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In the outskirts of London, far above the dirty-stained streets of London, an immaculate, perfect creature sat proudly upon her throne, staring down at passerbys with a well-deserved sense of superiority. The Queenly Kitten was royalty, after all, and it was in her blood to sit here, high above the peasant-humans that walked below.
It was tradition to laud herself above the denizens of this wretched city during her bathing time, to lazily listen in on their nonsense-arguments, their love-tyrsts, their shameless physical brawls, all while lapping idly at the glossy fur of her paw. It was entertaining to hear what so concerned those humans so far below, so ignorant to the perfect creature that shone above them like the brightest of False-Stars, like naïve children.
The Kitten purred as she rolled onto her back, burying herself deeper in the cushions of her window-box throne as she licked at a lacre-white leg that stretched towards the sky, that rolling sound emanating from deep within her fluff-hidden chest. She takes great pride in her purrs – no one could force them from her, without giving her proper due.
The Man who lived in the Rooftop Shack, the building her throne attached to, was, unfortunately, currently the only human who treated her with any of the respect she deserved. And so much disrespect that it hardly even mattered!! Her paws instinctively went to her neck, pushing up on the collar, although not truly trying to remove it. The concept of a collar was fine, but this one? One of such poor quality, without even a diamond to show her true value?! And not even the decency to leave the place for a name blank, when the Man had inflicted her with such a humiliating one?
That collar, that name, why she refused to use his own name, ever. Not until he respected her enough to grace her with a proper name.
Rolling again in her cushion-lined box, the Queenly Kitten settled to a rest on her side, stretching out, as if to take up the whole of her bed place. Her perfect jaw opened in a yawn, needle-like teeth glinting in the light of the False-Stars – she was tired, and one so great as her must have her beauty sleep! She wriggled once more, letting her eyes close as she readies herself for sleep. Perhaps the Man would be home then, and have dinner ready for her, by the time she awoke from her nap…
Perhaps she’d even let him pet her, if he washed the dirt from his hands first…
The Queenly Kitten is on the edge of sleep, the first rays of warm light and pampering hands reaching for, when she’s torn from her slumber by a pair of real hands, hands covered with a layer of grit and grime that instantly pulls the Kitten into a screaming yowl! She’s been pulled from her throne! She’s been pulled into the air by the scruff of her neck! UNHAND HER!
“Unhand me!” The Kitten screeches, clawing wildly at the air with the ferocity of a wild beast, all of her perfectly-groomed fur now standing on edge, turning her into a spikey, spitting mess of fluff and rage! However, it’s the fault of her biology that lets none of her murderous blows land, that lets her kitnapper live on – she cannot reach the back of her neck to land a blow! “Unhand me now!”
“In a minute!” It was an unfamiliar voice, childlike and girlish, and the Kitten instinctively bristles further! Not even the Man, or one of his circle of friends! A Stranger had her! A Strange Child!
Unceremoniously, the Kitten feels herself spun around in the air, legs rabbit-kicking uselessly at nothing, as her kidnapper comes into view. An Urchin! A grubby human, holding royalty in her hand like a common street-cat, holding a forgotten fishing pole in her other hand, down at her side. The human is a kitten herself, wide, reflective eyes set in her round face.
The Child grins, her teeth far flatter than the Kitten’s, but all the bigger. A fearsome predator in her own right. “You gotta give me my secret, first!” The Child says, dropping her fishing pole completely, reaching forward, and…
Petting her! Petting the Perfect, Pure, Queenly Kitten, with her soot-smeared hand! Grit! Grime! Muck! The Kitten yowled out pathetically again, so debased by the action!
“No! No, nothing! Nothing for you! I will give you nothing!” Secret?! A SECRET?! Extortion! Extortion!!
“That’s not how this works!” The Girl said cheerily, sitting down against the home of the Man, shifting to hold the wriggling Kitten underneath her armpits. “You’re s’posed to give me a secret for catching you! That’s how cat-catching works!” The Child says it with a knowledgeable superiority, and a fitting, know-it-all grin. “Everybody knows that! Even the baby cats!”
The Child purses her lips, spinning the Kitten around again, examining her from the sides. Pristine white fluff, all marked with grubby fingerprints. The horror! The Audacity of it all! But the Child does not seem to understand the gravity of this situation, instead letting out a giggle. A giggle!
“You don’t even have the excuse of bein’ a baby cat! So, c’mon, give me the secret!”
The Kitten opens her mouth as wide as it will go, and lets out a hiss, her hair prickling up against the Child’s skin. “I will do no such thing! I am not some street cat to be caught!” She’d heard of this game – catch a cat, and it’ll tell you it’s secret, in return for being let go. A barbaric practice! And on the Queenly Kitten had thought she’d never experience firsthand, being so far above it all…
Eyes narrowed, and another hiss escaped the Kitten’s maw. Of course some little human kitten had been the one to find her! And to catch her napping! The indignity of it all! “I am a proper housecat! Now let me go, before I must take drastic measures!"
The Child blinked. Her pupils are so big, so dark and reflective, that the Kitten can see her own reflection in them. “You’re still a cat, though.” The Child observes astutely, touching the tip of the cat’s triagular ear to prove its reality – the Kitten flicks it away before it even make contact. “Or at least, close ‘nough.” She thought on it for a moment, then shrugged. “So, secret? Or else I’ll have to get you a leash, until you do, and I dunno know to make a leash. Or maybe I can put you in m’ pocket, and carry you around, until you tell-”
“What’s going on here?”
THE MAN! He had returned, he had returned, he had returned from… from… job, maybe? Did he even have a job? Was the Queenly Kitten living with a mooch?
IT DIDN’T MATTER! HE WAS BACK!
“Please help!” She yowled out in distress, squirming anew! “Save me!”
The Man looked confused, as he always did! But before the Kitten could please for safety, the Child clasped a grubby hand over her muzzle, pulling the kitten to her lap. Why was a human kit so strong?!
“Is this your kitty?” The little girl asked, staring up at the Man with a big grin. “I’m s’posed to be stealing people’s hats ‘n things, but I wanna play with her instead! Can I, pleeeeeeeeease?”
The Man shrugged, not a care in the world. “Alright. Fluffles, don’t bite her.”
And then he walked into his home, and closed the door.
For her part, the Queenly Kitten was too shocked at her utter mistreatment to even bite the Child. Limp, like a wet weasel, in the child’s grip, as the hand was removed from her muzzle, and took to petting the soft fluff of the furball.
“Your name is Fluffles?” The Child asked, her nose crinkling up with a withheld giggle! One hand went to the collar, but what for..?
Oh no.
The Full Name.
The Kitten rocketed out of the girl’s hands, but it was too late. She had seen. And the laughter…
“Miss Fluffles Truffles?!” The girl asked, her face going red as she struggled to breathe from laughing. “ Like Fluffy? And Truffles?! Like the things pigs find?! You’ve got a piggy name! Piggy kitty! Piggy Kitty!!”
This, the Kitten realized, is what Devils looked like as kits.
Even though she was free, there was no reason to run. Not anymore. The Queenly Kitten’s life was positively ruined, and there was no coming back from this embarrassment. Her fur was dirty and sticking up at all angles, her name was being belted out to any that could hear it in fits of side-clutching laughter, and this child had called her… called her a pig. Swine.
But… she was the Queenly Kitten after all. She was better than that child. Better than her owner. Better than everyone. This was a problem, yes, but one as immaculate as her would not falter at such a challenge!
The Queenly Kitten sat down a few feet away from the child, and gave herself a quick once-over with her tongue, smoothing down errant spikes, and taking off as much of the dirt and grime as she could easily reach, taking particular care to smooth down her cheeks with a well-placed flick of her paw. She was better than this! She was perfect!
Chest fur puffed out as the Kitten straightened her posture, rising to stand proud, like the tigers of the Elder Continent she’d heard street-cats gossip about, like the great lions that roamed every speck of land of the surface above (probably)!
Her footwork was precise, even, and perfect, as she stalked back to the Child, still up against that wall, still laughing like a fool.
“It’s not a very good secret if you yell it.” She said with supreme authority, turning her muzzle up at the ill-made attempt at secret-keeping. “For one so knowledgeable on cat-catching, you’re rather terrible at it.” No one could prove she’d not intended to share it! It was genius. Brilliant. Just like her.
“That’s no secret! It’s right on your collar!”
Oh. That wasn’t grand.
The Kitten settled back onto her haunches again, another flurry of licks to her chest to smooth the natural-fluffing of it at such a challenge to her dignity and honor. She would be composed! She would be composed, and prove her lie, and leave this child humiliated! She would reign supreme! The Queenly Kitten would win, and avenge the loss of her respect in this strange kit’s eyes!
“You know the rules,” The Kitten chastises, her perfect tail flicking in time behind her head, left, right, left, right. Like a metronome, one used by a proper musician! An artiste, just like her! (Or so the Man said, when she’d drag whatever food she’d been given all over the kitchen.) “Catch a cat, and in exchange for their secret, you let them go. I just happened to be clever enough to put my secret in the perfect place, so only those who catch me see it!”
The tail flicked out to the left and did not move. “Now, off you go, child! I have a nap to get to, you know!” Irritation rose into her formerly-composed voice, a clear strain that bled into a hiss. “Continue your thievery of the people below in peace, and perhaps I’ll refrain of clawing you the next time dare cross my path.”
Perfect. It’s going perfect. The Kitten raises a paw to her mouth, and licks the underside, flexing her claws in a display of dominance, just as she always was meant to.
Instead of yowling, this time she just sighed at the Child scruffed her, one more dangling helplessly from a grubby hand.
“That secret’s dumb. Gimme another.”