Work Text:
October 2022
Matthew envies it as he was taking a video of the birds flying above them on that cloudy weather. How he wishes he was like them, freely letting themselves just take the direction wherever their wings would take them without having to worry about anything else. How he wishes he could be like them too, doing the things that he wants without being afraid of the possible consequences of his actions or what he may risk along the way.
He turned to look at Hanbin on his side, who was happily taking a video of him after taking a few steps back through his own phone. The both of them automatically laughed as soon as they made eye contact. Matthew’s chest tightened afterwards. How he wishes it will always be just like this, that he will always be around Hanbin just like how he is now.
It was Hanbin who invited him to go on a quick vacation in his hometown, which Matthew agreed immediately without having to ponder on it with much thought. He hasn’t visited their home in months as their schedules would never match together. It was hard to make amends with their free time especially when the both of them are living their lives differently now, Hanbin who was busy taking different dance classes in Just Jerk Academy while Matthew is trying to take his shot again after he was casted as trainee in MNH Company.
That was how they were both living their lives for the past few months until Hanbin offered Matthew on joining a survival program by Mnet. “Matthew-ya, what do you think about joining Boys Planet?” Hanbin asked him randomly one day. He thought it was absurd at first, thinking even of taking a shot for his dreams through winning the hearts of the public.
He stared at Hanbin who seemed to be confident about it, silently anticipating for his answer. As much as Matthew wanted to enthusiastically give him the answer he probably wanted to hear, all he gave Hanbin was a small frown.
“I don’t think joining something like that is fit for me, hyung.” Matthew admitted, remembering all the hardships they shared training on Cube together back then when they first met.
It was already hard trying to prove themselves that they are worthy of debut in front of their vocal and dance trainors without feeling intimidated everytime the monthly evaluations happen. Mistakes on performances are inevitable, it all just depends on how you professionally deal and overcome with it once it happens.
Just by thinking that he must capture the hearts of the people watching them through the program, out of everyone there who was thinking of joining too like them, he suddenly felt so little of himself and his capabilities. Afterall, even if you think you worked hard enough to deserve to debut there, if you don’t have fans supporting you throughout the show, what’s the whole point of your hardwork for all those months in the show?
Hanbin would make it. He surely thought of it right away after hearing Hanbin’s offer to him. How would people not like him when he was one of the talented people he has ever known? The main reason why he was disheartened when Hanbin decided to stop training in Cube all of a sudden and how easily did they let him go from the company, not seeing enough of the potential in his talents and what Hanbin could uniquely show to the world.
It was a waste for the general public not to see how talented Hanbin was, outstandingly shining with his charisma everytime he performs and his stage presence, something in which Matthew witnessed everyday for the whole time he trained together with Hanbin. The next monthly evaluation where he wasn’t with Hanbin anymore, he immediately thought that if someone that was good as Hanbin realized he wasn’t meant for this, then what more for him?
There goes the unanswered question again running in his mind while trying to wrap his head that Hanbin will be joining a survival program soon, with a higher chance of his debut this time while he’s left alone back in the practice rooms, making him think how long will he have to wait again until he could finally reach his dreams that he has been dying to have ever since he first step foot in Korea? What if this dream wasn’t meant for him at all in the first place? What if he’s just chasing on an impossible unrealistic dream of his that he’ll never achieve?
Before he could even think about it further, slowly starting to lose hope again and question his life choices, he felt the warmth of Hanbin’s hand on top of his own, bringing him back to actually staring at Hanbin once again after getting lost in his own train of thoughts. “Hey. You still have time to think about it, okay? The auditions aren’t coming up anytime soon yet.” He squinted his eyes at him right away along with a disappointed voice, accusingly pointing a finger at him using his free hand without hiding his frown. “I also know what you’re thinking right now. I wouldn’t offer this to you if I don’t trust in you and your capabilities, Matthew. I won’t open up this to you if I don’t want to do this with you.”
Hanbin ruffled his hair then gave him a soft, understanding gaze like how he always does whenever Matthew deeply thinks of something through. Afterall, this was a big decision that they are going to make which is going to either make or break both of their future. Even if countless months had already passed since they parted ways, deep down Hanbin knew that this is something both of their hearts wanted, which pulled them closer in the first place despite of their cultural differences.
“Just think it through, okay? I know it’s another huge risk for the both of us again. But come to think of it, this is a great opportunity for the both of us that comes every once in a while and another chance for us to keep running for our dreams together again. Afterall, I still want to debut with you, Seokmae-ya.”
This is how they ended up together again after both receiving a message that they are accepted for the filming of Boys Planet after passing the auditions thrice, with all the details on when will the filming start and how long will it take them until the program finishes. After this day that they spent together, they have to prepare themselves as they will soon be together with 97 trainees who holds the same dream as them, taking their shot on debuting on a nine membered group too.
They completely have no idea who will they be competing together with, which made Matthew admit to himself that he was scared of a lot of things and a lot of possibilities that could happen on the show. Afterall, their debut stake depends on the public’s votes whether they like it or not, and it made him question himself whether does he have a shot to earn a spot in the top 9 out of the rest of the 97 trainees there? What if he gets eliminated right away on the first eliminations, what would he do by then? What is he going to do if he doesn’t make it on the final lineup this time around? Would that be a sign for him to just let this dream of his go, and live his life normally like everyone else around the world in his age?
“Hey. You’re spacing out again.” Hanbin called Matthew’s attention by slightly knocking his hips using his elbows, making Matthew look at Hanbin in surprise. The air was quite windy, their hairs flying heavily as the wind blows through them while leaning through the railings, making Matthew squint a little as he meets Hanbin’s gaze.
“Sorry, hyung. I know that we’re supposed to enjoy today but like…” Matthew heaved a deep sigh, staring back into the deep, clear ocean infront of them, his gaze following suit on how the waves were flowing there. “What is it that you’re worried about?”
“If this was the right choice. I’m scared. Like what if after joining this show and I don’t make it and it will all just bring my self-esteem down?” Hanbin reached for Matthew’s hand and placed it on top of it which was just resting through the railings.
“I’m feeling the same way as you. We really don’t know what the future holds for us once we get in there. We don’t know the people whom we’re all going to meet there and what missions are awaiting for us in that place. We don’t know if we’re going to make it through every eliminations or survive until the finals. We cannot guess and guarantee anything selfishly for ourselves that could make us sleep well every night. We don’t know what will happen to us there and how things will go for us then.”
Hanbin apologetically smiled at Matthew, only comforted by the fact that their hearts and minds are currently feeling the same way. They’re taking a big decision here that could totally turn their lives around, for better or for worse – they still don’t have any idea then.
“But despite the fears of the next days to come, it still makes me want to go forward and pursue this dream even when there are some days after submitting the audition pieces I casually thought of wanting to back out. You know why?” Matthew looked back at him in confusion, shaking his head as an answer to his question. Hanbin silently wishes deep inside of him that Matthew could be in his place for one day and know that he’d never trade having Matthew in his life for the universe.
“It’s because I’m always comforted that amidst all the unfamiliarity that this place and people are going to bring, that I’m going to enter something that I could hardly turn my back on now as I bravely try to desperately reach for my dreams again that I once almost gave up on, I have you there with me, Seokmae. That’s something that they can’t take away from me.”
Matthew felt his chest getting heavier again, looking away before tears starts running down on his face at what Hanbin just shared. It is quite overwhelming to know and to find out that he means as much to Hanbin as he was to him.
Can the universe dare to separate the both of them once again after all of these? Wouldn’t be it so cruel of them to let them meet each other here again and give them a chance to enter this show, but only one of them makes it afterwards and crushing all of the other person’s hopes in achieving the dreams they both desperately wanted? Can Matthew imagine living his life in the future without Hanbin there beside him?
“Do you think we’ll both make it?” Silence. It was all just complete silence after Matthew asked the question. He silently observed the surroundings around him, how pretty the clouds are seen above the sky, how clear the waters are infront of them as the sound of the waves there come and go, and how everyone else were enjoying their time there while basking in the beautiful scenery of the place.
He looked at Hanbin beside him silently while getting lost in his thoughts, taking in his handsome side profile even when the wind kept on blowing his hair exposing his forehead, the serious look in his eyes, and on how his lips were sealed tight in the middle of thinking something while his hand continuously held on him.
They never know when would be the next chance that they could spend a day like this together again. He’ll never know when he could have Hanbin beside him freely just like this again. They don’t know what kind of future lies ahead for them. It’s scary, because it feels like Matthew has to spend everyday from then on like it’s going to be the last time he’ll be able spend it with Hanbin if they wouldn’t make it out of there together.
All Matthew knows is that he has Hanbin here by his side today, but will he still be there with him on the future days as well?
“All I know is that I don’t want to make it if I’m not going to be there with you.”
October 2023
Matthew [08:10 AM]
Good morning hyung ~
Why are you always up so early? T__T
And yes! We’ll still go later as planned.
See you ~
Hanbin [02:24 PM]
(photo)
Look what I found omw home hahaha
So cute ueueue
See you in awhile, Seokmae ^^
“No way! You got this for me by chance? Seriously?” Hanbin asked in a tone full of disbelief while staring at the two ditto charms that he placed on the empty table infront of them, excitedly taking a photo of it together.
“I passed by it the other day while I was grocery shopping with my Uncle and I thought of giving one to you since you like that character a lot. He already took the lip balm though because he wanted to try it.” Matthew laughed before taking a scoop of the mint choco ice cream that they bought together while amusingly watching Hanbin beside him who was busy cooing on the charms.
“Thank you, Seokmae.” Hanbin thanked him again, staring at the gift in disbelief, finding it amazing on how their minds think alike even during their quick vacation where they didn’t meet each other for a couple of days.
“What would your life be without me like seriously, hyung.” Matthew joked but it unintentionally made Hanbin serious once again, looking back at him with so much gratitude flashing in his eyes at him. “I know. I’m forever glad I still have you here beside me, you know.”
- - -
“It feels weird. Not in a weird way. To be here with you again.” Hanbin said as the both of them decided to take a ride back to Sapgyoho together that day to revisit the memories they made there together last year.
“Yeah. I get you, Hyung.” Matthew chuckled as he looked at the familiar scenery once again, going back to where they were standing last time, refusing to believe that it has been a year already since their Boys Planet journey started. Why does time flies so fast?
“We were unsure back then if we would still be together after everything we’ll go through the show. Can you imagine that I was doubting myself in the beginning if I even have enough skills for it and I made it to the third rank at the end?”
“Everyone trusts and loves you, Matthew. You just had to do the same thing to yourself too.” Matthew shyly looked away as he shook his head at Hanbin because of the compliment.
“It still doesn’t feel real. But I’m really thankful for the love I’ve received especially when I thought it was already the end for me.”
He still vividly remembered everything that happened in the past few months before they reached here, all the times he smiled together with Hanbin, cried together with Hanbin and got consumed by fear of their future together with Hanbin. “Everyday back then felt like it was going to be my last day on the show and the last day I’m going to spend with you, Hyung.”
“You know that I’ll not let you go away that easily, Seokmae.”
“You can’t get rid of me anymore actually. You’re stuck with me now forever, Hyung.” The both of them laughed as they made eye contact with each other. Matthew was happy now, that he could finally be free of those endless thoughts that kept on bugging him everyday while he was on the show.
Back then, he couldn’t even totally enjoy being here without being afraid of the future that was about to welcome him. It was nice to come back to this place once again, making him feel that he already had such a huge achievement in his life after all of the endless what ifs and insecurities never leaving his mind back then and nothing else could make him proud for himself now and for the person he’s currently with.
He thought that his life would change drastically after this, once he loses two things that he holds dear in his life – and those are his dreams and Hanbin.
It doesn’t feel real to him until now, that those two trainees who used to be lying on the four walls of the Cube practice room, dreaming of performing on stage together which seemed like a faraway dream for them back then are here together right now, opening the new chapter of their lives together as idols. “This is the future I feared back then. I wanted to give my old self a hug, if only he knew what’s waiting for him one year from now.”
“I know. How I wish I was kinder to my younger self back then too.” Hanbin empathizes with him especially when he thinks back of the days where he was hard on himself on the show, thinking on how he should uniquely show his side to the viewers for every performance he has and meet their expectations, and at the same time getting scared of ruining a single performance that could totally affect his ranking. Being here once again felt like a breather after endless of running towards their dreams and their passion, like a calm wave after a huge storm.
“We still made it here, hyung. I’m happy that I got to debut and promote in the same group with you. Everytime I make eye contact with you on stage whenever we start performing In Bloom or Here I Am, it really makes me proud of us and think that ‘Ah, we truly made it here together.’” It felt like a huge thorn was being pricked out of their chest now, all their worries of failing to achieve this long-time dream that they shared together ever since they first met can be put behind now.
“I told you as well that I wouldn’t have it any other way here without you.” Matthew quickly jumped in surprise when he felt Hanbin’s hand sliding in on his, intertwining their fingers together and raising it infront of them afterwards. “This ring did its wonders too, you know?”
“Hmm?”
“We made this together before the show actually started, right? A promise that we’ll still be together despite everything that’ll happen in between.” They looked at the end of their fingers, their rings meeting each other perfectly as they can clearly see their representative animals being engraved on it.
“I do think this is our lucky charm. Look, we’re still together here until now like what we promised to ourselves.”
“Even when I lost it once?” Matthew chuckled, immediately making Hanbin frown as he looked at Matthew.
“I swear you scared me during that time. Atleast you still managed to get yourself a new one again.” Matthew apologized at him again, in addition to the countless of times he did when it happened.
“I won’t lose this one, hyung. I promise.” Hanbin jokingly glared at him after what he said. “You better.”
- - -
“You know what’s my lucky charm, hyung?” Matthew said as they were walking back side by side to the dorms, feeling sad that their long break was about to end and they are going to start preparing for their comeback promotions by now. Hanbin shook his head at him, frowning as his mind couldn’t make up any guess with his sudden question. “No.”
“I think I’ve used up all of my luck now after meeting you.” Matthew shyly confessed, not meeting Hanbin’s gaze even if he could feel his deep stare through his peripheral vision as they made they way inside, walking through the long path of the front lawn.
“Ever since I started my dreams here in Korea, even if I’m more than halfway through giving up on my dreams, you were there all along beside me. Until today, I don’t think it’s possible for me to reach all of this without you and your endless support.” Matthew stopped infront of the doorway, standing up while facing Hanbin who was in surprise and stopped walking to his tracks, just right infront of Matthew.
The younger silently reached and took their hands where they were wearing their promise rings again and intertwined it together, raising it up like how Hanbin did it a few hours ago. “I wouldn’t trade this and everything that we have for the world.”
“Boo!” Matthew completely jumped up in surprise after Gyuvin scared him from behind, making him pull his hand away from Hanbin to meet the younger who was laughing at Matthew’s reaction while holding his stomach. He playfully hit the younger in his back. “You scared me!”
“I saw you both walking in on the cctv and wondered what made you two lovebirds not come inside for so long!” Matthew glared at Gyuvin again as he playfully hit his back once more.
"Hyung! Are you not going to scold your boyfrie-ndjfhfhdsh” Matthew covered his mouth as he dragged Gyuvin back inside. Even with such a smaller frame, Matthew managed to put his arms around Gyuvin’s shoulders while the younger kept on walking as he was slouching under Matthew’s hold because of it, with Hanbin just following them, amusingly watching Gyuvin and Matthew continuously bicker not far from him.
“The other members will hear you and your nonsense!” Hanbin shook his head as he kept on watching Gyuvin and Matthew bickering infront of him fondly, followed suit by the rest of the members who went down on the kitchen to eat dinner and witnessed their commotion downstairs.
So many things have changed from the previous year for Hanbin and Matthew. There were times when they thought that they aren’t going to spend the future together, thinking that it may be hard for them to meet whenever they want to spend time with each other and imagining how their lives will be if they had to go on their separate ways once again.
Matthew and Hanbin’s eyes meet at each corner of the room and they immediately gave each other a warm and reassuring smile, something ironically back six months ago during the days they needed it the most to support each other as they were both in a tight spot as well, they cannot give it back genuinely as they do again now.
So many things have changed over the year for Hanbin and Matthew except for one thing – and that’s how they still have each other by their side after all the odds they went through together since they first met in Korea. For Matthew, that’s the lucky charm he’d never ever want to lose in this lifetime.