Archive of Our Own ^beta

When Reo woke up, he laid in his bed for a while. 

Dimly lit daylight shone inside his bedroom, painting itself along the white walls and floors still perfectly polished from the maid's work. A clear ticking echoed across the silence, perhaps coming from the clock that was held up over his door, or his alarm that must've blared at least 40 times now. Thankfully, Mom and Dad are never home in the morning. 

He laid and blinked slowly up at the ceiling. Unlike everything else in the penthouse, it wasn't smooth or polished. There was a rough texture, grooves that dotted it up and down, the type you would see in a typical cheap apartment. He knew because those were the exact ones he saw in Nagi's. 

Reo still had on his clothes from the previous day. He'd taken off the jacket of his school uniform, but the collared white shirt and vest were still on. As for his tie, maybe it’s still laid somewhere around on the floor. 

He blinked several times. His eyes barely held open. They stung with something in them, and felt thick and odd on his face. In fact, his entire face felt blotchy. Thick and creased like glue was stuck on, making everything hard to move. Several times, hair stuck to his face and mouth, and he saw the purple strands stand up and curl outwards. Some got into his mouth so he tasted the thin strings and felt its texture clearly. 

An ache settled and washed all around him when he shifted over. He’d only turned to look at the window. The view looked pathetic. 

A blaring sound rang again, and continued for a minute, then two, then three, before dying down completely. For some reason, it still couldn't overshadow the stubborn ticking plaguing the room. 

Reo closed his eyes. He pushed in his cheek against the soft fluffy pillows beneath him, those that were littered with fresh wet patches and stains and colored in white. When he opened his eyes slightly, he saw the white fabric up close, all of its woven material that stayed clearly visible. 

Nagi's hoodie was that color. It even had the same softness. 

His eyes closed again. It felt so familiar, like perhaps reality took that memory from 4 years ago and planted him right in it. When Nagi carried him home, and he fell asleep right on Nagi's shoulder.

He remembered the shock and surprise he felt when Nagi had offered, and the unusual determination that was present in his eyes. Those eyes that were always dull and bored and gray shone with color that day. He shined so brightly with the sun right behind him that it almost blinded Reo, but for some reason, he couldn't look away. The sun now shone in his room with nothing of those same colors. 

Nagi shined differently. So bright and vivid that Reo wanted to reach out and feel it for himself, to breathe in those rays as if they were breaths of coloful life entering a normally black and white canvas. 

And he still felt that urge, even now, but lying in his bed, he couldn’t help but feel the bitterness that underlied that feeling. Because without wanting to, he found himself wondering, in place of it, how Nagi felt after everything. After last night. Maybe then, he could understand it, instead of feeling this pain deep inside his chest.

Reo shut the memory away, and locked it behind the steady rising of his chest. 

A door opened. Another maid or butler to offer him breakfast. Or maybe lunch, judging by how much his alarm had rung up to this point. He didn't even know what day it was. It could be that school had already started. Not that it mattered. He didn't think he could get up even if he wanted to. 

"Master Reo." Ba-ya. 

Reo didn't respond. He just shifted some more, to where he could find a dry spot on the pillow. Then he opened his eyes, and stared at the window. It made a reflection of the door behind him, where Ba-Ya stood with a cart and a single plate of food and a cup on top. 

She had one hand on the cart and another holding a phone. Reo didn't need to see it clearly in focus to know it was his. He could immediately recognize the purple and white phone case. "A call is waiting for you," Ba-ya said. 

Reo didn't make an effort to move, but he didn't need to. Ba-ya walked up to his bed and held out the phone near him. Reo could hear the static coming from the speaker. 

"Reo?" the static said. The voice was just a bit higher than Nagi's, and more clearly defined. Like that of a princess. It was Chigiri.  

His body was so tired, it didn't feel like moving. Much less for a phone with a call that wasn't coming from Nagi. "Reo, are you there?" Ba-ya's arm didn't budge as she still held out the phone, waiting for him to grab it. Thankfully, she didn't say anything else. 

Reo laid in his bed, then ignored his tired aching body to reach out for the call. His fingers were stiff as they wrapped around the case, the purple and white case, and he could've sworn he became half-deaf when he placed it near his ear, where everything sounded murky and slow. "Hey," he said. His voice was low and tough, tired and achy, sounding so foreign in his ears. 

"Reo! We've been calling you for hours- Bachira was ready to run over and bust down your front door. We, uh.. we heard what happened..." Chigiri trailed off.

Reo blinked slowly, and moved around the bitter saliva in his mouth. "Was Nagi the one who told you?" 

"No. He didn't. He came here to school without you, but when we asked, he didn't tell us anything. We asked Ba-ya what happened, and she just said you were still sleeping so we connected the pieces from there... how are you handling it?"

"... how do you think I'm fucking handling it." His words came out hostile and harsh, but his voice hiccupped at the very end and he had to bite his lip hard to keep it under control. His vision started to become blurry and wet, and when he looked back at the reflection in the large window, Ba-ya was already gone. The breakfast cart was rolled over near his bed. 

Nagi still went to school. Of course he did, of course he wasn't a mess in bed, staying up far later than he could. He wasn't lying down and tired and achy and crying uncontrollably. He probably shrugged half-heartedly like always when Chigiri and the others asked. Like those years and words didn't matter at all. 

Reo could punch him for that. But he couldn't, because he would probably fall to the ground before he did, angry and hurt. 

"Hey... do you want to talk about it?" 

"No. He just... is he distraught at all? Upset?" 

"Not really. He fell asleep during 1st, and got in trouble again." 

"That fucking bastard."

He bit his lip, and was surprised to taste something salty on it. Thick tears were dropping slowly on his cheeks, and made a plop as they hit the sheets. But his breathing was still calm, and he kept his voice steady. As if he was doing so in retaliation. 

Footsteps came and passed by the door. Shuffling of feet in the outside world, surely all ready to begin working, if they weren't already. Reo flipped over to the other side to face away from the window, and look towards the rest of the room. His eyes shifted up to the clock. 1:30. It felt like 5. 

"Reo, get up, I'm going to pick you up." He didn't want to. The bed was warm, the sheets fluffy, the pillow white and familiar and dry. He was wrapped in a blanket, one that made him ignore the ache all over him, and his eyes were so tired, ready to close at any moment. Not a single part of him felt like getting up. 

He wondered if this is how Nagi always feels like in the morning.

"Alright."

He hung up. 

Reo savored the silence of the room until it eventually turned against him, and became deafening to hear. The breakfast cart was still near his bed, and a plate of food sat with a cup of orange juice right next to it. Pulling an arm up, he sat up slowly and grasped the fork. He pushed it against the omelet that sat in a bed of lettuce and vegetables and brought the forkful of cooked egg up to his mouth. Then he opened his lips, and put the food in his mouth with as much force as he could while his hand was asleep, and chewed it slowly and carefully. His eyes began to sting. The eggs melted so well on his tongue. 

Reo wanted to laugh, knowing how pathetic it would be if he cried over a plate of eggs. 

He wondered what kind of breakfast Nagi had this morning, and if he cried like this too. If he felt that warmth and crumbled beneath it. If that whiplash was enough to make his reality come in full force, and make him hate it. If he's thought of all this too. Probably not, and yet a stupid part of him wished that he did, so that maybe he wouldn't be eating alone, feeling alone. As if that kind of connection would've descended space and time to bring them together once again. 

But he knew it didn't, because if it did, then maybe Nagi wouldn't have broken up with him. 

~

It didn't occur to Reo until after he went outside that none of them had a driving license just yet, much less a car. So he shouldn't have been surprised to see a familiar truck waiting outside, and a face of stubble, with purple and yellow-green eyes, sticking out of the driver's seat. The back seat window was slightly tinted, and only the outline of a head of long hair was visible inside. Probably Chigiri. There were two other heads behind his, but their silhouettes were too dark to properly see. 

Reo got in the front passenger seat and without much talking other than a "seatbelt?" "yeah," they began driving off. In typical Aiku fashion, there was music blasting on the radio, an unfamiliar band with an electronic and upbeat vibe. It filled up the silence and while Reo could only stare at the trees and buildings they were passing by, he saw in the mirror's reflection Bachira swinging his head to the beat. 

He was leaning against Isagi's shoulder, who held out his phone in front of him, rapidly moving his fingers along it. Sometimes, Bachira would go still for a moment to look out the window at something passing by, obscuring Isagi's view of his phone. But Isagi would just move above his head and place his arms on Bachira's hair, his chin resting on the brown and yellow strands with a subtle, yet affectionate smile, before continuing with what he was doing. Chigiri caught Reo's eyes, and Reo glanced away. 

In the corner, Aiku wasn't paying him much attention. He was humming along to the radio’s song, to the drowned-out lyrics playing out. His fingers tapped on the wheel and occasionally, to the beat, his head bopped side to side. Reo looked at his phone screen; it was already 3:00 pm. 

He didn't bother asking about school, knowing he's missed the entire day already. That would put a hole in his perfect attendance record, but Reo couldn't find it in himself to worry about that. Not when his mind was so foggy, he found himself questioning if these past two days have all just been a dream.

Like his mind could come up with something so horrible. 

And yet, the trees zipped by the windows as usual, and the vrooms of vehicles speeding by became a melody by which life played on. A murky blue, the sky had dots of clouds, blobs of dark black floating in the air, and strokes of green flying with the wind. They all busied the outskirts of a bustling life-filled city, where time kept going like it was just another normal day. Reo took the sight and tried to breathe it in. 

Just as he felt himself relaxing at its rhythm, his phone began ringing. 

A loud, high-pitched ring that hummed the default phone call tune. He could've sworn he didn't put the sound that loud, so loud it went over the radio music and shook the entire car. 

Biting his lip, Reo tightened his hold on the case. It seemed that everyone was trying to ignore the ringing. Aiku was still looking at the road, but he was no longer humming or swaying his head, and Chigiri was too busy with his eyes on the window, but they were so fixed and forced that it became painfully obvious, while Isagi had stopped texting and had put the phone on his lap to view the window with the same look. Only Bachira had the decency to stare directly at him and the vibrating phone, and ask "are you gonna answer that?" before getting jabbed in the stomach by Isagi's elbow.  

But that question was enough to make Reo move and turn over the screen. And look at the caller. 

Without hesitation, he swiped it away and went back to looking out the window. He didn't realize how hard he was biting his lip until there was a taste of something metallic and coppery in his mouth. The car stayed painfully silent. 

After passing a few more streets, Chigiri, Bachira, and Isagi were all dropped off. Aiku waved at them with a toothy grin while Reo stared out his window, eyeing the hand Bachira was holding Isagi’s with, tugging and pulling him forward. He barely noticed Chigiri come right up to his window, a few feet out. 

“We’ll catch up to you guys, we’re just making a pit stop. It shouldn’t take too long.”

Reo didn’t say anything. He trusted his eyes to say okay for him and luckily, it seemed it had worked because Chigiri turned away and walked off with the other two. The window rolled back down, and they began moving again. This time, no radio was playing. 

Gripping the phone, Reo was able to shift his eyes away from the window and look all around him. Aiku’s car on the surface looked like a mess, with bags, cables, and papers thrown around everywhere, but somehow it maintained a sort of structure. The papers were all collected on the side pockets of doors, the bags inside had their items perfectly arranged so they wouldn’t fall over, and empty bottles and chip bags were collected neatly in the corner, some with bags, others without. 

It still was a mess to look at, but the more he did, the more he was able to appreciate it. It looked like it had been used many times over. 

Reo turned to Aiku. “How long have you had this car?” he asked quietly. 

“3 years. But before that, it was my dad’s. He handed it off to me on my 17th birthday, though I hadn’t even learned to drive yet.” He laughed. “He died not too long after, and this is now my most prized possession.” 

Reo shifted and looked back down on the floor. He almost wanted to apologize for making him bring that up, but stopped himself before he could. Despite how heavy his words were, Aiku kept his expression perfectly calm and content. It was as if it were any other normal conversation. Maybe to him, it was. 

Still, Reo paused and watched the trinket hanging by the front mirror click together with every second that went by, the word “prized possession” echoing in his mind as if it were a forgotten memory. A relic of the past.

“We’re almost there,” Aiku said. 

Reo rested his head against the seatbelt strap. “I don’t want to go.” 

“You don’t even know where we’re going.” 

“Doesn’t matter. I don’t want to go.” 

“Just give it a try.” 

“I can’t.” 

“And why is that?” 

“I can’t do it.”

“Do what?”  

No matter how hard he tried, Reo couldn’t say it. He shattered so easily, it was almost laughable. To think Nagi had that kind of power over him. But to be honest, he always kind of knew. It just hurted to say it out loud. “Dunno,” he settled for. At least then, his throat couldn’t clog up and render him silent. 

“Give it a try, and you’ll see. This pain you’re feeling will settle over eventually. You just have to let yourself try a little.” 

Reo didn’t know if he wanted to.

He went back to stare out the window, and yet it seemed nothing from outside was being registered in. Like his head was blocking everything out so it could be left with nothing inside. Just static playing, over and over. 

He bit his tongue and lip and hated how metallic it felt now. He hated it all so much. He hated how his fingers still rubbed itself on his phone case, tracing out the outline he had memorized a thousand times before. He hated how the lump in his throat didn’t seem to go down no matter how much he swallowed, how his eyes felt so tired, but nothing was left in them. He hated how his eyes and heart still skipped beat when a head of white hair passed by outside, only to disappear again like it was never there at all, and how a bitter taste in his mouth rose at its disappointment. 

Defeated, all he could do now was rest his head against the seat, let his hair fall on his face, and hope that would be enough to cover the broken mess behind it. 

All the while, Aiku still hummed a joyful tune beside him. 

~

“We made it.” 

Reo reluctantly peered out the window. The truck halted to a stop in front of blinking lights and bustling crowds and buildings towering around them. Aiku was somehow able to find an empty spot amongst the chaos, where two faces stood waiting for them. 

The sight made Reo already want to roll his eyes to the back of his head. 

“Alright,” Aiku said, settling the car into park. His keys dangled and clinked together so Reo decided to focus on that rather than making eye contact. “Whether you like it or not, you’re not staying in my car. Go out there, have fun a little.” 

When he saw that Reo wasn’t budging, he lowered his voice to a mellow hum. “Between you and me, even I have some of these moments. When a girl dumps me-”

Reo suddenly opened the door.  

Out of the two, Chigiri was the first to catch his eye and come over. Kunigami was still tapping his phone, but he hurriedly put it away and followed suit. It seems they had to manuever the crowds to get to this spot because just before they split away, Reo saw a split second interlock of their hands. 

Reo still wanted to die, but only slightly less. 

“Thanks Aiku!” Chigiri said. Aiku nodded and waved them off. 

“No problem,” he said. Then he looked directly at Reo from the three. 

“And hey, don’t make this a habit, kiddo. School is important.“ 

“Aren’t you 2 years older than us-?” Chigiri said. 

“Like I said, you kids take care.” He drove away, leaving only the chatter and huddling of people on the busy street to surround them entirely. Having shone the entire day, even the sun was getting tired, and was drifting off towards the horizon. As if it was sick of them all and thought it would be better to just leave them alone. Without a care in the world.

“He thinks he’s all that because he can drive now…” 

“I’m pretty sure he just got his drivers’ license a month ago too.” 

Chigiri shook his head at Kunigami’s response. “Make that 3 weeks. Anyways, are we gonna get going?” Judging by the way his voice dropped in abrasiveness, the question was targeted at Reo. 

Reo didn’t say anything at first, and considered simply leaving them all together to wallow in his own self-pity. But the more he thought about Nagi enjoying himself without Reo around made him even more bitter than he already was. Because how unfair is it that he is the only one in despair? If anything, Reo is the one with a better support system than him. He has friends there to enjoy himself with. Nagi is the one lonely without him there. He’d be proving to him just what he’s missing out on. 

Determination flared up in Reo’s heart and he brushed past both Chigiri and Kunigami. “Let’s go.”

“Hell yeah.” 

“That’s the spirit.” 

Turns out the place they had arrived at was an arcade, and a large one at that. Noises of games beeping in victory and defeat and the reactionary whines of the players, along with the sounds of everything else chattering and yelling, followed them as they made their way through the machines. Kunigami nearly had to yell to get them to hear him. 

“The second floor is normally quieter, let’s go there.” 

The second floor had mostly tactile games. Many had a wheel attached while others required dancing or moving on a platform or pressing directly on the screen. Sure enough, while it was still a massive floor, it was less deafening than before. 

Chigiri looked around. “Isagi and Bachira said they would be around here, but didn’t specify the floor. I’ll just tell them we’re waiting for them here.” 

“Sounds good,” Kunigami said. 

While Chigiri texted, Reo looked around the floor. Some games were for prizes, but others were more competitive. They required 2 or more people to play. Reo tried not to stare at the people playing together, laughing and shoving one another in glee. 

“Hey Reo, are you going to buy some coins?”

By the entrance, Kunigami stood next to a machine with slots to enter money in. Reo briefly remembered his wallet inside his schoolbag, the one he left back home. 

“Oh, I didn’t bring anything with me..”

“Then here, I’ll buy some for you.” Reo was about to protest, but Kunigami was already putting some in. He gave zero hesitation , Reo thought. A bitter taste rose to his tongue and he mentally kicked himself hundred times over. Pity was the last thing he wanted.

If Chigiri or someone else was the one delivering the favor, Reo would’ve spoken out immediately. But, even in his fatigued and emotional state, he recognized that Kunigami wasn’t someone he particularly knew well, only that he was close to Chigiri. It wouldn’t be fair to assume this act was out of pity if he barely knew what he was like.

Reo peered at the bills stacked in Kunigami’s wallet. “You have a job, Kunigami right?” Out of what he remembered being told about him, that was the first to pop into his head.

“I do. I had a shift today, so I don’t mind spending a little for this.” There was an unspoken don’t worry in his words, soft as if coming from an older brother. He must have siblings , Reo thought to himself.

But wait, if today was a school day and it is around 4 right now, how did Kunigami have a shift? School ended not too long ago…

The machine sputtered and the clacking of coins halted any questions Reo might’ve asked. Kunigami collected them into two cups and handed one over to Reo. Although a large guy, he was a lot softer than he originally thought. Even if a part of this attitude was from pity…

“No response, whatever, they’re on their own now.” Chigiri put away his phone and was walking towards them. He shrugged his coat off and noticed the cups in Kunigami and Reo’s hand. “Where’s my coins?” 

“You didn’t want any, remember?” Kunigami said. 

“Who said that?” 

“You did?!” 

“Oh. Well, actually there’s a few games I want to try.. We’ll just use yours then.” 

“Eh?”

Chigiri looked around and spotted a certain section. He motioned them to come along. Kunigami muttered something but trailed after him anyways. Surprisingly he didn’t object to Chigiri using his coins. 

Chigiri was the one who brought him here, right? Reo started to put the pieces together in his head, but realized halfway through he was too tired to deal with this. He followed suit after them. 

The section they went towards had more games than he can count, but for some reason, Chigiri was breezing through most of them, occasionally stopping to consider one before continuing on anyways. He looked back at a few points at Reo, as if checking to make sure he was still there. 

“Didn’t you say you had one in mind?” Kunigami said. 

“I said I had a few and now I'm choosing which one.” 

“Does it matter either way?” 

“No, not really.” 

Kunigami looked around and nodded his head towards a game with a platform for dancing. Music blasted the loudest from the machine and there was already a small line formed behind it.  

“Okay then how about that one?” 

Chigiri pursued his lips but shook his head. “No, too many people waiting for it.”

Kunigami looked around again. “How about the one over there, there’s no one waiting for it.” 

“No, my sister plays that one and it takes forever.”

“How about this one?” 

“Too violent.” 

Chigiri and Kunigami’s words slowly dropped to a whisper. 

Their conversation quickly becomes blanketed by the endlessly rowdy people rushing past them. Reo finds himself tuning the two out in favor of the white noise. He didn’t know so much liveliness could come from the arcade games Nagi enjoyed so much. The way it connected people and their flourishing laughs that even the dark-lit room felt kissed by the sunlight. Even as much as-

Reo shook his head. Quickly realizing the thoughts he had let himself indulge in, he forced the unwanted feelings down, averting his eyes from everywhere until they were nowhere at all. It was better for his mind and vision to shrink into nothing than to be plagued by the emotions in his heart. 

Even so, anger can not help but bubble up into his chest. He hated the way it all felt so juvenile and yet all-encompassing. 

He played these games so much that he joked they were more important to him than Reo. For all the time that passed, what would Reo do with himself if that turned out to be true? 

“And this?” 

“Too tactile. And I’m bad at it.” 

Reo snapped back to Chigiri and Kunigami.

“No, not that one either.” 

“And what’s the reason this time?”  

“I’m just not feeling that one.”

“Dude…” 

Chigiri laughed and nudged Kunigami slightly. There was a sort of friendly touchyness between them that suddenly became very clear, travelling through the air as the brush of their hands passed as a shadow on Reo’s. A gone-past warmness belonging to a distant memory. At least, it felt that way. 

Reo put his hands in his pockets. His eyes shifted to the floor and just as he was about to scold himself once more, his name was called out from beside him. Chigiri, suddenly all smiles, held out his phone while behind him, Kunigami was putting coins into a machine. “Reo, do you mind holding this?” 

He couldn’t even get an answer out before Chigiri rushed back over. Distant giggling could be heard, and whether it was from the scene in front of him or from a bygone memory, Reo wasn’t sure. But what he did know was that it felt all too far away. 

He took a deep breath. He blinked something away. He ruffled his hair. He shook his head and pressed his hand hard against it. As if trying to claw out the sound, the sight, the voice, his voice. 

The attempt came with little success, and anger rumbled slowly in his chest. But just as he tried breathing one more time, and to build it all up again, his hand vibrated. The phone Chigiri had given him lit up. He looked down on split-second instinct, and saw that behind the notification blinking slowly, two faces shone on the screen. 

Two shining beaming faces. A picture living in a time they believed would last forever. 

Reo stared at the picture and the more he stared, the more his mind raced, the more the ceiling and walls closed into a ball eerily similar to that of a specific night and the more it lingered, pressing against his skin but also falling apart before him, the more his chest hurted until he could hardly breathe. Racing to try to numb itself before everything could slip faster than he could grab it, his mind beat loudly and he could hardly see, hardly hear, hardly feel anything at all. 

The phone stinged his hand, and feeling it burn leaving ashes, he somehow found Chigiri in the midst and placed it somewhere he could see it. 

“Re-?”

“Sorry, I..I just have to.. I- bathroom..”

He darted away before his mouth could betray him more. Distantly he heard his name called but it only drowned under the yelling of everything else. Of the people pressing so close beside him, his chest had no room, and the lights blinding every step until the floor deserted him all entirely. There was shaking and blurriness everywhere, in everything, in all that he heard. 

Since when has the world felt so dizzying, so suffocating, and yet so painfully far? 

At some point, Reo felt his feet move again. The shouting subsided. There were no longer swarms of people but empty machine slots keeping him company. Not a single soul was around from where he stood, finally alone and barely held together at the seams. His breath finally came into his lungs and a wave of exhaustion washed over him. 

He leaned against one of the machines. He breathed slowly while his chest still hurted. 

There was no calmness. Just the absence of chaos. 

Because thoughts were too heavy to pass through, only disordered feelings crept its way in. It flared up at everything he saw or heard. Nostalgia at the broken arcade machines. Relief at the silence plaguing the air. Anger at the happy blinking lights. Aching from… what was he aching from?

The sudden coherent thought dimmed his anger’s flickering flares. Leaving as suddenly as it came, the silence tinged with distant, distant noise. Filled with talking and laughter and oblivousness, all that he purposely ran away from because deserved happiness is a fickle thing. 

Ah… that’s right, isn’t it? Despite what he told himself, he didn’t believe he deseserved to enjoy himself, even now. Here he was, still the only one wallowing in self-pity. Not Nagi. Not Chigiri or Kunigami or the rest of the world, they don’t just all stop for him to catch up. No matter what, they continue to run forward, forever to an enternal destination. No one looks back because they trust that whoever's running along is living for that journey, keeping up because they have the strength to. 

As for Reo, well…he didn’t know if he could. If his legs could take him that far. 

Or if he deserved it at all. 

Waiting for the hurt in his chest to swallow him completely, he stared desperately at his shoes. Prepared to wait and wait for forever.  

But just before the seams could come loose, footsteps came into the lane close by. They were heavy, but gentle. The steps stopped a few feet away, then treaded forward as if coming towards a small animal. A pattern so distinct even though he has only felt it once before. 

The figure eventually reached him, and stopped by him quietly. Reo didn’t know whether he should feel grateful for the silence until the person leaned back right beside him, against the machine, and held out a napkin. The type that a restaurant or maybe cafe normally had. 

Reo looked at the napkin Kunigami offered him, and while he hesitated, he gave into defeat anyway. He wiped the napkin against his eyes. Still feeling a dull ache everywhere, he thought, and eventually said, “You work at a cafe, don’t you?”

“...How did you-?”

“But Chigiri was the one to pull you away and ask for help. You don’t just ditch your shift for anyone, I’m not an idiot, I can connect the pieces.” He stopped, and bit his lip to stop from crumbling again. A bitter laugh came out instead. 

Kunigami didn’t say anything for a long time. Reo continued watching the lights from the machine glimmer and blink on the floor. From the closed and deserted machines. “I couldn’t stand it… being forced to watch. Knowing…” 

Kunigami stayed silent. 

“It still hurts too much,” Reo finally said. 

“...You don’t have to be alone, you know.” 

For the first time, Reo looked up from the ground. Kunigami held a considerate, but determined look on his face. 

“It’s easier when you let yourself be with the people who care about you.” 

Maybe he had said this to someone once before. Maybe that’s why he knew it would be effective, and knew how to say those words so confidently and with conviction. But even so, it felt like a truck had hit Reo hard in his stomach. 

He couldn’t stand to look up anymore, so he threws his eyes down. He thought of everything, and why the world feeling so suffocating made him fall into hopelessness. How it had worsened when he heard the voice of Chigiri in the morning, or the faces of his friends with their attention and care pointed towards him, and how somehow his heart still fell so suddenly when they turned away to their own happiness. Leaving him completely. The idea of people caring enough to be there with him, and the self-worth that required him to accept it. 

Reo finally recognized what the growing pain in his chest was. Loneliness. 

“Haha..that’s kind of pathetic.. Isn’t it?” 

He laughed. If he didn’t, he might’ve started crying again. Not that it worked, because Kunigami handed him the napkin once more. 

Reo held and gripped it tightly in his hands. 

“Hey, Kunigami, do you have any siblings?”

“Yeah. Two sisters, one younger, one older.” 

“I don’t. My parents only had me to be the heir to the corporation. But sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to have one. I think… that if I had an older brother, he would’ve been something like you.” 

Kunigami smiled. “Hey, I’m not the only one helping. The rest of us are here too.” 

“Ha, Chigiri has always been bad at this emotional stuff. Knowing him, that’s probably why he asked you for help. That, and you guys are almost as bad as Bachira and Isagi.” Reo smiled slightly at the tinge of pink on Kunigami’s face. 

“But still… I’m grateful you all came.” 

“You should tell that to Chigiri. He was the one who arranged this.”

“Haha, you’re right.” 

The people who care about you..

Kunigami stood up straight from leaning against the machine, and looked at Reo. “Are you ready to go back?” 

“Yeah… Yeah, I am.” 

As they walked back into the bustling crowds of the still slightly-less full floor, Reo looked up at the ceiling. At the smooth tiles covering up the sky behind it, where perhaps the sun was still taking its sweet time down. Maybe the reason the world looked so hopeless was because he wasn’t looking at the right places. 

All that he had thought about for the past day was of… that night. In some ways, when it happened, a piece of him was stolen away. The piece of him that saw the light and color in the sky was gone, and he felt like he’d lost it forever. 

But what if he hasn’t? 

What if he could rebuild it, all over again, now with more than two pairs of hands? Would that make it stronger? Could he even grow it into something more than it was before? 

Was that even possible? 

They all believed so. Chigiri, Kunigami, even Bachira and Isagi who cared enough to tag along when he knew today specifically was their date night. Or Aiku, who definitely had a college class right around now but still drove them here. Or even Ba-ya, who took the time to find his phone because Reo knew he didn’t bother bringing it back with him. 

Even without ‘him’, he wasn’t alone. And that in itself was more reassuring than Reo ever thought it could be. 

Maybe he could run forward with this fast-paced world after all. 

While Kunigami was looking down at his phone, Reo looked around at the games. He thought of which he wanted to play, which one he could kick Chigiri’s or Bachira’s ass with. Maybe he should call Ba-ya to grab his schoolbag for him too, since that would be better than depending on Kunigami’s wallet. He wondered at what time the arcade closed. How many hours they had left to enjoy themselves. How long he had to make up for everything.

Reo looked around, and suddenly heard Chigiri’s voice from around the corner. It was loud, so maybe he had found Bachira or Isagi and had already started on a machine. That impatient jerk. 

Reo smiled and quickly walked forward in front of Kunigami. And sure enough, a reddish-pink head of hair could be spotten in the corner, making a commotion with someone else. 

“Hey-”

 “-at some stupid game?! Is that what you think??”

“Guys, we really shouldn’t-”

“For real, I don’t know how you-”

Bachira stopped. Out of them all, he was the first to catch Reo’s gaze. His eyes went wide. Realization clearly settled on his face. He elbowed Isagi and moved towards the others. To grab their attention. 

But Chigiri hardly noticed. He opened his mouth to say something once more, but stopped in his tracks. Confusion washed over his expression, until he turned, and a similar look of realization took its place. 

Because the person he was yelling at, with a messy white head of hair and an oversized similarly white hoodie, tired half-closed eyes that looked like he didn’t have a care in the world, stopped. 

And stared straight back. 

Time stopped, for a short brief period in time, until the next thing Reo knew, he was running as hard as he could. 

~

“Reo, wait!”

Fuck, Kunigami thought. Of course Nagi would be here, why did he not think of that he suggested this place? 

Kunigami ran forward, but was yanked back by a strong arm. 

Reo disappeared beyond the lanes, running far into the crowds that were somehow getting larger. Kunigami grit his teeth, and looked down to see Chigiri gripping his arm. His eyes were fuming, staring daggers ready to kill at a second’s notice. 

“Hey!” Behind him, Isagi moved towards them. “Why aren’t we going after him? Kunigami?”

“Is he already gone??” Bachira came up from behind. 

Kunigami looked up, and saw a brief glance of Nagi running off as well . He looked back down at Chigiri, who tightened his grip. 

“Look, I know what we said but.. He’ll just make it worse,” Chigiri whispered. Kunigami smiled at the hand he was holding his arm with. Despite feeling that way, he still made an effort to stop him when Kunigami had almost ran after Reo on impulse. 

“They need to talk,” Kunigami said softly. Chigiri loosened his hand, but frustration still flared on his expression.

Kunigami looked back up at Bachira and Isagi. “What happened with you guys?” 

“We came down here after searching the first floor,” Isagi said. “And we found Nagi. We were gonna go straight over to you guys, since figured we shouldn’t make a scene. But then Chigiri found us, and well…”

“What were you three doing?” Bachira asked. 

Kunigami hesitated. “Reo was still feeling down, so we tried to help him a bit… Sorry I didn’t realize Nagi would be here-” 

“Don’t be,” Chigiri interjected. “He shouldn’t have been here at all.” 

Chigiri glanced over at Isagi. “Isagi, let’s say that you broke up with Bachira.” 

Isagi blinked. “Huh, but I wouldn’t-” 

“It’s a hypothetical . Let’s say you broke up with him and gave the vaguest reason eve. Bachira, how would you feel?” 

“Like my world had just collapsed.” 

“Bachira…” Isagi said.

“And how would you feel if, let’s say, you saw him the next day, enjoying himself like nothing had ever happened?”

“I’d questioned the entire meaning of our relationship.” Bachira responded matter-of-factly. “But Isagi wouldn’t do that.” He looked beside him and smiled, where Isagi looked like he was going to melt to the floor. 

“Exactly, because you two are the most cavity-inducing couple in the world. But Nagi thinks it’s nothing whatsoever, and happily going about his day, do you see where the problem is? It’s like he doesn’t even care at all, and thinks Reo shouldn’t care.”

Kunigami thought about it for a minute. “But wouldn’t that also be the case vice versa right now, since Nagi saw Reo hanging out with us?” 

“That’s different . We had to drag him out, that part’s immediately understood when you see a heartbroken person with a group of people. Besides, Nagi was the one who broke up with him, not the other way around.” Chigiri looked back at the direction Nagi ran off to. 

“I just wish that dumbass had a bit more emotional awareness.” 

“Hmm…,” Bachira said. “To be honest, I don’t think Nagi’s as indifferent about this as you think he is.” 

“What do you mean?” Isagi asked. 

“Well, when he was at school, he didn’t look exactly happy either, did he….?” 

Isagi scratched his head. “Huh… now that you mention it.”

Kunigami looked down at Chigiri’s hand that was on his arm. He settled his on top. He didn’t move it. Chigiri didn’t either. 

~

I’m so fucking stupid. 

Reo slowed down when he got out of the arcade, but still speed-walk his way through. Somehow, the streets were even more crowded than before, if that was even possible. He pushed and shoved several down, most of which snappd back at him with remarks he was too far away to hear. 

They probably think he’s an entitled brat or something, who thinks the entire street belongs to him. They’re not entirely wrong; Reo couldn’t be bothered to think of others right now, or of anything else other than his own beating heart ravaging inside his chest. 

Because of course , he would fucking be there. The anger at being right was so sour he wanted to throw up. Tear it out of his throat so he could see it in all of its disgusting glory. He wanted to yell at himself for it, for getting so much better only to crumble back down worse than before. How pathetic is it that he could run away from his resolve to move forward from simply seeing him again once? 

He wasn’t ready after all– he had just distanced himself from that night enough so that he could delude himself into thinking it was less than it actually was, and seeing that bastard again destroyed that delusion so much faster than he had built it up in the first place. 

He really didn’t think of Reo at all. He really did go out there to enjoy himself without a care in the world. Reo didn’t matter to him. How many people has Reo thought cared about him when in reality they were lying or playing up an act? If years couldn’t matter to someone, how could he trust that less could? How did he know that Chigiri didn’t just drag him out because he saw the opportunity to see his little crush? How did he know Kunigami didn’t just say everything he did because Reo was bringing down the mood, and wanted to have fun despite him? Maybe Bachira and Isagi were dragged over too, against their will, maybe he destroyed their date night, maybe Aiku really didn’t want to drive him, maybe Ba-ya only found his phone because his parents told her to. Maybe nothing anyone has ever done for him has been for him after all, but for everything despite it. Because no matter what, Reo was going to be right here, aching and hurting while dragging them all down with him.

Reo pushed his way through as if trying to escape himself, from the self-hatred digging itself in at a rate he couldn’t stop. From the suffocation that was killing him. He was running away, and yet, Reo, with all his might, desperately wished something would find him at the end of this path. 

So when Reo opened his eyes once more, and slowed his steps to a halt, there was a sick kind of relieved sigh that came out of him. Tears finally flowed out. 

He had arrived to the park. Their park. 

The first place he truly felt loved...

Reo slouched on the bench. The sun rippled itself way through the sky, and a rigid cold breeze shuffled across. It brushed against his bare arms and face in warm embraces as the tears flowed through. Like a mother comforting a child as she held him in her arms.  

It was such a foreign feeling that Reo couldn’t help but indulge himself in it, so there he sat, wanting to feel it for as long as he could. 

He wanted to breathe in that embrace, and feel it in his heart. 

Reo didn’t know long he sat there. Whether it’d been a few minutes or a few hours. However, just as he started to close his eyes, something warm settled across his shoulders. 

Reo blinked, though the dried up tears made it a bit hard to. Had a stranger taken pity on him and gave him a jacket? They shouldn’t really– he had more than enough to buy his own. They would be giving it to someone who didn’t need it. Or deserved it for that matter. 

But just as Reo was going to look up, a head of white hair settled on the space next to him out of the corner of his eye. Reo blinked. That couldn’t be him. But… did he know another tall man with white hair? 

Reo sat in silence. Just a few moments earlier, he had been so angry he wanted to scream. Just a few hours earlier, he’d been thinking of everything he wanted to say to this idiot that he couldn’t earlier, wishing they could talk. But now that he was here, next to him face-to-face, Reo realized he was too tired to say anything at all. 

But as the silence stretched onwards, everything piled on top of each other faster than Reo could make sense of it. Until he couldn’t take it anymore. 

“You aren’t going to say anything?” 

“Do you want me to say something?” Nagi responded. 

That was the first time he’d heard Nagi’s voice since last night. Reo laughs bitterly. Funnily enough, he still had some anger left in him. “Since when have my feelings ever mattered when you did something?” 

He responded so calmly too. Reo was right, and he hated himself for it. He closed his eyes, expecting another lie, a repeat of what Nagi always said when Reo asked those kinds of questions. Like “that’s not true” or “You’re wrong” or something stupid like that. Like he always-

“Is that what you think?” 

Reo stopped. 

It was the quietness in Nagi’s words that made Reo’s thought processes come to a halt. How.. genuine he sounded. When Reo looked up to see Nagi, he had turned his head and was rubbing his neck with his hand. Cogs visibly turned his head. 

“I’m sorry,” Nagi finally said.

He looked back at Reo. Reo stared at him, dumbfounded.  

He wasn’t even sure he heard that correctly. However, Reo quickly regained his dignity and he scoffed at the remark. “You think just that will fix everything? A simple ‘sorry’?”

“What do you mean?” 

Reo swore to god he wanted to knock over the head of this oblivious dumbass. “Do you know how I have felt this entire morning? Did you think about that? Did you consider me at all before you decided to enjoy yourself without a care in the world? The hurt I felt?”

“You came to the arcade too.”

“Only because Chigiri and the rest had to drag me out. I even missed the entire goddamn school day because of you, did you notice that? Do you…” Do you even care at all ? 

Nagi didn’t say anything. Reo, suddenly tired from yelling, held his head down, turned away. He bit his lip. Don’t cry. Reo scorned himself. Don’t let him see you like this. He looked up to dry the tears away, and saw the trail the sun always left at sunset. A staple of the cold weather. 

He stared and couldn't stop himself from whispering one more thing. 

“Did I matter to you Nagi?” He hated how small his voice was, but nothing he could do could stop it. “Can you at least tell me your feelings, after all these years?”

Reo knew he was exposing himself right now. He was letting his hurt and pain show itself more than he could care to admit, and in some ways this was worse than letting Nagi see him cry. 

Nagi didn’t say anything. Reo felt his anguish drop into the pits of stomach, deeper and deeper into an eternal pit. 

In hindsight, it was a stupid question. Reo already knew the answer. So why did he ask it, and why, in the depths of his heart, did he say to himself, over and over, ‘please say yes. Please say yes. ’ 

‘Please tell me I meant something.’

He was setting himself up for disaster, Reo knew, and he became more certain of this fact the longer Nagi sat in silence. But it was the anticipation that tortured Reo as the seconds passed by. Until finally, Reo couldn’t stand it anymore, so he bit the bullet and glanced at Nagi. 

Reo could hardly believe his eyes. Nagi, the careless bored dumbass he’d known for years, who never let himself be flustered or show a tinge of embarrassment, held his head in his hand. He wasn’t even looking at him, his posture was worse than usual, and his ears were bright red. They are probably hot too , Reo thought, and he stopped himself from touching them, to prove to himself that this was real. 

“Yes, you matter to me.” Nagi said. “A lot. More than… More than I can put into words.”

Reo felt his world crumbling, but in a different way than before. He bit his lip and looked away. All that hope was meant to be a lie, a delusion. “...I don’t believe you.”

“Then I’ll keep saying it.” Nagi said, fast and with his head turned up to look at Reo directly. He stared with such conviction, and motivation , Reo wanted to turn away from it. It was too blinding, too caring, Reo didn’t deserve to have all of it directed at him. But at the same time, it was hypnotic, and he couldn’t look away. “I’ll keep saying it until you believe me.” 

Reo felt his hand graze the tips of his, and pulled away. 

His head spun; his heart beated so incredibly loudly in his ears. 

“Why…”

Nagi kept staring at him. 

“When you say it like that… it makes me want to believe you.”

“Then you should.”

“Then tell me why you did it!” Reo finally shouted. “Tell me why you broke up with me last night, said I would be ‘happier’, left me without so much as an explanation, and went to school the next day like nothing fucking happened! 4 years, gone, and without an ounce of remorse!”

Reo wanted to stop, but he couldn’t.

“This entire time, I felt like there was something wrong with me , and that no one could ever love me again. That’s how I felt like. I thought I was destined to be alone forever, so don’t come to me with that shit when you’ve done everything to tell me the opposite.” Reo breathed heavily before deciding he couldn’t handle this anymore. He got up to run, to where he didn’t know. But Nagi grabbed his hand back. 

“Stop let me-!”

“No, I’m not letting you be alone again.” 

Reo stopped. He turned back. Nagi looked at him. 

“I-” He started, but he looked back down again. Then, as if building up his courage, he spoke slowly at first. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have done that. Chigiri- Chigiri told me what happened with you. I thought that I should have left you alone because seeing me after that would only make you feel worse. But Reo… I also have a question for you.” He bit his lip. Reo, for a brief second, saw a glossiness in his eyes. 

“What do you want to do after graduation?” 

Reo blinked. “...huh?” 

He noticed Nagi hadn’t let go of his hand, and he was squeezing it hard. “Are we... still going to be together after?” 

“What do you mean?” 

Nagi breathed out a bit, and Reo realized he’d been holding it in. “I’ve decided which college I’m going to. A far one. You’re probably going to stay, since you’re the heir of your family’s corporation. Unless we decide to go long-distance, none of this-” He squeezed his hand more. “-is going to last. I’m saying, what’s next for both of us after this?”

“Hold on,” Reo said, clearly missing something. “Where is this coming from? You’re going far away for college?” 

Nagi hesitated. “Yeah… I am. And I’ve made up my mind on it.”

“Ha… Is that it?” Reo laughed bitterly. “And you think it would be easier for me if we broke up instead of doing long-distance? Has that been the entire issue?”

“Not just that.” Nagi stepped closer. Reo held his breath, and faster than he could process it, he felt the brush of his lips against his. For a second, then two, then three. Nagi pulled away, his cheeks a rosy pink, maybe from either from the cold or their kiss. 

“I wouldn’t be able to do that.” Nagi said. “And I don’t know how I can last without doing that every time I see you.” 

If Reo wasn’t mad at him, he would have gone up and kissed him back for longer. He thought about what Nagi said, and still felt a bitter taste in his mouth. “We would have worked something out. Why didn’t you just tell me that? You think.. I would have been better off without you?” 

“It was in the heat of the moment, I guess. I couldn’t- stand looking at you and needing to talk about that without crumbling apart. So I decided to rip the bandage off. Also… I didn’t think you’d react in that way.” 

“What did you think, then, bastard? That I wouldn’t react, that I didn’t care about you as much as I showed that I did?” 

Nagi didn’t give an answer. All at once, a sudden realization hit Reo. The feelings of loneliness and self-hatred and self-isolation that he had felt earlier. All of which lasted for a grand total of one day. Has.. Nagi felt that way? How long has he been…? 

Reo took a gulp of air and pulled Nagi forward. Before Nagi could yelp, Reo locked their lips together. Their lip placement was clumsy, so Reo adjusted himself better and deepened the kiss for as long he could. Eventually Reo ran out of breath and he pulled away. Nagi stared back, just as breathless. This time, his cheeks were profusely red. 

“Well I do. You matter to me, Nagi, and when you broke up with me like that, it felt like my world had collapsed. ” 

Reo knew his feelings of loneliness came from the break-up, and although he didn’t know what had caused Nagi’s, he knew exactly what to say. 

“I don’t know what happened, or what made you suddenly think about after graduation, but whatever it is, it’ll be easier when you let yourself be with the people who care about you.” He grabbed Nagi’s hand with his other one, until he was holding it with both of his and bringing it up to his lips. Then he brought it close to his forehead. 

“So please. Don’t let yourself think I’ll be happier without you. Okay?”

Reo felt their hands shaking. He didn’t know if it was from his or Nagi’s, but either way, he only squeezed them harder. As he kept his eyes closed and angled towards the ground, he felt something press against his head. 

“Okay..” 

Nagi squeezed his hands back. 

“Okay. I’m sorry.”

“You already apologize.”

“Then I’ll say it again. Until you can take me back.”

“Stupid… you don’t need to earn me back. I love you enough as it is.”

“...”

“And I’ll keep loving you, Nagi. Until then, we’ll figure it out.”

“I love you…” Nagi echoed quietly. He gave out a shaky breath.

“You’re not unloveable, Reo. I’ve always loved you. And no matter what happens, I’ll love you, I’ll love you, I’ll love you.”  

(I’ll keep saying it until you believe me.)

Until it becomes your reality.

~ 

“Have we decided yet?”

“I’ve told you, after I finish eating.”

“Aw… but you said you were gonna be nicer to me from now on.” 

“No I didn’t...??”

“You said you’d be all lovey dovey and tell me how much you care about me all the time-”

“Ha, you fucking bastard, you’re putting words in my mouth now.”

“So you don’t?”

“...yes, yes I do care about you Nagi, now let me finish my lunch.” 

“Even after graduation?”

“Yes after graduation, when you’ll move away and I’ll come visit you every other weekend-”

“Every weekend.”

“Nagi, I can’t-”

“You said every weekend though?”

“...Fine, every weekend.”

“You never know Reo, I might get swept off my feet by another man when I’m there.”

“... that wouldn’t happen…”

“No, it wouldn’t. I’ll tell them I already have an amazing, perfect boyfriend. Who's also rich.” 

“Do you really have to add that last part?”

“Yeah.”

“If you just see me for my money, I might have to leave you. Then you won’t have anyone else to feed you during lunch~”

“Aww, but I like it.”

“Then appreciate me a little more, and I might give you some.”

“Can I give you a kiss to make up for it?”

“Nagi, you know you can’t-”

“Get a goddamn room already!” Chigiri yelled from across the table. Reo and Nagi, who’s faces were inches away from each other, hardly reacted. Kunigami laughed from beside him. 

“I think they’re a little too absorbed into their own world. Good thing they’ve made up.”

Chigiri sighed. “Yeah, but that just means I'm surrounded by yet another couple.” He moved his fork around his plate. “Too bad I’m the only one single and lonely… Well, at least I have you Kunigami.” 

“Oh, yeah…”

The two fell silent, and quietly ate their food.

Am I not being obvious enough?? Chigiri thought, surfing through all the hints he knows he’d given so far without a single reciprocation. 

This is hell, but he has no idea… Kunigami thought, turning his head away to hide his own blush. 

On the other end, Bachira and Isagi looked at them. 

“Uh, you know you guys are-?”

“Don’t bother, just let them figure it out.”