Work Text:
Why… Why are you here?
Why…? Oh, gotcha. I killed Gojo Satoru.
"I killed Gojo Satoru."
August, 2007
Suguru bolts upright in a cold sweat.
"Again?" he mumbles to himself.
Before he can even begin to gather his surroundings, in his half-asleep state of mind he still remembers to check the clock on his bedside table for the time.
Oh, his brain remarks groggily, 4 .a.m.
It's another one of those nights where everything is a little too much for him. The summer air feels hot and sticky, lights brighter than necessary and sounds so loud they’re almost overpowering.
Is he sick from curse consumption? Is it the summer heat? Maybe just another bad day? As miserable as it sounds, he could very well say he's gotten pretty used to those. And in reality there's a more obvious answer to his question: fear.
The same fear that consumes Suguru day in and day out ever since he almost lost Satoru, on the same day he watched Riko get shot in cold blood right in front of him. He still isn't used to that fear. He doesn't want to get used to it.
The bigger truth is, Suguru is just… tired. He's so, so tired. And he's scared, but he could barely admit to that to himself, let alone to either of his friends.
Ever since Rikoㅡand then Haibara not too long after thatㅡhe's been having trouble keeping himself together. There wasn't a single second of the day where he didn't worry for Shoko and Satoru, not a single second of tranquility or even the faintest hint of certainty that what they were doing still felt like the purpose he used to think he could always hold onto to remind himself to keep going in times of doubt after those so-called inevitable losses, because they are part of their lives as much as he hates to admitㅡand refuses to accept.
But he couldn't bear the thought of losing another friend. So, of course, his mind just loved to taunt him by giving him the exact same nightmare every night for the past year.
Why… Why are you here?
I killed Gojo Satoru.
The disbelief, followed by disorientation, then desperation, and finally, emptiness that overtook him after hearing those words is something Suguru wishes he never has to experience again.
His subconscious clearly has other plans for him, though.
Suguru constantly thinks back to the emptiness he saw in Satoru's own eyes later that same day, as he held Riko's lifeless body in his arms. And he remembers the brief moment of hope flashing right before his eyes at the sight of Satoru once he got back.
Am I… dead too?
And for a moment he wished he was.
You're late, Suguru.
Shoko had fixed him up, so it couldn't be that he still had a concussion. Butㅡ
Satoru… You're Satoru… right?
They never really talked about what happened. Not in the way they should have, anyway. Suguru had taken Satoru to Shoko shortly after to make sure there were no more bad surprises, and it was only after he closed the door to his room on the way back that he realised Satoru had been in there with him the whole time, as if it was instinct. Suguru remembers guiding Satoru to his bathroom by the hand, washing the blood off his body with trembling hands, a hushedㅡyet so loudㅡsilence between them. With Satoru only moving when Suguru touched him. Not a word had been necessary during that moment.
Can you stay with me tonight?
Yeah. Yeah, I'll take the floor in your room.
Suguru. IㅡI need to feel that you're really here.
Suguru remembers the feeling of sleeping next to Satoru that night, how Suguru alternated between staring at his best friendㅡalive and breathingㅡand the polaroids all over his bedroom wall, pictures of the two of them and Shoko scattered everywhere. He remembers wondering if Satoru could hear the sound of his pulse rushing in his ears every time their hands brushed against one another, and how for that last time that their hands met under the covers, Satoru was the braver of the two and slowly intertwined their fingers, rubbing gentle circles with his thumbs over Suguru's knuckles. A quiet and much-needed reassurance.
And they never talked about that afterwards, either. Not necessarily pretending it didn't happenㅡbut also never really addressing it in no way whatsoever. While Satoru went on to take missions he could easily complete on his own, Suguru was left alone. Away from both Satoru and Shoko, who rarely joined them on dangerous missions anyway, and mostly stayed back to pick up their pieces in the aftermath.
Now, a year later, every night it's still the same dream, the same recurring nightmare: one where Satoru doesn't come back to him.
And it's slowly killing him along with everything else.
Suguru, did you lose weight? You okay?
I'm fine. It's just the summer stress.
It's just the summer stress. He repeats it to himself like his own personal mantra.
He can only hope Satoru believes him.
Suguru shifts uncomfortably on his bed, unable to go back to sleep—again.
He hasn't seen or heard from Satoru since they last saw each other in Shoko'sㅡnow permanent and officialㅡoffice for a checkup the day before when they came back to Jujutsu High at nearly the same time from separate missions. But it's been over twenty-four hours now. And that little voice in Suguru's head was begging him to do something about it.
So that's how he finds himself getting up from his bed and making his way to his door. No idea what excuse he'll come up with for knocking on Satoru's door this late once he gets there.
Before he can even reach the doorknob and leave, to his actual surprise, he hears knocking on his door.
He groans at the unpleasant surprise. "Who is it?"
He braces himself before opening the door, not at all expecting the pair of blue eyes and messy white hair awaiting him outside.
"Satoru," Suguru exhales, suddenly much more relaxed to see he was here, alive, contrary to what his mind would have him believe. "What're you doing here?"
But he gets no answer, only a blank stare.
"Satoru, hey," Suguru says again. "You're freaking me out, what happened?"
"No-Nothing! Sorry, zoned out for a second there. I just. I can't sleep."
Satoru looks disheveled, apologetic, even; his hair is in disarray and there’s a light blush to his cheeks. He's holding a pillow under his arm and it makes Suguru feel a nearly unbearable ache in his heart.
"You can't sleep?" He stares at the pillow Satoru is clutching in his arm.
"Yeah. Sorry, I thoughtㅡ" Satoru stutters, the blush on his cheeks becoming redder by the second. "Nevermind, see you tomorrow?"
Apparently that's all it takes for Suguru to get a grip and react, quickly holding Satoru's free arm to keep him in place.
"Stay. I can't sleep either."
Satoru's smile is almost painfully beautiful. "Okay. Yeah, I'd like that."
"You brought a pillow." Suguru can't help the smile spreading across his face as each second goes by with this view of his best friend. "Were you planning on having an actual sleepover?"
"Shut up. Asshole." Satoru pouts slightly as he hugs his pillow and sits on Suguru's bed, distinctly looking for a way to dismiss the topic before the blush on his face becomes even more prominent. Suguru feels that excruciating surge of affection burst through his soul again.
The air around them is suddenly quiet and raw, the two just breathing in each other's presence for a moment, no words needed as it often is the case for them.
Suguru moves to sit next to Satoru, his back to the wall and legs pulled close to his chest; he could feel the taller boy's eyes on him but made the executive decision to not stare back at Satoru, too afraid he'd break if he did.
"I really like these, by the way." Satoru speaks suddenly and Suguru finally looks up as delicate hands pull a white piece of cloth from inside his pillowcase. Somewhere in his ribcage he feels his heart doing that annoying thing inside him again at the sight, almost like it's trying to get out.
It's the bandage he had given Satoru a few months back.
Suguru watches as he slowly starts putting on the bandages to his eyes, Satoru flashes Suguru a toothy grin and thumbs up as he's finished, and it causes Suguru to experience a curious, overwhelming sinking feeling hitting the pit of his stomach.
Suguru was never really one to dwell on his feelings; he considered himself to be the kind of person who sees things as they are and accepts them. Most of the time, anyway, but definitely not the case recently. He knows he was meant to be a shaman, he knows protecting the weak is what he was born to do, and he knows he shouldn't ask for more from Satoruㅡat least not more than what he is willing to give him.
So he chooses to hurriedly change the topic and tone of conversation to something other than… whatever this is.
"So you can take advice," Suguru teases, with a nudge to Satoru's sides.
"From you?" Satoru tilts his head lightly, as if he's giving Suguru's poor attempt at teasing some actual thought, and replies without missing a beat, like the answer was obvious and his brief pause was merely for theatrics. "Yeah."
Suguru can't suppress the smile he gives him in return, and for the next few seconds he's so caught up in his own thoughts, he doesn't even notice the tears streaming down his face.
"Hey," Satoru's voice is suddenly higher with worry. "Hey, what's going on? Is it something I said?"
Suguru chuckles his way back to reality, softly, but there's nothing genuine behind the sound. "No. It's fine, I'm fine."
Suguru tries getting up from where he was sitting right next to Satoru, not wanting any proximity to him right now because Suguru knows he'll see right through himㅡregardless of bandages, with or without Six Eyesㅡand Suguru would give in. How could he not?
But it's pointless, because Satoru catches his right arm before he can even attempt to stand up. "Just come over here." And Suguru hates that he can tell those eyes look pleading underneath the bandages.
They both stay quiet for a short while, and Suguru can practically hear his own brain rattling inside his head, so much that he nearly misses how Satoru begs his next words, desperate to hear Suguru's voice again. "I'll listen to you. Okay? So pleaseㅡplease, just say something."
He moves closer once more, his hands coming up to cup Suguru's face to look him in the eyes. So, so gentle. "It's not just the summer stress." He takes another good look at Suguru's face, searching for anything he might have missed. "Is it?"
And then Suguru is sobbing into his hands, tears sliding down his face again embarrassingly fast and showing no signs of stopping.
Unsure of what to do, Satoru looks almost afraid, like he was calculating his next move thoroughly to avoid scaring Suguru away again. So Satoru only says nothing for the following minute and waits for Suguru's breathing to slow down and go back to normal; the hands he was previously holding Suguru's face with now rest soothingly in the back of his neck and stroking his hair.
"Ever since that day, with Riko andㅡ" Suguru takes a deep breath before he continues. "For who? Is what I've kept asking myself." He turns to face Satoru now, tears still rolling down his face. "What I saw then wasn't unusual at all, I was well aware of that ugliness. I already knew that, and I made the decision to be a shaman despite it. Butㅡ"
"Suguru…"
"The moment I thought that youㅡhe said he killed you, Satoru. I thought I'd lostㅡ" Another pause. "I really thought you were gone. And that was… For the first time, it felt like I'd died too."
Satoru only stares at him.
"And Riko… Kuroi… I should have been able to protect them. I should have been stronger. I promised Riko we would protect her future, and look at what happened. Instead I failed them, I failed you. I got you killed, Satoru."
"Hey, don't say that," Satoru interrupts him, bringing one hand to his thigh and squeezing it reassuringly. "I'm right here, aren't I?
"But you weren't. And for those few minutes I thought I'd lost you…" Suguru's voice falters as he blurts out his next words. "I wished I was dead too."
Satoru reaches out and repositions himself to cup the back of Suguru's neck, and he slowly closes his eyes and looks down as Satoru pulls him even closer, thumbs brushing gently against his face.
"Idiot. I wish you would've said all of this to me sooner, you know. But," he whispers, refusing to let Suguru look away from him this time, "I should've seen it sooner. I'm sorry I didn't."
"It's not your fault."
"It's not yours, either," he assures Suguru. "Promise me."
Suguru blinks, eyes finally almost dry, and now confused. "What?"
Satoru's grip tightens around Suguru's neck, preventing him from running away. "Promise me that from now on you'll always tell me if you're having a hard time." He sighs, pressing their foreheads together. "Promise me you won't spiral alone."
"Sharing really is caring with you, huh?" Suguru replies in an attempt to lighten the mood, and thankfully it works, because Satoru laughs genuinely for the first time since he entered his room.
He missed this, the beauty of their time together, how loud it got whenever they were together. It was the only time he appreciated the noise. It made Suguru feel invincible.
"Okay. But you gotta promise me the same thing."
"I thought that was implied?" Satoru smiles at him and raises an eyebrow, and Suguru's heart fully blooms inside his chest.
Satoru kisses both of his cheeks once, twice, then moves to his forehead, kisses right in between Suguru's eyes, his eyelids, and just above his nose, every inch of Geto Suguru his lips can reach.
"Listen, Iㅡ" Suguru's voice is almost imperceptible, he suddenly feels breathless and has a hard time forming the words at the same time as his mind registers that maybe his heart is beating a little too fast, and his hands shaking a little too much.
Luckily for him, once again there's enough bravery in Satoru for the two of them. His hands never leave the back of Suguru's head; he only pulls them closer together, close enough that Suguru can hear Satoru's heartbeat in unison with his own.
And then Suguru suddenly experiences a burst of courage himself as he lifts his arms to cup Satoru's face, slowly moving his hands behind Satoru's head to pull his bandages down, slowly, gently. Desperate for visual contact.
While those eyes as clear as a blue sky stare at him, Suguru feels one hand coming up to his hair to untie his bun, and another coming around hips, pulling him impossibly closer, and the noise that comes out of his mouth would be embarrassing if only he had the time to obsess over it, because in the next second Satoru is closing the remaining gap that was left between them and freeing Suguru of any unpleasant thoughts.
Suguru's breath hitches when Satoru tries deepening the kiss by tilting his head to gain better access and leaning in closer towards him, chasing Suguru's lips with his own.
Just like every other part of them, their lips fit perfectly together, their noses align just right, hands in all the right places with the same urgency. Suguru hesitates for a second, but he also assumes this is the first time for both of them so he tells himself he probably shouldn't worry too much about technique and… experience. Especially not when Satoru keeps coming back for more, so that has to be a good sign.
Satoru's knees move to straddle the other boy's lap, inching closer to kiss him harder, like he's making up for months of his own secret loneliness and silent anguish by drinking in every bit of Geto Suguru he possibly can now that he's allowed. The latter backs away slightly to pepper his neck with soft, gentle kisses, and Satoru gives him a low groan in return. When their lips crash together again, Satoru deliberately brushes his tongue against the seam of Suguru's mouth and Suguru nips at Satoru's lower lip in return. Like he's challenging him, even at this.
"Satoru," Suguru mutters, and now he has a little trouble breathing. He wants to say something, anything, to make sure this is really happening, afraid he might open his eyes and this will just be the first good dream his subconscious has given him in over a year.
The boy in his lap seems to understand him better than he understands himself, and before Suguru has a chance to ensure this moment is everlasting, Satoru whispers against his lips. "I know."
What else is there to say, when the way Suguru says Satoru's name alone already sounds like a declaration of love in itself?
"I do, too, you know." Satoru now pulls away completely, giving Suguru an opportunity to collect his thoughts and be able to look Satoru in his eyes properly. Despite the infinitesimal distance, Suguru can still feel the tingling brush of Satoru's lips against his own all the way to his soul, and he smiles.
Suguru thinks, for the first time in a very long time, that maybe they're going to be okay, and manage whatever else the universe has in store for them. Maybe they get to have their chance at forever, and maybe, just maybe, Suguru's heart is going to be okay.
He'd already given it to Satoru, after all. What's the worst that could happen?