Chapter Text
Jace’s dreams had always been fragmented and dimensional. It was like he could tell what he was seeing wasn’t real, but at the same time, he knew they held some fragment of reality. With Quarterfinals that weekend Jace did not want to get stuck in his head so he tried everything to keep the dreams from plaguing him. Most of the time that meant texting Cregan to see if he was staying at the hockey house and walking down after everyone else fell asleep.
Cregan always complained about that, saying he could drive up the hill and save him the time and energy, but Jace always declined. His truck was very noticeable and it would be adding more stress to a situation that was meant to relieve him of it. Jace’s strategy worked well enough for him to make it through the week without another disturbing nightmare. He couldn’t have handled that on top of the anxiety for their upcoming game.
“Dude, my mom is here. She just texted Addam and I,” Alyn said, as they walked down to the rink.
“Seriously? That’s great,” Jace said. Woods nodded in agreement.
“I know, but I’m tweaking. You saw how Riverrun pummeled Pyke last weekend.”
“Yeah but Pyke sucks,” Jace said with a shrug.
“Let a guy have some pre game nerves,” Alyn grumbled.
“Get it out now, then. No ones going to want to hear it in the locker room.”
“Ooo, we’re getting angry Jace today,” Alyn said, leaning away from him with his hands raised in surrender. “You should save that too, but for when we’re on the ice.”
Alyn wasn’t the only one with nerves though. The rest of the walk down was quiet but thankfully once they reached the locker room someone had already connected to the speaker and music was blasting.
“Ay Sparks!” Manderly called out, fisting bumping Jace as he walked in. Bolts dragged Woods off to the side, whispering to him about something. Addam chucked a water bottle at Alyn.
“How’d you know I forgot mine?” Alyn asked, catching it with ease.
“Because you always forget something before a big game,” Addam said, but there was no judgment in his tone. “You’re welcome.”
Warm-up went by quickly. Alyn and Addam’s mother was already seated behind the glass, waving happily to her two sons. Alyn looked a bit embarrassed but gave her a little salute as he skated back to the bench. Arra was there with little Rickon as well. The toddler was sitting on her shoulders, bundled up in Winterfell colors.
“He’ll be out like a light by the second half, that kid could sleep through a hurricane,” Cregan said to Jace as he skated past to go say hi. Jace found himself smiling, watching Cregan tap on the glass.
Coach Dustin blew his whistle, gathering them all into the locker room for a meeting. Jce could feel the difference in energy from their last game. The team had put their all into the last two weeks of training, perfecting drills and practicing plays until they could do them in their sleep. There was more than an eagerness to play prickling under Jace’s skin but a steadiness as well. He felt prepared, ready to perform, and part of that was the absolute trust he had in the people surrounding him.
“How you’re going to play tonight, it’s nothing new, “Coach Dustin started. “It’s nothing special. You’re going to get out there and do exactly what you’ve been doing for the past two weeks. Fuck it, what you’ve been doing this whole season. I don’t need to tell you to get your act together, I don’t need to tell you ‘no mistakes,’ because I know what you’re capable of. Don’t let yourself down by doing any less.”
When it was clear he was finished and it was time for a breakout cheer, Florent cut in.
“Hey,” he said. “Family on three.”
Woods threw one arm over Jace’s shoulders and reached the other into the circle.
“ONE. TWO. THREE. FAMILY!”
“Okay, now get out of here,” Dustin directed, ushering them out with his clipboard.
~
Jace whooped and threw down his sweaty helmet. Alyn clapped him on the back.
“Hell yeah man! Hell yeah!” Jace cheered. Riverun had put up a strong fight in the first period but the second period had set Winterfell ahead by two points.
“Hey, settle down for a second, we need to talk strategy” Cregan said and the excited chanting of the locker room dropped to a buzz of pent up energy as Coach Dustin went over the next half of the game. Cregan shifted so he was beside Jace as the back of the huddle. He wiped sweat off the back of his neck with a towel and leaned over to whisper in his ear.
“You’re killing it,” he said, “I’m proud of you.” Jace could’ve died happy right then and there. He looked up at Cregan, unable to control the stupid smile that was stuck on his face.
“Okay, break! Grab water, food, just make sure you’re ready in the next...” Coach looked at his watch, “7 minutes.” Jace was about to grab his water when Coach Arryn walked into the locker room and ushered for him.
“What’s up?” Jace asked.
“Yo Jace! Get over here” called Addam, holding out his phone and laughing. Probably pulled up some smack about Riverrun.
“One second” he responded, turning back to the assistant coach.
“You’ve got family that wants to chat for a second” Arryn said. Jace looked at him, confused.
“We’re back on in less than 10” he said.
“I know, but they said it’d be quick” Arryn shrugged, “They’re only passing through and wanted to say hi.”
Jace grumbled a response and pushed past his coach
“Down the hall to the right!” he called out after him.
You’re lucky I love you , Jace imagined saying to Baela or Joff, whoever felt the need to interrupt him in the middle of a game. Any other time , he thought, any other time I would be more than happy to see you . But when he rounded the corner, it was not familiarity or love that overwhelmed him, but shock and rage.
In front of him stood Aemond Targayen.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he spat.
“We’re playing Karstark tomorrow, our hotel wasn’t a far drive from here” he stated plainly. Aemond had switched from hockey to basketball in middle school since it was easier to play without full vision. “You haven’t been responding to my messages so…”
“That was you?” Jace exclaimed. Of course it was. Of course his family bullshit would churn up at the most ill suited times. Jace did not have time for this.
“Yes, I didn’t get to see you over winter break and-”
“You need to leave,” Jace warned.
“Jace, I came here to talk,” Aemond said. He expected his cousin to be mean and harsh, like he used to be, but it almost sounded like he was pleading.
“You’re crazy!” Jace said, stepping closer. “You’re crazy if you thought I would want to talk to you.”
Aemond sighed. “You’re right, but I– I feel so bad, Jace, you have to believe me. I can’t stand it.”
“Then don’t!” Jace yelled. “I don’t care what you do, drop off the face of the earth for all I care. You made Luke feel the same, you let him suffer! He was...he was unwell because of how guilty he felt! It consumed him! He was just getting better!” Fury was burning a hole in Jace’s chest. “I don’t care how you feel, because you will never know how you made him feel.”
“You think I don’t know? I knew more than you did.” Aemond paused before delivering the final blow. “It was your window he went through that night, right?”
Jace turned around slowly.
“What did you say?” he snarled, stalking towards his uncle, about to shove him back. Then his eyes flickered to Aemond’s sweatshirt, it was deep green. Jace had seen it before, discarded on Luke’s bed. The shock of the memory was almost enough for him to release Aemond. What the fuck.
“I gave him a ride home that night, he was in a bad spot. I helped him. He told me what was going on when I drove him home.” A knife twisted in Jace’s heart. Luke wouldn’t tell him, but he would tell Aemond? The very person who made him that way?
“I don’t believe you” he lied, “You killed him.”
Jace turned to walk away, ready to leave this conversation. I have a game to finish.
“I didn’t, I swear. I’ll tell you what happened.”
Jace stopped in his tracks. Apparently that was enough for Aemond to keep talking.
“The sky got dark right before the storm. Rhaenyra asked me to go get you guys, she couldn’t get any service. She said you all went to explore that island. It was already choppy when I got there. You took Baela and Rhaena on your jet ski, I was supposed to get Luke and Joffrey.”
Jace remembered his voice getting hoarse as he tried to yell above the wind to Aemond. He could still hear himself shouting ‘take Luke and Joff, I got the girls.’ Jace had sped off from the island as fast as he could without confirmation from Aemond in the hopes that if he was fast enough he could meet them on the way back. The water sprayed up in his face, getting in his eyes and mouth. He tasted salt.
“I should’ve just made him get on with Joffrey, but he wouldn’t leave the dog behind. I ran into Aegon on the way back and put Joffrey on his Jetski and went back for Luke. I thought it was bad out before, but it only got worse.”
“The waves kept crashing over us. We almost got knocked off and he could barely hold on because Arrax kept clawing at him so I grabbed that stupid dog and threw it into the ocean. I didn’t even look where it went, I was just trying to get us out of the storm.”
Arrax . Jace thought of the dog tag, of the lump of matted fur washed up on the beach. He felt sick.
“Are you trying to say Luke jumped in after Arrax? Do you seriously think I’d believe that?” Jace shouted, whipping around. He slammed Aemond into the wall, gritting his teeth.
“No!” Aemond defended. “He held onto me after that, but I can still...” Aemond gulped, “He’s screaming at me ‘stop, turn around.’ I couldn’t.” Aemond’s voice was breaking. Jace thought he could see tears welling in his eyes, the real one and the fake. “I couldn’t even get the jet ski to move anymore, I was just trying to keep it upright. I think he knew that Arrax was gone, he just couldn’t accept it. Then another wave hit us. He was holding onto my life jacket one moment and the next he was just… gone.”
Memories were attacking Jace, almost knocking him to his knees.
The storm clearing to reveal a perfect blue sky. A Coast Guard boat pulling up to the pier. Alicent barely waiting til it had docked before clutching Aemond into a crushing hug. Mother waiting to do the same thing. Waiting, waiting, waiting for Luke. Being greeted by a steel faced guard instead. The whole world breaking apart.
Screaming, so much screaming. Daemon cursing at staring tourists. Vomit and blood and tears and the taste of salt water. An unmade bed. A pile of dirty clothes. A toothbrush. A dog crate. Empty casket, empty room, empty house.
Jace felt his own hot tears running down his face. Then he reared back and punched Aemond in the jaw. His head snapped back and hit the wall behind him. Aemond stumbled forward and Jace shoved him to the ground, kicking him in the ribs.
“Fight back!” Jace shouted, “Isn’t this what you wanted? Fight back!” Tears and snot ran off his chin. His knuckles were bloody and stinging. Then he was being dragged backwards by strong arms. He thrashed against the hold.
“Jace, it’s us. You gotta calm down” he heard a voice say.
“What the fuck happened? Who is that guy?” someone else said.
Luke , Jace thought, Luke .
Everything was a blurry wreck. There were people surrounding him, pulling him towards the locker room. Jace tried to shrug them off and was unsuccessful. There was a hissing murmur of voices and Jace could make out none of the words.
“You’re done, son. Go shower. We’ll talk after the game,” Coach Dustin’s voice rang in his ears.
Fuck that , Jace thought. The coaches must’ve gathered everyone else into a huddle to debrief because he could hear the cheers as they went back onto the ice a few minutes later. Jace threw his gear at his locker. He couldn’t believe he was missing the game because of Aemond fucking Targaryen.
Leaving his stuff in a pile, he stormed to the showers. Jace cranked up the temperature until he could hardly stand it. The water tasted like ocean to him. Cleaning up as quickly as he could Jace grabbed his towel and went back to his locker. Where could he go? There was no way he was staying here. Checking the time on his phone, he saw a text from Cregan.
Cregan: you can go to the house to cool off if you want
Jace was pissed that he was now in another situation that needed to be handled, but he would take the out regardless. If he stayed in the same building as Aemond for one more moment he was going to be sick. Throwing his clothes on, he walked out to the lobby. Thankfully, most of the spectators were in the stands, but he tugged his hood over his face as he walked by a group of students. The hockey house was on the same street and Jace knew the code by now so he let himself in.
It felt weird being in the vacant house. Usually when Jace was there it was packed with people for a party. Even in the times he had snuck in during the dead of night, there had always been the presence of his slumbering teammates. The silence which filled the house now was the kind that came with emptiness. Jace was rethinking his choice to leave the rink, but there was no way he could go back and his dorm felt impossibly far away.
He sat down on the bed and then stood and began pacing the room. Adrenaline was still pumping in his veins from the game, from the fight, from all of it. He was missing quarterfinals, which stung, but what was that compared to Aemond’s confession. That night had haunted him for months. Since winter break he had known Aegon's involvement, but not Aemond’s.
What kind of person leaves their brother seeking help from their tormentor? And to think that Luke left for rehab the next day... Jace could’ve said goodbye, figured out what was wrong, done something!
This whole time he had been putting the fault on Aemond, but he had been there for Luke in a moment where Jace had failed. The sting of that acknowledgement burned through Jace.
I should’ve had Aemond take the girls. I should’ve known Luke wouldn’t have wanted to leave Arrax behind, what was I thinking?
It didn’t matter what Jace did, he would be a failure. He would never be able to take what he didn’t do. He wanted freedom from this purgatory, but he knew he didn’t deserve it. He wanted revenge against Aemond, but now he was worried Aemond didn’t deserve that either. There was no one left to blame but himself.
The door opened slowly, Cregan stepping into the room. How long had Jace been lost in his thoughts.
“Everyone’s out for dinner,” Cregan said. “Celebrating.”
Jace nodded. He couldn’t find it within himself to be happy, but at least his outburst hadn’t cost the team a win.
“Woods helped me convince Alyn to let me check on you instead of him,” Cregan added. He sat on the bed and Jace followed suit. “The coaches want to talk to you, but they said it could wait.”
Jace nodded, resting his elbows on his knees and staring at the floor.
“Do you need anything?” Cregan asked after a moment.
“Do I need anything? After I completely abandoned you guys back there?”
“Hey, no one’s pissed. Everyone assumed there’s a lot more going on than we know, but we got your back.”
Jace scoffed. “Yeah, whatever.”
“C’mon. What can we do to help?” Cregan prodded again.
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, we want to help. Tell me what I can do.”
“What?”
“What do you mean ‘what?’” Cregan said exasperated
“Why are you asking me that?” Jace said. “Why do you keep thinking I’m some depressed, damaged-”
“Seven hells! Stop it!” Cregan shouted. It had been ages since they had last fought, but if Cregan wanted a fight, he was getting one. Jace bristled with rage, letting every horrible thought build up inside him until he opened his mouth to speak but Cregan interrupted him before he began, dropping his voice. “ I don’t know what to say, Jace. Help me by telling me what you need. Or if you don’t need anything, you can just be here with me. Please, just don’t leave”
Jace was shocked. He felt trapped, no longer comforted by the room he had sought out all week.
“I don’t have anything to say” he mumbled. Cregan nodded, standing and walking over to the one window before turning around.
“So I shouldn’t waste my time,” Cregan said.
“No, you shouldn’t.”
Cregan ran a hand over his face. “I wasn’t being serious.”
“Well then what is this! What are you doing? Figure it out now or later, I don’t care. I’ll see you around.”
Jace got up to leave but Cregan jumped out and grabbed his hand, not his wrist or his arm, but his hand. His hand was callused and rough. Northerner , Jace thought stupidly. Cregan’s touch was warm though, and kind.
“I care. I want you to know I care.” Cregan said. It was too considerate. Jace didn’t deserve it, after the stunt he had just pulled, after everything before that. Anger filled in where Jace blocked out Cregan’s empathy.
“Okay! Okay! You care! I get it! I’ll remember that when I need talking down or my family decides to permanently fuck up my life again! I’ll remember I have a captain who cares about me and I’ll sit down with you for a heart to heart!”
“What the- don’t act like that isn’t what this is for you! I see that clearly now!”
“For me! What, is this a one-man exchange?”
“No! That’s what I’m trying to say! Jace, we were friends first.”
Barely , Jace thinks, but for once keeps his mouth shut. Cregan looks down at their hands, loosening his grip but not letting go. His jaw worked as he collected his thoughts.
“I only stay here when you come over”
“What?” Jace asked, in disbelief. He pulled back like he had been struck, his hand slipping out of Cregan’s grasp.
“For the most part, I mean, not always,” Cregan backtracked.
“What?” Jace asked again, louder, as it started to sink in more. Cregan had a life outside of school. Gods, he has a family! What am I doing, fucking up his life like this?
“I care about you, not just as your captain, or your friend, or whatever. I care about you, I guess more than you care about-“
Jace cut him off. “Never put me above your family,” Jahece said harshly. “Ever.”
“Jace, I’m trying to tell you-“
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“I have to go”
“Let me drive you”
“Go home Cregan, to your actual home”
Jace bolted from the room, taking the stairs two at a time.
“Jace!” Cregan shouted. Jace could hear him chasing after him. Outside, he called out again.
“Before all of this, you said you didn’t care about my situation!” There was desperation in his voice. Jace turned to face him, halting his steps just for a moment.
“I don’t care.” Jace said. “I don’t care so, you know, that’s it.”
Then he really left and Cregan didn’t follow him.
Good.
~
Jace didn’t stop walking, he kept going past his dorm, past the dining hall and up into the forest. There were walking trails, damp from last night's rain and scattered with fallen leaves from the past autumn. It was like a time capsule, the dead brown leaves flat and fragile from their hibernation under the snow, but not yet decomposed. The trail wound deeper and deeper, the evergreens getting thicker amongst the naked branches of oaks and maples.
It was cool and damp in the woods, Jace could smell the mud that squelched under his shoes. He was suddenly exhausted, his steps slowed, his arms felt heavy. Sleep could’ve found him right then, standing alone and unfeeling amongst the trees. Jace felt he could be one of them, stoic and unmoveable. Perhaps he had been for years.
Pressing as hand against a lichen covered pine, he let the bark press indents into his palm, breathing in and out.When Jace first came to Winterfell he thought being landlocked might feel suffocating, but somehow the mountains and forests had made up for it. The ocean was always changing, moving, and volatile. The forest had a practiced calm, a brittle strength.
Luke couldn’t have existed without the ocean, Jace thought, but he wouldn’t have died without it. Jace collapsed forward, gripping the tree to hold him up, a sudden sob wracked his body. He knelt in the dirt and pine needles, shaking with grief but unable to make a sound
When will I stop feeling this way, Jace wanted to shout. He was tired of this tunnel of sorrow burrowing into him. It wasn’t… productive . That’s what Cregan had told Jace the night they had laid in his dorm bed, that his thinking was no longer ‘productive’ so he had to stop. As if it was that simple.
The thought of the older man made Jace angry. He grabbed a handful of the muck around him and flung it as far as he could. It was cold and wet, the feeling helped bring Jace back down to earth. The wet earth was sinking through the knees of his pants as well, staining them brown.
Jace’s head began to pound. The sun was sinking into the sky. How long had it been? His phone was dead so he couldn’t check the time. Jace staggered to his feet, his legs half asleep. Walking back the way he came, he thought of what would happen if he was lost. I wish I was , echoed in his mind.