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The first few hours of Lan Zhan"s day pass by without much fuss. Having left his house at five o"clock this morning, he naively thinks that the day will pass quietly and that he"ll be able to get home at a reasonable hour this evening. A trauma surgeon in a large emergency department, he has already done some suturing due to falls, seen two people in an advanced state of drunkenness and is waiting for the ambulances to arrive without any further explanation. Today, he runs the department and knows that his team is operational and competent. Respected by the medical staff, although he appears cold and distant, deaf to gossip and very discreet about his private life, he is much appreciated by his patients. Dressed and accompanied by a resident, Dr Lewis, he waited a few minutes before seeing a vehicle. Two firemen came out the back, with a teenager covered in blood and bruises on the stretcher. He was given some information as they made their way inside.
- Ethan Williams, aged 17, conscious at the scene and stable on the way, with a broken left leg and a very sore chest. He is badly injured.
- Please don"t tell my parents, Ethan moaned painfully.
- Trauma 2, Lan Zhan said to his resident as he and the stretcher made their way into the room. Do you know what happened ? Has his family been informed ?
- He threw himself off a bridge.
It took all his surgical skill not to turn pale at this revelation: at 17, you shouldn"t want to die. The man at his side told him that they had been unable to contact his family at the scene and that the young man had not explained what he had done, remaining silent to the rescue workers" questions. Lan Zhan thanked him and went back into the trauma room, where an orthopaedic surgeon was already checking the damage around the leg and his resident was examining the chest. He positions himself to the left of the teenager, where he is sure to be seen.
- Ethan, I"m Dr Lan, we"re going to take care of you.
- You can"t call my parents...
- Ethan, your parents aren"t my priority right now, he admits. Does anything hurt ? Do you feel anything uncomfortable?
- I don"t know. Should I ? Should I ? asks Ethan, unsure.
- We"ve given you some painkillers but I"d like to know if the dose is enough.
- I"m, I"m cold.
- Your adrenaline"s going, that"s normal.
- Haemothorax on the right, which needs to be drained, says Dr Lewis, already preparing to place a chest tube.
The teenager begins to fidget. His eyes darting frantically from right to left, his breathing becoming shallow and too rapid, and his hands begin to tremble. Tears were also streaming down his temples, ending up in his long hair. As the other doctors in the room bustled around them, Lan Zhan rolled a stool next to him to sit down, grabbed his hand and squeezed it.
- You"ll be fine, we"ll look after you.
- Let me go, Ethan whispers.
- I can"t do that.
- Please... don"t tell my parents.
- Ethan, you"ve jumped off a bridge. You need help, says Lan Zhan, looking at him sympathetically.
- It was the only solution. If I"d just left, they would have found me...
- What are you so afraid of?
- I can"t tell you... you"ll say horrible things to me and help my parents take me to that place, gasps the teenager.
Lan Zhan took the time to look at the teenager in more detail. There are several more or less deep cuts on his face at the top of his forehead, his temple and his right cheekbone, as well as his lower lip. The clothes he was wearing earlier in the day have been cut up on the spot and removed, and bruises and various cuts are also visible on his torso. His trousers are half in place, one of his legs having also been cut away to gain access to the fractures. Looking down at his legs, he easily notices the black socks. If it hadn"t been for the cut-off trouser leg, Lan Zhan would never have noticed the rainbow piping on the top - discreet but very much there. Further into his field of vision, Ethan"s school bag had been found and placed in the room. He could also see a small pin in the familiar colours. He looked again at the young man who seemed so small in this bed, surrounded by so many strangers. He hesitated for a few seconds before finally deciding what to do.
- All right, then, I want you to feel safe here, because nothing bad can happen to you.
- You don"t know-
- I"m going to tell you something about myself. Ethan looks at him worriedly before nodding. I grew up asking myself a lot of questions about myself and my relationship with others. It wasn"t easy. My friends didn"t really help me and I couldn"t talk to my family about it. I was afraid of what they would say and that they would hate me. At school, I met a boy who answered all my questions.
- What did he do ?
Lan Zhan can feel the eyes of everyone in the room on him. He"s not known in the hospital for being a very talkative surgeon, sharing his private life and sparking conversations. He often just ignores them, listening only when it"s about real work information and not just department gossip.
- He helped me to understand myself, to know who I was. When others despised me, he loved me like no one had ever loved me before, with all the love I needed and never had before. Now, fifteen years later, I"m married to this stubborn, adventurous boy. I"m very happy to have him on my arm and to introduce him as my husband at every opportunity. Lan Zhan knows that his little speech is not just a surprise for Ethan, who looks at him with a mixture of astonishment and hope. He tries not to think about it and asks the teenager a question. Do you want to tell me something about yourself ?
- I-, he begins, his voice trembling, I haven"t found the boy who can love me the way I deserve. But then I met this friend. He-, he helped me understand that... I-, Ethan murmurs before stopping and swallowing hard.
- That you prefer boys, breathes Lan Zhan.
The young man took a deep breath that seemed painful, nodding slightly as a tear escaped from his left eye. Lan Zhan doesn"t recognise himself; he"s not in the habit of confiding in and being so close to his patients. But Ethan"s distress is particularly touching. He tightened his grip on his hand
and smiled slightly, encouraging him to continue.
- My parents, they, they don"t understand, he confesses as more tears stream down his face. They don"t like it when people from my class insult me with words like that, he says, knowing that the man in front of him knows what he"s talking about.
- Just these? suddenly asks the resident, who steps back sheepishly after intercepting Lan Zhan"s icy gaze.
- Every insult is difficult for them but those words... they get really angry. They want to send me to a camp. They say they have therapies that can make me normal, that people come out without impure thoughts... he admits, crying, frightened.
At the mention of the camp, Lan Zhan"s body froze. He knows that these camps, often run by religious people, claim to practise conversion therapy to make people questioning their sexual and/or gender identity "normal" again, curing them of what they consider to be illnesses. You only need to take a closer look at these camps to know that the people who go there are subjected to humiliating interviews, psychological abuse designed to induce an unconscious negative response to any behaviour deemed inappropriate, spiritual and religious practices such as abstinence or celibacy, and sometimes pharmacological treatment based on drugs, hormones or steroids. The damage done to the physical and psychological health of people who come out of this situation is dramatic and longlasting. Without appropriate care, it is difficult, if not sometimes impossible, for these survivors to resume a fulfilling love and sex life.
- These places don"t work, replies Lan Zhan, keeping his voice steady.
- They pick people up in the middle of the night, take them to a remote area and change them.
- No one can change you, and you have no impure thoughts either.
- It"s hard to believe you. My mother says she won"t let me be a monster. She thinks there"s someone sick at my school who"s infected me. She wants to organise a witch-hunt, to find the culprit when it"s just me, he says, still crying his eyes out.
Lan Zhan fights hard against his protective paternal instinct to put his hand on his young patient"s head and stroke his hair to reassure him, just as he does with his own child. He"s angry at Ethan"s parents for saying such horrible things to him and wanting to send him to a terrible place to save his soul, under the guise of healing and making life easier when you"re "normal".
- You"re not a monster and you"re not sick either. There"s nothing to cure about your sexual orientation. What you may feel about the boys around you is perfectly healthy and normal.
- How did you manage ? To keep going in spite of everything...
- At the beginning, when I was asking myself a lot of questions, it was difficult. I was alone with my questions and they took up a lot of space in my head. I met my future husband at the right time. He was out in the open and didn"t care about gossip. I kept putting him off.
- You rejected him ! Ethan says indignantly, suddenly completely focused on the story Lan Zhan is telling him, putting aside the chest tube and his broken leg.
- Yes, laughs Lan Zhan. He was everything I hated : incredibly handsome, loud, intelligent, openly bisexual and overly cheerful. Of course, he wouldn"t let me. He became a friend and I ended up asking him a whole bunch of questions about his sexuality. He always answered and reassured me. I was getting better and I didn"t need my family"s advice, I knew who I was and what I wanted for myself.
- Has he taken the first step ?
- It"s an embarrassing event that I won"t mention.
Ethan laughed lightly and nodded briefly to Lan Zhan, silently thanking him. The resident and the orthopaedic surgeon announce that he will have to be taken into surgery and that his parents have been contacted. Lan Zhan tells him that if he does not wish to see them before the operation, he can be taken directly to the reserved area.
- Are you going to operate on me? he asks Lan Zhan.
- Yes. The three of us will take care of you.
- Okay. I want to go now.
- Good, he agrees, rising from the stool and easing the pressure on his hand. A small team will come to take you to the ward and help you get ready. You can ask them any questions that come to mind and I"ll come and see you before I go. Is that OK ?
- Agreed, nods Ethan.
Lan Zhan gave her a slight smile before letting go of her hand and leaving the room, going into other rooms and between several curtains to make sure that no-one needed supervision and that the Emergency Department was working properly.
An hour later, after a short break and two consultations, he went to the nursing office to fill in a few files and check those of his residents. He hears a few words about himself before those concerned see him arrive and disappear in a flash. Only Dr Ross, the orthopaedic surgeon with whom he will be operating on Ethan, remains. There"s a reasonable distance between them, but Lan Zhan senses that the man has something to tell him. So he stays, waiting patiently for him to broach the subject of his earlier conversation, hoping not to react too strongly to any irritating comments.
- Dr Lan.
- Dr Ross, replied Lan Zhan, keeping her head in her file.
- I didn"t know you were married.
- You didn"t ask.
- Nobody knew.
- Nobody ever asked me.
- How could we ? You"re not very chatty. Lan Zhan looked up at his interlocutor, his face cold.
- I prefer to keep my professional and private lives separate.
- You have a husband.
- Is that a problem ? he asks, promising himself to defend his family if he doesn"t like the answer. Maybe he"ll have to use the menacing air his husband loves so much to protect them.
- No, no, of course not. It"s just that, you don"t really look d-.
- Don"t finish that sentence, cuts in Lan Zhan.
- I"m so sorry.
- Mn.
- I think the whole department knows that by now.
- Are you the one I have to thank for this ?
- No. I mean, I didn"t say anything at first, but I didn"t lie when I was asked...
- You haven"t.
- Are you going to talk to us about your husband ?
- No. You already know too much.
Putting his file back behind the desk and tucking his pen into his coat pocket, he left the nurses" station, leaving Dr Ross behind. He let the lunch break pass, forcing himself to swallow his meal, and headed for the doors leading to the patients waiting to be operated on. He finds Ethan, now dressed in a hospital gown with a hairnet around his head.
- Everything all right, Ethan ?
- It"s fine, replied the teenager in a small voice.
- Do you have any questions about the operation ?
- No, I"ve already annoyed Dr Lewis a lot.
- You don"t bother him, that"s what he was there for.
- Have my parents arrived yet?
- They"re in the waiting room. We"ve told them that you"re going to be operated on and that you can"t have visitors for the time being.
- Are they angry ? asks Ethan worriedly.
- I didn"t speak to them, but they seemed concerned about your condition.
- Above all, they can"t wait to get rid of me.
- Don"t say that.
- Yes, it"s true. I have to leave tomorrow...
- You won"t be out of here by tomorrow. You"ll need time to recover.
- If you think that"s going to stop them...
- You told me you hid it from your parents for a long time. How did they find out ? Lan Zhan asked for more information.
- I knew they wouldn"t react well, so I didn"t say anything. I often spoke to Noah. He was the one who helped me understand... I met him in my French class. In fact, I"ve been thinking about it. Your husband looks a bit like him.
- Is that so ?
- He"s self-confident, doesn"t care how other people look at him, talks loudly and doesn"t concentrate very well in class. But he"s my best friend and I wouldn"t swap him for the world.
- He seems like a good person.
- He is. We text each other in the evenings and spend our days together. My parents don"t really like that, they don"t appreciate it. When I argue with them, he"s always there to try and cheer me up. The other evening, when I got home, they were both with my mobile. When they looked at me, I knew they knew... he pauses for a moment before struggling on. They told me they were sorry, that they should have seen and acted before, but that they were going to help me now. I didn"t understand at the time. I know them, they"re not supposed to want to help me. It was my father who told me about the camp later. When I said I wasn"t going, that they had no right to do that, my mother just slapped me. She"d never hit me before...
Lan Zhan doesn"t know what to say to the teenager. His obvious distress makes him want to scream at his parents and protect the boy. He squeezes his hand again, as he had done earlier in the day, before telling him that he will go and see them to inform them of the procedure and that he will meet him in the operating theatre.
Accompanied by Dr Ross, he made his way to the waiting room of the ward to which the young man"s parents had been redirected. Lan Zhan could see them from a distance. Influenced by his young patient and his readings, he tells himself that they are just the sort of parents to put their child in a camp as soon as he leaves the path they have mapped out for him. These parents quickly notice them and stand up as they walk towards them. It"s Dr Ross who starts talking to them, while Lan Zhan stands back and finds it hard to look at them with a professional air.
- Mr. and Mrs. Williams, I"m Dr. Ross and this is Dr. Lan. We are your son"s surgeons.
- Is he all right? asks the worried father.
- When can he go out ? asks the mother, annoyed.
- Ethan is suffering from a number of serious injuries, and we"re going to have to take him into surgery. We can"t give you any indication of a release date at the moment.
- What"s wrong with it ?
- We need a date, and the sooner the better. Ethan has obligations.
- Mrs Williams, intervened Lan Zhan in an icy voice, your son tried to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. He has multiple fractures in his left leg, which Dr Ross will be treating in the operating theatre. We also have to open his abdomen to find the source of the internal bleeding and make a full assessment of several organs. He also had blood in his lungs when he arrived, so we put in a chest tube.
- Can we see him ? insisted the father, on the verge of tears.
- He should already be on his way to the operating theatre. You"ll be able to catch up with him when he comes out of recovery in a few hours.
- If it"s only a fracture, you shouldn"t have to keep him for so long, the woman in front of him complains.
Lan Zhan stares at her, speechless and furious, as her husband speaks to her and his fellow surgeon explains in detail the extent of their son"s injuries. It"s not just one fracture, but several, and he"s going to have to treat them. He stresses the danger of internal bleeding, the importance of taking the time to treat all the wounds and of letting Ethan rest afterwards. Lan Zhan watches the two adults in front of him with hidden horror. The woman was agitated and didn"t care about her son"s injuries or his care. She"s only interested in getting her son out and complaining to Dr Ross. She needs to talk to him too, but he can"t hear her. He concentrates on the father, who is far more worried than his wife. He asks about the injuries, the surgical procedures, the post-operative period. He asked if his son was in pain. He is told that physically, the medication is doing its job, but that the team is worried about his mental health. Lan Zhan sees the father"s eyes change and decides to speak to him.
- You won"t help Ethan by sending him to a camp. You don"t understand and you want to reach out to him, but those places are terrible. He hears the woman speak louder and his colleague call his name. These monsters will change your son and destroy him. They will never give him the support he needs.
- Enough ! shouts Ethan"s mother.
- Ethan would rather die than go, isn"t that enough for you ? asks Lan Zhan, still talking to the man, completely lost. He"s right to be scared, he won"t recover but will be traumatised and will never forget the abuse his torturers inflicted on him.
- Our son will go where we tell him to go and he will be treated very well there, says the mother.
- Your son, Lan Zhan insists, is not ill.
- Your depraved beliefs are none of our business. You"re here to cure him and if you can"t I"ll get rid of you.
Seemingly aware of his wife"s threats towards her son"s surgeon, her husband asks her to keep quiet. After one last look, Lan Zhan turned and left, heading for the operating theatre. On the way, he takes out his phone, looks for a particular contact and calls him.
A few hours later, when Ethan was in recovery and about to leave, he went to the room allocated to the boy and found himself alone with his father. He walks into the room and the man in front of
him stands up when he notices him.
- Ethan is in recovery, everything went well. He"ll be taken down to his room very soon.
- Will he be all right ?
- Physically, with rest, he will recover.
With a slight, polite nod, Lan Zhan turned and headed for the exit.
- Dr Lan ! Ethan"s father calls out to him.
- Yes ? he said, turning a quarter turn as the man came up beside him.
- You think we"re terrible parents, don"t you?" asks the man, hesitating.
- My degree prevents me from thinking such a thing.
- You have a very strong opinion...
- I know what happens in the places you want to take your son. No one deserves to be abused like that.
- That"s not what they say...
- Mr Williams, the people who run these places have only one aim: to treat people they deem deviant, even though they are not suffering from any illness, and any means are good enough to achieve this.
- It was my wife who suggested this solution... She"s distraught.
- I"m not judging your beliefs, but Ethan is fine, he"s not ill. He"ll find someone who loves him and he"ll be as happy as you want him to be.
- I didn"t think he"d react like that...
- His parents wanted to deprive him of his identity. He saw no other solution.
- You ! they hear behind them in the distance.
Lan Zhan turns his head and sees Ethan"s mother, furious, coming towards him, accompanied by an older man with a strict attitude.
- Mandy-
- You called social services !
- So I did.
- You have no rights !
- Sending your son to a place that practices talk therapy is abuse. I have every right.
- Our refuge does not practise these therapies, explains the elderly man. We-
- Shut up ! shouts the father, to everyone"s surprise.
- Dan, you-
- No, that"s enough. Ethan"s not going anywhere.
- I...
- I don"t care what you want ! We almost lost our son and all you can think about is sending him to a place he tried to avoid by jumping off a bridge ! I don"t care if Ethan is gay. I want him to be happy.
- We took this decision together, the woman insists.
- No, you decided and I let you, but it"s over. If you go on with this, I"m leaving with him and you"ll never see us again.
***
An hour later, the front door of his house slams shut behind him. He exhales, relaxing and leaning against it for a few minutes. He knew his behaviour was suspicious and it wasn"t long before one of the two people who shared his life arrived, concern written all over his face.
- Bàba, is everything all right ?
Lan Zhan watched his son move closer to him and, as he reminisced about his day, stretched out his arms to hug him. At first tense, the young teenager lets himself go against him and wraps his arms around his waist. A few seconds pass before he asks the question again.
- I"m fine, A-Yuan.
- Are you sure ?
- Sure.
- Why wasn"t I invited to the cuddle?" intervened another male voice.
Lan Zhan felt an arm press against his back and another rest on top of his own behind A-Yuan"s back. He felt himself pressed against a warm body and naturally leaned his head against his husband"s temple, closing his eyes. This moment of family affection lasts several seconds before everyone releases their embrace. A-Yuan smiles at his parents and retires to his bedroom, wishing them goodnight and leaving them alone.
- You should eat something, you look a bit shaky.
- I"m fine.
- Not to me, Lan Zhan. I know you.
- It"s been a trying day. We looked after a teenager who had jumped off a bridge.
- Oh... Did he-
- He"s fine, Lan Zhan cut him off, we"ve looked after him.
- OK, great.
Her husband smiles at her and pulls him by the hand into the kitchen, where he fills two cups of hot tea, gives one to the surgeon and leads them back to the sofa.
- You don"t have to tell me, he says, sitting down cross-legged, but if you want to, you can.
- It could have been worse, breathes Lan Zhan as he sits down opposite the man on the sofa. He"s an adolescent lost to himself and his desires, with parents who don"t support him.
- His desires ?
- He is gay. His parents wanted to send him to a conversion therapy camp.
- Oh no...
- He jumped because it was easier for him to die than to go to one of those places.
- Poor kid... it"s hard to imagine. Have you spoken to him ?
- So I did. There were other people in the room but... I was thinking of A-Yuan and I couldn"t stop myself from telling him about me, and about you.
- From me ?
- Mn. He didn"t want to talk but I saw all these little signs with the flag, so I told him he was safe with me. I told him about the cheeky kid I met at school and married a few years later. I guess the whole hospital knows now.
- I know you wanted to help, says her husband, placing a hand tenderly on her thigh, but how do you feel about your colleagues who know?
- I"m not ashamed of you, Lan Zhan says hastily.
- I know you did. But you wanted to keep your private life away from work.
- I don"t think the others will ask me too direct questions.
- They"ll get you with trivial domestic questions and once you start talking about your beautiful family, you won"t be able to stop, laughed the man, kissing her quickly on the lips.
- Mn. Maybe I"ll keep them in the dark for a while. I haven"t mentioned our son.
- Cruel, our son is perfect.
- That"s true.
The two cups are now empty and on the way to the kitchen and then the bedroom, Lan Zhan is asked about the teenager"s future.
- What have you done about the camp ? Is there anything you can do ?
- I spoke to the family and called social services. These places are making more and more noise and the institutions are very careful about this sort of thing.
- Did they intervene ?
- No, they didn"t have time. I"d also spoken separately to the father, who was more worried about his son"s state of health than about getting him there quickly. He threatened to leave with him if his wife continued to want to put him there.
- So, does everything have a happy ending ?
- Yes, everything"s fine.
- Are you going to see him again ?
- He was still asleep when I left, but I"ll see him tomorrow.
Now in the bedroom, the two men lie face to face in bed, their bodies entwined. Lan Zhan begins to kiss his partner, slow, gentle kisses that quickly become fuller. He pulls him on top of him and caresses every inch of skin under his hands. In need, he puts all his desire into these gestures, making his husband moan and gasp above him.
- Oh Lan Zhan, I love you so much, he sighs.
- Show me Wei Ying, breathes Lan Zhan, show me how you love me.