none.
He looked at the gable again and for the first time in a long while he smiled. It was a subtle and most of all sad smile, but a smile nonetheless.
“Please, stay,” Judas said. It was hard for him to utter it but at the same time, it felt like the most natural thing to say.
When he rested his eyes back on Jesus, there was the glow again. It wasn’t a blinding light, rather a warm soft gleam, like spring’s first sun, melting Judas’ heart.
The melting, though, mended its cracks and suddenly, Judas felt a lot lighter.
“It’s hard to love me, man. I’m not really sure I deserve it,” he admitted, but Jesus wouldn’t hear it. He grabbed Judas’ hands.
“You do deserve it. It breaks my heart that you can’t see it. Oh, if only you could see yourself through my eyes… Then you would know loving you has always been easy,” he said, smiling, even though there were tears glistening in his eyes again. Then he let go of Judas’ hands and grabbed his face instead to kiss his forehead. And Judas let him. He was glad he didn’t kiss him on the lips – he wasn’t ready for that just yet and perhaps neither was Jesus.
“Was that okay?” the golden boy asked to assure himself that he didn’t make a mistake, but when he saw Judas’ smile, he felt stupid to even ask.
“More than okay,” the shadow answered. Well, perhaps not a shadow anymore. Perhaps not even a tool. Just a boy in love, joyful, without remorse or regret.
Then Jesus hugged him, but he didn’t let him. Not to push him away this time, but to grab him and lift him in the air to spin him. They laughed out loud, light and ecstatic. It all finally made sense. Judas learnt the truth and got the closure he needed and Jesus, well… Jesus got Judas.