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I. coldness of disrepair
“Speaking of debts…” Tony extracts two hundred-dollar bills from his pocket and kneels right above Steve on the sofa. He lowers his gaze as he leans forward, slowly drags his hand up Steve’s thigh and untucks his shirt, the rustle of clothing piercing through the charged silence of the room.
“Tony-”
“Here,” Tony whispers, tucking the bills into Steve’s waistband. He swallows thickly, praying that his heartbeat is only audible to himself. They’re so close right now. Even as Tony avoids Steve’s eyes, he can feel the way he is staring at him. Fingertips burning from the bare skin of Steve’s hips, Tony lets his hand linger for a moment before forcing himself away. “You earned it, Cap.”
Finally, he risks a look at Steve’s face, a deep splash of red blush spread across his cheeks. He’s staring at Tony with wide eyes, fluttering eyelashes and a slightly parted mouth. Why does he look so undone with just a touch? It was innocent enough – Tony could pass it off as teasing, even. That’s the story he’s sticking to.
Before Steve can choke out a single word, Tony swiftly pushes himself up and walks out of the room. He resolutely ignores his own burning arousal and the ache in his chest that he can’t blame on the arc reactor. He feels like he’ll never take a steady breath again after a few minutes in Steve’s company. What the fuck is he doing? What’s the endgame for this? When did he start acknowledging that there was a ‘this’ to plan for?
Tony stops in an empty hallway, curls his fists and slumps against the wall.
'This' is a goddamn mess.
II. without recompense
Tony spends a few moments with his erection straining against his jeans and decides to go to Pepper. It’s one of the worst decisions he’s ever made.
She slides her hand up Tony’s shirt, and self-loathing swells in Tony’s gut as he thinks about how he did the same to Steve moments ago. Shamefully, it’s that memory that makes him harder. How sick is he, to taint his intimacy with Pepper with desire for someone else?
Nonetheless, his fantasies march on. Her thighs wrapped around his head makes him think of eating Steve out — the noises he’d make. He thinks about Steve when Pepper wraps her lips around him in return, eyes fluttering closed when she sinks down onto his cock. Has Steve ever given a blowjob before? Probably not. The idea that Tony would be his first sends a rush of pleasure so strong that he rips himself from Pepper’s mouth — chest heaving, eyes wound shut — to avoid coming prematurely.
It’s a betrayal he hopes never comes to light. But that doesn’t stop him from running his hands across Pepper’s body, kissing her neck, and maneuvering her onto her stomach because he can’t cope with the shame of looking her in the face while fantasizing about Steve. He figures making her faceless is better than contorting her image.
Tony tries to listen intently to the pitch of Pepper’s voice while he fucks into her roughly from behind. It’s a losing battle that he eventually succumbs to when his mind conjures up images of Steve in ecstasy, and it’s only then his hips stutter as he comes hard enough to see stars.
III. swimming pools
Is it a midlife crisis?
Tony is slumped over his workshop desk. The balancing act between drinking to take the edge off and drinking to forget came crashing down the second he began musing about the sounds Steve would make if Tony’s gifted another excuse to touch him.
Pepper sat him down earlier today, her lips flattened, shoulder tense.
“We need to talk about your Steve problem,” she murmured.
And Tony, the bastard he is, immediately turned away from her and replied, “Didn’t know there was a problem.”
The conversation spiraled out of control for a while before they revisited the original point, with Pepper trying to catch his eyes and Tony either snapping at her or avoiding the topic altogether. As it is, Pepper…'Accepts' is an ugly word for this. Pepper understands how Tony feels about Steve, but she trusts him to keep his head on right regardless. Tony assured her that he has everything he’s ever wanted. She didn’t look relieved, but it was the truth. It is the truth.
Tony isn’t interested in upending his life. Because that’s what Pepper is to him — she means everything. She has stuck by his side through things no one would have blamed her for leaving him over, and it’s been that way long before they got together. It’s his responsibility to return her loyalty and realize just how good he’s got it. It’s perfect — better than perfect. And he would be a fucking idiot to give it up for—
For.
Captain America has been a source of just about every emotion possible in Tony’s life. The intensity of Tony’s feelings for Steve has been the longest running shitshow in existence, from when he loved and admired Captain America in his youth to the resentment and lust that followed and persisted years after. Tony was screwed from the start. Even when the supernova of emotions simmers to a lull, the mere mention of Steve’s name is enough to make his entire world stop.
Every time those deep blue eyes land on Tony, he gets flashes of their time spent together — the brush of their hands when walking beside each other, the pink of Steve’s mouth, late nights pressed against each other on the sofa, from shoulder to entangled legs, that time after they won a battle and Tony looked at Steve’s grin, alight with relief and thought, Nothing ever will compare to this moment, right here. The realization is just as sharp now as it was then. He’s not stupid enough to ignore the implication. All those times he’s pushed boundaries with Steve just to get a little closer to a fantasy that he knows can’t come to fruition proves one thing.
Tony loves Pepper beyond words, but he loves Steve beyond reason.
And with that, he pours another shot to burn past the lump in his throat.
IV. sanctuary
Tony makes it two hours before slipping out of bed to call Steve. He takes one glance at Pepper sleeping, feels the familiar guilt stir in his gut, and heads down to his workshop.
The phone rings twice, then the line picks up.
Before Tony can think of something to say, Steve asks, “Tony…Is Pepper okay with you calling me like this?”
The reminder echoes in his head. Tony wants to play dumb. Oh, is there a reason, Pepper, my girlfriend and life-long companion for about a decade, wouldn’t want me speaking to the sole person in existence that causes rifts in my fidelity?
Too bad Steve doesn’t like bullshit. And Tony really, really wants to talk to Steve. “Of course she is. I, well, she and I have an understanding when it comes to you.”
The silence following his admission feels pointed. It almost sends Tony into a nervous spiral. He’s ready to take it all back — then Steve responds.
“When it comes to me, specifically?”
Fuck.
Tony tightly shuts his eyes, fearing that the severity of his heartbeat can be heard over the phone. Hopefully, Steve’s enhanced hearing has some limits. “Yes. Just you.”
“Tony.”
“But—Look, Steve,” Tony stutters, running his hand down his face. “Please. You have me begging here. I promise, I just want to talk.”
“About?”
“Anything,” Tony chokes out. “I just wanted to hear your voice. That’s all. I promise.”
Another piercing silence. Tony’s gripped with the fear that this is it. Steve’s going to pull away, and he’ll never have the chance to steal these moments from him again.
He’s ready to plead more when a soft, unsure voice says, “Well…I joined an art class recently.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
And for that instant, Tony feels the lightest he’s ever been. A wide smile overtakes his face as his heart settles for a steady, rhythmic beat, soothed by Steve’s voice.