Chapter Text
Joe
Urgh, I feel like shit.
I thought I might feel better waking up to a fresh new morning, but all I can think about from the moment I open my eyes is that Kit and I have to act like we’re in love all day today, and then we’re going our separate ways and I won’t see him for 3 weeks. My emotions about both of those things are so scattered it’s hard for me to force myself out of bed.
I can still feel his lips against the back of my hand, so I get in the shower and scrub myself until all traces of him are gone. I’ll get over this, they’re just feelings. I’ve had feelings before and I’ll have them again. There are plenty of pretty famous (and smoking hot) people in my DMs right now, maybe I’ll reply to one of them. I need to do something to wipe the feeling of Kit’s hands and the sound of his scratchy morning voice from my brain.
I message Tobie and ask if he wants to go grab a coffee once we’ve been for hair and makeup and he immediately accepts my offer. Based on the sympathetic looks he was giving me yesterday I know he knows I need to talk.
I don’t knock for Kit, I just head down on my own and get a car to where I need to be so they can make me look like Charlie. Aside from the whole Kit thing, I’m looking forward to being someone else for the day. I’m hoping throwing myself into my character will make me feel a little bit less like someone’s punched me in the chest. At least Charlie has a successful love life. Good for him, the smug little dickhead.
Tobie meets me outside and we walk along the street to Starbucks. He’s quiet and lets me collect my thoughts before I speak.
“So does everyone else think there’s something going on now?” I eventually ask, squinting into the weak sun as it starts to rise in the sky.
“Erm…” Tobie starts, sheepish. “Well you have to admit both of your reactions were a bit weird.”
I sigh. “Yeah, it was a shock. More for Kit than for me I think.”
“The poor kid’s been through a lot,” Tobie replies, nodding. “You both have.” He hesitates before he continues. “So what happened?”
“We’ve decided to stop,” I shrug as I stuff my hands into my puffy coat pockets. “We got lucky with that photo to be honest, it could’ve been a lot worse and we both decided it was better if we quit while we’re ahead, before things get messy.”
Tobie hums sadly. “Sorry JoeJoe.” I don’t know why he’s apologising, he’s not the one who came onto me, fucked me, made me fall for him and then broke things off with me.
“It was never gonna last anyway,” I say, trying to keep my voice level, “so whatever.”
Tobie shoots me a look but we’re at Starbucks now so we can’t talk about it. I order the most complicated coffee I can find on the menu because I know he’s itching to impart some wisdom and I’m not sure I’m ready to hear it. How irritating that he just knows it wasn’t a completely mutual decision.
“You know Kit really cares about you,” Tobie says as soon as we’re alone again, on our way back to set.
I roll my eyes. “Obviously.” I can feel my sadness turning into petty anger and I can’t help it. I’ve entered the next stage of the grieving process now and I couldn’t stop it if I tried. Yes, Kit Connor is lovely, kind, has a heart of gold, would never hurt a fly, blah blah, change the fucking record.
“I’m just saying. It wasn’t just him that got shit when he started dating Maia. It was Maia too.”
I suck silently on my straw, my eyebrows pulled together. I’m not sure what he’s getting at.
“... Okay.”
“If he’s worried about what’ll happen if you guys were to ever try being ‘more’ than what you are now,” he makes quotation marks with his fingers as we walk, “then he’s not just worrying about himself. I bet you any amount of money that he’s thinking about you too. You put on this big persona but we know you, Joe. We know that what people write on the internet gets to you sometimes.”
I bite down hard on my straw as I process what he’s saying. I know that time was eye opening for Kit; he realised for the first time that he’d never be able to have a normal relationship again and it was hard for him to come to terms with that. I get it, that happened to me too, practically overnight. We got to act our age this week, laughing and fucking and being normal. I understand that we were lucky to have that opportunity and that we’re not guaranteed to get it again any time soon.
“He’s already publicly said he’ll always be really careful about who he gets involved with from now on. That tells me all I need to know, Tobes.” I straighten up as we approach the set. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I’m fine. It was just a stupid fuck buddies situation and we’re both better off moving on.”
Tobie is utterly unconvinced by my half-hearted attempt to end the current topic of conversation and I don’t blame him, but we’re back in the thick of it now so he doesn’t get the chance to corner me again.
Kit
Today has been one of the hardest filming days of my career. Acting opposite Joe, who can barely look me in the eye when we’re not rolling, has been a form of torture when all I want to do is pull him against me and kiss him until his fake Charlie Spring smiles become real Joe Locke ones.
I want to tell him this is hard for me too. Our week together might have been a bit of a wild whirlwind of emotions but I still wouldn’t change anything. I’m glad I made a move when we were pressed up against the balcony railing. I’m glad I knocked on his door after everyone had gone to bed. It’s not gonna be easy to find someone else who gets me the way Joe does, and I know that means it’ll probably take me a lot longer than 3 weeks to get over him.
So yeah, maybe I’ve been a tiny bit in denial about exactly how much I broke rule number two.
Honestly, looking back on it now it seems so stupid that we thought we’d be able to fuck without feelings. We’d been flirting for months before that and there was a different energy when we were at events together or out for drinks. I was curious about how Joe would feel up against me ages ago. Too many times I had to stop my train of thought around him because I reminded myself that he was fresh out of a relationship with a good friend of mine and thinking about him in that way was pointless.
I still haven’t replied to Bash. I don’t know what to say. Do I come clean and tell him something did happen between us, or is there no need to do that now that Joe and I are over? I know he’s with someone else now and seems happy, but I still fucked his ex. That’s bad no matter how you look at it. I’m like Nick in a lot of ways and avoiding conflict is one of them, so it’s pretty likely that message will remain read and not replied to until the inevitable shitstorm arrives at my front door. I’m not proud of it but that’s me, I guess. I’m a ‘cross that bridge when I get to it’ kinda guy.
We’re out at a bar to celebrate our successful week of filming coming to an end, so now Joe and I are sitting opposite one another and our drinks have barely been touched as we make conversation with everyone else but each other. I hate this. I want to talk to him, to hear whatever biting insult he’s got in his arsenal and watch his mouth curve into a playful smile once he’s delivered it. I know we’ll be fine, we’ve weathered worse, but this initial awkwardness is killing me. I miss him and I need to have a conversation about something real before we go our separate ways for 3 weeks.
When he gets up to go get more drinks I follow him without letting myself think too hard about it. He looks startled when he reaches the end of the bar and notices me but doesn’t tell me to leave, resting his chin on his hand as he looks up at me.
“I think everyone suspects there’s something going on between us,” he says once he’s sure we’re out of earshot. The music is loud and it's a good cover so no one in the vicinity can hear our conversation. “Not that it really matters anymore since there’s no truth to it now.”
“Are you angry with me?” I ask, chewing my lip as I drum my fingers on the smooth surface.
Joe sighs. “No, sorry. I just… I wish we didn’t have to follow all these shit rules just because we’re in the spotlight. I’m angry in general.”
I nod. “I meant everything I said last night. I -” I swallow heavily. Fuck it. “I still want you. It’s just…”
His sharp blue eyes meet mine and my words die in my throat. “I know, Kit. Me too.”
I wonder how long it’ll take for my heart to stop trying to escape my chest every time he looks at me or speaks to me with that tone of voice.
We smile tentatively at each other, and it feels like some of the ice has thawed between us. I feel myself relax slightly. This might be a shit situation but at least we don’t hate each other and that’s all I care about.
“Drink?” he asks, the usual twinkle in his eye back where it belongs. “I’m gonna head back but I’ll get the round in first.”
“Actually, I think I’m gonna go back too. Not really in a party mood.” I reach up and grip the back of my neck, feeling slightly anxious. “We could share a taxi?”
He looks at me for a long moment and I wish, not for the first time, that I could see inside his head. He’s so closed off sometimes, covering up his emotions with sarcasm and jokes, but I just want to know how he feels. Selfishly, I want to know if this is as hard for him as it is for me.
He smiles but his eyes give nothing away. “Yeah, alright. Sounds like a plan.”
Joe
The silence in this taxi is so fucking loud.
My hand is resting next to Kit’s on the seat between us and I’m itching to touch him; it feels like little bolts of electricity keep jumping off his skin and onto mine. God, this sounds bad but I’m almost glad we’re about to be apart for so long now. Being near him does things to me and it freaks me out. We only started fucking a week ago and I already don’t know how I’ll ever look at him platonically again.
I sneak a glance in his direction and my heart jumps when I realise he’s already looking at me. His head jerks and he glances away but it’s too late, I caught him red handed. My tummy clenches and flips. We are so fucked.
When we’re back in the hotel and in front of our doors we turn to each other with uncertainty, unsure what to do. Normally one of us would be pushing the other backwards, into their room, onto the bed, already starting to undress or bark orders. I suck my bottom lip into my mouth and try not to think about that. It’s not helpful. Instead I hold out my arms and he smiles, pulling me into a long hug. I stand on my tiptoes and melt into him, letting him support my weight slightly. He lifts me off my feet for a second and we both laugh into each other’s shoulders, breathless with relief.
I don’t know how long we stay like that but something shifts while we’re holding each other. Kit pulls back slowly, his breath hot against my cheek, and then suddenly our mouths are this close to each other and the electricity is humming in the air between us again. I feel my breathing hitch and my eyes flick to his lips, parted and trembling slightly. He’s got his eyes half closed and his chest is rising and falling like he’s struggling to control himself as well. I want more than anything to lean forward and run my tongue over his bottom lip, to hear my name leave his mouth in a desperate breathy moan one more time.
But I can’t, so I let my arms fall from his shoulders and step back, breaking the spell. He licks his lips and I wonder if he was imagining the same thing as me. He’s so fucking attractive it ruins me.
“Night,” I whisper, and then I go into my room before he can say or do anything else. I get changed and brush my teeth on autopilot and then collapse on my bed and cover my face with my hands.
Why him? Why did I have to go and develop feelings for Kit Connor like the fucking idiot that I am? Now I no longer get to enjoy any of the benefits I’ve been reaping all week and I feel miserable and sorry for myself. There’s an emptiness inside me that I have this insatiable need for him to fill. Nothing and no one else will satisfy me and it’s driving me crazy. Is this what it’s like to give up an addiction?
I glance over at the balcony door and have a fleeting hope that he might knock on it again. It’s pathetic but if he did it one last time I think I would let him in. I usually am a proud person but not where Kit is concerned, apparently. I wasn’t too proud to kiss him, to beg him to fuck me or to fall for him, and I’m not too proud to want him on our last night as neighbours either.
Minutes pass and he doesn’t knock. I think he’s asleep. I’m restless and fidgety, unable to stop my mind from reeling with thoughts of his hands and eyes and laugh. I don’t think I can sleep knowing he’s just there, on the other side of the wall. Not knowing if he’s thinking about me too, and all the things he wishes he could do to me.
Fuck this.
I get up and go over to my balcony door, unlocking and opening it. The air is cold and refreshing against my flushed skin as I step out and take a deep breath. I’m stupid. I’m pathetic. I’m making things worse.
I don’t care, I knock on his door anyway.
My heart is hammering in my ears because I know he knows it’s me. Just like that night when he knocked for me, there’s only one person it could be. If he doesn’t let me in I’ll understand; I know I’m being ridiculous but this feels like the last chance we’ll get in this shitty hotel with our shared balcony to just be together without any prying eyes. I don’t want to regret not trying to connect with him one last time even if it ultimately ends in rejection.
But the curtain pulls back and there he is, sleep rumpled and wide-eyed in his baggy t-shirt and joggers. I lean on the wall next to the door and give him a defeated half-smile. I’m baring my tired soul to him, telling him I need this one more time. He puts his hand on the handle and returns my smile as he slides it open.
For a moment I just hover there awkwardly and let him cast his gaze over me, his bottom lip between his teeth. I fidget, my fingers playing with the hem of my tee because I don’t think I’m prepared to hear what he has to say.
I needn’t have worried because he doesn’t speak, he just steps forward and snakes one of his arms around my waist, pulling me into his room and using his other hand to shut the door behind us. My arms slip around his neck and my fingers push into the hair on the back of his head as our noses brush. I can feel my heart sputter to a stop as the world goes still and we breathe each other in. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t start beating again until Kit closes the space between us and kisses me.
Kit
A million little sparks of electricity come to life in my chest as soon as I feel Joe’s trembling lips under mine. I grip him tightly around the waist with one arm and smooth the other flat against the length of his spine as we lose ourselves to each other again. He tastes like toothpaste and lemonade. I don’t know how I ever managed to convince myself I didn’t have romantic feelings for him.
I walk us over to my bed and lie down on it with Joe draped over me, barely breaking the kiss the whole time. If we’re doing this then I want to do it right; we won’t get another chance to be with each other in this way so I need to fill all my senses up with Joe while I still can.
He runs his fingers through my hair as our tongues meet and it’s pure bliss; I could die happy this way. We’re not rushing or doing our usual role play of dom and sub. This is just us, no masks or fantasies. I only want him, raw and real. When he pulls back and looks into my eyes I can see he feels the same way.
“For old times sake?” he asks quietly, a smile tugging at the corner of his pretty mouth. I nod without hesitation.
“Yeah.” My voice comes out croaky. I tuck my hand under my head and smile up at him, smoothing my thumb over the hair above his ear. “You know I can’t say no to you, Joe.”
He bites his lip and his pupils dilate. I slide my hand around to the back of his head and pull him down to meet my mouth, and that’s the moment when we both give in completely.
He tugs at my t-shirt until I pull it off, and then his lips are on my throat, trailing greedy, open mouthed kisses down and across my collarbone as I sigh and tilt my head back. Fuck, I will never get enough of him and that would probably worry me if I knew how to fill my head with rational thoughts instead of ones about the boy above me. I slip my hands under his tee and he helps me remove it, his eyes wild as they meet mine.
“Fuck me,” he says, a question disguised as an order, and my insides fizz like the rum and coke I was just drinking in the bar.
“Okay,” I breathe, my hands resting on his bare waist. We both know we don’t have condoms and this won’t be like the other times we’ve had sex. The thought terrifies and thrills me at the same time.
I get the lube he left in my shower yesterday while he strips down to his underwear and then he sits me on the end of my bed and pulls off my joggers, taking me into his mouth. I gasp and sink my fingers into his curls, trying to stay tethered to the moment so I can remember this on nights when I miss him so much it’s unbearable.
“Your mouth is so perfect,” I sigh as he takes his time, sucking me off achingly slow, pulling all the way off my cock and making eye contact with me as he laps at my head. I groan and he hums, my cock disappearing into the back of his throat again. He’s getting me there embarrassingly fast; I think it’s the emotion that’s palpable in the air. I tap his head three times and he stops.
“You okay?” he asks, his voice scratchy in a way that makes my heart stutter.
“Yeah, I - I want this to last and you’re too good,” I laugh, twisting one of his curls between my fingers. “Come here.”
He sheds his boxers and climbs into my lap as I uncap the lube and drizzle it onto my fingers. It’s not the easiest position to open him up in but we need this closeness; I need to see his face and hear his sounds as he gives himself over to me.
“F-fuck,” he shudders out as my finger breaches him, arching his back and letting his head fall against my shoulder. I can feel his damp breath against my neck as I work up to two fingers, kissing his cheek and nibbling on his ear. I’m so overwhelmed, fuck. I like him so much.
“You’re okay,” I soothe as I pump two fingers inside him and he keens and whines, his fingers digging into my skin. I run my free hand down the length of his back, feeling the way his muscles move as I scissor my fingers and open him up. I add a third finger and he soon relaxes around them. He’s almost ready.
“Can I go on top?” Joe asks softly, his change in demeanour so jarring that I just blink at him for a second. As if he even has to ask. I would give him anything.
“Yeah.”
I sit up against the headboard and he lowers himself onto my cock, his hands braced either side of my head. I can feel all of him around me without the condom and it’s dizzying; I’ve never barebacked with a man before and Jesus Christ, it’s sensory overload. I let Joe set the pace, only gripping his hips when he starts to move. This view of his body is fucking incredible, oh my God. I can’t believe this is the only time we’ll fuck like this.
“Kit,” Joe gasps as he throws his head back. “You feel so - fuck, this is so good. Is it good for you?”
I laugh at his ridiculous question but it turns into a moan when he grinds down into me. “It’s fucking amazing.”
I grip him harder and help him to move so I’m hitting the right spot every time and I can see he’s absolutely losing it, his eyes squeezed shut and his mouth open, spilling out the sweetest noises I’ve ever heard. He reaches for his cock but I don’t want him to come yet so I intercept his hand and push two of his fingers into my mouth without even thinking about it. Joe’s hips stutter to a stop as he lets out a surprised groan at the feeling of my tongue against his skin.
“Jesus, Kit,” he moans when I suck harder. He yanks them out of my mouth, way too soon, but before I have the chance to complain he’s replaced them with his tongue as he kisses me. I arch into him and moan into his mouth. I can feel him everywhere and I want to drown in him.
We kiss for a while and then Joe braces his hands on the headboard and uses it as leverage to bounce hungrily on my cock, his moans obscene. I sit back and watch him in awe as he takes what he wants from me, sweat beading on his body. It’s in moments like these that I think I might not ever get over him. I don’t think anyone else will ever look this perfect straddling my cock and chanting my name.
He looks like he’s getting closer to the edge so I grab him and flip us over in one swift movement, still buried inside him. His head hits the duvet and I immediately start to fuck him into the mattress, sinking my teeth into his throat. He writhes and gasps, begging for more, begging me to mark him. Fuck it, we’ve got 3 weeks until we film again. I suck hard on his neck and he cries out in pleasure.
“Kit! Fuck, oh my God…” his legs wrap around me as my thrusts turn slow and deep. “I - I need to come.” He sounds almost sad, like he knows it’ll be over soon. I get it. I don’t want this to end either.
“I’m close,” I bite out through gritted teeth, my elbow next to his head and my other hand in his hair as I chase my orgasm. “Fuck, Joe, you’re so fucking perfect.” I press a kiss to his sweaty lips, tasting the saltiness on them.
“Want you to fill me,” he sighs into my mouth as he reaches for his cock, and fucking hell I am right on the edge. “Fill me up with your come.”
My whole body is tingling. This is the most intense sex I’ve ever had and I can feel everything inside me start to coil tight. I can’t come until Joe does so I’m holding everything together, my eyes squeezed shut as I rest my forehead against his and listen to the way his moans turn desperate -
“Kit, fuck, I’m coming, fuck!”
I finally let go with a guttural sound, spilling inside Joe as he tightens around me and my body disintegrates. We’re both moaning and panting, hands gripping each other as I thrust into him until I’m empty and he’s twitching from overstimulation. His eyes are glazed over when I pull back to look at him, his skin flushed and marked. I… can’t believe we just did that.
I pull out and watch as some of my come leaks out of him. Yeah. I’ll definitely be tapping back into that image on those lonely nights without him too.
“Like what you see, Connor?” Joe says breathlessly, the mirth evident in his voice. Wow, I guess he’s recovered then. How is he still able to be a little shit when it feels like we both just shattered into a million pieces and then put ourselves back together again?
I don’t reply, just swipe a finger over the mess of come he’s left on my stomach and suck it into my mouth. His eyes go wide and a choked sound escapes his throat. Yeah, I thought so. I know you’re competitive but you didn’t win shit this time, Locke.
Joe
Holy fucking shit, I can’t believe how good that was. I don’t care that it was a bad decision on my part to knock on his door; the sex was one thousand percent worth it.
I watch Kit as he cleans me, his eyebrows pinched together in concentration. This might be the last chance I’ll get to see him like this, loose and flushed from his recent orgasm and wanting to care for me. I lift my hips so he can get underneath me and grimace when I feel the sticky wet patch. I think we made a mess for the poor cleaners but hey, at least Kit will get the blame.
Once we’re both clean and under the covers we just stare at each other. He reaches out and runs his fingers over my temple and down my cheek and I shiver under his touch, trying to put everything I’m feeling into a box in the back of my mind marked ‘Kit’ to seal up tomorrow. I run my thumb over his lips and he smiles sleepily at me.
“‘M glad you knocked,” he says in a rough voice. I melt a bit.
“Me too.” I shift forward until my head is buried in his chest and he wraps his arms around me instinctively. “Maybe I shouldn’t stay over.”
Kit kisses the top of my head. “I don’t think it makes much difference after what we just did.”
“True.” I yawn and run my fingers up his sides, feeling his muscles as they tense. “That really was the last time though.”
I feel his sigh more than hear it; his body deflates against mine as the air leaves his chest. “Yeah, I know.”
Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow feeling even worse, but right now I’m choosing to be happy. We had a good run and I think I know now how Kit feels about me. My feelings aren’t one-sided. There are just too many obstacles and we both know that. Maybe one day we’ll figure it out, work out how to do this without upsetting anyone or changing the way the public sees us. But that day isn’t today. Today we’ll just cuddle until we fall asleep and then I’ll leave in the morning before he wakes up so we don’t have to go through it all over again. I’ll go for a drink with Tobie and spill my heart to him, and then I’ll find someone new to fill the Kit-shaped hole in my heart.
It’ll be fine. I’ll get over it.
Kit
When I wake up my bed is cold and I know instantly that Joe is gone. He’ll have already checked out and left because I know him, and I know he won’t want to see me and ruin the last memory he has of us before this thing ended for good.
I roll onto my back and stare up at the ceiling, ignoring the pit in the bottom of my stomach. We’re okay. Everything’s gonna be fine. I have 3 weeks to get over him. 3 weeks is more than enough time, I tell myself as my heart starts to beat a bit faster. Perfectly feasible.
I force myself out of bed and into the shower, thoughts of last night filling my head as the water hits my back. I can still hear the way Joe cried out my name as I fucked him and filled him up. It feels like his moans are echoing in this room, bouncing off the tiles. Fuck, I’m even more of a goner than before. In the cold light of day I’m starting to realise Joe Locke has way more of a hold on me than I originally thought. I feel the tiniest hint of panic grip my chest.
Fuck, maybe 3 weeks isn’t that long after all.