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chip's always heard love stories. heard how love is supposed to feel, how that desire to be with another person can be so overwhelming, so consuming. that need is so aspired to, a status everyone clamors to get.
typically he's the type to say he doesn't need that, however. he'd never really felt any of that desire in any sort of way for....just about anyone. that burning flame of love never warmed his cheeks, that physical feeling of being drawn toward someone, wanting to....ugh. he doesn't even want to think about what that actually entails. it sounds nice in theory, but....eugh.
so why does this feel different?
his eyes flick against his co-captain so softly, that teal skin like a sea made humanoid, those seaweed tresses still floating like they're in water, those times they crackle with static when they're priming for a smite, those eyes that can seem like storms when angry but clear skies when joyous, those swipes of purple across their body forming moons and swirls and all sorts of gorgeous shapes chip wants to trace not just with his eyes, but feel along them with his own hands....
there's a lot chip loves about the one and only gillion tidestrider.
but it doesn't feel....traditional? no love he's ever felt in any sort of way feels traditional. even as he says he doesn't need the stereotypical kinds of love everyone seems to feel. he feels like the odd one out whenever people talk about crushes, about how they love each other romantically, how amazing— eugh —sex was, how everything with that all seemed so perfect and what everyone should have, but....
he didn't feel that way. at least, not in the way that everyone talks about.
because when he thinks about gillion, he feels like he's feeling it romantically, but he just knows he's not. gillion is his best friend, his co-captain, someone chip would trust with his own fucking life, not just some childish crush. it's something so much different than that, but he doesn't know how.
and since he doesn't know shit about any of this, he goes to the one person he thinks might.
enter scene: jay "gets bitches" ferin.
"jay."
the woman herself startles, spinning around from whatever project she was working on—chip knows absolutely dogshit about any of her mechanical mumbo-jumbo—to face him, her stormy blue-grey eyes latching onto his. "gods, chip, you scared the fuck out of me, what the fuck do you want?"
chip promptly drags a stool over to her desk, plopping himself down. "i need love advice."
"ooh, okay, that's acceptable." jay's face splits into a huge grin, one filled with a form of eagerness and almost.... spite?
"you're excited."
"i've been waiting for this."
"that's not ominous at all."
jay chuckles a bit, crossing her arms. "so. this is about gil, isn't it?"
chip feels his face warm ever so slightly. "you're a dick, y'know that?"
"i'm smart, is all."
"you're annoying. even if it was gil, though, would that change anything?"
that smile of jay's grows softer, a soft sigh escaping her lips.
“no, i’m just teasing,” she says, brushing her hair out of her face. “no matter who it is, honestly i’m happy for—”
“what if this wasn’t your usual definition of love?”
jay’s eyebrows raise. “does that need to make a difference?”
“i’m just seeing if you’d give me any different advice if it wasn’t how you probably experience love.”
jay tugs out her ponytail, the orange hue spilling over her shoulders like a liquid sunset. she gently reaches over to chip, slipping one of his hands into her own. chip exhales softly, swallowing as jay meets his eyes.
“the way you feel love doesn’t matter, how you experience it does. i’ll help however i can, okay? even if it doesn’t help, at least you reached out for some.” jay’s voice is low, her thumb lightly gliding against chip’s palm. chip lightly bites his lip, wiping at the small tears at the corners of his eyes.
“so, ah....yeah, this is about gil, but that doesn’t matter. what does matter is how this has all been going." he pauses. "that’s weird wording, what i’m trying to say is that— you know how i’m always saying that i’ve never like actually had a crush on anyone or anything like that?”
jay patiently nods.
“yeah, so that’s what i thought, until gil showed up, and now my entire life has been thrown on its head because of them and i don’t even know what the fuck i feel around him but he makes me feel like....some sort of way that’s kind of like how people describe crushes or whatever? but i know that’s not what it is because i just know it’s not because it's not and—”
“hey, hey, relax, chip.” jay takes her other hand and wipes at chip’s cheek, her hand coming away wet.
he hadn’t even realized he’d been crying.
“take your time, dude. don’t feel like you have to rush yourself, okay? we’ve got all the time in the world. we don't even have to do this right now if you don’t want.”
“no, no, i want to do this now.” chip wipes at his face, sniffing. “it’s just— i don’t know what to call any of this because this doesn’t feel like how it’s supposed to, y’know?”
“yeah, yeah, i get that, don’t worry.” jay softly scratches the back of chip’s neck, her having slid her hand to the place it was now. he gently leans into her, a soft sigh escaping him.
"it just feels....i don't know. i feel like i'm weird for this."
"you're not weird, you're just feeling things people feel differently, and that's okay." to chip's observation, jay's voice has significantly softened. she slides her hand off chip's neck as she brings her seat closer to chip, slipping her arm around his shoulders and pulling him into a side hug. "if you're comfortable with it, do you want to share specifics or do you just want help with something else surrounding this?"
"i....i don't know. sorry, gods, i keep saying that, but i really, actually don't know. i want to tell him, yeah, but i'm fucking scared they'll, like—"
"chip, just stop. i know i was being nice and shit, but you need to get this through your thick skull. gillion is one of the nicest people i've ever met and he's grown to be one of the most accepting people. even if they don't reciprocate, they'll be so, so nice about it. but, if i'm being truly honest, i don't think that'll happen."
"what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" chip turns his head to face jay, her expression gentle with a light smile teasing her lips.
"it means that i think gil may...." her gaze turns to the doorway at a creak. "ah, i'll let you see for yourself."
chip shifts his gaze to where jay's rested, panic shooting up his spine at the familiar—and stupidly gorgeous—face of gillion tidestrider.
their face is slightly flushed, hair falling around his face and out of their bun. he smiles when their gaze catches on his co-captains, a light exhale slipping from their lips. "ah! there you two are, i've been looking for you."
jay stands, clapping chip on his shoulder. "you have fun. wish you luck."
"wh— jay!" chip nearly screeches, feeling his face warm as jay slips out of the room.
and the two of them are left alone.
"what was....that all about?" gillion raises an eyebrow, those bright blue eyes catching chip's.
"it's just— long story." chip wipes his hand down his face. "we had a little talk."
gillion raises their other eyebrow. "....about?"
chip takes a sharp inhale. "i think you....may want to sit down."
gillion's eyebrows furrow as he takes a seat on one of the closest cots, coincidentally being chip's. chip slips off his chair and sits down next to them.
"so.... fuck, this is hard, it's— god, okay, so....basically, i uh...." chip groans into his hands and he shoves his face into his palms. "i like you. in a way. of a sort. god, fuck, i can't fucking think right now—"
"hey, hey, it's okay!" chip's hands are pulled away from his face by a cold yet feather-light grip, bright blue eyes full of concern as gillion speaks. "you....like me? like, as a friend, a co-captain, as a—"
"that's my fucking problem, gil, i don't know what the fuck any of this means!" chip throws himself backward onto the mattress, tossing an arm over his eyes. "me and jay were talking about it but then she ditched me because you came in, not that i'm mad at you, and so now i don't have the fucking words for any of this and all i know is that, in some way, shape, or form, i am desperately fucking in love with you and i don't know how to come to terms with that!"
as chip slides his arm up onto his forehead, he catches gillion's still concerned expression, their cheeks lightly dusted with a darker teal, those painter-perfect swipes of purple across his face standing out even more so. "if i sound rude at all, please let me know, but if you're not ready to talk about this yet, we don't have to right now. we live on a literal ship in the literal ocean, so we kind of have all of the time in the world."
chip wipes his face again, it being once again wet with tears he didn't realize he was shedding. he sniffs, sitting up. "is it okay? if we can just....wait a bit? i don't think i'm fully, like....fuck, what's the damn word....oh, composed enough to fucking do this right now." he lets out a wet laugh. "i'm such a fucking idiot."
"what i will say now is that you are far from an idiot. i'd continue, but i don't want to accidentally make this any worse for you, so for now i will leave you alone, okay?" gillion says, voice low. "come find me if you're ready, if you even want to continue this conversation, alright?"
chip nods, swallowing a sob. "thanks, man. seriously."
"take your time, chip. i'll be here if or when you're okay."
and they leave the room, making chip alone with his thoughts.
god. fucking. dammit.
gillion quietly sits down on the deck, wiping their own face with their hand. he felt bed about leaving chip alone, yes, but he was clearly not mentally ready to talk about what he was trying to get across. gillion wanted him to have time to compose himself and know what he wanted to say. wasn't that fair?
"gil?"
the familiar voice of one jay ferin resonates from behind gillion. they turn their head to her, flashing a weak smile. "hey, jay."
"is everything okay?" jay sits down next to him, pushing her hair out of her face.
gillion exhales sharply in a sort of laugh. "could be better."
"gods, what happened in there?"
"chip was quite visibly not ready to talk about....whatever you two were discussing, so i left him and gave him some time to compose himself." gillion tenses slightly, meeting jay's eyes. "was that wrong of me?"
"no, no, you're perfectly fine for doing that. i was just worried because i heard him crying and now you're just sitting here like you're contemplating the secrets of the universe or something." jay cracks a small smile, which gillion quietly laughs at.
"i just wanted to be sure that he'd be ready to tell me all he wanted to tell me, is all."
jay sighs, clapping gillion's shoulder. "if anyone's the dick here, it'd be me. i'm the one who ditched him in his time of need, which, thinking back on it, was a complete dick move of me. i, yeah, was most definitely an asshole for that. gods, i should go check on him."
jay stands, licking her lips. "i'll be back— but, ah, hey...." she brings her gaze back down to gillion, who looks right back. "let him speak his mind or....something, okay? let him get his thoughts out."
gillion smiles. "i will, of course."
jay creaks the door to the captains' quarters open as quietly as possible, seeing chip half-sprawled across his cot. he peeks his head up at the sound of her entrance, sighing and letting his head fall back down. "you here to leave me in my time of need again?"
"that was shitty of me, i've realized, but i'm here to finish our conversation, if you're okay with it?" jay asks, gently closing the door and walking over to where chip lay. he makes a sound, one she takes as meaning go ahead and sits down on the mattress next to him. she tucks her legs under her, extending a hand to card through chip's, now oddily sweaty, hair.
"i just....i fucked everything up."
"no you did not, chibo. me and gil talked, and they left because he wanted you to have time to compose yourself."
"still." chip takes his arm off his eyes, laying it next to him. "i fucking love them so much but it's not romantic. it feels like i just really want to be close with him, in like a non-sexually intimate way. like all the stuff in a romance without the romance, y'know?"
jay nods, scratching at chip's scalp softly as he continues. "and i feel like an utter weirdo because i've never heard love be described like this anywhere ever. i feel like i need to tell them, but i don't want to fuck anything we already have up, especially because he's so special to me in a way that i can't put my finger on."
"you don't have to have a label for your love, y'know," jay notes, "for the longest time i never used a label for myself because i didn't know one existed, but some people never use labels at all. take drey, for instance."
"drey's a whole different fucking story. they're their own sort of person."
"doesn't matter. they're just proof that you can be whatever you want and not have to confine yourself to one thing. feel how you do, express yourself however, fall in love in any way that you want to. you're perfectly okay no matter what, alright?"
chip sniffs, nodding lightly. "yeah." his voice breaks, and he clears his throat before continuing. "i just— god, fuck that, thank you. so much.” he softly exhales. “i love you too, y'know. as, like, a sister, almost."
jay feels her mouth widen into a soft smile. "i love you too, chip. like my little brother."
"ah, fuck off, ferin." chip lightly smacks her with a soft laugh, sobering quite quickly. "thanks. by the way. for, y'know, coming back. not just being a shit and leaving me again."
jay chuckles. "i realized i couldn't just leave you without finishing what i wanted to say, or without you getting the reassurance you needed." she pauses. "what i was saying when i left is something i'll leave out, though. for reasons that you can find out yourself."
"yeah, that's fair." chip cracks his own smile, reaching his hand up to muss jay's hair. "thanks, jaybird. i know i can always count on you."
jay exhales fondly. "d'you wanna just stay here for a bit? relax?"
chip nods. "i'd like that."
and so they do. they lie there, chip shifting his head into jay’s lap as she smooths his hair gently.
and not too long after, maybe five minutes, maybe ten, maybe thirty, they’re both out like a light.
that familiar squeak of the captains' quarters door startles gillion ever so slightly, a clearing of the throat making their attention shift to whoever had shown up behind them. a sigh of relief sounds from their throat, however.
“hey.” chip smiles down at them, a smile small on his face as he extends his hand. “is now a bad time?”
gillion takes his hand and rises from where he was sitting. “it’s alright. i wasn’t doing much anyways, just....”
“sitting here?”
“basically.” gillion lets out a soft laugh, nodding.
chip awkwardly shifts on the heels of his feet, swallowing. “so, do you wanna, uh....sit back down? or go somewhere else? i dunno, just—”
“we can sit.”
chip awkwardly plops onto the deck, quietly hissing in pain. gillion chuckles, sitting down gently next to him. “take all the time you need to explain, if that’s what you’re here for.”
chip nods, clearing his throat. “so....it’s....god, this is so fucking hard.”
“as i said, take your time.”
“yeah, yeah, okay, thank you, seriously.” chip takes in a deep breath, exhaling with a sigh. "it's just....i like you. a lot. and most people would say 'as more than a friend,' but that's just not right for how i feel, y'know?" gillion nods. chip nods along with them, swallowing. "it's not like it's more than that, it's like....i just want to be really close with you. like a friendship with the benefits of a romantic relationship, that non-sexual intimacy that everyone always associates with love and shit, you get me?"
gillion smiles, placing one of his hands on top of chip's. "i understand, do not worry. just take your time."
chip nods again, this time a bit more rapidly. “i hesitate to say love because then you may just throw everything i just said out the window when i really did mean it, but i really do mean it when i say i love you.” he pauses. “gods, i’m probably making no sense right now.”
“you’re making sense!” gillion reassures, giving the hand of chip’s he’d laid his own upon a light squeeze. “i do know what you mean, you have no reason to worry. i am simply letting you speak and get your thoughts out however you need to.” chip softly groans, shoving his face in his hands. gillion smiles softly, taking their hand and sliding it onto his back, rubbing small circles in a comforting manner.
“i just don’t really....know how to explain it. i love you and i want a relationship with you but not in a romantic way and i hate that i don’t have the words for it.” chip mumbles into his palms.
“we don’t need words, though, do we?” gillion says, “we can just.... be, i guess.”
“you never just want to be, though.”
“how do you know?”
“you’re always on and on about destiny and shit, and—”
“that has nothing to do with love for each other.”
“i don’t know, man, i’m just spitballing.”
“as to why i shouldn’t love you back or why you shouldn’t love me?”
“both? neither? i don’t know anymore.”
gillion sighs, moving his hand up to chip’s shoulder. “chip. look at me.”
warm brown eyes peer over at him through scarred, calloused fingers.
“what.” there’s no real malice or anger in his voice. simply just exhaustion.
“i need you to realize that you are perfectly fine, okay? you can love however you want, or however you simply do, and i will never judge.”
“is this your way of letting me down slowly?”
“this is my way of saying that i love you too.”
chip’s breath audibly hitches in his throat. “you....?”
gillion nods, softly squeezing chip’s shoulder. “it’s not far off from the way you feel, as well. you have absolutely no reason to worry about being turned away or having your feelings unrequited, at least with me.” they give a gentle smile. “i’ve loved since i laid eyes on you. you changed my life that moment you extended your hand to me for the better. i thought everything i’d ever worked toward was useless and for nothing until you. you showed me new colours, new people, new ways of life, and practically made me anew.” a soft exhale. “there’s so much more i could say, but i just want you to know you’re loved, okay? you’re safe with me. your emotions, your experiences, your love, are all safe with me.” another shoulder squeeze. “and if i didn’t make it clear enough, i love you. and nothing will ever change that.”
he lightly kisses the top of chip’s head as the latter almost collapses into them, quiet tears streaking his face.
“i love you too,” chip whispers. “so fucking much.”
the sun peeks over the horizon, bathing the deck in a warm golden glow. drey, at this point, has grown a habit of watching almost every sunrise and sunset they can, so this wasn’t unusual. a welcome light in the darkness they’re used to.
they shift the door open, yawning wide as they rub their eyes on their shoulder. shadows catch their gaze, however, in the form of two of their co-captains sprawled on the deck. no visible sign of injury, which is good, but their positioning makes drey sigh.
“fuckin’ hell....” they mumble. “fuckin’ owe that foot juicer 20 gold....”
“ehh, take that, you fuckin’ bitch!” earl’s voice calls from the kitchen. “knew those dumbasses would work it out.”