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It felt like Akashi saw Kuroko for the first time all over again.
Like, properly saw him. Not just catching the sight of him out of habit, no. He actually saw him from far away, without a struggle. It didn't seem that kuroko was hiding in the shadows of his weak presence anymore. It made him wonder how many things had changed while he had been gone.
Akashi took a sharp breath before sighing softly. For the past five years, he had not set one foot in Tokyo, and he was finally back in his motherland after 3 years abroad. His university career had been carefully prepared by his father and Akashi had known he wouldn't be able to find a solution to escape it in time. Hence, he found himself being registered for a double bachelor in International Business between Japan and China followed by a master in London. He hadn't had a choice, his father had refused considering any other university, and Akashi had wordlessly nodded, abruptly leaving for China for his first semester. In five years, he barely got time to sleep. That curriculum was terrifyingly demanding and it was not like his father had cared. As long as the results were perfect, no words from the older man were heard.
Akashi liked to think of himself as a level-headed person (especially after he started seeking for professional help for his dissociative identity disorder) but those 5 years had brought him to question many things in his life. He had believed he was ready to face such a challenge despite not really wanting to leave the land he had always known. He had expected to be more than able to do it, he just had not expected to feel so homesick while being away. Maybe he had never quite felt at home after the death of his mother, yet at least, Japan had a sense of familiarity that he never found elsewhere.
It honestly hurt him to be sent somewhere in the world, without any landmark, just for some degrees (his father would probably reprimand him for thinking like that. Those weren't just "some degrees", those were the most prestigious ones he could get but Akashi didn't really care at this point, he just went through it anyway). If he had to be honest, the program in itself hadn't been extremely hard for him. He was still the best in his classes, but it had been the accumulation of responsibilities and his time consuming schedule that had been a real source of anxiety.
Akashi had not managed to stand against his father's decision and that had maybe been what he had truly despised about himself. It wasn't like he had not thought about it before, especially when his father had handed him his acceptation letter for London.
Akashi could remember catching his breath, anxiety rising as he had understood that he was to be leaving in a few days. He had naively believed that after his three years of bachelor, his father would let him register for a master in Japan, and maybe attend some online classes in private international schools to prove him that he wasn't doing the bare minimum. Akashi had seen the moment his father had actually considered his words before silently giving him his admission letter, letting his son know that he wouldn't be coming back on his original decision : Seijurou would be leaving for London. His son was way too sentimental about staying in Japan and he had not liked that. He needed to see that there was more that the world could offer him.
And Akashi could only agree on that part. Japan was ridiculously small compared to the rest of the world. However, he didn't believe London was any bigger. If anything, it felt much smaller, giving him a sense of suffocation at the mere idea of staying there for one full semester.
And Akashi could clearly read on the letter that the four semesters were to be done in London. Not remotely, not from anywhere else in the world. He had to live there for two years.
He had felt so angry at himself for not being more stubborn against his father that he had shut himself down and had stayed away from his closest friends.
Because if Akashi had surprisingly tried his best to stay in contact with his friends during his bachelor's degree, it definitely changed during his master.
He once found solace in the small messages Midorima would send him every once and then, the short video calls that Hayama would schedule with Mibuchi, and...
And Kuroko's letters that used to follow him wherever he went. The sight of the grayish paper always made Akashi smile softly. It wasn't much. Those were just letters, but somehow, it felt like it was something that kept Akashi tied to the other young man. As if he was part of his everyday life. He had always tried his best to answer as quickly as he could without forgetting to answer any of Kuroko's questions, until he went to London and did not feel like he could admit to his friend that he had not been able to deny his father.
Again.
Maybe he wouldn't have felt that awful about his situation had they not talked about it and had Kuroko not made him admit that he couldn't take those expectations anymore, that he wanted to choose for himself too, that he wanted to stay in Japan for his master's degree.
So he certainly didn't want to admit that he would not be coming back for the next two years, even more after Akashi wrote in his lattest letter that he would like to room with Kuroko if they were to choose the same university in Tokyo for their Masters.
He didn't quite feel ashamed, but maybe regrets lingered in his mind every time he thought about the number of different scenarios they both went through together. Kuroko had called him after he had received his letter, asking him if he was serious about being roomates, and Akashi had smiled knowingly. Sometimes, Kuroko seemed to still have trouble realizing that they were indeed friends, that Akashi wasn't some kind of superior being who he couldn't be friend with (granted his dissociative disorder had not helped considering that his other personality had basically been claiming to be an emperor but still). It was ridiculous, but Akashi had been set on destroying that image he had created for himself, even though he definitely didn't want to look like a fool in front of Kuroko. He had to remain perfect, but in a more approachable way. He knew it sounded contradictory but he couldn't help it. He wanted to be closer to his friend but he did want to remain cool in the other's eyes.
Still, even if the other young man seemed to have trouble to consider the two of them close friends, his undying support had motivated Akashi to face his father and to actually argue for what he wanted. He couldn't just throw everything away, but maybe there was a way to find a compromise (he had quickly realized, however, that his father wouldn't give him that). Hence, maybe that had been one of the reason that he had stopped replying to his very scarce e-mails and even rarer calls, not giving Kuroko his new address to make sure no letter would come into his new "home". Out of guilt maybe, he started treating everyone the same. If he refused contacting Kuroko, he couldn't continue talking to everybody, otherwise he knew that his ex-teammate would take it personally.
Which wasn't the case, or at least, not in the way Kuroko would have thought of it, but it was starting to get personal at some levels. (Akashi wondered if he, himself, was ready to consider what it meant, though.)
However, now that he was back in Japan, and that he was here to stay, he already saw Midorima in Tokyo. He had not really been meaning to but they ran into each other and ended up catching up around a cup of tea in a café. Somehow, Momoi must have known because he received a call from the young woman to invite him for dinner with Aomine and Kise. The three of them had apparently gone to the same university and had been living together for a while. It had felt nostalgic in a way until Momoi had asked a question he had not realized he had been dreading.
"Did you tell Tetsu-kun that you were back?"
No, he had not. And he didn't know how he could without making it weird. How could he just simply come back after cutting him from his life so abruptly ? Midorima made a few remarks about it. He didn't really seem to be holding any grudge but he let Akashi understand that he had been worried (although that was definitely not the way Midorima had worded it). Momoi and Kise yelled a bit at first, how could he just stop updating them? Did he not care at all? Weren't they friends? (Maybe, for a second, he wondered if that had been what crossed Kuroko's mind. If he had thought that it was maybe for the best, that Akashi had never belonged with them... He sure hoped those thoughts never went through Tetsuya's brain). Aomine didn't say much but Akashi had felt the distance at first during dinner. It became less tense while eating, but it was here.
Akashi did leave Japan without a word, after all.
Murasakibara just sent a message, welcoming him back and telling him to visit one day. Akashi had smiled, appreciating his friend for his bluntness and the fact that he did not seem to want any explanation. Maybe he just understood why Akashi did it (it would explain the text he received next "Kuro-chin will be sad if you don't tell him though, tell him why you left, he'll forgive you, you know it").
And yet, he had not been able to call Kuroko, let alone to send a single message. Embarassement ? Maybe. Akashi had never quite succeeded in understanding what transpired between himself and Kuroko. Friendship for once, but he wasn't sure if that was all. (He questioned the slight acceleration of his heart each time he read Kuroko's letters again and again once he was in London. Maybe he should have simply started with the beginning to decide what it was that he felt.) They used to be close at some points. High school had been nice. After Seirin's win at the winter cup, both teens had been occupied with texting each other, meeting up when it was possible, and just sharing little stories about each other's lives. Akashi had liked it, he had greatly enjoyed the quiet but warm presence of Kuroko Tetsuya in his life. He had even gone back to calling him "Tetsuya" despite not switching between his personalities. Nothing had happened between them but every lingering touches and unsaid words had, to a certain extent, bothered him. Not the fact that it happened, but rather the fact that he couldn't quite grasp why he was so fond of it.
Yet, somehow, Akashi had, at that time, tried not to linger on it, preferring to enjoy this new found proximity with his friend rather than to question what they were and what he was feeling. It wasn't like he thought that he had that privilege anyway. He had kind of known that his father had something planned for him regarding his university career. Hence, he had decided to just live the happy moments, and let them be.
He might not have a future there, by their side, so why bother ?
Now, though, he kind of regretted it. Maybe Akashi should have bothered with those feelings before discarding them so easily as if Kuroko would always be in his life without him actively trying to keep him in it. He might have been a constant in his life ever since they met in Teiko, but it didn't seem like it was still true for some reasons. And it had never been clearer to Akashi after hearing children yelling "Kuroko-sensei!"
Akashi breathlessly let a small chuckle escape his lips.
Of course.
Of course Kuroko would become a teacher. He had once mentioned that he liked children and that, even though he didn't truly know what he wanted to do in his life, he wouldn't mind getting into children's care (Akashi remembered that day clearly because it had been one of the rare moments when Kuroko had shared something very personal about his family. He had quietly admitted that since his parents had been quite neglectful and never present in his life, his will to care for children might be coming from his own frustration about not having been properly cared for as a child. Akashi remembered blinking a few times before he had registered what Kuroko's words meant and noticed the slight furrow of his brown and the carefully concealed hurt that seemed to have left scars on his soul. Akashi had been surprised by such a raw admission but somehow, he could relate quite deeply to that. Though, he was more terrified to become like his father in the future, so he'd rather avoid children than to try and make up for what he had lacked as one. "Does that make me selfish?" "I don't think it does, Akashi-kun. Though, I don't think you could ever be terrible to a child. You're nothing but kind in my opinion, even if you don't seem to notice it.")
Akashi stood motionless behind the school gate watching Kuroko being solicited from every side, children running around him as if he held the solution to every single problem they could have. They seemed to be gravitating toward their teacher and Akashi was as entranced by him as the rest of his young students. His eyes suddenly took him in fully, detailing him from head to toes. Kuroko was wearing a simple white shirt with embroidered flowers on the front pocket with a long white beige cardigan. His pants were plain black, but they fit him nicely. It made him look professional and a bit older than he used to.
Akashi couldn't help but smile as he thought that Kuroko looked really good. That fit made him stand out, and with a haircut longer than he used to have in highschool, he looked like the protagonist of a romance story. Akashi couldn't blame the young girls and boys for trying to get the attention of their teacher. He did look like a prince, and Akashi was surprised. Because if he had to choose one word to describe Kuroko (and he knew all their friends would easily agree), it was that Kuroko had always been pretty.
A pretty face, a pretty silhouette, a pretty voice, pretty eyes with a pretty smile.
That Kuroko however, the one he had in front of his eyes, was charming, handsome. Definitely not just a pretty boy anymore, but a handsome man, and it stirred some contradictory feelings into Akashi. He felt the urge to make his presence known and to talk with him but at the same time, it made him wonder if it wouldn't be better to stay away. Because what could he tell him, for real ? He was still in the same situation : he left without a word and without giving him any way to contact him. Kuroko looked a lot happier, a lot more confident in himself than he used to, so why should he break this peace ? Who was he to disturb him ? Besides, he could easily imagine the other man ignoring him or looking disappointed when spotting him. Could Akashi really go through that kind of reaction coming from Tet--Kuroko ?
He didn't think he was quite ready to face any of the possible scenarios he imagined. But he definitely wasn't quite ready to face Kuroko when their eyes met.
Kuroko's head had shot up, as if suddenly aware that he was being watched and his eyes directly found the culprit. Akashi instantly recognized the surprised that crossed the blue iris that were now watching him. His warm smile had faded for a slightly opened mouth, as if ready to say something but hesitating to actually speak out.
Akashi was ready to leave until he clearly read his name on the other's lips and the red haired man didn't know if he wanted to flee or to get closer.
He didn't quite get the time to make up his mind though, because Kuroko was already walking in his direction and all Alashi could hear in his mind was "move, leave, do something, anything but please don't stay there". Nonetheless, his feet refused to obey. He stayed motionless even when his old friend stopped in front of him, watching him doubtful. Akashi was waiting for Kuroko to do the first move and it seemed to surprise the young teacher.
"Akashi-kun." He sounded breathless, as if he couldn't quite believe Akashi was in front of him and the latter couldn't blame him. He had not given him any hint that he was back.
"Kuroko-kun," his lips stretched into a thin, pained smile, "I... You look happy." He probably sounded stupid. It had been 2 years they had not talked to each other and the first thing he told him was that he looked happy ? Wait, he had to do something better, he was Akashi Seijurou for fuck sakes "I mean, I didn't think I would run into you but it seems that it's all I've been doing, running into the generation of-"
"I've missed you."
Well. That was straight to the point, classic Kuroko.
Akashi's eyes still widened ever so slightly, almost unsure if he heard him well but the man in front of him didn't seem to be embarassed about what he said or by the bluntness of his words. He had merely spoken what he thought, and he did not look like he was regretting it.
"Did you just come back ?" The question was loaded, he knew it. But Akashi refused to lie. Maybe he was nervous and had started ranting to avoid facing his own fears, but he wouldn't step so low as to blatantly lie.
"It's been a few weeks already." Kuroko nodded at his words, looking pensive. Akashi's eyes kept on dropping onto his lips and he tried his very best to remain focussed on his eyes.
"I see. And you ran into the others already." It wasn't a question but Akashi answered nonetheless.
"Yes." He wasn't nervous (he totally was), but it seemed like he couldn't stop fidgeting with his fingers. Though, Kuroko's next words froze his whole body.
"Did you want to avoid me, then?" Did he ? No. He hadn't wanted to. He thought it would be better, safer this way.
"I did want to see you. I just didn't think I could just swing back into your life after disappearing so abruptly." And it was the truth. It felt a lot easier to admit it so simply. He had wanted to see Kuroko. Even in London, he had wanted to talk with him, to call him and to continue their warm exchanges. He had merely believed that he was a bit too late to act on it.
"But it was fine with the others. Why didn't you just come and explain ?" For some reasons, it didn't feel accusatory. Akashi rather felt like Kuroko was giving him a hand to speak up his mind without overthinking too much.
"I felt conflicted. I didn't think it would be fair of me to come back, apologize and hope for you to forgive me even if I'd really like you to, that would be a bit selfish of me." Kuroko smiled softly at that and Akashi wondered what could have provoked such a reaction.
"Akashi-kun is an idiot, Midorima-kun and Takao-kun were right in the end." Akashi's eyes twitched for a second. What did Midorima and Takao say ?
"Why would you say that?"
"Isn't that my choice to make ? You took that decision away from me by deciding that you didn't deserve my forgiveness. What if I just wanted to know if you were alright ? I knew you didn't want to leave. I knew you weren't happy about your father's plans, but somehow you decided that I couldn't support you anymore. For what reason, I ignore it, but you just decided for me. If anything, that's the most selfish thing you did to me, Akashi-kun. I thought you were the one to emphasize on the fact that we were friends and that you weren't any different from me." His smile did not disappear and Akashi almost wanted to shake him up.
"Exactly. I've been selfish, I shouldn't be asking for forgiveness." Kuroko laughed at that and Akashi was torn between the surprise he felt to see Kuroko laughing so easily or his rising annoyance for being laughed at.
"I want you to, though. Will you grant that selfish wish of mine ?" He wanted him to what ? Ask for his forgiveness?
"I don't understand. Are you not feeling any displeasure toward me ? We were... Close. And I suddenly stopped contacting you."
"Did you do that to hurt me ?" And maybe Akashi had never been so quick to deny him.
"No. No, I was..." He was indecisive, and he hated it. Akashi never liked to sound so unsure of what he wanted to say, "I was angry at myself for letting my father have his way with my life." And once again Akashi wondered why the truth was almost easy to admit.
"So you were hurting, you cut us out because you didn't want us to see you that way. Which is ridiculous because we wouldn't think any less of you, Akashi-kun. But I can forgive that." A small smile creeped on Kuroko's lips under Akashi's incredulous gaze.
"Just like that ?"
"Did you want to go through a trial, or something like that ?" Akashi almost chuckled but he had to make sure this was real, that Kuroko's words were real.
"No, but I didn't think it would be so... Easy. It doesn't feel fair for you." Kuroko sighed before suddenly moving toward the schoolgate, opening the door to gently wrap his hand around Akashi's slender wrist and pulling him inside.
"Of course I was hurt that you'd suddenly disappear like that, but I also know you better than that. I think you'll make it up to me more than needed. But would you like to start making it up to me, Akashi-kun ?" Akashi would have laughed had he not been so enchanted by Kuroko's soft expression. Since when was Kuroko so effortlessly charming ? He had always been soft and likeable in his opinion. But he had never looked so desirable before. Akashi wondered how long it would take him before he kissed him senseless.
Maybe longer than he expected, out of guilt.
"Everyone ! We have a special guest for our last class. He visited many countries to study. Are you interested in hearing what he has to tell you ?" Ah, of course, it wouldn't be that easy. Kuroko would use every possible situation to put Akashi in discomfort just to see his reaction. Though, he wasn't expecting to be put in the middle of a primary school without any prior notice.
"Wait, Tetsuya, what I am supposed to tell them ?" He barely noticed his slip, the easy way he fell back into calling the young man by his given name but it didn't seem that Kuroko was annoyed. Quite the opposite actually, he looked pleased to see the almighty Akashi Seijurou being put into such an uncomfortable situation that he slipped with his name.
"Well, I don't know, I wasn't the one who travelled all the way to Beijing and to London to study." He chuckled and Akashi glared a bit. "Hey, don't worry. Just tell them about what it was like to study abroad. Give them your best arguments to motivate them to go and see the world." His eyes shone with mischief and Akashi didn't know if he should just be glad that Kuroko was handling it that way, or if he should worry about what was awaiting him.
"What if they have someone they care about that they need to leave behind when the time arises, though ?" Maybe he shouldn't try his luck. Kuroko was already nice enough to let him into his life again. Should he really ask that kind of questions ?
"Well, maybe the person they care about also cares about them and will be ready to wait for them to come back, you never know. Sometimes, you just have to trust the people you care about. Communication is important, though." Akashi's heart pounded as he heard those words and he wondered if Kuroko could feel the quick pulse on his wrist. It was irrational but he was tempted to snatch his wrist from Kuroko's grasp. However, it was the latter who moved first, sliding his hand in Akashi's one, intertwining their fingers and giving a quick pressure, as if to assure him that everything was alright.
And maybe Akashi believed him for a second.
"They must really care for that person if they're ready to wait for so long without knowing what goes into the other's mind."
"They do, more than the other could ever fathom." Kuroko suddenly turned his back to him, ushering the children to get back inside and Akashi noticed a slight blush on his cheeks. Was it because of what he just said or was the temperature getting too high for his dressing choice ?
The kids were unsurprisingly very attentive to Kuroko's words. They all quickly ran into the building to reach their class, but one girl watched Akashi curiously even if she was walking in the direction of her classroom. Kuroko got closer to her and directed her gently toward the building.
"Kuroko-sensei, you said he is a guest ?" She tilted her head curiously and Kuroko chuckled soundlessly.
"Yes, he's a dear friend of mine, so welcome him nicely, will you Ayaka-chan ?" She pouted, as if disappointed by Kuroko's answer.
"Don't fall in love, Kuroko-sensei. I know he looks handsome but you have to marry me one day !" Kuroko laughed quietly, surprised by the young girl's insight.
"Ah, I'm sorry Ayaka-chan but that won't be possible because I have a secret," and Akashi silently watched as Kuroko kneeled, pulling his face close to her ear and putting a hand in front of his mouth to prevent him from reading his lips. The scene was cute and Akashi was just too baffled by everything to react properly. The young girl put her hands in front of her own mouth, eyes widening and pinky promising to never tell a soul what her teacher secret was. She ran into her class and Kuroko turned back to Akashi, signaling to the other man to come with him with a smile stretched on his lips. It seemed that Kuroko never stopped smiling now.
"What did you tell her ?" He asked curiously.
"That you were my first love." Akashi's eyes widened at Kuroko's blunt words. He stopped moving, watching the other man walk toward the door of the classroom before he shook himself awake and ran to catch his wrist, preventing him from entering his class without a proper explanation. Though, he couldn't find the words once Kuroko's eyes met his, waiting for him to finally tell him what he had on his mind.
"Akashi-kun ?" The latter felt some sort of panic rising inside him and he wondered where did this sense of urgency come from. However, he refused to let Kuroko's quiet confession go to waste, he had to use this opportunity to share his feelings.
And for a second, Akashi forgot about the guilt, about the reason for his silence, about his fears and disappointment in himself. He forgot about everything that held him back from the one he desired and he let his lips softly press on Kuroko's one for less than a second. The other man didn't even have time to do anything that Akashi had already moved away, staying close nonetheless, but not close enough to touch his lips again.
"I apologize. For not replying to your letters, for refusing your calls, for leaving your mails unanswered and for never giving you any news. I had truly wanted to move in with you after my bachelor. I wanted to be closer to you, to get to know you more intimately, to wake up in the same apartment as you, to make you fall for me if possible. I failed to consider that my father would somehow catch up on my affections for you and that he would do something about it. I'm sure that even if I had not been feeling that way for you, he would have still sent me away, but that information just reinforced his will to make me leave Japan for at least two years." Kuroko wanted to stop him for the sole reason that Akashi had not breathed in the middle of that rant, he looked panicked and in a hurry, as if worried Kuroko wouldn't listen until the end, "and I know I hurt you. I was eating my own guilt in London because I felt like I failed you after the number of conversations we had about how I could try to avoid my father's control and yet, I merely gritted my teeth, nodded and ran with it. I remained exactly what he wanted me to be. Perfect scores, I got them, every single registerable classes were to be taken, I had estimates for the business of my father to work on and my university's responsabilities to handle. I felt like I couldn't do it, that I had not only failed you but failed myself and even when I got my diploma with perfects grades, it did not feel good. I didn't feel proud, I just did it for my father to get off my back and hopefully be able to stay in Tokyo or Kyoto for the next few years. And I didn't even think about the what-ifs once I'd be home. I considered meeting you and telling you everything but every single time I chickened out, I was fucking scared of your reaction because I'd rather know I've disappointed you than to see it for myself and at the same time I think that deep down I knew you'd forgive me easily and I didn't want that. I don't know why but I thought it was only legitimate for me to suffer for what I made you go through and the most efficient way to do it was to stay away from you but I truly hope that one day, you'll forgive me." Akashi felt himself run out of breath and panted after his last sentence, watching Kuroko's wide eyes gazing at him with worry.
"Are you alright ?"
"I'm sorry I didn't realize I had to get that out of my chest."
"I saw that," Kuroko snorted, eyes softening as he watched Akashi regain his stature, cursing lightly for losing control, "I accept your apology. And I'm not disappointed in you. You were the one alone far away. You shouldn't have thought about disappointing me. I hope the two years in London were still kind to you." Akashi's forehead dropped on Kuroko's shoulder as the latter gently spoke. It was funny how a month ago, Kuroko was furious, thinking he had been discarded unfairly by the red-head, but at the same time he had been worried. Worried because he had known that Akashi's mental health was still fragile. He was vulnerable, so to be sent like that in the other side of the world without a means to contact him, Kuroko had been worried. But now, facing him like that, Kuroko didn't feel annoyed any longer. Sure, the hurt didn't disappear, but he understood. They were friends before, and they still were.
"It wasn't nice, but I made it."
"I'm glad you did." Kuroko's hand ran into his locks, gently tucking Akashi's head against his neck, enjoying the moment. He knew that he needed to go back to his class and besides, it wasn't really professional of him to let his own feelings hinder his work, so he had to move away. He knew he did even if he didn't move.
"Next time though, please take me on a date before kissing me." Maybe it was what broke Akashi's worries.
Because he started laughing against Kuroko's shoulder. Raising his head to meet his eyes, Akashi's smile was definitely warm and Kuroko couldn't help but think that he looked a lot more like himself like that.
"What are your plans tonight ?"
Yeah. Akashi was back in his life, and he was there to stay.