Archive of Our Own ^beta

She's not exactly ignoring him; she can't after all since she is nothing if not professional, and they do have a ship to run together. No, instead, she's back to the ever-professional Number One with him, the persona she presents to everyone new, and not even showing the occasional crack she shows for the senior staff and those that see her day in and out.

He hadn't realised how much he had taken her sly sarcasm, barely there smiles and soft eyes for a given with him until she's stopped sharing them. Instead, they're back to when they first served together when he didn't have a clue about her but they made a good team on the bridge.

He hates it.

He knows he should say something, do something, to put her at ease and try to salvage their friendship, but his head is still barely making sense of his own feelings after the Talosians went rummaging around. He doesn't know what he could possibly say and so he lets her have her space.

They make it into Starbase 11, and he finally admits Phil may have been right about still needing some leave. He's managed to get past the exhaustion and weariness that plagued him after the Rigel incident, content again in his life choices as a Starfleet captain, but it's been replaced by confusion and anger. Anger mostly at the Talosians but also her and himself, and he doesn't know how much longer he can bury it without becoming toxic.

He pushes it aside long enough to get everything squared away: supplies, leave, medical and engineering repairs, and leaves the Enterprise in her capable hands. He feels a twist of guilt as he leaves her behind in the transporter room, but he reminds himself that she'll have the chance in a day or so's time.

The area he's chosen is similar enough to Mojave that it feels comforting but different enough not to make him homesick or remind him of illusions. He doesn't think much as he sets up camp, too busy falling into routines he doesn't get the chance to use much in space. Soon enough though his bedroll is unfurled, the portable heater is warming him nicely, and he has nothing else to do but lie back and look at the unfamiliar skies. He tries to figure out the constellations and translate them into the stars he knows just not from this perspective.

It's a while before he stops avoiding the matter and lets his thoughts wander back to Talos IV. He can feel himself tense, but continuing to avoid the issue will only make it worse.

It's easiest first to think of Vina.

With the passage of time and the pressure of the situation behind him, he realises he's not entirely sure he actually knew her. How much of what he saw was the real Vina? Either as she was or how she wanted to be seen? Or even how she thought she would have been if she hadn't crashed on Talos IV? He knows some at least was influenced by what the Talosians wanted him to see. And possibly by what the Talosians told her he wanted.

He forces himself to take a deep breath. He could go round in circles thinking like this. Another deep breath, and the memory of her small flashes of anger and bursts of determination rise to the surface. He thinks that he did at least see a little of her real self. Maybe with more time, or if she had come with them, he would know more. Another deep breath, and it dawns on him that even if most of what he saw was her trying to entice him to stay, he doesn't really blame her, not with how long he knows she was alone with them.

He wishes he had pushed more for her to leave with them now. Maybe now the Talosians understand human behaviour a little better, living with them will be more bearable for her.

He still wonders how much she adapted to them just to survive though. He knows there is a branch of psychology dedicated to understanding captivity and the effect it has on those involved. How much of her decision to stay was a free choice, even free choice born out of fear of the wide universe and her health, and how much of it was because there was some sort of co-dependency or twisted relationship?

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

He winces as his whole body tenses, and it's only long years of practise of creating a relaxed form in front of the crew that allows him to ease his body. His mind is another matter altogether as he can't help but feel like he failed Vina.

Logically he knows he can't save everyone, but this especially feels like a failure, like one of those stories where the horror slowly creeps up on you and the rising awareness makes it all the more horrific.

He could have forced her to come with them, but would that make him any better, making the choice for her? He closes his eyes because the situation is exactly why the term clusterfuck was created. Or as his father would say, damned if you do, damned if you don't.

He opens his eyes and stares at the stars for a while. The decision is going to haunt his thoughts for a while, all the worse because he's not sure he could do anything any better. He can only hope her life is better than before now the Talosians have more examples of human behaviour and are supposedly stopping trying to create a new race from her.

The stars start to blend together as his eyes lose focus for staring so long. It's actually somewhat reassuring, normal in a way he's not entirely sure the Talosians can replicate given how perfect their every illusion was.

Perfect on the surface at least, easy to get lost in, but the immersive ones were lacking something when he had a chance to actually think.

The realisation eases a little of the lingering nagging sensation that he's not really free, but then again, they could have pulled imperfection that from memories of countless nights spent under the stars. He forces himself to take a deep breath and blink because following that train of thought will only lead to madness.

He slowly blows the breath out and reminds himself that the Talosians had to keep them occupied to stop them stripping back the veneer of illusion. The more he thinks, the more it makes sense. Any time they got close to questioning one of the immersive illusions, the Talosians tried to distract them in some way.

He can still remember feeling the pain and searing heat of the flames driving all thoughts from his head, feeling the sun on his skin and Tango’s coat beneath his fingers lulling him into feeling like he was back home on Earth. It all felt so real, but nobody has to be telepathic to realise burning alive is a fear or that he loves horse and home.

No, their lack of understanding shows in the surface wants they provided. He may have entertained the briefest thought of jacking it all in and leaving to go a million places when he's at his lowest, but he'd never in a million years go into the kind of sleazy trading the Talosians imagined for him. And as much as he loves home and his horses, there is always a part of him that itches to get back out after a while.

Could they not go deeper, or did they not realise they could? That surface thoughts and idle musings weren't the entirety of humans' minds?

It's a little easier to breathe as he realises he'd be more worried if they had managed to go deeper.

He snorts. It's almost ironic he's convincing himself this is real because the Talosian's don't understand human behaviour enough, can't get underneath the surface enough to understand those subtleties that would have him doubting reality even when focused. It does, however, soften the sharp edges of the whole experience somewhat. He still feels raw and violated to a certain extent, creeped out by how much they saw even if they didn't get far beyond his surface thoughts and throwaway fantasies. There's still the tension that tells him he'll need to talk through it a lot more, probably to Phil, but at least now he feels like he actually can start to talk about it.

He starts rehearsing conversation openers in his head until he realises he's just putting off thinking about the rest. More specifically, Number One. He groans and pinches the bridge of his nose. He knows something the Talosians said or did struck a nerve with her otherwise she wouldn't have retreated the way she has, but given the internal nature of some the illusions he's not sure he'll ever know.

What exactly did they show her? What surface thoughts and idle fantasies did they invade?

He sighs and abandons the train of thought; he's not going to disrespect her privacy like that by trying to speculate.

Now that he's thinking a bit more clearly about the whole situation though, something is tickling the edge of his thoughts. He runs through what the conversations that happened out loud after she was captured and oh…

Yeah, fantasies involving him could have something to do with it. He must have been too busy focusing on his anger for the words to penetrate at the time, but now they seem to be lit up with spotlights in his mind.

He rubs his eyes in an effort to dislodge them.

It doesn't work.

He tries not to read too much into the words, the idea behind them, given how surface level his own recreations were, and he doesn't know if her embarrassment is the fact they knew or the fact that they said it out loud for him to hear and consider.

Crap.

Her whole retreating makes much more sense, especially since he hasn't brushed it aside and has been keeping his distance as well.

At least he left the illusions back on Talos IV. He doesn't know what else the Talosians showed her, but if they leaned hard on her surface thoughts then seeing him every day would only keep reminding her of the situation.

Crap.

He really needs to talk to her. He knew that already, but now he has a better understanding of what to talk about and that he really can't put it off any more, not if he wants to remain her friend.

And the last few days have shown him (not that he didn't already know, but the near reality has certainly driven it home) that he very much does want to remain her friend.

He takes a deep breath as he realises there are two main ways the conversation can go. The one where he brushes it aside, says he knows the Talosians were just saying things to further their agenda, and well, they've been in close enough quarters that these thoughts stray sometimes, there's nothing to be embarrassed about, and hopefully they both move past it.

But were they just surface thoughts? Uncertainty floods him. There was a reason she was one of the women the Talosians brought down, even if he's always done his damnedest to shoot down any thoughts that go beyond acknowledging how attractive she is. Beyond that, she's one of his best friends, and he trusts her completely to have his back, and he feels safe with her.

Yeoman Colt is a different kettle of fish; there's enough of a physical resemblance to his last relationship partner but that's where the attraction ends. She's far too young and nervous around him.

The other way is he can tell her she was brought down for a reason. Acknowledge it and then move on. Be honest that he misses her. Surely they are adult enough for that? Or does that skirt too close to him wondering if he ever imagines the glints of something more he thinks he sometimes sees?

He winces just thinking that thought, and he realises he's going to tie himself in knots again when he's only just settled his thoughts. He sits upright and looks into the flickering image of a fire on the portable heater to try and get his thoughts back on track.

The second approach is the more honest one, will probably be just as awkward as the first but likely better long term, less chance for anything to fester and turn toxic between them.

He dearly doesn't want to lose her friendship, and just like that he realises he's made the decision already. He lets out a snort of laughter and rubs his face. All that twisting up and the answer just clicks into place.

He lies back to look at the stars again and tries enjoy being under the night sky.

He definitely feels lighter as he heads back to the transporter point, and he doesn't tense up when he sees her waiting in the transporter room.

She's brief and to the point in her handover, and as she steps up to the platform, he hopes she can get feels a little clarity as well.

He returns to duty to find a pile of paperwork waiting to be signed off, and his schedule is packed with enough briefings that he doesn't have much time to rethink his decision over the next two days.

Once she's back on board, there's a few days lag time while the higher ups decide what to do, and he takes advantage by asking her to meet him in one of the briefing rooms.

He figures neutral territory is best for this conversation.

She stands just shy of attention across the table from him, and he can feel his words stick in his throat.

He takes a breath and forces his shoulders to relax. "This isn't anything official, but I think we need to talk."

She stays completely still, but he can see the subtle widening of her eyes. She doesn't say anything but blinks and takes a deep breath.

He realises she's unsure about the situation. "I can go first…" he leaves it up to her, and he doesn't miss the flicker of tension that runs through her. She nods though, and it helps a little that she's willing to listen and not just return to the remote distance. He still feels awkward and nervous despite his decision, and he doesn't hold back the urge to nervously twirl a fingertip across the table surface. It'll be easier if she realises he's not smooth about this either, and she's one of the few people he doesn't have to keep up a facade with.

"I had some time planetside to fully think the whole situation through," he fights the urge to look down at the table. "I finally managed to get what the Talosians said straight." She looks like she's not even breathing, and he realises he needs to get the words out before she flees or faints. "I just thought you should know there was a reason you were brought down in the first place." This feels every bit as awkward as he thought it would. "Anyway, I, eh, I don't want anybody to feel embarrassed."

He looks down at the table to give her a little privacy, and when he glances back up she's at least breathing again. There's a touch of colour on her cheeks though. She catches his gaze after a moment and gives the tiniest of nods.

His finger stills on the table. Maybe they can get past this. "I don't know about you, but they said all sorts of things to try and get my co-operation," he shrugs his shoulders. "I'm not assuming anything they said is true unless it's confirmed," he quirks a smile to try and lighten the atmosphere as he dances around the words the Talosians used. "But it's still a lot to work through I know."

In the quiet of the room he hears her soft exhale and sees her shoulders soften slightly. Her nod this time is more pronounced.

"I just," he has to clear his throat, "I miss our friendship," he admits. He looks at her, and he doesn't try to hide his feelings.

There's the faintest softening of her expression he's seen before when she's relieved, and it loosens the knot in his gut he'd grown accustomed too.

"I do too." Her words are soft, and he catches the way she's fighting not to look down. "It's just been…"

He sees her fingers twitch.

"I know." He gives his own small smile to show it's alright, and she returns it.

There's a moment of silence that draws out, and it feels more awkward than most of their conversations, but at least a little easier than the last few days.

"I should," "I, eh,"

They both stumble over words at the same time, and it's so unlike them he has to blink.

"Anyway, that's all I wanted to say." He sounds possibly the most awkward he has in a while. "I had some time planetside to start working things through, but I'm not sure about you so," he takes a breath while he tries to think of the words, "I'm not expecting more of a conversation."

Real smooth, Pike.

It has her quirking her lips for a moment though so it's almost worth it.

"I appreciate that." Her voice is a little softer than normal, and he watches as she takes another steadying breath. "I'll try not to hide so much while I process."

He gives her a reassuring smile instead of fumbling his words again.

She returns it faintly and then the moment drags on. She breaks it before it gets too awkward. "I need to head to engineering, there are still some installations that need to be signed off."

"Yes, the relay upgrades, everything according to schedule?"

"So far. One more day barring any malfunctions."

He nods, partly because it feels like a normal conversation again, and partly because it's a relief his ship is on track.

She takes that as her cue to leave, and he's left feeling more hopeful than he was this morning.

Their relationship doesn't magically go back to normal as they finish up at the starbase, but he didn't expect it too. Instead, the little they see each of other at briefings and shift changes doesn't feel as chilly professional as it did before.

They get the all clear to head back out with a notice of a new general order alongside their new mission orders. The general order prohibiting travel to the Talos system isn't entirely a surprise, but there is a part of him that regrets it means Vina won't get a chance to change her mind.

The next few days pass quietly at warp as they bed the repairs in, and the air between them is still a little awkward. As unsettling as it feels, he prefers that to before because at least know he knows their friendship isn't a write off.

The routine and quiet off shifts help reduce the awkwardness further, as well as the fact he manages to open up to Phil about some of the experience. He doesn't breathe a word about what they suggested for her, that's not his to tell, though there is a part of him that wonders if he's really protecting her privacy or chickening out on talking about it, about the possibility of either of them wanting more.

He knows what Phil would likely say anyway, that he'd push him to explore it, but he meant it when he told her he would only take her words as truth. She hasn't said anything further to him so he lets the memory of the words fade as best he can.

They set up outside the phenomenon they've been sent to check out, and it feels like a normal exploratory mission. The various science teams and countless others are fascinated by the readings, and he loves watching his crew have the time of their lives as they watch and debate. Even those not interested in the science can be found watching the colours and formations through the viewports.

His shift on the bridge passes without any hitches, and he feels particularly pleased as he heads to the mess. They managed a little back and forth banter that felt like it did before, and his good mood lasts through dinner as he enjoys the chatter at a table with Phil and Carlotti, even more so when Number One joins with Cait and Moves-With-Burning-Grace.

They start to tidy up, and he catches the glance and small nod Cait gives Number One, but he doesn't think anything of it until she's walking beside him and he can practically feel the tension radiating off her. The others slowly pull away, and he's dimly aware of Cait laughing at something Phil said. He slows his pace because he gets the feeling she wants to talk.

"Everything alright?" He tries to keep it light.

She glances around the corridor and sighs when she sees it empty apart from their friends in the distance. "I've been processing, and," she takes a breath, "I wondered about a few things."

It's vague enough no one would understand if they overheard, but he knows what she's talking about. "I've got some Northern Denevan whisky in my quarters if you want to try." He doesn't need to add it will be private and they can be themselves.

She nods. "I've not tried that vintage before." The tension radiating off her lessens slightly, and he's not sure how he feels that she was so tense just trying to talk to him.

Neither of them says anything as they veer off in the direction of the turbolift, and the quiet journey to his quarters is only broken by the occasional acknowledgement of the crew members they pass.

He gestures to his desk chair as he heads towards the bottle, and he's glad for something to do with his hands as he pours them a glass each. He briefly debates where to put himself before he settles for an even footing and sits on the end of his bunk. They're about the same height this way, and he's hopefully not making her nerves worse.

"At the next retrofit, I want a casual meeting area," he tries to lighten the mood. "Maybe even a space to throw some food together." He's rewarded with a small smile.

"I'll see what I can do."

He returns the smile and takes a sip. It goes down smooth, and she makes an appreciate nod at her own sip.

He looks down at his glass as he doesn't want to rush her. He hears the chair shift as she adjusts herself, but it's only a minute before she speaks.

"Do you still think about it?"

The question isn't a complete surprise. He knows how deeply private she is, how she prides herself on being unflappable, and she likely wants some reassurance she's not alone in the after-effects.

He sighs. "Yeah." He takes another drink. "It's been a process working through it, and it is easier now, but I think it'll be one of those missions that always stays with you though."

She swirls her glass. "Yes." She looks a little more at ease, but she's still a little reluctant.

"Ironically, it’s the fact I can spiral in my thoughts that one of the reassurances I'm no longer being controlled by them."

She lets out a tiny huff of laughter. "They weren't very good about seeing past the surface were they? Or patient?"

He laughs.

She runs her nail up the side of the glass, and he tries not to get transfixed. "It does make it a little easier seeing all the imperfections, but sometimes…" She glances down at her glass. "I have flashbacks to how real it felt at the time." She blows out a breath of frustration.

He's not sure if it’s because of the flashbacks themselves or because she thinks she should be over it.

"I still sometimes think I felt Tango's hair underneath my hands," he admits, and he sees some of the tension leach out of her. It's easy to talk about that aspect so he keeps going. "It feels like just yesterday I was back on Earth and out riding."

She smiles faintly as she looks into her glass, the same look of pleased amusement she always gets when he talks about his horses.

It's such a return to normality it hits him right in the stomach.

She doesn't seem to notice as she takes another sip. "It was the tree bark for me. One of my favourite spots when I was a teenager was a grove at the edge of town, and it felt like I was just there, leaning back against one of the trees and reading."

Her voice is soft and almost far away, and he cherishes the moment and the picture she paints as he knows how private she is, how little she speaks about her childhood. He doesn't ask anything further, both so as not to pry but also not to break the moment. Instead, he smiles softly until she glances up from her glass.

She returns it with a softening of her shoulders, but then she glances down and takes a deep breath.

"And Vina?" Her words are almost hesitant.

He has to take a deep breath of his own as he tries to figure out where to start. He's talked it over with Phil before, but this feels more charged and delicate. "I do wonder a bit about who she really was, or could have been without the Talosians." He glances down and sees the amber liquid swirl as he fidgets with the glass. "But mainly I feel sympathy for her, for everything she's been through. And guilt for leaving her there and not trying harder to convince her." His voice drops a little at the admission.

She doesn't say anything, and after a long beat he forces himself to look back up to try and see her reaction. Thankfully she's looking thoughtful.

"I can understand the guilt." He sees the awareness of the situation in her slight frown, that for good or bad, Vina won't get a second chance to leave. "But if you had pushed harder you would have been as disregarding her opinions as the Talosians did, and that's not you."

He blows out a breath because he knows she's being honest. He quirks a half smile. "That's pretty much what Phil said as well." It does make it a little easier to bear knowing they both agree with each other. "There's still a part of me that's worried that it was fear, or the years of isolation with just the Talosians that stopped her from coming, and I should have done more." As soon as he stops he realises how loud he had gotten the more he spoke.

She stares into her glass but the small lines around her eyes indicate she's thinking which eases the fear she can't bear to look at him. He sees her wet her lips before she speaks.

"I don't think any of us have the training or the amount of time it would take to help her navigate those issues, even if she wanted to. There is only so much you can help sometimes, even when it feels like failure."

She goes straight for heart of the matter, and he hears the echo of her own regret in her words.

He nods. "It's just another thing I'm going to have to learn to live with." He knows he sounds a little bitter, and he takes a deep swallow of the whisky and relishes the burn.

She makes a noise that sounds like agreement, and he looks at her again. She's being open enough he can see the same regret reflected in her expression.

"Have you been talking it through with anyone?" He tries to soften the question. "Phil's been helping me ramble and try straighten things out." He gives a small smile.

She returns it and nods. "I've managed to talk through some of it with Cait."

He realises that was the source of the look earlier between them, Cait clearly providing support for this discussion.

"Enough at least," she dips her head slightly, "but there's still that lingering feeling of guilt." Her expression probably matches his, and she takes another sip. She gives a small huff of what he thinks is amusement. "We did discuss the merits of leaving some kind of message buoy in case Vina changed her mind and tried to communicate with us, but we never got very far in our plans." She shrugs her shoulders. "Too many eyes on the area at the minute."

He has to let out his own huff of laughter because it's such a her thing to do, even if he knows she was doing it partly to focus on anything but her feelings. "Well, it'll be a relief to know what it is the two of you are plotting together and not have to be too worried for the next while."

She smirks, and the following silence is lighter than it was before. She swirls her drink in the glass, but he can see she's not really looking at it.

"But, yes, it's one of those situations that we're going to learn to live with." Her smile this time is sad, and it reflects its own. She takes another sip. "I suppose it's the other side of all the wonder we get to see exploring."

His mind stops for a moment. He's never heard it put quite that way before, but it's true and it sinks into him in a way it hasn't in the past. All he can say is a weak "yeah" and take an absent-minded sip of his drink. It's all quiet for a minute as his mind absorbs the sentiment until the way she shifts in her seat grabs his attention. He looks over at her, but she doesn't look ready to speak as she's staring down at her empty glass with her lips parted.

He doesn't push, instead he looks down at his own nearly empty glass. It takes less than a mouthful to drain the last of it, and he savours the feel of it.

The silence isn't uncomfortable, but he can tell she's still thinking her words over. "D'you want another one?" He tips his glass towards the bottle.

She looks a little startled which tells him how deep in thought she was. "No, thanks." She shakes her head with a fleeting smile. "I just," she takes a breath, and he tries not to tense at her unusual hesitancy, not when things finally seem to be settling between them. "Wanted to say I appreciate the space and understanding to work through the experience."

He realises he did tense after all as he relaxes at her words. "It's what we both needed," he tries to shrug it off.

She gives him the look that says she's having none of it. "All the same, I appreciate it."

He nods this time because otherwise she'll roll her eyes, and he understands how important him taking the first step was to her. It's the right action as he sees the subtle release of tension from her body, and she gives a small smile.

"The whisky was good." She stands and places the glass down beside the bottle. "I better get some sleep before shift."

He stands because it feels like the right thing to do. "Good night."

"Good night." She smiles before she heads to the door, and he's soon left alone with his thoughts.

He feels a little wrung out, but it feels like they've turned another corner and that's worth it.

They've definitely turned the corner. It's easier to share smiles over the banter of the crew, to linger a little after briefings just to catch up, to just be.

Everything feels pretty much normal again, and he lets himself relax.

Except as the months pass, as the sting fades and the guilt settles into regret, his thoughts can't help but wander sometimes.

It used to be he could easily push those thoughts away, dismiss them as just observing what a magnificent person she is.

Not now, not with the word fantasies ringing in his head, and his own admission to himself. He can't just dismiss admiring the lines of her as her hands fly over a console as simply admiration for her competence, can't just push away the hit to his gut when she does something brilliant and smiles that small smile of hers, can't pretend that dragging his eyes away from her in the gym gets harder and harder.

He blows out a breath in the safety of his own quarters.

Seems like he's tying himself up in knots again.

He has to laugh at himself.

He manages to not let the thoughts distract him from his duties though. They're on a run of scientific and humanitarian missions, and it's easy to do his job and interact with the crew. Dinners in the mess with a rotation of staff are a regular occurrence, and he gets plenty of time to observe and interact with Number One.

She doesn't say anything further, but sometimes there's a moment or a look and he thinks he sees the flicker of something.

It's getting harder and harder to convince himself he's imagining them.

Yeah, these knots are getting tighter.

He's pretty sure he's keeping up his facade well enough that most of the crew don't recognise his internal battle, but eventually he cracks and alludes to the situation with Phil. Unsurprisingly, Phil finds the situation hilarious (at least the non-Talosian parts) and isn't the least bit shocked or surprised. Thankfully, Phil hasn't heard anything amiss or any speculation, but he does have to suffer through Phil's amusement over a glass of gin even if Phil refrains from probing too hard.

"But don't think I won't if you start feeling sorry for yourself again." Phil gives him a pointed look that he can't help but accept with a chagrined expression.

He braces himself for asking the question, but he needs another opinion. "Do you think I'm imagining them?" His voice is quiet.

Phil blows out a slow breath. "I'm not with you both all the time, but over the years I've seen how in sync you both are. And you both raise havoc when the other is injured." Phil says wryly then looks directly at him. "From purely an outside perspective, there definitely seems to have been some moments."

It's both a relief and a wrench to hear. It takes a moment to process the conflicting emotions, and thankfully Phil looks down at his glass so he can do so in private.

When Phil looks back up his expression is serious. "If it was anyone else, I'd tell you to jump in with both feet, but she's contained enough, and important enough, that I don't think I can." Phil frowns. "I'm not sure what advice I can really offer." He pauses for a moment. "I can only ask if you think asking her and trying would be worth the effort or possible discomfort of it going wrong. And don't answer right now, I know you're still all wound up."

Chris blinks as the words settle in, and Phil swallows the last of his drink. He feels a sense of calm come over him at the question, of the idea of a next step to stop going round in circles. He nods. "Thanks, Phil." His voice sounds a little quiet to his ears, but Phil just smiles wryly and leaves him to think in peace.

She glances at him enough during the next day that he knows she realises he's got something on his mind, but she doesn't say anything after he brushes off her enquiring look. He knows it won't buy him a lot of time, but hopefully it'll be enough to get his thoughts in order.

He goes for a run in the gym to keep his body occupied while he thinks. A nice steady pace to stop himself tensing up.

He thinks about what Phil asked, what he said, that he wasn't imagining things. It's still a relief and a wrench but now the thought has settled into his subconscious, it isn't so all encompassing. Now he knows he's not letting his imagination get the better of him, he can actually think and not suppress the idle thoughts like he used to.

He settles into his run, and the rest of the gym fades a little.

Would trying be worth the possibility of it all falling apart?

He already thinks she's brilliant and beautiful, and he knows her well enough as a colleague and a comrade, but he would like to know her better, hear more of the thoughts that flicker through her head when she's holding back a smile, see how she acts when she's in private and relaxed.

He'd like to think that the months since Talos IV have shown that they are capable of talking things through, of not letting the crew suffer if it all went wrong.

Hopefully.

He lets the rhythm of his feet hitting the treadmill lull him for a bit, lets his eyes lose focus on the bulkhead in front of him as he concentrates.

They know enough about each other that many of the pitfalls of normal dating don't apply which would definitely help, and since his thoughts are not going back into their nice neat box any time soon, maybe he should test the waters so to speak?

He hopes anyone who hears his deep breath thinks it's because of the run instead of the sudden spike of irrational anxiety. Irrational because has he not just spent the last while talking to himself that he would like to get to know her better and that they could possibly weather any fallout?

He thinks of the flashes of humour he's seen, how fast she can be at everything including comebacks, and finds himself relaxing, and he thinks it would be worth the effort, worth the risk. And now he's stopping pushing it down, he wants, and the thought's a little terrifying.

Okay, so maybe some of the pitfalls of normal dating do apply after all.

He almost chokes on holding back a snort of laughter, and it takes a minute to get his breathing back under control.

Now he just has to think how he's going to test the waters without making her uncomfortable.

Once he starts setting his mind to it like a diplomatic situation, he manages to settle on an approach remarkably quickly.

He isn't going to go on an all-out charm offensive and put on his best smile, since that would both be counter-productive and feel rather manipulative. No, instead, he's just going to be himself, open up a little and adapt as the situation calls for it. In small doses at first and certainly not in public to start with, and he's going to try his level best not to force conversations and seem more awkward than he normally does in his private life.

He has to laugh at himself because he's pretty sure 'creating a plan to flirt with your first officer' is not what his diplomacy instructors ever had in mind, but if it all goes well, he's pretty sure she'll find it just as amusing.

Phil certainly will, which is why he's not going to tell him straight away or, really, as long as he possibly can because that's commentary he can live without.

He doesn't wait too long to start now that he's committed to finding out and has a plan of action. He starts slowly because he doesn't want to throw her for a loop, or worse, cause her to assume the change in behaviour is because something's wrong. It's just a slightly softer smile as they leave briefings over the course of the week, a casual remark here and there as they make their way through the ship, a more personal quip or reminiscence when the situation is relevant.

She doesn't start avoiding him or look at him like something's wrong or he's a puzzle to figure out, so he takes that as a sign this isn't an absolutely awful idea. As they tidy up the last of this mission and start planning ahead for their next set of orders, she starts returning his ease with some awful quips of her own and a definite softening of her posture. Definitely nothing that can be called flirting on either side, but there's much more of a comfortable camaraderie between them than before and even if this doesn't work, it'll be worth it for this alone.

The next mission involves orbiting a proto-nebula to check if the development is proceeding normally or will impact a nearby star system. It's a beautiful sight, and she's clearly enjoying herself as she calculates the possibilities from their findings. He may ask slightly more leading questions than he used to, ask for a little more detail when they are alone just to hear her talk and bask in her animation and brilliance.

A bemused look flashes across her face the third time he asks, but that doesn't stop her answering him with enthusiasm or volunteering extra information the next day.

Phil looks entirely too amused at the bounce in his step when they next have a drink, but it's entirely worth it.

They move on to their next assignment; two days at warp to starbase 13 to pick up supplies and crew then four days to deliver them to a remote outpost. The smooth running of standard ship operations doesn’t give him much opportunity to ask more questions, but he has a sudden strike of inspiration and decides to ask what she knows about the research the outpost is doing, and from there digging in to what her ideal research project there would be.

Her look this time is more amused than bemused so he counts that as a victory. What follows is a genuinely fascinating conversation that has him dredging up memories of long-ago classes and leaves him exhausted but happy for just about keeping up with her. He ends up doing a little more research in quiet spells the next day, especially on the areas she seemed a little more talkative about, and he orders a carafe of her favourite tea for the briefing room ahead of the meeting. Once the briefing is over, he picks up the threads of their conversation from the day before, and he mentions one of the projects working on the unique magnetic field on the planet and expresses curiosity how it would affect shuttles. She looks amused again, but a little fond, and he could swear there's a glint in her eye as she settles more comfortably into the chair and curls her fingers around her mug.

They don't have any more chances to linger over the next few days as the ship is abuzz with the transfer of crew, supplies, and news, but eventually it's finished and there's space in their schedule for everyone to get a little time planetside.

They have one last meeting with the head of the outpost, and as they head outdoors, he outright asks her if she would like to take a walk with him. He tries his best to make sure it sounds casual, and he thinks he manages to contain his glee when she accepts.

He'd heard there was a herd of wild horselike animals at the edge of the main facility so he heads in that direction. He's conscious of trying not to babble as he mentions what he'd heard or some of the climate similarities to where he grew up. She listens carefully, looking interested thankfully and it's a pleasant walk.

She asks a few questions and lets loose the dry humour she normally hides, especially over some of the attention seeking antics from the smaller members of the herd. There's a small smile on her face when he looks up from admiring the animals that warms him to his core. She actually teases him on the way back to the beam in site, and he can't hide his grin as he tries to fire back.

She pauses just before she reaches for her communicator, and he worries when she looks almost hesitant.

"This was a good idea." She's quiet, and her smile is shy. She breaks the moment before he can do more than smile by flipping open her communicator, and he's still smiling as they materialise back on ship.

He carries on as they carry out the next survey mission on a comet emitting a particular type of ionising radiation, trying to determine its course to see if it will affect a nearby colony. He shares the memory of seeing his first comet in the night sky when he was a boy and finds out she never saw one planetside and had to wait to her first posting.

There's a brief pause as they answer a distress call from a cargo vessel under attack from raiders, though they do manage to exchange tired smiles and reassurances over a cup of coffee. After escorting the ship to their location and helping with repairs, it’s a return to normal operations.

He's increasingly looking forward to those moments at the end of briefings when it's just the two of them and her wit on show, her smiles soft and her tone dry. He's giving as good as he can, growing bolder with his flirting tone as time passes, and she seems to be just as pleased if her increased relaxation and ease around him is anything to go by, to say nothing of the way she's aiming her wit at him.

After a few weeks of the enjoyable status quo, he decides it's time to test the waters further. The next time they're in one of the rec rooms with only Cait and Phil at their table, he very carefully adds a slight flirtatious tone to his comments, not enough to derail the conversation but enough that she knows he's doing it. He keeps watching her as he takes a drink, and she looks a little pleasantly surprised but doesn't close down. When she speaks, there's that lilt to her tone he's been hearing more regularly, and something inside him loosens. He keeps the same tone for the rest of the evening, and he could swear he sees Cait smiling behind her cup. Phil's eyebrow and smirk as they part ways are much harder to miss but he pretends to anyway.

Cait gives him a lingering look at the end of the next briefing before she flashes a smile at Number One. Number One herself looks to be just refraining from rolling her eyes at Cait's retreating back, and he thinks it's safe to assume they've had a discussion about this.

Number One gives him an amused smile, and they manage a couple of minutes of, calling it flirting seems too hopeful or loaded, so he goes with friendly banter instead.

Their next time in the rec room, it's her that starts with what even he has to admit is flirtation in her voice, and he hasn't felt his heart beat this loudly outside exercise in a long time. (Phil mercifully doesn't say anything, just offers drinks if needed, and he appreciates the solidarity.)

They graduate to wider smiles and arched eyebrows and knowing glints in her eyes over the next weeks when it's the four of them, and a greater sense of ease and friendship when others join them. They're pretty much talking, teasing, bantering every chance they get, and he can't avoid calling it flirting anymore, his hopes be damned.

And that's when they hit a point where they plateau. He's not sure he can be more flirty without touching her, and he's not sure if he should. The next week and a half is a holding pattern where they're still flirting, still having proper conversations about random facts of the current mission, still sharing snippets of their days, but neither of them moves forward.

He takes hope in the way she doesn't back down, but he's still nervous enough that Phil picks up on it. Thankfully, he waits until their glasses are empty after their after-shift drink to ask about it.

"What's going through your mind?" Phil is surprisingly gentle, though it's not really surprising when he thinks about it. Phil does know how to read a room.

He transfers the empty glass back and forth between his hands. "I'm not sure whether to push further or not." He has no doubt Phil knows what he's talking about. "Whether I need to reassure her more."

Phil sighs but looks understanding. "Reassure her about what?"

That's easy. "That trying for more would be worthwhile, that even if things don't work out, we're better friends than we were." He's hit with a sense of deja vu, and he suddenly flashes back to their conversation months ago.

He closes his eyes. "Which I've had plenty of time to think about before I started flirting with her." He opens up to Phil laughing.

"You're gonna put me out of a job eventually," he drawls, and Chris can't help but snort in reply and slump a little backwards.

"So I'm just going to leave it as it is and just enjoy it until she gives some indication either way." In any other situation it would probably be frustrating, but he is genuinely enjoying himself. If they stayed like this for the rest of their lives, he would die a happy man.

It's another small revelation about just how deep his feelings for her go, but the thought doesn't scare him for once.

No, his nerves now are all about how he's going to get tongue-tied and say or do something ridiculous now his brain has caught up on just how important this is.

Something must reflect on his face as Phil claps him on the shoulder in reassurance, even if he still does look amused.

Thankfully, the next day they have a fascinating and funny conversation about the Intrepid's first contact with the Nevaleti and the awkward yet hilarious from the outside miscommunications, and it feels enough like their new normal that his nerves start to ease.

The mission eases into the next, and there's a hectic few days where they play cat and mouse with a fleet of small raiders, and their few stolen moments of banter and ease make the tense situation bearable. It ends in a brief firefight that causes just enough damage to keep engineering working through the night to get all systems up and running fully.

The tiredness is probably what makes Cait bold enough to give him a steady look after she gives her final report. She doesn't actually say anything, but he can feel her assessing him. After a moment, she smiles and gives him a slight nod. He knows her well enough to see she's trying hard not to say something which means he's pretty sure Number One has said something to her.

Oh god, he's nervous again.

She leaves him alone to work through that, and it takes him longer than he expected given the last few days to fall asleep that night.

He joins the pair of them for lunch the next day, and Cait looks far too amused at their back and forth. He assumes that's a good sign, but he's still not going to push until Number One makes it clear she's willing to go further, that she thinks it's worth it, that she's had time to adjust to the idea of more.

He sleeps better that night, and the following, and he settles back into enjoying himself with her.

Thankfully, he doesn't have too long to wait; it's only nine days later when she pauses at the end of shift and quietly asks to talk.

He could swear his heart actually stops for a moment before he remembers to breathe and not act like he's missing his brain. "Where do you want to go?"

She glances down at her data pad and a few taps later asks "briefing room three?"

He nods and alters direction. He wonders if it will be too awkward to flirt, but then he wonders if he's seeming overconcerned by not flirting since it's become their norm. Blessedly, they make it to the room before his brain ties itself in knots.

There's a moment of silence after the doors close, and his brain flashes back to their conversation months ago. The atmosphere is much lighter this time around though even with his own nerves, even more so when she smiles gently.

She's not holding herself as rigidly still this time, but he can see she is a little nervous as well. She blows out a breath before she smiles a little. "I didn't think I'd be this nervous."

He's not entirely sure what to say, and settles on "if it helps, I'm nervous too?"

She lets out a small huff of laughter. "It does actually." She leans against the edge of the table and holds on. It seems to ground her, and he sees her relax. "I've been enjoying our conversations. And our flirting." There's a slight shyness in her at that, and it warms something inside him.

He smiles and joins her leaning on the table. "Me too. I've been having a great time." There's silence for a moment, and he has to stop himself from filling it and asking her, possibly pushing her.

"I'm just curious, and I don't want to push," he has to hold back his chortle, "but we seem to have reached a holding pattern," she looks down, "I just wanted to make sure I wasn't reading too much into it." She looks back at him, and he can see the uncertainty in her expression.

He just about trips over himself to try and reassure her. "No, you're not." He swallows and tries to calm himself. "I just didn't want to push," he smiles, "and I wasn't sure if adding more would push."

She subtly relaxes and nods her head in understanding. She lets out a sigh.

He tries not to worry too much, but she must see it anyway. "Just Cait."

Ah. "If it makes you feel any better, I've had the same with Phil."

She lets out a sharp breath of laughter. "It does actually."

The quiet this time is easy, and it gives him a chance to mull over his words. "I meant it when I said I've been having a great time." He catches her eye. "I'm happy to keep it like this if you are, but I've been enjoying getting to know you better." He fights the urge to tense his fingers. "And if there is a possibility of something," he doesn't want to say more as if this wouldn't be enough, "romantic," he settles on with a soft tone, "then I'd like to try."

She blinks at him, and her lips move slightly as if she doesn't know what to say.

He lets her absorb it, though he has to remind himself to keep breathing and not let his breath catch as he waits.

"There's always a risk it wouldn't end well or something could go wrong." Her voice is soft, and he can see the nervous tension in the way she's holding herself still again.

"I know." He wants to reassure her, see her ease up again. "There's always that risk with any relationship, but I think we've proven that we can talk things through when they get tough." He tries to soften it with a smile. "And I think we're professional enough no one else would suffer any fallout," he adds because he knows that'll be part of her concern.

"I had time to think over things before I started flirting with you. I think it would be worth trying, but I wasn't sure how you would feel, hence why I decided to start off slow and test the waters."

She smirks slightly. "You had a plan, didn't you?"

He can't help but grin. "Yeah."

She laughs softly before her expression turns serious again.

"I'm not going to push, as I said, I had time to think this through, so I don't expect anything," he reassures her.

She shakes her head lightly and cuts him off. "And I appreciate that. I have been thinking, at least a little, these last few weeks." She smiles wryly. "Cait's been helping."

He laughs. "Phil gave me some pointed questions."

Her smiles morphs into a grin, and it's a sight to behold. It slowly fades, and she licks her lips and he can practically see her thinking.

"This has helped," she says slowly, "but I still need to work through it."

He nods.

"What did Phil ask you?" she asks suddenly.

It's not really surprising though. "He asked if I thought trying would be worth the effort or possible discomfort of it going wrong." He can't help but glance at her to see her reaction. He can see her think through the ramifications of that, and her lips part but she doesn't say anything, just looks at him for a long moment.

"Oh."

Her blushing reaction makes him giddy. He doesn't think he's ever seen her this off balance before, and there's an admittedly large part of him that is thrilled that he's the one to cause that reaction.

"That seems like a good question."

He hears the waver in her voice as she gets herself back under control, and he holds back his grin. "It helped focus my thoughts so I stopped trying myself in knots," he admits to help her feel a little less exposed.

Her face softens slightly in understanding. The quiet is comfortable for a moment, and then she pushes herself off the table. She looks unsure what to say for a moment and settles on a smile. "I'll see you at the morning."

He nods. "Yeah." He returns the smile easily.

He manages to hold off until the door closes behind her to blow out a deep breath and rub his face. He grins to himself. That went much better than he let himself hope for, but oh it's going to take something tonight to not let possibilities run endlessly through his mind.

He's going to have to do a lot of exercises until he tires himself if he wants to get any sleep tonight.

He does eventually get to sleep, but he does linger a bit longer over his morning coffee than he usually does. He recognises the scent of one of the stronger teas she drinks and thinks she must have spent a good while thinking last night as well. She's just as engaged as normal in the morning briefing however, and it takes a lot of willpower not to keep looking at her too much when she's not talking.

She seems her normal calm self, and he can see no indication what direction her thoughts took her. She smiles at him quickly as the briefing ends, but he doesn't get the chance to see if she'll linger with him as the comm sounds an incoming communique. It's sector command so not something he can avoid, and she gives a commiserating nod as she leaves with the rest of the staff.

New orders distract him for the rest of the morning as he gets the ship ready to assist a nearby science ship transport samples it doesn't have the facilities for. Mohindas fills in for her at the helm as she supervises the conversion of cargo bay two, and he doesn't see her till mid-afternoon when she updates him on the progress. Even then, she's accompanied by Spock so he has to keep it mostly professional.

It's probably for the best, less chance for mixed signals or inadvertently pushing her, and he mostly manages to focus on the daily minutia of running a starship without letting his thoughts wander too much.

She catches him on the way out of the mess hall. "The samples should be interesting to see analysed, initial reports are showing they are lighter than would be expected."

He recognises it as an opening gambit and smiles slightly, both at the conversation and the idea she hasn't been put off. "Huh. You heard any theories floated yet?"

"Not yet, but the teams on the Sato seem excited so I have no doubt by the time we arrive there will be."

They step into the turbolift together, and she sets the deck for their cabins.

Alone in the quiet, he can hear her take a deep breath.

"I spent time thinking last night."

He's got a sudden knot in his stomach, but he turns to face her.

She angles herself to see him better. "I think you're right, it is worth trying," she says quietly.

And just like that, he can breathe again. He tries not to let his grin take over his face. "Yeah?"

She smiles softly and shifts a little awkwardly. "Yes."

The doors open to their deck and break him out of his giddy stupor, and he gestures for her to leave first to her amusement. The corridor is empty and it's only a short stride to the section where their cabins are located.

She steps past his door and pauses, glances around to double check they are alone. "There is still a part of me that is a little nervous over the risk." She looks apologetic.

He hates that. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous," he tries to reassure her. "But I'm looking on that as a good thing. It obviously means this is something and I'm more likely not to be careless."

She absorbs that for a moment and then gives a small smiling nod. "So maybe we can slowly push further?" She sounds hopeful.

He can't help his grin. "I'd like that. I look forward to it." He has to stop himself before he gushes everywhere.

But she returns his grin, and there's a dash of colour on her cheeks. "Good." She tilts her head slightly, and there's an amused glimmer in her eyes. "I look forward to seeing your efforts." She smirks.

"And I'm curious to see yours." He returns the smirk, and oh this feels good.

"I'll see you at the briefing." She pauses. "You better get some sleep if you want to be at your best." Her eyes are practically twinkling, and she doesn't give him a chance to respond before she turns and starts heading towards her own cabin.

There's a definitely spring in her step that almost mesmerises him before he remembers he's standing in the middle of the corridor. He manages to make into his own cabin and stretch out on his bed before his grin splits his face. He falls asleep smiling up at the ceiling as possibilities run through his mind.

Not much changes the next day. They have their now normal flirting after the morning briefing, and he stands closer to her as they walk out to face the day. She's off again supervising teams so he doesn't see her until meal break. She smiles at him when she joins the crowded table, more impactful for the knowing behind it. He walks her back to check on the progress, and he stands a little closer in the turbolift, angles himself towards her, letting their bodies do the flirting as he catches up.

The next day he sits next to her, his chair angled slightly so their boots are touching as they finalise the details for meeting up with the Sato. It's the only real chance that day given how busy everyone is, but they do manage a tired smile before they turn in.

There's a bit of a get together once everything is loaded, and he doesn't begrudge either of the crews a chance to relax with each other after not seeing others in a while. The relaxed nature means it's not too noteworthy for him to stand close to her and try to make her laugh with jokes and observations.

She at least looks amused at his efforts, but he has to hide his grin behind his glass more than once at her remarks.

It's three days at warp five to starbase 14, and they both take advantage of the quiet mundane day to day admin to sit close together, not quite touching but aware of the warmth of each other. It's both thrilling and utterly relaxing as they carry on talking about just about everything, neither of them having to tell the other what their hot drink preference is or explain their thought processes.

They lean closer occasionally to show the other a pad, closer within the other's personal space than before, and it's just as well they are alone because no doubt someone would remark on it.

When she passes him a fresh cup her fingers catch against his, her slight smile showing it's deliberate. When they're leaving to head to the bridge, he lightly touches her elbow as he passes her and thrills at the closeness of it.

During lunch with some of the senior staff, he casually asks if anyone has plans later. Cait smirks into her cup while Number One equally casually shrugs a shoulder and mentions heading to the gym. Cait makes a dramatic gesture and pushes the conversation onwards to her plans to teach one of the new engineers card games. He's grateful for the assist, but he knows they'll both be hearing about it for a while.

It's entirely worth it though when he walks into the gym and sees her lifting weights carefully about her head. Her hair is pulled back into a ponytail, and he can see the smooth skin of her neck and shoulders around the straps of her tank top. It's one of the standard issue black ones, but it’s neat on her and shows more of her pale skin than anything else she normally wears.

He heads for one of the treadmills behind her, far enough back that it won't look too obvious to everyone else but still close enough he can see her. She's utterly graceful as she places the bar back down and then hitches it up again, and he can see her muscles working.

He has to focus on keeping himself coordinated, but his gaze keeps flicking back to her, and it's an effort not to get distracted. She's completely stunning, and it's not just the fact he's seeing more of her than usual in her workout gear. She's strong and focused and simply beautiful.

She finishes up, wipes down the equipment and takes a drink of water. She then starts a series of stretches that has him glad he doesn't have to lift anything or focus because she must be showing off, or at the very least flirting hard.

He's almost irrationally tempted to rip off his own tank and try and flex, but she swaggers across and he can practically see the satisfaction and relaxation on her body. She unabashedly looks him over, and he hopes she has the same reaction he did to seeing more of her.

She smirks and looks pleased as she turns away, and he has to stop running before he trips over his own feet. She leaves without a backward glance, and he has no idea how he's going to get to sleep tonight with all those images running through his head.

He takes an extra coffee with him to the briefing. She smiles at him freely since no one else has arrived yet. He uses the opportunity to walk past her closer than he needs to and slowly trails the fingers of his free hand against her upper arm as he heads towards his chair. He swears he can feel his fingertips buzzing.

Her eyes are wider than normal when he turns to face her, but she quickly breaks into a smile. It's on its way to a smirk when the door opens and she tempers it, but he can still see the warmth in her eyes.

When the rest of the senior staff settle down it doesn't take long to hammer down the plan for their upcoming visit to starbase 14 to pass on the Sato's samples. They won't have much time together until it's done so they linger a little longer after the rest of the staff have returned to their posts. The following conversation is technically about the scientific cargo so he doesn't really count it as flirting on duty instead of working.

After unloading the samples, he grants shore leave aboard the starbase; two days rest for everyone with a chance to catch up on news, stock up on items in the market, meet others, eat other food, and generally stretch their legs so to speak.

Most of those disembarking are wearing civvies so the two of them don't stand out as they head towards one of the restaurants for dinner. She's just wearing a plain shirt and pants, but it’s a deep v-neck and he can see the suggestion of cleavage, and he can't stop looking. His own outfit is similar except for the neckline and seems to be having a similar effect on her, and he feels almost giddy as they walk into the restaurant. It's not the busiest so he doesn't fight the urge to touch the small of her back to guide her in front of him.

She smiles at him over her shoulder and only looks amused when he pulls her chair out for her.

It's a fusion restaurant with cuisines from different regions of Earth, Andoria and Ktar, and it's like nothing he's ever had before. They spend time picking different dishes, and when they try bits of each other’s dishes it feels completely natural. The conversation covers everything from the food itself to items they spotted for sale, what they plan to buy, what they've seen others up to, to mulling over the different biodomes the base has and him waxing lyrical about the similarities to where he grew up, her describing an experience at the academy in a similar but new to her region. It's easy, and it doesn't seem like long before their desserts are finished and the restaurant starts to become busier.

They amble along the main shopping section, window shopping and picking up the occasional food or toiletry item (he's half sure trying to get close enough to her to smell the subtle scent she buys is going to occupy too much of his time in the near future). She gently brushes her pinky finger against his as they walk, and her glance tells him it's deliberate.

He smiles and curls his finger briefly around hers and feels light as air as they head back towards the boarding point.

The next day he shows her the dome that reminds him of home, and they grab lunch to go and picnic with Cait and Phil. It's a pleasant afternoon even if Phil does raise an eyebrow in amusement at their flirting and the way he looks over her in her dress and leggings. (He won't admit to how long he looked at his limited off-duty clothing to try and decide what to wear.)

Their next mission is a standard survey mission in a quiet area of Federation space. Their touches become a daily thing, small hidden moments that still thrill him, and when they are alone together the space between them shrinks until he can feel the warmth of her beside him. They sit together at the film night, and he slides his hand over hers in the darkness.

They're interrupted by a distress call from a nearby settlement, and there's no time for anything more than reassuring glances as they evacuate those in immediate danger then figure out and solve what exactly is causing the unusual seismic activity. It takes a day to pinpoint the anomaly then another two to correct it, during which time the ship itself gets caught in the field and tossed back and forth countless times.

The injuries and repairs aren't too bad by the time they manage to dissipate the field, and Enterprise fares better than the settlement due to the design of the ship and inertial dampeners. Most of the buildings in the settlement need at least some repair with some needing complete rebuilding, but thankfully the only injuries are easily treatable. Still, it was almost impossible to get much sleep with all the random shaking going on, and he's feeling tired and sore from both the shaking and trying to steady himself.

He finishes the comm call to the leader of the settlement and lets out a sigh. He knows he's going to have to gird himself to get back up again to start a bridge shift so some of the crew can start to get some rest, but it's the last thing he feels like doing.

Number One stands from her seat beside him, her movements a touch slower than normal, and he knows she's just as tired. She stands beside him and drops her hand onto his shoulder.

He relaxes with the warmth of her hand and the gesture. She squeezes lightly, and he leans his head into her touch. It's a moment of comfort that he's incredibly grateful for, and he's not sure it would have been possible several months ago. Hell, even a couple of weeks ago. He squeezes her fingers and sits up straighter with a renewed feeling of strength. He misses her warmth as she pulls away, but it's tempered by the soft, tired smiles they give each other.

It's a little easier to get back to work after that.

They manage to catch up on sleep and finish the original survey, but the warmth of her touch and reassurance lingers in his mind. He can't help the good mood though he tries not to make it too obvious. He's not sure how successful he is given the amused look he sees Cait and Phil exchange, but hopefully they're the only ones who know the reason for his good mood.

She sets up an ostensibly working dinner in one of the briefing rooms, but he has nothing more to do than sign off on her reports and they spend the rest of the time relaxed and chatting, their knees touching.

He goes ahead and requisitions a folding table and chair for his cabin, joking with the quartermaster that Phil's been grumbling at him. His heartbeat feels impossibly loud as he asks her to dinner in his cabin, and he feels more nervous than he should be, but this feels like a bigger step than anything else so far.

She smiles in response, and the rest of the ship comes rushing back in as he can suddenly hear again.

He somehow gets through a shift that's 90 percent paperwork and briefings without daydreaming or grinning too much, and he spends a nervous 10 minutes afterwards setting up.

Logically he knows he shouldn't be disappointed they're both still in uniform when she turns up as neither of them wear civvies outside their quarters enough for it not to be remarked upon, but there is a part of him that misses the relative anonymity of the starbase.

She must read something in his expression as she glances down and tugs at the hem of her gold turtleneck. "We could give our undershirts an airing." Her tone is light, but he sees the way she bothers the hem.

"I like that idea." He smiles both in reassurance and at the casualness of it. He makes quick work of his tunic and drapes over the back of his chair. She does the same, and he watches curiously as she uses her fingers to neaten up her hair again.

That simple gesture feels more intimate than anything else so far, but also completely normal.

The plain black t-shirt looks good on her, and he tries not to admire her too much as he makes his way to the synthesiser.

"I have some Antarian cider we can share if that influences what you want to eat."

She looks thoughtful for a moment. "There's a recipe for penne al'arrabiata that I haven't tried yet that should go well with it."

He thinks she's said something about that before. "Spicy tomato?"

She nods.

"Sounds good." He works the controls and tries to add a little flair as he carries the warm bowls over to the table.

The pasta does indeed go well with the cider, and dinner feels easy, a mix of ships gossip and their latest reading material the main topics of conversation. She talks about the research coming out of the Daystrom Institute on computing circuits and the Bolian locked room mystery she's reading, he about the observations he’s made about the effect of different atmospheres on the engineering of flightcraft and the book he's reading on a comparison on draught animals across several federation worlds.

There's still plenty of time left in the evening when they finish, seamlessly tidying up and lingering over their glasses, and he doesn't want it to be over just yet. He rolls the glass in his hand, and she smiles softly.

"What is it?"

Warmth flushes through him that they are close enough she can easily ask that now, and he realises there's no need to be nervous. "I'm just wondering if you dance." He grins.

"Well, it depends on what you mean by dance." She raises an amused eyebrow and leans forward on the table expectantly.

"Nothing too complicated, just a slow simple waltz."

"You'll have to be more specific," she says with a smile. "I can think of at least four different dances called a waltz."

"Only four?" he teases right back.

"I'll admit my dance knowledge is a little lacking compared to other subjects."

He delights in the amused drawl she uses and grins. "I was just thinking of the generic simple waltz that can be done to any slower three count music."

"Hmm." She bites her lip. "You'll have to guide me." She smiles.

He can't tell if she's flirting or isn't sure about the moves, but either way he's happy to lead. "It would be my honour."

She makes a sound that sounds like held back laughter, and okay, yeah that was a bit over the top.

He laughs it off and rises to the control panel, and a few selections later, soft music is playing throughout his cabin. He holds his hand out to her, and she takes it with a pleased expression.

Her fingers are warm as she wraps them around his, and she rises gracefully from the chair.

He absorbs the feel of her hand in his as he pulls her to the clear space the other side of the centre console. He stops and faces her then takes a small step towards her to the closest he's ever been to her. He adjusts his hand to account for the different angle, and he looks at her, suddenly aware again of just how tall she is that they can nearly see eye to eye.

He has to swallow before he can speak. "There are a couple of different arm positions, but the easiest is one person puts their other hand on the other person's waist and the other rests it on the other's shoulder."

She looks both amused and intrigued. "Any particular order?"

He shakes his head. "There were some antiquated gender roles, but these days it's just a matter of personal preference."

He can see her think for a moment, and he finds himself full of anticipation that he never expected. It's only a moment, but it's still a thrill when she delicately places her hand on his shoulder.

The warmth of her hand through just the thin layer of his undershirt is obviously more than it was last time, but it feels so much more intense. He says a small prayer at the realisation her positioning brings, and he needs it when he brings his hand to her waist and feels the warmth of her beneath his hand. He has to swallow again. "I can lead, and you can mirror my movements."

She smirks a little. "I can cope with that this time."

He's delighted by the thought of more times to come and covers with a smirk of his own. "If you step back with your right foot," he pushes forward with his left carefully enough to leave the same space between them, "and then bring your left foot parallel before sliding it next to your right foot." He performs the mirror actions as she smoothly moves into position. "And then we mirror back to the starting position to finish off."

"Like this?" She manages the next move after only one repetition so quickly he almost stumbles keeping up.

He grins. "You always are a quick learner."

Her smile turns lopsided. "Helps when it turns out I am a little familiar with it after all."

He chuckles. "So I didn't need to teach you then."

"I wouldn't say that." She flushes a little. "Besides, I like seeing you in teaching mode."

He can feel a flush of his own spread across his cheeks, and he doesn't quite know what to say.

She looks a little pleased at his reaction, but thankfully she doesn't say anything else and he can regain his composure.

The silence is comfortable and gives him a chance to notice how smooth her movements are, how graceful she is. He feels the subtle shift in her when he tells her as much, and she looks a little flustered herself. He stifles his smile and gives her time to get her own composure back. Through it all her steps never falter, and they manage to stay in step. She softens again, and he enjoys feeling it as well as seeing it.

They slowly drift closer as the song fades into the next, and he's acutely aware that this is the closest they've ever physically been. He's enjoying it immensely, but he hopes she can't feel his pulse because it's racing. He feels heat building both internally from his desire and against his skin from her body heat. A third song starts, and they're close enough that the tips of her breasts brush against him as they move.

"Sometimes it does just slow to just swaying side to side together." He feels he has to speak to break the tension inside him.

"Under any specific circumstances?" Her tone and smirk are flirtatious.

He can't help but return it. "Well, when two people like each other very much…" He drawls.

She laughs, and he's delighted, especially since he can feel the movement under his palm and the way she presses into him a little more. Her next step is slower and misses the beat of the music, and it takes him a moment to synchronise as desire spikes through him.

He loses track of the beat and just moves in time with her. He stops keeping the touch of his palm deliberately light and lets his hand sink into the warmth of her waist.

She looks him in the eye, and his breath catches. They slow even further, and they stop trying to keep any space between them. They're practically breathing the same air, and their faces are close enough he can hear her breathing. It sounds every bit as ragged as his does, and the room suddenly feels hotter as want and need fill him.

He has to wet his lips, and he watches her eyes widen. Anticipation is a tight coil running throughout his entire body, but he's torn between savouring it or closing the gap and pressing his lips against hers.

She blushes, but licks her lips and tightens her grip on his shoulder. She swallows before she speaks softly. "I've been enjoying this."

He hums in agreement and smiles. "Me too." His voice is a little rough, and he has to clear his throat. "It's been a long while since I've been able to savour the build up like this."

Her exhale is loud this close, and her gaze flickers to his lips. "Yes. I am torn now though," she bites her lip. "I don't know whether to keep savouring it or to kiss you."

He stops moving for a moment as desire almost short circuits his brain. "It is a hard decision," he manages and almost immediately regrets his word choice as he suddenly feels conscious of where his blood is pooling.

They are down to a gentle sway as they stare at each other, and the music fades into the background. All he can think about is how good this feels, how close she is.

She suddenly smiles and breaks the tension. "I've figured out how to have both options," she replies to his enquiring look.

"Oh?" he's even more intrigued.

She looks pleased and leans forward. She turns her head to the side, and he only realises she's aiming for his cheek when her lips brush his skin.

Her lips are warm and soft, and that's pretty much all his mind can comprehend before she pulls away. He's grinning before his brain catches up, and he hopes he wasn't scratchy with the need to shave. He's normally okay, but that doesn't stop the thought going through his head even if it is swiftly banished by the soft look in her eyes.

The song changes and reminds them time is passing and pulls them from getting absorbed in each other. She takes a small step back but doesn't draw her hands away immediately.

He slowly brings her hand in his towards his face as he maintains eye contact, and he can see the deep breath she takes. He brings her knuckles to his mouth and lays a gentle kiss down on her warm skin.

Her eyes widen, and he lets himself linger a moment to savour it all.

She looks as reluctant as he does when he starts to drop her hand but still as pleased as he feels.

"I, eh," he sees her swallow, "better head back to my cabin."

Her voice is a little breathier than normal to his delight and arousal.

He drops his hand from her waist and realises his voice is just as affected. "Yeah."

They share an amused smile before glancing away, and he hasn't felt this young in years. "I'll see you at the morning briefing."

She nods and bites her lip a little. "Good night."

"Good night."

He watches her leave and drops down onto his chair as he feels a little drunk with giddiness.

It takes him a long while to get to sleep that night.

Differing shift rotations for the next few days mean they don't get a lot of time together, either on shift or off. They do manage a few quick meals in the mess surrounded by others and a few brushes of hands as they handover, which is both enough to take the edge of his want and ramp it up further.

It's five long days until everything aligns enough they can have dinner in his cabin again, and their dance and how close they were runs through his mind whenever he has a free moment or loses focus.

Finally, finally, she's knocking on his cabin door. He's done savouring the build up and says as much as she walks in. There's a moment when he suddenly wonders if he's pushing her, but the smile across her face puts him at ease.

"I am too," she says as she steps into his space, and he barely has a chance to take a deep breath before she presses her lips against his.

It takes a beat for his brain to do more than register her soft warm lips, but then he brings up his hand to sit on her waist and starts returning the kiss. It feels so good, a gentle exploration that rapidly picks up pace as she cups the back of his head takes advantage of his lips parting in a pleased sigh.

He pulls her flush against him as her tongue explores his mouth, and he closes his eyes as he falls into the experience.

So of course his stomach gurgles loudly. He's not sure which of them laughs first, but they stop kissing and laugh for a moment with their foreheads pressed together.

"Definitely time for dinner then." She says lightly, but neither of them makes a move.

He wants to kiss her again, but the urgency and tension of his anticipation has left him.

They don't move too far from each other as they each pick something from his synthesiser, and he can't stop smiling as they sit down next to each other to eat. He feels an odd combination of relaxed and giddy, and there's a light tone to her voice that he's grown so fond of recently as she relaxes and enjoys herself around him.

He twines his fingers with hers once they finish eating and turns to face her. She smiles, and he feels giddy with anticipation again and starts to lean towards her.

So of course the whistle of his comm sounds and Spock's voice asks for him. Her sigh matches his huff of annoyance, but she shakes it off and starts tidying the plates as he heads to the comm panel.

"Pike here." Hopefully he's kept the annoyance out of his tone.

"Captain, there is a high priority message for you from sector command."

Well, there goes tonight's plan. "All right, pipe it through to my screen here."

"Aye, Captain."

He turns to face her with a dejected look on his face and finds she's already cleared the dishes away and is giving him a disappointed smile. She doesn't say anything, but she shrugs her shoulders and steps into his space again to brush a kiss against his lips. He can't help but hold onto her for a moment, and she seems to feel the same by the way she trails her fingers down his arm as she moves past him. He finds himself watching her go, and he turns to the screen as the door closes behind her with a sigh.

The change in orders disrupts the rhythm of the ship, and they have to eke out a few chances to explore this latest progression. Once everyone else has filed out after a briefing, he pulls her in for a quick kiss that leaves him in a good mood for the rest of the day. Two days later, she tugs him into an empty maintenance bay and kisses him hard enough to leave him breathless and almost dazed. As he walks away from her, his only consolation is that she seems just as affected and reluctant to let him go.

Then they're back at warp between systems and finally have the chance to meet up in his cabin after dinner in the mess. A dinner that felt incredibly long as he tried not to stare too much at her lips in front of everyone, and clearly she feels the same with the way she steps up close to him once the door closes.

"Hi," he's not exactly original, but she seems amused anyway as he slides his arms around her waist.

"Hi." She cups the back of his neck and kisses him before he can say anything else.

He luxuriates in the fact they don't have to rush for fear of being seen, that he can kiss her as long and as deep as they like.

It rapidly escalates; their bodies pressing against each other, his hands roaming across her back, her fingers buried in his hair and digging into his shoulder. Heat rises between them as he feels his desire ramp up, and his knees almost buckle when she slips her fingers beneath his collar. She gives a low chuckle he feels more than hears, and he sweeps his hands downwards and cups her ass. She curves into him and standing suddenly feels like too much effort.

He slows the kiss momentarily out of self-preservation while he guides them over to a chair and manages to sit. She settles astride him, and he feels like he's in paradise as the change in angle gives him easier access to the underside of her jaw, and he delights in exploring the new territory. She arches into him, and he lets her reactions guide him.

She kisses whatever skin she can reach, and their hands explore each other until they're both breathing heavily. He pulls away to catch his breath and to try and stop feeling like this is going to be over sooner rather than later. He doesn't stop moving his hands thought, and he slips his finger under the edge of her undershirt and looks up at her with a silent question.

She's such a sight with her lips swollen and parted, her cheeks flushed, and her pupils wide. She nods, and her eyes flicker when his hand skims over her smooth skin.

It feels so good, his arousal ramping up further, and she evidently agrees as she suddenly reaches and pulls her top and undershirt off in one quick movement. He's briefly aware of the disarray it leaves her hair in, but his attention is swiftly caught by the expanse of skin and breasts that he's allowed to look at now. She feels every bit as good as she looks, and he's mesmerised by the slight flush across her skin.

It takes a moment to realise her fingers are at his hem and that she's asking him the same. He just about scrabbles to take his top off because hells yes bare skin on bare skin will only make this situation even better. As much as he admires the view, he pulls her flush against him and groans into her mouth as she kisses him again.

It all builds from there; his cock grows harder, their breathing becoming even heavier and ragged, and her squirming on his lap.

"Chris," she barely pulls away, her voice all low and breathy, and oh he's never going to forget that marvellous sound.

"Mmm?"

"Let's go to bed."

He kisses her quickly in response then shifts forward, and in one sharp movement he stands and takes her with him.

She grabs onto him tightly and laughs in his ear, and it's possibly his new favourite sound.

He stops at the foot of his bunk, and from there it's a mutual scramble to get the remains of their clothes off. He lets her lead for the next step, and she pulls him down on top of her.

It feels like miles of smooth skin pressed against him as he nestles between her thighs, and he sets about exploring as much as he can, only pausing when her own explorations distract him.

He can feel the moment she lets go of everything else and focuses purely on the sensations and the moment. His own awareness shrinks to the feel of her against him and figuring out where to put his hands and mouth so that he can hear her breath catch and feel her fingers stutter on him.

Feeling her come around him is the pinnacle of his day and tips him over to his own orgasm.

They end up plastered against each other in his suddenly too small bunk with her breasts pressed against his chest and one of her legs tucked between his. They leisurely catalogue each other with slow sweeps of hands over skin and small teasing kisses wherever they can reach.

"This is something else I'll have to sort during the next refit." She sounds utterly relaxed for once, and he can't help his huff of laughter.

"Can I be a fly on the wall when you have that conversation with the engineering team?"

She nudges him but laughs alongside him.

He knows they'll have to move soon, but it's not urgent, and he fully intends to luxuriate in this feeling and her presence as much as he can.

Their routine afterwards is much the same as before. They keep flirting, alone and in front of Cait and Phil. If they can't have quiet dinners together at least once a week, then they try and find a little time to spend quietly in the observation bay or arboretum. The newness comes in establishing a few ground rules, mainly about how expressive they are in public and boundaries about when not to talk about work. They keep slowly teasing out childhood stories, their more obscure entertainment tastes, adding in finding the spots that feel good when they press against each other. They start to adjust to seeing each other's fully private selves, and they manage to navigate the small frustrations of learning each other more closely and the bad moods they never saw before. He's pretty sure most of the bridge staff have an inkling about the change in their relationship, that there's probably a little more gossip than normal lower decks, but no one says anything outright, and they stay as discreet as possible.

There's still a ways to go he knows, but he can't help but feel at the moment that they'll be stronger than any storm that comes their way.