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It had been a stressful mission. Everyone was on edge after the near disaster it had been. Ezra had suffered several scrapes and bruises, and Sabine had nearly been hit by her own explosion, and to top it all off, Kanan had had to go back for Ezra when he'd been surrounded by stormtroopers.
Considering how stressed everyone was, Ezra decided he needed to blow off some steam. He knew just how to do it too. Eyeing his fellow spectres, he picked his target. Okay Kanan, time to play a game. He thought with a smirk. Carefully, he walked behind his master, making like he was tripping and fell against the man.
"Ezra!?" Kanan exclaimed, confused.
"Oh, sorry, Kanan. I guess I lost my footing there for a second." Ezra said, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head. "I'll be more careful." He added, quickening his step as though he was embarrassed. A smirk played on his face, triumphantly holding the lightsaber he'd pick pocketed in his hands. Now we wait. He thought, excited.
He'd played this game many times before, and nobody had ever said anything to him about it, so he didn't think they cared. He and the other loth-rats who wandered the streets of Lothal used to play the game when they were bored. Some would even make contests of it. The game was simple, you picked something from somebody's pocket and waited to see how long it took them to notice it was missing. Then, when they were going crazy looking for the object, you returned it to them. You could do this in any way you choose, though Ezra tended to prefer waiting until they'd begun screaming at some stormtrooper or vendor about the object and then slipping it back into their pockets and watching as the person looked like a lunatic to whoever they were ranting to.
Now, since joining the Ghost, Ezra had stopped doing it to random strangers as much and more often than not did it to the crew. Usually it was after a stressful mission, though sometimes he did it when he was bored. Zeb was his favorite to mess with of course, and while the big Lasat had at first thought it annoying, eventually he'd begun laughing and even trying to challenge Ezra to steal certain things. Chopper of course found the game amusing as well, and would offer to help Ezra, though the boy usually refused. Not because he didn't think Chopper could help, but because it made the game too easy in his mind.
This wasn't the first time he'd chosen Kanan as a target, but unfortunately for Ezra, it happened to be the worst time. As Ezra was heading up the ramp to the Ghost, Kanan roughly grabbed his shoulder. "Hey! What gives?" He cried.
"Give me my saber Ezra." Kanan growled, fury written on his face.
"W-what are you talking about?" Ezra stammered nervously, surprised and a little scared by Kanan's reaction.
"Kid, don't play with me. I know you took it. Now give it back." Kanan snapped, holding his hand out with an arm crossed over his chest.
The others had noticed by now that spectres 1 and 6 were not following them onto the Ghost, and they stopped to watch what was happening.
Ezra tried again to get away with his game, though now it was more a matter of his survival instincts taking over than him actually wanting to continue. He didn't understand why Kanan was so angry, and he was afraid to be caught.
"Seriously Kanan, I don't know what you're taking about." he lied, starting to back away. "If your lightsaber's missing maybe you just dropped it, we should backtrack and see if we can-" he continued, but Kanan cut him off with a growl, his glare sending chills down Ezra's spine.
"Enough Ezra!" Kanan shouted, his voice a low growl. "I'm not in the mood to play your stupid game, now give me my lightsaber." He snapped.
"Okay! Okay! I'm sorry!" Ezra cried, quickly pulling the lightsaber from his pockets and handing the pieces back to Kanan. "It was just a joke. I-I was just trying to blow off some steam. I do this all the time." He explained.
"Oh I noticed. You think I missed it those times my stuff would go missing and magically reappear after I asked you about it?" Kanan hissed. He took a step towards Ezra, a look of fear filling the kid's eyes now. "Or how about that time you pulled it while we were on a job?" He continued, taking another step towards Ezra. "I saw you take that old man's wallet. I watched you watch him panic, and then, you had the audacity to hand it back to him as though you'd found it on the streets. And don't think I missed that reward he gave you."
Ezra remembered that day, and it really hadn't been his fault. Zeb had challenged the kid to show him how good he was at his little game. He picked the target and he told him what to take. Ezra had been stressed about the mission so he'd agreed. When the man had offered him a reward however, he'd turned it down. But Kanan had missed that part. Ezra tried to say as much but Kanan just continued his rant.
"No! Whatever you have to say, I don't wanna hear it!" He snapped. "Not only was it reckless, but if you'd been caught, the whole crew could have suffered! We don't steal things for fun here Ezra." He hissed. By this time, Ezra had backed himself up against one of the crates in the cargo bay, his heart pounding. "You've been with us for months Ezra! Almost a year, and you think you can pull this kind of stunt still? Do you know how selfish that is? Did you ever consider the consequences of your actions?" He growled.
"I...Kanan I-" Ezra started, but again Kanan cut him off.
"I'll answer that for you. No, you didn't!" Kanan hissed. "I'm tired of it Ezra. Sick and tired of your attitude and the way you treat the lives of this crew. You don't get to take those kind of risks for 'fun'." He growled, getting in Ezra's face and poking his finger on the kid's chest, hard. Ezra cringed, turning his face away from Kanan's as his whole body tensed up. "Get your act together kid. Or else." Kanan finished, turning and storming back out of the Ghost.
Ezra's breathing was coming in pants, and he found himself fighting back tears. I don't understand what I did wrong. I thought everyone knew about the game. I thought they were okay with it. He thought as his body trembled. He didn't even register that the others were there until Zeb's hand on his shoulder had him jumping in fear.
"You okay kid?" Zeb asked as Ezra turned to look at him, concern written all over the Lasat's face.
"I'm fine." Ezra lied, tossing the Lasat a fake smile.
"You sure? Kanan was awfully hard on you. I don't think I've seen him so angry before. Without reason." Sabine said as she walked up, her eyes also filled with concern.
"Yeah, I'm good." Ezra lied again.
"You don't look fine to me." Zeb said.
"I'm good, just back off!" Ezra snapped, needing to get away from them. He threw Zeb's hand off his shoulder and raced up the ladder, shutting himself in their shared room and locking the door. He raced over to a corner, curling himself up defensively as he tried to breathe through the tears that had started spilling out.
I don't understand. I don't understand what I did. He thought, his hands tangling in his hair.
You did what you always do. You messed everything up. You couldn't even do your part of the plan properly and Kanan had to go back for you. What a worthless piece of bantha dung. A voice whispered in his head. The voice sounded like his own, and Ezra found himself believing it.
Of course he's mad at me. I messed everything up again. Then I had the gall to try and steal something from him. I'm nothing but a burden. He thought, his body shaking hard as he sat there. They'd all be better off without me. I can't do anything right. What am I even doing here? His mind was racing now, self-deprecating thoughts playing on repeat.
He felt it when Kanan stormed back onto the ship, and suddenly he felt as though the room was too small. There was no place to hide. Kanan was right there, in his own room, fury still pouring out of him. Ezra felt as though even breathing was too much. I just have to go. I have to disappear. I gotta get out of here. He thought.
Suddenly, he jumped up, racing out of the room. Zeb and Sabine were no longer in the cargo bay, both having walked out of the Ghost to avoid Kanan's wrath. Ezra didn't even notice as he passed Chopper, racing out of the Ghost and towards the one place he'd always found safe. His tower.
The feelings hadn't disappeared by the time he reached the tower. If anything they'd only gotten worse, the voices in his head calling him worthless, telling him he deserved to be yelled at. Whispers saying he had no right to cry when he was the one being a burden to everyone else. As he entered the room he once called home, he found a spot underneath a desk, pulling his knees to his chest and burying his head as his hands tangled tightly in his hair, pulling on it painfully.
Worthless.
A burden.
Selfish.
Stupid.
Brat.
Ungrateful.
Unfocused.
Undisciplined.
Useless.
These words echoed in his mind, voices hissing them at him over and over again. Tears poured down his face as he rocked himself back and forth.
Alone in his tower, just like he deserved to be.
Ezra sobbed silently, feeling unworthy of even making a sound.
Kanan was stressed.
The mission had been successful, but it had nearly been at the cost of his padawan. When he'd heard Ezra call for help, he'd been filled with fear, which only multiplied when he saw the stormtroopers surrounding the boy with their blasters raised and ready to fire. It had triggered several unpleasant memories of his past, particularly the moment his master sacrificed herself so he could get away.
He was thinking of all these things when Ezra suddenly stumbled into him, and he felt his fear once again crawling up on him. "Ezra!?" he cried, confused and worried. Is he hurt? Did I miss something? Oh Force, I should never have brought him on this mission. What was i thinking? His mind raced with fears as Ezra slowly righted himself and then looked up at him sheepishly.
"Oh, sorry, Kanan. I guess I lost my footing there for a second." Ezra said, suddenly quickening his steps.
Kanan wouldn't have noticed it, except he felt a spike of nervousness followed by one of pride in his connection to Ezra. He frowned as they started up the ramp of the Ghost, his frustration suddenly rising as he realized Ezra had simply been trying to pickpocket him for that stupid game of his. This kid. I thought he was hurt, and this stupid kid was just trying to play a game with me. After everything that just happened, he's pulling a stunt like this? He thought, his anger rising as he rushed up the ramp, roughly grabbing his padawan's shoulder.
In hindsight, he probably shouldn't have yelled at Ezra. He probably should have just let the kid play his silly little game and talked to him when he had a cooler head. Unfortunately, despite being a Jedi, Kanan was still human. His worry over the kid had mixed with his frustration over this game that Ezra insisted on playing, even though he knew they only steal things from the Empire, and only things that were needed. They don't steal for fun, they don't take unnecessary risks, and they most certainly do not take things from each other. They had a way of life that they'd been living long before Ezra joined them, and if the kid thought he could just continue to act like he was some loth-rat living on his own on the streets he had another thing coming.
All of these frustrations and fears mixed together, and Kanan found himself yelling as Ezra continued to deny that he'd taken the lightsaber. "Enough Ezra!" He shouted, unaware that the crew had stopped to watch this exchange, unaware of the fear radiating from his padawan, unaware of just how scary he would have looked to anyone outside of their little group. "I'm not in the mood to play your stupid game, now give me my lightsaber!" he snapped. I thought you were hurt. I was worried. You stupid kid! His thoughts screamed as Ezra apologized and handed him the saber.
He should have left it at that. Should have walked away and taken time to calm himself like a good Jedi would have. Like any good person should really, because when you're worked up like that it's easy to say things you will regret. Things you don't even mean. But Ezra kept talking, claiming it was a joke and that he was trying to blow off steam. Big mistake.
"Oh I noticed." he hissed, advancing on the boy. He was lost in his frustrations now, and he was blind to the others as he berated Ezra over his game, telling the boy that he was being selfish, that his game was an unnecessary risk, that it was reckless and demanding to know if the kid had even thought about the consequences of his actions. So angry, he didn't even bother to listen to what Ezra was trying to say, didn't care to listen, didn't even notice that the kid had flattened himself against a crate in the cargo bay of the Ghost in fear. "Get your act together. Or else." He growled.
The Force must have been watching over him, because some semblance of sense came to him before he could do anything worse to the already fear-stricken boy, and he turned and stormed out of the Ghost, not even noticing it as Hera followed him. He headed out into the Grassy plains of Lothal, wishing that he was surrounded by trees or rocks or anything that he could destroy, needing a release of his anger. He let out a shout, igniting his saber and swinging it hard, sloppily going into the forms he'd learned from his master before everything he'd known was destroyed. He didn't even notice Hera standing there, watching him as he angrily worked his way through form 3, his mind racing with all the possibilities of how the mission could have ended, of how he could have lost Ezra.
"Kanan, what in the Great Mother's name was that?" Hera hissed at the Jedi, breaking his concentration and causing him to turn his anger onto her.
"Not now Hera." He growled, continuing his forms.
He was hoping she'd just drop it, but unfortunately Hera isn't one to back away simply because she was asked. In fact, she stepped in front of him, and if it wasn't for his training, he would have sliced her right in half, just barely stopping short of her head.
"What the kriff Hera!? I could have killed you!" Kanan cried, deactivating his lighsaber and throwing his hands up in frustration.
"No you couldn't. You have enough self-control to avoid doing that at least, or Ezra wouldn't have been left standing." Hera said, her arms crossed over her chest.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Kanan snapped.
"Did you hear yourself back there? 'Get your act together, or else'?" Hera said, her eyes now filled with a rage that rivaled Kanan's. "Or else? Or else what, Kanan!? Are you gonna throw him off the ship?"
"Maybe I will. If the kid can't get his act together and be part of the team." Kanan hissed. What are you doing? Why would you say that? You don't mean it. A voice in the back of his head screamed.
Hera's eyes went wide at his words, and she bared her fangs at him in anger. "Over my dead body you will." she hissed, and this time Kanan was the one who took a step back, as a very angry Twi'lek got right up in his face. "Kanan, I don't know what's going on with you, but Ezra is family. You don't treat family like that." She was seething with rage, but Kanan refused to back down, glaring at her once more.
"He's family huh? Kid sure doesn't act like it!" he snapped.
"Are you forgetting who saved you from the Inquisitor two months ago?" Hera demanded, and Kanan cringed. "Kanan, seriously, what's gotten into you?" she asked, her voice suddenly turning gentle.
"I just...ah, I don't know!" Kanan cried, turning away from Hera and throwing his hands up in the air, shaking his head. "I was worried about the kid. He almost got killed. Then he fell into me and I thought he might be hurt, but it was all for that stupid game he plays!" he ranted, sighing in frustration as he again recalled how terrified he'd been seeing the troopers surrounding Ezra, how worried it made him when the kid stumbled. "I can't stand it when he does that. He's not on the streets anymore, he can't just steal stuff for fun. Especially from strangers, which he still does!"
"Kanan, he hardly ever does it on the streets anymore. Everyone on the ship knows about his game. I've even seen Zeb challenge him to steal specific things. He even lets Chopper play along at times." Hera said, frowning. "I don't understand why you suddenly have a problem with it."
"I've always had a problem with it." Kanan responded.
"Why?" Hera asked, and Kanan paused.
"i...well I uh -" he started, frowning as he tried to think of what it was that bothered him about the game. It wasn't like Ezra kept the items he took, they were always returned. So why did it bother him so much? "I...I don't know." he admitted finally, rubbing the back of his head.
"Maybe you should take some time and think about it?" Hera suggested.
"Yeah, maybe I should." Kanan said with a sigh.
Hera smiled at him, reaching out and placing a hand on his shoulder. "You do that. When you're done, you should talk to Ezra. I think you really scared him Kanan." she told him before she turned and headed back towards the Ghost.
Kanan watched her leave, sighing as he took a few moments before following her. She was right, he needed time to think.
As he boarded the Ghost, he completely missed the feelings of self-hatred that were radiating from his padawan, having closed himself off from the boy in his anger and not feeling ready to open back up. He headed into his room, locking the door and sitting down in the center of the small room, prepared to meditate. He didn't sense it as his padawan's fear spiked, as the child was filled with a desire to run away, and if he'd connected with the Force a moment sooner, he might have sensed the boy running off, dark thoughts drowning him as he raced away from the ship they called home.
Kanan meditated for three hours. By the time he was finished, his mind was clear and he had his answers. He'd come to realize that this game Ezra plays wasn't what bothered him, but rather that it reminded him that Ezra had had to steal to survive for seven years. Not only that, but that Ezra's childhood had ended up being so similar to his, forced to hide, to steal. He'd been lucky enough to find someone who helped take care of him, but Ezra had been completely alone for seven years.
As he left his room, he decided it was time to apologize to Ezra. He reached out in the Force, hoping to find his apprentice quickly, and found....nothing. Ezra wasn't here. Kanan frowned, quickly heading to Ezra and Zeb's shared room and going to knock on the door to find it opening automatically, no one in the room. He rushed out to their small dining area and found Zeb, Sabine, and Hera all sitting around their small table and chatting quietly. Hera noticed him first, giving him a small smile.
"Hey Kanan, did you find some answers?" she asked him.
"Yeah, I did. Have any of you seen Ezra?" Kanan asked. "I need to talk to him."
"I ain't seen the kid since you practically tore his head off." Zeb grunted out, causing Hera to give him a stern look.
"Zeb!" she said, her tone disapproving.
"He's not exactly wrong Hera. Kanan was pretty tough on the kid. Even had us scared." Sabine said, crossing her arms over her chest and fixing a disapproving glare on Kanan. "It's no wonder he's hiding."
Kanan sighed, his face showing his remorse. "I know, I know I was hard on him. I kriffed up, alright?" he said, shaking his head. "That's why I need to find him. I owe the kid an explanation, and an apology too."
"Wub wub warb wub wub wub." Chopper piped up.
"He left the ship!?" Kanan cried, fear filling him. Oh Force, please don't tell me he's run away. Don't tell me I drove him off forever.
"Easy Kanan, I saw his bag in our room, which means the kid didn't plan on staying gone." Zeb told him, though the lasat's ears were also twitching in concern.
"Why don't you just reach out with the Force? Can't you 'feel' him or something like that?" Sabine asked, and Kanan sighed.
"I can't feel him. He's closed himself off from me. Which means I can't find him that way." Kanan explained.
"I'm sure he'll be back Kanan, why don't you wait and talk to him then?" Hera suggested, but Kanan shook his head.
"This conversation can't wait." he said, sighing as he tried to think of where Ezra might go. Suddenly it hit him, and he rushed out of the ship.
"Where ya goin'?" Zeb called.
"I know where he is. I'm gonna go talk to him." Kanan called back, hopping into one of the speeders the crew had recently 'borrowed' from the Imperials. I hope I'm right about this. Ezra, please be there. He thought as he made his way towards Ezra's tower.
Kanan was nervous as he ascended Ezra's tower, having started to sense the boy, but noticing he was still closed off from their bond, making his presence feel weak. Still it was stronger than before, which Kanan took as a sign that the boy was there.
He knocked on the door before entering the room, looking around and noticing it was completely dark. "Ezra? You here?" he called, frowning as there was no answer. I can feel his presence here more than I did on the ship. He's got to be here. He thought as he looked around once more. He reached out into the Force again, turning when he heard the sound of a sniffle and felt a presence that tried to push him away, a presence that was attempting to shrink in on itself even now.
"Ezra?" he questioned, walking over to the table and crouching down.
The sight that met him broke his heart. Ezra was curled up tightly, his arms wrapped around his legs, hugging them to his chest, trying to make himself as small as he could. Kanan reached out, placing a hand on the boy's shoulder, frowning as the boy flinched away from the touch, feeling it as a weak push from the Force was sent his way, a silent command to leave being issued.
"Ezra, please look at me." Kanan begged softly, guilt filling him as the boy raised his head just enough to show red-rimmed sapphire blue eyes filled with despair. "Oh kid." he whispered, reaching out once more, stopping only when Ezra flinched away from the attempt. "Ezra, I'm not going to hurt you." he promised, frowning as the boy looked away from him. "Ezra, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I shouldn't have said the things I did. I was...frustrated. It scared me when you stumbled into me like that, and I thought you'd been hurt by the stormtroopers and I missed it. That doesn't excuse my actions, but I wanted you to know it wasn't your fault." he explained, hoping to get something from the kid. Finally, Ezra spoke, but it wasn't the response he expected.
"You don't have to apologize. I deserved it." Ezra whispered, his voice hoarse from the hours he'd spent crying.
"What? Kid, no. That's not true." Kanan said, shaking his head at the boy.
"It's okay Kanan. You don't have to lie to me." Ezra said, refusing to meet the man's eyes. "You're right, I'm selfish. I don't know why you guys put up with me. You're better off without me. I mess everything up." he continued, and Kanan felt his heart shatter at those words. He wanted to speak up, but Ezra kept going. "I should just leave. I should let you guys off the hook, but I'm too selfish to do even that. I can't even go on a simple supplying mission without causing problems. I'm sorry Kanan. I'm sorry I'm so weak and pathetic. I'm sorry that I can't do anything right. I'm sorry that I'm a burden. You should have just left me here on Lothal. I'm sorry I messed everything up. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I -" Ezra had started ranting, tears beginning to pour from his eyes once more. Kanan listened, but when the boy began to apologize, he'd heard enough. He reached out and grabbed the kid, pulling him out from under the desk and into his chest, holding him tightly.
Ezra froze at this, his frantic apologies stopping as Kanan held him tightly. "Ezra, you listen to me. You are not a burden. You're not any of the things you just told me you were." Kanan said, his grip tightening as tears began to fill his own eyes. "Kid, you're family. You're one of us. We wouldn't trade you for the world. And if anyone ever tried to take you, we'd fight like a pack of angry loth-wolves to get you back." he told the boy, pulling back to look at him now. "I'm so sorry kid. I got angry and said things I didn't even mean. You're irreplaceable Ezra. We'd be lost without you, Spectre 6. Don't you ever think otherwise."
Ezra's eyes were filling with tears once more, and Kanan could tell the boy was holding back his emotions now. He nudged the kid's shields, asking to be let in, and was surprised when he was nearly drowned in a wave of self-hatred and loathing. "Oh Ezra." he whispered, pulling the kid in once more as the boy sobbed quietly. "Let it out kid. You don't have to hold anything back. It's okay." he told him, sending his feelings of love, care, and warmth through their bond.
Just like that, the dam broke, and Ezra began sobbing, loudly, his arms reaching up to wrap around Kanan, holding his master tightly. Kanan gently rocked the boy, holding him close and murmuring soft apologies to the boy, sending reassurances that he was wanted, that he was needed, that those dark thoughts were nothing but lies through their bond, making sure his kid knew that he mattered. He didn't let go even as Ezra's sobs began to die down, keeping his hold on the boy tight, continuing to send his feelings and reassurances through the Force until finally Ezra relaxed, his hold on Kanan no longer desperate but loose, a peace and tiredness filling the boy.
"I'm sorry Ezra. I'm so sorry." Kanan whispered into the boy's hair.
"I know." Ezra sniffed softly. "It's okay. I forgive you."
Kanan smiled at that, knowing the boy was telling the truth and wondering what he'd done to deserve this kid. How he'd possibly managed to earn his trust so much that even after something like this the boy would forgive him. "You ready to go home?" Kanan asked.
"Can we sit here for a while? Please." Ezra whispered.
"Of course. Whatever you need. I'm here for you." Kanan told him.
They sat there for a while, Kanan holding Ezra while Ezra curled into the embrace. By the time the boy was ready to head back, he was practically asleep in Kanan's arms, exhausted after all the crying he'd done. Kanan didn't mind, simply lifting the kid and carrying him down to the speeder he'd taken to get there. As they headed back to the Ghost, Kanan felt Ezra reaching out to him in the Force, a silent thank you being sent through their bond. Kanan simply smiled, gently brushing a hand through the boy's hair, grateful the speeder they'd 'borrowed' had been meant to transport two passengers and some cargo, so he could let Ezra rest. You're not worthless Ezra. You're everything to me. To Hera. To the whole crew. We'd do anything just to make sure you're okay. He thought, sending his feelings through the Force once more before feeling Ezra fade off into sleep.
When they reached the Ghost, he didn't bother waking Ezra, carrying the boy into the Ghost and straight to the bunks. He gently lifted the boy to his bunk, tucking him in and brushing his hand through the kid's hair one more time before gently touching their foreheads together. "Love you kid. Rest well." he whispered before quietly leaving the room, a smile on his face as he felt Ezra's signature glow with the same love and warmth he felt for the boy, a silent Love you too making its way through their bond.