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Kara fidgeted with the other children as the priest droned on. She didn’t want to be too obvious about it. The glowing featureless mask that marked the priests of Rao along with the flowing dark robes marked by the sigil of the Firebird made them imposing on a normal day. But this was a priest who knew her Odhoz Jor-El, so her Jeju had reminded her to behave. He finally intoned the last blessing and ended with the traditional words “byth jevia” to wish them all a joyful celebration of the 10th anniversary of their name day. Kara nearly bolted from the cushion she had been meditating on until she remembered that she had to move at a more sedate pace. She knew she wouldn’t get any interesting gifts – the tradition was to provide her with some land on which she would someday build a home with her spouse. But Kara had been dreaming of the pastries that her Aiahv Lara had baked.
She found her family standing in the plaza and Kara was dismayed that they were arguing again. They always seemed to be fighting. Odhoz Non was never the cheeriest of men, and he always seemed to get a rise out of her Jeju but now he and Odhoz Jor-El were constantly butting heads. Only her mild-mannered Ukr stayed silent in the arguments between the adults, but that seemed worse because his silence was stony and brittle.
Kara waved to get their attention and caught the last part of her mother’s sentence.
“…that the council is considering both options quite seriously.”
Odhoz Non looked like he was about to say something very rude, but Aiahv Astra put a hand on his arm before reaching for Kara. Sometimes Kara wished she wasn’t so old that Astra couldn’t swing her around anymore in greeting.
“Byth jevia, little one.” Astra said.
“It does not seem like 10 cycles since your threvzeht.” Jor-El added. “You are growing into a young lady before my eyes.”
Kara’s stomach growled loudly before she could reply, and she flushed as the adults burst out laughing.
“Some things have not changed.” Alura smiled. “Shall we end the formalities so that we can all have some of Lara and Zor-El’s cooking?”
Jor-El nodded as Kara’s parents moved to stand on either side of her and placed their hands on her shoulder. “For generations the House of El have believed in and built a better tomorrow, may you live according to the name you bear and raise your children to do the same. We bestow upon you this gift, symbolic of the plot of land where you will build your home.”
Her Aiahv Lara presented her with a small inlaid container. Kara knew better than to open it. It was just a beautiful box filled with dirt. She wondered why it wasn’t a holo of an apartment like her other friends were going to receive, it wasn’t like the House of El to be so archaic and traditional.
The oldest member of her Jeju’s house by only a few minutes, Astra spoke next. “For generations the House of Ze has stood for sacrifice and defiance in the face of oppression, may you live according to this legacy and raise your children to do the same. We bestow upon you this gift, the knowledge of our people.”
Her voice broke towards the end as Odhoz Non handed her a terraforming cube.
“Don’t trigger it or we’ll be crushed by a landslide of knowledge crystals.” He whispered with his typical dry sense of humor.
“I accept these gifts with gratitude and joy.” Kara replied proudly. “So too do I accept the duty and responsibility to live an honorable life, in keeping with the Girod and my heritage.”
Each of the adults touched their foreheads to hers and the formalities were completed. It was many years later that Kara understood why the adults continued to argue as they walked back to her home for lunch. Even more years would pass until Kara realized the true value of her portable gifts as she clung to the little box of dirt and looked up at an unknown sky. But more than anything she would remember the tears in her Ukr’s eyes as he swept her up onto his shoulders for the last time in her life.
It was only when she heard their heartbeats slow and their breaths even out, only when Jeremiah started snoring from their bedroom and Alex had cocooned herself into a burrito, that Kara felt safe enough to creep out the window and sit on the roof. She had spent many nights under this unknown sky, soul sick and whispering the Prayer to Rao. Kara worried that it was so easy to forget. The syntax and grammar of this new language was illogical, but she had been able to imitate the diction carefully. The vocabulary of her native tongue was fading away, and she couldn’t remember the smell of her father’s lab or the feel of her mother's hand on her face. Kal… Clark… had taken the terraforming cube and added the crystals to the Fortress in the arctic circle, he said he would take her there whenever she wanted. He had said a lot of things, but his visits were few and far between since he had helped her master the control needed to live as a Kryptonian under the light of Sol.
Kara sometimes felt that she had no one to help her navigate this new world. Alex was standoffish at best and actively ignored her when they were both at Midvale Junior High. Eliza and Jeremiah were kind and patient, but they were either working or preparing food for her ravenous appetite.
All Kara could hold onto was her mother’s necklace and the little box of dirt – symbols of her birthright that she would someday pass on. She wondered if there was any chance of that. Clark was courting a woman, but he wasn’t sure they could have children. Kara had asked about it once – about why he limited himself only to women and then why he wanted to have his offspring the way he was conceived and not via a matrix. His face had turned the color of Rao’s brightest light and he had stammered out strange and illogical answers.
Kara at least understood that she had to fit in. It was drummed into her every day by the Danvers. She had to hide. And Kara tried hard not to stand out in any way, but her oddness made her the butt of jokes and left her relatively friendless. If these odd mating rituals were to be obeyed, she would have to flirt with a man, entice him as she ascertained his fitness, and only after a long period of time open up about her heritage.
She just wanted to share all of herself with someone, to be able to come home from this tedious farce and not have to hide her nature or her background… to be able to speak her own language and talk about her own people.
Kara took a centering breath. She was of the House of Ze, she would not give up. She bore the name of the House of El, so she would hope and she would build.
The very next day, Kara asked for one of Eliza’s old pickle jars and took it upstairs. She counted out her allowance and put half of the strange paper that passed for credits on this planet and stuffed it in the jar.
= = = = = = = = = =
“Sweetie, I’m just worried that you won’t have enough for food.” Eliza placated. “You’ll give to every charitable cause there is and run out of money.”
Kara looked down at the dinner table, feeling guilty for her impatience. Her foster mother had co-signed her student loan for NCU because she hadn’t wanted to risk any extra attention if Kara went in for a scholarship like Alex had done. Eliza had been worried since Jeremiah had died – almost to the point of paranoia. It hadn’t helped that Kara and Alex had been involved in the arrest of the sheriff for the murder of Kenny Li. Covering that up was a huge headache and involved so many lies it had made Kara’s head spin. Eliza’s worries had only increased after Alex had gone off to college.
And so here they were, seated at the dinner table for a lesson in budgeting, because Kara had the average good grades and the average extracurriculars to get into a good program in a good (but not prestigious) university.
“I’m just saying that you have to keep in mind that it’s tight.” Eliza continued. “Let others help now, you will help people later when you get more established in your own career.”
“Not that I know what that will be.” Kara replied glumly as she took her eyes back to the laptop screen. The numbers on the spreadsheet seemed to mock her with their meager amounts.
“Kara, college is a time to find out who you are and what you want to contribute to the world. You don’t have to have it all figured out now.”
“Alex has.”
“You shouldn’t compare yourself to her.” Eliza replied. “Just be glad that she’ll be close enough to run to in an emergency but far away enough that you two won’t annoy each other.”
Kara sighed. “She’ll be in med school, and I have to find some sort of job – nothing that will stand out, don’t worry.”
Eliza kissed her on the forehead as she stood to start dinner, leaving Kara to stare at her personal budget. She checked to see that Eliza wasn’t hovering and then added a row for her “jar fund”. She had marched up to the bank the day after she turned 18 and put it all into a savings account. Then Kara tweaked the spreadsheet to put 20% of any income towards the “jar”. She could survive on pizza and pot stickers anyway.
= = = = = = = = = =
When Alex arrived early for game night, she found her sister sitting on a stool and banging her head against the tile of her kitchen island.
“Hey! Don’t break it with that thick skull of yours.” Alex groused as she put a comforting hand on Kara’s shoulder.
Kara groaned. “You’re right. I would have even less money to my name if I did.”
“Is that why you’re staring at the Danvers Horror?” Alex asked.
She opened a bag of Cheetos and offered one to her sister. Kara grabbed the bag instead and shoveled a handful in her mouth.
“Gross!”
“I’m stress-eating, ok?” Kara said as she chewed. “I’m so poor that someone could come to burglarize this place and I’d help him look for money.”
Alex patted her on the back and took a look at the file on the laptop. “Wow. I understand the food expenses but why is your clothes budget that insane?”
“Because I’m Cat Grant’s assistant and I have to have better clothes.” Kara replied glumly. “And I keep tearing through some of them when I have to go out as Supergirl.”
“Look, Kara, we’ve talked about this. There’s no way you can survive like this even with your hefty paycheck from putting up with Cat. I know you said you don’t want to be working for the US government but at least I can talk to J’onn about a consulting fee. It would-“
Kara shook her head adamantly. “Kal and I can never be beholden to any government in any way.”
“Kara, this isn’t sustainable. They’re gentrifying this neighborhood – thanks to a certain efficient superhero who’s kept crime down in this part of the city - so rent-control might be gone in a few years. You still have your student loan payments, and you inhale food at all hours of the day.”
“I know, I know.”
Alex pointed to a row on the spreadsheet. “You should dip into some of this. I didn’t know you tucked away so much.”
“I’m not touching that account.” Kara said firmly. “That’s all from babysitting, interning at Midvale news, and three years’ worth of tips from waitressing at Noonan’s.”
“We’re not talking about a trip to Europe, Kara. Times like this are what your savings are for. You can build that back up again.”
“I’m not touching it!”
“Jeez, ok ok.”
“Sorry… I…” Kara sighed. “Look it’s… it’s an old Kryptonian tradition ok? You don’t marry someone until you build a home for them. We didn’t celebrate birthdays on Krypton, just important anniversaries of our name day. And that was the last time my family was complete so I… it’s important to me. I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone like that but I… I want to, ok?”
Alex took her hand. “Is that why you kept that stupid smelly jar in our room all those years? Have you been saving for this?”
Kara nodded.
“I get it.” Alex said gently. “I get it and I support you. Mom will too. I just wish you’d told-“
The sound of the doorbell interrupted Alex’s sentence and Kara shut down her laptop to let their friends in. There was a flurry of greetings that was only broken by the sound of Alex emptying a large mason jar into a plastic container. She set it down near the door with a plonk and emptied her spare change into it. Alex paused, fished out a $10 bill and added that too.
“What’s that for?” Winn asked.
“Venue fee for game night.” Alex replied.
“Hahaha. She’s joking.” Kara forced out. “That’s totally not necessary. I love having you guys here. Alex just… she just hates carrying coins. That’s all.”
J’onn gave her a small smile and fished out the coins in his pocket. “I hate having them too. They have an annoying clink. Martian hearing.”
“I don’t have any change.” James said, holding up a $5 bill as proof.
Alex grabbed it out of his hand and shoved it in the jar.
“Hey!” James and Kara chorused.
J’onn slipped in $20 while the others descended into chaos.
= = = = = = = = = =
LCorp had sponsored a special exhibit at the National City Museum of Modern Art for the benefit of the Luthor Children’s Hospital. Kara flew into the alley next to the museum and super sped into her A-line dress. She met Lena in the lobby with only five minutes to spare before the CEO had to cut the ribbon. Kara apologized profusely citing Saturday morning traffic. Lena simply smiled and told her that she was happy she could make it.
Kara took some mimosas from a nearby waiter and handed one to Lena. She watched quietly from a cocktail table on the side as the young woman chatted with different people. Kara admired how Lena was equally gracious to the snobby patrons and the nerdy art afficionados, how she was actually more interested in the patients and their parents than people of her own social standing. Kara decided to interview the artist just in case she could sneak in a short paragraph about the exhibit in the next CatCo issue.
An hour and forty canapes later, Lena drifted to her side as she stared longingly at the premium art supplies in the museum shop.
“You should get them.” Lena said. “You had so much fun when you came with me to crafts day with the kids in the charity ward.”
“Oh, I just sketch. I dabble at painting from time to time but it’s an expensive hobby. I’m not good enough to merit the high-quality stuff.”
Lena flashed one of her rare smiles – genuine and shining in the brilliant light of the morning. Her voice was beautiful. Its texture fine-woven cotton. If it had a color it would be warm chestnut, fluid and resonant. “Well then, I’ll get them for you. Consider it hazard pay for putting up with me these past few weeks.”
The CEO took a step towards the shop, but Kara put a firm hand on her arm to stop her. “Lena, please. No. I… I know you said that you weren’t looking for friends here. And I respect that. I really appreciate that you invited me today. I know you didn’t have to.”
“You didn’t have to come either.” Lena pointed out. “We didn’t really get to talk, and it couldn’t have been much fun. Let me get this for you, Kara. It’s just a gift.”
Kara shook her head. “You are the gift. You don’t need to compensate me for the time I spend with you. It’s… It’s usually the best part of my week.”
= = = = = = = = = =
Lena Luthor never carried cash. She just used her platinum card so often that it was a minor miracle that the chip wasn’t smoking from the friction. But she’d been to Kara’s game nights a couple of times by now, and she’d noticed that Kara’s friends kept putting money into a glass jar by the door. She had no idea why they were doing this, but she decided to go along with it. The expression on Jess’s face was priceless when she asked her to prepare a random selection of coins and small bills. Over the next few months, it became second nature to both of them, as Friday game nights morphed into mid-week movie nights. Jess even got her a Prada coin purse now that she was carrying change around so often.
It was a Wednesday night when Lena showed up at the same time as the delivery guy. She was happy she had the spare change so she could quickly pay for the food before Kara opened the door. Lena decided it was a good thing when Kara came to the door with an uncharacteristic slump to her shoulders and a very characteristic crinkle between her eyebrows.
The CEO walked in quietly to find dismal signs of stress all over Kara’s coffee table – empty boxes of donuts were piled to the side and potato chip crumbs littered the surface. There was evidence of multiple cups of tea. Kara’s laptop was open, her notebook and pen were out, as well as an old calculator.
Lena was about to speak when her friend glommed on to her in a desperate hug.
“Hey…” Lena said softly. “Everything ok? Do you want to cancel movie night?”
Kara made a sound that was mournful and frustrated at the same time. “It’s nothing. It’s just that adulting is so freaking hard sometimes.”
“Is it an article that you’re stuck with? Or some other work issue? Maybe I could help?”
“Oh no. It’s just the horror of my personal finances.” Kara laughed. “I’m always grumpy when I do them.”
“I could give you advice.” Lena said shyly. “If you want.”
“Not with this. I mean, you’ve never lived on a budget, right?”
Lena gasped. “Kara Danvers, I’m affronted that you think I don’t know how to manage money.”
“Oh no. No no no. I didn’t mean that at all. It’s just that it’s so tiny and I’m saving for yo- You’re tired enough as it is.” Kara babbled. “You’re tired all the time. You don’t need to look at this… stuff.”
She closed her laptop quickly, this and all her other secrets scurrying behind the walls like mice in the wainscoting.
“Relax, Kara. I’m just joking. I know that it’s private… it’s just that, well, you’re always there for me and I… I wish you’d give me the opportunity to let me help you the way you’ve always helped me.” Lena finished lamely. She cast her eyes downward, suddenly finding the floor incredibly interesting.
“You could let me pick the movie.”
“Kara, it’s been your pick the last three times! I don’t have another romcom in me. You promised we’d watch Star Trek Beyond!”
“But I’m suffering!” Kara pouted. “We could watch a Disney film, it would be nice to sing along to-“
Lena turned around and dashed to the kitchen counter.
“Wha-What are you doing?”
“I’m going to eat all your pot stickers.”
“Nooooooo!” Kara ran towards her and lifted her off her feet just as she had grabbed the food.
Lena’s cheeks were as pink as Kara’s cardigan at the casual show of strength. Kara deposited them on her couch and quickly took her order from Lena’s hands. She put on the sci-fi movie on Netflix and pulled Lena’s legs onto her lap.
“There.” Kara declared. “Now my potstickers are safe, your movie is on, and we’re all comfy cozy.”
Lena stuttered out a sigh as she toed off her heels. “Blanket please.”
Kara grabbed a throw off the back of the couch and tucked it around Lena’s stockinged legs gently.
= = = = = = = = = =
Kara arrived at Lena’s office – she’d always think of it as Lena’s office – to meet with Sam. The acquisition of CatCo had been so sudden and the CFO’s office on the executive floor was still being set up so Sam had simply set up camp at Lena’s. It looked different, not in a permanent way, but there were much warmer colors that stood out. Russet throw pillows were on the white couch with a mocha-colored microfleece throw. There were wooden frames on the desk: one with Ruby, and one with all three of them. Lena looked thinner, almost unhealthy… and she was standing so stiffly in the photo, as if she had just learned to be happy.
Sam sipped from a bright orange thermos and waved her towards a chair.
“Hey Kara, what can I help you with? I thought CatCo wasn’t going to cover L Corp anymore to prevent accusations of bias.”
“It’s not. I… I needed a personal consult. I’ll try to make it quick, I know you’re swamped.”
“No problem. I just hope you don’t mind if I snack while we’re talking?”
Kara shook her head and brought out her laptop while Sam took out a zip-lock bag of homemade trail mix.
“So, um, I was just wondering if you could take a quick look to see what I can do with my money?” Kara asked nervously. “If it’s really awkward I could just um, well, I don’t know but I’d figure something out.”
“You’re fine. Though I should say that I could put you in touch with a good financial advisor, because I’m not really licensed to give you advice.”
Kara shook her head. “Finance confuses me and you’re a friend and I trust you so… I mean, I’ll take anything you can give me.”
“Ok, so first things first, what’s your goal?”
“My… goal?”
“Yeah, are you planning a big vacation for next year or is this something more long-term like retirement?”
“Er… well… I’m looking to buy some property?”
“To rent out to someone or to use as your home?”
“Home.” Kara said wistfully. “Definitely home.”
“Great, that’s a wonderful thing to motivate yourself with.” Sam smiled. “So my next question is, are you ready to invest?”
“I… think so?”
Sam explained patiently. “You’re not ready to invest unless you have the equivalent of 6 months’ worth of your expenses in a savings account. You never know if you’ll get laid off or let go. Though with Lena helming CatCo the chances of either are remote. That also means you’re good for health insurance. I doubt Cat Grant would be stingy, but Lena always makes it a priority to overhaul the benefits whenever she takes over a new company. Which only leaves having enough in your monthly budget to cover your debts like credit cards and any existing loans that you have.”
Kara heaved a sigh of relief. “Yeah, I’ve got all of that covered.”
“Alright, let’s take a look at what you’ve got.” Sam said as she motioned Kara to come over to her side of the desk. The brunette ran a practiced eye over the numbers as she munched on her trail mix.
“So you have a lot of cash in savings, that’s good because you can invest that. A savings account is only for your parachute for losing your job. Any amount above that should be invested. You shouldn’t be stashing money there for the long term.” Sam said.
“Well, I’ve bought some stock.” Kara pointed out.
“All in L Corp.” Sam chuckled. “Lena and I appreciate the loyalty and the vote of confidence, but you really should diversify across some of the other blue chips. Maybe put it in a mutual fund so you don’t have to pick individual stocks.”
Kara listened and took notes as Sam gave her a quick run-down.
“You’ve got a good thing going here, Kara and I can see that you started young. That always matters. You could probably get a housing loan for the property you want. How much were you thinking for this eventual home?”
“I need $2 million.”
“Whoa! That’s… that’s ambitious.”
“There’s a 3-bedroom, 3-bathroom condo uptown, in a great neighborhood and a good school district. It’s 2,400 square feet.”
“Wow, Kara… you’re thinking school districts.” Sam took a breath so she could choose her words carefully. “Isn’t a little bit early to think of a permanent home? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think you can get there eventually. But maybe a smaller property in the meantime?”
Kara turned a peculiar shade of red as she blurted out. “I know. I know it’s not sensible, but my plans changed, and I needed something much better… she deserves the best.”
Sam took note of the pronoun but kept her face impassive as only a single mother of a precocious teen could. “It sounds like you’ve already checked this place out and decided on it.”
“Uh huh.” Kara chirped excitedly. “Here take a look, they have a virtual tour!”
Sam spent a few happy minutes with Kara looking through her dream home. Kara seemed to want her opinion on whether the place was “good enough” and the gears in the Latina’s brain started turning.
“You’re going to have to take a lot of risk to make this investment. Nothing’s a sure deal. Are you ok with that?”
“Yeah.” Kara nodded. “I’m willing to take the risk.”
“Ok then. Let me set you up with a friend who can give you some more high-res advice though. He’ll take great care of you.”
Kara smiled as she took her laptop off the desk. “Thanks Sam. It means a lot that you took the time.”
“You know...” Sam said impishly. “Lena could have easily helped you with this. You didn’t have to come to me.”
Kara stammered and pressed her laptop tighter to her chest, almost as if it was a shield. “Oh I… I can’t ask her to… She grew up with money and I… It would be really weird.”
Sam resisted pointing out that it was weirder to discuss your personal finances with a new friend, and considered her suspicions confirmed until proven otherwise.
It was only much later, at the farewell party for Sam and Ruby, that the CFO picked up the subject again.
It was the last days of summer and Ruby had to start at the charter school in Metropolis that had been hell to get into. They’d both been sorry to leave Lena, but Sam knew she needed some physical and emotional distance from her ordeal as Reign. Lena had thrown a pool party on the rooftop of the Baldwin Hotel, a few floors up from her suite. Clad in an elegant sarong over her black bikini, Lena was laughing with Ruby as they chatted about the Pokemon game they were both playing. Kara was staring haplessly at her best friend like a lovesick puppy.
Sam sidled up to her and handed her a glass of Amarone. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” Kara replied as she took a sip, her eyes still glued to Lena.
“How much risk are you willing to accept?”
“What?”
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this business it’s that money is fungible, but time is not. You can always earn more money, but you can’t get back time.” Sam drawled. “An investment is essentially based on a projection, Kara – a hope for the future.”
Kara tore her eyes away from Lena and pressed her lips together before speaking. There was a distinct dread in her voice. “I… I don’t know what you mean.”
“You owe it to her, and to yourself, to risk telling her the truth.” Sam said quietly.
Kara nearly dropped her glass. She looked like she was on the verge of a panic attack, but Sam pushed the envelope. She knew that this was one thing she could do for Lena.
“I wouldn’t wait much longer to tell her how you feel, Kara.”
= = = = = = = = = =
Eve had been arrested and Lena had returned home after her “ordeal”. Kara saw her Rolls pull into the driveway of her luxury apartment building. She had to get out of the way of a passing Cessna, but she caught sight of Lena heading into the lobby. She hovered in place, watching from 10km above the surface, until she saw the lights turn on in the CEO’s penthouse.
Tears stung her eyes as Kara flew to her apartment on instinct. She grabbed the worn MIT hoodie from her closet. It was something she had taken righteously because Lena had “stolen” her NCU sweatshirt. The enormity of her loss pierced through her, because her friendship with Lena was really over. Alex had nearly tried to kill Lena. No one truly understood that Lena was only acting this way because Kara had hurt her – hurt her more than anyone else.
Kara flew out of her window again, still gripping the hoodie desperately to her chest. She flew higher and higher, weaving around a plane as she passed the ozone layer, dodging meteors in the upper atmosphere. She flew higher than the aurora borealis, higher than the two space stations that orbited Earth. So high that even she felt cold. So high that air molecules were too far away to transmit sound. In that unforgiving emptiness, lit only by the light of stars long gone, Kara screamed.
She screamed so loudly and so long in the bitter cold, knowing the force of her anguish and despair was something no one could understand. She was so high up that even if Kal had been on earth… even he wouldn’t be able to hear her make a sound. He wouldn’t have been startled out of his bed in Metropolis. He wouldn’t have been alarmed enough to check on her.
Why did Kal get everything? A wife… a child. Why did she have to lose so much? Why was everything harder for her? Why could she only have the admiration of strangers and the love of her foster family and her friends? Why couldn’t she have Lena? Why couldn’t she have Lena in any way at all? Why would she have to pine for her from a distance? Why was it her lot in life to never hear her laugh or see her smile… to never feel her embrace again?
When she was close to running out of breath, Kara descended slowly back to the planet. Back to the country and city she knew best. Back to the heartbeats of the people she loved. The bittersweet sound of Lena’s broken heart tore through her like an explosion of kryptonite.
She landed on the small balcony of the newly bought and empty condominium. Kara let herself in and curled up on the hardwood floor she had paid extra for. She lay alone with the gnawing greed for one to whom she could give nothing, of whom she craved all. Time bled to death in slow heartbeats, in the multitude of love’s penance. She clutched at the hoodie and buried her face in it. Though it had long lost Lena’s scent, Kara knew it was the only thing she would ever have left.
= = = = = = = = = =
With everything that had been going on, small things could have easily slipped through the cracks – fallen unnoticed by the wayside. But Lena Luthor was nothing but thorough and she would… she would bring Kara back even if she had to use every cent she had. And when she brought Kara back, she would return to her life… a good life that she deserved. Which was why Lena had hacked into Kara’s email account to maintain the illusion that she was “on assignment with Cat Grant”. Which was why on her 6th cup of coffee while tinkering at the lab in the Tower, she noticed the distinct ping of a customized alert from Kara’s account.
The sender was marked important. Lena saw that it was a cordial notification from a property management firm to remind Kara that she had to pay property tax on September 1st. It had a conciliatory note that the condominium board was unfortunately unable to grant her the increased electrical capacity she had requested for the home lab she wanted to build. The email asked what Kara wanted to do.
Lena didn’t even know Kara was interested in science or engineering. Well, Kara Danvers hadn’t been. Maybe Kara Zor-El was different. Nevertheless, property and labs were something that Lena did know about and if this was important to Kara, then it was important to her. Small as it was, this was something concrete and meaningful she could do for the woman she… the woman she loved.
Lena sent a reply with a letter authorizing herself as Kara’s representative, adding Kara’s electronic signature to the document as she explained that Kara was on assignment.
She drove her car to Noe Park, surprised that Kara would pick an upscale central neighborhood better known for attracting young families than single professionals. The condominium was nestled between artisanal bakeries, small bookstores, and yoga studios. It was an oasis of quiet in National City that gave a small-town feel while still having walkable access to public transportation. Lena passed a park and Stratford – the private school that most of her board members sent their young children to – as she pulled into the guest parking slot of the building.
The representative from the property management firm was a tall gentleman named Naeem who shook her hand heartily. He took her around the empty condominium with a smile.
“The kitchen has been done to Kara’s specifications, we were able to fit everything in the smaller space so that the living and dining area could be larger for the game nights she wanted to have.” He said warmly. “We’ve also managed to make the master bedroom smaller so that it could accommodate the walk-in closet. It’s really the home office and lab that we’re having problems with.”
He walked her into the room in question. The developers had clearly meant for it to be a bedroom and Lena could see the electrical sockets that had been added into the walls so that it could form some sort of mini-lab.
“From the instructions that were provided to us and the electrical capacity you’re allowed minus the kitchen appliances: it looks like we can do the PCR machine, fume hood, and the 3D printer but not anything else.” Naeem passed the sheet of paper to Lena. “It’s really good of you to come despite your busy schedule so that we can prioritize what you’ll be needing Ms. Luthor.”
“What I…” Lena’s words failed her as her jaw went slack.
“Well, please excuse me Ms. Luthor, Ms. Danvers had always been a bit reticent to talk about her partner but now I can see why, and I truly respect your privacy. I read in the news that you’d left Luthor Corp, and you must miss your lab but I’m afraid we can’t incorporate everything you’d want in your home.”
“I… I see.”
“We’d really like to move this project along and turn it over to both of you. So if you could get back to us by next week with some revisions to the set-up, we’d appreciate it.”
Lena didn’t catch the rest of his detailed explanations about electrical and ventilation needs as the full force of the realization slammed into her chest. Kara hadn’t left her a message, only a padded envelope from Alex that contained a set of numbered keys. There had been no explanation what the keys were for, and Lena was too hell-bent on bringing Kara back that her natural curiosity had been put to the side. She carried the keys around with her aimlessly, holding the cold metal in her hands from time to time, just to remind herself that Kara had given her something.
Lena staggered to the door of the room as she fished the keys out of her pocket. She could barely put one of them into the lock.
“They’re all properly numbered.” Naeem said helpfully.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“The keys to your unit.” He replied. “1 is the master’s bedroom, 2 is this home office and lab, and 3 is the art studio that can easily be transformed into the nursery. Just as Ms. Danvers requested.”
Lena dimly heard the sound of his voice talking about the two locks in the front door while her hands shook and tears filled her eyes.
“Excuse me, are you alright Ms. Luthor?”
“Show it to me.” Lena choked out. “Show it all to me. Please.”
= = = = = = = = = =
Lena had read the phrase “beside oneself with grief” before, but this was the first time she’d seen it. When they had all made it clear that Kara had been alone, that no one had been with her in the Phantom Zone and that they hadn’t left anyone behind. Kara had stopped struggling to get back out of the ship and stood stock still. She looked as if the universe itself had turned away from her. She seemed numb, just short of catatonic. She didn’t respond to anyone’s touch but Lena’s.
With as much tenderness as she could muster, Lena led Kara to the medbay. Kara was a couple of inches taller than her, but she seemed so small as she curled up on the sun bed. Alex checked her over gently, handing instruments to Lena if her sister needed to be touched. When it was done and it seemed that Kara was merely exhausted, Lena helped her stretch out on the sun bed before Alex turned it on.
Lena sat beside the sun bed for hours, refusing to even buckle up as a precaution as the ship landed back at the Tower.
It was Lena who turned off the sun bed, who gently brought Kara to her feet. It was Lena who helped her into the back seat of the car so she could curl up while Lena drove them to Kara’s apartment. It was Lena who had the keys, who ordered the food as Kara began to walk around the space.
Kara was surprised that everything was so pristine, even her plants looked healthier. It hadn’t looked like this in any of the visions in the Phantom Zone. She began to touch everything in her apartment, running her fingers against the grain of the wood and the crisp texture of the fabric.
“The food will be here soon.” Lena said softly. “You could take a shower… you’ll feel better afterwards.”
Kara looked at her numbly and obeyed. She moved into the bathroom – her bathroom – took of her suit. She touched the grout between the happy tiles as the water came out of the shower, the same unsatisfying water pressure. She touched her skin, unblemished and smooth but for her childhood scars from Krypton. Kara tried to ground herself, reaching out with her hearing for Lena’s heartbeat when she couldn’t. She washed up as she always had, completing her ablutions robotically. She put on grey sweatpants and her old N*SYNC t-shirt.
Kara was on autopilot, drawn to Lena’s heartbeat. She sat down beside her on the couch, but not too close. The food had arrived, and Lena handed her the standard order of potstickers. She gently broke open the chopsticks and began to put food in her mouth. They tasted like sand and salt. Not like they had in the visions in the Phantom Zone. Kara began to think she really was home, here again, on her couch with Lena. Just as they had been ages ago… in another time, on another earth. She chewed and swallowed slowly for ten silent minutes until she broke.
“You got the keys. You know.” Kara said dully.
Lena took a deep breath. “I do.”
“I didn’t mean for you to find out this way, I… I wanted to tell you. I… I was just scared.” Kara closed her eyes. “Rao, why am I always saying that?! How do I keep making the same mistake with you? I wish you’d forgive me.”
“I do.”
“It doesn’t have to mean… you have a choice in… just because I… I’ve always… you don’t have to-“
“I do.”
“Lena… it’s just… there’s not much I can give you. You don’t know how much I-”
“I do. I do know, Kara. I’ve always known that… that love’s price is harsh. I learned very early in my life what love cost. I never counted it, but I knew what it cost. You never did. Not when it came to me. You kept giving me all the things that really mattered.” Lena’s voice broke as she paused. “The property taxes are paid for, and you were too generous with your estimates for what I’d need for a home lab. I sorted it all out. I saw the whole place and realized the keys fit. I… I broke down in Alex’s arms and she… she told me you’d planned this even when you were a child. I had your laptop and I saw all the ways you’re paying for this… for a future together. I think I’ve always seen you doing that and never noticed.”
Lena reached out to take her hand. “And I do forgive you, for everything… more than ever now that I know what it feels like to lose you. The only thing I wouldn’t be able to forgive is if we took even more time to start building that future you dreamed of.”
“So I do have to, Kara.” Lena’s voice wavered. “I have to take care of you now, the way you’ve always taken care of me… in all the little ways you’ve denied yourself things, in all the big ways too. I want to bear this with you. Please, Kara. Anything that hurts you, hurts me. Your fears, your worries, your pain – let me share it. Let me carry it with you. Please let me take care of you now. It’s the only thing I want, the most important thing to me in all the multiverse.”
Her hand came up gently to Kara’s face. “Afterwards, not tonight but soon, we’ll talk and you’ll ask me things, and I’ll say I do. And one day, someone will ask me to promise you things in front of our friends…things that I promised you long ago in my heart. And on that beautiful day, holding your hands in mine, I will say I do.”
Kara fell into Lena’s arms, bowed by the weight of all that she had borne and collapsed at last into the only home she had ever needed.
“I can’t… Lena, I can’t be strong anymore.” She cried out. “I can’t be alone anymore. I can’t be without you in every way.”
“You don’t have to… you don’t ever have to be alone again.”
A hinge seemed to have broken inside Kara’s chest and all the pain and fear and longing had rushed out. Her breaths came fast and short. Her tears soaked Lena’s cotton shirt as she made sounds that she hadn’t let out since she was a very little girl. By the time she was done, Kara was exhausted.
Lena whispered comfort and love. Lena made her finish as much food as she could, made her drink water. Lena tossed out the take-out containers and then took Kara by the hand and led her to the bed. Kara sat there while Lena took a quick shower. She came out in one of Kara’s oversized t-shirts. With loose hair and no make-up, she was achingly lovely. So much so that Kara’s heart almost stopped.
Lena pulled her to the sink. They stood side-by-side, brushing their teeth. The bathroom smelled like Lena and peppermint. Kara’s head swam. The woman she loved took her hand again, timid and gentle, as they slipped into the bed next to each other. Kara reached out hesitantly, then pulled back a little. Lena shook her head and moved herself into Kara’s embrace. Closer than they’d ever been before.
“I need this just as much as you do.” Lena choked out. “Maybe more.”
They lay like that for long minutes, with Lena’s hands tentative at her back.
“Do you want to touch me?” Kara whispered.
“I do.”
“Do you want me to touch you?”
“I do.” Lena’s voice was soft and warm and just a little bit shy.
“Do you want me to kiss you?”
Instead of answering, Lena touched her mouth against Kara’s with such tenderness that it stole Kara’s breath from her chest before she kissed her back. She loved the apple sandalwood smell of her, the weight of Lena’s body next to her… the feel of Lena’s mouth, timid and adoring against hers. Kara had imagined this, dreamt of this before. She thought it would be a ferocity of longing and desperation. Instead, it was warm and steady. Every kiss was like a revelation, better than the one before. Kara felt she could just stay here and kiss her forever.
When Lena parted her lips, their mouths slotted together in an open-mouth kiss that had stars exploding behind Kara’s eyes and an intoxicating haze settling over her scattered thoughts.
“Lena.” She gasped out when they took a fleeting moment to regain their breath. Love and need collided within her until it was all she could do not to cry out beneath the weight of it all.
Lena breathed out her name reverently in reply, her forehead pressed ever-so-gently against Kara’s own.
Kara leaned in and kissed her. Yearning kisses. Kisses that ached for everything they promised. Kara loved her. More than anything in her life… more than any loss, any pain, any sorrow, any betrayal, or any fear. Kara loved her. And she gave herself up to the feeling. Safe in Lena’s arms, harbored in Lena’s soul, inside the fortress that no one could break.
It seemed like they lay like that for an eternity; so long that worlds moved and stars realigned, and the path to Lena’s heart became a song, hummed under Kara’s breath as she finally stepped in. She had lost a home, gained another, watched the very destruction of a universe. She had saved and scrimped and dreamed and built. But it was in this shining moment alone that Lena gave her the home she had always longed for.