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There it was again. Light. Heat. Or was it just another dream?
Another...?
Her mind was fractured, her thoughts disordered, her fána... did she have one? She couldn't remember.
She attempted to move. Fingers twitched, claws scraped. The noise made her wince. It was loud, too loud after the silence of the Void.
... Void? What was that?
Her fána felt awful. Exhausted, weak, broken. But it was whole, wasn't it? Or did she lose parts of it?
How...?
She tried to remember. She'd had memories at some point, but there was nothing now, like waves crashing on a beach and erasing what had been drawn and written in the sand.
Another presence drew nearer. It was the source of the light and heat she had sensed, but she felt confused when it approached her. Something inside her had assumed it would be familiar, yet all she knew was that she didn't know this other being and had met him before – both at the same time, paradoxical and still true.
Him . Had it always been him? Had the other one been like him too? The feeling of recognition flickered and faded as soon as it had appeared, and her mind was left empty once more, strained by her efforts to remember.
Another...? But who...?
"Can you hear me?"
He spoke to her. How could it be that she... no, she could hear. Maybe that was better than another mind trying to connect to hers again.
Again? She squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to discern what she meant by that, but yet another memory eluded her.
"Can you answer me?"
She wasn't sure, though she understood the other wanted confirmation that she was listening. Hesitantly, her muscles struggling to obey, she nodded.
There was whispering around her. More voices, others... more heat. More life . They didn't seem familiar, however; the only thing she could gather was a vague sense that they were beings like her.
"Open your eyes."
She obeyed. It was dark around her, but there were colourful lights all over the place, big and small, causing her to cover her eyes with a wail. Too bright, even now. There had been no light out in the Void.
"Take your time. You can do it."
She heard the voice speaking to her with much more clarity now that she was fully awake and her senses were coming back to her. Rolling over on her side, she slowly propped herself up on her arms and tried again. There were hands and claws – her own. The lights were still there, but it became more bearable every time she blinked.
"There you go."
Finally, she faced the voice. The being whose presence she had first felt was crouching nearby, his form larger and stronger than her own, bright blue eyes studying her. His hair resembled the darkness she had come from, making her wonder if this was why she thought she should remember him.
"What is your name, little one?"
She shook her head. She had no answer for him.
The other's brow creased, seeming concerned. "You have none?"
She nodded.
"All of us have one. You do too. Can you not remember?"
Again, she shook her head. Perhaps she had known it once, but not anymore. It was among the things that had been washed away by the darkness.
A different voice chimed in. "Couldn't you find out who she used to be?"
"No. Too many memories were missing. I was hoping she would tell us when she wakes," the strange being responded.
"And you couldn't restore it either?"
"I did what I could. It is already a miracle that she is conscious and speaking to us."
The voices resumed murmuring in the background. She didn't understand what the stranger was referring to, but she managed to catch another glimpse at those who were with him. They were among the lights she had seen, fiery silhouettes in the darkness – and then there was the one who had spoken up.
She felt as if she had been struck by lightning, her fána suddenly tense. He was easily the brightest thing around, not as great and powerful as the presence in front of her, but filled with primordial golden flames that drew her in and made her mouth water. He was beautiful, yes, but that wasn't what piqued her interest, it was the light and fire within his being.
He was just so... alive , overflowing with the very essence that she no longer felt inside herself.
She was empty. She wanted it. She was hungry .
She didn't even know what she had done until it was too late. Her fána lunged, a piercing cry tore through her, flames danced in front of her eyes, and then she was on the ground again. It seemed as though the stranger had caught her and pulled her away from the fiery one before she could sink her teeth and claws into him.
She sobbed. The hunger remained.
"H-how can you... be near him ," she finally managed to speak, struggling and clawing at the greater being holding her.
"How could I not? He is a spirit like you. Do you not remember what you are? Do you not remember the Maiar you used to sing with and that Vala you called your lord or lady?"
The stranger's words held meaning, that much she could tell. She felt like she might remember what he was talking about if given a bit more time, but her mind was consumed by hunger, confusion and pain. He was waiting for an answer, she could tell, and she heard the others around him whispering among themselves, lights moving around as they gathered around the fiery one in an attempt to shield him.
She would not get to him, not anymore, and the thought made her sob even harder.
Help me please I don't know why help me help me help me help –
"Hush, little one..."
The stranger picked her up and sat down once more, holding her in his arms. Seconds later she felt warm, the light and heat she had felt in the beginning coming ever closer until it engulfed her. She fed on it, attempted to fill the void within herself, and found herself soothed and sated in the end, her mind at ease – for the time being.
"Can you listen to me?"
She nodded. At the very least she would try, out of gratitude for the one who fed her.
"My name is Melkor and I am a Vala. Not yours as far as I can tell, but I was the one who found you."
"Found me...?"
"In the Void."
Blue eyes watched her intently, and his ëala carefully brushed against hers as if to test her reaction. She remained still, neither withdrawing nor opening up.
"Do you know why you were in the Void, little one?"
"... What is the Void?"
She felt concern. It took a moment until she realised the emotion didn't belong to her – it was Melkor's. Instinctively, she tried to make up for it.
"Is it the darkness?"
"Yes. Do you remember that? Dark, empty, cold?"
She nodded. Yes, those sensations had become familiar – a part of her even. Her ëala flickered like a candle in the wind, once more plagued by the feeling of being incomplete .
"So you don't know how you ended up in the Void?"
"No..."
"But you were there for quite a while, yes? Long enough to... lose parts of yourself?"
"Y-yes...?"
She wasn't entirely sure, but Melkor's words made sense to her.
He contemplated her response for a few moments, then continued, "Do you know why you attacked Mairon?"
"Who?"
"The Maia you tried to get to."
"The fiery one?"
"Yes."
She licked her lips nervously. Something told her that what she had to say would sound odd to the others, but she felt obligated to answer Melkor. "I am... was... hungry. And he... is so... full of light... so... delicious...."
Timidly, she glanced in his direction and saw his beautiful features contorting in disgust.
"So you wanted to feed on his light..." Melkor repeated. Worry was creeping into his voice.
"Is she..." Mairon addressed the Vala, gesturing in her direction, "... corrupt ?"
"I am afraid the Void may have done more than just feed on her. It seems to have etched itself into her very being."
She looked up at Melkor, blinking in confusion.
"I'm... not supposed to do that?"
He sighed. "You were different once, little one. But then something terrible happened to you and I found you like this. I did what I could to restore you, but it seems like not even my fire can heal all your wounds."
She looked down at her fána, noticing how much weaker she looked compared to the others. Maia. That was what she was too. Or had been once. And she had been with a Vala who wasn't Melkor, though his presence evoked faint hints of memories.
"So I am... not myself anymore and... can't be healed...?" she asked and felt a strange wet substance in her eyes, clouding her vision. If that was so, perhaps it would've been better if she had never woken up again.
"No. However..." Melkor lifted his hand to carefully wipe her eyes with the back of his index finger. "You can become someone new instead. I can give you a name and accept you as mine... you can make new memories... and we can continue to seek solutions for your hunger... would you like that?"
"Yes."
"But you need to promise me that you won't attack another Maia again, at least as far as you can help it. I cannot keep you if you hurt your kin."
Her ëala thrummed with the echo of her hunger, but she nodded. She was going to try her best, not only because she wanted to stay and because she felt a surge of gratitude towards the Vala holding her, but she also had no desire to be burned by Mairon's fire again.
"Very well." Melkor stroked her head with a thoughtful look. "You know... I once desired to fill the emptiness of the Void with Creation, and through our music, we did just that. Maybe we can find a way to fill the Void within you too... maybe there is something for you to feed on so you won't have to be hungry. But first, you need a new name."
"You said you would give me one, yes?"
"I did." He contemplated the issue for a few more moments, then nodded. "Henceforth, you shall be known as Thuringwethil , She of Secret Shadow."