Archive of Our Own ^beta

A Comprehensive List of the Things Nakahara Chuuya and Dazai Osamu are Not Allowed to do in Headquarters as Revised and Reviewed by Mori Ougai

Amended 09/03/2019

1. Don’t come in with a cd claiming its an important briefing video RIGHT BEFORE a mission and it’s literally just chuuya tripping and falling for fifteen minutes why did you record all that
2. Chuuya cringe compilations are NOT training videos for new recruits
3. Stop playing on the stairs you almost ran into kouyou
4. Chuuya stop playing deftones on the roof of headquarters for your workouts its very distracting and singing along to it only makes it worse
5. Must play with q nicely
6. Not to bother the cooks with imaginary food requests
   1. ligma mignon is not a thing and neither is methcake
7. Not to use the armoury supplies and private shooting range for weird life-testing gunplay kink weirdo certainly not safe sane but i guess consensual scene stuff to help dazai “re-discover his will to live” or whatever
8. We dont have christmas parties for the last time this isnt an office we're the largest criminal enterprise in the country
9. Stop playing on the stairs yall are not six youre sixteen
10. Dazai stop sticking your hands in dead bodies and chuuya you kinda dont do anything you just stand close to him and watch
11. Dazai-san never returns my calls
    1. Akutagawa this is not a general suggestion box
12. When you work the night shift it doesnt mean you’re allowed to just hang out and argue about what kind of tree is best you need to actually be at your post working
13. Not to be bothered by them during my smoke breaks
    1. Hirotsu is this you?
14. Not to drive mori’s porsche off the roof of the red tower and then use tainted sorrow to save just you guys and especially when mori’s blinds are up and he can see his car being driven off the roof
15. UPDATE: Sealing off the second basement stairwell as to not have them trip into it again and disturb verlaine
16. The cafeteria staff offered yall oatmeal cookies once one time in the morning when they thought you guys looked tired and now you come over at least once a day wanting to eat like they’re gonna make an exception for you when lunch starts at 12 not before
    1. and especially not at 7 on the dot, even at 10 they’re still preparing for the day so shut up
17. Will not distribute disturbing literature (INCLUDING self-produced works) to those outside the tower when on break, including signed copies of the complete guide to suicide as well as 50 bars to visit before you die
18. The adderall ring is over mori made it be over stop trying to revive it
19. Stop saying you’re in breaking bad each time you go down to the drug packaging plants to go try the meth
    1. Not sure who these characters are but dazai keeps saying chuuya’s his jesse and he’s walter
20. Stop kicking each other under the table during exec meetings u accidentally kicked kouyou's foot and i swear i saw a vein pop
21. Stop leaving work to “surprise” chuuya by blindfolding him and taking him to a dogpark
22. To not approach and harass the cafeteria workers prior to official scheduled lunchtime and push them to feed you and give you lunch when they’re literally just opening
    1. note from an anonymous server: “just did it to be nice once now they come every day i swear YOU GIVE THEM AN INCH THEY TAKE A MILE”
23. Chuuya isnt a twink
    1. Lmao sour slug
       1. Chuuya didnt write this ango did
24. Chuuya smokes like a brisket factory even in non-smoking areas clearly marked to be non-smoking be it library pool area missile silos everywhere
25. Not to steal the various vehicles of the boss and crash them
    1. It all started with crashing mori’s helicopter into his own mansion and destroying the circular driveway
26. Not to break into the drug packaging plants down below to get high and cause trouble for our shipping supply lines and lie to the workers claiming you were sent down to test the drugs
27. Theres a time and a place (i guess) for evangelion kink roleplay. 9 in the morning and in the ammunition storage vaults is not the time nor the place.
28. Stop making elise cry dazai
29. Hey fishface whats ur favourite flower need to know for reasons
    1. lmao a peach flower what u getting me somethingggg chuu-yaaa~?
       1. no im getting cyanide so look out douchelord
    2. hehe alright thank uuuu
       1. EDIT: awww yeah i know those cupcakes are for meee hehe thank u hat-pooks thanks
          1. enjoy or else i change my goddamn mind osamu
             1. STOP EDITING THIS TO TALK USE YOUR PHONES TO TEXT EACH OTHER
30. Dazai ate one of Kajii’s lemons u guys, fortunately or unfortunately he lived bc his ability nullified the bomb but it made kajii cry and chuuya just encouraged it
31. Not to play gravity parkour in the lobby and break things and scare higuchi
32. Chuuya stop doing yoga in the middle of the halls during busy days and dazai stop encouraging him
33. Dazai we know you unplugged chuuya’s life support to charge your phone we can’t tell if that’s a sign of trust from chuuya’s part or an assassination attempt
34. UPDATE: Mori had to nail down anything he wasn’t immediately needing to use because each time they left his office something went missing
35. Someone block netflix or something from chuuya's work computer bc he binge watches banana fish on repeat and is a wreck the rest of the day and doesnt get anything done
36. Stop playing on the stairs
37. Stop saying youre in a dateline video when mori calls you into his office chuuya you encourage it
38. Stop showing up outside of ace's office saying "you're here to free the slaves"
39. Yall are uninvited from hirotsu’s birthday party hes had enough
40. Chuuya stop doing your hair in mori’s bathroom bc you have “in-law” privileges or something
41. Dazai custom ordered an advent calendar themed after the many expressions of chuuya with each day going by the chocolates modelled after real photos of him get angrier and weirder and he put it in the executive offices hall and DILIGENTLY checks it every day
42. Stop posting classified top-brass info on reddit
43. Stop playing on the stairs i mean it
44. Dazai stop calling chuuyas house the doghouse he lets u live there for free and can stop that arrangement at any time
45. Stop playing on the stairs PLEASE
46. Dazai cheats on all our video games when he thinks im not watching please do something about this IMMEDIATELY i cannot wear the mould of shame again
    1. Chuuya this isnt the right place
       1. THIS IS ABOUT US OFC I CAN SUBMIT
47. Stop scaring verlaine
48. Stop enabling each other
49. Stop bringing in firearms, grenades, and medieval mace weaponry into your personal offices there are spaces and times for that
50. Dazai get your work done for once chuuya please give him his medication if not you odasaku can you get that done please
    1. yeah its fucking annoying think osamu listens to like that orphan-collecting guy over me for shit its annoying
       1. what u jealous ;)))
51. Someone stop the mackerel hes a problem the cheating HAS SPREAD it has escaped CONTAINMENT he is now cheating on SOLITAIRE
    1. Chuuya stop editing
52. STOP PLAYING ON THE STAIRS PEOPLE DONT HAVE TIME TO WAIT FOR YOU
53. Dazai-san never answers my letters
    1. Akutagawa this isnt the right box
54. OSAMU HOW DO YOU CHEAT ON LACROSSE
    1. Wait yall were playing lacrosse who tf aside from white ivy league ppl play that even
       1. Apparently chuuyaaaa~ >:)
          1. YOU CONSENTED TO THIS FUCK-SUCKER
             1. THIS LIST IS NOT FOR YALL TO ARGUE ON
55. Play nice with q
    1. Please dazai seriously thats not your little sibling kind of
56. Whatever that was down in the lobby bathroom please confine it to your place of residency
57. The music in chuuya's office keeps getting louder im sick of hearing the same chase atlantic song over and over
58. wasn't going to say anything before as i am a very tolerant and open-minded individual but these fruit-loops are currently in the drug restocking centre mixing things this could cause an actual accident if theyre not careful but if i remove them they said theyd file a report that i hate-crimed them
59. Where the fuck is my xbox controller Osamu i KNOW u did something to it
    1. wouldn't you like to know fedora-boy =)
60. Stop inviting that footsoldier tired oda-looking guy to your office for “platonic cuddle-parties”
    1. Youre just jealous hehe ango did u do this
       1. Dazai we know this is you
61. Stop playing warhammer in the middle of the halls
    1. Dazai shut up about the political allegories and just have some fucking fun here
       1. Well my pookie you chose to play space marine so i shall go off you see
          1. Yeah and u chose eldar the STUPIDEST ONE
             1. You two are nerds haha
                1. HEY ODASAKU HIIIIIIII :DDD
62. Dazai stop pretending to be dead to get attention pretending to be dead is not just laying down in the busy lobby and slowing your pulse ppl have to get around u
63. Stop saying expired food is as old as the old boss thats a lazy comparison
64. Dazai converted like ten people to communism yesterday. I dont think thats necessarily against the rules but i just wanted to mention this.
65. haha im a space marine
66. guess who got new BANDAGESSS~!
    1. That's great news, Dazai!
       1. ikr odasaku thx for taking me to the store hehe
          1. BOTH OF YOU ODASAKU I EXPECTED BETTER
67. hey guys same anonymous restocking centre worker uh one of them keeps unzipping the lab kits and messing with the supplies not sure and i just saw the taller one staring at me from the breakroom i dont want them in here
68. osamu wheres my x-box controller someone please tell me if u know if he paid u off please just come out and say
    1. i can try to find it, sir!
       1. thx higuchi
69. Dazai stop calling mori francisco franco whatever youre trying to say no one cares
    1. Yes exactly - the suggestion I am some sort of dictator or coup attempter, Osamu, is an incorrect one.
       1. Lmao senicide-doer ohohooo
          1. I have no idea what you’re referencing or suggesting, my child.
             1. Bitch i aint youre child no one is you wannabe brain-diddler go back to discord
70. Welp,,,fuck these two, u tell them to not do something and it goes in one ear and out the other...told them the warhammer thing causes people to have to step over u and especially NOT DURING A SECURITY BREACH and yet ofc what they did is they pulled out an even bigger board and began to paint their fucking minis in the hall outside of kouyous office
71. hey chuunuts ill give ur chihuahua brain some hints on where in the fucking fuck ur controller is if u want
    1. okay???
       1. hint 1: its damp
       2. hint 2: its gross
       3. hint 3: piss piss piss
    2. OH FUCK YOU WHYS IT IN THE LOBBY TOILETS I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOUR DICK OFF OSAMU
       1. hehehe did u enjoy ur daily surprise mon amorrr
72. Chuuya when u work out you sound like michael jackson on meth not to be mean
    1. Lmao its chibi jackson
       1. Dazai stop editing
    2. Chuuya has no rizz
       1. and ur an incel u psych ward escapee
73. we are drugs we are drugs we are drugs
    1. Dazai, drug theft is an actual issue i hope you understand
       1. heya ango do u wanna hang out tonight odasakus available and shit
74. Stop testing the drugs we all know ur both full of shit
75. Dazai replacing chuuyas water bottle with a dog bowl is unfunny
76. Chuuya stop drinking at work thats a pretty basic suggestion
    1. Hehe drunkahara ohohooo
       1. Dazai youre not allowed to edit this document