Chapter Text
She could not ask for a better man.
The most steadfast of friends.
A better man.
Dorset was the better man. Anthony’s heart kept sinking further and further. It was now somewhere near the worms wriggling their way through the earth far below their feet. Which is about where he belonged, funnily enough.
“Bon?”
Of course, she would meet someone. The most beautiful and accomplished woman he had ever met. The men must have been falling over themselves for her hand. Anthony realised with dismay how naive he had been to imagine that Kate might possibly consider allowing him into her life here. Or that she would even be in a position to contemplate such a thought. If she had a prior engagement or attachment, she would honour it.
“I am afraid the Viscount and I have yet to be blessed with children.”
He saw the confusion in Kate’s eyes as she looked between them both. “Oh. I thought…” Even in this he has managed to let her down. He promised to take care of her sister. At the very least that meant fulfilling her dream of motherhood. Anthony would have started to spiral at another way he had disappointed her if he had not looked to his wife then.
The Viscountess was usually practiced at giving a benign response whenever someone outside the family queried their childless state, but even Anthony could not fail to notice his wife’s usual defences were non-existent in front of her sister. He quickly moved to guide her to sit down. Truthfully, he needed to sit himself as he came face-to-face with the failures he had somehow buried for the last six months. But there was no hiding them under hope now. “Come, my Lady. Why don’t we all take a seat, and I will call for a fresh pot of tea.” The Viscountess slightly adjusted in his grip as she registered his unexpected gesture of comfort, but thankfully she did not make to move away from him. Instead, they all, finally sat down after their awkward reintroduction. Even Dorset, he spit out in his mind. Anthony could not fathom why the man was here. Why he was here with Kate. Why he was still here, with linked arms, regardless of their attachment. Kate was here to see her sister. She did not need a chaperone.
He took a deep breath. Dorset was not to blame for Anthony’s failures.
“Bon, is all well?”
“Yes, yes, Didi. Perhaps… perhaps we can discuss such matters later?”
“Oh, yes, of course.”
An uncomfortable silence descended over the room again, before Benedict thankfully saved them with some small talk. As Anthony listened to them all exchange stories over their respective journeys these past three and a half years, he remained silent. He knew his silence was noticeable, but there was no conversation in the world that could tempt him to remove his close attention to every gesture Kate made to Dorset. Every look, every touch, every laugh. The shared stories of their time spent close together since England. Edwina and Benedict gave their own accounts of the family back home, Lady Danbury and London society generally. But Anthony had no interest in that. He knew it all. He was more interested in how comfortable the coup… how comfortable Kate and Dorset were, sat as they were, extremely close together. How perfectly synchronised they were as Kate poured him some tea. Anthony’s final thread snapped as he watched Dorset select some biscuits for her, and handed them over with a glass of water. Dorset may not be to blame for Anthony’s failures, but that did not give him leave to act with such familiarity and lack of manners with Kate.
“You take tea for yourself, Dorset, and then offer the lady only water?(!)” Anthony called over to the footman in the corner. “You, there. Sorry, I do not yet know all your names yet. Please pour the lady some tea.”
His initial smirk as he saw the anger flash in her eyes, soon disappeared as she spoke only to the footman. “That is quite, alright. Mr Dorset is well aware I do not like English tea. And given where we are, I have no need to suffer it anymore. I am sure there will be a lovely cup of chai waiting for me when we get home.”
Anthony’s head shot up. “We?! You live together?”
He heard his wife take a deep sigh beside him. “Mr Shah, please would you and the footmen give us some privacy? We have some family matters to discuss. We will sit for dinner in an hour.”
“Very well, my Lady.” The men all bowed and quietly closed the door behind them as the room descended into silence, but this time it was pregnant with anticipation as the shackles of propriety could be loosened without the close attention of the staff upon them.
A they listened to the footsteps make their way away from the door, his wife turned to face him head on. “My Lord, I think it is clear to all of us present your feelings on the matter, but my sister has been here not even half an hour. I beg you, please restrain yourself from attacking every small comment made. She would have told you immediately if they were indeed married or engaged.” She held her finger up to stop Kate's obviously forthcoming interruption. “Do not try to deny it, Kate. I know you well enough to know you would not have given up that opportunity to vex the Viscount(!)” Anthony moved to open his mouth, but she was quicker. “And before you say it, my sister is the most respectable Lady one could ever hope to meet. Even across the world, even as angry as she might rightly be with us, she would never risk our reputations or that of your family with any improper arrangements.” Anthony might have claimed his jaw dropped open at his wife’s confident rebuke of him, but Anthony was pretty certain that his jaw was nowhere near the diameter of Kate’s eyes at this moment, as her sister turned back to her. “Kate, I know you do not owe us the details of your life, but it is important you know, I came here to start anew with you. There are many things we all must discuss, but the only real thing that matters to me is that you and I can go back to how we used to be. I want us to be the sisters we were, Kate. I have missed you so much! But we can only do that if we are open and honest with one another.”
Kate’s expression became forlorn as she responded to her sister. “I have missed you too, Bon. But I would not want to go back to how things were.” Anthony saw Edwina’s shoulders visibly sag beside him, before Kate quickly continued. “It is not that I do not want us to be close. But I do not want to go back to the lies and secrets. As much as I only ever meant to protect you, I know now that, eventually, they only amplify any hurt I was trying to prevent.”
There was no noise as a solitary tear slipped from his wife’s eye, streaking a glistening path down her cheek before it dropped into the palm of her hand, resting on her lap. “On my honeymoon, I reread mama’s departing letter over-and-over again. She did not say anything explicitly, but the mere fact she had chosen to accompany you…” She shook her head sadly as the memories were clearly washing over her. “At first I was so angry. Was still angry over everything. I blamed it all on you. But I could not stop rereading mama’s letter. There was something there, needling away at me. She did not defend you directly. Instead, she simply spoke of how hurt you were, and how much you needed her more than I did. She repeatedly stressed that we were both her daughters. I could not stop asking myself, ‘why?’ “
The flash of hurt across Kate’s features was clear. “You did not think me her daughter too?”
The Viscountess was alarmed at Kate’s interpretation of her words. “What?! No, Kate! I could not understand her need to stress that fact to me! Of course, we are both her daughters. It was never a question in my mind that you also needed mama with you. Was I hurt that she left? Of course. But I could not understand her need to justify it so strongly to me. Her logic was sound. I was married and so had a family of my own now. You needed her more. But why did she think me so unreasonable that she felt the need for so strong a defence? I must confess, it prompted some self-reflection I was not ready for. But the more that time passed, and the more I had to grudgingly accept the Viscount and I were not, in fact, well suited, the more I realised, I had given both she and you cause to think I might react in such a way.”
“You were not to blame, Bon.”
“No, Kate. Do not try to absolve me of this. I made many mistakes. Before even my worst one when I insisted the wedding proceed.”
He listened as the Viscountess recounted to Kate everything they had discussed about her failures. How she had come to realise the burdens she and Mary had placed on Kate. How neither of them had taken the time to truly understand Kate, and her own true desires. How they had taken the easy path to take Kate at her word that she was not looking for love. How they had not thought to understand their financial position and how they might share the burden with Kate, rather than assume she would handle it all. And, worst of all, that she had not heeded Kate’s warnings about Anthony’s unsuitability for her. How she blamed Kate for Anthony’s feelings.
Kate listened intently to it all. Anthony watched as she processed everything her sister told her. He could see how she wanted to believe it all. Wanted to believe they were genuinely here to rebuild bridges. Anthony shifted awkwardly, adjusting his cravat as he started to plan the conversation he would need to have with Kate, when her next question brought him back to the present.
“Why now?”
“Pardon, Didi?”
“If I believe what you are telling me, that you forgave me three years ago, what prompted you to make such a journey now?”
The Viscountess looked around the room nervously. Anthony’s brain was still scrambling to catch up with the conversation, never suspecting that she might try to blurt out the truth with Dorset sat right there.
“Well, erm, you see, Didi. As I explained, we have yet to be blessed with a child… and, well, all the surgeons had said the same thing over the years…”
What. What was that about a surgeon? She could not be planning to…
“Until the last one, six months ago. He suggested that perhaps…”
Anthony’s eyes widened in panic as he realised what Edwina was about to say. He shot up out of his chair, almost knocking Edwina back in his panic. “Lady Bridgerton. I do not think that this is an appropriate topic of discussion in front of non-family members,” he said as he tried to subtly nod in Dorset’s direction. Apparently, his wife thought his efforts decidedly unsubtle as she rolled her eyes at him.
“Didi, would it be possible to speak to you in private, please?” Oh God, that was not what he meant.
“I already explained, Edwina. Mr Dorset knows of everything that happened in London. Whatever you have to say, you can say in front of him.”
“This is not that, Miss Sharma. How much do you trust him with your sister’s reputation?”
Kate looked him square in the eyes as she delivered the worst blow Anthony had ever suffered in his life. “I trust him with my life. For three and a half years he has protected me. Guided me. And cared for me unconditionally, never asking for anything in return. As I explained, he has been my companion throughout.” She returned her piercing stare back to Anthony. “He never made me feel inadequate because of my lowly birth.” She practically spat the last two words at him, as she turned away from him to face Dorset.
Anthony flung himself to kneel by Kate’s feet. “No, Kate! Never, not once did I believe that!”
“I heard you, Anthony. On the terrace that evening. You desired a wife of ‘good stock’. Well, you have your prize. Why do you continue to torment me so?”
“That was not…” Anthony looked around at their audience in frustration. But he had to disabuse her of her misconceptions. “No, Kate. I cannot allow you to continue one further moment with the mistaken belief that, from the moment I laid eyes on you, I was not completely, and irrevocably, in love with you, and you alone. I mean no disrespect to Edwina, but there was no one better suited to the role of Viscountess than you.”
“I… I don’t…” She shook her head at him, before turning to look to Dorset again, this time with a desperate plea in her eyes that Anthony immediately recognised. He quickly reached for her hands to draw her attention back to him before she escaped him again. “It frightened me, Kate. I saw the damage wrought by love when my father left us all. The love my mother had for my father… it almost broke her, Kate. Almost destroyed us all. The moment I laid eyes on you, I knew. You had the potential to inspire a love such as theirs, if not even more potent than that.
“Yes, I pursued Edwina simply because she was the diamond. But, subconsciously, I think I knew that pursuing her meant I could stay close to you. It also meant I could protect my heart from you.”
Kate snatched her hands away from him as she stepped back, shaking her head, as though she could keep his words from settling in her mind. “Why? Why are you telling me this now? In front of your wife and your brother, no less?(!) Even if I did believe you, what could you possibly hope to achieve by dredging this all up now? You made your bed. And Edwina, why would you ever agree to make such a perilous journey? You could have written to me to mend any bridges. Why would you all travel here? Not only could Edwina fall pregnant at any time, but it is most unwise for the Viscount and his current heir to make such a journey on the same vessel. It is all highly irresponsible without a good reason.”
“I knew, Kate. The day I married the Viscount, I knew. I knew how much he loved you. But, it did not matter that I came to realise the fault for my situation was all mine. As you say, we had made our bed, and now we had to literally lie in it.”
“Bon… I do not need…”
“No, I need you to know. I had failed at everything, but we were where we were. So, we tried to do our duty. And only that, Kate. I swear to you. There has never been any true feeling between us. But Anthony and I lied before God on our wedding day, and my empty womb bore witness to our punishment.”
If Anthony had not been watching her carefully, he might have missed the flash of anger that she shot his way. Apparently, Edwina had also noticed it, as Anthony reluctantly sat back in his seat, studiously training his eyes on his feet. “No, Kate. You cannot blame him. No matter where the fault lies, if indeed it lies with either of us.”
“What can you mean?”
“The reason for our visit now, Kate. Despite it all, we continued to hope. We saw multiple surgeons who all encouraged us to keep trying. That sometimes it could take a while. But six months ago, we saw a new surgeon. And he…” Edwina looked about nervously, suddenly aware of their audience. If she wanted Anthony’s permission, he could not give it. But the defeat was clear in his shoulders, as he would not stop her from revealing his shame either. “He suggested that it may not necessarily be anything wrong with either of us. Of course, there could be something wrong with one of us, but we might never know… unless…”
“Unless…?”
Benedict cleared his throat, uncomfortably, knowing what Edwina was about to reveal. Anthony could not lift his gaze, but still, he could feel Kate’s eyes trained on him.
“Unless we were to try with other partners. That was when Anthony came up with his plan. A plan to increase our chances but to ensure any child would still be borne of Bridgerton and Sharma blood.”
Anthony winced at Kate’s audible gasp, and he could no longer avoid her as she exclaimed out loud, jumping out of her seat. “NO! My God! I beg of you… do not tell me that is why you have travelled all this way!”
“No, Kate! I… it was an excuse, that was all. But truly, I do not care for that!”
Oh, but that was the worst thing he could have said. “An excuse?(!) You come here with grand proclamations of love, in front of your wife and brother, no less, but you needed to find an excuse to force yourself to do it?! Oh, yes. I truly feel loved(!) If you love anything, clearly it is only my womb that entices you, my Lord(!)”
“No, no. I did not mean it like that. I, just… I never stopped thinking of you, Kate. But I made you a promise to take care of your sister. To be a good husband. I never forgot, and I could never break my word to you. At least, not whilst there was still a chance. You are right, I was waiting for the right excuse. But not the excuse to come and find you – I never needed that. It was the excuse I needed to break my promise to you. To break my vows.”
A silence fell over their group as Kate’s eyes scoured the room. She explored each of their faces for some sign, starting with Benedict. As she moved to Anthony, he prepared himself for her onslaught, but it never came. Instead, after a few moments, she moved her laser focus to her sister, as the silence became stiflingly uncomfortable. Eventually, the Viscountess could take it no more.
“Didi?”
“Do not… do not call me that.”
“Please, didi.”
“No, Edwina. I expect this entitlement from him. To use and discard women as he pleases.”
“Kate…” She held her hand up to stop him defending himself any further, not even deigning to look his way as she continued her heartbroken words to her sister.
“But, you. You say you forgave me, yet did not write. You say you love me, but only sought me out when I served a purpose for you. You have not changed since we saw each other last. Three and a half years ago, I probably would have done as you ask. I would have sacrificed anything for you.” She laughed mirthlessly as she looked to Anthony then. “In fact, I did sacrifice, at least what I thought was, everything for you.” Tears began to fall as she looked back to Edwina. “But I have built a life for myself here with people who love me for me, never asking anything in return. You say you want a new relationship of equals, but I am only worth your attention when I serve you a purpose. I do not think I can hope to rekindle a relationship on these terms. I think perhaps we should take our leave.”
“Didi, please… let me explain. It is not what you thi…”
“No, Edwina. I think you have explained enough. Thomas, please can we depart?”
His wife looked at him in distress, begging him with her eyes to stop Kate’s departure. But Kate had broken him with her words. For six months he had been overjoyed at finding a solution to the mistake they made all those years ago, believing he had found a chance to start anew with Kate. But he was finally seeing events through new eyes. Through Kate’s eyes. Not once had he chosen her with no other strings attached.
His words on the terrace had painted a picture of him as the very worst of the ton. His duplicity at the races, then barging into Lady Danbury’s soiree with plagiarised words to seduce her sister. Even when he knew Kate objected to their match and she told him Edwina desired a love match, the very thing he was striving against, still Anthony did not halt his pursuit. And then, when he could finally admit his feelings for Kate to himself, when his heart worked against his head, he did not declare his affections for her openly. Instead, he pushed and pulled at her, feeding her words of only lust whilst begging her to reveal herself first, never risking the security of his courtship to Edwina. He never revealed his heart to her. Was never vulnerable before her, though he suspected she saw right through to core of him.
Anthony sagged in his seat as he heard Kate and Mr. Dorset depart, all the while Edwina imploring her sister that it was not what she thought. Eventually, her desperation caused her to call to him from the front door to the house, where she had clearly followed Kate and Mr. Dorset, loud enough for the house to hear, begging him to stop Kate from leaving. But Anthony could no longer lie to Kate. And so he let her leave.
Edwina came running back into the room, tears streaming down her eyes, followed closely by Benedict, who had at least had had the good sense to follow the party to the vestibule as their guests departed, both to apologise profusely for events and to try and calm the Viscountess down. But he was helpless as Edwina launched herself at the Viscount, still sitting where he had been as his world had finally crumbled into ash.
“How could you?! How could you just let them leave without so much as a word?! Why could you not explain the truth? We do not need anything from her!” She continued to hit him but, still, Anthony remained unmoved. What more was there to say?
She continued to berate him and beat at his back, arms and chest, slowly devolving into a heaped mess of tears as she eventually ran out of energy. Benedict had been watching quietly throughout, standing guard at the now closed door. When it became clear that Edwina was all fought out, he gently lifted her and held her up with his arms around her shoulders, leading her to her room to take her rest.
He heard Benedict return a few moments later. “She is right, Anthony. Why did you not try to stop Miss Sharma from leaving?”
“Because she was right, Ben. If I truly loved her, why did I wait? Why did I marry her sister? Why did I not pursue her from the start?”
“You know why.”
“But if I truly loved her as I thought I did, true love would overcome all fears, would it not? It should not have mattered if I would have one minute with her or a hundred years. Real, true love would have been worth every sacrifice.”
Benedict sighed as he rubbed at his face. He saw the vulnerability in his brother’s eyes, but this was no time to varnish the truth. “I will not lie to you that you made mistakes, Anthony. But, whilst you were forced to grow up following father’s death, when it comes to matters of the heart, I suspect you are still very much an adolescent.”
Anthony looked at him, affronted. “I am hardly inexperienced in matters of the heart, Benedict.”
“No, brother. You are inexperienced in matters of lust. In matters of the heart, you have kept yourself closed off from ever forming any attachment outside of our family.”
Anthony shook his head at him. “That is not true. I… you know I formed a particular attachment with Siena.”
“You imagined it to be an attachment, but you were never truly committed to her. You never really let her in. If you had, you would have never let her get away.”
“But I let Kate get away.”
“No, you did not. You stayed attached to her the only way you knew how, by joining yourself with the most precious thing in the world to her.”
Anthony laughed at him in disbelief. “You are too generous with my motives brother.”
“If Miss Sharma had not begged you to marry her sister, would you have entertained the thought with anyone else? After you and mama learned of the conditions that were attached to her dowry. If it had been anyone else, would you have gone through with the marriage? Knowing the potential scandal it would have represented to our family?”
Anthony looked down as he contemplated his brother’s words. He had known for three and a half years there was only one reason he went through with his vows. Because she had asked him. As he looked back to Benedict, he saw the sad victory in his brother’s eyes.
“And then you admitted it yourself, you have been waiting for a reason, any reason, to follow her here to the far side of the world. We did not spend half the year on the most horrendous journey just to allow her to leave after not even an hour, with a complete misunderstanding of what we are doing here. I think we both know you are not going to give up so easily.”
“Am I not?” Anthony looked defeated, but there was something flickering in the back of his eyes. Even as Kate had beaten a hasty retreat, and as the Viscountess had punched and pushed at him, Benedict had seen it. Anthony had not given up hope. He had not given up the fight for her heart. He cocked his head at his brother, arching his eyebrow knowingly. Anthony grudgingly let out a loud exhale. “I am determined to fight for her. To be someone who might be worthy of even a second glance from a woman such as her. But I worry I can never live up to such expectations. You heard her extolling of Dorset’s character. And her utter demolition of my own.”
“She was hurting, Anthony. And clearly there is a deep connection between them, but I did not detect any feelings of romance between them.” Anthony scoffed at his brother’s assessment. They had clearly been looking at two different couples. Benedict chuckled at his oblivious brother. “Of course not, brother! Did you not listen to her? She spoke of him as her companion. Her protector. Her friend. There was a kind of grateful love in her eyes when she looked to him, but I saw no fire. And never did she allude to anything more between them. As your wife so helpfully pointed out, Miss Sharma would certainly have taken the opportunity to torture you with further details of any affection between them if she could. And the way she looked at you… well.”
“Well?”
“Brother, she was angry to be sure. But, as they say, it is a thin line between love and hate, and I saw an inferno in Miss Sharma’s eyes when she looked to you. Only someone in love could feel so hurt and betrayed as she clearly does.” Benedict worried as Anthony looked off to the distance, watching as the flicker of hope in his eyes seemed to grow. A flicker was good, but Anthony’s heart was too fragile, and Miss Sharma’s feelings too uncertain, to risk it growing any further. At least for now. “But she is as stubborn as you, Anthony. It will not be easy to win her over. She now suspects your motives. If your task was difficult before, it may be nigh on impossible now.”
“You think it may be impossible?”
“Would that matter to you? Are you willing to walk away if the challenge of winning her heart may be insurmountable? If so, then, yes, we should leave now. But then that will be it. If we go back to England, then you truly would have given her up.”
Benedict expected Anthony to take his time to consider his options, so was surprised at the speed of his immediate response. “No, it does not matter. I have to fight for her. I love her, Benedict. But… are you prepared for what may result? If, by some grace of God, she will have me, it is more likely it would mean the third of the potential outcomes we planned for.”
Benedict did take his time before responding to his brother. After the last surgeon’s visit, Anthony had informed him that the Viscountcy would surely be passing to him. Lord and Lady Bridgerton had decided not to continue their efforts. The whole family knew there was no love in their marriage. They would live separate lives, and give up the ghost of having a family. Which meant Anthony would need to immediately start preparing Benedict to inherit. Except…
Except, except, except… there was one option that might save Benedict. The Viscount and his wife might not be able to conceive together, but they might conceive separately. But Anthony would not countenance passing the Bridgerton title to someone who did not have Bridgerton blood. Benedict had been confused and slightly horrified. Surely he was not suggesting the Viscount would impregnate some unknown woman like some kind of brood-mare? And, in fact, he was not suggesting such a thing, and Benedict’s slight horror grew a hundred-fold. The heir did not necessarily need Anthony’s blood. Any Bridgerton heritage would do.
Benedict had been astonished at the suggestion. But Anthony had carefully explained, if things continued as they were, Benedict would inherit regardless. There was no guarantee, but if Benedict and the Viscountess could conceive, then Anthony could love the child and raise it as his own. It had taken several days of discussion between the brothers, but eventually Benedict had come to see Anthony’s logic. And, for everything his brother had sacrificed for his family, surely Benedict could do this one thing for him?
Only, things are never simple when it comes to Anthony Bridgerton. Once his brother was on-side, the Viscount then dropped the bombshell that the whole thing would only work if they also journeyed to India first. Benedict could not initially understand the logic, but his brother and sister-in-law had discussed their options at length. Their farce of a ‘marriage’ was over in any case, and he needed to try to make things right with Miss Sharma. He was ready to journey to India alone, after he could be sure that the future of the Viscountcy was assured. The family could claim Anthony had succumbed to an illness, and if Benedict and Edwina could conceive first, Edwina could raise the future Viscount. Benedict would have to look after the estate as Guardian, but eventually it would pass to his ‘nephew’. The problem with that plan was, Anthony did not love the idea of the next Viscount inheriting at the same age he himself had had to take on the mantle. The Viscountess was also keen to mend her relationship with her sister and, whilst she supported Anthony’s endeavours to go to Kate, she could not allow him to go alone. She was prepared to live her life out alone if necessary, but, perhaps there was a chance they might all get what they desired.
If Anthony had but told Benedict of his true intention, it would not have taken so long for him to agree to the plan. Whilst he was not keen to inherit, he would have accepted his lot, just as his brother had had to do. He did not need to pass the title to a child to avoid his fate. But to help his brother find love? Benedict immediately jumped at the plan.
By travelling to India together, Edwina and Benedict might try to conceive, whilst Anthony could try to reconcile with Kate. In India they might have options. Noone knew them, and with Benedict as witness, they could invent any story they wished, depending on how events unfolded. They had discussed several potential outcomes. The third such outcome to which Anthony was now referring, was that Anthony would stay with Kate in India. If Edwina could not conceive, then Benedict would immediately inherit, returning with Edwina as widow. They had agreed that the family would privately be told the truth, but they would never see Anthony again.
But Anthony continued to fail to understand his brother’s motives.
“I am prepared for anything, brother. As long as you win your true love to you. Nothing else matters.”