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Leon had just settled for the night. By settled, he meant that he lay on the floor as he usually did in an attempt to stave off the bad dreams. By Leon’s logic, punishing himself for the things that he’d done, for causing them, for not dealing with them properly, meant he’d punished himself first , so the nightmares wouldn’t need to happen, but they did anyway.
At least the floor was hard and cold, and awoke him several times in the night; sometimes it cut the nightmares short. That was a reprieve at least.
There was a soft knock at the door. Leon sat up with a frown.
He didn’t recognise it.
Merlin always knocked in the same pattern, as did Arthur, but they had two very different patterns. Percival had a very heavy knock, and while Lancelot’s was lighter, he always rapidly knocked three times. Elyan always spoke when he knocked, announcing who he was, and Gwaine would usually forgo knocking altogether and barge in like he owned the place.
Leon sighed and picked himself up, crossing the room to throw open the door, ready to complain to whoever it was that it was late and he was trying to sleep.
He froze when he saw Gwaine in front of him in casual attire, his eyes glossy despite the smile on his face.
“Hey, neighbor.” Gwaine forced his smile wider.
“Gwaine…” Leon settled on that. He didn’t know how to act when Gwaine was on the verge of a breakdown at his door, let alone how to ask Gwaine what was wrong. He didn’t need to ask, it seemed, as Gwaine continued:
“So… Merlin had me take that… that, um… eternal sadness test? And, uh… I failed… I failed that shit like everything else in my life.” Gwaine choked, trying to feign a laugh. “Merlin says it’ll be okay.”
“It will.”
Leon knew which test Gwaine was referring to. He’d taken it himself a few weeks ago upon Arthur’s insistence, once they’d returned from their quest. He’d given Gaius every answer he assumed he needed to give to pass, and he had, which meant he hadn’t. Not really. Not if he’d given true answers.
“How can it? How can I be okay if I can’t be anything?” Gwaine’s voice wavered as he tried to keep the smile on his face. He failed, and looked down at the floor.
“Gwaine-”
“What’s the fucking point of me, Leon?” Gwaine whispered, his voice cracking as he turned to the First Knight as though he held all the answers. Leon swallowed thickly.
“You’re a great knight. And you’re our friend. We want you.”
“How could any of you want me? I don’t even want me, Leon! I just- Fuck…” Gwaine brought a hand to his head. “You know what, just- Forget I came, okay? I won’t bother you again.” He turned to leave, but Leon reached out and grabbed his arm, concern evident on his face.
“I don’t want you to be alone tonight.” Leon whispered, deeply concerned by the ‘I won’t bother you again’ that Gwaine had thrown onto the end of his sentence. “Please.”
“Fine. I’ll go find Percival.”
“Or you could stay here.” Leon suggested hopefully, not entirely trusting that Gwaine would seek help out for a second time. “I’m not using the bed anyways.”
“Why… aren’t you using your own bed?” Gwaine asked, and Leon faltered.
“I… um…” Leon glanced over at the blanket on the floor, then back to Gwaine.
Gwaine was no longer wearing a fake smile, and Leon could clearly see how devastated and hopeless he was feeling. Gwaine had trusted him, had come to him during a time of need, confessed to something personal and troubling; Leon at least owed him some sort of truth.
“I sleep on the floor to try and stop the nightmares.” Leon admitted. Gwaine frowned.
“Why?”
“I… Well… I thought if I punished myself first, then the nightmares wouldn’t.”
“Punish… yourself?” Gwaine frowned. “By sleeping on the floor? That doesn’t sound healthy.”
“Neither does drinking yourself into such a state that you start picking fights with anyone bigger than you.” Leon didn’t mean it maliciously, he’d just wanted to put some perspective on the situation. His eyes widened upon realizing how he’d come across. “I-I’m so sorry-”
“No…” Gwaine shook his head, tears falling as he did so. “Just… you’re Leon. Perfect Leon who never falters, never breaks, never gives in. But it’s all pretend, like me. We hate ourselves. We punish ourselves. You’re like me .”
Normally, Leon would take offense and slam the door in Gwaine's face, but he was right, wasn't he? Gwaine, too, put up a front. Gwaine, too, was suffering inside. Gwaine, too, felt little reason to continue. Gwaine, too, hurt himself to cope with the self loathing.
Gwaine was like him, and he was like Gwaine.
And Gwaine stood in front of him, broken, unmasked, feeling comfortable enough to do that in front of him. He could have gone to Merlin, should have gone to Merlin… But here he was, because he felt he and Leon had something in common.
And he was right.
Leon cursed his eyes for burning.
“I think you’d better come in…” Leon whispered, pushing the door open. Gwaine didn’t need to be told twice, he sauntered in and beelined towards the blanket on the floor. As Leon closed and locked the door, Gwaine lay the blanket gently over the bed.
“I’ll make you a deal, yeah?” Gwaine turned to Leon, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I’ll stay here, like you wanted, yeah? And you’re gonna sleep in the bed with me. Deal?”
“And if I don’t?” Leon couldn’t help but ask.
“Then I’ll just sleep on the floor with you.” Gwaine tried to smirk, but it came out as a half-hearted half-smile. Leon sighed. At least Gwaine hadn’t threatened to leave to go and do heaven’s-knows-what. However, it also meant Gwaine’s deal was void, since he’d be staying regardless of Leon’s response.
Leon didn’t tell him that though.
“Fine. But on one other condition.” He may as well make the deal fair.
“Which is?”
“You have Sir Tedward for tonight.” Leon offered, indicating to the bed. Gwaine turned to the bed, and found Sir Tedward sitting on the pillow in a set of chainmail and a red cape of his own. Gwaine smirked.
“Cute.”
“Blame Elyan.” Leon sighed. “Arthur ordered Elyan to make him some armour, since he’s a ‘Knight Of Camelot’ now. Lancelot made the cape. I think it’s stupid, treating a stuffed toy like a knight.”
“Yeah, well, you would.” Gwaine snorted. Leon blinked.
“What do you mean ‘I would’?”
“You still think he’s a toy. He’s not. He’s a coping mechanism, a comfort. Just like drinking is for me, it’s a coping mechanism, it’s just a way to stop thinking so loud, to shut the stupid voices up. That’s what Sir Tedward is for you, to calm you down. You still see him as a toy and I’m sure I’m right to blame your dickhead Dad for that. That’s why Arthur knighted him.”
“…What?”
“Being a knight is what you do, you don’t really know how to do much else.” Gwaine explained. “That’s why Arthur knighted him, so you’d be more comfortable with him. Bit of a weird way to go about it, I think, but he was just trying to help you accept him in his own Arthur way.” Gwaine sighed. “He feels really bad about not understanding why you need Sir Tedward, and he’s trying to fix it, even if he should have just minded his own business.”
“Arthur said he needed me to look after myself…”
“Yeah, and Sir Tedward helps you do that, right? Well, when you’re not throwing him into the woods.”
“Do you know how it feels to be a Knight, First Knight of Camelot, and be awoken by nightmares and make my friends, my comrades who turn to me for guidance, go and fetch my teddy bear so I’ll stop crying?”
“Do you know how it feels to watch the First Knight of Camelot refuse help and acceptance because he truly believes he doesn’t deserve it?” Gwaine retorted, trying to sound angry. “We would do anything to bring you comfort in your time of need, but if you refuse that, then we are helpless to do anything but watch our role model and our friend fall apart and wish death upon himself-”
“Gwaine-”
“-and we are completely unable to help because you seem to believe you deserve to be hurt!”
“So do you!” Leon snapped. Then he sighed. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m not.” Gwaine grumbled. “We’re both fucked up and stubborn, aren’t we?”
“I… cannot disagree with you.” Leon settled on. “If you allow yourself the comfort of Sir Tedward, I will allow myself the comfort of lying beside you.”
“Alright.” Gwaine settled on, surprising Leon. He’d half expected Gwaine to retort with a flirtatious or ego-centric comment, but instead, he’d just laid himself on the far side of the bed and waited for Leon. Leon stared, and Gwaine frowned, propping himself up on his elbows. “What?”
“You’re entirely sober, aren’t you?”
“What of it?” Gwaine asked.
“I’m proud of you. But, if I may ask, why?”
“…I tried to start a fight with Merlin after taking the test. He found me in the tavern, just kept saying ‘it’ll be okay, you’ll be okay’ and I- I nearly hit him… If Merlin hadn’t grabbed me and kicked me down…” Gwaine trailed off. “I raised a hand to my best friend for trying to help me when I was set on destroying myself. It was like… It was like being trapped inside my head when Lamia possessed us… But it was all me.”
“It wasn’t.” Leon tried to reassure him as he climbed into the bed next to Gwaine, who settled down beside him. “Alcohol changes your brain, makes you feel numb, or invincible. You would never cause harm to Merlin, not if you hadn’t been drinking. I know you.”
“You do?”
“More-so now than I ever have, yes.” Leon whispered. Gwaine sniffled, blinking up at Leon.
“You know, all those times I fantasized about us in bed together, it was never quite like this.”
“I can hardly imagine you’ve ever thought about us in bed together.” Leon chuckled, but Gwaine didn’t.
“Well, why not? You’re attractive. So are the others, I mean, just look at Percy…” A smile graced Gwaine’s lips for a moment before turning back to Leon. “But… I know not to shoot where I don’t have a chance.”
“Why wouldn’t you have a chance?” Leon frowned, reaching for Sir Tedward. “I don’t think there is a single lady in Camelot who doesn’t want you.”
“Yeah, but my target audience ain’t the lasses.” Gwaine muttered. Leon reached for Gwaine’s hand under the sheet, pushing Sir Tedward into it. Gwaine gasped breathily as the anger and despair within him seemed to melt away, only to leave him with a floaty, blissful feeling as he glanced back up at the First Knight.
He wanted to chase that feeling.
“I’m about to cross a line, Leon, and I need you to stop me.”
“What if I don’t want to stop you?” Leon whispered, leaning closer to Gwaine. That was all it took for Gwaine to throw caution into the wind and press his lips to Leon’s, kissing him. And Leon kissed back. It was sloppy, not as romantic as others Gwaine had had, but it felt just as good. More so, perhaps, as he realized he had actual feelings for this First Knight.
But would Leon share them?
Gwaine pulled away, and Leon chased him briefly, trying to keep the kiss going a micro-second longer. Gwaine blinked up at Leon, who looked… hurt? Or maybe hopeful? Gwaine felt Leon’s hand squeeze his own, which was still holding Sir Tedward.
“I-I shouldn’t have-”
“I let you.” Leon breathed.
“You- You won’t want me, in the morning, once we’re all… not emotional anymore.”
“Do you know that for a fact?” Leon asked. “Because if you do, I’ll have to report you as a sorcerer.”
“No. I don’t…” Gwaine whispered, noting the small smile on Leon’s face. “But you can’t possibly- You’ve never- God, did you even have any idea what we were doing?”
“We kissed.” Leon blinked. “I know what a kiss is.”
“Yeah, well… Can never tell with you. You’ve never shown an interest in romance.”
“No. Perhaps not. But… I-I am beginning to accept comfort…” Leon whispered. Gwaine smiled a little.
“That was comforting to you?”
“Being close to you… any of you… Yes. But I cannot imagine kissing any of the others. Except Percival, perhaps.”
“Yeah, well, you’d be a fool not to want Percival.” Gwaine chuckled, but it quickly faltered.
“Leon, what are we?”
“We are just like each other. We see each other.” Leon responded as though the answer was obvious. “We are both people who… who failed the eternal sadness test.”
“Shit, Leon…” Gwaine propped himself up on one elbow.
“It’ll be fine. That’s what Merlin said, right?” Leon asked. Gwaine nodded.
“It is, yeah… but he doesn’t know that for a fact. He’s not a sorcerer.”
“No, he’s not.” Leon sighed. “Do you think it’ll be alright if… if we aren’t okay?”
“Well, how about we do this again, when we aren’t okay? You said it yourself, it’s comforting. And I’m pretty comfortable too.”
“Alright.” Leon smiled. “May I hold you? Like Percival and Lancelot did for me?”
“Sure.” Gwaine shifted closer, moving Sir Tedward to sit between their chests as Leon wrapped his arms around Gwaine, and Gwaine buried his face into the crook of Leon’s neck.
“I think you should pursue Percival.” Leon whispered, one hand moving from Gwaine’s back to brush Gwaine’s hair soothingly.
“I will if you will.” Gwaine retorted, and Leon couldn’t tell for the life of him if Gwaine was joking. “Imagine this, but with Percival too.”
“And Lancelot.” Leon added. It was ideal: Percival and Lancelot had held Leon before and he’d felt so very safe with them. Lancelot always knew exactly what to say, and Percival picked up on things no-one else could.
“Elyan can squeeze in too. Keep us all warm.” Gwaine whispered, his eyes closed. “Arthur will keep Merlin for himself. Selfish prick.”
“Are you speaking ill of our king?” Leon joked sleepily. Gwaine nodded, and Leon felt his body relax completely before speaking up once more.
“Leon? Can we do this again?”
“I was hoping you’d want to.” Leon confessed. Gwaine snorted a little.
“G’night, Leon.”
“Goodnight, Gwaine.”
When the two awoke the next morning, neither of them mentioned the fact Leon had slept soundly through the night in his own bed.