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Like every morning, Michael Bluth woke up, went downstairs, and tried to enjoy his morning coffee without any interruption from his family. He thought it would be easy this morning since everyone seemed to be either asleep or gone. That was, of course, until the doors to the model home swung open.
Michael looked up from pouring his coffee. His brother, Gob, entered and quickly made his way to the kitchen island. Michael sighed, looking up to God and mouthing, “Why?”
“Michael,” Gob said, slamming his hands on the counter, “you know how before your wife died, you married her?”
Michael nodded, lips pursed, “Hence the title ‘wife.’” He took a sip from his coffee, quickly remembering how hot it was and setting the cup down.
“Right. Well, you know how before you married her, you proposed to her?” Gob leaned forward, clasping his hands together.
“That is typically how it works. Where are you going with this, Gob?” Michael shook his head.
Gob huffed, “How did you know you wanted to propose?”
“Well, uh, I guess you just know,” Michael shrugged. He picked up his coffee, looking at the counter and back up at Gob, “But, you do know that if you want to propose to someone, you do have to have someone to propose to, right?”
“What, you don’t think I have someone, Michael?” Gob scoffed, seemingly offended, though Michael couldn’t tell whether it was genuine or if he was just trying to get a rise out of him.
“Well, if you do, I’ve never heard of her,” Michael said. He took another sip, setting his coffee down and leaning forward on the counter.
“Well, he-” Gob cleared his throat, “ She’s very real, Michael.”
Michael raised an eyebrow, skeptical. “Is she now? Alright, well, who is she?”
“Who she is, Michael, is not important,” Gob blurted out quickly.
“Okay, helpful,” Michael nodded, “how long have you been seeing this mystery woman?”
“Recently?” Gob huffed, thinking, “Ah, I’d say about two and a half months.”
“Two and a-” Michael looked down at the counter, sighing and trying his hardest not to get irritated, “Since when have you been able to keep a secret for two and a half months?”
“It’s not secret; I just never told you,” Gob shot back. Neither was telling the truth, of course. Gob was somewhat exceptional at keeping secrets, but it usually worked out slightly better when he was ashamed.
“Right, okay,” Michael sighed, “well, Gob, if you really think you’re ready to marry this girl, go for it. Just try and remember what happened to your last marriage,” he patted Gob on the shoulder.
Gob smiled, “thanks, Mikey.” Swiftly, Gob got up and forced his brother into a hug. At Michael’s attempt to escape, Gob shushed him.
Later in the day, Gob was sat at a coffee shop waiting for his date. After his talk with Michael, he decided to rush and pick out an engagement ring. He wasn’t even sure of his ‘girlfriend’’s ring size; he just wanted to be prepared.
“Sir, are you still waiting for someone, or are you ready to order now?” The waitress came up to him smiling kindly, but the kind of kind that was fake-kind.
“Oh, I’m sure it’ll just be a few more minutes,” Gob chuckled, “God, I wonder—”
Amongst the scraping of chairs against tile, “Did somebody say ‘wonder’?” asked a voice. It was Gob’s date, Tony Wonder, who had been hiding under a nearby booth waiting for somebody to say “wonder.”
Gob turned to see the cloud of white smoke dissipating. He smiled as the man took a seat in front of him. The two were at a shabby café, figuring that fewer people would see the two together there. Gob because his ‘boyfriend’ was an openly gay magician, though he wasn’t gay himself, and Tony because his girlfriend hadn’t realized that the gay thing wasn’t just an act anymore.
And, for someone who “wasn’t gay,” Gob seemed pretty infatuated with the man in front of him. Gob cleared his throat, “Hey- hey Tony, I was thinking,” he chuckled nervously, “wouldn’t- wouldn’t it be funny if we got married?”
“Married?” Tony questioned, raising an eyebrow. “Well, would your family have to be at the wedding?”
“Well, I was hoping Michael, at least. Maybe my dad,” Gob mumbled. He cleared his throat, leaning across the table, “Hey- hey, what’s this behind your ear?”
“Oh, what, a coin?” Tony feigned shock, which turned into genuine surprise when Gob pulled out an engagement ring instead. “You’re serious ? Is it even legal?”
“I dunno,” Gob shrugged, looking at the ring he was holding, “I never looked into gay marriage; I never planned on getting gay married.”
Tony took the ring out of Gob’s hand, sliding it onto his left ring finger, “How’d you know my ring size?”
“Magician never reveals his secret,” Gob crossed his arms; that didn’t apply here, however, as Tony Wonder was also a magician. The truth was that Gob guessed. He figured their ring size would be the same since the two were so “same.”
After admiring the ring on his hand, though it was quite ugly, Tony smiled at Gob. He nodded, “I’m in.”
Gob grinned. The two then left the café, going their separate ways. Once he was out of sight, Gob immediately called Michael.
“Yeah, Michael Bluth speaking,” his brother said. He was at work, in his office.
You could hear Gob smiling through the phone, “Michael, you’ll never believe—”
Michael sighed, “Gob, I’m a little busy right now. Can whatever this is wait?”
“Well, Michael, I just thought you’d like to know that I took your advice,” Gob gleamed.
“My-” Michael leaned forward in his seat, “what advice?”
“I’m engaged,” Gob announced, “I have a very hot fiance who is totally real, and totally hot, and has totally big breasts.”
Michael waited a moment before speaking, taken aback a little bit. “You- you really did, huh?” he asked in genuine shock. “Well, I’ll tell you what, Gob, I am happy for you. And I’m sorry that I questioned if your fiancé was real or not. How about- how about I throw you an engagement party to apologize for not believing you, huh?”
Gob was never a very good liar. Of course, as his brother, Michael could tell almost immediately when he was up to something. And the repetition wasn’t helping his case. Michael’s plan with the party was to catch Gob in his weirdly timed lies. Gob would show up with a hooker, not know anything about her, and Michael would bask in the glory of being right again.
Gob, however, loved to gloat. This did contradict with him not exactly wanting to come out yet; he hadn’t exactly thought everything through. But, Gob knew that if he denied the party, Michael would catch him in his brief lie. It wasn’t entirely a lie; he was engaged, but instead of a hot, big-breasted woman, it was a flamboyant, somewhat hot, male magician.
“You’d really do that for me, Michael?” Gob asked, tearing up. He wouldn’t turn down the chance for people to celebrate him.
Michael sucked in air through his teeth, “It’s the least I can do, Gob. Y’know, I’ll start planning right now. How’s tomorrow night?”
As the two hung up, Michael suddenly regretted offering to plan this party. Gob, on the other hand, began to realize that to be celebrated for having a fiancé, his family would have to meet said fiancé, meaning that Gob would have to admit to being engaged to a man.
The next day, Michael hurriedly put together a party in the penthouse, though Lucille heavily protested. He enlisted help from George Michael, and Lindsay had promised to gather people to attend.
That afternoon, the penthouse was decorated as it would be for any other impromptu Bluth family dinner party. Gob, though nearly half an hour late, arrived that evening with Tony, though they entered separately.
“Guess you finally bothered to show up, huh?” Michael joked, placing a hand on his brother’s shoulder, drink in the other hand, “So, where is this fiancé of yours, huh? I’ve gotta meet her sometime,” he laughed.
“Oh, she’s here, Michael. You’ll meet her,” Gob nodded, smirking.
The reason he was half an hour late was, as Michael suspected, because he was hiring a hooker to play his fiancé. Though the hooker wasn’t for the exact reason Michael thought. As Gob looked up toward the kitchen, he noticed a banner hanging above the doorway that stated, “Gob Love Woman."
Gob’s eyes watered, though he wasn’t sure if he was touched or if it was because of the sudden impending doom of him coming out.
Then, in came the hooker, who had immediately draped her arm over Gob’s shoulder. Michael went wide-eyed, not expecting Gob to follow his outline so closely.
Gob smiled, “This is my lovely fiancé, To…ri. Tori.”
Michael nodded, “Tori. Right,” he smiled back, weakly, “nice to meet you.”
And, as the night went on, Gob found himself hopelessly hyping himself up to make his big announcement. Suddenly, Michael stood in front of everybody and clinked his glass. Gob sighed; he figured someone would make a scene and buy him more time.
“Everyone, hello,” Michael shouted over all of the chatter, “hi, yes. Thank you all for coming tonight,” he cleared his throat, “Gob. What more to say about him, huh? He- he finally did it. The flakiest man I know has finally settled down,” he chuckled, “And, with this beautiful woman here, Tori. Give yourselves a hand, huh? And, uh, Gob, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for doubting you. I knew deep down you could do it, and here you are,” Michael nodded. He raised his glass, and some of the room spared claps.
Michael motioned for Gob and his “fiancé,” who were sitting on the loveseat, to come forward and say something. Gob, realizing that this was the best time, got up. Tori stayed seated. “Hi,” Gob smiled at the crowd, “Hold your applause, for you’ll need it for what’s going to happen next. You see, I’ve been lying to you all; I’ve been lying to myself. I’m not really engaged—”
“I knew it!” Michael pointed at his brother, “I knew you were lying, Gob. Why on earth would you—”
Gob shook his head, putting his hand up, “Let me finish, Michael. I’m not really engaged… to a woman,” he pointed at Tori. Michael went wide-eyed, as did much of the room. Gob swallowed, “I’m engaged to a man. That’s right, a man . A man who fills me with piping hot hope, and wonder —” Gob pointed at Tori once more, this time with much more force.
Tori went up in a puff of smoke, and in that smoke appeared Tony Wonder. Tony had been hiding under the loveseat waiting for Gob to say “wonder.” When he did, Tony threw a smoke bomb, Tori rolled over the back of the sofa, and Tony took her place. Before the smoke had vanished, Tony, of course, shouted, “Did somebody say ‘wonder’?”
The room was dead silent. Nobody could find the words to reply to what they had just witnessed, or to accept Gob’s announcement. Eventually, Michael broke the silence with a simple, “Wow,” and a nod.
George Sr. got up, “I always thought Tobias was the pansy,” he mumbled, shaking his head, and exiting the room.
Gob frowned. Michael sighed, “Hey, George Michael, why don’t you hop up there and fix Banner?”
George Michael, though confused, hopped up on a chair with a Sharpie marker and crossed out part of the words, leaving it to say, “Gob Love man”.
As the realization settled in, Lucille spoke up, “You’re serious ? You’ve got to be kidding.”
“Mom, come on,” Michael waved her off. He patted Gob’s shoulder, “What I think she means- what we all mean is it’s just unexpected.”
Lucille got up, took her drink, and joined George Sr. in the other room. This left the siblings, Tony, George Michael, and Maeby.
Gob sighed, sitting next to Tony on the sofa.
“Listen, Gob,” Michael followed him, sitting on the coffee table in front of the two, “You’re my brother, you know? I’ll support you 100%. And, for the record,” he leaned in, whispering, “I’ve known since high school.”
Lindsay perked up, “Yeah, and you supported me when I married Tobias, so I think it’s only fair.”
Gob looked up from his hands, Tony placing a hand on his thigh. Gob smiled, “Thanks, guys. Really. I’ll try not to set anyone on fire at the wedding.”
“My hopes are not very high,” Michael patted Gob on the shoulder, then going to the kitchen.