Chapter Text
Jeongin has never been the biggest fan of physical contact.
Or well, mostly sexual physical contact. He doesn’t mind the occasional hug from his mother whenever he comes home to visit his family for the holidays. Nor does he mind Chan’s big papa-bear hugs or Felix clinging to him, because it’s Felix and Felix gives amazing hugs. If only Jisung didn’t look ready to murder him whenever Felix only got remotely close to Jeongin…
Seungmin is a different story, though.
Whenever Seungmin hugs him, holds him close, he feels like physical contact is the single greatest thing. It feels intimate, in a way. Very much so, despite the two of them never being physical in a sexual way. He’s never been a big fan of kissing either, but sometimes, Jeongin likes kissing Seungmin. A lot. He likes hearing Seungmin a little out of breath, likes how much kissing Jeongin affects him. It makes him feel like he’s enough.
Jeongin also likes simply spending time with Seungmin. They keep things on the low, they aren't as weird about it as Hyunjin and Changbin or as stupid as Jisung and Felix or even as weird as Chan and Minho with their unhinged secrecy agenda. They simply are. Jeongin wouldn’t even describe their dynamic as a relationship at all. Seungmin doesn’t either, so at least they are on the same page about it.
It’s summer so it’s only natural for Seungmin to wear shorts, but as Jeongin sits there on his bed, leg pressed miserably against Seungmin’s bare thigh that feels like Seungmin’s skin a thousand degrees hot. Its heat seeps over to Jeongin and he’s way too warm, feels like he must be sweating all over. He hopes Seungmin doesn’t notice.
He nervously sneaks a tiny glance over at his face, but Seungmin is still intently watching the movie, a focused expression on his face, as though he’s fully transfixed onto what’s happening on the screen of his laptop. Why is Jeongin even nervous? He shouldn’t be. This is Seungmin .
Then the movie narrator shifts the topic from seals hunting and starts talking about the mating rituals of whales and Jeongin thinks he should have chosen a different movie.
His hand is sweating profusely where it’s resting on his own thigh, only inches away from Seungmin’s skin that’s emitting the heat of a thousand suns. He nervously rubs it dry on his shorts, trying to remain mostly inconspicuous about it.
“Whales usually breed once every two years.”
He doesn’t know how to ask the question that’s been burning in his mind for weeks. For weeks , ever since Felix had offered to “help Jeongin experiment” if he wanted to. It had planted a seed in his brain, a torturous one, treacherous, even.
“These complex mating rituals vary widely from species to species.”
He’d started wondering about things, he’d started to imagine–
“Should we have sex?”
Seungmin’s head snaps around to him, eyes a little widened, mouth in a slight o-shape. Then he blinks at him in disbelief, looking like he’s wondering if he’s misunderstood. “Sorry, what?”
Jeongin feels heat rise into his face. His cheeks must be a deep shade of tomato-red judging by how hot his face feels.
“I- uh- Would you have sex with me?” he tries again, desperately trying to suppress the embarrassed stutter in his voice. He already regrets this. Deeply. He shouldn’t have asked, shouldn’t have mentioned it. Fuck .
Seungmin snorts. “What the fuck? Did all the whale mating seriously make you horny ?”
“No, I was just thinking!” Jeongin groans and hides his face in his hands.
“Man, you really are ace.”
Jeongin glares. “I didn't come here to be criticised, are we fucking or not?” It comes out a lot bolder than he’d intended for it to be and he has to look away from Seungmin’s face to not die in shame. His hands fly up to shield himself from the world – or simply Kim Seungmin’s burning gaze.
The sound of the documentary stops. Seungmin must have hit pause. Then soft hands wrap around his forearms, gently pulling them away from his face. The touch lingers there as Seungmin’s hands slides down his arm to his palms where he slots his fingers in between Jeongin’s slightly longer ones.
Seungmin’s voice is incredibly soft when he starts to speak. “Where is this coming from?”
“Where’s what coming from?”
Seungmin raises an eyebrow and sighs. Jeongin can’t help the way the corners of his mouth quake in suppressed laughter. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. Where’s you wanting to have sex coming from?”
His cheeks heat up again. “I-”
“Jeongin, I’m okay with us not having sex. Really. I don’t want you to feel pressured about anything you don’t want to do. So please-”
Jeongin shuts him up by squeezing his hands. The gaze from Seungmin’s eyes is heavy on him, like a physical weight.
“I just want to try. Again,” Jeongin mumbles. He feels embarrassed by the whole exchange, he should have just shut up. “Hyung, you know what I told you about my first time. It was miserable and it sucked and I didn’t even know them that well. I just thought that if I get it over with I’d feel differently. But I just thought that maybe if I try again with someone that I trust and feel comfortable with-”
His words register too late and mortification over admitting all this hits him like a sudden brick wall to the face. He hadn’t meant to have it all spill out like that. Seungmin would be sure to say no and then it would not matter at all and–
“Okay.”
“Huh?”
“Are you stupid or something?”
Jeongin can’t stop the laughter spilling past his lips. “Yeah,” he giggles.
Seungmin rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling too, hands still entwined with Jeongin’s. His thumb is tracing little circles onto Jeongin’s hands. It feels nice.
“I will have sex with you. Under the condition that you will tell me if something doesn’t feel good or if you want to stop completely.”
Jeongin’s heart is beating really fast. “Yes,” he says, voice hush, just slightly louder than a whisper. Seungmin smiles at him and Jeongin smiles back.
“Okay,” Seungmin says, leaning in to press a tiny peck against Jeongin’s nose. “Do you have lube and condoms here?”
The thought makes Jeongin’s breath hitch a little. Right. Lube and condoms. A thing one needs when having sex. Right. Yes. No, he doesn’t. Fuck . Off to a great start. He feels like an idiot. His occasional jerk-off sessions are confined to the shower where there’s no need for it. He actually prefers doing his business in the shower, prefers seeing the water wash away any trace of his shame within seconds. “I don’t,” he replies.
Seungmin doesn’t comment on it, his reply is soft. “Okay, I’m going to get some from my room. I’ll be gone for just a second.”
“Okay.”
He watches him get up and quietly leave the room, immediately feeling awkward again. Fuck, they’re really doing this? He already knows it’s probably a bad idea.
But he really wants to try.
He stares around the room, trying to distract his thoughts. Maybe he should get a headstart and take off his shirt and shorts? He clumsily pulls the over his head and shimmies out of his pants, throwing both off to the side. He doesn’t mind being shirtless at all, but the context makes a flush spread over his chest and his cheeks.
It takes forever and no time at all at the same time for Seungmin to return and lock the door behind himself. He stops, eyes briefly wandering over Jeongin’s exposed torso, a smile spreading across his face. He climbs back into bed next to Jeongin and Jeongin feels way hotter than he had before, despite now wearing less clothes. He feels like such a mess.
“How do you want it?” Seungmin asks, putting down the lube bottle and condom next to him on the bed.
Jeongin doesn’t really know. He hasn’t thought that far. Well, he had, but he isn’t about to admit this to Seungmin. Some incredibly misplaced shame, considering he is about to sleep with him. For real this time. “I don’t know.”
Seungmin hums, his voice is low when he speaks. “Do you want me to take care of you?”
Jeongin thinks about the last time he had sex. It had been incredibly awkward, neither of them had known what exactly to do, adding to the confusion of why it didn’t feel as good as it was supposed to. He’d taken the lead, despite not knowing what exactly he was leading towards. Certainly not an orgasm. Not for him, at least. He gulps down the embarrassment. “Yes, please.”
“I’ll make you feel good, Innie,” Seungmin mumbles, then softly cups Jeongin’s jaw. Then, quieter, he asks: “Can I kiss you?”
Jeongin leans in instead of answering. His lips move softly against Seungmin’s. Slow, comforting in that way they always kiss. Not demanding, not rough, but careful, considering. He lets himself be pushed back until he’s laying on his back, and Jeongin opens his legs for Seungmin to slot himself between them, only breaking their kiss for a moment. He’s right back before Jeongin has even registered it, leaning forward to kiss Jeongin again, still with the same softness from before. He moves, softly kisses down Jeongin’s jaw to his throat.
“Does this feel okay?” Seungmin mumbles against the skin of Jeongin’s neck, his hand lightly drifting down the side of Jeongin’s bare torso. Over the expanse of his stomach where Jeongin is sure he can feel the trace of the abs he’s worked on forever. At least he hopes so. Seungmin’s hand comes to a halt just above the waistband of his boxers.
“Yeah,” Jeongin answers breathily, angling his own head in a way for it to nuzzle against Seungmin’s. Thankfully, Seungmin seems to understand, because he’s kissing up the side of Jeongin’s throat, across his jaw before he’s back at Jeongin’s lips. The kiss is soft and slow. And then Seungmin is gone from his face, moving down to his chest, kissing downwards across Jeongin’s flushed skin. Down past his belly button. It feels good. It feels alright. Jeongin wants more of it.
He’s suddenly incredibly aware of his own lack of experience. He knows that Seungmin has tons of it – has known about Seungmin’s wild sex life for a while. Jeongin doesn’t mind it at all, in fact, he’s happy for him. But he just feels very out of his element right now.
He gasps when Seungmin presses a kiss to the inside of his thigh, then another one, and another one, slowly moving upward toward Jeongin’s crotch. His eyes are on Jeongin the entire time, attentive, unwavering. If Jeongin were anyone else, he’d say that that’s incredibly hot , but because Jeongin is Jeongin, he doesn’t.
He can’t, however, deny that it makes his dick twitch in his underwear. He bites his lips to shut himself up when a tiny sigh escapes him. He can’t tell if it’s because of Seungmin or just because he’s incredibly riled up by now. A part of him silently wishes that it is because he’s actually attracted to Seungmin, maybe having sex with him will awaken something in him. Jeongin knows Seungmin is objectively a very good-looking guy. He should be over the moon at the prospect of sleeping with him.
Another kiss close to the seam of his boxers has Jeongin’s breath hitch, teeth sinking in his bottom lip again to stop himself from making embarrassing noises. This is happening , his brain, helpful as ever, supplies
“Just relax,” Seungmin says quietly, almost like he’s read Jeongin’s incredibly busy thoughts, coming back up to Jeongin’s face to press a small peck against his nose. “Be as loud as you want. It’s hot.”
“It is?”
“Yeah, definitely.” Seungmin grins and another peck goes to the corner of Jeongin’s mouth.
“Okay.”
Seungmin raises an eyebrow. Jeongin feels confused.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbles, feeling embarrassed again. He feels so terribly awkward that he doesn’t even know what to do with his hands. He settles for tangling them into Seungmin’s soft hair. The soft sigh he gets in return tells him that it had been the right choice.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Innie. Tell me when something doesn’t feel good, okay? The goal is to make this good for you, so don’t hesitate to–”
Jeongin pulls him back in to shut him up with a deep kiss. He knows what he wants. At least he thinks so.
Seungmin’s hands slide up the side of his thighs back to Jeongin’s stomach, dept fingers sneaking along his stomach, tracing down his happy trail, down, down until he slightly hooks his finger underneath the waistband. Jeongin’s breath hitches.
“Okay?”
“Yeah,” he sputters. Anxious anticipation grows in his stomach, bubbling to the surface. He raises his hips slightly to make it easier for Seungmin to take off his underwear with less of a struggle. Somehow keeping his legs bent at the knees and feet angled against the mattress makes him feel a little less awkward. He’s rarely felt this exposed in front of someone, anyone. He tries to focus on Seungmin’s face, and not the way his hard, leaking dick rests pathetically against his stomach.
“You’re gorgeous,” Seungmin mumbles, pressing a soft kiss against Jeongin’s raised knee, hands wandering along his legs soothingly. Jeongin wants to hide. Especially so, when he realises that Seungmin is still pretty much fully dressed. Heat shoots into his cheeks.
“Can you, uh, too?”
Seungmin blinks at him confused. Then he seems to understand, because his eyes widen and then he pulls his shirt over his head in one swift motion that Jeongin has to admit looks pretty cool. Now, Seungmin is always pretty cool in Jeongin’s books. Except for when he’s not.
He watches Seungmin get up from the bed and then pull his shorts and underwear down in one go, now fully naked too. The sight is even more intimidating to Jeongin. He lets his gaze wander down Seungmin’s body while he climbs back onto the bed, returning to his previously vacated position between Jeongin’s legs. Jeongin can’t help the way his eyes linger on his dick, and his head fills with thoughts of “oh god, I’m going to have that inside of me” and “that is definitely a dick”. He suddenly has second guesses. It’s not like Seungmin is overly big, but Jeongin is just very unsure about everything for a second.
Jeongin reaches for his hand, trying to ground himself a little. Seungmin slides his fingers between Jeongin’s and squeezes. “All good?”
“Yes,” Jeongin breathes. He tries not to let his nervousness show, so he quickly adds: “What now?”
Seungmin laughs quietly. It’s more a huff than anything, really. Then his eyes glint in a way that Jeongin isn’t really sure he knows the meaning of. “Can I suck your dick?”
Jeongin almost chokes on his own spit. “Uh- yeah? Yes? Sure, go ahead? I guess?”
“You guess ? Innie, it’s okay if you want to stop or not do something.”
“I know!” He sits up from his half-laying position against his headrest, hands flying up to cup Seungmin’s face from both sides. “Kim Seungmin, I want you to have sex with me. So yes, you can suck my dick! P lease stop worrying and–”
Seungmin’s head slides out of his grasp and lower, lower, lower and before he can even comment on that new change of position, he’s cut short by the embarrassing moan spilling out of his mouth when Seungmin takes the head of his cock into his mouth. He slaps his hand against his mouth, eyes wide. “What the fuck!”
Seungmin doesn’t pull off, but Jeongin feels him smirk around his dick. His eyes are intently on Jeongin, feeling like they are damn close to burning holes into him. Jeongin’s breathing is heavy, chest practically heaving at the unfamiliar sensation. Seungmin takes him deeper into his mouth, slowly bobbing up and down with the expertise and vigour of someone who has definitely done this a lot.
He can’t tell if he likes it or not. He’s in that weird limbo between wanting to buck up his hips into the heat of Seungmin’s mouth, wanting more, needing more, and the feeling of wanting to escape. If he thinks some more about it, the feeling is more adjacent to Jeongin wanting to shrivel up and die. Can’t he just enjoy this? Dammit .
He wonders if this is always like this. It’s not like Seungmin is doing a shit job or anything, but the longer Jeongin lays there, the more he fails to find the appeal. He knows he should probably enjoy it, but somehow he doesn’t. Not really. Sure, it feels nice, but so does jerking off. He wonders if he should tell Minho about this new discovery. Minho has been incredibly helpful in all his self-discovery, and he’s sure he wouldn’t mind if Jeongin talked to him about this. Or maybe Felix. He’s talked to Felix a lot about this as well. Though Jeongin highly doubts this one would be a comfortable conversation to have, because Felix is, well, Felix.
“Innie?” Seungmin’s voice gets him out of his thoughts, and he realises his eyes have drifted up to the ceiling, just staring off into space. He immediately feels bad about it. He must be a terrible partner to have sex with.
“Yes?”
“Do you want to stop?”
Jeongin shakes his head. “No, I’m okay. Can we, uh, move on? To the-” he vaguely gestures toward Seungmin’s dick, “other stuff?”
Seungmin raises an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything. Jeongin is kind of thankful for it.
He presses another kiss against Jeongin’s leg, before reaching over to the side where he’d put the lube and condoms earlier. The sight of Seungmin popping open the cap of the tiny bottle turns Jeongin’s stomach into anxious knots. Suddenly, as he watches Seungmin work his thing, spreading lube on his fingers, he isn’t so sure about this whole thing anymore. He feels a little sick, if he’s completely honest with himself. No, I want this , he decides.
“I’m going to prep you now,” Seungmin says softly, his clean hand rubbing along Jeongin’s leg. Jeongin nods, he hopes it’s enough, because he can barely breathe.
It feels odd. Very odd. Seungmin’s finger circles his rim a few times before carefully dipping into Jeongin. Jeongin gasps, grabbing the hand Seungmin still has on his thigh. This is completely new territory and he can’t tell if it’s a good thing or not. His breathing is heavy as Seungmin carefully moves his finger in and out.
“You’re doing so well, Innie.”
Is he? He doesn’t feel like he is. There are so many doubts in his brain, he wishes it would just shut up and let him have this. Let him enjoy this.
But as it is, his brain does not shut up, it only gets louder when Seungmin adds a second finger and Jeongin’s breath hitches. No. This is– this is too overwhelming, too much.
“Seungmin,” he pants. “Seungminnie.”
Seungmin looks up at him. His eyes are a little hooded, lips swollen and pink. He looks incredibly debauched, clearly very affected by his endeavour of trying to get Jeongin off. It should turn Jeongin on, but he’s just– he– “Yes?”
“Can we stop? Please?” he asks quietly, voice shaking from embarrassment. Seungmin’s expression changes to a concerned one and his fingers immediately disappear. Jeongin lets himself fall back into his pillow, shielding his face with his hands. Fuck . The mattress shifts, he hears Seungmin move around, probably getting dressed and leaving the room. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Jeongin immediately regrets it. Did he just mess up everything? Will Seungmin want to speak to him again? What if not, what if–
The mattress dips again, and then he feels Seungmin brush against him. Carefully, he peaks through his hands. Seungmin is still there. He hasn’t left. “You’re still here.”
“Did you want me to leave?”
“No, I just thought you’d-”
“For someone so smart you’re so stupid sometimes,” Seungmin says, rolling his eyes. “Is it okay if I hold you? Or is it too much right now?”
Jeongin gaps at him like a fish for a moment, then he nods, yes.
Seungmin’s arms slide around his waist, pulling him against his own body. Jeongin wraps himself into the hug, pressing his face into the crook of Seungmin’s neck. He smells faintly like a mix of sweat and that floral shampoo he always uses. Familiar. Comforting.
“I’m sorry.”
Seungmin kisses his cheek, and tightens his arms around Jeongin. “Don’t apologise, it’s okay.”
“But-”
“Nope. Don’t wanna hear it.”
Jeongin huffs and smacks him. The angle is awkward, because he is still tangled around him, but it does the job, because Seungmin snorts loudly. He shifts and Jeongin freezes, suddenly very aware that they’re both still naked. And hard. Jeongin feels horrible.
He doesn’t actually mind the skin contact. There’s something very intimate about this, something he wouldn’t do with just anyone. Just Seungmin. He also doesn’t mind not finishing, he’s pretty sure he’s way too uncomfortable to come right now anyway, but he does feel guilty for Seungmin. He shouldn’t have asked. Shouldn’t have asked Seungmin to have sex with him because deep down, he’d know that he wouldn’t like it. That he’d have to stop.
“Do you wanna jerk off or something? Do you want me to jerk you off?”
Seungmin sighs heavily. It’s one of those sighs that’s usually reserved for Hyunjin or Jisung when the two of them are being extra unhinged again, and it makes Jeongin snort, despite the feeling of guilt threatening to eat him alive. “I’m good, seriously.”
“Okay.”
They lay there in silence for a bit, wrapped around one another, Jeongin’s head resting comfortably against Seungmin’s jaw. Seungmin’s hand has started brushing through Jeongin’s hair in a soothing, absent-minded motion, his other hand is still resting against his back.
“I’m still sorry,” Jeongin mumbles quietly.
“And I’m telling you again that here’s nothing to be sorry for,” Seungmin says. And after a moment: “Do you wanna continue watching the weird whale mating documentary?”
Jeongin leans back to properly look at him. Seungmin has a wide smirk painted across his face and Jeongin furrows his eyebrows at him, mouth twitching before he starts laughing about the absurdity of the whole thing. Seungmin starts laughing too.
“I can’t believe the whales riled your ace ass up enough to ask me for sex. Maybe we should listen to whale sounds if we ever try this again. Maybe the whales are your secret turn-on.”
“Shut up,” Jeongin giggles, pushing him away.
“Whale kink,” Seungmin snickers. Jeongin nearly pushes him off the bed.
They get dressed before they cuddle back into bed, this time closer than before, Jeongin’s arms wrapped around Seungmin’s torso and his head resting on his chest. Seungmin leans his head against Jeongin’s, pressing small kisses against his hair.
The documentary moves away from whale mating, thankfully, and the narrator starts droning on about weird blue-footed penguins.