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“Hey, Angel. I’ve… got some bad news, I’m afraid.”
“Oh dear.”
“I’m being reassigned.”
Aziraphale blinked at him, relieved. “Oh, well, if that’s all. Reassigned? To where?”
“Little city called Gotham.”
“Gotham?”
“Mm, yes. Fraid so. Supposed to be a walk in the park, really. Your lot haven’t had anyone stationed there for the last decade or so.”
“I’m very aware. We’ve been stretched thin in that zone for a while now. Well, that’s about to change, isn’t it?”
“Scuse me?”
“I’ll have to start packing, and find a new location for the shop, of course, but —”
“Really? Just like that?”
“Well, of course. I’ll put in for a transfer right away. Not like I’d want to stay here without you.”
“Not quite as picturesque as we’re used to, is it?”
“Oh, I dunno, I quite like it. So, what do you think of Gotham, then?”
Aziraphale made a few noises like he was trying to find something polite to say, but he stopped before he could manage any real words. “Crowley, do you see that, over there?”
“Hmm?”
“Those vines. Are they getting closer?”
“Ooh, yes, forgot to warn you about that. Her name’s Poison Ivy, you’ll like her. She’s been helping me with the house plants.”
Crowley followed Aziraphale’s lead and peered over the edge of the building into the alleyway. “Is this the boy you’ve gotten so fond of? The one you were telling me about?”
“Yes, that’s the one. I know I shouldn’t play favorites, but Crowley — if there was any doubt that humans are fundamentally good, the people in this city should be proof. The fact that anyone keeps trying, after all they have to go through — some of them really are extraordinary.”
“What’s he doing down there?”
“I believe he is stealing tires.”
“Isn’t that the — what d’you call it?”
“The Batmobile!” Aziraphale said, giddy with excitement.
“So? Are you going to stop him?”
“Oh no, quite the opposite.”
“How’s that?”
“I’ve tightened up a few bolts. Just enough to keep him occupied for a few minutes. You’ll see.”
Aziraphale didn’t seem inclined to share his umbrella, so Crowley conjured one of his own.
“Did you know this was going to happen?” Aziraphale asked, without looking at him. His eyes were fixed on the handful of people across the cemetery, barely visible in the driving rain. “Did you know that he’d come back… like that?”
“I… had an inkling.”
“Crowley. Did you know?”
“Yes, Angel. I knew.”
“And you just let it happen?”
“Come on, now, don’t look at me like that, you know it’s out of my hands when they leave my assigned territory.”
“You could’ve done something!”
“You think I didn’t try? I didn’t find out until he was already on the plane, and at that point — I was told, in no uncertain terms, that no-one was allowed to intervene.”
“He’s a child, Crowley! He’s a child who—” He stops, hand over his mouth, eyes welling up, and shakes his head.
“I suppose you already tried to request a miracle on your end of things?”
“I left a message. A few messages.”
“Nothing?”
“Radio silence.”
“They wouldn’t give me a good explanation either,” Crowley admitted heavily. “Just… part of the grand plan, apparently.”
“I know I need to trust in the plan, but —” Aziraphale closed his eyes and clearly tried to compose himself for a moment. “He tried to be good. They all try so hard. And I don’t understand.”
“Angel. I think there’s something you should see.”
“His grave? Is this some sort of joke?”
“Dead serious. Well, in a manner of speaking. Any chance you have a shovel handy?”
“A shovel?”
“Well, I think he may need some help. You know. Digging himself out.”
“Oh. Oh! Oh dear.”
“Right. Miracle. That works too.”
“Well? Help him out! Oh my.”
“Are you alright? Can you hear me?”
“Who the fuck are you? Get your fuckin’ hands off me!”
“Oh, no, child, it’s alright, we’re here to help!”
“Come on now, there’s no need for that. I’m sure this is quite a shock, but — oof.”
“At least let us drive you home?”
“Fuck no, I’m walking. Take that, creepy-ass grave-robbing pedo pieces of shit.”
“...right. Well.”
“Yes, I can see what you mean about that one. Real charmer. Nice job pretending you have genitals, by the way, well done.”
“As if you were any better. Should we at least make sure he gets back safely?”
“Something tells me he can take it from here, Angel.”