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from the age of 16, junhui recalled having nightmares. he didn"t remember them well in the beginning, would just wake up with a chill up his spine and a pressure in his chest he couldn"t lift. but as he got older, smarter, the nightmares grew with him. took shape, weighing down his limbs, creeping into his senses.
his favorite pork siu-maai was too bland. the ocean by their house was too loud. the air conditioner, too cold, and his grandmother’s hands, too hot.
his mother eventually took him to see a shaman in japan right before high school ended. some middle-aged woman who turned his granduncle"s career luck around. junhui"s father insisted it was a scam, but his mother had pleaded.
"our son is sick? can"t you see that?" she had said.
junhui thinks she was desperate. he thinks he was too, must"ve been, considering the fact that he really thought he was cursed.
his father gave in and junhui ended up at a temple a few hours outside of kyoto. he was the only one allowed inside.
he doesn"t remember much of the session exactly. he knows he held hands the woman’s hands, drank what was in the bowl she gave him, and read some words from a cloth-bound book. but things after that are blurry.
supposedly, he passed out. junhui does not doubt that part as he associates that day with being so dizzy he felt that the earth was collapsing in on itself. the strange thing is the fact that the shaman had woken him up after his 20-minute "nap" only to tell him in a convoluted manner that what he had was a case of "very bad luck."
and 17-year-old junhui may not have been the brightest kid, but he knew what bad luck was. bad luck was stepping in dog shit after buying brand-new white shoes. bad luck was getting caught in a sudden storm on the walk back from school. bad luck was rolling a one when he plays board games with his little brother.
bad luck isn"t falling asleep and feeling a faceless creature"s hand on your throat night after night. it also isn"t the sensation of someone"s nails digging into your skin after you"ve stayed awake for 48 hours.
but regardless, whatever it was, it got better after he saw that shaman.
sleeping didn"t feel like torture anymore and junhui could classify what happened to him at night as less like possession and more like night terrors. just another rough night.
that lasted for six months. then he had to go back to japan. another talisman slapped into his hand, another wish of good luck, and then things got easier again. the cycle went on for years. his mother prayed for him every night, and there were talismans above his bed and jade animals in every single one of his bags. nothing changed for the remainder of his teenage years and junhui thought they never would. he figured when he was in his third year of university that this was going to be the rest of his life: sleeping, waking up screaming, going around drained, getting "fixed" by the shaman, and then the same thing again.
but then, at age 21, at his semiannual shaman meeting, the woman tells him something different.
"go to korea. move there. the nightmares will disappear."
junhui trusts the shaman at a surface level. he knows her name, koume, meaning good fortune, but other than that, she was just a person he had always been skeptical of. she helps him, sure, but can you really measure help with things like this?
yet this time, when she tells junhui to leave his hometown of shenzhen and go to a foreign country, he really believes that this is the solution he has been looking for. maybe it was something about how she said it or the dark circles around his mother"s eyes. either way, he tells his parents and they agree immediately.
he drops out of school and goes alone to korea—the shaman insisted on this as well—at the beginning of autumn. he moves into a studio apartment an hour north of seoul and has nightmares for the first four days that he hardly remembers when he wakes up. it"s like he is 12 years old again and junhui doesn"t know if he"s grateful or terrified.
he still cries out of relief.
junhui has enough courage to explore the town on the fifth day, and the strangest and most fortunate thing happens to him as he"s waiting for his food at a chinese restaurant.
a stranger sits in front of him in his tiny booth. white-blonde hair past his ear and looking like a painting come to life, with elegant features, dark eyes, and long lashes. he doesn"t flinch at the way junhui almost spills his glass of water all over himself at the surprise of an uninvited guest.
he just smiles like he"s reuniting with an old friend and asks the waitress for an empty plate.
this is junhui"s first meeting with yoon jeonghan.
"my name is yin jinghan." very friendly for a guy who is currently stealing all of the beef in junhui"s lou-min.
"i"m wen junhui." he realizes now, after the initial shock and shaky introduction, that the man in front of him is speaking chinese. he answers junhui"s question before the other can get it out.
"my chinese is pretty good. so this will do, right? how"s your korean?"
junhui blinks, wondering if this man heard him order earlier. "it"s not good."
"you"ll learn it in time. there"s quite a few words that sound similar in both languages, actually. like "cheers." geonbae, gonbui, they"re pretty close, don"t you think?"
"i suppose," junhui answers. he looks down at his plate. "if you"re going to take all of the meat, can"t you at least take some vegetables too?"
the blond"s chopsticks halt for only a moment as if thinking it over. "you"re a growing young man. you need them more than i do."
"you can"t be that much older than me," junhui says, eating a piece of onion anyway. he thinks the familiarity of the language is the reason he"s letting his guard down.
"i have a baby face," jinghan says. "i"m actually over 100-years-old."
"sure," junhui responds.
"i"m serious. i"ve been written about in legends."
his eyes are sincere enough that junhui doesn"t immediately get up and leave.
"okay, i can see you don"t believe me, so i"ll come clean." he sets his chopsticks down and crosses his arms across his chest. "there aren"t any legends about me in specific, because i"m young. but there are about those like me. that"s still got to count for something, right?"
junhui shakes his head.
"tough crowd," jinghan sighs.
"that was a joke?" junhui asks, shoving the last bite of food into his mouth.
"no," jinghan answers. "i"m always very serious."
junhui doesn"t believe him for a second.
"come on, don"t look at me like that." jinghan groans. "and i"m not a cult member."
"that sounds a lot like something a cult member would say," junhui tells him. "not much like a guy in supposed legends."
"well, what if i told you this?" jinghan leans closer. junhui can"t help but look into his eyes as he waits for jinghan to break his dramatic silence. he does it by taking a deep breath and then smiling.
"your nightmares." junhui freezes. "they"ve been better since you"ve arrived here, haven"t they?"
"what are you—"
"it"s thanks to me." jinghan stretches his arms above his head and there is a smug look on his face.
junhui fists the hem of his shirt tightly. he swallows hard. everyone that knows is in china. jinghan shouldn"t be aware of anything about him.
yet the other smiles, knowing. his voice makes something crawl under junhui"s skin. "do you believe me now?"
-
after jinghan promises junhui for the sixth time that he"s not in a cult, he"s allowed inside junhui"s apartment. it took a lot of back and forth, but in the end, the facts were that jinghan knew something he shouldn"t, and junhui"s nightmares had gotten better. besides, jinghan looks lanky enough that junhui could knock him out.
"tell me more about yourself," junhui says, after handing him a glass of water. because despite everything, junhui"s mother still taught him how to be a kind host.
"i"m korean. my name is yoon jeonghan. but being called jinghan is quite nostalgic." junhui sits across from him at his little wooden table on the ground, and rolls around the name yoon jeonghan in his mouth. he feels like something should click but it doesn"t. "i"m also technically 22-years-old, and before you accuse me of being in a cult again, have you heard of baku?"
"baku?"
"their story originate from the mò in chinese folklore." jeonghan waits for junhui to look him in the eye. "they devour dreams, nightmares."
nightmares. junhui"s jaw tenses. he doesn"t like talking about these things, even with his own parents. the nightmares, the fear, they make him feel weak. too vulnerable. a child who never grew out of being afraid of their own shadow.
"and you," he manages to get out. "you"re one of them? you"re a dream-eater?"
jeonghan nods, looking around junhui"s place. his eyes land on one of the talismans on his wall.
"that shaman, koume, did she give you that?" the way he doesn"t verbally confirm leaves junhui stiff. the way he knows koume"s name leaves him wary. junhui almost doesn"t answer until he realizes jeonghan won"t look his way until he does.
"no, my mother got it from a temple her friend recommended."
"ah," jeonghan responds. "you should take it down. won"t do you any good. might attract the wrong kind of energy, honestly."
junhui takes a mental note but doesn"t move.
"you"re really a dream-eater?" he repeats, fists clenched. "please answer my question." jeonghan faces him again. his fingers thrum against the wood surface of the table in a slow rhythm that junhui forces himself not to follow.
"yes," he answers. simple, not quite proud. it is just a fact. like junhui being human. like the sky being blue. "do you trust me?"
"no," junhui says. "but i want to." if koume meant that this is the solution junhui needed, then he would try to accept it, but it wasn"t easy. not when the solution was a guy claiming to be capable of devouring nightmares.
"that"s a good mindset," jeonghan says. "makes it easier for me." he finishes off his glass of water and stands up. "okay, i think i"ve left you with enough information to digest for the day.”
"you-you"re just leaving like this?" junhui stutters, scrambling to get up.
"don"t worry. i"ll see you again soon. maybe we could get coffee the day after tomorrow?" jeonghan suggests. he takes junhui"s phone out of his jean pocket and types in something before giving it back. "my number. feel free to call me if anything strange happens. i"ll do my best to keep your nightmares at bay."
junhui is slack-jawed, not knowing whether he should stop jeonghan from leaving or ask him to never come back. he just grips his phone tighter, watching as jeonghan puts his shoes back on and opens the door.
"i"ll see you, junhui." he gives a small wave, and then he"s gone. junhui thinks it might have been a dream but then he sees the empty glass on the table and sighs.
jeonghan is real, dream-eaters might be real, and junhui isn"t sure what he"ll tell his mother when she calls.
probably about the lou-min he had. it was good, he thinks.
junhui: is this jeonghan?
junhui: it"s junhui
yin jinghan: hi junhui! good to see you finally texting me after a week
junhui: sorry, was sorting things out
yin jinghan: that"s okay. what"s up?
junhui: you said we could get coffee?
yin jinghan: i did! how"s tomorrow at 2pm?
junhui: that works for me
yin jinghan: great, there"s a cafe in seoul that"s lovely
yin jinghan: [map link: _world]
yin jinghan: is that okay?
junhui: yeah, seems nice
yin jinghan: nice! i"ll see you tomorrow!
junhui: see you tomorrow
it takes junhui a one-hour-long bus ride and a ten-minute walk to get to the café. jeonghan is waiting for him outside with a wave. he"s quite eye-catching, with his light hair and stature. people look at them when they walk in and junhui pretends not to notice.
jeonghan orders for them and junhui waits at a table. when jeonghan comes back, he is holding a tray with two iced drinks. his is pink and junhui"s is yellow. it"s sour and refreshing and junhui makes a note to himself of the name in korean.
"let"s play 10 questions," jeonghan says.
"what?"
"it"s a game."
"i know it"s a game," junhui tells him. "that"s why i"m confused. also, isn"t it 20 questions?"
"yes, but that feels like a lot, doesn"t it?" jeonghan says. "you ask me whatever you’d like and then i ask you."
"you just do what you want, don"t you?" junhui responds.
"is that your first question? because if so, yes, i try to," jeonghan answers. junhui purses his lips at unintentionally playing along and decides to just go with it. "what did you study in university?"
"what? um, business," junhui answers.
"did you like it?" jeonghan continues, seeming genuinely curious.
"no, but the coursework was the easiest. besides, i dropped out to come here. wait, was that your second question?"
"i guess so. you catch on quick," jeonghan tells him. junhui sighs but nods along. his next few questions cover what dream-eaters are, how they exist, and how much jeonghan knows about him.
the answers he gets tell him that dream-eaters function similarly to how humans do. they don"t need food or water, but they can eat and drink. and instead of sleeping at night, they devour nightmares. it’s simple, in theory.
jeonghan doesn"t answer questions about family, saying that it"s more complicated than he"s willing to divulge, and junhui can understand that to some degree.
jeonghan also tells junhui some other things about him, some, if not most, being unprompted. it veers the conversation less toward supernatural interview and more toward getting to know your new coworker territory. junhui doesn"t know if he"s doing it on purpose, to avoid the important things junhui wants to know. but if jeonghan"s purpose is to help junhui, then why would he mess with him?
he succumbs to jeonghan"s pace, figures it doesn"t hurt to know someone in this country even if they"re not technically human. but he can"t seem to catch up even when they speak the same language. jeonghan is always a step ahead, one foot out the door. junhui knows this from the fact that the older does the same thing he did the day they met.
"okay, this was very fun, junhui. but i have a movie to catch," jeonghan says. he stands up and junhui is once again scrambling to get out of his seat.
"that"s all?" he asks, flustered.
"i can"t take up all of your time. you should explore the city while you"re here. there"s a lot of things you can do. maybe you"ll make some friends," jeonghan advises, seeming quite proud of making that suggestion.
"i don"t even speak korean," junhui counters.
"you have a kind face. i trust that you"ll figure it out."
before junhui can ask him what that means, jeonghan is up and out the door, not looking back and abandoning junhui in the bustle of seoul. he is perhaps the most confusing person junhui has ever met.
it becomes a thing, the two of them meeting up at different places in the city. each time, jeonghan asks if junhui had nightmares, and each time, junhui says no. he questions jeonghan how it works in more detail, and jeonghan tells him all they really need is proximity. as long as they"re close enough, jeonghan can get rid of his nightmares and junhui can sleep peacefully.
"but what about when i was in china? japan?"
"i used to live in tokyo. i would visit the temple when you were there and put some energy into a talisman. it was like a bandage on a dam kind of situation i suppose," jeonghan says.
junhui stills. "they why didn"t the shaman just tell me to move to japan if the solution was that simple?" he feels betrayed, for some reason.
"for most people, the talismans are enough. but you"re special. we thought it would change after a few years, but then, when they kept coming back, i knew you needed to be closer to me. so i told koume that i was thinking of coming back to korea for a bit and she told you to move. are you liking it so far?" jeonghan takes a sip of his latte and looks at junhui as if the last sentence was the only thing said.
"it"s okay," junhui answers. the worst part is that since everyone assumed he"s korean, he feels pressured to be fluent which he, well, isn"t. but he has gotten very good at saying he doesn"t speak korean and people are usually polite about it. "why am i special?"
"i can"t tell you that yet," jeonghan says. this annoys junhui, but from what he guesses about jeonghan, pushing him to answer will do no good.
"when can you?"
"when i sort things out."
"and what happens when you sort things out?"
"you won"t need to be near me anymore. you can go home and still have peaceful nights."
home. junhui hadn"t thought about how long he would have to stay in korea. he figured a year, maybe two, whatever did the job so his family wouldn"t have to worry anymore.
"that"s good," junhui says.
"you don"t want to be near me?" jeonghan teases.
"i-it"s not that," junhui responds, suddenly flustered. "it"s just that, i could go home. my parents would be happy."
jeonghan nods. "that"s good. i"ve heard shenzhen"s lovely."
"it is," junhui answers. "have you been?"
"once," jeonghan tells him. "before a lot of things happened. i met some nice people there. great food."
junhui smiles, pride swelling for his hometown. "maybe you could go again one day. after this, to visit."
jeonghan stills before a gentle look crosses his face. "i"d like that," he says, and junhui believes it to be the truth.
jeonghan remains consistent in his "making junhui take a bus to meet him only to ditch him there" routine. and each time before he leaves, he insists that junhui stay in the city without him and wander. something about practicing his korean and making friends even though junhui has told him over and over again that he can"t just do that because jeonghan told him to. but jeonghan is as persistent as he is vague.
luckily, junhui lands a job at the chinese restaurant they first met at. the pay is good and the staff all speak chinese. his boss is from guangzhou and the cantonese accent she has when she speaks mandarin is one of the reasons why he calls his parents almost every day despite them telling him it"s alright not to.
at the restaurant, junhui meets xu minghao. he"s not someone junhui met in the city, but he"s a friend. minghao is north chinese and acts like he"s older than junhui despite being the only person at the restaurant younger than him. he likes taking care of bonsai plants and reading self-help books, things junhui has never found interesting, but after a few late-night shifts, they start hanging out outside of work. minghao says they get along because of the compatibility of their moon signs, whatever that means.
another defining trait of minghao"s is that his korean is much better than junhui"s. he acts as a translator and tutor for the older, but the problem is that minghao learned 90% of his korean from 2000s gangster movies and it becomes evident the second he speaks more than three sentences. apparently, his roommate has been trying to unteach him swear words for months now but it isn"t going great.
minghao is still somehow the most normal friend in this country that junhui has, that is, if jeonghan counts as the only other.
minghao sees jeonghan once. it"s in passing when jeonghan and junhui are leaving a café in gangnam together and minghao is with someone junhui thinks is the aforementioned roommate. they briefly greet each other before the younger walks away. jeonghan says nothing and asks junhui who he is when minghao is gone.
"my friend. i met him at work," junhui tells him.
"you didn"t tell me about him."
"yes, i did," junhui says. "minghao. lanky, chinese, has a weird thing about skinny jeans and hair dye. that was him."
"oh." jeonghan nods. "guess i wasn"t paying attention."
"you tell me to make friends all the time, and when i do, you don"t even remember," junhui jokes. but when he thinks about it, he"s always more busy asking jeonghan questions than talking about himself.
jeonghan lets out an amused huff. "that"s my fault then. what did he call you?"
junhui blinks, trying to remember. "oh. jun? he asked me if he could call me that once and i told him i didn"t mind. that"s what my classmates used to call me."
"i see," jeonghan says. "i"m glad you"re finally getting to know people other than me."
"thanks," junhui answers. because what else is there to say to something like that? "i"ll see you then."
"yeah," jeonghan agrees. "have a good afternoon, jun," there is something in the way jeonghan says it that makes it different from minghao, an echo of something strange junhui cannot put a name to. maybe this is jeonghan"s way of confirming he is his friend too.
he is lost in the crowd before junhui can ask.
jeonghan surprises junhui one day by coming to the restaurant just after the lunch rush has ended. he seats himself at one of junhui"s tables.
"what brings you here?" he asks.
"i can"t miss you?" jeonghan says, a corner of his lip curled up like he"s telling a secret only the two of them know.
"you can," junhui replies. he"s getting a little better at this game with jeonghan, whatever it is.
"that"s good," jeonghan smiles. "i would like one plate of laomian please."
"should i ask the kitchen to add some extra beef?"
"will they charge me for it?" he questions. jeonghan is surprisingly stingy for a supernatural being. one of the first korean phrases he taught junhui was "that"s too expensive," and junhui has been instructed to use it whenever possible since. jeonghan says it has worked him wonders in other countries.
"probably. maybe not if i ask really nicely," junhui says.
"are your success rates high?
"we"ll have to see."
"then please do."
junhui smiles before giving jeonghan a glass of water. he then heads to the kitchen to deliver the order. when he does, minghao is standing there, leaning against the counter like he"s caught junhui doing something he shouldn"t.
"you were flirting," he says, pointedly.
"no, i wasn"t." junhui doesn"t even know how to flirt.
"yes, you were. it was terrible to watch. you"re lucky the lunch rush was over or else i would have had to hose the both of you down."
junhui denies it because he doesn"t want to face the meaning of minghao"s accusations if they are correct. luckily, the kitchen prepares the food quickly and he goes back to the dining hall.
he presents jeonghan with his food, and the blond gestures for him to sit down.
"i"m on the clock."
"i"m your only customer."
junhui looks around and sees that it"s true, so he agrees.
"any nightmares?" jeonghan asks.
"no,” junhui answers.
"good."
a routine conversation, the words are autopilot coming from junhui"s mouth. jeonghan has to be the one to end it.
"have you seen the gardens yet?"
junhui leans forward. "which gardens?"
"any of them," jeonghan says, twirling his chopsticks in his food.
"no."
"you should. they"re nice in the winter. you"d be surprised by how much blooms."
junhui thinks about it, another suggestion from jeonghan. there"s a botanical garden in seoul that he"s thought about visiting. he thinks it would be nice, seeing the flowers in the cold. less people. no bugs.
"i"ll consider it. thanks."
"it"s peaceful. you"ll like it."
"okay," junhui says. he hesitates before speaking again. "do you like flowers?"
jeonghan"s smile is bright and junhui"s breath hitches. "i do."
"would you want to go with me?"
"i would." easy, another appointment with jeonghan on the calendar on his phone. junhui is pretending that it will not be different than any other time.
"would you—" but before he can get the words out, he hears a shout of his name.
"someone is calling you."
junhui turns back to the kitchen and one of the cooks is standing there waving him over. "that"s my cue then." he looks at jeonghan again. "i"ll see you around."
"yeah, text me. see you, jun," jeonghan says. and for once, junhui feels like they"re leaving on equal ground. he goes to the kitchen and dries off the dishes he"s pointed to. someone calls him out for smiling like an idiot.
he finishes the rest of his shift thinking about what else there is for him to experience in korea.
minghao: why aren"t you responding to my 8 ball request?
minghao: are you okay?
jun: yeah
jun: i"m just thinking
minghao: about what?
jun: do you remember my friend jeonghan?
minghao: yeah you were flirting with him at the restaurant
minghao: you talk about him all the time
jun: i don"t think either of those statements are true
minghao: whenever anyone at the restaurant asks you what you did that week, you always talk about seeing him
minghao: going to places, hanging out at the han river
minghao: i think everyone at work knows his name
minghao: they even have a face too now
minghao: i heard a few of them call him xiao xianrou
jun: really?
minghao: yes
minghao: now what about him
jun: i went to the botanical garden with him today. and it was fun, but i just keep thinking about how whenever we hang out or whatever, he does this thing where he always leaves first. the only time he didn"t was when he visited the restaurant.
jun: he tells me to explore the city and make new friends but i"m not very good at it and he never stays
minghao: from what i"ve seen, that"s correct
minghao: the bad at making friends thing i mean
jun: i"m ignoring that
jun: anyway
jun: you know how he"s been helping me with some family stuff?
junhui hasn"t told minghao about what jeonghan is or is to him. he knows it would make things more complicated with his only human friend and he can"t handle that right now.
minghao: yeah
jun: well, sometimes i think he just sticks with me because of that
jun: and it hurts? kinda?
jun: like if i didn"t have this stuff going on, he wouldn"t want to be my friend or even around me
jun: and i definitely think of him as a friend
jun: i like talking to him, but it feels one-sided and it"s lonely
jun: do you know what i mean?
jun: it"s just weird. like there"s a line between us.
jun: am i rambling?
jun: minghao?
minghao: sorry it"s just that
minghao: like
minghao: oh man
jun: oh man what
minghao: you definitely have a crush on him
jun: what?
junhui has only had a crush on the guy in his university theatre class. he was bright and kind and junhui just felt happy being around him. being with jeonghan isn"t like that. it"s exasperating keeping up and he"s always left with more questions than answers. also, are people even allowed to have crushes on dream-eaters? can dream-eaters experience love?
minghao: yeah, think about it
minghao: first of all, you were being disgusting at the restaurant
minghao: and second, you see him a bunch, and every time i see you after you look... idk
minghao: content? like lighter
jun: what does that mean?
jun: are you calling me heavy?
minghao: no, idiot
minghao: just think about it
jun: what if i don"t want to?
minghao: then whatever
minghao: it"s not my problem if you"re ignoring your feelings or not
jun: you"re being mean
minghao: i"m always mean, you love it
jun: true, kind of
minghao: also, maybe it"s all in your head
minghao: you thought i hated you when we first met
jun: but you *did* hate me when we first met
jun: you were only nice after i made you luosifen
minghao: i didn"t hate you
minghao: you were just too quiet
minghao: made me think you were uptight
jun: do you think jeonghan thinks i"m uptight?
minghao: how would i know?
minghao: ask him
jun: maybe
jun: have a good night minghao
minghao: have a good night jun
that evening, junhui wonders what it would be like to have a crush on jeonghan. he likes being around him, but he doesn"t get all shy and flustered like he did in college. jeonghan is familiar. he"s junhui"s friend. junhui"s very pretty friend, but still. that"s all. he thinks about jeonghan a normal amount.
but since he"s already pondering about it, he does admit that jeonghan would be a good boyfriend. he"s generous and observant. he holds the door open and is respectful towards the elderly. his hands are big, and his lips look soft, and—
junhui"s face feels hot. he doesn"t know when he started to notice those things.
the first time junhui sees jeonghan after the new year, the older"s hair is dyed black. it makes his face look smaller, and junhui finds himself brushing jeonghan"s bangs like it is instinct.
"how does it look?" jeonghan asks. it"s a stupid question, really.
"good. i like it," junhui answers. jeonghan smiles and there"s an odd fuzzy feeling in junhui"s chest.
"come here." jeonghan takes junhui"s hand and shows him the grassy field he found behind an old building. it"s lush and green, and smells wet from the rain the previous day. jeonghan doesn"t hesitate to sit down and junhui follows.
jeonghan doesn"t let go of his hand.
"how many times have we met now?"
"fifteen." junhui has been in korea for four months now. he has seen jeonghan every week, texted him almost every day. he isn"t sure how that happened, but he doesn"t mind it. jeonghan is good to talk to, be near.
"can i ask you a question?"
"you always ask me questions," junhui says.
"fine. then let me make a confession," jeonghan says. he straightens his back and looks at junhui pensively. "since i"ve been, well, getting rid of your nightmares. i"ve also seen them."
junhui stills. "which ones?"
jeonghan looks toward the ground. "all of them."
all of them. junhui hums, unsurprised.
"what did you see?"
"it was more like feelings. pain, fear, you"re always trying to escape something. it almost catches you every time."
junhui thinks about it, and decides that"s the best way to describe it. a something that"s always chasing him, sinking its claws right before he can tear himself away.
he lays down first, grass cold against his back, the scent of damp earth surrounding him. jeonghan follows. he seems to wait for junhui to speak first. but junhui is tired, and jeonghan will always know more than him.
"the shaman told you why you have them, right?" jeonghan finally asks, weeks late.
"yeah, something related to the coma when i was younger," junhui answers. "i woke up months before the nightmares started. i almost died. she couldn"t give me specifics."
jeonghan turns to face him. junhui"s eyes are still on the starry sky. "do you remember anything from it?"
"no," junhui responds. "a doctor had to tell me about the fall."
jeonghan hums. he squeezes junhui"s hand, and both pretend not to notice.
"do you want to?"
"would it change anything?" junhui asks.
"yes," jeonghan answers. "maybe everything." he turns on his side, hand reaching out to move the hair out of junhui"s eyes.
"then show me," junhui says, barely able to breathe under jeonghan"s gaze.
jeonghan sits up. his eyes don"t leave junhui"s as his face hovers over his. his hand is still on junhui"s cheek, and it is as cold as he knows.
"don"t be scared," jeonghan tells him. his hand shields junhui"s eyes. junhui closes them on instinct.
it hits him like a gentle wave, coming to his mind like a song sung to him by his mother. junhui feels sleep consume him and his hand weakly twitches by his side. he wants to touch jeonghan, fear in his mind that he will never see him again. jeonghan seems to know this, know everything, as he pulls away only to whisper a promise in junhui"s ear that he will be there when he wakes.
he was in middle school, skipped class to go to the beach with his friends. it was one of those places only the locals knew about, less golden sand and more tan rocky shorelines. the sun is hidden by clouds and there is a salty tang in the air, something with the undertones of seaweed and brine. his friends are daring each other to climb higher up the hill of large stones, and junhui is too young to be afraid. he knows he is good at this, so he is daring. he climbs the highest out of all of them and he is laughing until he feels the rocks under his feet begin to slip away.
someone"s hand reaches out. junhui plummets into the water. the fall can"t be from very high, but he swears that he is floating before the waves snatch him out of the air.
junhui sinks, deeper and deeper, like something is tugging him in. his arms thrash by his sides and his lungs feel like they"ll burst as he screams a gargled name that he has not tasted in years. everything burns and he is scared. nightmares have plagued him for years, but junhui is still scared.
he struggles despite the fact that he knows this is not real, that he is no longer a boy who can be dared to do things like this, and that this is the past that cannot be changed. he moves helplessly in the endless blue. and when he is exhausted, life sucked from his core and body leaden, junhui closes his eyes.
the pain ceases, and he waits. for the nothing, for the stillness his grandfather swore he had seen once. the emptiness that comes when you are looking death in the eye.
it never arrives.
instead, junhui is suspended in water, motionless, stagnant, but alive. nothing is broken. jeonghan"s voice is in his ear.
"someone wished for you to live."" there is a warm hand on his shoulder. even though junhui wants to open his eyes, he can"t. "but there"s a price to pay for these things. a scale to even out. someone else made the choice yet you bear the burden. it doesn"t sound fair, does it?" jeonghan says. "i"m sorry it isn"t."
jeonghan"s voice fades out. something heavy about his words are left behind. junhui cannot pinpoint it because there is a phone ringing by his side.
junhui jolts awake, eyes shooting open as he stretches out his fingers, looks at his hands, and realizes they are his again. he is in his bed and his chin is sticky from drool.
he remembers the beach from his dream and the blurred faces of the friends who stopped talking to him after he slipped into a coma. he wonders if they felt guilty or maybe scared that whatever saved junhui that day would follow them next.
the phone stops ringing only to start again three seconds later. it"s minghao, asking him if he"s doing something important. someone at the restaurant called in sick. they need someone to run orders. junhui blearily agrees as his eyes scan his room.
jeonghan said he would be there when junhui woke up.
maybe he meant that junhui should find him.
-
the difference is startling. junhui feels light on his feet his entire shift and minghao scolds him when he does a backflip in the middle of the dining hall.
"you"re glowing. why?" the younger asks.
"had something lifted off my chest? i guess?" junhui responds. minghao nods and pats him on the back like he"s proud.
"good. now go change out of your uniform so we can get something to eat," minghao tells him.
"i actually wanted to get home early today. i can make you some tea though, if you really want to hang out."
minghao shrugs and junhui knows it means yes. the younger is very picky about how he likes his tea brewed, but he likes junhui"s, and junhui calls that a win.
they walk side by side to junhui"s apartment and just as they"re turning the corner, minghao stops him.
"hey, isn"t that your boyfriend?" junhui looks at where he"s gesturing to and it"s jeonghan, right outside of his door. jeonghan has found him.
"he"s not my boyfriend," he says.
"whatever you say," minghao replies. "he looks like he was waiting for you."
"but what about tea?"
"fuck the tea, go talk to him while you"re in your weird giddy mood," minghao tells him. he giggles when junhui winks and the older thanks him before going over.
"jeonghan," he says, even though the other"s eyes were on him the whole way he skipped over.
jeonghan smiles and runs a hand through junhui"s windswept hair. "you"re okay?" there is something tender about his touch, something junhui isn"t sure has always been there. "how do you feel?"
"good," junhui answers.
jeonghan lets out an amused laugh. "you relived your own near-death experience and you"re feeling "good?""
"well, i didn"t actually die," junhui says. "you told me someone wished for me to live. so i should be grateful. and this is what you meant by things changing, right? it"s over now."
jeonghan nods. "you"re grateful even though the cost of saving your life caused you those nightmares? you know they were essentially, like, death hanging over you in your sleep, right?" the way he speaks is more careful than junhui has ever heard him.
"yeah, i am. i guess i"m glad that someone wanted me to live that badly anyway. whoever they are," junhui says.
jeonghan hums, fiddling with his hands. he seems nervous and it"s unsettling. junhui doesn"t know what else to say, so he waits.
"did it hurt?" jeonghan says after a beat of silence.
"yes," junhui admits. he thinks about it, the feeling of his lungs being crushed, and it sends chills down his spine, but he"s still in that euphoric state of relief for now. "but it faded. it"s over. i don"t feel a thing now."
"that"s good," jeonghan smiles, relief coloring his voice.
"and it"s done? really? no more nightmares?" junhui asks. jeonghan hesitates before nodding. the next thing junhui asks he hadn"t planned to, but it slips out. "why"d you only show me now? if it was that easy?"
"i told you. i"m young. i was figuring things out. you"re the only person i"ve done that for. besides, it"s scary for me too."
"why?"
"you would be surprised how complex life is for a dream-eater," jeonghan says, vague and perhaps tired.
jeonghan once told junhui after he looked up "baku" online that they got some parts of it right. he didn"t specify what, but a passage from one website comes to junhui"s mind.
calling the baku must be done sparingly. if they remain hungry after eating one"s nightmare, they may also devour their hopes and desires as well, leaving the dreamer to live an empty life.
was jeonghan afraid of that? taking junhui"s hopes and desires? the burden of being a dream-eater isn"t something junhui has really thought of. but he supposes now, it makes sense. maybe jeonghan has been just as scared as he was of taking too much.
"you said you"d be in korea for "a bit". since you"re done helping me. are you going to leave now?" the "leave me?" going unspoken.
"do you want me to?" jeonghan asks.
junhui shakes his head. "no."
"then it"s that simple," jeonghan tells him, as if anything about what connects them could be defined as that. "if anything, you"re the one that can go home now."
he"s right. jeonghan had told him that after everything"s been figured out, he could go back to china and still be fine. there is no reason for him to stay in jeonghan"s proximity anymore. but he wants to. so much his heart aches with it.
"are there other people with nightmares out there that you need to help?" junhui asks instead, stalling.
"there are," jeonghan answers. a smile graces his face. he looks content. jeonghan is not an unreasonable person. "but dream-eaters, there are more of us than you think. we each get a case in our lifetime. we can take more if we want to, most do. but there is always someone we are assigned to first. i chose yours, you."
the last word rings in his head. junhui"s throat feels tight. "why?"
"i don"t know. it was the easiest case of the bunch. i"m a natural-born slacker," jeonghan laughs.
he"s lying. jeonghan lies often, hiding something behind the elusive gleam in his eyes. but junhui will not pry the truth from him. instead, he leans forward and kisses him.
he"s never kissed anyone before, stayed away from dating in high school and university. but he kisses jeonghan because it seems like the right moment to do so, if he ever were to. their lips slot perfectly together.
jeonghan is still before his mouth moves gently against junhui"s, soft and unhurried. his lips are smooth and junhui feels compelled to ask for more. he places his hand on jeonghan"s shoulder and jeonghan"s hand finds his waist. it is strange but in a way that makes junhui"s heart race and mind fill with nothing but the man who holds him like he is something precious.
when he pulls away, out of breath, junhui recognizes he is in love with jeonghan, and it is not as terrifying as he had imagined.
jeonghan disappears for a week. maybe it"s revenge for when they first met and junhui didn"t text him immediately after getting his number. either way, getting ghosted by your first kiss fucking sucks, and he drowns out his woes by drinking with minghao.
"you"re annoying when you mope," minghao says, filling his shot glass. "stop it. you"re going to see him again."
"you don"t know that," junhui tells him.
"yes, i do. his life revolves around you," minghao says, sipping his beer.
junhui sits up straight. "what are you talking about?" jeonghan is always the one leaving first when they meet, the one telling junhui to go out, and find things to enjoy without him by his side.
"he"s there whenever you want to talk to him, right? or see him?" minghao asks.
"i guess." jeonghan is the one who gave junhui a way to contact him. jeonghan doesn"t usually text first but he always replies. even when junhui responds late in the night, jeonghan always replies.
"and you"ve known him, for what? a few months?" junhui nods. "and how often do you see him?"
"we get coffee. like once a week. we text more."
"at our age that"s basically the same as being married," minghao laughs. "you like him a lot, don"t you?
"well, yeah." junhui blushes. "yeah, i do." minghao gives him a smug look and junhui rolls his eyes.
"and he likes you too?"
"i mean." he stills. "he kissed me back. i think so."
"then what"s left to question? he likes you. you like him. go and stop overthinking things for once. what is there to be scared of, jun?"
minghao is right and junhui doesn"t know what to say. he"s good at this, avoiding, assuming the worst. junhui is good at letting truths lie. he doesn"t like to dig, and maybe that"s what he likes so much about jeonghan. there is always something more. junhui never has to pry, because though it can take time, jeonghan gives, and junhui listens.
"but then why is he avoiding me?"
"fuck if i know," minghao says. junhui frowns and the younger shrugs in response. "you said he"s a weird and mysterious guy. figure out what he"s thinking. sort it out."
"so i should talk to him?" junhui asks.
he doesn"t know how he would do that. obviously, junhui should call him. but what does he start with? "hey, i kissed you and we haven"t talked since and that kinda hurts my feelings." or maybe, "hi jeonghan, please call me back i"m in love with and you"re pretty and magical and i need you in my life." no, that"s pathetic. he could try, "jeonghan, please be in love with me too, i think i need you in my life." god, even more lame. he hopes mind readers aren"t as real as dream-eaters are.
"yes," minghao answers, painfully blunt and bringing junhui"s attention back.
"now?"
"no, idiot. it"s like 1am and you"ve been drinking. let it wait until tomorrow." he says and junhui knows he"s right. minghao is unfortunately always right.
"okay. then i"m going home." he stands up and uses the table to keep himself upright. he then giggles out a thanks and leaves with minghao before parting ways to take a cab.
the night is cold but junhui can hardly feel it. he pays the driver and half runs back to his place.
when he lies down in his bed, he thinks of shenzhen, the flower fields, and jeonghan. he doesn"t know which he misses the most right now.
-
despite not having had vivid dreams for a while, junhui has another one. maybe a product of the soju and whatever it was that minghao mixed for him. like the one jeonghan showed him, he is much younger. this time eight years old with gaps in his teeth and hair cut by his mother.
it"s the middle of the second grade school year. there is a new student standing at the front with his teacher.
she introduces him. he"s a foreigner. his name comes out of ms. heung"s mouth garbled but junhui meets the transfer student"s eyes and recognizes them despite the bowl cut and rounded cheeks.
he tells the class his name again and gives a slight bow. no one must have told him they don"t do that in china.
"my name is—"
the images come to junhui in shattered pieces. his head hurts but he can"t wake up, mind swarmed with memories. memories of being a kid with his best friend"s shoulder bumping against his as they walked along the shore with their friends, his large eyes wide in fear as he watched junhui slip. there was a hand that he couldn"t reach.
"you"re the only one that calls me by my korean name, jun. thank you."
junhui wasn"t the only one in his class who was gone during his coma. someone made a choice to keep him alive. balance is needed in the supernatural. jeonghan has always felt more human than anything else.
jeonghan has always been more human than anything else.
when junhui wakes up. it"s the late afternoon. it"s the weekend so he doesn"t have to work, but he still rushes out of bed. his phone is in his hand, and he calls his parents and asks them the questions burning in his throat.
they don"t remember jeonghan. his name is new even though it shouldn"t be.
"why do you ask?" his mother says.
"he"s just someone important," junhui answers. his heart aches. how do you forget someone you knew for six years? he knew he liked boys when he was 13. he knows what it is like to be scared of loving someone much later.
junhui calls jeonghan. because what else is there left to do? he can"t wait for someone who has hidden years of shared time from him.
jeonghan picks up on the second ring. junhui wonders what he is supposed to say. he wants to be angry. he has so many questions. there is so much to ask and tell but the first thing junhui says is said without a second thought
"do you know what"s strange?" junhui says. "i think i love you. and i think you love me too, but both of us are too scared to do anything."
jeonghan is silent before the words come out in a rasp. "you remember. you know."
"i do," junhui says. "i do."
"that makes this a terrible predicament, doesn"t it?" jeonghan says.
"it does."
he breathes in and out, counting to ten forward and back just like he was taught. he is not afraid of the memories of jeonghan just recalled, but he is terrified of not having more.
"come over," junhui tells him, minghao"s words echoing in his mind. the notion of jeonghan existing in his orbit and not the other way around seems surreal. because junhui is the one who is always left in jeonghan"s tracks, picking at threads, and slotting pieces together. even now, with their past recognized, junhui thinks that there is not a whole of jeonghan for him to have.
but then jeonghan is saying, "okay. i"ll be there in 15," before hanging up, and junhui is left to stare at his blank phone screen. has it always been that easy? does jeonghan live that close? junhui doesn"t know. he just wants to see jeonghan.
-
the minutes stretch as junhui waits, an uncertainty that hadn"t been there before hanging in the room. he paces back and forth, counting as each second crawls by.
the fifteen-minute mark comes and junhui"s heart sinks. maybe jeonghan has decided the past should remain in the past, maybe time and new memories have erased the string connecting them.
but then there"s a knock, shattering the silence. junhui"s pulse quickens and he rushes to the door. when he answers it, unsure what to expect, jeonghan is there, a mixture of fear and longing in his eyes. as junhui looks at him now, he can tell jeonghan hasn"t changed much from their teenage years. his features are still as captivating. junhui"s heart leaps in his chest.
he gestures for jeonghan to enter with a slow nod and the other hesitates before doing so. they, right now, both stand vulnerable. it"s reflected in jeonghan"s dark eyes. the door closes behind them and they are sealed in a space where their past and present converge.
"how did you remember?"
"it came to me in a dream." jeonghan told him once that he couldn"t see anything but junhui"s nightmares. he wonders if that is for the better right now, when all he wants is for jeonghan to look into his heart and see how it responds to him.
"funny how that works, isn"t it?" jeonghan asks. "the price of my decision that the both of us had to answer for." he looks away. junhui decides to take the first step.
"i want to stay in korea longer," junhui says. jeonghan"s eyes widen.
"jun, what about—"
"i want to figure us out. for a little bit. talk, catch up, can we do that?" haven"t they been doing that the whole time?
"it"s not that easy," jeonghan sighs. an excuse. junhui can only see it as an excuse.
"i love you. i have loved you, jeonghan."
"that was before everything. you just remembered me from when we were younger and—"
"you were my first kiss," junhui interrupts. jeonghan stills and swallows what junhui thinks must be a knot in his throat. his gaze falls to the floor. jeonghan kissed him in the library, hidden between the bookshelves. they had giggled like children, foreheads pressed together. "my first love. if i didn"t fall into that coma, i think we would still be together now."
"yes, jun and do you know how fucking guilty that makes me feel?" jeonghan"s voice strains and he is close to shouting. junhui has never heard him this defeated before. "my choice as a teenager took away years of your life. you were sick with nightmares for years and it was my fault. i am the one who made you suffer."
the room goes silent. junhui moves in close and jeonghan does not stop him.
"your choice was for me to live. do you regret that?" junhui says, unwavering. a cruel question, but he needs to know.
"no, god, of course not," jeonghan answers.
"then you"ve fixed it, jeonghan. i"m better. i don"t have nightmares. what"s left for you to feel bad about?"
jeonghan stills. his shoulders shake. junhui comes to the realization that jeonghan does not know. all he is aware of is that he should fear something and junhui is afraid of that.
"you want to be near me and i want to be near you. so let yourself. let me. let me make things easier for you."
"jun," jeonghan croaks, exhausted. "i don"t know what you want from me."
"there"s nothing left to change, jeonghan. so please, please just—" his eyes burn, his ribs threaten to break, junhui is putting his heart in jeonghan"s hands.
junhui takes a deep breath.
"love me," junhui says. "please love me and don"t leave, jeonghan."
jeonghan"s eyes meet his and this time, junhui knows the words have made contact. there is no salt water in his lungs and nothing can stop the way jeonghan barrels into his arms. he is welcoming someone home, he is opening his heart, and something just clicks. the hourglass resets.
"i"m sorry," jeonghan says. the apology is for junhui but the younger knows that jeonghan needs it more, that this has sat with him for too long.
"it"s okay," junhui assures. he holds jeonghan tight and welcomes the way his face fits into the crook of his neck. he cries and junhui does too, words muffled that need to be said more than heard.
"i love you," jeonghan says. "i love you so much. i"ve missed you." he kisses junhui"s hands, his neck, his lips, as desperate as junhui once was, and junhui cannot imagine how the older has held on for so long. because now that jeonghan is finally within his grasp again, he aches for more.
they kiss for what feels like forever, the time passing irrelevant. at some point, junhui confesses into jeonghan"s ear the urge to touch him more, and jeonghan smiles, warm and pleased.
they tumble onto junhui"s bed, and jeonghan hovers over him, eyes locked on his.
"i love you. i trust you," junhui says. because everything is new to him. a fire burns in his gut and the only way to soothe it is to get closer.
"thank you," jeonghan replies. his voice shakes. he kisses junhui again.
jeonghan"s body runs cold but every point of contact between him and junhui is hot, hands, lips, chest. they take their time and junhui has never felt this whole. he thinks this is what he has been looking for. what the nightmares have guided him to after years of suffering. there are conversations to be had and memories to reconnect on but no one is to blame.
later, as they lie beside each other in bed, jeonghan turns on his side and holds junhui"s face in his hands like he is the most cherished thing in the world. his thumbs trace the apples of junhui"s cheeks and junhui sighs and sinks into it. jeonghan"s hands are reassuring and steady.
it is real, it is tangible, and it is good.