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have you ever died in a nightmare(woke up surprised you haven't earned your fate)

Chapter 5: i might find myself(by retracing my steps)

Notes:

in honor of intermezzo here's another chapter! also sorry this is taking a while, this is turning out to be much longer than i originally thought. enjoy :)

Chapter Text

When Faroe came to, she realized three things: one, she was on the outskirts of… Boston? Two, she hadn’t said goodbye to Jane before the timeline changed. Which she regretted, because they might never see each other again. And three, her eye and legs were her own again. Luckily, she’d kept her cane through the reality warp. She managed to steady herself and began to walk down the street. 

 

As she made her way through the familiar streets, Faroe tried to make sense of how much would be different. If she was never born here, then both her parents would still be alive, right? And Parker? And her father would also still be a musician, since her brush with death had pushed him away from music. But honestly, Jane could be anywhere, in any body. The worst part was, Faroe could find everyone else easily enough, but how do you find a Jane Doe? 

 

Pushing aside her worries about Jane, Faroe tapped a local on the shoulder. “Uh. Excuse me? I’m new here and was wondering what the music scene’s like here in Boston.” 

 

The local–someone she vaguely recognized from her time living there, but couldn’t name–told Faroe about a small and unknown, but pretty good jazz group that would be playing in a club downtown that night. Faroe had no idea how high the odds of her father being a part of this jazz group were, but she had no other leads. 

 

————

 

That night, Faroe arrived at the venue right after the band had set up, and managed to find an inconspicuous spot in the center of the crowd. Looking up at the stage, she noticed that her suspicion had been correct, and her father was positioned behind a piano. He looked so much happier here than he had before–both in her timeline and the one it had collided with. Along with him, this timeline’s version of who seemed to be Parker was behind the drumset, and a strange person she didn’t recognize standing with an upright bass. However, there was no one behind the microphone. 

 

Not long after she noticed this, a familiar woman in a green dress entered the stage from the side, smiling like there was nowhere else she’d rather be. She took her place behind the mic and waved to the crowd. 

 

After tapping the mic a few times, she said into it, “Y'all can hear me right? Alright! Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Bella Saltzman, and I’m proud to be singing for you all tonight!” 

 

Suddenly, Faroe knew why the woman was familiar. She had seen her face in pictures her whole life, and saw an eerily similar face in the mirror every day. It was her mother, in a timeline where Faroe was never born. 

 

Of course, she thought, without me, she’d be alive and smiling, like she is now. Why didn’t I realize that? 

 

On the stage, Bella continued into her microphone. “Playing with me tonight is my amazing band, can we give them a hand?” 

After the applause died down, she kept talking, pausing for applause between introductions. “Behind me, we have my good friend Parker on drumset, the wonderful Jane on bass–” wait, Jane? “–and finally, my lovely husband Arthur on the keys!” 

 

As the band began their set, Faroe stared into space as she considered what she knew so far. This timeline was what would’ve happened if she was never born, but she was living in it, which meant she had no past here. Jane was presumably also here, in her own body. The Jane on stage could just be a normal person, but it was very in-line with Kayne’s other actions to put them here. Finally, she also decided to make note of the fact that her parents were still married in this timeline as well. 

 

The show seemed to pass in a blur, until the music was over and the crowd had mostly dispersed. Deciding on her plan, Faroe approached the band.  

 

“Uhm… hello? I just wanted to know if… if uh… if you were looking for another musician?” 

 

Bella turned to her, still smiling, albeit softer now. “We always are! What do you play, kid?”  

 

“I play the clarinet, but I’m a quick learner. Oh, and piano as well, but I know you already have a talented player, so I’m fine with anything.” 

 

Bella glanced back at the rest of the band. “Well, I’d say you’ve got yourself the job, but I’ll have to introduce you to the others first.” 

 

Faroe rocked on her heels uneasily. For the first time, she considered the implications of what she was doing. What if someone recognized her? Would the timeline break from her existence in it alone? What if they all died? 

 

Suddenly, Faroe was snapped out of thought by Bella’s gentle nudge. “Hey, kid. You there?” 

 

“Oh, yeah, sorry. I was thinking.”

 

“Don’t worry about it,” Bella said, turning to the rest of her band. “Alright, everyone! This is–I’m sorry, I never caught your name…?” 

 

Oh shit. Faroe had a split second to decide what to do. To be fair, there was nothing for her name to connect back to, but what if someone remembered her from her name? She decided to take the risk. After all, she needed them to trust her. 

 

“It’s Faroe. Pleasure to meet you all.” 

 

Luckily, no one seemed to react strangely, except for Jane, who frowned slightly before going back to normal. 

 

From Bella’s side, Arthur spoke up. “Pretty name, I don’t think I’ve ever heard it before.”

 

Bella nodded and spoke to the group. “ She tells me she can play piano, and clarinet, and asked if she could join. What do y’all think?” 

 

“Could we hear her play? I think that would help,” Parker said. “Just let her play the piano.” 

 

“I don’t have an issue with it, as long as she’s careful,” Arthur said with a shrug. 

 

Oh no. Of course they wanted to hear Faroe play, but what could she play without messing up the timeline? She had no clue how this sort of thing worked, but if she played something that hadn’t been written in this timeline, would that change anything? Also, they would want to hear jazz, right? 

 

Faroe realized her safest bet was probably just improvisation. After all, she had the capability, and if any other pieces she knew had somehow not been written in this timeline, it would be fine. 

 

After she was done, the band seemed rather impressed. They talked amongst themselves for a bit, then Bella came back over. 

 

“Alright, kid. You’re in! Do you have a place to stay, or do you need to move in, like Jane over here? Oh, and don’t worry. We’ve got room back home.” 

 

Honestly, Faroe hadn’t been expecting this. On one hand, this was an easy solution to finding a home. But on the other one, it could be risky. Playing in a band with her parents from a probably already precarious timeline was one thing, but living with them? That was different. 

 

“I… uh. I wouldn’t want to invade, honestly. W-what if I was a serial killer? You don’t know me at all. I appreciate the offer, really! But I would feel bad.” 

 

Bella shook her head, clearly not having it. “Listen, Faroe. You’re clearly a good person. Also, if I interpreted your answer correctly, it sounds like you don’t have anywhere to stay, right?” 

 

God, Bella would not let this go. She was clearly worried about the wellbeing of everyone in her group, whether or not she knew them well. It would be nice to have a home, no matter the risks. And part of Faroe was doing this for a selfish reason: she wanted her family back, beyond just having brief conversations as their timelines collided. 

 

“You’re right, Bella. I don’t have anyone here, and… I guess living with you all would be for the best.” 

 

Bella smiled brightly. “Well then, we better get going! We’ll call a cab, it’s been a long night, and I’m sure you’d appreciate it,” she said, eyeing Faroe’s cane. 

 

“I really can't thank you enough, Bella. It’s a bit stressful, not knowing where to go. I don’t really have any family, and if I did, they wouldn’t be out here,” Faroe said, watching the rest of the band finish packing up. 

 

After everyone was ready to go, Bella flagged down a cab to take them home. 

 

————

 

As the taxi pulled away, Faroe looked up at a very, very familiar house. Because nothing could ever be easy or painless, and of course she’d be living in the home where her life had taken a turn for the worse multiple times. 

 

Bella looked back, and presumably saw the look on her new band member’s face. “Is everything alright, Faroe?”

 

Shaking off the sense of foreboding, Faroe nodded and entered the house behind the rest of the group. 

 

Inside, it wasn’t exactly the same as she remembered it. For one, the pictures that were scattered on surfaces and hanging on walls were different, with a distinctly larger amount of photos with Bella in them. Also, the general atmosphere of the whole house seemed happier, less weighed down by death and trauma. 

 

Bella grabbed Faroe by the arm and led her upstairs, to what she remembered as a guest room, but seemed to be Jane’s room.

 

“I’m sorry that you have to share, but we like to keep a room open in case Parker ever comes to spend the night, and… never mind the other reason,” Bella said, opening the door. “But there’s another bed over there, and if you need clothes or things like that, I can help you out, okay? Let me know if you need anything, kid.”

 

Not long after Bella left, Jane nervously opened the door and sat down on the bed opposite Faroe’s. 

 

Jane seemed to be avoiding eye contact, instead fidgeting with her long, black hair and looking around the room. 

 

“So,” they said after an uncomfortable silence, “you don’t have anywhere to go either?” 

 

Ah. So Jane wasn’t great at small talk in this universe either. 

 

“No, I don’t. No family out here, and all that. You’re Jane, right?” 

 

Jane fidgeted on their bed. “Yeah. And I take it you’re Faroe, unless Bella picked up another random person on our way in–which I would not put past her, by the way.” 

 

Seeing an opening, Faroe asked a question that had been on her mind since she first realized Jane was here. “Have you lived here long?” 

 

“Only a few weeks. But honestly, my situation could’ve been worse.” 

 

“How so? If you don’t mind me asking, that is.”

 

Jane took a deep breath and adjusted his weight, like this was a difficult thing to talk about–which was perfectly understandable. 

 

“About a month ago, I woke up in a hospital, with no memories and no possessions. The hospital staff told me I had been found on the outskirts of Boston, unconscious and alone, with no identification. So, I was declared a Jane Doe. After I was released, I had nowhere to go and… one day, Arthur found me in the rain and offered to bring me inside. Bella asked if I could play anything, and it turns out I have a bit of a knack for the bass. So I’ve been with the group for the past couple of weeks.”

 

After Jane finished their story, there was a beat of awkward silence, before she spoke up again. “So. I just told you the only part of my life story I can remember. What about you?” 

 

Shit , Faroe thought, I should’ve been ready to answer that. 

 

“Well… ah. To make a long story short, I’ve lost both my parents and my best friend, and I managed to end up here–which is most definitely nowhere near my home,” Faroe said, studying Jane’s face. “You remind me of her, actually. My best friend.”

 

What the hell am I doing, she thought, this is an insane risk. 

 

But against her better judgment, Faroe decided that it was a risk she was willing to take. 

 

“I mean, you look nothing like them,” she continued, “but you act a lot like him.”

 

Jane gave a small snort-laugh in response. “So your best friend was also incredibly weird and awkward?” 

 

“Well, yes,” Faroe said through a laugh of her own, “but she was also one of the brightest, kindest people I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. And I can already tell you’re the same way.” 

 

Jane looked like she was at a loss for words, like no one had ever said something like that about him before. 

 

“Thank you…?” Jane stammered out, obviously confused as to how they should respond. “Thank you,” she repeated, more sincere this time. “Genuinely. I can’t remember anything that nice being said to me, but honestly? That isn’t saying much.” 

 

Jane’s lighthearted tone did little to mask the sorrow behind their words. Just then, it hit Faroe how easy she had it, in the grand scheme of things. Even though no one remembered her, she remembered them. But Jane had nothing. No memories, no loved ones, no friends. And the worst part? If Faroe’s guess was correct–Kayne had dropped Jane into a random vessel with no past–they couldn’t remember being complimented because she never had been. Not in this reality, anyway. 

 

“You also remind me of someone,” Jane said, “but I just can’t figure out who. It’s really weird, it feels like I know you from somewhere but I…uh…” Jane trailed off, staring into space with their brow furrowed.  

 

Faroe felt her blood run cold. There was no way she could be this unlucky. She started mentally preparing herself for ways to leave, places to go where the rest of the group wouldn’t follow. 

 

I’m so sick of running , Faroe thought, but if Jane can recognize me this soon, who’s to say that the others won’t follow? Is there any way for me to stop breaking every single thing I touch, and every person I meet? 

 

Jane suddenly snapped his fingers, like a realization had hit her. “It’s Bella you remind me of! You look scarily like her, except her eyes are green, and yours are brown.” 

 

“I, uh. I guess so!” Faroe said, with a slight laugh of relief. So she had overreacted, after all. Honestly, she had no clue how to explain the eerie similarities between her and Bella, but that shouldn’t be too much of an issue. Maybe–in the eyes of the rest of the world–it was just a weird coincidence, something to laugh at when strangers brought it up. But nothing serious. Nothing abandoning a new life over. 

 

Maybe, in the end, everything would be all right.