Chapter Text
Chapter Four
So far, this whole bet had been a disaster. One questionable sandwich and two hospital trips later, and the two of them were already struggling for ideas. John had gone for the more direct route, how best to disguise his attempts. But Ronon … Ronon had other ideas.
The thought had come to him during lunch the following day. Sat with Lorne and a few other marines, Ronon listened intently as the soldiers shared stories from their training days.
“Oh god, and the worst was tear gas training. I mean, half our unit puked their guts out. I truly thought I was gonna die that day. I would honestly prefer to be shot at.” The group laughed as
Cadman recalled her worst training moments.
“At least your unit stopped there,” Lorne interjected, “They made the glorious decision for us to do tear gas and pepper spray training on the same day. It felt like my lungs were exploding.”
The others laughed harder, the few closest to Lorne clapping him on the back. Ronon however, confused by the term, found himself intrigued by the term ‘pepper spray’.
“I’m sorry, pepper spray? The hell is that? What, you have an exploding pepper or something.” The sudden image of a bell pepper stuffed with C4 filled his mind. The group turned to Ronon, a few sporting confused looks as they too considered the prospect presented by Ronon.
“No, dude. It’s like an aerosol spray made of capsicum.” seeing the look of confusion now painting Ronon’s face Lorne pressed on. “Imagine a spray on deodorant made of chilli.”
Ronon mulled this thought over. As interesting as this deodorant sounded, he much preferred his idea. He smiled as he once again imagined an exploding bell pepper. As he chuckled it hit him. If you can explode a bell pepper, why not … a lemon?
“Excuse me, I have … something I need to do.” Ronon jumped up from the table, swiping his half eaten sandwich from the plate before running towards the armoury. He stopped only for a moment to grab a few lemons from the food table and stuff them in his pockets.
When he reached the armoury, he scanned the room, taking stock of his options. He thought for a moment, before deciding that using C4 to blow up a lemon may be a step too far, unless he wanted to blow a hole in the side of Atlantis. Noting this, Ronon grabbed a few small charges and headed for the East Pier.
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“Colonel, we’re picking up some minor vibrations on the East Pier.” Chuck called over to Colonel Carter as he looked at the readings appearing on his screen.
Carter moved over to him, peering over his shoulder to see for herself. “Have the scanners picked up anything else, any ships or irregularities?”
“Nope, nothing. They just started a few moments ago.”
“Ok, let's send someone to check it out. Could be nothing, but best to be safe.” Sam looked around her, hoping to flag down the closest soldier for a recon. Instead, she made direct eye contact with the one and only Colonel Sheppard as he bounded up the stairs and into the room, with only the slightest twinge of pain.
“What’s this?” He asked, having caught only the trail end of the conversation. “Has something happened.”
“We picked up some slight vibrations -” Sam smacked a hand down onto Chuck’s shoulder, cutting him off mid sentence.
“We’ve noticed an irregularity on the scanners, I was just about to send someone to check it out, no need to worry yourself.”
“I can go check it out. What kind of irregularities?” Sheppard shuffled over, leaning in to take a look at the readings himself.
“Sheppard, you’re supposed to be resting. This base is filled with perfectly capable soldiers, any of whom can check this out”
“I’m fine Colonel.” John rounded on Sam, crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s just a few bumps and bruises. Besides, I’m the commanding officer out here and it is my responsibility to check out any potentially dangerous situations. I can handle it.”
Sam considered it for a moment, scanning his body for any signs of injury that could impede his ability to perform his duties. Finding no obvious reasons to hold him back she sighed. “Fine, just be careful. And keep in radio contact.”
“You got it boss.” He saluted the colonel before running off towards the East Pier.
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John rounded the corner, gun pulled out in front of him. As he came to the door, he pushed his back against the wall, bracing himself to open it and peak round. He lifted his hand, waving it in front of the sensor. As the door slid open he was hit with a sudden intense wave of lemon scented air. Bewildered, he pivoted round, poking his head out the door.
“What the fuck -”
He was blinded by a sudden explosion, followed by an overwhelming burning sensation. The smell of lemon only intensified. He staggered through the door, clutching his hand to his face, trying desperately to wipe the burning hot liquid away.
“Sheppard, are you alright?” A familiar voice drifted in over the ringing in his ears, a faint hulking shape heading straight for him in the haze. Strong hands held him up as his legs began to give out. He felt the man move him over to the wall, helping him slide down it to sit on the floor. The man began to wipe away at the leftover liquid still coating his face, and slowly his vision began to clear. If only the stinging would go away. He blinked slightly, looking up into the very concerned face of Ronon.
“What the hell is going on.” John glanced behind Ronon, taking in the scene around him. The floor of the pier was littered with singed and exploded lemons, the debris painting the walls. Ronon followed his gaze, looking over the destruction he had caused.
“Oh, this? Umm, research?” John and Ronon made eye contact, Ronon trying his best to look sheepish.
“Research? For the bet? You know the plan was to induce anaphylaxis not kill him!”
Ronon shrugged, smiling slightly as he considered what he had done. “I didn’t say I was gonna use it. It was just … an option.”
John shook his head. “I don’t even … How do you even come up with this?”
“Pepper spray.”
Ronon’s response only made John even more confused. “You know what … I don’t even want to begin to unpack that.” He looked around again, truly noticing the extent of lemons all over the floor. “Where did you even get all these lemons?”
“The Mess. They were just on the table.”
“Why do we have so many whole lemons?”
“I dunno, I saw Colonel Carter come in early looking pretty pissed off and start just putting lemons everywhere.”
“Ah, Rodney” John brought a hand back up to his face, hissing slightly at the tenderness.
“You know, your face isn’t looking so good. We should probably get you checked out.”
“Oh great. Carson is gonna love this. ‘Hey doc, no need to worry, I just got hit in the face by lemon shrapnel.”
Ronon hoisted him up, helping him steady himself on his feet. “Yeah, maybe we should come up with a better story.”
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By the time they reached the infirmary the burning had reduced to just a tingle. John scanned the room, silently hoping that he would be able to be checked out by another doctor before Carson even knew he was there. But just his luck, there was the good doctor, noticing him the moment he walked in the room. It was almost like he had some sort of sense for John’s ridiculous injuries.
“Colonel, what is it this time? What has happened to your face?” Carson moved over to them, examining the reddened skin.
John hesitated for a moment. “I was teaching Ronon how to use a microwave. I left for a moment and he started … experimenting. Let’s just say lemons do not react well to being microwaved.”
“You were microwaving … lemons.” Carson paused momentarily in his inspection, their story jarring him from his thoughts. “Good thing it was just the two of you.”
“Well could have been worse. Could have been a fork.” It wasn’t the best cover story, but there was only so much you could do with a lemon burn.
“Ok. Moving on, we’re going to have to irrigate this, take a seat over on the bed and I’ll be right with you.” Carson moved over to the side of the room, grabbing some saline, a syringe and some eye drops. “You know Colonel,” he said as he approached them once more, “anyone would think I’ve started a rewards scheme for frequent customers the amount you’ve been in the past few days.”
John winced slightly as the doctor began to squirt the solution into his eyes. “Well, it’s not like I was planning on it. Let's just say it's been a strange few days.” He could hear a soft huff of laughter come from Ronon where he stood at his side.
“Well, I do hope this will be your last visit.” Having completed the saline solution, the doctor moved on to the eye drops. “Now, you’re going to have to use these eye drops for a few days, just until the irritations gone.”
John blinked, slowly lowering his head to look at the doctor. “Thanks doc. And trust me, we all hope this will be my last visit.” He shot a pointed look at Ronon.
“Good. You should wait here for a few moments while your vision clears up.” Carson moved away, leaving John and Ronon in the corner. They sat in silence for a moment, John squinting as his vision began to clear.
“Colonel.” John watched as Sam jogged into the infirmary, coming to a stop in front of his bed. “What happened? You went to check on the East Pier and you never sent word, and then I hear from Carson you’re in the infirmary. What the hell happened out there?”
“Ummm”.