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Part 1 of Feral Patton is best Patton <3
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2023-10-15
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2,428
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1/1
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I (was) a Teenage Dirtbag, baby

Summary:

Patton is confused as to why Roman is so anxious about him meeting his brother Remus for the first time. Of course, later on upon actually talking to Remus he understood.

Remus was chaos incarnate. He was vulgar, he cackled at people's discomfort, he was oblivious to tone and took jokes too far.

Little does everyone know, Patton was in the same boat in high-school. And Patton thinks Remus is fucking hilarious

Or : I wanted chaotic/slightly feral but still Patton
Patton and so I fucking wrote it. You know what they say, if you can't find your niche topic on ao3 you pull on your big boy panties and you write it yourself.

Notes:

I wrote this in the span of a couple hours without any breaks and my hands are cramping!! It was worth it though and I love this piece a lot :) I hope yall like it too!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Patton hummed to himself as he happily swayed and twirled around the kitchen. He was currently trying his hand at caramel drizzle brownies, and was waiting for the timer to ding and signal the end of the ovens preheating.

 

Distantly Patton could hear shuffling in the living room and paused his humming and dancing for a moment to hear what Patton knew to be Roman mumbling. Most likely on the phone with Virgil if Patton were to guess.

 

Virgil was a new addition to their lives and although he was a bit prickly on the outside, he really was a sweetheart. Now of course they wouldnt have met Virgil if they hadn’t met Janus.

 

Logan had gone out to the local library to return some books that he had long since finished. And of course Roman had decidedly tagged along just because he could. But while Logan was up at the front desk, someone strode up to Roman. Who had been swiping at his phone near the door.

 

“Excuse me.” The mystery person, now known as Janus, cleared their throat.

 

Roman looks up from where he had been playing Subway surfers.

 

“Yes? How may i help you?” Roman smiled, only a bit confused.

 

Janus hums and clasps their hands in front of themself. “This may sound a bit strange but i must say, you look a lot like my friend.”

 

“Thats cool. Whats your friends name? I might want to know my doppelganger.” Roman laughed.

 

Janus’s mouth quirks up just a bit. If Roman hadnt been friends with Logan as long as he had he wouldnt have caught the microexpression.

 

“Remus, Remus Rey.”

 

Roman chokes.

 

“Do you know him?” Janus says, tilting their head.

 

Roman wrings his hands, an anxious quirk he had picked up from Patton. “That was the name of my twin. Uh, i havent seen him in awhile.”

 

Janus nods and pulls out their phone swiftly, pulling up a picture and flashing it at Roman. It was Remus, no doubt about it. He was older but of course he was, it had been years.

 

After that, Patton thinks that Janus had given Roman their number and told him to text Janus whenever he had the chance. Janus also had said that they most likely wouldnt answer immediately. They had things to do of course, which Roman could respect.

 

They wouldn't have met Virgil if they hadnt met Janus, and Roman wouldnt have his brother back if Roman hadnt decided to annoy Logan into going to the library.

 

Soon after Janus had organized a meeting where Roman and Remus would go to a cafe, sit and talk about their “feelings or whatever”. Janus’s words, not Pattons.

 

However Roman had soon found out that Remus had a very hard time sitting still and he found more joy in messing with the workers as well as fellow customers. Remus and Roman ended up getting kicked out of the cafe but Roman was laughing so hard he was almost doubled over. Remus was also grinning like the maniac he is before gripping Romans shoulders and suggesting even more chaos. To which Roman agreed.

 

Today however, Remus, Janus and Virgil were all coming to Roman,Logan and Pattons home for the week and Roman was freaking out. If Patton was going off of Romans urgent pacing. Patton didn’t really know why Roman was so anxious. Maybe it was because Roman wanted Patton and Logan to like his brother. Or maybe it was because he wanted Remus to like them. Again Patton didnt know.

 

But Patton would probably figure it out soon. Because the preheat timer went off and Patton listened to Romans footsteps move towards the kitchen.

 

“Hey, Padre.” Roman says nervously.

 

“Hey kiddo.” Patton chirps.

 

“So, uh, Remus and his friends are going to be here soon and i just need to warn you- Remus is. Well Remus is a bit much. But if he says or does something that you dont like then i can totally ask him to leave- or maybe i dont know. Put him in a corner- Or maybe-” Roman rambles before Patton cuts him off.

 

“Roman, I promise itll be okay. You will not be putting your grown adult brother in the corner. You're overthinking just a bit, and thats valid. But you’re only making your anxiety worse. Okay? Also I can take care of myself just so you know.” Patton smiles warmly.

 

The tension lining Romans shoulders lightens and he scoffs playfully. “I mean, Gods above you’re six foot six, id hope you’d be able to.”

 

Patton rolls his eyes lightheartedly before finally placing the pan of brownie batter into the oven. Just the front door to their home was ripped open and someone sped in, laughing maniacally.

 

“FUCK! REMUS I TOLD YOU, THIS ISN’T OUR FUCKING HOUSE. YOU CANT JUST BUST DOWN THE DOOR JACKASS-”

 

Patton blinked at the sudden onslaught of colorful curses but giggled at the pained expression on Romans face. Patton quickly wiped his hands off on a nearby kitchen towel and then ushered Roman out the doorway.

 

Only to be met with even more chaos.

 

Remus was running around like a headless chicken while cackling while Virgil chased after him. Janus was inspecting the front door with a full bottle of wine in their hand. Intermittently chugging from it. And Logan was on the floor with multiple textbooks and computers out picking up something when it was close to being stepped on and then placing it back down without missing a beat.

 

But then as soon as Patton and Roman walked in, Remus suddenly stopped. Consequently, Virgil then rams headfirst into his back sending them both down to the floor in a heap of limbs.

 

Virgil glares and Remus smirks.

 

“If you wanted to be on top of me all you had to do was ask, Doll face.”

 

Virgil then proceeded to try to strangle him.

 

“HARDER-ACK.” Remus chokes.

 

Finally it all comes to a pause when Janus walks to join the group and clears their throat. Virgil and Remus’s Heads popping up comically.

 

“Are you both done? Seriously, you two act like you’re five.”

 

Virgil climbs off of Remus, face flushed red. But Remus only pouts.

 

Janus rolls his eyes. “Are you going to stop terrorizing each other and say hello to the people we are to be staying with for the next week?”

 

Virgil waves awkwardly to an amused Patton and a Roman who looks between Patton and Remus nervously.

 

And then proceeds to plop down on the floor next to Logan, leaning against his shoulder lightly.

 

“You guys want to fuck each other so bad.” Remus snorts.

 

Logan pauses in his work and deadpans, as virgil looks like he wants to strangle Remus again.

Remus just laughs again.

 

“That wasn’t a no.” Remus sings.

 

Patton snorts, quickly drawing Remus’s attention.

 

“Oh hey! You’re the Dilf that Janny and Vee were talking about! Tell me, is your dick as big as the rest of you?”

 

Everyone in the room snaps to attention and go to scold Remus.

 

“That is completely inappropriate-”

 

“Fuck man you cant say that to people you just meet-”

 

“Remus, Really?”

 

“WHY-”

 

But all quickly stop when Patton abruptly bursts into laughter.

 

“Oh my god-” Patton giggles.

 

When Patton calms down he breathes in deep, trying to contain his amusement.

 

“I think i get it now. Roman, were you nervous about me meeting your brother because he’s a little vulgar?”

 

“A little is an understatement.” Virgil grumbles.

 

Patton looks exasperated. “Just because i dont swear much or make sex jokes–yes i said sex it isn’t a bad word–all the time. Does not mean me and Remus wont get along fine.”

 

Patton turns his attention back to Remus as everyone else is left to their own embarrassment. Remus now practically eying him with heart eyes.

 

Patton only winks and turns to go check the brownies. Once again humming to himself.

 

Once Patton is in the kitchen he distantly hears the loud voice of remus say very confidently. “I want him carnally, biblically and everything in between. Janny you told me he was a prude! How fucking dare you! Hes so fucking sexy, i want him to explore my body-”

 

“REMUS-”

 

“Okay jeez.”

 

—------------

 

Later when everyone is enjoying brownies and talking about nothing in particular, the subject of childhoods gets brought up. As always Remus rattles off some disturbing stories that Janus and Roman both separately disprove. Logan shrugs, Saying his parents were pretty strict before he went off on his own.

 

Janus says that they grew up in an orphanage before getting out at eighteen and collecting the trust fund their parents left them when their parents died. Roman says his life was pretty average–other then the whole “having his twin kicked out of the house and being forbidden from keeping any contact with him” thing. Then, naturally attention turned to Patton. Who had been looking around the group worriedly for all of their stories.

 

Patton looks thoughtful for a moment. “I’ll admit i was a bit off the rails in highschool. But the rest of my life was pretty great, so my life wasn’t all too interesting.” Patton shrugs.

 

Janus raises an eyebrow.

 

“What exactly does ‘off the rails’ mean?”

 

“Oh y’know, Normal teenager stuff!”

 

Everyone looks at each other for a moment, now thoroughly curious.

 

Remus groans. “What exactly did you do though? Give us all the juicy details.” Remus wiggles his eyebrows.

 

Virgil cringes. “Please dont say the word juicy like that.”

 

Remus grins “What? What are you thinking about, Virgil? Does juicy bring anything to mind? Logans juicy butthole mayhaps?”

 

Logan sighs from where he’s cuddled up with Virgil. And Roman and Janus look like they are both nursing a headache already. Patton poorly conceals a smile behind his hand.

 

“Oh my god, shut up for once in your damn life-”

 

“Nah. Anyways!” Remus claps his hands together before resing his head in his palms.

 

“Spill what you did or else i make you spill something else if you know what i mean.”

 

Patton hums.

“Cum. I meant cum.” Remus blurts.

 

“We know Remus.” Janus says tiredly.

 

Patton spoke up again. “Anywho, There was this one time where me and some of my friends went around and stole the tires off of cop cars. It became a little game until we got caught, thank the heavens we only got about a week of juvie and then another of community service. It could've been worse looking back.”

 

The other sides looked at a loss for words. Remus looked excited however.

 

“That sounds so fucking fun!”

 

Patton laughs. “It was at the time. But i dont condone it now! Me and my buddies only got off easy because we had a kind officer who knew we were just being dumb kids.”

 

Remus whines. “But i want to steal the pigs tires! ACAB amiright?”

 

Patton snickers before schooling his face into a mock scolding expression. “You are not going to be taking any tires, mister! And not all cops are bad. A couple bad apples dont speak for the whole batch now does it?”

 

Remus huffs. “Okay okay. Yes daddy. Now tell more stories!”

 

Patton ignores the name and opens his mouth to rattle off another tall tale.

 

—------------

 

“Oh! And then” Patton giggles. “Ok so, a bit of context-Me and my friends. Remy, Emile and Thomas. I mentioned them earlier- I still talk to them believe it or not. Anyways! Me and my friends were higher than a kite, right? And we were all at Remy’s house, so we all thought it would be a great idea to watch some horror movies. We were not ready for that experience, lemme tell ya!”

 

—------------

 

“And then there was this other time when Remy and me went to a collage party–Remy is the one that is the coffee addict by the way– and at some point we got roped into seven minutes in heaven right? But we didn’t do anything because we were such good friends we were practically brothers. So we just stood there. Its hilarious now that i think about it again.”

 

—------------

 

“Emile was like the therapist friend. He was so amazing to talk to, he still is! But because he’s so approachable and people tell him everything- he has a LOT of dirt on many different people. So be careful. Like that guy that lives at the end of the road? He’s had five divorces! No shaming but wowie.”

 

—------------

 

“Okay, after this one we all should go to bed. Its almost one in the morning and we have errands to run in the morning. Oh stop groaning, its necessary!”

 

—------------

 

“Thomas was a sweetheart. I dont know how he got wrapped up with our group but he did and i cant say im unhappy with it. Hes absolutely lovely! Oh you all would love him. I feel like all of you could relate heavily to him at least a little bit. Like we all like to sing and there was this one time at karaoke night-”

 

—------------

 

The week that Remus, Janus, and Virgil stayed went by before anyone knew it. And after the three were packed up into Remus’s pick up truck again, they promised they’d come back again soon.

 

Patton smiles as Remus walks up to him, uncharacteristically nervous.

 

“I, Uh, I want your number. Y’know to talk and shit. Because, Uh, Your cool as hell and definitally not as stuck up your ass as i thought you would be.” Remus says, holding out his phone, Seemingly cringing at his own dialogue.

 

Patton smiles softly and takes the phone from Remus to quickly type in the number and save it. Texting himself and giving back the phone.

 

Remus smiles wide and bounces excitedly. Patton can’t help but think its adorable.

 

“Alrighty! See ya later papi! You better dick me down next time we hang out!”

 

Patton rolls his eyes and leans in to give a light kiss to Remus’s cheek. Giggling at how Remus seems to bluescreen at the action.

 

“Alright gays thats enough! Remus get in the truck i wanna go home!”

 

Remus shakes his head roughly and gives a beaming smile to patton before scurrying off and climbing into the front seat of his truck.

 

Patton practically skipped inside once he couldn’t hear Remus’s obnoxiously loud heavy metal music anymore.

 

“PATTON WHY IS REMUS SAYING THAT HE’S YOUR BITCH NOW?! AND NOW HE’S SAYING-OH MY GOD-I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT! I'M GOING TO BLOCK HIM-”

Notes:

Kudos and comments are appreciated <3

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