Chapter Text
The days pass. Remus shows up at one point, bringing all of them some stuff they left behind at Hogwarts.
Soon Sirius and James will have to go back to Hogwarts too, leaving Regulus behind. Regulus, well, it turns out accidentally being forced into your six year old body grants you a free pass from having to go back for the last couple of weeks that still remains of the school year.
Regulus tried everything to get out of staying at the Potters all alone, with just the infuriatingly cheerful parents of James, but after a certain point even he had to admit, that he didn't really have anywhere else to go. When he tried to bring up the possibility of moving back into Grimmauld Place a single glance at Sirius and James’ horrified expressions made him swallow his words.
After that Regulus didn't really talk much. He kept to himself, kind of just observed his surroundings and the life that happened around him, but never with him. He observed the way the Potters lived: how they had dinner and did dishes and the clearing up like it was always meant to be a joint effort and not something unbearably stressful and painfully polished. He observed the way Sirius and James lit up from within when they joked around each other, how at ease they seemed to be while in eachother's orbit. Brothers that weren't born but made.
And Regulus gets it, he really does. James is like something out of a fever dream; fiery and dazzling and oh, oh filled with so much kindness it aches to witness the way it pours out of him as if it takes no effort at all.
—
“We’re going to the beaaach,” Sirius sing-songs the day before going back to Hogwarts. “Come on Reg, lets find you something comfortable to wear. There’s no way I’m spending my last day with you cramped up in this house.”
“Hey, what's wrong with this house?” James laughs, shoving Sirius playfully. “Do you want to come? Regulus?”
Regulus knows that he’s supposed to answer in an at least somewhat cheerful voice, pretend that he’s excited to go out, prove to Sirius and James that he can be fun to be around, that he’s okay, that he’s healed and normal and–
He instinctively clutches his right arm, holding it close to his chest protectively. What he’s protecting it from remains to be a mistery even to him. Regulus doesnt think there is a way to protect someone from their very own self.
“Hey,” Sirius nudges him as he lowers himself onto the bed, next to where Regulus is still curled up, and wrapped tightly in a fuzzy blanket. “How’s the headache? Still getting any new memories back?” His voice comes out tentative, like he’s afraid he could make Regulus disappear with the wrong word.
Unfortunately, it’s not that easy, Regulus should know. He tried. Or more like, tried to try. But even the final breath of a human is not served to them on a silver platter. You have to fight and give your blood, sweat and tears to be granted permanent relief.
Regulus tries to be less ... aweful, more positive. He really really tries. He desperately wants everyone around him to just know how much he tries. How badly he wants to stop being the way he is. Not every wish is granted though. Regulus should know better, his time of childhood has long ended, no point in still making himself believe in fairytales.
—
Finally, James and Sirius manage to coax him out of bed. Sirius found him a long sleeved shirt with a pair of James’ pants which Regulus reluctantly accepted, seeing he really didn't have much else to wear to the beach.
“You coming?” James turns to Regulus, offering him a hand. Regulus would snort if he could find the energy. Not knowing how to respond and not wanting to just ignore James (he’s rude but not that rude) he decides to hold onto James’ forearm as a compromise.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” Regulus asks quietly once he makes sure Sirius is out of earshot talking to Remus, the pair of them walking hand in hand a few feet ahead of James and Regulus.
James looks at him with wide eyes before his face breaks into a brilliant smile. “Have a reputation to uphold, golden boy of the gryffindor tower et cetera, et cetera.”
“Okay fine, don’t answer me then,” Regulus sighs, though he’s surprised to realize, his stony expression got replaced with something fonder.
“Regulus,” James stops, making Regulus halt too, the two of them just standing in the middle of the street, looking lost from the outside but finding the way home in the other's orbit. “You deserve to be treated with kindness.” He says it so simply, like it's the most mundane thing in the world, like it’s self explanatory, like it's as sure as the fact that the sky is blue and the grass is green.
Regulus can suddenly feel his throat close up, unable to keep a powerful vawe of emotion from overcoming him.
“You okay?” James asks, as he slides his hand into Regulus’s and drawing small circles on the pale skin of the back of his hand. “Did I say something wrong?” The question comes out as a whisper, and Regulus can't bare to hear it, the hesitation in James’s voice, the small crumbs of self doubt hiding between the words.
“No,” he manages, squeezing his eyes shot. “No, you’re just- you’re you . If you didn't exist, someone would have to invent you. You are one of a kind, James Potter.” Regulus thinks James should know that. Should know how much of an impact he has on the people around him.
“Okay, I’m a bit confused but let me just file this conversation into the box of the few times I think you were maybe, possibly flirting with me,” James says cheekily and Regulus feels heat rise in his face.
“That’s– what am I supposed to say to that?” he asks grumpily, feeling like the ground is giving way under him.
“Were you?” James asks, that tragic glimmer of doubt back in his voice. Regulus has to smother it, make it disappear for good.
“What?” Regulus asks, suddenly looking away, not daring to meet James’ eyes.
“Flirting with me?” James manages to make the question sound hopeful.
Regulus doesn't know what to do with this much hope. He only got a handful of it in his life, so it was always simpler to fear hope than trust it. No reason to get attached to the good things; they are destined to end sooner or later. The world is made to have more of the bad than the good, Regulus feels it in his bones that there's just no way around that fact.
So why is it that when he gathers the courage to look up into James’ eyes again, he suddenly feels like he finally understands.
"Hm, I'm not sure... Why don't you go ahead and find out?"
James meets him halfway, slightly leaning down while Regulus gets on his tiptoes and tilts his head upwards. When their lips touch in a gentle kiss, Regulus relizes he now understands the hopeless romantics, the people who seem to be drunk on life and love every single day. The people who get up in the morning and think to themselves I love this. I love this so much, I want to keep doing it till the end of my life.
Regulus will never be one of those people. He will never know what it feels like to wake up and not have to struggle. He will never know how to walk into a room full of people and look forward to meeting all of them without a sinking feeling in his stomach. And no, Regulus Arcturus Black will never know what it is to live life to the fullest, he will never know what it means to live with hope instead of fear.
But now, just for a moment he makes himself believe in it. In a life filled with happiness instead of pain. Even just for a day. Even just for this very moment, standing in front of James Potter, holding his hand and getting lost in the thousand emotions dancing behind his eyes.
Regulus Black wasn't saved by the perfect kiss. He wasn't saved by one person who made all the difference.
No, Regulus was put back together painstakenly, piece by piece, by a group of friends and family who loved him not because of what he could offer to them but because they believed that he was someone that deserved a second chance at a gentle life.
By their kindness did Regulus learn step by step, to swallow his many silences, swallow his binding pain and digest it, break it apart and then finally, realize that he didn't need to hold onto it anymore. That it was okay to let it go and make way for peace and kindness.
Because he deserved it.