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Sifting Through My Ashes

Summary:

Zuko looked tiny without his armor.

He can hardly believe the brat let him come in here, as well as that Zuko believes him the better of two evils.

He doesn't know why he expected Zuko to sleep though.

Notes:

again: older fic, maybe a couple months tho

hope you enjoy

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

"Lieutenant!" Jee wanted to roll his eyes and ignore the call from Prince Zuko. They've been en voyage for 28 months now and they still couldn't catch a break from the brat. It was rare he sought any of the crew out at all but not exactly unforeseen. 

 

"Sir." Jee addresses Zuko with a salute, resignation masking his features.

 

"I would like to speak to you in private, Lieutenant." Aw, shit. What could his majesty possibly want? Why would he even ask in private actually? 

 

Despite unwillingly, Jee's curiosity was officially peaked. Zuko always seemed to want to do things on his own and do them over the top. He never asked for anything unless it had to do with sailing. And it was more like demanding on that front.

 

"Of course, sir." Jee bows his head, gesturing a hand to the bridge. "Your cabin or mine?"

 

If Zuko really wanted this meeting private, it'd have to be in their quarters. Mostly because, with a ship this small and a crew this lackadaisical, they ran a high risk of being interrupted anywhere else on the boat.

 

"Yours." Zuko spoke hesitantly, as if he weren't sure Jee would deny him.

 

Jee blinked in surprise. That's giving Jee the power in this conversation, which is not something Jee would have expected from someone who seemed on edge all the time. 

 

That set his radar up a notch. Zuko was going to tell him something and Jee wasn't going to like it.

 

Jee eyes Zuko for a moment, really thinking about whether he'd want to hear this or not. The longer Jee took in thought, the more desperate Zuko seemed to get, glancing side to side and around, as if any of the crew really cared that he was on deck. As if he was being watched.

 

The idea makes Jee stiffen. Is something going on on his ship he doesn't know about? Had the prince found something inciting a coup?

 

"Lead the way, Prince Zuko." Jee steps behind the boy, glancing around as he does. Ozola is watching them curiously from where he scrubs the deck, and Lao was frowning at them, looking mildly frustrated. Normal looks for the prince. What could be making Zuko so antsy?

 

Jee shuts the door to his cabin behind them. Zuko looks much smaller in here, shoulders having curled inwards seemingly without his permission, and his hands were twitching at his sides as if he wanted to bite his nails. It's a little startling but Jee feels nothing but confused at the moment. From jumpy and attentive to meek and afraid was nothing like Prince Zuko. And, regardless of Jee's less than pleasant feelings towards the prince, concern was starting to worm its way through him.

 

"Sir?"

 

"If- I- this will be kept between us, yes?" So unsure and resigned, like he knew it wouldn't but he needed to ask anyway. 

 

"Yes, Prince Zuko..." Jee can't stop watching Zuko as he paces the small room, fists clenching and unclenching. It's just so unlike him.

 

Zuko gives him a quick, perfunctory look that spoke volumes of disbelief to his word. Not that Jee can really take offense, it's not like they're on great terms. 

 

"Sit down, please." Zuko practically whispers the words, and it's only then Jee realizes how close they are and how he's practically looming above Zuko.

 

Jee immediately steps away and sits carefully on his cot. Not bothering to respond, he waits patiently. 

 

Zuko's movements are even more jerky, walking like his limbs are made of stone and not sinew. Eventually, he seems to collapse in on himself, plopping stiffly in the chair at Jee's desk where it's turned outwards to the room. His fingers latch onto his knees and white knuckle the cloth there.

 

He's shaking. Zuko is shaking and tense and can't even look at Jee anymore. He seems as if he wants to, head lifting and eyes shifting in his direction but never landing on his face.

 

The small amount of concern turns into a swell of alarm. 

 

"I-I was walking the ship last night..." Zuko has to evidently work up what he says, pausing between words like he can't help himself. He's still afraid to tell Jee, that much is obvious, and Jee doesn't know what to do to make it easier for him.

 

"I overheard... I heard-" Zuko stops again. His skin pallor and looking sunken. Jee relates the look to seasickness but he knows it's nothing similar. Bells were ringing in his head. What on this ship could possibly make the prince look like that? "I- spirits, I can't- I-"

 

Zuko suddenly looks like a kid. Fifteen years old and captaining a ship of men and women that are, at the very least, twelve years his senior. He suddenly looks vulnerable and unsteady and terrified. Even at thirteen, Prince Zuko had not looked like this. Unprepared, yes, afraid, absolutely not.

 

"Prince Zuko, I cannot offer my help if I do not know what for." Jee tries to gentle himself but knows he does not succeed. Zuko looks anything but placated, though he steels himself under Jee's eyes while refusing to make eye contact.

 

"There were. There were four men, in the hold. They were splitting a bottle of sake and-and they were-" Zuko eyes rapidly split towards the door and his breathing is coming quicker. If it gets any worse, something in the room is going to be set alight, and Jee refuses to have his things damaged because the prince can't mind his breathing.

 

"The door is locked, sir."

 

It doesn't seem to make Zuko feel better but he clenches his hands in his pants material again, finding some sort of reassurance from the repetitive action.

 

"They were talking about-about t-touching me. In-in, you know, an unsavory f-fashion." Zuko is squeezing his eyes closed, no doubt remembering the exact words the men must have used to cause such a green feeling.

 

Jee too was feeling green, and the prince's description was obviously lacking the sailor mouth all the crew had. White noise was loud at the moment. Jee can't comprehend sneaking upon a group of men much larger than himself, hearing them talk about raping him. Because that's what Zuko was saying. 

 

"They-they all wanted to." Zuko's chest caves and his words are muddled in thickness. "They wanted to drug me and have their way with me and tie me up naked to a board like a human buoy and toss me overboard."

 

Zuko had folded in, arms hugging around his middle and keeling over his thighs, staring at nothing as he recounted what he heard. Jee could only listen in stunned silence. 

 

"They sounded so serious, too," Zuko whispered.

 

"Why... why have you decided to tell me this, sir? Wouldn't your esteemed uncle be better equipped—"

 

"No!" Zuko burst out, sparks flitting from his lips and eyes blown wide. "Uncle cannot know! He- I- Father would-"

 

Zuko struggles with articulation and Jee has never seen the kid like this. Never thought the kid could feel something like this. He looked fucking haunted, scared of every little creak on the ship.

 

"If Uncle told Father, I'd- I'd have to..."

 

"What, sir? What would you have to do?" Jee speaks quietly, trying to put any amount of comforting inflection he can. He knows it's sort of hopeless, since he knows Zuko doesn't trust anyone besides the General. And even then, Zuko doesn't seem to trust the man with this, which is something Jee knew how to handle professionally but not when it came to a fucking Fire Prince.

 

"Father would make me- I'd have to take it. As punishment." Zuko confesses near-silently. Jee feels sick again. The breakfast in his stomach roils and Jee really doesn't know anything about royal protocols or punishments, but he's sure even that is a little out of left field. But Zuko would know better, Jee can't deny that.

 

"Okay." Jee takes the time to breathe for a moment, settling the turmoil and anger best he can. Because he is angry, what kind of sick bastard wants to rape a child? Mutiny, Jee had expected at some point, but this? And all under his nose, too. Jee allowed the rage to take over only so he didn't have to think about how Zuko only trusted him with this because he had no one else.

 

"Do you remember who these men were?" Jee had to run this like it was any other ship. Like this was any other threat. He wasn't quite sure how he'd deal with these men, but he would.

 

"Pikeman Lao, Seamen Third Class Shen and Lin Wei, and Assistant Engineer Third Class Xue." Zuko listed like he'd been thinking of it all night. 

 

Jee's hands clench into fists. "Did they actually set anything up for action or was it talk?"

 

It'd still be dealt with either way but it mattered to know if he had a time limit.

 

Zuko brought his legs up onto the chair, hiding behind his knees. Agni, he was just a kid and he had just witnessed a discussion of his own demise. Even if this kid was a pain in his ass, he did not deserve this. 

 

Jee kind of wanted to reach out, hug the prince, but Jee knew he'd only make the anxiety and shame Zuko was probably feeling ten times worse. 

 

"Tonight. Oh-one hundred." Jee swore under his breath, scrubbing a hand down his face. How had he not known anything about this? What would Jee have done if he heard this from his crew rather than the prince?

 

"Prince Zuko, may I request to sleep in your cabin tonight?" Jee only registers what that might sound like to the prince when Zuko's eyes widen and he tightens his hold on his legs, eyeing Jee like he's a saber-tooth moose lion.

 

Jee's own eyes widen and he grimaces, throwing his hands up in a surrender gesture. "I do not mean like that, sir, I swear. I mean to watch. Er- no, I mean, I- It's possible that the men will lose their nerve but since we're of Agni, we are very proud and they might not. I want to be there to stop them, Prince Zuko."

 

Jee wants to slap himself at his lack of tact. Zuko relaxes minutely but now he's got an eye pinned to Jee.

 

"You'll- you'll stop them? Really?" The crack in his composure is so yawning that Jee can see everything. Jee's concern is swamping dangerously into protective territory. He doesn't want anything like that threat supposes happening to Zuko.

 

"Prince Zuko." Jee waits until their eyes meet and looks at him imploringly, sincerity and determination forcing its way frontward. "I promise upon Agni himself I will not let them get to you."

 

"Why are you doing this for me? I'm a horrible captain." Zuko's shoulders are scrunched to his ears and his Phoenix plume is in disarray, making him look more frazzled than he already is.

 

"Sir, you're young. Too young to have learned how to captain a Navy vessel. I am not saying that excuses your behavior but it does make me much more understanding to your situation." Jee explains carefully.

 

"You don't even know why I'm stuck on here." Zuko whispers back accusingly.

 

Jee concedes with a nod, "Maybe not. But I never had to command a group of men when I was thirteen."

 

Zuko looks up at him in blatant wonder and confusion and maybe it breaks Jee's heart a little. Because, next thing he knows, he's leaning forward to make his point that much more as he speaks.

 

"All I ask, Prince Zuko, is that you allow me to protect you tonight. I will stand guard and I will not allow the men near you." 

 

"What if you can't fight them off? I can't- I don't want you to get hurt on my behalf." Jee can't believe the kid is actually concerned about his wellbeing when he's literally talking about a mutiny against himself. 

 

"Sir, I am the only rank on this ship that was formally taught at the Naval Academy. I may not look it, but I can fight with the best of them."

 

"You'd really do this for me?" Zuko asks again. Jee suddenly needs the kid to understand that Jee isn't cold-hearted, and that he'd never have allowed Zuko to hear a peep about this type of plan if Jee had caught onto it beforehand like he should have. Those men would have been overboard in an instant.

 

Jee takes a breath, conviction in every word. "I would never, never, allow harm to come to you, Prince Zuko. It is my duty as your second to keep the crew in line and I have evidently done a very poor job of doing so. With all due respect, you are still very young and it is completely unacceptable what these mutineers have decided."

 

"Okay." Zuko stares at Jee with something akin to admiration. "Okay. Thank you. Thank you, Lieutenant."

 

Zuko stands then and Jee understands what he's about to do before he even starts. Jee's not allowing that. Zuko shouldn't even feel obligated to thank him for this.

 

"Please, sir, don't bow." Jee stands too, holding his hands out to stop the prince as he begins to move into the very formal and very steep bow. It's fit for a favor done from a high nobleman in return for nothing than it is for a lieutenant doing the job he's supposed to. "I deserve no such thanks."

 

Zuko doesn't pause, if anything Jee's words make his moves more reverent as he performs the bow. Jee can't really stop him unless he puts his hands on the prince, and Jee's not sure what that would be met with and he's definitely not ready to find out.

 

When Zuko stands back up, Jee performs the same routine. He is not letting the prince think of this as a favor.

 

"Lieutenant, my bow was for a reason!" Zuko sounds adamant and serious. Jee finishes the bow and there's only one thing he can think to say.

 

"Thank you, your highness, for trusting me with this information and trusting me to be there." 

 

Zuko doesn't know what to do with that, it's obvious in the way he crosses his arms and turns away from Jee slightly. Jee feels like he's relearned everything he thought he knew about Prince Zuko in these last ten minutes alone. His heart feels heavy with the weight of newfound knowledge and his mind abuzz with how to best take action.

 

"We still have awhile till sundown. I expect you in my cabin at twenty-two hundred." 

 

"Of course, Prince Zuko." Jee bows at the dismissal and Zuko exits quickly. 

 

Jee plops back down on his cot and sits there for a couple minutes. Spirits, he's let a handle of his ship go if this is what's greeting him in the morning. Jee knew four men would be difficult to deal with on his own but not impossible. However, he had a better idea. 

 

...

 

You'd think the conversation this morning was nothing but a dream with how "at ease" Zuko is. He doesn't seem like anything's changed from last night to now, and Jee silently praises his acting skills whenever they cross paths, which wasn't too often that day.

 

When Jee had told Jura and Akera of what Zuko told him, the disgust on their faces were all the confirmation he needed that they'd help him.

 

"Look, I need you to dispatch who you can of the four. If one of them sneaks by, that's fine. I'll be there, but I'd prefer if we'd have them all tied up before the General hears anything. Prince Zuko was adamant that he not know of this transgression." 

 

"Lieutenant, if I may ask, who exactly are we up against?" Jee scowled at the reminder, glancing off the bridge to Pikeman Lao conversing with Pikeman Ozola.

 

"Lao, Shen, Xue, and Lin Wei." 

 

Akera gives a curt nod, "We'll be there."

 

"I will sharpen my blade," Jura confirms. Jee gives them a wan half-smile.

 

...

 

Jee knocks quietly on Zuko's cabin door. The General would turn in later after his last game of Pai Sho, so Jee wasn't too worried about him hearing or seeing Jee enter.

 

"Prince Zuko?"

 

"You can enter, Lieutenant."

 

Zuko is sat seiza on a floor mat, a small table in front of him with two candles as well as what Jee recognizes as a captain's log.

 

"Sir? My apologies for interrupting."

 

"It's alright. I thought I'd be done by now." Zuko mutters under his breath, looking at the log almost despondently, displeasure lining his tense form.

 

Jee raises an eyebrow and carefully chooses to sit across from Zuko, copying his sit with his hands on his thighs. He eyed the log, struggling to read the near-illegible writing upside down.

 

All it really said was that everyone had done their jobs, nothing of import had occurred. It did not mention anything about what Zuko had told Jee.

 

"What else are you writing, sir?" 

 

Zuko glances up at him but Jee keeps his features blank, allowing only his curiosity.

 

"The- you know." It was a childish way of phrasing. But, yes, Jee did know. He's not quite sure why he asked.

 

"Well. It's the captain's log, sir. You don't have to put anything you don't wish to."

 

Jee's met with an unamused stare for his efforts. Right. Zuko was blatantly meticulous.

 

"I have to." Zuko writes in few words about the occurrence he believes will take place, really only mentioning Jee's name as well as the mutineers. He does it too quickly, which is why it's fucking chicken scratch, but Jee doesn't interrupt his thought process.

 

When he finishes, he immediately puts the ink well and brush away, along with the captain's log after the ink dried. 

 

Zuko moves to sit on his cot instead of across from Jee. It makes sense because Jee's feet are already starting to lose feeling and he can't imagine what Zuko's must feel like.

 

Now that it's silent, Jee actually looks at Zuko. Zuko had been in his night clothes when Jee arrived, his Phoenix plume was taken out of its careful wrapping too. 

 

Zuko looked tiny without his armor. Also unsure, wary about a grown man bunking with him after what he had heard the night before. He can hardly believe the brat let him come in here, as well as that Zuko believes him the better of two evils.

 

Zuko had nothing to worry about. Jee would stay close to the cot but he would also stay awake. There was no chance he'd fall asleep knowing what he knows is going down tonight.

 

He doesn't know why he expected Zuko to sleep though.

 

An hour into the silence. Zuko had moved to lay on his cot with his arms splayed wildly. Jee had moved to sit criss-cross against the wall, a couple feet from Zuko.

 

"Lieutenant?" Zuko whispers when he seems tired of it.

 

"Yes, sir?" Jee's just as quiet, it feels weird breaking the silence now. He looks to the superior but Zuko is staring at the ceiling.

 

"Why do they want to kill me?" Ah, fuck. This kid. 

 

"Did they say why?" Jee doesn't really want to say anything of substance. Not unless Zuko really wants to know.

 

"They called me-" Zuko sucks in a sharp breath. His voice is nothing more than a hush. "Bratty. Pompous. They said I was so pampered I didn't know commoners need rest. They said since I'd probably been hand-fed I wouldn't even- I wouldn't use my teeth. They said I didn't understand honor and needed a good- a good..."

 

Jee cringes, hair standing on end with how highly unfortunate these series of events are. 

 

Zuko doesn't finish the sentence. "I- I know I grew up in the palace, and I was gifted everything I wanted, but I know people need rest. I may not have any honor but I do have respect, I swear. I just... none of my teachers taught me... I didn't get anything for succeeding. Why do... why do they?"

 

Jee runs a hand over his face. The Phoenix plume is a well-known symbol in the Fire Nation for dishonor. Jee remembers the prince arriving with his head swatched in bandages, the only hair left the diamond-shaped cut. How did Zuko lose his honor?

 

What was Caldera like? Zuko sounded like he never got out much. Did the royal family not dole out praise when high marks were made? Jee had no fucking clue.

 

"What about when you failed? Were you punished?" Maybe Jee can tell Zuko the men are wrong but also urge the prince to dial back the obsessive behavior? 

 

"Of course! Fire whips were the most chosen, but Sifu Rohn wasn't a fire bender so he used a wooden paddle. If you fail any of the twenty-plus sets of katas, Father would tell the cooks not to give me anything for the next day."

 

Maybe fucking not. Oh my Agni. Fire whips?! On a child less than thirteen?! What did they teach at the palace!? Jee mastered the twentieth set at twenty-one! 

 

"Sir..." Jee starts slowly, pushing away the casual mention of abuse aside. Far, far aside where he'll deal with it alone (never). "These men... they obviously don't know any kids. If they did, they'd understand your behavior is not a punishment and not something you mean to do all the time."

 

"But I do mean to do it all the time! How else would any of you listen to me!? Like you said, Lieutenant, I was thirteen when I was banished." 

 

Jee's fucking this all up. He doesn't have any children personally, but he knows none of this is what he should be saying. This kid knew more than he let on, that much was obvious. Maybe he should just spit it out.

 

"You're right. We haven't made any of this easy for you. But you haven't for us either, sir." Jee looks between his knees to the floor, leaning his head on his knuckles and letting out a sigh filled with smoke. "But we're all older. We know better than to antagonize you but we've all been doing it. These men... mutiny was only a matter of time. I thought I'd be prepared when the time came but I didn't even know they were planning something."

 

Jee lets out a weak chuckle, pushing at his temples to relieve the small ache beginning there. "I would've stopped it before it even got started, I told myself. I said that even if I hated your attitude and hated how you treated the men working for you, I wouldn't let you get hurt because the General would kill me. But... I don't know who ever got the idea in their sick head that they should rape you. That's- that's- despicable, sir. It's disgusting. An adult is horrible but a child? If I had known we had rapists aboard I would've thrown them off ages ago. But none of their files contain any mention of the sort."

 

"If it was... if they were only going to kill me... would you have stopped them?"

 

Jee whips his head to the prince, who has turned his own to look at him sometime during his speech. Jee sighs again, pushing his head against his knee but keeping eye contact. He suddenly feels world weary, greying and upset.

 

"Of course, Prince Zuko. We have made each other's lives difficult but I wouldn't leave you to die." 

 

Zuko turns back to the ceiling, "Lieutenant?"

 

"Yes, sir?"

 

"Tomorrow... will you tell me what I shouldn't be doing?" A stone had made a home in Jee's stomach, his lungs were being squeezed and he can't understand why he feels for the bratty prince now.

 

"Of course, sir." Jee waits a moment, watching as Zuko clenched his eyes closed. "Prince Zuko?"

 

"Yes, Lieutenant?"

 

"Tomorrow, would you like to read my captain's log?" There were a couple tidbits about Zuko in there, as well as the multiple questions Jee has had pile up in his head about the General and the Prince and what this journey was really for and so much more. Before Jee tells Zuko what he shouldn't be doing, maybe Jee should give Zuko a leverage over him.

 

Zuko turns on his side to face him, "You'd let me?"

 

"I think it'd benefit you," Jee responds gently. "Possibly give you an outside perspective of this journey."

 

"Thank you, Lieutenant," Zuko gives sincerely.

 

Jee feels something in his chest that he will not put a name on. Jee promises to himself to write this night into his log, so he never forgets what he's learned. 

 

"No problem, kid," Jee smiles but he's sure it looks more like a grimace. Zuko was anger-inducing on a good day and depressing on a bad. Today is a pretty bad day for the young prince.

 

Zuko's eyes have closed from his Jee-facing position. He's relaxing slowly into his cot now, seemingly feeling safe enough to do so. That gives Jee an emotion he will also not name.

 

Jee turns toward the door, he still had at least another hour until the mutineers would take action.

 

...

 

Jee had taken to analyzing everything in the room to keep himself occupied. There wasn't a ton of decoration but it still had a lived-in feel. To his surprise, there also wasn't a ton of nationalism displayed. Sure, a flag here and there but nothing major.

 

It's well into his sixth time looking at how sharp the dual dao blades are when he finally hears the sounds of a scuffle. It's muffled through the door but clear enough that it has Jee wincing, hoping to Agni the General won't wake up and investigate.

 

It's also clear enough to have Zuko jerking to sitting from his light sleep, most likely on edge from what he's dealing with currently. 

 

Zuko's head turns to Jee and his wide, fearful eyes push Jee into reassurance, forcing him into standing just in case.

 

"It's alright, Prince Zuko. They probably won't even make it in here," Jee gives a wry smirk. "Akera and Jura are out there."

 

If anything, Zuko tenses more, "But what if-"

 

"Sir, I'm sorry to say, but it would have taken a lot of effort to subdue three fire benders and one non-bender by myself. I took the liberty to ask for assistance but I chose the two guards that typically accompany you at ports." Jee explains, the sounds outside getting louder and the screeching of metal across metal making both him and Zuko flinch. "If any of them get past, sir, I will stop them."

 

Zuko stands shakily. Jee wants to make him sit back down but he thinks he's broken enough protocol rules today. The prince probably needs some space, too.

 

Abruptly, the noise outside halts. Footsteps creep closer to the cabin entrance and Jee tenses. In seconds, he's in front of Zuko taking up a low bending stance as the door creaks open in a supposedly quiet sense.

 

Fortunately, instead of throwing the door open or just entering, Akera sticks her head in. Sweat glinted on her brow and she wore a disapproving scowl.

 

"Captain, Lieutenant, we have the men secure." 

 

Jee relaxes, glancing behind him to see Zuko staring dumbfounded between Akera and Jee.

 

"How do you want to dispatch the mutineers, sir?" Jee takes precedence, walking over to the cabin threshold, forcing Akera to move back to make room, and glaring at the tied up men on the floor with Jura standing over them, sword sheathed.

 

"I don't care." Zuko sounds breathless. When Jee looks back, his arms have wrapped around his torso and he's clenching at his sides. "Get them off my ship."

 

"Of course, sir." Jee nods to Akera, "You stay here and guard Prince Zuko's door. Jura, help me with the trash."

 

Akera and Jura salute while Jee looks inside the cabin one more time.

 

"I will be back, Prince Zuko." Jee makes sure to shut the door behind him, not waiting for an answer.

 

The men had been tied like hogs, complete with a band of rope stuffed in their mouths. Jee grabs the coupled wrists of Lao and Lin Wei, dragging the men over thresholds and up the stairs to the deck. Jee grins down at the men in a feral manner when he's got them at the railing.

 

"Jura, grab some weights and chains."

 

He'll let them all sink to the bottom of the ocean, never to see Agni again.

Notes:

I didn’t know how to wrap this up so take it as you will!