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The woman looked so out of Chandler's league he felt like a sack of potatoes in comparison, and he had to make an effort not to pinch himself in public to check if he was dreaming. Joey's date looked equally stunning, and as if that hadn't been enough, Joey had made a real effort and put on a proper suit. To give off a film star vibe, as he put it when Chandler had stared at him. Now Chandler was on a double date sitting opposite of this attractive woman who was his date, his feet occasionally brushing against Joey's feet under the table, and it was a miracle he wasn't hyperventilating or making a scene from the overload of it all.
The date hadn't gone terribly well but it hadn't turned into a disaster yet. Of course, the night was still young. Ask again when the night had reached the golden years. They had made it through the first course and nobody had choked on anything or said anything offensive, and his date, Amberlynne or something—he prayed to himself he wouldn't have to spell it out anywhere—hadn't run away because of his jokes. In his world, this was already very close to a successful date.
The operative word being, of course, 'yet'. It hadn't become a disaster yet. But they always did, one way or another, or his name wasn't Chandler Bing. There was a certain comfort in that knowledge. It meant he was always prepared.
"Brandee mentioned you have another friend. He's an orthopedist or something?" Amberlynne asked, looking at both Chandler and Joey.
Orthopedist? The only friend Chandler could think of besides Joey, and Joey was sitting right next to Chandler, was Ross, and he was no orthopedist.
"No, I think you misunderstood. I meant Ross, he's kind of like a bone doctor," Joey corrected.
He's a what? Chandler frowned at Joey but after a couple of seconds it clicked. Bless that man.
"Ross is a doctor, yes," he said to his date. "But he's a paleontologist. He's into dinosaurs and other, uh, very old stuff."
"Like I said, a dinosaur bone doctor," Joey said grinning as if it made perfect sense. And it did. In his head.
"So, what did you want to know about our doctor friend Ross?" Chandler tried to redirect the discussion into something that made sense to all participants, not just Joey.
It turned out there was another friend, just as single as these two, and maybe they could exchange some numbers and make a thing happen.
"Her name's not Janice, is it?" Chandler asked sharply, shuddering at the thought, and Joey turned to look at him, eyes wide, then at the women.
"No?" Brandee said. "Her name is Allie."
"Oh, thank God," Chandler sighed with relief. "I mean, what a lovely name."
"We'll tell her," Brandee said with a careful smile.
Joey nodded, trying to fit an entire meatball into his mouth... while he was still chewing on the previous meatball. He seemed to enjoy his meal enormously. Maybe more than his date, even. What Chandler saw in this guy, he wasn't sure, but he had never pretended to be the smartest guy with the best taste in people. Plus, this was Joey. Who didn't like Joey? Turns out even these gorgeous women liked Joey enough to go on a double date with him and drag a friend along, and they were already planning to add a third pair to the group. Joey was great! Unattainable, but great.
The waiter appeared out of nowhere, a twenty-something blond, and he was standing way too close and giving Chandler the oddest look, the intensity of which Chandler recognized all too well from his younger years.
"Everything good here? Anything I could get you, anything you'd like to give a try?" he asked with a strange half-wink, and as he shuffled about his knee brushed against Chandler's repeatedly, making Chandler instinctively move away, so now Chandler's knee was brushing against Joey's, and Joey put his hand on it and patted it, and who the hell invented tables this small?
"Everything's great," he said, looking up at the guy's face with a smile he hoped didn't look like a grimace because it sure as hell felt like one.
"Actually, could we get more wine?" Joey asked, and the women nodded in agreement. "Make it a whole bottle. And maybe desserts soon?"
Finally the waiter disappeared and Chandler sighed.
"That waiter really likes you," Joey said in a low voice so the women wouldn't hear him, leaning so close that Chandler could feel the warmth of his breath on the side of his neck.
"Shut up," Chandler replied through his teeth.
"Hey, the guy has taste," Joey said with a wink, then focused on his food again, and his date, and Chandler wanted to loosen his tie because he felt like he was suffocating.
"So, Ross," Joey said. "He's a nice guy. Good kisser, highly recommend." He smirked and nodded suggestively, looking almost smug, and Chandler nearly choked on his wine, coughing and gasping for air until finally the tickling in this throat subsided.
Their dates were both looking at Joey now, ignoring Chandler's suffering, and Joey nodded, looking even more smug if possible.
"Is that so?" Brandee asked slowly, then looked at Amberlynne.
Joey nodded, then took another bite, and Chandler emptied the rest of his glass in one gulp.
"I think I need to use the ladies' room. If you'll excuse us," Brandee said with a polite smile, standing up with her purse, with Amberlynne doing the same.
After a few minutes, the women still hadn't returned, and Joey broke the silence.
"You think they hold each other's hands or cheer while they pee?"
"What?" Chandler asked, surprised that he was still capable of being surprised by anything Joey said.
"Women. They always use the bathroom in pairs."
"I don't think that's why they do it, no," Chandler said, trying to sound serious.
But it was obvious Joey was already thinking of it, judging by the wistful smile on his face.
"Joey, listen to me. They're not coming back, we've been dumped," Chandler said, feeling like he was telling his kid their pet dog had gone to live on a nice farm and wouldn't be returning because it was really happy there. Not that their dates were dogs, of course, and why was he thinking this now?
"What do you mean? There's still dessert! They have to come back for dessert!"
"I don't know, Joey, maybe you telling them how great a kisser Ross is wasn't such a great idea."
The words came out cooler than Chandler wanted. It was a stupid thing to feel jealous about but it had stung, hearing that. How did Joey know about Ross's kissing abilities anyway? Ross had turned him down when Joey had asked for a practice kiss, and Chandler had turned him down because hell if he was going to jump eagerly at the first real opportunity without looking desperate. He had regeretted saying no, and now he was starting to regret it even more because clearly something had happened that Chandler wasn't aware of.
"But I was just telling the truth?" Joey said.
Yeah, so many regrets. Chandler closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then turned sideways to properly look at Joey and damn, they really were sitting very close to each other, weren't they? Both his knees were touching Joey's thigh now, and he resisted the urge to pull away. There was no reason. Joey wouldn't mind. He didn't know.
"They probably think you're gay," Chandler began. "Hell, they probably think we're both gay."
It wouldn't be completely untrue.
As if he had been standing aside and waiting for the secret password, the waiter appeared from somewhere to hover over Chandler.
"Ah, those two. They're such a stunning couple," he said with a smile, offering them the bottle of wine they had requested. Joey took it and tried to put it on the table, but Chandler took it off his hands and filled his glass to the brim, wondering if he could take Amberlynne's glass too. "It's so refreshing to see double dates like yours."
"Like ours?" Joey asked, because it always took him a while longer to get there. Chandler had been there for approximately seven excruciating minutes now, and counting.
"Oh you know," the waiter began, then lowered his voice. "Gays and lesbians. We get so many straight couples doing their thing that I feel out of place sometimes."
"But we're not—" Joey began with a frown, looking confused, but Chandler interrupted him before he could get any further.
"Thank you for the wine," he said in a louder voice than he had intended, putting on his best and brightest smile, the fakeness of it hurting his face. "We'll manage from here."
The waiter gave a strained smile in return. "Let me know when you want your dessert," he said, then disappeared into wherever waiters went when they weren't serving, probably the kitchen.
"Why would he..?" Joey began, looked between the two of them and at Chandler's knees against his thigh, and the direction their dates had gone, and Chandler saw the sliding scale of expressions, starting from confusion, going past grasping for thoughts and nearly getting it, and landing in the expression that told Chandler he had finally understood it. He looked up at Chandler. "Oh! Right!" Under ten minutes. Not his worst, actually.
Here they were, alone on a double date, and the night hadn't even reached middle-age.
"You want to leave?" Chandler asked him, readjusting his position to sit properly, resisting the urge to lean his elbows against the table and look at it morosely like he was some sad drunk sitting on a barstool in some dive.
"What, and miss the chocolate fondant? I don't think so," Joey said, looking way more content than Chandler was feeling. How was he not affected?
The waiter returned, and Chandler braced himself for more flirting, but the man didn't say anything, he only took away the plates and glasses, leaving behind a cleared out table with no signs that four people had recently sat around it. The last remains of their double date that had begun so well had truly disappered into thin air like none of it had even existed.
"What's your deal with Ross anyway," Chandler finally asked, feeling exposed, but he had to know.
"What are you talking about? There's no deal," Joey replied, and for once Chandler wished he could understand Joey even better than he already did. There were still things he didn't get.
"Obviously you've kissed," Chandler said, feeling himself get flustered, hoping the low, warm lighting of the restaurant would hide most of it.
"Yes, once. Back when I asked you guys, and you both said no, he came later and kissed me. I had to tell him it didn't matter because I'd alredy auditioned and didn't get the part."
"And he was good?" Chandler stared at the table, refusing to look at Joey.
"I guess," Joey replied. "For a guy. I mean I'm not into him at all, if that's what you're thinking. But you have to advertise a friend, right?"
Finally, some good news, if you could call any of that 'good'.
"I wasn't thinking that," Chandler said, even though it wasn't the entire truth.
"Well, good. Cause I'm not. He's not exactly my type."
Chandler nodded.
The waiter made another sneak attack and appeared out of thin air, it seemed, now with a wide grin on his face, like he had been fueling himself up for the grand finale. It was time for desserts, and for some reason this guy seemed really excited about it.
Joey ordered a chocolate fondant, then corrected that he would like three of them, making Chandler wonder where he was going to stuff all that after the dinner he had just devoured. But he had learned not to question Joey and his food, so he said nothing. He chose lemon cheesecake.
When the waiter brought the desserts—Joey dug right in, without hesitation, and Chandler agreed they looked delicious—he leaned in closer and Chandler could smell his aftershave now.
"I couldn't help overhearing you two earlier," he began, and Chandler could feel himself freezing up. Here it comes. "Sorry I mistook you for a couple."
Huh, not the line Chandler had expected. He relaxed a little. Maybe this wasn't going anywhere terrible.
"We're closing soon," he said, looking around. Chandler had to agree the place was starting to look empty. There was an elderly couple in one of the tables on the other side of the room, and a single woman with her back towards them in another, and Chandler and Joey were the third table. "I don't have any plans for tonight, so I was wondering if you..."
There it was. This really was his 17th birthday all over again.
"Sorry, I don't think.." he began, then hesitated. He didn't want to embarrass the guy any more than necessary, so he tried to choose his words carefully. "I have other plans."
Well, he did. He was going to go home, he was going to shower, and he was going to sleep for as long as it took for him to forget this evening had ever happened. He was prepared to try sleeping for two weeks straight if necessary.
"How about next Friday? Or Saturday? Or you pick a day. You're really cute, you know?"
"I, uh.." Chandler began, appreciating the compliment but wanting nothing more than to disappear. He hated turning people down like this. Hated it. Maybe he should go on one date, just to get it over with, and then stop answering the guy's calls like a jackass. That was a sort of plan, wasn't it? Not a great plan, admittedly.
No, he decided. He had to be firm. He had to say no. He opened his mouth and he was going to say a polite you're sweet but no thank you, but before he could get a single word out he felt hands on his face, and lips on his, and he was too shocked to do anything about it, but he could swear he tasted chocolate and he hadn't eaten a bite of his dessert yet, and his dessert wasn't even supposed to taste like chocolate.
Then the kiss was over, just as abruptly.
"He can't go out with you, he's busy," Joey said loudly, and Chandler looked at him, startled, licking at his lower lip. "With me. See?" And then Joey kissed Chandler again, slower this time, pulling him closer, and now Chandler could feel his tongue with his, and the kiss felt amazing, and Chandler was sure one of them made a muffled sound. Or maybe it was the waiter.
Joey broke the kiss and Chandler opened his eyes, unprepared to see Joey look at him like that, and he had to pull away to not get pulled in, out of breath, but the touch of Joey's fingers on his skin still lingered. The feet of the chair screeched when they scraped against the floor, and he cleared his throat, then let out a deep breath to steady himself. He saw the waiter's expression of utter disappointment.
"Sorry. My mistake," the waiter said, raising his hands in defeat and taking a step away, and as relieved as Chandler felt to finally get that distance, he also felt bad for the guy.
"Don't worry about it, you didn't know."
Hell, who did?!
The waiter nodded, turning to leave, when Joey stopped him.
"Could we get these to go?" he asked, pointing at the plates on the table. Chandler looked at his face and saw from his expression that they would be leaving. The night was over, just like that. The waiter sighed, but in a few minutes they had their desserts packed into a nice box. Joey paid the whole bill, even though Chandler offered to pay for at least half of it.
Without a word, they got dressed and left the restaurant, and soon they were standing in the street, by a quiet and shady alleyway away from the bigger crowds, looking around. They should probably hail for a cab. Joey was carrying the bag with the box, swinging it lightly, while Chandler was standing with his hands in his coat pockets.
"What the hell was that?" Chandler broke the silence, looking at Joey, waiting for the punchline to whatever joke Joey was having at his expense. The sooner he got it out of the way, the better. But Joey looked unusually serious and like he was out of balance. Chandler definitely was.
Joey shrugged, looking down.
Chandler raised his shoulders in an exaggerated, sarcastic shrug. Then he repeated the gesture and raised his brows in a question. Really, that was the only answer he got, a shrug?
"That guy was hitting on you."
"I'm aware. I'm sure the old couple on the opposite side of the room is aware."
"Did you want to go out with him?" Joey asked, looking suspicious.
"No! Of course not," Chandler replied, confused.
"Then why are you so upset?"
What? What was that supposed to mean?
"I'm not upset!" Chandler said, hearing his own voice and how upset it sounded. "I'm sorry. I'm not upset," he said with a softer tone.
"Was it that bad?" Joey asked, frowning, and as fluent as Chandler usually was at speaking Joey, he was completely lost now.
"No, of course not." He bit his tongue so he wouldn't make a joke about chocolate being incapable of being bad, ever. This didn't feel like the time and place for jokes.
"But you pulled away," Joey said.
No, he didn't... And then it all made sense. He had pulled away, right after. It had been because he had to or he would become obvious, not because he didn't want to keep doing it. But how was Joey supposed to know any of that? For him, Chandler had pulled away, then become silent, and now he was yelling at him in the street. No wonder he was upset.
He had two options. Either he would figure out some half lie to hide the truth, or he would tell the truth. He knew what he wanted to do but he was afraid it wouldn't be the right thing to do.
"I'm sorry," he said. "And thank you for saving me."
Joey nodded, giving him a small smile and relaxing a little, looking more like himself again.
"Should we get a cab?" Chandler asked, but before he could step out of the alleyway, Joey stopped him with a hand on his elbow.
"Wait."
Chandler stopped, looking down at the hand.
"You know what's weird?" Joey asked, and Chandler looked up at him. "It didn't feel weird. I thought it would, but it didn't feel weird at all. How weird is that?"
Stop saying weird, it's weird, Chandler wanted to say but he knew he really shouldn't.
He could feel his heart starting to race, because he thought he knew what was coming, because he knew how to speak Joey, and this was Joey doing his thinking and coming to a conclusion in his own way.
"It's not weird," he said, feeling incredibly exposed.
"It's not?" Joey asked, brows jumping high like he hadn't expected that answer at all.
Chandler shook his head. He wanted to lift his hand so badly, wanted to bridge the gap between them, but he couldn't.
"Would it, uhh. Would it be weird if we did it again?"
Chandler shook his head again.
Joey looked at him, first suspicious, then the penny dropped. About time, Chandler thought, trying to contain the joy he felt when Joey walked closer and touched his face, giving an awkward laugh as he traced Chandler's jawline with his fingertips. Even when Chandler could have stood there doing that for the rest of the evening, he couldn't wait any longer, so now he lifted his hand and pulled Joey closer for a kiss, and this time he was in no hurry to end it. He could hear the thump of something falling on the ground but it didn't matter because he was too busy kissing Joey Tribbiani to care about desserts.
Finally he pulled away, realized where they were, and hoped nobody had seen or paid any attention to them. It didn't seem like it. He saw the bag on the ground.
"You still gonna eat those?" he asked, and it took Joey a moment to understand what he was saying.
Without a word, Joey picked up the bag. "Hell yes. Of course I am."
"So," Joey said, trailing his hand up along the front of Chandler's coat, and he had that same look Chandler used to see when he was chatting up his dates. All that was missing was the "How you doin'?" He wiggled his brow suggestively. "My place or yours?"
His flirting was up to eleven now but his situational awareness was a solid six.
"Joey, we live in the same apartment," Chandler said, looking Joey in the eye. "Your place is my place."
"Right," Joey said, chuckling awkwardly.
"Your room or mine?" Chandler asked in return.
"Yours. No, mine! No! Both?"
"Ah, you're more optimistic than I am. But we can definitely try."
Suddenly, Joey was in a hurry to get a cab, and Chandler didn't stop him.