Chapter Text
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The Doctor was ready to Die. It wasn’t that he wanted to , really. He didn’t want anything these Days. He was just ready . He had had enough. Enough of everything and everywhen and everywhere. He had tried, in vain, to move on after the War. To help the people that he had hurt, that he had destroyed in some way, through his own actions. Most of them readily accepted his help. But all of them shunned, or threatened, or beat him once they learned where he was from, who he was, just how he had managed to survive. Sometimes it was even a combination of all three, with a random fourth one mixed in just for the hell of it. His life had become nothing but a constant stream of torture. Year after Year, Decade after Decade.
He had stopped keeping track of how long he hung in each dungeon, how long he slept in each prison cell. It was taking him longer and longer to even start coming up with an escape plan. Because he deserved it. More than deserved it, even. And maybe he was searching out these places and these Times because a part of him wanted it. Maybe part of him wanted the torture, the hatred flung at him from his victims.
His victims.
His.
No one else’s.
No one left to share the blame, anyway.
If absolution was impossible, Then surely retribution was the next best thing. One of these Days, one of these adventures would be the one to send him to his permanent death, to finally End the Time War. His victims would become the victors and all would be right again in the Universe.
Next on the Doctor’s infinite list was London, England: Earth - March 5, 2005. The Nestene Consciousness would be able to provide him the perfect send-off. From what he could gather, they had taken residence under a random department store, a shop called Henrik’s. He would stop them from taking the planet as a new food source. But in the process, they would burn him as he had burned their worlds. And his own.
To the TARDIS’ relief, the Doctor was not yet beyond the desire for backup plans. Even if it involved blowing up the entire store, from inside the blast zone, it was still a backup plan. So, she sat and hummed thoughtfully as he explained it to her.
Here’s the plan. I’ve got enough Nitro-9 left to make Ace cower in fear, see? So it’s simple, really. I’ll just plant it all while the apes close up shop for the night. And Then when they all go home… BOOM!
She groaned in worry, even though he was giving her his best manic grin.
No, no, of course I’ll make sure they’re all gone first. As best I can.
No more deaths would weigh on his conscience.
No more blood would drip from his hands.
No more.
So it was with this reassurance that the TARDIS reluctantly let him out to play.
But there were some things even he couldn’t foresee. Like the young female ape who was still in the fully-rigged department store, looking for a ‘Wilson’. Until, he assumed, she was ambushed by Autons. There would be no other reason for her to be shouting like that.
Oh for Rassilon’s sake, what Now?
He followed the sound of her screams and found her in 30 Seconds. Unthinking, he grabbed her hand. He had intended to just pull her along silently, to just get her the hell out of the basement and out of his way. But the gentle skin-on-skin contact, so relatively soon after losing everyone else in his head… It was so different from how he had grown used to being touched. The smoothness of her palm against his, the heat of her blood racing through her veins, it sparked something deep in the dark recesses of his mind, like a match in a cavern. And so, instead of staying quiet, he spoke.
“Run.”
Over the course of the next 2 Minutes, the Doctor learned several things. The dead ape he had seen earlier was, in fact, Wilson.
Overweight, green eyes, shiny shoes, and a hole in his chest. That was Wilson.
Unfortunate, that.
This ape’s name was Rose. Long blonde hair, large hazel eyes, full lips, pink jacket. That was Rose.
And, most interestingly of all, he no longer intended to blow up the department store from inside the blast zone. He would Never really be able to explain what had changed his mind, not with any significant degree of certainty. But if he had to give an answer, he would have to say…Rose. They had said exactly 212 words to each other, and yet there was something about her that got his curiosity going. Her tenacity and desire to understand the situation reminded him of himself, of how he used to be. Maybe he thought he could do with a bit more of that in his life. Or maybe he just felt a bit like showing off.
But London was a big city, with a population of nearly 7.5 million. The chances of him Ever seeing her again were… He didn’t have to actually do the calculations to know the chances were slim, basically zero. He didn’t need to be a genius to know that.
Except, of course, Rose had taken that arm with her. Which led him straight to her flat the next Day. Well, the next Day for her. It wasn’t even 10 Minutes later for him. And Then he was foolishly holding her hand again in the middle of a quiet street, very nearly letting her feel the turn of the Earth. It was only in the Instant before he lowered his shields that he remembered two very important things.
One: That would have subjected her to sensations that were beyond her little ape brain’s ability to comprehend, driving her mad almost Instantly.
Two: That would have subjected him to sensations that were beyond his damaged mind’s ability to filter out, driving him mad almost Instantly.
So, he ended up deciding against it.
The Doctor ran into Rose again at a restaurant on a romantic outing with the Auton facsimile of her partner. If the Doctor was a betting person (and had any money) he’d wager five credits that the Universe was trying to tell him something. Likely that Rose’s observational skills needed a bit of an upgrade, considering she seemed unable to distinguish plastic from flesh.
And despite the fact that his memory was usually a steel trap, the rest of the Day after that was a bit of a blur. He could blame it on the telepathic damage later, if he had to.
The clever ape figured out the London Eye was the Nestene Consciousness’ signal tower. True to species, she swung in, quite literally, to save his life. Then accidentally implemented his plan C: the anti-plastic. Which was surprisingly fine with him. The Consciousness did threaten the entire planet, after all. And it had seemed rather unwilling to compromise…
Rose, to her credit, seemed to be taking everything in stride. Yeah, it was fine his ship was alien. Yeah, it was fine that he was alien, too. She didn’t even blink. She seemed to be having a great Time. She had some real companion potential.
Maybe the Universe was finally throwing him a bone.
Maybe She had decided that he finally deserved some reward for his efforts to save Her every waking Moment of his life.
So, against his better judgment, the Doctor found himself asking Rose to travel with him. Timelines tugged and fluttered around in his peripheral vision, but the Doctor studiously ignored them. He put on his best smile, asked with his most excited voice. He even put some joy in his eyes, though he was trying desperately to keep it from being real. He couldn’t deal with real right Now…
Especially after hearing her turn him down.
He really, truly thought she would say yes.
But she had said no and poured water on the very same match she had lit within him. He fought the urge to crumple to the grating of the TARDIS. The Universe was toying with him after all, dangling a shred of redemption in front of him like a carrot in front of a flagging mule.
You see, Doctor? This is what you deserve. Crushed hopes. Crushing disappointment. Crushing loneliness.
The Universe was cruel, but She was also right. He deserved every bit of dirt She saw fit to kick into his eyes.
So, the Doctor didn’t argue with Rose’s decision. He wouldn’t beg her to come with him. The Doctor didn’t beg. Not for help. Not for mercy. And not for the company of a random little ape from a random little backwater planet. Especially not with her pitiful excuse for a partner literally holding her down. If she couldn’t manage the strength to pull out of his limp grasp, how could he expect her to be anything but dead weight? It was better for him if she didn’t come, really.
But just as the TARDIS doors shut, he caught a glimpse of her face. The emotions he saw there churned in his brain as he set the dematerialization sequence.
Sadness.
There’s no other choice.
Longing.
Please, you don’t have to do this.
Regret.
I’m sorry.
Despair.
Grandfather, where are you going?
The Doctor blinked hard, forcing his thoughts to quiet down.
Those weren’t the emotions of someone who was happy with their decision. Those were the emotions of someone who desperately wished they could take it all back and have another chance to do something different. He would know. But just because he couldn’t get a second chance, that didn’t mean he couldn’t offer one to her. Maybe that was the kind of person he could be Now, the kind who gave second chances. The kind who asked twice.
As soon as the TARDIS was in the Vortex, he reversed course to land just 30 Seconds after he had left. Just long enough to not be crossing his own Timeline. He expected his ship to put up more of a fight about his impulsive decision. But she was strangely silent. No, not entirely silent. He could almost detect a subtle hum, deep, deep in the back of his mind. The kind of hum she usually made when she was excited.
What are you not telling me?
He received no answer.
With a shrug, he landed with a gentle thud. The Doctor marched down the ramp, threw open the TARDIS door, and made his offer one more Time.
“By the way. Did I mention it also travels in Time?”
Maybe a softer smile would sweeten the deal? Oh, and what if he held the door for her? These female apes liked that, didn’t they? He scanned his memory for his knowledge of 21st Century Earth, facts and figures flipping through his mind like a rolodex. Something to do with their outdated ideas of chivalry and romance…
And Then Rose was saying goodbye to the wet blanket she called her ‘boyfriend’, thanking him for nothing. And she was running straight to him with the biggest, brightest smile he had seen in Centuries. And that match got re-lit.
*****
He couldn’t believe he had taken her to see the destruction of the Earth on her first trip. What was the matter with him? Besides the fact that he was a genocidal killer trying to develop rapport with an innocent shop employee through what could be considered in some circles to be trauma bonding. But he needed her to understand. This was the kind of person he was Now, not Mr. Second Chances. What a daft thought that had been.
He didn’t take prisoners. He didn’t save planets. He let others take all the risk for him while he swooped in at the last Second to save the Day. Some big hero he was. Yet here they were, Rose Tyler and the Doctor, sitting at a rickety metal table outside a London chippy, chatting away like none of those horrible things had Ever happened.
“I’m sorry.” Rose bit her lip and held his gaze, watching his face carefully. He had no idea what she was apologizing for, and his confusion must have been written all over his face because she apologized again. “I’m sorry for pushing your buttons back there. About your planet.”
Ah.
That.
Right.
He didn’t hold it against her, couldn’t hold it against her. It was his fault, really. She had been frightened, feeling alone and completely out of her depth. Fear and confusion often manifested as anger in these little apes. He could relate to that all too well.
“It’s just- I was scared, but you didn’t deserve that.”
“Rose-”
“I mean it. I didn’t know, but… I shouldn’t have pushed you like that.” She reached her small hand across the table and placed it gently on his arm. He blinked and her hand became Jabe’s. He blinked again and it was back to soft, pink skin. “I’m sorry.”
The Doctor felt tears prick his eyes at the sincerity in her voice. He swallowed thickly and covered her hand with his own. “Thank you.”
His voice was heavy with unshed tears and unspoken emotions. Rose gave him a soft smile and carefully removed her hand. They sat in somber silence for 32.7 Seconds before she spoke again. It was just enough Time for him to compose himself. He wondered if she knew.
“So whose are better, then? Mine or yours?” She popped another chip into her mouth, malt vinegar dripping down her fingers.
“Oh, mine for sure.” He beamed a fake smile at her, grateful for the change of subject. “Garlic parmesan is much better than malt vinegar. Not a fan of smelling like fish, me.”
Rose wrinkled her nose at the observation. “Better than smelling like I’m trying to ward off every vampire in the city.”
The Doctor lifted his eyebrows in mock indignation. “Agree to disagree. Vampires are nasty business.”
“There’s no such thing as vampires.” Rose rolled her eyes and ate another chip. He didn’t respond, just stared at her. A look of nervousness flitted across her face. “Right?”
“You’ve just been to the Year 5 billion, met dozens of alien species…and you’re doubting the Existence of vampires in London?”
“Well…‘s not like I’ve run into any so far.”
“Never run into any aliens before yesterday, either. At least, not that you know of.”
Rose blinked and stared at him, properly gobsmacked. The Doctor just pointedly ate a chip, this one covered heavily in garlic. The allicin from the garlic and the alkylpryazines from the parmesan lighted on his taste buds, kickstarting a fresh production of dopamine in his hypothalamus.
“Ugh. I’ll take my chances, thanks.” She stuck her tongue out in disgust, but her expression quickly morphed into a smile, her tongue moving to stick out of the corner of her mouth. The Doctor wondered briefly if that was her natural smile, or something fake like the one he used.
“Your turn, then.” Another chip disappeared into her mouth.
“For what?”
“Asking questions. ‘S what you do on dates, yeah? Ask the other person questions?” Her eyes sparkled with a quiet humor.
Oh. She was teasing him.
“Is this a date?” He raised an eyebrow at her in a challenge.
“Is that your question?” She raised an eyebrow of her own, defiant.
“No.”
“Well, go on.” This Time, she ate two chips at once. She would have to chew longer Now. No chance for her to talk for a bit. It was quite the calculated strategy. Rose was looking at him expectantly. And he realized he was staring. Just a bit.
“What about your- your boyfriend?” He used her primitive description of her relationship with that male from the night before, wanting to seem more relatable. Less alien. It would help him socialize with her. But it left him feeling out of place, a feeling that he still hadn’t quite gotten used to.
All the Time in the Universe for that Now, though, I suppose.
Oblivious to the Doctor’s internal struggle with the English language, Rose’s eyebrow went back up, likely indicating a repeat of her previous question.
“Yes, that’s my question.” His voice was only mildly sarcastic. He mentally patted himself on the back for the achievement.
Rose swallowed and shrugged. “He’s…well, he’s Mickey.”
“That doesn’t really mean anything though, does it?”
“Suppose not.” She grabbed her plastic fork and stirred her chips, recoating them in the malt vinegar that had pooled at the bottom of her container. “I don’t know. He’s…safe? I guess?” She chewed her lower lip, staring off into nothing as she thought. “It’s not like he really takes me on dates anyway. Always blowing me off for the game. Or the pub.” She smirked and refocused on the Doctor’s face. “Or the game at the pub.”
Sideburns, sweaty palms, cowardice and baggy jeans. That was Mickey.
“Nothing too serious, Then?”
The female just looked at him. He looked back. That was not the question he had expected to come out of his mouth. What did he care if this female and her partner were serious or not?
“No, I guess not…” Her response was hesitant.
“I only ask because if you’re going to be travelling with me, I need to know how often you’ll want to come back here for…domestics.” The Doctor mentally kicked himself. 21st century apes didn’t like talking about their intimate relationships with most people, let alone people they had just met the Day before!
Rose’s expression changed into something more annoyed. “Domestics?”
Her scathing tone steeled the Doctor’s nerves and he doubled down. “Yes, domestics! Dinner with the- the boyfriend, tea with the family, that sort of thing.” Hoping Rose didn’t notice his stumbling, he picked up his own fork and speared several chips. He really needed to stop talking, so he shoved them all into his mouth.
“Oh, is that what you meant?” Her eyes narrowed and her mouth turned down at the corners. “Not something else, then?”
The Doctor just shrugged, still chewing as he studied the crowd around them. He knew what she was getting at. And it was what he had meant… Not that he would Ever admit to that. Because it certainly wasn’t his business. What was going on with him?
“Uh huh.” They were both quiet for a while, stewing in the awkward silence. Rose had eaten three more chips by the Time the Doctor finished his own mouthful. At this point, he didn’t even want an answer. He cleared his throat and turned his eyes back to her kind face.
“Your turn, Then.”
She thought another Moment, brows furrowing with the effort. “If you could go on a vacation anywhere you wanted, where would you go and why?”
“That’s two questions.”
“Not according to Cosmo.” Her eyebrows raised again as she picked up another chip.
That got an almost genuine bark of laughter out of him. “You read that rubbish?”
“It’s not rubbish!”
“Is too.”
“Is not.”
“Is too.”
She pointed at him with her bit of fried potato and narrowed her eyes accusingly. “You’re avoiding the question.”
Yes, he was. Because he couldn’t go on a vacation anywhere he wanted. Because that planet no longer Existed. Funny how you Never really think about visiting home until it’s gone. It’s even funnier when you think about how you’re the reason it’s gone in the first place. Hysterical, even. But she was waiting for some sort of answer, so he blurted the first place that came to mind.
“Barcelona.” He crossed his arms over his chest, trying to hold the pain inside.
“Oh, I’ve always wanted to go to Spain!”
“The planet, not the city.” Ah, there it was, the comforting embrace of smug superiority lacing his tone.
“There’s a planet called Barcelona?”
“Rose, I believe it’s my turn to ask a question.”
*****
By the Time they were finished eating, the sun was beginning to set. Rose stood and grabbed both of their empty containers to throw them away. It was such a small gesture, but it still stunned the Doctor. It was the first time someone had thought to take care of him in a very, very long Time.
“Thank you.” This Time, the emotion in his voice was genuine.
“No problem.” She gave him another one of those sweet smiles. “So, now what?”
The Doctor stood and brushed chip crumbs and stray flecks of parmesan off his jumper. Tentatively, he held his hand out to her. She took it without question and that spark in his mind brightened. “Now, Rose Tyler, I think you deserve a trip to the Past.”
He looked down at her as they began walking back to the TARDIS. Even in the fading light, he could see the excitement on her young face. It made him feel…lighter. Just a bit.