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God bestowed all Angels (and consequently, all Demons) with the knowledge of all languages. The idea was that, no matter who they spoke to, Angels and Demons would be able to understand. Of course, everyone had assumed that meant something like, ‘if you’re talking to a goat, you’ll understand them the same way you would a human’. God did not reveal what They predicted for human nature. They said nothing at all about how the reason humans were so special was because they changed.
Language was simple in the time of Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve spoke a version of the inherent language of Heaven—theirs being a different version because, technically, the language of God could not be spoken, heard, or comprehended in the physical realm—and the animals used only practical sounds. This is the first instance of how Crowley messed up language.
Crowley, being deemed the form of a snake (1), thought that exclusively hissing and pheromones was a very limiting form of communication. Obviously, that wouldn’t do. So when Crowley talked to Eve (who was harder to crack than they presumed; Crowley had to have extensive conversation with Eve to even begin to sway her), they used some extra words. They spoke only in snake-dialect, but, since there were no dialects other than God’s, Eve caught onto the new words quickly.
This is how new languages were formed. When Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden, they spread Crowley’s made-up words. From then on, cultures divided over who knew which words and how people pronounced different letters. Humanity began to invent new words. Crowley realized about five hundred years after the Garden of Eden, when the surmounting knowledge of languages began to cramp their head, that they had given humanity the power of invention. That was the biggest mistake Crowley had ever made.
Crowley didn’t have a hard time keeping up with language. Minus the occasional headache when a synonym was created, they were mostly fine. Their Angelic friend, on the other hand, found the rapidly-growing vernaculars overwhelming. You see, when God gave Angels the understanding of all language, They did not also give Angels the understanding of all written language. For every book Aziraphale wanted to read, he had to manually learn the language it was written in. In later times, when Crowley saw all the different texts Aziraphale owned, they thought he was a total try-hard (2).
Unfortunately for Aziraphale, Crowley was drunk one day and not particularly happy with him. Because of this, Crowley began to cram as many syllables together as they could and call the abominations words. This happened several times over the eons.
In the age of Middle English, Crowley’s creativity resulted in words like ‘aspīen’ (3) and ‘bice’ (4). Once the nineteenth century came along, Crowley made up the words ‘strumpet’ (5) and ‘blazes’ (6). Crowley is also responsible for ‘cruisin’ for a bruisin’’ (and is also the reason the phrase appeared on a Pink Floyd song) and the slang terms ‘bogus’ and ‘totally tubular’.
Contrary to popular belief, though, Crowley was not responsible for most slurs. Yes, they had invented some, but those had been by accident. For example, the F slur. That was completely their fault.
In the seventies, Crowley had been in England, because that was where all the shitty rock bands were. One evening, he (7) was at a Joy Division concert. Via some misinformation and peer pressuring, Crowley had managed to drag Aziraphale along. Thirty minutes into the set, Aziraphale said that Joy Division was ‘just noise’ and ‘unpleasant to the ears’ and left (which was practically a criminal offense in Crowley’s eyes). Then the band began playing Love Will Tear Us Apart. That was the only moment in his life that Crowley hated Ian Curtis.
Crowley, being pissed off and overall stressed out beyond reason, had accidentally caught on fire at that concert. The nearby people jumped away from him, forming a pit. One dude started moshing in the pit, alone except for the smoking Crowley. Crowley performed a miracle to make sure the guy got home safe. Other than that random dude, though, people were freaked out by Crowley and the fact that he was on fire.
“What’s wrong with him?” said one man in a strong Scottish accent.
“Oi, don’t be an ass,” the Scot’s friend said (who was also Scottish). “His boyfriend’s just left him. Poor lad.”
“Aye,” said a third Scot.
“Well, he is on fire,” said Scot #1. “I didn’t do that when me Susie left.”
“Now you’re bein’ a real ass!” Scot #2 said. “Don’t you get it? Gays are different. Maybe they just catch on fire when they’re upset. Who knows what the hell’s up with ‘em?”
“Aye,” said Scot #3.
“But shouldn’t we be worried? The guy looks like a fag,” Scot #1 said. For the readers who don’t know, ‘fag’ is a British slang term meaning ‘cigarette’. At the moment, Crowley resembled the burning end of a cigarette quite closely.
“Maybe they all look like fags. How would you know?” said Scot #2. Scot #1 cleared his throat.
“Well, lads, I’ve actually been thinkin’ myself gay too.”
Scots #2 and #3 nodded in approval. “Right on, mate,” Scot #2 said.
“Aye,” Scot #3 said.
“So are you all fags or not?” Scot #2 said.
“I s’pose,” Scot #1 said. Scot #3 then threw up all over the floor. Thankfully, there was no one in his way. Scot #2 patted Scot #3 on the back.
“Right then, fag, let’s get this prick home,” Scot #2 said to Scot #1. Crowley glared at the two of them and cursed them to go to Hell. Unfortunately, Crowley had been drinking, so instead of damning them, his curse just made both the Scots gay.
Only some years later did Crowley only figure out the impact that night had. He was walking up the steps to Aziraphale’s bookshop (admittedly, very late at night (8)) when he heard footsteps behind him. He turned to see a group of teenagers, who all wore Chucks that slapped against the ground as they sauntered up to Crowley.
Needless to say, the teens thought that Crowley, who constantly dressed in all black and had red hair, was queer. Crowley didn’t really know what ‘queer’ meant. He assumed it meant someone who wore bright colors; after all, that was what David Bowie did. Therefore, Crowley was rather confused when the teens started calling him gay. He was even more confused when they started calling him a ‘fag’.
“Do you want cigarettes? Is that it?” Crowley said.
The kid at the front, who was clearly the leader of the group, sneered. “The fuck are you on about?”
“Well, you all seem pissy enough to be nic’ addicts. But you’re just so young. Maybe you’re just channeling your mum and dad.”
“Yeah, well, bet your mum and dad kicked your ass to the curb,” the leader said. Crowley frowned.
“How old do you think I am?” he asked. The kids ignored him.
“S’alright, mate,” said a kid standing behind the leader. “His lot basically use homeless camps as hookup bars.”
Crowley suddenly got a sinking feeling. “Wait, wait,” he said. “What do you guys think ‘fag’ means?”
“Pansy,” one kid said.
“Sod,” said another.
“Poof,” the leader said.
Crowley put his hands on his face. He racked his brain for memories of the past decade. Sure enough, he realized he had used all of those words in entirely different contexts recently. “You mean gay, right?” Crowley said. The kids gave him a weird look.
“Yeah…?” said one of them. Crowley groaned. Humanity was awful.
Crowley turned on his heel and swung open the bookshop’s doors. He was going to hang out with Aziraphale and cleanse himself of all this human bullshit with Aziraphale’s annoying pureness. Aziraphale didn’t even know what ‘gay’ meant. That was the kind of attitude Crowley wished humans had.
Behind him, the kids jeered. “You’re going to Hell!” the leader shouted. “And your boyfriend, too!”
“I’ll see you there,” Crowley spat. He slammed the doors behind him.
Aziraphale sat at his desk, giving Crowley a bewildered look. Crowley took off his glasses, tossed them onto the floor, and plopped down onto the sofa.
“Bad night?” Aziraphale said. Crowley nodded and pulled his hat down to cover his face.
“Yep,” he said.