Work Text:
The next morning was cruel. Moiraine spent the night holding Siuan, but did not sleep whatsoever. This was a constant now, not sleeping, not eating, simply existing. The promise of a future together seemed so far away now.
When Moiraine got up, Siuan was still sound asleep. Not a thing in the world would trouble her sleep, not even nightmares about the end of the world. She smiles with sadness at the thought of Siuan alone dreaming about what they never will have. But things were different this time, as Moiraine would be marching to her death and she was scared of never seeing her lover again.
The memory from the night before came to her mind. Siuan got away with almost every stunt she played at her, and her sense of humor was unmatched, especially when it came to annoying Moiraine and making sure she’d laugh instead of being so tense all the time. But at last, the fantasy must end, and reality called them, the Seat called and Siuan couldn’t afford to be merciful this time.
-Siuan- Moiraine caressed her back, waking her up.- We need to go. It 's almost time.
She got up, sighing and tears started to show up but she ignored the tight grip they held on her throat. She did not want to say goodbye, not again and definitely not this time. Siuan watches her, admiring her, memorizing every single characteristic she could possibly remember. Siuan didn’t say anything, not good morning, nothing, she knew Moiraine needed her to be strong right now, she could handle her sorrow later.
-In this life or the next.- Moiraine said one last time before weaving her hands, the One Power dancing around her as she looked at Siuan, heartbroken and terrified.
Neither of them cried afterwards, not even alone in their bedrooms. There was no time. Bangs on the door startled Moiraine, lost in her thoughts. The Amyrlin awaited her.
********
…Siuan Sanche, daughter of the river…strong as the tides…
As Siuan sat there, in what was supposed to be their home, their bed, she couldn’t help but remember Moiraine’s words earlier that day. Carefully picked for her ears only, marriage vows they had written years ago, in anticipation of something that never would come. Moiraine was never the sentimental one but Light when she decided to be romantic, no one could stop her.
The fishnet she started months ago laid on her lap. She often would go to the hut nights in a row, just to feel Moiraine’s scent on the sheets, or to drink the ale Moiraine hated and laugh to herself remembering all the times Lady Damodred made comments about it, as she was not used to drinking cheap beverages.
But this time was different. She didn’t know if she would ever have any of those things again. Moiraine was marching to her death and there was nothing she could do about it. And her heart ached, she felt like breathing was the hardest task she ever had to do as the thought of a dead Moiraine came to her.
She looks around the hut, looking for anything that could ground her. She didn't want to mourn her loss just yet, there was still hope, a long, almost lost sentiment that they would be okay. It was always enough to keep her afloat, on the nights she visited their secret place alone in those last twenty-years, but not this time.
No, today she would cry, she would lose her breath in tears, drowning in the sea of desperation that rose every time she thought about Moiraine’s vows. And she did. She allowed herself to have this one night of pain, because her daughters needed her, and she didn’t know if she would be able to go on without living her grief and her guilt. She cried until she could not keep her eyes open any longer.
She tried to fall asleep, to rest her mind, but for the first time since she could remember, sleep never came. Siuan visited the hut every night afterwards, and sleeping sounded like something she would never do again until she knew, with certainty, that Moiraine made it out safe, that the Dark One was no longer a threat. It had been weeks, long and excruciating weeks, until the letter came, she recognized the handwriting, it was Lan’s.
Her heart raced, she didn’t know if she was ready to open but she knew she had to. It wasn’t a letter per say, just a phrase. The single most important phrase she had ever read. She is alive.