Chapter Text
Kit
“Fuck, please… Joe, please let me come.”
Joe chuckles into my ear, the noise muffled by the sound of the shower water running. He twists the two fingers he’s got buried inside me and applies pressure where I’ve been begging for it for what feels like an eternity.
“Fuck!” I throw my head back against his shoulder, my fingers curling into the slippery tiles like they’re trying to find purchase there. My legs are shaking so much I’m afraid they might give out.
“I told you,” he says, his voice low and commanding as it bounces off the tiles, “you’ll come when I say so.”
He’s gonna kill me.
“P-please,” I groan, and then gasp when his soapy fingers slide up my chest and wrap around my throat.
“Do you want me to choke you?” he asks, the picture of calm. Unlike me. I’m jerking around and whimpering like a baby as he fingers me. Maybe I’d be a bit more self-conscious if this was the first time, but we’re well-versed in fucking now. He knows exactly how to get me in this state and absolutely thrives off reducing me to mush in his hands.
“Yes, choke me,” I manage to get out before he’s jabbing my prostate and tightening his fingers around my neck.
“Go on,” he whispers as he bites my ear. “You can touch yourself now, but don’t you dare come.”
I feel like my whole body has been electrocuted as I reach down and start to strip my cock. There are so many different sensations going on simultaneously that I don’t know what to do with myself. I can feel my body melting under the hot water as Joe works his bossy magic on me.
Joe releases my neck and I gasp, slowing my strokes. “So close,” I choke out. “Please -”
“Shh,” Joe soothes as he crooks his fingers again and I see stars. “There’s no rush.”
I make a needy noise and look at him for the first time since we started. His eyes are so dark, his lips bitten pink and looking way too inviting. We both glance at each other’s mouths and I think he’s as desperate as me to be kissed but I know we can’t. We haven’t kissed since… well, since last time. Whatever the fuck that was.
“I’m gonna choke you again now,” Joe says, his voice wobbling a bit for the first time, “you can come this time.”
I almost sob with relief. He’s been teasing me for so long I’m afraid the water is gonna go cold.
“Okay?”
“Yes,” I say, tearing my eyes away from those enticing lips. I tilt my head back, feeling the water wash over me, and when Joe squeezes my throat and pumps his fingers inside me again it only takes me four more strokes of my cock and I’m painting the tiles with my come, a long, drawn out, breathless moan escaping me as soon as he lets go of my neck.
“Jesus,” I gasp out, sliding down the tiles until I’m sitting on the floor of the shower. Joe joins me, wrapping me up in his arms as soon as we’re on the same level. I let him care for me, stroking my wet hair and pressing sloppy kisses to my cheek and neck.
“You okay? I didn’t fuck up? I did some research on choking and tried to do it properly, but still… I’m just checking that you’re okay?”
I lean into him, laughing. “You mean apart from the fact that my legs don’t work?”
I can’t see him but I know he’s rolling his eyes. “Humour me, please?”
“I’m fine.” I lift my head to take him in. He looks perfect like this, wet curls plastered over his forehead and droplets of water clinging to his eyelashes and sliding over his bare skin. “That was amazing.” I smile as I reach out and smooth some of his hair behind his ear. “You’re amazing.”
Wow, I think I jizzed out my filter. Where the fuck did that come from?
Joe rests his head against the tiles and gives me an uncertain smile. “Yeah, I know.” I think he means it to come out cocky, but the expression on his face doesn’t match the confidence in his voice.
We sit quietly for a bit, nothing but the hiss of the shower to accompany our thoughts.
“Hey, um,” Joe starts, a pretty flush spreading over his chest, “I know we’re being careful, but, like… I haven’t been with anyone since the last time I got tested, and…” he takes a deep breath. “Well… have you? Because if you haven’t, I don’t really think it’s that big of a deal that we’ve run out of condoms.”
It takes me a moment in my come-dumb haze to understand what he’s trying to say. “Joe Locke, are you asking me to raw dog you?”
Joe scrunches his face up. “I think there’s probably a nicer way to word it.”
“Barebacking?”
“I’m asking if you’re okay with us fucking without condoms,” Joe cuts in, rolling his eyes. “Are you?”
The thought has never occurred to me before, but now that he’s said it… I feel a little shiver of something go up my spine at the idea of Joe filling me up in more ways than one, telling me to take it all as he comes inside me. Fuck, I want that. We’re best friends, so I trust him with this.
I clear my throat. “Yeah, I’m cool with it. I’m clean and haven’t been with anyone recently.”
Joe tilts his head to the side and then smirks at me. “I knew it.”
I stare him out warily. “What?”
He shifts so he can put his mouth right up against my ear. “I knew you were a filthy little cumslut.”
Fuck me, okay then. I hate how much I like this.
“Only for you,” I pant as he presses a kiss to my earlobe and licks the water from it. He hums happily.
“I hope so.”
The water really is going cold now, so we get up and rinse ourselves and the tiles off and then get out, wrapping up in fluffy towels. It’s been another long day of filming, this time in the sea with Joe, and we were both so cold when we wrapped that showering together seemed like the only option to thaw the ice in our bones. It wasn’t even meant to be sexual until I pushed Joe up against the tiles and got on my knees, and the rest was history. Should’ve known really. Shit, maybe I am a filthy little cumslut.
We’re meant to be meeting up in Will’s room for pizza and we totally lost track of time in the shower, so now I’m frantically throwing Joe’s clothes at him while I brush the taste of his come from my mouth and he’s got his head upside down, scrunching his curls. Honestly. We’re not attending a Vogue event Joe. Just slap some hand cream on your face like me and let’s go.
Joe
Once I’m satisfied with my hair we head out to Will’s, making the short trip down the corridor to his door. He flings it open and the smell of pizza makes me weak at the knees. When was the last time we ate? I can’t even remember, but all the freezing cold filming and scorching hot fucking has given me a proper appetite.
I make a beeline for the food and leave Will and Kit to flirt with each other. They’re like big kids when they get together, all giggly and shit. I used to be a bit jealous of how close they were, but I was just inside Kit so I don’t think I can really get any closer to him now.
I hate that we didn’t kiss, but I get why. Something happened between us the other day and it changed things, for me at least. I’ve always found Kit attractive but now I want to be with him all the time, no matter how rough or shit he looks. I miss him when he’s not around. I want to do more than fuck him. I want to curl up and watch movies with him, feel him stroke my hair absently as he plays on his phone. I want to kiss him when I feel like it, not just as part of this deal we’ve got going on. I want to feel all of him inside me when we have sex, hear my name on his lips as he spills inside me and whispers all the sweet things I want to hear. I want to hold his hand in a different way to how we do it now.
Jesus Christ. I’m down so fucking bad.
I flush as he comes up behind me and reaches around me for a slice of pizza. I’m like a kid with a crush, unsure if they like me back. I don’t know if Kit does. He kissed me like he did, but then we went back to normal and he hasn’t mentioned it since. The only thing that’s changed for him is that he doesn’t kiss me now. I’m not exactly taking that as a sign he reciprocates my feelings.
“Have you guys seen this?” Rhea asks, stifling a laugh as she scrolls on her phone. “I don’t know why it just came up on my news feed, but…”
She turns her phone around and I almost choke on my mouthful of pizza. It’s a news article from The Sun, a photo of Kit and I on the balcony with a bold headline across the top that says:
Are they dating? Kit Connor and Joe Locke cozy up on a balcony in between takes as they film season 3 of ‘Heartstopper’
What the fuck?
Kit looks like all the colour has drained out of his face as he stares blankly at the screen, his pizza forgotten in his hand. I feel a combination of fear and rage overtake me instantly.
“The fucking Sun, again?!” I snap, outraged. I snatch the phone out of Rhea’s hand and squint at the photo. It’s of us together on the bench, my head on his shoulder. It must’ve been taken after everyone left the first night they arrived. Okay, well it’s not that bad. Thank God they weren’t around when we were up against the wall with our tongues in each other’s mouths.
Still. Someone needs to burn The Sun’s main office building to the ground. I think if they invade my privacy one more time I’ll do it myself.
I hand the phone back and run my fingers through my hair. I’m trying not to panic, I know it’s just a stupid clickbait article, but my stomach is still churning. I look at Kit and he meets my eyes, just as scared. This is why we made our rules, and this photo was taken before we even broke any of them. Our fun week of fucking around suddenly seems a lot less fun and a lot more idiotic.
“Don’t freak out,” Rhea says quietly as everyone stares at us, concerned. I can see Tobie chewing his lip, giving us a sympathetic look. “I didn’t want to freak you out, I just thought it was stupid. That’s why I showed you.”
“It’s just The Sun posting shit for clicks again,” Will chimes in as he rolls a cigarette. “Everyone knows you’re not actually together.”
That part is true, we’re not. We still don’t meet anyone’s eyes though.
I’m worried, but it’s nothing compared to how Kit looks. He’s pale and hasn’t said a word this whole time. I didn’t realise how much this would affect him until now, but as I take in his terrified expression I suddenly remember how much shit he got the last time his love life was aired for all to see. I’ve never been through what he has. I can only imagine what’s going through his head right now.
Kit
I feel sick. The logical part of my brain is telling me this is The Sun and everyone takes everything they say with a pinch of salt, but it’s not helping to stem the wave of panic that’s pulling me under. Everyone is looking at me and I don’t know how to tell them I’m fine. I don’t think I am. I can’t go through this shitstorm again.
My phone buzzes and I pull it out of my pocket with numb hands. When I see it’s from Bash I want the ground to swallow me up.
He’s sent me a link to the same article and just put:
sebastiancroft i always knew it! Lol
Fucking hell, is he joking? I think he is? My head is spinning. I need to get out of here.
“Kit,” Joe says, his voice soft beside me. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t feel well,” I reply, throwing my pizza down and clutching my head. “I need to go back to my room.”
For the first time this week, I really don’t want Joe to come with me. I say my goodbyes and head out but I’ve only made it halfway down the corridor before he’s caught up with me.
“Kit, it’s just a stupid article written by an idiot.”
I unlock my door and he follows me in. We have no concept of boundaries anymore and I’m suddenly irritated about that. I want to be on my own to process this. Can’t he see that?
“Kit, please talk to me.”
“And say what?” I snap, my voice breaking. “It’s done, it’s out there now. We’re fucked.”
Joe purses his lips. “We’re not fucked, no one is gonna believe it. The photo doesn’t even show anything!”
I shrug off my fleece and throw it over the chair. “It doesn’t matter, they believe what they want to believe!”
“And what’s new?” Joe snaps back, frustrated. “Nothing has changed. Everyone will have forgotten about it in a few days.”
“Your ex boyfriend won’t,” I say before I think. We both stop and stare at each other.
“What?” Joe looks confused and a little bit hurt. I feel a tug on my heartstrings.
“Bash just sent me the article,” I sigh, scrubbing a hand over my face. “Maybe he’s just joking, but… this is what I was worried about.”
Joe folds his arms and tilts his head back, exasperated. “For fuck’s sake, it’s over! It has been for ages, we’ve both moved on!”
“He’s still my friend and I care about him, Joe!”
“Well you still fucked me, so you clearly don’t care that much!”
There’s a shocked silence. Christ, that one hurt. Joe looks like he knows he just crossed a line, his eyes widening as he uncrosses his arms.
“Wow,” I say, and then it hits me. This is it, our first proper argument since we became friends. We’re finally breaking our last rule. Rule number one.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that,” Joe says, and then he takes three steps towards me and launches himself into my arms. “I didn’t mean that, you’re a loyal friend. I’m the prick.”
I wrap my arms around him and bury my head in his shoulder, trying not to cry. “I just want to do the right thing.”
“I know, I know.” Joe’s voice is muffled against my chest. “You’re much nicer than me.”
“You’re nice,” I reply, and he laughs. “You are. I’m being stupid.”
He pulls back to look at me. “Don’t say that. This is you, you care about other people. I… I don’t really get why this bothers you so much but it doesn’t mean it’s not valid. Maybe I’m an asshole for not caring, but that feels like so long ago now, it’s like a different phase of my life.” He touches my cheek and it feels like an electric shock. “Kit, I don’t care about anything except not ruining our friendship.”
I rest my forehead against his and cover the hand he’s placed on my cheek with mine. “Me neither.”
We just breathe shakily for a minute, and then I pull away and Joe’s hands drop to his sides. He looks visibly upset at the loss.
“I need to be on my own for a bit,” I sigh, my voice scratchy and tired. He looks like he might say something else but then he nods, his fingers fidgeting in front of him.
“Yeah, definitely. Me too.”
I can’t look at his face because it’ll break my resolve, so I turn away and sit on the bed, staring at a spot on the wall until he’s gone. I can’t tell what I’m more torn up about - the article or the fact that Joe just walked away and took a piece of me with him.
Joe
I will not cry. I haven’t cried outside of work since my last break up and I won’t start again now. There’s nothing to cry over. Kit and I are fine, we’ll always be friends. Even if that argument felt like it chipped away at everything we’ve built.
I lie down on top of my sheets and stare glumly at the wall, going over everything in my head. Everything that just happened has pretty much solidified the fact that Kit doesn’t feel the same way about me. He dismissed me so easily, too worried about Bash and the fucking general public to consider how I might be feeling about this. I’m scared too. I don’t want the whole world speculating about us, tearing us apart, nitpicking at all our insecurities. I don’t want my name to always come after Kit’s, to be known as ‘Kit Connor’s boyfriend Joe Locke’, or for someone to tweet about how he could do so much better.
But I do want to be with him. It sounds insane when I think it in my head, so I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say it out loud. Why bother anyway? He’s made his stance on the idea very clear. Being with me would mean news articles and gossip and probably more photos. Kit doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want me.
I bury my head in my pillow and let out a frustrated little scream. I hate myself for letting this happen. I should’ve known it would only end in tears.
Kit
I don’t usually smoke at this time of night but my stress levels require it right now. The lighter warms my face as I spark up my cigarette and it crackles and glows in the dark. I take a long drag and feel my muscles relax a bit.
I’m not sure how but I think I’ve fucked up. Joe hardly ever shows it when he’s sad about something and I could see it clearly before. It was like his mask slipped and he showed me everything underneath. Thinking about it is doing weird things to my insides, twisting them all up. I feel guilty but I don’t really understand why.
I think I probably could have handled that argument better. I was the first to snap and the first to ask him to leave. Come to think of it, I never actually asked him how he was doing either. I was too busy having my own panic attack to offer him any comfort or ask if he was handling everything okay. I know I’ve had some shit before but he has too and I need to remember that sometimes when I’m wallowing in my own misery.
I hear his door slide open and he sticks his head out cautiously. Probably checking to see if I actually want him here. I smile and pat the bench next to me because this is our shared space and he’s allowed to be here just as much as me. I feel like a twat for making him feel like he can’t talk to me.
We just sit in silence for a bit while I finish my cigarette, and for once Joe doesn’t call me out for smoking or tell me my lungs must be swimming in tar. He just fiddles with the hem of his shorts and looks straight ahead.
“I’m sorry,” I say once I’ve stubbed my cig out. “I didn’t mean to snap at you before. I know you’re just as worried as me and you were only trying to calm me down.”
Joe shrugs, leaning back in his seat. “I said something horrible, so I wasn’t doing a very good job.”
“We’re both stressed,” I sigh. “We don’t want this getting out.”
“I haven’t been in the industry as long as you,” he says softly, swinging his bare feet underneath him. “I don’t want my career to be over as soon as it’s started. So I understand how you feel.”
I finally look at him. That didn't occur to me and now I feel like an idiot.
“Are you holding up okay?”
He smiles at the ground. “Yeah. I really do think everyone will have forgotten about it by tomorrow, if they’ve even seen it in the first place. That picture is bullshit, we’re just sitting together. Anyone with a brain is gonna look and roll their eyes.”
I nod even though I’m not convinced. People can definitely make something out of nothing.
“Yeah.”
He lifts his head and looks at me then, his gaze piercing even in the dark. I think he knows we’ve reached a fork in the road and we need to make a decision, especially since our week in this hotel is nearly up. Tomorrow’s our last day and then we’ve got a 3 week break until we meet up again at the next location. We never discussed what would happen after and I have no idea how Joe feels. After today I don’t know how I feel. All I know is that this thing we have going on isn’t gonna be sustainable when we’re not in adjoining rooms with a shared balcony for sneaking around. This whole thing was a fantasy from the start.
Joe
I’m swallowing down the lump in my throat because I don’t know how I ever let myself get into this situation in the first place. Now I have a ridiculous, one-sided crush on my best friend and co-star and all he ever wanted was to get off. It’s my own fault. I thought I’d be fine as Kit’s fuck buddy but the truth is I already liked him before we even kissed. I started to see him in a different light months ago and I should’ve protected myself from the beginning.
I jump when I feel the warmth of Kit’s skin on my bare thigh and look down to see his hand resting there, palm up. I stare at it for a couple of seconds before I have the nerve to meet his eyes, pulling my mask back on so he won’t see that my heart is being squeezed by an invisible fist.
My fingers slide into the spaces between his and hold on tight, because I’ll never not take his hand. Ever. We sit in silence for a moment, just looking out at nothing. I’m waiting for him to say what I know is coming.
“I don’t think we should do this anymore, Joe.”
I don’t expect the words to hurt as much as they do.
“I know.”
Kit strokes his thumb over my skin. “We made rules and we broke all of them. You’re my friend first and I never want that to change.”
He’s right, but it’s still hard to hear. I take a deep breath. “We said if it fucked with our friendship we’d stop, and it did.” I bite my lip so he doesn’t see that it’s shaking. “So we need to stop. It’s the right thing to do.”
Kit brings our joined hands up to his mouth and I stop breathing when he presses a kiss to the back of my hand. God, my heart. It’s beating so loud it’s choking me.
“I don’t regret any of it,” he whispers against my skin. When he talks to me like that it’s hard to believe he doesn’t have feelings for me too, but I guess it doesn’t really matter either way. We’ve decided to prioritise what’s important and this falls to the bottom of the pile. He quickly lowers our hands again and it makes me wonder if he’s thinking about hidden paparazzi again. I wish we could just be with each other without always having to worry about that.
“I had a good time,” I say quietly, smiling at him. I did, and I’m not afraid to say so. I hope his memories are as good as mine.
“Me too.” He pulls me into a hug and I clutch at his shoulders like I’ll float away if I let go. His arms wrap around me like a blanket and it reminds me that this is a good thing. Friends first. This is the only way I’ll never lose him.
We get up and go back to our doors, arms stretched out between us until eventually we have to let go and our fingers slip away from each other. Kit leans on his door and gives me my favourite lopsided smile.
“Lock your door and don’t let me in this time,” he jokes, his eyes sparkling. I can’t help but laugh. Fucking idiot.
“Just speak French to me and you’ll get rid of my boner real fast,” I shoot back, smirking. He rolls his eyes at me.
“Night Joe.”
“Night Kit.”
My bed feels cold when I climb into it. It’s only when I’m finally dozing off that I suddenly remember Kit’s words. We made rules and we broke all of them.
It’s the worst feeling ever to know that we’re over even though we both broke rule number two.