Chapter Text
“Are you sure about this?”
Jeongin blinks rapidly. He is nervous. He doesn’t really know how to feel about this, to be honest.
“Yeah, I am” he swallows that dryness in his throat, “I wanna do this with you”
Seungmin hums and shifts a little on the mattress. He doesn’t know either where to start, or how to make it as comfortable as possible for Jeongin.
“Would you feel uncomfortable if I straddled you?” Seungmin asks, sitting on his knees now next to Jeongin’s thighs, whose back is leaned against the headboard.
“I don’t know…I mean, how else are you gonna- you know.” Seungmin blinks a few times before getting it. He exhales, “Right”
He motions Jeongin to come closer. “Can you sit up?” The whole thing feels special but somehow weird. But that is the good part of their relationship, and in the end, he is glad to just be in it with Jeongin.
Jeongin ogles at him with big, soft eyes. Seungmin wishes he could tell him in 100 more ways not to worry.
“Baby” Seungmin starts, takes Jeongin’s hands in his. The younger is wearing an oversized shirt, which makes him look even more cuddly. “I’m gonna start by just kissing you okay? Then we’re just gonna continue, go with the vibe. You can always tell me everything at any time what to do, where to stop, okay?”
Jeongin nods. Good.
“Have you heard of the colour system?” Jeongin nods again.
“Alright. Let’s use that one, okay?”
Jeongin hums accordingly. Seungmin tells him to relax, and massages his knuckles warmly. Jeongin smiles.
Jeongin himself doesn’t know why he thinks of this as a big thing, why he makes Seungmin think it’s scary for him. Well he is, but it shouldn’t be, it’s just sex.
Seungmin is still holding his hands as he pecks him gently at the corner of his mouth. Then, his lips wander to his cheek and neck. At some point he closes his eyes, and it helps him a little. Seungmin presses slow and light kisses, takes his time in savouring the skin of the younger. He tells him to lay down and asks if he is comfortable. Seungmin has a knee in between Jeongin’s thighs, and intervenes their hands while tasting the conjuncture between Jeongin’s shoulder and neck.
They are both still dressed in normal clothes, but Seungmin starts to touch Jeongin more. The younger feels every brush, every intention of the elder. His brows furrow as Seungmin tugs against the hem of the jeans, only to trace his thumb over his hipbone. Jeongin relaxes again.
They both continue and Jeongin of course enjoys the whole thing. But that’s also how much they have done together and where Jeongin had drawn the line in the past.
Seungmin is now only in his sweats and tank top, Jeongin just in his jeans. The elder is starting to hum sounds whenever Jeongin sucks a little too much against his chest, or when his hand traces at the curve of his arse. He thinks its endearing to see Seungmin so responsive with him.
It escalates quickly for their liking, to which both boys are found grasping at each other. Seungmin’s chest is flushed a deep red while he licks strands along Jeongin’s nipples. Jeongin grinds himself against the elder’s hardness, while gasps escape his mouth.
“Innie”, he breathes, bucking his hips against the younger’s crotch. Jeongin keens as he holds him tightly around his neck. It feels good, he isn’t worried.
He doesn’t acknowledge zoning out. It’s as if he has gone on autopilot for a few moments, which changes the whole situation. Suddenly, Jeongin comes back to himself and stares blankly at a naked Seungmin caging him.
It feels like he missed something or skipped a part of a movie. Jeongin isn’t mentally ready for this part, especially as he sees himself with no clothes on.
His mind immediately cuts circuits, everything gets too loud. Suddenly, every movement is too much, every touch feels like danger. Seungmin is too close; Jeongin too naked.
“Innie?” he hears the elder call, but his voice sounds far away. Jeongin is tensed, fists tight against the bed sheets. Bad memories of the past flash in, he feels like air is getting pushed out of his lungs. He can’t do this, he can’t breathe-
“Fuck fuck fuck red, red red red red I can't, I can't I can't I can't I can't I'm so sorry Hyung I'm sorry I can't do this I-"
"It's okay it's okay," Seungmin quickly removes himself from Jeongin, takes off the condom and puts his shirt back on him. He goes to get his clothes on the floor and dresses quickly. "It's okay honey, it's okay."
"I'm so sorry," he croaks between sobs as he embraces himself with his forearms. Tears run down his cheeks but he can’t even manage to cover his façade with his hands. He feels frozen, and it hurts.
He failed again, he cannot believe it.
“Baby can I touch you?” he hears his boyfriend ask, and that makes him catch a glance at the elder. He nods shyly and swallows as Seungmin’s comforting arms wrap around his figure.
“Baby, you’re all right. It’s okay. You’re safe” he reminds, not too loud. Jeongin shivers in his holds and repeats his words in a whisper tone.
“That’s right, love” Seungmin wipes the tears on his cheeks and gently cups his cheeks. Jeongin seems to be still far away, somewhere. “Baby, you’re here with me?”
Finally, Jeongin locks eyes with him. He isn’t crying anymore, his lip just quivers slightly. “Let’s lay down alright? Do you want water?”
After Seungmin helped Jeongin to dress himself into his pyjamas and drinks something, they find each other again under the covers. Seungmin caresses and untangles Jeongin’s hair, while the younger simply lays his head on Seungmin’s chest.
“I’m sorry” he whispers suddenly. “I thought it was going to work this time.”
Seungmin doesn’t answer right away, and for a moment, Jeongin thinks he is disappointed. Then he feels Seungmin pressing a kiss against his hair.
It pains Seungmin to see the younger reach this state in such an intimate experience. It pains him to realize how badly hurt he must have gotten to react in such a way. Seungmin of course doesn’t take it personally, would do anything to remove all the bad experiences.
“Baby, don’t feel guilty. It doesn’t have to work. We can try again someday, but we don’t even need to”
“But you-“ Jeongin raises his head to catch a look of him, “but you were so into it and – enjoying it. I just freaked out suddenly. There was no reason-“
“There doesn’t have to be” Seungmin interrupts, voice stern. “We can try again in the future, but it doesn’t have to be tomorrow or in a few months. Take your time love. And if sex isn’t our thing, that’s okay too. Sex doesn’t define our relationship and never will.”
By the time Seungmin finishes speaking, Jeongin is sobbing in his hands. He is grateful to have such an understanding boyfriend, but guilt is still there. At this point, he truly believes he will never reach over his comfort zone.
“Oh Innie” Seungmin whispers, and takes the younger in his arms. Jeongin sniffles a little in the crook of his neck, but is quick to calm down by Seungmin’s soft pats on his back.
Seungmin smells like coconut, especially his hair. Jeongin likes that, because he doesn’t associate any past nightmares with coconut. Seungmin also resembles a puppy, sunshine and the colour brown. Whenever Jeongin has a vulnerable moment, he reminds himself of these simple details.
Seungmin means safe; he is his safe place.
“I love you” Jeongin croaks, and lifts his head to look up at him. Seungmin is already glancing down at him, with that beautiful smile he has.
“I love you too” he responds and presses a peck against Jeongin’s nose. It’s almost like, Seungmin makes him forget all the bad memories.