Chapter Text

Hell hath no fury like a frat boy scorned.

"Heaven has no rage, like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury, like a woman scorned." From the 1697 play The Mourning Bride (Act III Scene 2) by William Congreve.

Act II - Hell

~7~

When Wooyoung wakes up, he does so in Hongjoong and Jongho's spare bedroom because after San left he couldn't stay by himself, the walls were closing in on him. He'd called Hongjoong, and by some miracle of mercy Hongjoong had picked up. He'd cried, and Hongjoong has a bleeding heart under all that anger.

San has done a number on him physically as well, not just emotionally, so that Hongjoong had to come pick him up in the car. It means Hongjoong saw how messed up he was and instantly forgot about Wooyoung's betrayal, and his disapproval of San has hit astronomical levels. It also means Wooyoung has to stretch movement into his stiff limbs slowly, before he can get out of bed and rejoin humanity.

Hongjoong never eats breakfast, just grabs a sandwich to go and heads out, so Wooyoung is left at the breakfast table with Jongho. While Hongjoong has set their issues aside, for now, Jongho is grumpy and doesn't want to talk to him, so he checks news sites and SNS on his phone, and is greeted by a smiling San.

He doesn't have San's SNS since it was set to friends-only and San said he only had the soccer guys, didn't use it much. But the photo of San and a girl squishing their cheeks together and making kissy faces at the camera is posted by someone else onto Wooyoung's timeline; Mingi. He still has Mingi on his friend list, never bothered to take him off it because Mingi blocked him. Now he's unblocked, and Mingi has uploaded the happy couple with the caption, "Bestie and his pretty gf."

Trying to understand, Wooyoung clicks Choi San's name and his gut cramps seeing San's profile picture, one eye closed, tongue out, like the fucking frat boy asshole he is. But it's taken from way too close, and the corners of his mouth are tugged up, and it's so fucking cute too. Fuck him.

San's profile is no longer friends-only and San is very active. He has a million photos, half of them selfies with various cute animals or silly glasses on, with plenty of positive reactions. Some people are clearly sucking up to him in the comments, the majority of them sorority girls. The other half is full of people, not just the soccer team. Wooyoung recognizes one or two but mostly not. All the photos are outdoors or at home parties, no town, no clubs. The girl is in quite a few of them, most of the time with San's arm around her shoulders, his v-sign behind her head, or hers behind his.

Has Mingi recruited his straight friend to seduce and fuck Wooyoung? That would more or less guarantee San not being on Wooyoung's radar, since he avoids the soccer team and is loudly gay as fuck. Their circles don't overlap, Wooyoung is with the tearing up the town going clubbing crowd, San more into backyard barbecues and small home hangouts.

One thing is certain. San locked his SNS to make sure Wooyoung wouldn't discover his friendship with Mingi, or his fucking girlfriend, and now Mingi unblocked him to shove that girlfriend in his face. All of this was planned, the whole fucking thing. He'd laugh at being part of a damned movie plot in real life, if seeing San's smiling face next to hers didn't feel like a rusty knife in his heart. He'd thought San seemed too good to be true, and he should have listened to his instincts. He should have listened to Hongjoong.

"Wooyoung," Jongho says, "aren't you eating anything?"

"Not hungry, Wooyoung says, gulping down coffee.

Don't do it, he thinks, but still clicks her name, Lee Miyoung. Her profile picture is her smiling, wind in her chestnut hair, at a beach or something. Fucking pretentious. He looks through her album and most of it is pictures of her cat or sunrises and sunsets, with the occasional cheesy inspirational quote on flowery backgrounds. He does spot her relationship status not being listed, though, and looking at San's profile, his isn't either. It doesn't mean anything, some couples don't bother with the SNS announcements, or hide their dating from snooping relatives, all it does is give him stupid, painful, delusional hope.

He scrolls back in San's gallery. It takes a while because San has so many photos, but he finds the time last year when Wooyoung dated Mingi. It's still lots of selcas with animals and people, often the soccer team, but no Mingi beyond in the background with the team, and no Miyoung. A few weeks after Wooyoung and Mingi broke up, Mingi starts showing up with San a lot. Sometimes they're joined by a third guy, the guy who led the attacks on Wooyoung, captain of the soccer team; Yunho. Wooyoung wouldn't call it bullying because he deserved every piece of shit they gave him.

Now that he knows, he can see that San more or less reconstructed Wooyoung and Mingi's relationship, putting Wooyoung in Mingi's role. They'd almost hooked up at a party, but gotten interrupted. Wooyoung had come looking for Mingi again, hovering around, enjoying the game because Mingi was the most delicious of victims; a virgin, and not out. Eventually he'd agreed to date more or less just to get in his pants. It had been amazing, but he can't think about it these days without cringing at himself. 

Inadvertently, because Mingi was a sweetheart and Wooyoung was an asshole, Mingi had broken contact with several of his friends to make space for Wooyoung. Much like how Wooyoung had kicked out Seonghwa and Yeosang for San's sake, and San had kept the antagonistic attitude towards Hongjoong, perhaps trying to drive wedges between them.

Finally, Mingi had confessed his feelings and asked Wooyoung to be his boyfriend, properly, exclusively. He'd chosen to do it in front of the soccer team, thereby also coming out to them. Saying Wooyoung had handled the public display of affection poorly was a staggering understatement. He'd told Mingi to stop being so needy and grow up, they were just having a good time. To top it off - and talk about cringing - he'd proceeded to go fuck someone else and post about it on his SNS. Hence Hongjoong's judgment of him getting insecure and bitchy whenever he feels trapped. Mingi posting about San's girlfriend is perhaps nothing more than he deserves.

The soccer team closed ranks around Mingi and some of them started bullying Wooyoung, so he's not spoken to Mingi since. One of the times he'd complained to Hongjoong about them overreacting, Hongjoong had lost patience and told him to not speak to him again until he'd reflected on himself and stopped being a manchild. He didn't talk to Hongjoong for two months; the first because he was stubborn, but the second had accomplished some very needed character development.

In hindsight he freely admits he'd been an immature, self-centered, toxic piece of garbage, but he can't undo it. Instead he tries to be absolutely clear from the start, these days, that he's a shallow bastard, only here to have some fun with no strings attached, and that's worked well so far. He's not here to break hearts, just to fuck.

During spring break Miyoung shows up in San's photos, first in the periphery but about a month later hanging on his arm a lot. She's not the only one, San seems to have a steady supply of pretty girls in bikinis kissing his cheek, but the other ones come and go. She repeats week after week. Looking at Miyoung, he understands just what he put Mingi through. Even thinking of San fucking someone else hurts, but especially this pretty, preening, sentimental girl with cat pictures and sunrises. It burns like acid. She looks so well-adjusted , so fucking harmless , he wants to throw up. He shuts the app down and pockets his phone.

Or are San and Mingi a couple, and she's a beard? The attitude on campus is very chill. Wooyoung has had a few comments on his promiscuity but not specifically his sexuality, and Mingi's coming out didn't seem to cause any friction, but there are still reasons, for some, to stay hidden. San did say he was hiding from his family, maybe it wasn't a lie?

If thinking of San fucking Miyoung hurts, thinking of him in bed with Mingi makes Wooyoung literally and severely nauseous. Or maybe it's the amount of coffee he's drank very quickly, without eating or drinking anything for a lot of hours prior. He tries to throw up in Hongjoong's bathroom but doesn't manage to. Jongho makes him drink a glass of water and tells him if he's determined to go meet his group project mates, at least come back after, he'll be home the whole day from lunch and forward to study.

"I'm okay," Wooyoung assures him. "I had a stupid crush and got fucked over, just let me work through it. You and your hubby don't need to babysit me like I'm suicidal."

"Perhaps not," Jongho thinks, "but no matter what bullshit you get up to, we'll always owe you for getting us together. And you'll need to eat something at some point."

Once he's on the college grounds he doesn't know why he came. What if he runs into them? But he sets his jaw and goes to meet the group.

That night he tries his best to manage - trying to sleep would be incredibly optimistic - but still wakes his hosts up in the middle of the night. Hongjoong is very patient, Jongho wears a face like he'd rather be asleep the whole time, but both of them stay up with him. Eventually Hongjoong falls asleep curled up on the couch. Jongho invites Wooyoung to sleep with him in their bed, so he doesn't have to be alone, but Wooyoung doesn't dare to. If Hongjoong wakes up and sees them hugging in bed he might get thrown out again.

Hongjoong keeps messaging him the next day, nagging him to eat, so he buys a small slice of pie in the cafeteria for lunch, even if he doesn't feel hungry. He's at a corner table eating and talking to a guy from his class about a hand-in, when she walks in. Lee Miyoung, with two friends, chatting and laughing. They sit at a table nearby. She's showing off a new bracelet. It's pink and white glass, exquisitely feminine, just like the rest of her.

"You're so cheap," they tease her.

"He didn't have to buy me anything," she swears. "I need space sometimes and he always welcomes me right back, so of course I'd do the same for him the one time he needed some time to himself."

"You mean once a month you say you're too busy to see him for a week so he buys you jewelry and sucks up to make you come back."

She laughs, bright and clear. "What jewelry! It's just a cheap trinket. He said he saw it in a store and thought it would look cute on me. It does, doesn't it? He's trying to say that even if he wanted space for a few weeks he always thinks of me."

Wooyoung's table mate notices him looking and asks why he's interested. That girl is kind of plain, he says, some of the girls are jealous of her grades and her fashion sense but isn't she kind of homely? Wooyoung hums in agreement but he thinks she's radiant. She's not drop dead gorgeous, but there's this energy about her, the way she twists her shoulder and leans in when she laughs, and she touches her friends constantly, light taps of her fingers, looking right into their eyes.

When his classmate has to leave, Miyoung's friends have also left and she's sipping tea and reading, tipping her arm this way and that, letting the bracelet slide up and down her slim wrist. Don't do it, Wooyoung thinks, and picks up his bag and sits down next to her.

"Hey, I don't think we've met," he says and makes up some bullshit excuse for knowing her through her friends. She doesn't question his presence at all, and doesn't seem bothered by the sudden invasion of her space. Rather, she's instantly curious, asking him a lot of questions. Not the usual ones, like where are you from or what are you studying. She asks if he likes sunrise or sunset best? He says sunset, and she immediately jokes that they can't be friends, then. Does he read books? Not really, Wooyoung says, and she asks if he reads poetry then, and he has to say no to that too.

Wooyoung sat down here with the intention of telling her San cheated on her, because he's fucking hurting and wants to watch the world burn, but she's too alive and she's innocent, it's not her fault her boyfriend is insane. He listens to her talk about some poem she likes, and follows the gestures of her hands. He mimics the way she twists her shoulder and the way she pushes her hair behind her ear, although his hair is a bit too short to do it properly, and absorbs the way she touches his arm while speaking.

Her phone rings. "My favorite soccer star!" she cheers. "Hm, what movie? Okay, I'll come if you buy me dinner first." She giggles. "Guess where I am! I'm on a cafeteria date with a handsome stranger! No, don't cancel the movie, don't sulk, I'll come right away!" She hangs up and starts packing up. "I have to run, I'm meeting my boyfriend at the movies."

"Way to break a guy's heart," Wooyoung says, pretending it's a joke.

She laughs. "It was nice talking to you, handsome stranger!" She looks a little expectant, and he realizes he can't tell her his name. She might talk to San about her cafeteria mystery date.

"Nice to meet you too," he says, and also gets up and leaves in the other direction.

What the fuck is he doing.

After he's done for the day he goes to his place, he needs some of his stuff. Coming inside his own apartment, it doesn't feel like home. It's never felt much like a home, but now it feels like someone else's. The bed, the mirror, the spot by the front door where San broke not just his heart but his entire self; it feels like it all belongs to San, not him. He showers and gets into comfy pants, and walks around packing up some things, thinking he'll stay with Hongjoong and Jongho for a while. He's done it before when he's had a hard time and can't be alone, and he thinks he can help them set their relationship back on track in return.

Hongjoong has texted in the group chat with Jongho asking what food they want him to pick up. He hasn't gone home from work yet? Wooyoung frowns at his phone making a mental note to talk to Hongjoong about it. He can't neglect Jongho, Jongho is not the type to sit down and take it quietly.

He opens his SNS out of habit and finds Mingi has reposted a picture from San and Miyoung's dinner-and-movie date. Going to San's page, there's half a dozen new photos. A few selcas together, a shot of the restaurant food, and a series of photos of a stone bridge in town and them individually on it. The stone bridge photos scream Miyoung's aesthetic, there's nothing else like it in San's gallery.

Opening one of San's solo shots, pain runs through Wooyoung's chest but it curls up like a cat at the bottom of his abdomen, turning into heat. San has his hands in his pockets, smiling handsomely but with an air of silliness. Just then some new photos come up, blurry and chaotic, full of silly expressions and laughter like they've been fighting over the phone. Flipping through them, Wooyoung suddenly wonders if San is shirtless because it's hard to see but isn't that his naked shoulder? Are they in bed, right now, together? One of the photos is San sticking his tongue out, so close that the camera has lost focus, playful and happy like a cat about to pounce on a string.

Wooyoung feels unstable, he drops backwards on his bed. He's forgotten that he never changed the sheets, and they're nasty, they smell like old sweat and various body fluids, they smell like San. He flips to his stomach to bury his face in them, breathing in, and his whole body wakes to life, heat rushing to his cheeks and the warmth at the bottom of his stomach sliding lower. His skin burns remembering San's hands on it, and he rolls his hips from the echoes of San fucking into him, pressing him into the bed so that he hadn't been able to move an inch, just had to take it.

Maybe San had gone so hard to punish him, or maybe because he's actually straight and the whole thing had been disgusting for him. It had been humiliating to begin with, the whimpering, needy mess San had reduced him to, but this is worse. He props the phone up with the photo so he can see it, pushes his pajama pants down and rubs himself against the sheets, moaning into the bed, half suffocating himself. He's going mad, he needs San's soothing voice holding him together, he needs San inside him again, he'd do anything.

A while later, after he's gotten off and the need has, at least for a short moment, subsided, he picks up his phone and the photo is gone. Opening San's profile again, the whole series has been deleted, as well as the stone bridge set. He'd do anything for San to smile at him like that, he thinks, and hugs his pillow to cry into it. It would be of benefit to his character and self-respect if he cried from guilt for what he put Mingi through. But he's crying for himself, and for how empty life is without San.

~8~

"You knew him for three weeks," Hongjoong scolds him, not for the first time.

Wooyoung rubs his eyes, seeing his own pale and bleary face in his mirror, not sure why Hongjoong's come to wake him up so early. He cried himself to sleep in his bed last night and was woken up by Hongjoong calling wondering where the fuck he was and why he wasn't answering their text messages. Wooyoung told him he'd sleep at home and come over tomorrow.

With a lump in his throat he watches Hongjoong gather up the sheets and stuff them in a plastic bag to bring home and wash. Hongjoong takes the trash bag as well although there's almost nothing in it.

"Did you not use a condom?" he demands, looking at the four or five items in the trash.

"What the fuck," Wooyoung says, snatching the bag away. "That's none of your business."

"Wooyoung." Hongjoong comes to stand in front of him. "What is going on with you? Seriously?"

"He didn't use one," Wooyoung says. "It's not like he gave me a chance to ask."

Eyebrows coming up, Hongjoong's voice has a dangerous edge when he asks, "He? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You said all of this was consensual." He gestures to Wooyoung's body and the state it had been in when he'd picked him up.

Wooyoung rubs his face. "Nothing." He's too out of it and saying too much. "It was." He wonders if San had been honest when he said it was obvious to him that Wooyoung was into it the first time. He wonders if San would have done anything differently if he hadn't been.

It's not easy to fool Hongjoong. Wooyoung tries to keep his face calm and neutral while Hongjoong's big, serious eyes are watching. Never mind how he rarely bottoms, Wooyoung doesn't relinquish control. He calls the shots, and isn't afraid to hurt feelings or walk out mid-sex if he doesn't like how people treat him. So Hongjoong is thinking San forced things, or else why would Wooyoung be this fucked up, and he can't comprehend why Wooyoung insists on covering for him.

"I knew that guy was trouble," Hongjoong states, getting worked up. "All that pouting and blinking his eyes, he was clearly trying way too hard to look cute and harmless. I can't believe you fucking fell for it. You!"

Wooyoung almost laughs, bitterly. The San of three weeks that followed him like a puppy, gently talked him to sleep and kissed him like he really liked him, all of that seems like a dream. He misses him too, especially at night when he can't sleep, especially when he sees a funny meme and wants to send it to San and imagine his laughter as the cute laughing stickers roll in. But the one he can't get out of his head, the one that's destroying him, isn't him. It's the San who fucked him until he forgot his own name and forced him to beg for more, who sneered, "You can't even admit what you want." That San would be proud of him now, then, because the only thing he knows is what he wants, but what the fuck does it get him?

"What are you doing here," he asks tiredly.

"I'm driving you to class," Hongjoong informs him. "Go shower. Come on, don't make me late for work."

"You work too much," Wooyoung remembers to tell him. "Leaving Jongho by himself too much."

"I'll let you tell me how to run my life when you have any semblance of order on yours," Hongjoong answers, and oversees his grooming and dressing like an army officer, taking the bag with sheets and reminding him to bring the stuff he packed to stay at their place.

Wooyoung is dropped at the college gates feeling like some kind of creature trying to look like a human. Once he's bought and drank generous amounts of coffee he almost thinks he might succeed. He skulks down the corridors worried he'll run into any of them. San or Mingi because he'll fall apart, Miyoung because he'll not be able to stop himself from telling her San cheated on her.

Instead he runs into Yunho in the second floor bathrooms. They end up next to each other washing their hands, and meet eyes in the mirror.

"I'm sorry," Wooyoung tells him in place of Mingi.

"I told them not to," Yunho says. "You got what you deserved before, but this was going too far. You probably think San is a monster, but it's not like that. Mingi was hurting, he needed something to hold him together, and San would do absolutely anything for the people he loves. You don't have to be nice to people who hurt you, he said."

Don't do it. "Are they a couple?"

Yunho snorts softly. "Walk away, Wooyoung," he advises. "Just turn your back on this whole thing and let it die down. Mingi is doing better now, so if you're sorry, leave it. It'll just turn into a fucking mess again if you poke." He leaves.

He's right. Wooyoung takes a deep breath, looking at himself in the mirror. Mingi has gotten his revenge, they're even now, it's over. He spots a bruise on his wrist. It's from the first time San fucked him. The bruise has come through properly and is shifting colors, a big ugly splotch on his skin. Memories float by against his will, he watches his skin knot up in goosebumps. "You knew him for three weeks," he tells himself, echoing Hongjoong. "Walk away, Wooyoung," echoing Yunho.

He comes back to Hongjoong and Jongho a crying mess. They try to patiently sit with him, but he feels too guilty and shuts himself in the spare room. This night when he wakes up Jongho only, because Hongjoong has to go to work in the morning, Jongho asks him to at least tell him what the fuck is going on. He's told them that San wasn't ready to come out and they broke off whatever it was. Now he admits he really, really liked San.

"Hongjoong figured that out ages ago," Jongho says, insulted on his boyfriend's behalf. "The moment you're out of earshot he's grumbling about how he'd stab him if he wasn't one of the cornerstones of the soccer team."

Wooyoung doesn't want anyone to know San faked their whole relationship, such as it was, because it's humiliating, and he's so fucking pathetic for not caring about the lies and plot, only crying for being abandoned. He tells Jongho about Mingi instead, saying Mingi is taking the opportunity to spam him with SNS photos of San's girlfriend and taunting him.

Jongho's lips twitch in a suppressed snarl at the girlfriend reveal. Wooyoung remembers too late that Jongho's first love had a fiancée he never told Jongho about, and dumped him by telling him he was getting married to her. Jongho has stayed rather neutral to San the whole time, but now Wooyoung can see the opinion dropping like a stone. "Block him," he says, and Wooyoung can't defend that he doesn't want to. The moment he takes Yunho's advice and walks away from this mess, San is irrevocably gone from his life. In three weeks San got closer to him than any person has ever done before, and unveiled secrets he'd hidden even from himself. It's as if in the process, San dug out a hole for himself that no one else can fill.

So he cries more, and apologizes for waking Jongho up and wasting his time. Jongho hugs him and says two weeks ago he would have told him to get a grip, but worrying about Hongjoong missing that one night has made him reevaluate everything. Every moment is precious, he says, and there's no better way to spend it than making someone you love feel a little better. Wooyoung thinks that must be how San feels about Mingi.

He asks if Hongjoong has said I love you. Jongho laughs, and says they've set a date when they'll go down to Hongjoong's lawyer and sign the papers to make them each other's next of kin and benefactors in their wills. "He says it in actions. Him signing those papers is as close to an explicit I love you as I'll probably get," Jongho says. "I'd rather be okay with that and get surprised, than wait for something that never happens."

"He's a moron," Wooyoung says.

"Well, he is best friends with you," Jongho smiles.

He gets through most of the next day without thinking about it or checking his phone. It's late afternoon when his phone pings and he, stupidly, checks it. Mingi has reposted San's shit again, a video of some people in a living room playing games on a TV. Miyoung in San's lap, San playing with his arms around her, and Mingi next to them with his arm slung on the back of the couch behind San. Mingi has actually tagged Wooyoung, thus the notification, with the caption, "Join us for FIFA?" Although they're playing a fighting game.

His blood chills when he realizes that San must have reported everything they did back to Mingi. The sex too? Has he told Mingi that Wooyoung blew him in Hongjoong's spare bedroom, has the told him how he begged and cried when he fucked him? Wooyoung's cheeks burn, he blinks his eyes to clear them.

Don't do it, he thinks, and opens Mingi's profile and sends a private message.

"I'm sorry."

"What the fuck do you want?" Mingi writes back.

"Nothing. Just to say I was an asshole and I'm sorry."

"Cute, isn't he," Mingi writes, then types for a while to send a long message. "You're his type. A whiny, insecure sub pretending to be a bad bitch. You'll step on anyone else to stay in control because you can't deal with how much you want someone to step on you. He breaks bitches like you like dry branches, could have broken you in an afternoon, he's a fucking force of nature. But I told him to slow it down and give you the full experience. He's good at everything, good with his hands, but so fucking good with the talk, don't you agree?"

So San has told him everything, then, down to details. Wooyoung blinks tears of anger and humiliation away, thinking he was an asshole to Mingi but he doesn't deserve this. He's trying to keep his mind from pointing out how Mingi talks about San like he knows how good he is first hand. "Why do you have to go so fucking far," he writes.

"You asking that is exactly why," Mingi answers. "You didn't care enough to even notice."

"I know I was an asshole, if there's anything I can do I'll do it. I'm sorry."

"You're not sorry, you're just trying to make it stop," Mingi answers, "but I didn't get to decide when it ended, and you won't either." He doesn't respond to anything more.

Wooyoung catches himself staring at the video trying to evaluate the few seconds of body language. Is San fucking Miyoung, Mingi, neither, or both? Before he knows it he's stalking everyone's SNS, Yunho, every guy on the soccer team, everyone on San's - very long - friend list. He calls a couple of people that he knows love to talk shit, pretending to be bored and out for gossip, and manages to ask them about San. Good boy or fuckboy? The answer seems to unanimously be good boy. There's not much dirt to find on him.

One person says that that girlfriend of his isn't as neat and pretty as she seems. There was a rumor a while ago that she pretends to break up with him so she can go fuck other guys, and he comes begging her to come back every time. Wooyoung asks if San fucks other people too, but no one knows anything about that.

The next moment he's typing "Skeleton Man" in the search engine. He gets some movies and thinks this isn't it, and adds "Comic book". This time he gets pictures of a comic book character with a costume much like his Halloween outfit, bones painted on black. This must be what San meant. It's from a title called Tarot, and looking up more pictures, he's swarmed with well-endowed amazons with the very minimum amount of clothing that keeps it from being outright porn.

So, he thinks, looking at the enormous tits, tiny waists and some kind of kinky pagan metal outfits, San is straight, then. Open-minded enough to fuck a guy for Mingi's sake, but straight with a steady girlfriend.

It doesn't matter, not really. Either way, he'd approached and fucked Wooyoung to get back at him and for no other reason. Half of the things that Wooyoung liked about him were probably designed by Mingi. But Miyoung's little happy squeaks, beating San at the fighting game, still makes him nauseous.

"Sorry, I forgot about your laundry," Hongjoong says. "Could you start it before we eat, so it has time to finish?"

Wooyoung has done laundry here before, so he can get the machine running by himself. Taking the sheets out of the bag, San's scent hits him again, and he ends up leaned over the sink, hands in his hair, trying his damned best to not cry, to not fucking lose it .

Once he's managed to gather himself somewhat, he meets his own red and puffy eyes in the mirror. You can't even say it. Whiny insecure sub pretending to be a bad bitch. "I…" he tries, and freaks out, and sticks his head out the door. His hosts are in the kitchen. He locks himself in and thinks this is so stupid, and returns to the mirror. "I-I w-" Why is it so hard? It's just words.

He watches his own hand come up and push imaginary hair behind his ear, mimicking Miyoung's gestures. He looks nothing like her, too dark, too masculine. What the fuck is he doing. He switches tactics, imagines San standing behind him, meeting his eyes in the mirror, arms around him like around Miyoung on the couch. Imagines San's warm, steady voice. Why are you ashamed, baby?

He can't get it out above a whisper, but he does say the words. "I want… I like the way you fuck me. I wish you'd come back and do it more." He immediately cringes and watches his cheeks fill with pink, and rubs his lips like he can stuff it back in. San would be proud, he thinks, and blushes more. Idiot.

His face is burning like a bonfire but otherwise he doesn't look any different. The images from the mirror in his apartment, with San buried deep inside him, are burned on the insides of his eyelids and sometimes when people look at him he thinks they can somehow see it. But he wipes his nose and even puffy from crying and red in the face, the gesture is flippant, he looks tough. His chin comes up in defiance.

San was an exception, his kryptonite, he's not changed. He'll go back to himself, go back to the clubs and the hookups and a life he actually liked and was proud of, and forget any of this ever happened.

He gets the laundry machine running. It feels final, and like some miniscule morsel of closure. San's scent, gone forever. When he sits down to eat with Hongjoong and Jongho, he's made up his mind. He blocks Mingi, San, Miyoung and Yunho. He's walking away.

~9~

The club lights are flashing over the dozens of flower crowns, many of them glow-in-the-dark or battery powered, but the club provides simple plastic ones for those who don't have their own. Wooyoung is wearing Hongjoong's design, as always, with little twisted antlers, adding a spooky touch. Hongjoong enjoys his little art projects for Wooyoung’s clubbing, but he's so busy lately, this one is from last year.

Summer break is in a few weeks, and the club hosts the fairy court themed night right before the last intense weeks start, to draw everyone who wants to get stupid before they have to get straight. Most people here are from the university on the other side of the city, and Wooyoung is looking for prey.

He's surprised when Yeosang slides in on the seat next to him, but Yeosang isn't interested in hooking up. In fact, he says, he and Seonghwa have found a permanent play partner, so they're happily otherwise engaged now. He just wants to catch up, and to ask him about a rumor. "Word is, Jung Wooyoung got his heart broken," Yeosang says. He has a lollipop in his mouth and takes it out to wave it about.

"So what," Wooyoung says, leaning back in his seat. That comes out of left field.

"Is it true?"

He wonders if Mingi started that rumor. "Yes."

"Wo~ow, you're admitting it?" Yeosang says with a wide sweep of the pink candy. "Who's the lucky guy?"

"You don't know him."

"I kind of want to meet him," Yeosang says. "Kind of want to fuck him." His tongue guides the lollipop back in and he sucks on it while pulling it back out, producing a little pop that's actually audible over the music. Wooyoung lets out a snort, because he thought they'd parted on friendly terms so he's not sure why he's getting attitude. Yeosang's eyes slowly shift tone. "You're serious," he says. "I thought you were joking."

Wooyoung sips his beer. For a moment there, he'd made up a whole scenario where he confirms the rumor and it comes back to San that he was in love with him, and San returns to say he never meant to hurt him that badly. It's been over two months, he was moving on from this shit, how can it still hurt this much.

They get interrupted by Seonghwa bumping into Yeosang's shoulder before sitting in his lap. Yeosang doesn't react, like this happens all the time, but Seonghwa is clearly drunk. His eyes struggle a little to focus on Wooyoung.

"He says the rumor is true," Yeosang fills him in.

"You're gullible," Seonghwa informs him.

"No really."

"Is it that hard to believe?" Wooyoung asks, a little amused by the overemoted shock.

"You," Seonghwa says, and points at him, but moves his finger like he's seeing double. "You can't love someone. How could you? You think you're better than all of us. Ohhh, you never fucked him, did you? Did you actually manage to keep it in your pants long enough to get close to someone, before you fucked him and lost all respect?"

Wooyoung wonders why everyone are coming for him suddenly. "What the fuck?"

There's a moment of pity on Yeosang's face, for Wooyoung not Seonghwa, but he's too matter-of-fact to linger on it. "Seonghwa, honey…" He pushes Seonghwa up on his feet and stands.

"Wait, what the fuck," Wooyoung says, taking Seonghwa's arm, although softly because Yeosang's eyes are wary. "I told you I'm not up for relationships. We had a good time!"

"We did," Seonghwa agrees. "But let's face it, sweetie. The moment you get your dick in someone, that's all they are to you. A good time, a warm body. You wouldn't know how it feels, because emotionally, you're like a dead fish."

"Go home, you're drunk," Wooyoung snaps. "Or go get that fantastic new boyfriend of yours to fuck you back in line."

"Oh yeah, because I can't take care of myself, I'm just a stupid little bottom," Seonghwa taunts, making big, round eyes and setting a manicured finger to his lips. Then those lips open in overemoted shock. "Is that why? Did you get feelings for someone because they fucked you?"

Seonghwa is looking at him like he's exactly the stupid little bottom he just mocked, and Wooyoung's system floods with adrenaline, like his heart is aiming to pump so hard it'll burst his veins. He stands up, and he didn't give a shit before but now it's fucking annoying that Seonghwa is taller than he is. "Fuck off! What the fuck is your issue, you're the one who's so desperate you got attached to a guy because he fucked your throat well! But you can't even pick up dick without using Yeosang as bait-"

"Okay, alright, no one's winning a prize for biggest bitch tonight," Yeosang says, prying Wooyoung's hand off and guiding Seonghwa away, Seonghwa's eyes still shooting lightning. "Good luck with the heartbreak. Nice crown." They disappear into the crowd.

Wooyoung sinks down to sit again. Both hands resting around the drink in front of him on the table, he takes a deep breath. What are you ashamed of, baby? "Fuck you," he mutters to himself. He rubs his thumb over the smooth, cold glass remembering San's warm skin and wants to cry, but he's at a club, it's been two months, he's going to shake it off and get laid and go back and finish off his second year well. He's not going to fall apart in public or give San and Mingi the satisfaction of seeing him screw up. No fucking way.

Glancing around for prey, his eyes find Yeosang and Seonghwa standing further away talking to a group of people, one of them probably their boyfriend, several of them people Wooyoung's seen on campus and two of them guys he's hooked up with. Seonghwa is saying something, and nods his head in Wooyoung's direction. They all turn to stare. Motherfucker, what is he saying about him now?

"Can I sit?" a woman's voice says, and he says yes because he's so relieved to have a distraction. She sits across, and when he faces her, he realizes it's Miyoung. She's wearing a custom crown too, more branches than flowers, and has fluffed her hair into a wild fuzz. "Fancy meeting you here, handsome stranger."

He observes that he can look at her without feeling like his skin is being peeled off now, so that's progress at least. "Nice crown."

"I'm a nymph," she says, with the same shameless confidence as San displayed saying he was Captain America. "What's your name?"

"Wooyoung."

"Miyoung!" she says and holds out her hand. "We're clearly meant for each other."

He shakes her hand and tries to talk to her about other things, but she's dead set on flirting. Wooyoung isn't sure what to do here, he needs to get rid of her but the group over there are still watching him and he can't make himself stand up. "Are you here with your boyfriend?" he asks.

"Um, clearly not," she chuckles, spinning the straw in her drink. "You didn't strike me as the type that would care," she adds, smiling at his stunned expression.

She's here looking to cheat on San? Conflicting emotions surge through Wooyoung, and he knows even less what to do with this situation. He should revel in that San is getting fucked over, but instead he's furious at her. She has everything he wants, everything he needs so badly he feels like his insides should be bleeding, and she's wasting it. The daggers in his chest are back.

The decision to walk away turned out to be the easy part. The hard part involved a lot of crying, and he even stayed home from school for a week saying he was sick, afraid to run into them in the corridors. The pain was slowly replaced by emptiness, and that was worse. He woke Jongho up in the middle of the night every night for a week, feeling like the emptiness and silence would eat him. 

More than anything he'd been afraid he'd run off and throw himself at San, he knows his dorm room number although he’s never been inside. He really should have seen the warning signs, San not giving him his SNS, not letting him into his dorm, but he’d thought he was being shy and worried about getting outed. Wooyoung’s dreams have been filled with the same things asleep as awake; knocking on San's door, meeting San's eyes, crying, and San hugging him tight. Nothing more dramatic than that. He can't count how many times his hand hovered over San's number on his phone, until he finally deleted it.

Mingi has made a few attempts to bring him back. He got other people to get San and Miyoung onto Wooyoung's feed, and even pointed out Wooyoung at one of the soccer games, making San look up and meet his eyes. But Wooyoung kept blocking everyone, and San got mad at Mingi for distracting him during the game.

The random club fucks have always partly been to fill the void of the night, but now they're exclusively that, and they don't even work. Hongjoong has made him promise to not go to the clubs more than twice a week, worried about his alcohol intake and determined to see him get his degree. But he's never been drinking much and he isn't now either. He's starting to think he should stop going entirely anyway.

There's something in him that used to be cold and hard like iron, that made him invulnerable, that took what he wanted from the people he hooked up with like he'd earned it by seducing them. What was his natural behavior before, feels like playing pretend now. He feels soft and raw and exposed; San tore down all the walls but then walked away and he has no idea what to do with it.

He's tried to bottom once, out of pure desperation, but it was just as ridiculous and unsatisfying as every other time that wasn't San. In fact he'd done what he never does and let the guy finish even if he'd lost interest, and afterwards he'd felt nauseous. So he's not doing it again. Whatever San dug up in him keeps wailing in hunger, by now it's faded into constant background noise, but he has no way to feed it. No way to fill the void at night. Sleep is a luxury he's low on, lately.

So he looks at the woman who owns the only thing in the world he really wants, yet chooses to squander it, and the wailing in his gut flares up, the need lighting back on fire. He wonders if Mingi's sent her here to poke him, and thinks he's gone paranoid, like his life is some kind of psychological thriller drama. The memories coming back makes him realize the perfect way to get back at San, but it's insane. Don't do it.

"It's not that I care you have a boyfriend," he says, because plenty of his hookups have been cheaters, he's gone right ahead despite the rings still being on their fingers. He gets up to lean into her space, and she doesn't move or even flinch. "I just wanted to be sure no one was going to kick my ass for doing this." Kissing her is like setting his lips to a cup of toxin, a second of pain before they go numb. If he was hesitant before, he's dead certain now; this wouldn't be his first hate fuck, just the first woman. For a moment he wonders if he could be able to smell San off her skin. He holds his hand out and she takes it.

Then he stalls because he can't take her back to his place, San's place , and he sure as fuck can't take her to Hongjoong and Jongho's. She takes initiative instead, dragging him along to the bathrooms - the women's bathrooms, where some people outside glare at him and complain, but she tugs him along anyway. Inside a stall, she eyes the flower crown.

"You're almost too pretty to fuck," she says.

"You're not," he states, and grins when she shoves playfully at him.

"Be good, or I might bite," she teases and leans in to kiss his neck. In heels she's almost as tall as he is, and her long hair falls over the shoulder of his leather jacket as her fingers creep inside it.

Her perfume is so fucking feminine and sweet that he almost gags on it. He wants her out of his face, and she seemed to imply she was up for it, so he pushes her shoulder and she goes down easily. Her fingers get busy with his fly instead.

Wooyoung's hand has gone into his pocket and he comes up with his phone. Taking a photo from above, you can just about make out enough of Miyoung's face to tell it's her. She glances up at the sound, and he wonders if she'll be mad but she smiles and makes a V-sign while shoving her hand inside his pants properly, fully visible to the camera. He smiles just because the whole thing is so unbelievably fucked up, and snaps another.

"I like your perfume," she says.

Lowering the phone he says, "Better not go to your boyfriend right after this, he'll smell me on you." His gut burns, his dick doesn't really care whose hand is on it when his mind is filled with San.

"You like that?" she grins.

Looking directly at her, and not through the screen, that same nausea rises in his throat. He thinks the old him would have done this no problem, but he's too soft now. "I'm sorry," he says and pulls her up. "I can't, I'm too fucking drunk," he lies. He's only had two beers, and his tolerance is high.

"Aw come on," she says, but it's shallow, no hard feelings.

"Maybe it's a shame your boyfriend's not here," he says, running his finger along her jaw. "He could join in."

She just laughs. "If you were a woman I'd take you home. San - my boyfriend - likes to watch."

It takes him a second to force his face into something akin to a smile. Sure, he knew San was probably straight, but that's… very straight. "Why do you stay with him?" he asks, wondering more why she cheats, but he knows the answer to that will be because I can . Because that's his answer. Because the more time he spends with her, the more he sees how similar they are.

She shrugs and brushes her hair off her shoulder, and gets a look in her eyes he knows exactly. "Because there's no one like him," she says.

If only he could hate her, but he respects the fact that she's a proud cheating slut. They're the same, most things running off them like water off a duck, but Choi San the mortal weakness. If he was in her place, would he do the same? The only reason he's not cheated is that he's never managed to stay in a relationship long enough to get there, as Hongjoong so kindly pointed out to San. He takes her throat, careful to not scare her, and murmurs, "I wish you'd go home to him like this, and fuck him with my scent on your body."

Her eyes light up. "Yeah?" She likes the play. He would too. "Sure. This crowd is pretty bleak anyway. Give me your number, and I'll send you proof."

With his number saved down, she kisses him again before she slips out of the stall. This isn't right, he's throwing away these two months of suffering to start all over again, he won't survive another round. If San isn't the death of him, one way or another, Hongjoong will strangle him if he finds out.

He wonders what kind of proof she means. It'll probably be an hour or two at least, but he rushes out, he needs to get home before she sends him something, he has no idea how he'll feel. Fucking great, he tells himself, because at least he gets some weak sense of revenge. Mingi has already suffered, but San has waltzed right through this fucking mess untouched, he can take some shit too. He has to take his jacket off because he's burning up, and walks home through the sleeping city with it slung over his shoulder, waiting for his phone to buzz against his thigh.

Back in his apartment he grabs a beer from his mini-fridge and collapses in his chair to groan and rub his face. He shouldn't have done that, none of it, but that tiny instant of vain hope, his stupid fantasy of the rumor coming back to San like a returning pigeon… He used to smoke cigarettes, but Hongjoong whined his fucking ears off about it so he quit. The memories of San feel like when he was trying to quit smoking, like San is a drug so strong it only took a hit or two to get addicted for life.

He calls Hongjoong, restless and lonely, and asks if he can come over, but Hongjoong says it's date night. Date night was established after the fight Wooyoung didn't cause, but certainly exacerbated. It's holy, cannot be moved or interrupted for anything short of matters of life and death. It's as much about spending some time together as it's a symbol for putting each other first.

"Can I talk to Jongho for a second," he asks.

"Date night," Hongjoong repeats, annoyed.

They butted heads this morning, nothing worse than their usual bickering but Wooyoung tries to be extra civil. "Please. Just for a second."

"Are you okay?" Hongjoong says, his politeness apparently raising alarm.

"Put the love of your life on the phone."

He can virtually hear the eye roll.

"Yeah?" Jongho says.

"Oh wow," Wooyoung says, stunned, because he hadn't expected Hongjoong to be willing to play along with that. There's no way to ask this in a good way so he'll just rip the bandaid off. "I treated you right, didn't I? When we fucked."

The snorting into chuckles does not make Wooyoung feel any better right now, but Jongho says, "Yeah, sure."

"Uh, maybe you should step away from Hongjoong for just a second-"

"He's on speaker," Jongho informs him. "We just had a candlelit dinner and everything."

"Sorry."

"What is going on with you?" Hongjoong breaks in. "Did something happen?"

Jongho adds, "If you really need him to come over…"

"Calm down, I just said sorry I interrupted date night. Nothing happened. I'm fine."

There's some noise from the other end and Jongho says, "He's putting his shoes on."

"Hongjoong! Stop! I said I'm fine!" Wooyoung's phone buzzes and he freaks out, he needs to end the call right now, it might be Miyoung. "I have to go! Would you stop treating me like I'm one bad day away from jumping off a bridge?! I prioritize coffee over food once and you act like I'm trying to starve myself to death!" He's done nothing to deserve this, he has some anxiety at night but the step between that and self-harm is pretty considerable, in his opinion, and he asks for help when he needs it.

"I'll stop him," Jongho promises.

"You're the reasonable one," Wooyoung tells him. "Also I asked him to put the love of his life on the line and he handed you the phone."

Jongho is quiet for a long moment. When he speaks, his voice is unusually gentle. "Call if you can't sleep, okay?"

"Sure, if you don't mind me interrupting your fucking."

"Lovemaking," Jongho says and hangs up.

He grimaces at the phone for a second before he remembers the buzzing and checks his notifications, but it's one of his old booty calls asking if he's up to anything, and he blows him off, a little annoyed. The moment the message sends he regrets being so short. Maybe he should have said yes. Take his mind off it all. His thumbs hover indecisively for a while before he tosses the phone aside and gets up to walk a lap in the room. His body is like one of those wind-up toys loaded to the max, ready for the moment, the millisecond, it can go.

Eventually he turns on porn on the laptop, but it doesn't give him the fix he's looking for, only makes him hungry for something that's out of his reach. He shoves the laptop away to the same corner of the table as the phone, frustrated in more ways than one. He'd walked away, he was done, if that rumor… if that bitch hadn't shown up…

His phone buzzes and he dives at it. An unknown number has sent him a video and his stomach flips. It's just a couple of seconds. Fingers mangling his lower lip as if that would help him have some self control, he presses play.

The room is dusky and colorless. At the bottom is Miyoung's eyes, mostly just the whites visible, like she's holding the camera over her head. Above and behind her, spread out on his stomach in bed, is the shape of a man's body. The blanket is tangled around his legs, only that, leaving his naked back faintly lit just enough for the shadows to reveal the curves and groves of his muscles, the soft and the hard. Wooyoung knows them, his fingertips know the shape of his shoulders and the dip around his spine, and the porn was a fucking mistake.

San lifts his head to look, accidentally looking straight into the camera but away from the window where his features are so obscured it'd be impossible to identify him. Just a hint of the corner of an eye and a handsome nose. "Babe, what are you doing? Come back to bed," he mumbles, voice thick and rough, and Wooyoung's breath trembles. Miyoung winks and the video ends.

Don't fucking do it, he thinks, but was always going to do it. He slides his hand down his pants and starts the clip over, letting San's voice caress his burning skin. He moves to get on the bed but ends up sinking to his knees next to it instead, remembering San's hands guiding him there, and he rests his forehead against the mattress and sets the memories free. He goes too fast but can't slow down.

After, on his back in bed, the conversations with Yeosang, Seonghwa and Jongho come back. The group of people looking at him, with Seonghwa's lips curled around words Wooyoung can only imagine. He can't sleep, his heart keeps beating, he throws off his blankets but is still boiling and gets up to take a quick shower, probably pissing off the neighbors. It's hopeless. He drags the laptop into bed and randomly clicks around, funny cats, stupid people, soccer moments, hoping he'll get an hour or two eventually.

~10~

When Wooyoung wakes up at lunch, he's kidnapped by some friends to study together - by which they mostly mean sitting around talking shit - barely given time to get his bearings. After a while one of them says there's this rumor going around about him, and he sighs and rolls his eyes and says, yes, yes. That whips the group into a frenzy and too late he realizes Seonghwa and friends have been busy. Word travels fast. The rumor is no longer that he got his heart broken, but that someone fucked this wild dog into submission at last. His answer changes to no, no, but it's too late, he can see it in their eyes. They want to believe it, the scandal and drama, nothing he says will change that. They all want to know who. He tells them to go to hell.

He calls Hongjoong and Jongho and talk them into buying him dinner, and they hang out for a while. They haven't heard any rumors and he doesn't tell them - they'll find out soon enough, he doesn't want to talk about it. He's not by himself until late evening, returning to his place with a pizza that he plans to eat as both night food and brunch. Until this point he's kept it together decently, but he knows being by himself will be tough. He couldn't stay at Hongjoong's though. The only thing his mind is on, is opening the cursed video again and he knows he can't resist once darkness falls.

The place never really stopped feeling like San's. Maybe he should move. It's not like he likes it anyway, it's just been a hassle to find a new place. He tries to look at apartments but eventually gives up. He wants to watch the video again. Or maybe check what Mingi is up to, if there's any clues whether he started the rumor.

Trying to avoid opening the video, he unblocks Mingi and the first thing he sees is a photo from the latest away game. San has his arms in the air after scoring a goal in the final minutes of a grueling goalless trudge in the rain. He's wet and dirty and so, so tired, and Mingi is hugging him and pressing a kiss to his cheek, squishing an exhausted smile out of him.

Fuck them, and fuck how happy they look. San is definitely with Miyoung but maybe he's fucking Mingi too, behind her back, why not? If she's cheating, why wouldn't he? And San wrecked Wooyoung's whole life and walked away scot free; Mingi already paid his price but San is untouched, he's got his team and his friends and he's still oblivious to his cheating girlfriend. Fuck Choi San. He finds San in the list and sends "Fuck you. Maybe I should tell people what you did."

After a long while of him staring at his phone, wondering what he wanted to accomplish with that, he gets back, "I'm sorry."

No, no it's not going to be that fucking easy, he's not getting away with some minimum effort apology. Not even face to face but a fucking text message? Pain and rage burning like lava in his chest, he types very meticulously, "Maybe I should show everyone this," and attaches the photos of him and Miyoung in the bathroom stall, and presses Send. His anger is too hot for regret to get a foothold, so he tosses the phone aside and turns on some music on the laptop and spreads out on his bed for a while, drowning in the beats. His phone buzzes a lot but he ignores it.

After a while he's cooled down enough to dare to look at his phone. The only one that's written to him is Hongjoong, several messages the last hour, getting more insistent, until the last one, "I'm coming to pick you up." Wooyoung writes back that he's fine, he was studying, don't bother, but judging from the timestamps, Hongjoong is probably here already. Like on cue, there's a knock on his door and he sighs and goes to open.

San's eyes are cold and hard as ice. He shoves Wooyoung in the chest, making him stumble backwards, and comes inside. Wooyoung is fucking on , he's fucking on fire, San's perfume fills the air around him like a silent killing gas. San has cut his hair, and the shorter hair makes him look even more intimidating, Wooyoung's heart is racing and pushing all his blood to his groin in an instant although more likely San is here to kick the shit out of him.

"You stay the fuck away from Miyoung," San says, and Wooyoung thinks it's a shame he's wearing that varsity jacket because he wants to see San's biceps swell.

"She came to me," he pipes up.

San snorts, like that's ridiculous. "Don't involve her in this shit," he growls.

"She came on to me!" Wooyoung insists. "I half thought Mingi had sicced her on me to start your fucked up games again!"

"I don't care who did what, you keep your fucking hands off her!"

"You're not even surprised she hit on me? Or you don't believe me? She had the whole club to pick from, but she chose the guy she knows is on campus, like she's rubbing it in your face!"

San comes forward and Wooyoung tries to back away but just slams his heel against the closed bathroom door, the sound startling him. Next he knows San has grabbed a handful of his shirt and slammed him against the door to repeat, "You stay the fuck away from Miyoung." Wooyoung wishes he'd kiss him, but he'd settle for being hit. In fact, San beating him up seems like the perfect end to this miserable venture. "Are you listening to me!" San shakes him.

With the ambition to get punished, Wooyoung says, "I pounded your little bitch girlfriend. Even if it was pretty hard to get it up for her flat ass."

Rage cools into disgust and San shoves him away. "Are you drunk?"

Wooyoung is not, but the shove makes him stumble a little over his own feet. "Can't stand that a gay guy fucked her better than you?" he questions. "Do you, even? Or are you on too many steroids to get it up anymore?"

"What the fuck are you trying to do? I know you didn't fuck."

"Is that what she told you?"

"Wooyoung. I know her and-"

"She's a cheating bitch!"

"-and I know you," San says, meeting his eyes. "You couldn't fuck a woman if your life depended on it."

He snorts because it's true. "So should I tell her you asked her for space so you could fuck your bestie's ex? Afraid your girlfriend will find out you're dipping boy-pussy on the side?"

His grin doesn't have the effect he wants. San looks, if anything, disgusted, or maybe like he pities Wooyoung. "I'm sorry," he says and turns towards the door.

"Fuck you." San is not going to turn his back on him again. Never again. "Are you afraid she'll find out what a fucking monster you are?" Wooyoung growls, and the daggers are back, carving his heart out. "Lying that you like me so you can fuck me up? You think she'll like that you used her to rub it in my face? Well, she's too busy filling her cunt with big filthy dicks to care."

"If you're mad at me, then come at me," San snaps. "Leave her out of this."

"Why, because your cheating girlfriend is too pure and fragile to hear about it?" he keeps provoking. "You don't fuck her like you did me, do you. You spoil her, play the perfect boyfriend, act! Because this is the real you, isn't it?" He gestures towards his own bed, or maybe to himself, the testament to what San can do. "Should I tell her you raped me?"

San spins around, flying forward, but instead of the punch Wooyoung is hoping for, San shoves him back against the wall again, holding him there, pointing at his face. "I did not fucking rape you, and you better not say that to anyone!"

"Or what, you'll beat me up?" Wooyoung says. "I can show her the photos of the bruises. You want to see them?" He fishes out his phone and San swipes it out of his hand, making it fall to the floor. "Hey!"

"I am an asshole," San growls between clenched teeth, "and I lied to you and set you up, and fucked you over and rubbed it in your face, but I did not fucking rape you! You liked what we did, and I'd never have done it otherwise!"

"Is it difficult to swallow?" Wooyoung taunts. "That you're a rapist."

A half dozen expressions fly by on San's face, most of them frustration. "They will kick me off the team just on the accusation! Are you just trying to rile me up or have you actually said this to people? Wooyoung, tell me you haven't fucking told people I assaulted you!"

"Oh? Wasn't that what it was all about," Wooyoung says, happy to keep pushing the button now that he's found it. "Trying to force me to say I wanted you to do it, so you didn't have to feel guilty for attacking me."

San groans, more like the growl of a caged lion, and grabs Wooyoung's shirt so hard it hurts, getting right up in his face to roar, "Answer me! Have you fucking told people-"

"The only thing I've told anyone," Wooyoung whispers, and feels his eyes tear up, "is that you broke my heart." He can't cry, San will leave, he'll fall to pieces again, but there's no stopping it.

That starry sky of pain is in San's eyes again. Both to not see it, and not let San see his tears, he takes a step forward to cry into his shoulder. It's exactly like in his dreams, San is warm and his scent is exactly as he remembers, and San wraps him into a firm hug. "I'm sorry," San mumbles in his hair. "I am."

After a while Wooyoung starts thinking there must be a limit to San's patience, although San has made no move to break the hug. He'd rather end it himself than get pushed away, so he steps back and wipes his eyes.

"Don't cry any more," San coos gently, hand sweeping over his hair.

"Why couldn't you just give me a little time," Wooyoung says, as if their relationship had been real, and Mingi didn't exist.

"I'm sorry," San repeats, and Wooyoung sees his eyes flicker as he thinks. A moment later, he's playing along. "It wasn't about that. My friends won't accept you. Everyone thinks I'm straight. Your friends said you weren't serious about me. I was a coward, and needed out before I started caring too much about you."

"Did you actually like me?" Wooyoung asks, and he's not sure what he thinks it will mean because San is clearly playing a part now too, but he can't stop himself.

San's gentle caress of his hair shifts, his fingers close around Wooyoung's nape, and then San's breath hits his lips. "So fucking much," he whispers, barely loud enough to hear, and kisses him. Wooyoung is trembling from the first second, giving up a surprised moan and then melting against the wall. He tugs on San's jacket and San throws it off, still latched onto Wooyoung's lips like he can't breathe without him. When he comes back, he does it all the way, pressing their bodies together.

"Not straight?" Wooyoung recalls, not having really registered it before. "Not straight, that's bullshit, you- you're lying again, leading me on, I-"

San smiles faintly. He takes Wooyoung's hand and guides it to the front of his pants. "This feel like a lie to you?"

"You're so hard," Wooyoung mumbles, struggling to take it in, but all the same undoing San's fly because that feels like it'd be uncomfortable.

"Wooyoung," San says, catching his hands trying to dig into his pants. "Are you drunk? Really?"

He shakes his head. If he seems a bit out of it, it's for non-alcoholic reasons. But San is holding his hands away, and Wooyoung can see the internal conflict on his face. "Don't you fucking dare," he says, and his voice is a little ragged with the desperation he feels. If this is his only chance, and San backs out because he's having some crisis of conscience and suddenly worries about Wooyoung's mental state, he'll fall apart, he'll lose his mind, it can't happen. "Don't you fucking dare kiss me and then walk out again, San."

San stares into his eyes for a good while, holding his hands, before he says, "I'm sorry," again. Wooyoung doesn't know if he means for the past or for now, all that matters is that it's not a refusal; San is leading him into the room. He pushes San to back up to the bed until he sits down on it, and is pulled into his lap to make out. San is moving so insanely slowly, Wooyoung gets up to toss his own clothes off and then strip him, to get this on the road. With full access, San seems intent to get both his hands and his lips on each individual patch of his skin, and Wooyoung is suffering, so impatient he's vibrating.

"San," he complains, pushing and pulling and getting San on top of himself in the bed. San's eyes are glazed over with desire, barely open, and so warm when Wooyoung tears up a little. He's afraid to try to ask for what he wants because what if he can't? "San. San!"

"Why are you saying my name a hundred times," San wonders.

Because he can. Say my name. "San."

"What?" San asks, a little amused.

Wooyoung tugs on him, frustrated because why isn't he getting it. Oh right, his full name. "Choi San," he says and the dark eyes meeting his seem to swirl like smoke with passion like a volcano erupting. A hand sets down over Wooyoung's throat and he leans his head back, giving permission in every way he can come up with that isn't words, but the next second San has reigned it back and packed it down and the hand stays soft. Wooyoung wants to scream in frustration. "Fine, let me do it," he threatens.

This works, perhaps he's awoken competitiveness. A small smirk appears on San's lips, so damned handsome. "You think you can?" he taunts.

"Sure," Wooyoung claims, pretty sure of the opposite, and tries to heave himself up from the bed to roll them over.

San's hand immediately clamps down over his throat and Wooyoung gets nowhere. His pulse races again, thundering in his ears. San gets a knee over the inside of his thigh to pin him where he is, and reaches to search his bookshelf for the lube he knows is there.

Wooyoung squirms because San has put his entire weight on that knee. He's not sure what this real San is like. What if he's trying to be nice, what if he doesn't understand? What if real San isn't like that at all, and he only did it to punish him? He needs it so badly. The need itself is so huge it scares him. He paws on San aimlessly, not sure how to communicate that there's a hole inside him shaped like San, that only he can fill.

"Don't worry," San says, determined now. "I've got you, kitten. I'll fuck you so you know where you belong, until one look is enough to make you spread your legs for me." He finds what he's searching for and leans down over Wooyoung to speak against his lips. "I'll fuck you to pieces, and then fuck you back together again. And if you can look me in the eye and tell me you didn't like it, when I'm done with you, then I'll actually believe you."

"Please," Wooyoung breathes again, and lets his head fall back as his eyes fall shut. The first, and most harmless, of the things San will have inside him tonight forces its way into his body.

Parts of it is a haze of need so strong that later Wooyoung isn't sure of anything other than that San's will and San's voice guides him through the mist to come out on the other side. Some of it that he does remember he wishes he could forget. He's laid panting on his back when San shows up and he hadn't noticed him leaving, and for a second he realizes if San had actually gone he wouldn't have been able to stop him.

"Stay," he asks and takes the extended hand to sit up on the bed. His legs feel a little shaky.

San nods and hands over a glass of water. "Do you need anything?"

Cradling the water glass in his hands, not sure why he accepted it because he's not thirsty, Wooyoung shakes his head. All he wants is San staying, but asking again will seem too needy.

"Baby, drink some water." San sits down next to him, not touching.

Not sure why he's doing that either, Wooyoung takes a mouthful and feels how thirsty he actually is. He drinks the whole glass and his head feels a lot clearer. Nonsensically shy with San watching him very closely, he keeps his eyes down on the glass.

"Hurting anywhere?"

Everywhere. "No." He stands up and heads for the bathroom, and San slides in next to him to support him. He opens the shower door for him, even turns on the water. When Wooyoung just stands there with his head turned up at the stream, San works shampoo into his hair, then continues to wash his body.

Aftercare. San is doing aftercare, Wooyoung thinks, watching San gently rub one of his arms and then the other. He's done it himself occasionally, usually only when they've asked him to, but he'd thought they were tired, he hadn't realized how it felt. It feels like a promise to take responsibility for the things he's laid claim to. It's even more emotional because both previous times, San walked out, and Wooyoung understands now that this was what was missing, and why it felt so horrible that he went. This is the fine sandpaper, smoothing the surface, after the saw and the rasp has torn and dug him open. He cries, letting the water swallow his tears.

San touches his shoulder. "Can I-" he doesn't get further before Wooyoung has walked into his arms to cry into his skin, "hug you."

"Sorry," Wooyoung mumbles, when he's got no more tears to cry. "I-I couldn't say it. I will! But it… I just…"

"Baby…" Maybe it's water that San blinks out of his eyes, or maybe it's something else. He searches for words for a moment, then changes course. "Let's sit down." He helps Wooyoung dry off a bit and comes along; they sit on the bed since there's only one chair. San has brought the towel and keeps drying him until he presses his lips to Wooyoung's shoulder. A glance up at his face to check in is followed by another kiss, this one to his collarbone.

While sore and sensitive, Wooyoung feels warm and cozy after the shower. He tips back in the bed and San immediately follows, getting on top, to keep kissing his way down his chest and abdomen. Until Wooyoung flies up. "No, no, no, wait!"

They need to talk about things. This fantasy has been amazing, but reality is waiting. But more than any of that, he's not sure he can get off again - ever, really - and San's soft touches are both great and terrible and he's not sure what he wants.

San has stopped, waiting for the decision. "What do you want, babe?" he asks, when Wooyoung doesn't get anywhere.

It's the exact same babe as he said to Miyoung in the video. It hurts, but looking into San's eyes that pain is nearly like pleasure, because San is here with him. Even if it's just for five minutes, San chooses him.

"Wooyoung," San calls his attention back. He says, "What do you want?" and Wooyoung smiles a little, understanding the genius of San's system.

"Choi San."

~To Be Continued...~