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You’re so sweet, babe.
I couldn’t imagine life without you, without us like this.
You’re an amazing father and I love watching you be a father.
I’m glad we have a family together.
I’m so happy with you.
I love you.
AJ has a ritual, a routine. He showers and brushes his teeth, getting ready for bed. He puts on his sleep shorts and grabs his earphones before curling up in bed. He queues up his playlist on his phone and settles down with it. It’s all perfect.
He lays in bed and closes his eyes, the music playing softly in his ears, blocking the world out. He pictures JD’s smiling face in his mind and hears his voice as if he’s right there with him. He says all the things AJ’s longed to hear ever since the divorce. He doesn’t get those things now.
They used to be so happy and AJ doesn’t know where he went wrong and how he lost JD. He would give anything to fix it and have his family back, but he’s been trying to let that dream go. He sees how happy JD is with Kenny and the rest of The Elite. He just wishes he could have been that happy with him.
Guiltily, he allows himself to imagine that JD is curled in bed with him, holding him close and petting his hair, smelling like vanilla lotion and body spray like he always does.
It hurts because they had been happy, AJ knows. He knows JD had been happy. It just hadn’t been enough. He hadn’t been enough. JD slipped and fell through his fingers and he couldn’t even blame Matt for scooping him up because he would have done the same.
He tries his best to move on, to get over it, like he’s been told so many times. JD’s moved on, so why can’t he? Why does he hold so tightly to what will never be again? JD is the measuring stick that everyone else is measured against and he finds them all lacking in some way, but he tries. He really does.
He wants to be happy again. He wants to love and be loved again. He longs for it and he tries, but it’s not enough. They’re never enough because they’re not JD. It’s not fair to him or to them, but he can’t help it. JD has ruined him for anyone else and he doesn’t know how to repair the damage done.
Then the tears come. They’re silent at first, just running down his cheeks and soaking his pillow case. They seep out from under his lashes and he doesn’t make a move to wipe them away. Why bother when more will just replace them anyway? Then the sobs come, building in his chest and throat until he’s bursting with them and has no choice but to let them out. He presses his face into the wet pillow and cries. It feels good to get it all out. It’ll build right back up again, but for now, the pressure is released and his breathing comes a little easier.
Slowly, he calms again. He sits up and turns the pillow over to the dry said. He turns off the playlist and takes his earphones out. He grabs some tissues and wipes his face and lays back down, hoping JD won’t haunt his dreams tonight, but knowing it’ll be more of the same, JD smiling and telling him how happy they are together, only to wake in the morning and it be all gone.
It never stays long enough.
JD didn’t stay long enough.