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you stare into nothingness as your thoughts consume you, praying gintokis already conked out as you grip onto him, wondering how you could push this down till nothing mattered anymore.
——————
you wake up before gintoki and decide to get ready for the day, giving him your usual morning kisses, you head off to get ready.
after making breakfast for kagura & gintoki, and possibly shinpachi, you sigh and sit down, lost in your thoughts.
this festering itch inside your body wouldn’t leave, an electrifying and constant twitch that just lingered regardless of how much you wanted to push it down.
you decided to write a note for gintoki & the kids, needing today to ruminate in your heedless thoughts and take some time to yourself.
before kagura and gintoki can wake up, you quickly zoom out of the house, not wanting to deal with barrages of questions or sudden interrogations.
you walked. you walked till you didn’t know where to go anymore, deciding to settle on sitting near the river where surely no one from your odd little town could terrorise you.
sighing, you lean your head against your knees as you stare off into the distance aimlessly. life fucking sucked. everything felt so rough and aimless. it just festered and festered within you and just refused to leave. itching away at your mind and soul.
you just felt so fucking lonely.
you didn’t notice things had gotten so bad. truly.
tears formed yet you couldn’t cry. couldn’t get the pit of emptiness out of your chest that had been festering on for ages. the constant feeling of being swallowed whole by an emptiness that would never leave.
all you could do was simply just accept everything the world had seemed to dish out to you.
you don’t realise how much time passes. the fact that the sun is starting to set, or the fact that you were most definitely hungry and parched. you knew that gintoki wouldn’t search for you, considering the note you left that indicated that nothing was wrong.
yet frankly… you had the urge to not return home. the more you stared off into the nothingness of the ocean, the more you felt drawn to it. the more you had the urge to walk in the ocean and walk and walk till you couldn’t any longer. let the ocean swallow you whole, and maybe everything would finally go away. nothing would matter anymore and nothing was on your head any longer, you were truly free. there was an itch burning at your feet.
free. freedom. finally being free at last.
that was all you could think about as you slowly walked towards the ocean, letting the water drench your feet and the bottom of your yukata as you found yourself going further and further in.
but the further you walked, the further the guilt was killing you. the guilt of kagura. shinpachi. gintoki. oh gintoki…
you couldn’t put that on his shoulders, couldn’t bare to see that look in his eyes of a man who had truly lost everything, a man who had given up. that look that still haunted you till this day.
you heaved a deep sigh as you pulled yourself out of the water, finding yourself slugging through the trek of going home, step by step as you felt like a blank slate of pure nothingness. the festering itch came back, like it always did. coward.
you slide the door open to your home, realising everyone was already asleep. did you really spend the whole day just staring into nothingness?
downing a drink of water and getting ready for bed, you decide to sleep on the couch tonight, not knowing if you’d be able to face gintoki, guilt and shame weighing heavily on your mind.
heaving a sigh, you closed your eyes and prayed one day, everything you carried would just go away. the pain you carried deep within you would eventually just pass, or you could bury it deep down, choosing to ignore it. like you did with everything else in life.
————
feeling arms wrapped around you and laying on someone’s bicep- you opened your eyes in panic thinking you were in some deep horrifying nightmare, but then realised you were with gintoki.
you noticed him peering down at you with a sort of look you had never seen him ever whilst all the time you’ve known him for, a sort of look filled with solemness. he reaches for your hand, thumbs stroking the inside of your wrist. “where were you?”
“i was…. running some errands…” the lie barely glides off your tongue.
gintoki leaned forward, hair shadowing his eyes, “you haven’t been here lately.”
you look up at him confused, trying to make out his features in the darkness. “… yes i have toki…? i come back every night…?”
“you haven’t been here. haven’t been with us.” he replies curtly, his other hand grips onto your shoulder blade as a steadying presence. “talk to me.. don’t. don’t keep this to yourself.” his tone is low, something unsaid and hanged in the air.
you swallow the lump of guilt in your throat as you feel yourself unable to speak, going back to the feeling of wanting to surround yourself in the deepness of the river, of the feeling of mindlessly letting your legs lead you to a place where you thought would let you forget about everything. get rid of that feeling that just seemed to never go away.
your voice hangs as you find yourself struggling to speak, “toki… i…” you blink back tears that are trying to escape, “i don’t know.” is all you can manage to muster out.
he doesn’t add on, pulling you closer, he rests his chin on your shoulder for a long moment. you felt his warmth breath, listening to his breathing that felt a bit heavier than the breathing you often found yourself listening to on nights you laid awake with your thoughts, calming you down.
“m’ just living.” you say into the cold night.
gintoki heaves, not a sigh, yet a sort of pained breath, “why… did you… why won’t you talk to me?”
he knows.
“would you have?”
gintoki tried to not let his frustration get the best of him, “no. but i’m a selfish bastard. you aren’t.”
“maybe i’m selfish too.” you said, eyes closed. “m’ fine.” your voice goes quiet.
he needed to know why, but now wasn't the time to ask. it never felt like it was the time to ask.
if our roles were reversed, would I have an answer?
“i’m sorry gintoki.”
one day, you were going to live freely.