Chapter Text
AFTER
Buck didn’t feel like himself, lying in the hospital bed.
Of course he didn’t feel like himself. He hadn’t felt like himself in months.
But he wasn’t pregnant anymore.
Eddie and Maddie were in the room, leaning over a bassinet Buck hadn’t even glanced into.
“What are you going to call him, Buck?” Maddie’s voice echoed. She sounded like she was far, far away.
Buck didn’t feel right. He didn’t want to answer, and so he didn’t.
Buck had learned to be at peace with the final month of his pregnancy. So much of that had been relief. Pretty soon, he wasn’t going to be pregnant anymore, and things would go back to normal.
And there he was. Not pregnant.
But a few feet away from him, there was a baby.
There would be no going back to normal.
Buck went home. And for three days, he layed in bed.
Even though guilt was eating him alive every time he watched Eddie get out of bed to feed or soothe or hold the baby. Buck’s baby. Not Eddie’s.
Buck’s.
Even though Buck didn’t even want to look at the kid, he wished he could just so they could stop pretending all of this was normal and fine.
“Are you hungry?” Eddie cooed at the baby, who screeched back at him. “Yeah, I bet. C’mon, tough guy, let’s get you something to eat.”
Buck watched as Eddie carefully reached down and carefully pulled the baby into his arms like it was the easiest thing in the world.
Why wasn’t Buck able to do that?
“I’m sorry.” Buck said, trying his best not to cry as he sat up.
“Hey,” Eddie whipped his head around and frowned at Buck. “What do you have to be sorry for?”
“You’re doing everything,” Buck bit the inside of his cheek. “I’m–he’s my baby and I’m not even helping. I’m so sorry, you shouldn’t have to do all of this. It’s too much. It’s–”
“Hey, hey, hey. I love him, Buck,” Eddie interrupted, placing the baby back in the crib. “I love him so much. It’s nothing–it’s, it’s good. I want to take care of him because I love him. And you know what? I think you might too. If you let yourself.”
“Why?” Buck croaked out. “He’s not yours. He’s—“
“He’s you, Buck. He’s yours. And he’s beautiful. And you made him all by yourself. That’s incredible,” Eddie looked Buck right in the eyes. “You did something amazing.”
“I didn’t ask for him, though,” Buck said, a hitch in his throat. “I didn’t want him.”
“I know,” Eddie said, keeping himself a good foot from the bed, careful to give Buck space if he didn’t want the contact. “And I am so sorry that you didn’t have a choice.”
Buck didn’t know what to say to that, at first. He wanted to say it’s okay, that it wasn’t Eddie’s fault. But also, Eddie wasn’t blaming himself. He was just sorry. Sorry that Buck hadn’t been given the basic courtesy of bodily autonomy.
“Thanks,” Buck sniffled. “Me too. I’m really sorry I didn’t have a choice.”
“Fuck those aliens.” Eddie said, finally coming closer and sitting down next to Buck on the bed. It was so earnest and true that Buck couldn’t help but crack a smile.
“Yeah,” Buck agreed. “Fuck those aliens. I mean, I guess I already kinda did.”
“Buck!” Eddie exclaimed, lightly shoving his shoulder. “Don’t–”
“What’s the point in a traumatic experience if I can’t make jokes about it?” Buck almost whined, and Eddie glared at him.
“I don’t like that joke.” Eddie mumbled.
“Sorry.” Buck sighed, leaning over and resting his head on Eddie’s shoulder.
“It’s okay.” Eddie replied. Buck could feel Eddie’s voice, vibrating off his skin.
It was nice.
The baby was seven days old, and Buck still felt like he was underwater.
But people were coming over.
“If you’re not feeling up to it,” Eddie said in a low voice. “We can tell them it’s too soon. Really, after COVID, most people don’t have people meet their kids for weeks.”
“They’re just going to keep asking.” Buck said. He felt numb. Maybe he would feel like that forever, he thought. There wasn’t any point in waiting until he was up for it if he was never going to be up for it.
This was just life now. Might as well get used to it.
“Okay,” Eddie said. “Just, uh…do you maybe want to take a shower? And put on some clean clothes?”
“Right,” Buck nodded. “Right. Yeah, I’ll go…do that.”
Fuck, he was a mess, wasn’t he? He wondered how long Eddie had been waiting to tell him to shower. And they slept in the same bed.
The hot water felt nice, though.
Everyone was seated around their living room, and Buck watched as Athena passed around hand sanitizer and everyone lathered up. They were all excited, Buck noticed. Talking in hushed tones, waiting for Eddie to come out with the baby.
Maddie had already held the baby of course, at the hospital. And Chimney had seen him. But everyone else that had come–Bobby, Athena, Hen, and Karen, would be meeting him for the first time.
They were all so excited.
Buck couldn’t feel it, himself. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to.
And so, Buck was sitting in silence, waiting for it all to be over. If he just sat there and didn’t think maybe it would be like it wasn’t happening. Maybe they would all just forget Buck was even there.
It seemed like it might work–for a second there. When Eddie brought out the baby and they all crowded around and counted his fingers and toes. It was like Buck didn’t exist. The baby was–thank god–stealing all of everyone’s attention.
But then, as the baby was in Athena’s arms, he started wailing.
“Oh!” Athena said. “Oh, I’m sorry, baby boy. I think someone wants his daddy.” She said it while walking towards Buck.
Wait. Was she about to hand him the baby? Buck’s heart started pounding, and he felt lightheaded. He hadn’t held the baby, and he didn’t want to hold the baby. He wasn’t ready to–
“I got him,” Eddie interjected, inserting himself between Athena and Buck, taking from her arms before she could get anywhere near Buck. “Hi,” Eddie cooed at the baby. “It’s alright, you’re okay.”
And everyone should have looked at Eddie–right? They should have been focusing on Eddie and the baby. Not Buck, anything but Buck.
But everyone was looking at him.
“Buck, are you feeling okay?” Bobby asked, and got up to move over to him. “You look a little pale.”
Buck didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t sure he even could say anything.
“I…” Buck tried to speak, but no words could come out of his mouth. All he could hear was the baby wailing and he could feel the eyes of everyone in the room on him.
He couldn’t do it.
Buck got up and walked down the hall, ignoring the protests and hands that reached out to him. It was too much, and Buck couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t listen to the baby cry and watch everyone’s disappointed faces as they saw how bad he was failing. How
They were probably debating who would go after him, who would be the one to check on him.
If Buck played his cards right, maybe he could be asleep by the time whoever it was made it to the bedroom.
Maddie was sitting with Buck on his couch drinking tea. She had invited herself over and Eddie had left, taking the time to go run errands. Buck hated the thought that he couldn’t be left alone. That he needed a babysitter. That his baby needed a babysitter, because he was so useless he couldn’t manage to do anything himself.
It should have pushed him to get up and do something about it. To fight to be better. Buck was somebody who never gave up. It wasn’t in his nature.
But Buck wasn’t really Buck anymore, he didn’t think.
“Are you feeling any better?” Maddie asked. She reached over and rubbed the top of Buck’s hand.
“I’m fine.” Buck said, and he knew it wasn’t believable but he didn’t know what else to say. He had been hoping she wasn’t going to ask, but he knew she would.
“Buck, I…” Maddie swallowed. “You’re not fine.”
“Maddie.” Buck said. He wanted it to be a warning. It probably didn’t sound like one.
“You’re not. I know how you’re feeling, and–”
“How could you possibly know what I’m feeling?” Buck asked. He didn’t look at her. He knew she would look so sad, and he didn’t want to look at her.
“I can’t,” Maddie sighed. “I can’t, at all, even imagine the things you have been through. I know that. But what’s happening right now? The feeling when you look at a baby–when you look at your baby, and you just feel…hopeless? Empty? I know that feeling. I know what that feels like, and I can see it in your eyes and I don’t want you to be hurting. I don’t want you to feel alone.”
“It’s different, Maddie,” Buck said. “I’m not…this is different from your stuff.”
“It’s different and it’s the same,” Maddie said. “And I don’t want to say anything but I have to Buck because I can see you drowning and I can’t just stand here and do nothing.” Her eyes were full of tears and her voice was wavering and Buck should have felt something but he couldn’t.
He couldn’t feel anything but numb. Hollow. He let Maddie hug him, and he let her cry, but he didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
Buck just didn’t have anything to say.
“I want you to see a therapist, Buck,” Maddie whispered. “I know you don’t want to and I know you don’t think it’s going to help, but you have to talk to somebody.”
Buck didn’t say anything. Because he didn’t have anything to say.
“Buck,” Maddie croaked out, like a prayer. “Please.”
He didn’t have anything to say. That was, until, Maddie pulled away and Buck glanced up at her tear-stained face.
Suddenly, he felt something.
“Okay.” Buck finally said, nodding.
And then, his sister smiled. She stopped crying, and she reached over to hold him again. And for a second, Buck felt like he did something almost-right.
Buck went to take a shower. Well, more like Eddie forced him out of bed to go take a shower. It was a good idea. It had been a few days.
He was probably starting to smell.
Eddie was–somewhere. Probably doing laundry or something with the baby monitor hanging off his belt. Because Buck couldn’t do anything but lay in bed, somehow, and Eddie was left to do everything.
Buck wanted things to be different. He wanted things to be better. He wanted to stop burdening Eddie with a million responsibilities. He wanted his sister to stop crying when she looked at him. He wanted to be able to smile and laugh and cook and be useful.
But when he got out of the shower, he couldn’t fathom doing anything but going back to bed. Only he didn’t make it to the bed, because he made it to the hallway before realizing their bedroom door was open. And it wasn’t empty.
Christopher was in their bedroom.
And he was talking. To the baby.
“I’m sorry that Buck is sad right now,” Christopher whispered. “But he’s going to be okay. Sometimes people get sad for a little bit.”
Buck froze, becoming so still he wasn’t even sure if he was still breathing.
“And when he’s not sad anymore, he’s going to be a really good dad. I promise he’s actually really good. He’s just sad. But people aren’t sad forever.” Christopher continued, and Buck felt faint. Maybe a little panicked.
“You’re gonna be okay, kid.” Christopher said, and after that Buck couldn’t hear anything but his own heartbeat pounding in his ears. Over and over and over again.
He hoped to god Chris was right. The baby had to be okay. Even if Buck couldn’t be. Even if Buck could never be okay again.
The baby had to be okay. This was all Buck thought about as he turned around, heading away from the bedroom to be anywhere else. Christopher couldn’t know he heard that–because Christopher believed in him. Believed that Buck could one day be okay and be a good father and maybe even be happy again.
But Buck wasn’t that. Not right now. And he didn’t think he could look Chris in the eyes after hearing that. He couldn’t pretend. And he couldn’t give him too much hope. He was already letting down one of his kids. To let down both of them?
Buck wasn’t sure he knew how to survive that.
Buck had no plans to hold the baby anytime soon.
He wasn’t sure what his problem was–he knew how to hold a baby. He held babies all the time. He had delivered enough of them.
But he couldn’t pick up his own baby. And he was starting to feel like it was never going to happen. Because it had been almost three weeks, and Eddie was still doing everything and Buck was feeling less like a human being and more like a husk. He had spent so long thinking about how those aliens had put something inside of him, but he was starting to feel like there were parts missing, too.
Like they had taken parts of him that he was never going to get back. Like whatever part of him that knew how to pick up and take care of a helpless child–a child who hadn’t done anything wrong–was broken. Buck felt like he was so, so broken.
But maybe Buck should have had a little bit more faith in himself.
If he had thought about it–if he hadn’t been operating on autopilot–Buck probably wouldn’t have been able to do it. Except he did, because it happened like this: Eddie had stepped out of the room. He was down the hall making eggs. Buck had stayed in bed. Buck stayed in bed most of the time lately. He was doing nothing. He was thinking nothing, too.
When the baby started crying from the crib at the end of the bed, Buck got up and reached down, picking him up and pressing him to his chest, trying to soothe him and stop the tiny screams coming from his mouth.
The baby was in his arms before he had realized what he had done. And then–he was frozen.
What the hell?
“Eddie!” Buck called out. “Eddie, Eddie. Come here!”
Buck didn’t move, scared that if he did he would fall apart, or that the baby would start to cry, or that someway somehow Buck would ruin this. If he ruined this, he might never be able to do it ever again.
“What?” Eddie called back, footsteps getting louder and coming faster than Buck thought was humanly possible–not that their house was that big to begin with. “What’s wrong? What’s happening, do you need–oh.”
“I–I did it,” Buck said. His throat felt dry. “I did it. I’m holding him. I don’t know how, but he was crying and so I…” Buck trailed off. “He stopped crying. When I picked him up.”
“Oh,” Eddie said, not bothering to hide his grin. “Oh, okay. Um, do you need me to–”
“No,” Buck interrupted. “No, I don’t need you to do anything, I just…I wanted you to see. To make sure that it was really happening.”
“Okay.” Eddie bit his lip.
“Yeah.” Buck agreed.
They stood there in silence for a moment. There was something in the air that Buck couldn’t really name. He was uncertain about it all. But when he looked up at Eddie’s face, all he saw was hope.
“I think the eggs are going to burn if I stand here much longer, so–”
“I’m fine.” Buck said, and so Eddie left.
Buck stood there, holding his baby, waiting for him to drift back to sleep. He held him and he held him and he waited for something bad to happen.
But nothing did. The baby drifted back to sleep.
Nothing bad ever happened. Buck played that thought in his head on a loop.
The next morning, Buck had made and fed the baby breakfast before Eddie even got out of bed.
It was strange, and Buck kept on having to force himself to stop thinking about it so he could just do the next step. Heat up the milk. Test it on your arm. Get the baby to latch onto the bottle. Success.
He didn’t feel like he was feeding his baby for the first time–there was no magical moment that made him feel like everything he had gone through was worth it. But he did feel like he was doing something right. He was doing what he was supposed to do, what he had to do. Buck was taking care of his baby, and it made him feel a little bit less like a worthless sack of shit.
It felt even better when Eddie walked in, saw them, and beamed like the sun was shining out of every edge of Buck’s face.
Later that day, after a long, long conversation, Eddie called Bobby and told him he was ready to go back to work.
Life kept going.
“Sebastian.” Buck said, cornering Eddie in the entryway as soon as he walked in the door.
“I—Sorry, what was that?”
“Sebastian,” Buck repeated. “It’s a saint’s name. Like—“
“Like Christopher.” Eddie smiled at the ground.
“Is that good?” Buck asked. “Do you think it’s stupid, that I–”
“It’s perfect,” Eddie said, wrapping Buck up in an all encompassing hug. “I love it.”
“Are you sure? Because I really need you to like the name.”
“I love the name,” Eddie promised. “Sebastian is perfect.”
Before letting go, Eddie pressed a kiss to Buck’s cheek and it almost felt perfectly normal until Buck realized that had never happened before and his mind started to race with a million thoughts at once.
Eddie walked down the hallway like nothing had even happened, and Buck was left in the entryway trying to think about anything else other than the feeling of Eddie’s lips against his own.
“Hey.” Buck said awkwardly, standing in the doorway of the kitchen.
“Hi.” Eddie said, turning off the food processor. Inexplicably, he had gotten really into making all of Sebastian’s baby food himself, saying he didn’t trust the chemicals in the store bought stuff. Buck would have teased him for being so paranoid if it didn’t also save them so much money.
“So,” Buck said. “I, uh, have a question.”
“And what would that be?”
“I was just thinking,” Buck continued. “What are you going to tell your next girlfriend when she finds out you’re already raising two children with another guy?”
Eddie was only silent for a few seconds. To Buck, they felt like an eternity.
“Buck,” Eddie looked at him with wide eyes. “I wasn’t really planning on ever having another girlfriend.”
“Oh,” Buck said. He hadn’t expected it, but a wave of relief washed over him. “Okay. Uh—me either. By the way.”
“Okay,” Eddie said, and Buck saw him suppress a smile, his cheeks flushing a little. “Glad we’re on the same page, then.”
Buck didn’t even bother to hide his own grin.
Whatever happened next, Buck knew it was going to be okay. Because Eddie would be there. And they would do whatever it was together.
“How’s my favourite nephew?” Buck could hear Chimney sing on the other side of the room.
Buck was folding laundry–it seemed like there was an endless amount of it now. How did something so small produce so many stains? Buck focused on rolling up tiny clothes, only vaguely listening to Chimney rambling on.
Whatever Chimney was saying–or doing–it was making Sebastian giggle. The sound of his son’s laughter made Buck feel all warm inside, and as hard as this had been–as hard as it still was–Buck already couldn’t believe there had been a time not so long ago when he wouldn’t have wanted to hear it.
Things were getting better. Buck was getting better. Day by day.
But of course, having a baby wasn’t always warmth and giggles.
Chimney’s singsongy voice was abruptly halted when a loud and wet noise came out of Sebastian. And it didn’t come from his mouth.
“Oh, god,” Chimney said. “Who knew my favourite nephew was capable of making my least favourite smell?”
“Sorry,” Buck said, abandoning the laundry and moving across the room. “Sorry. I’ll take him.”
“Buck, it’s fine,” Chimney looked at him with an odd expression on his face and refused to hand the baby over. “I can change him. You don’t have to stop what you’re doing.”
“Thank you for offering,” Buck said, reaching out to take Sebastian. “But you don’t have to. It’s really not your problem.”
“What?” Chimney asked, still clutching his nephew in his arms. “Buck, stop it. Don’t say that.”
“Don’t say what?” Buck asked. He was being nice, what could he have possibly said that–
“Don’t tell me my nephew isn’t my problem,” Chimney explained. “How would you feel if I told you Jee-Yun wasn’t your problem?”
“Come on, Chimney,” Buck said. “You know that’s not what I meant. And it’s not like I’m related to Jee in the same way you’re related to Sebastian.”
“It is the same,” Chimney argued. “It’s the same to me. Don’t make it complicated, Buck. You’re my brother and this is your child. Now tell me where you keep the diaper bag so I can go change my nephew.”
“I, uh–” Buck swayed a little. “It’s by the front door. But there’s more in the bathroom.”
“Thank you,” Chimney said. “Now go back to your laundry.”
Buck did.
His therapist recommended the support group. The email invitation Buck received was titled ‘Support for Victims of Extraterrestrial Insemination’.
It was laughable, really. It didn’t seem real.
But it was. That’s what Buck was, he kept reminding himself. A victim of extraterrestrial insemination.
He wasn’t sure about the whole thing, hovering in the hallway. But he wasn’t about to turn around and go home and tell Eddie that no, he actually was too chicken-shit to step inside and feel the pitying look of his big brown eyes.
So, Buck took a breath and walked into the room.
“Hi,” Buck greeted the woman standing by the table with name tags. “Uh, I’m Buck.”
“Hi Buck,” Said the woman, writing out his name on a tag and handing it to him. “Nice to meet you. I’m Paloma. I’m glad you could join us today.”
Buck thanked her and sat down, waiting anxiously as the chairs in the circle around him started filling up. There were people older than him and people younger than him. People of all genders and races. They looked nothing like Buck. They probably shared almost nothing with each other, except for this one horrible thing that had happened to them all.
What did I do to deserve this? That’s what Buck had been asking himself. What did I do to get picked?
There had been a kind of guilt eating away at him this whole time, wondering what he had done that made him a target.
But looking around the room, Buck just couldn’t fathom that every single person in it had made the same foolish mistakes that he had in life. So maybe it wasn’t something that he had done. Maybe it was just something that happened.
That didn’t seem like a possibility before he saw all of these unfamiliar faces. By the time all the chairs had filled out, it was all Buck could think about. There was just no way all of these people–all these perfectly nice looking people–had done something to spite the universe.
So maybe he hadn’t, either.
He hadn’t been sure what he was going to say when he first agreed to go. But maybe he would start with that.
“May, what’s all—” Eddie started to ask when he answered the door to find that while Bobby and Athena were holding the expected dishes of food, May was carrying multiple shopping bags with the words Baby Gap written on them.
“I got outfits. For Sebastian.” May explained, moving past her parents and into the house.
“You didn’t have to—” Eddie started, and was interrupted by Athena.
“We already tried to tell her. But she got so excited at the thought of dressing up that little baby, I don’t think I could have stopped her if I handcuffed her and threw her in the back of my patrol car.”
“You’re in college,” Eddie continued, despite Athena’s explanation. “You should be saving your money.” May ignored him, looking around the room in an attempt to find Sebastian.
“I do save my money,” May said. “I save my money so I can use it for fun things like dressing up my nephew. Where is he?”
Just then, Buck walked in from the hallway carrying Sebastian and May marched over to them like it would kill her to be apart from the baby for another singular second.
“Hi May!” Buck chirped. “Uh, what’s that?”
“I got Sebastian clothes,” May explained. “Can I dress him up?”
“That’s so nice of you,” Buck smiled. “Sure, we can go try them on.”
“See,” May said, turning back to Eddie before following Buck back down the hallway. “Someone knows how to say thank you.”
“I–” Eddie started to defend himself, but was drowned out by Bobby’s laughter.
On a day when the A-shift was off work, Buck left Sebastian at home with Eddie to spend some much needed time away from home. Not that he didn’t love Eddie and the kids, but he was starting to feel like he was less of a person and more of a human washcloth for sweet-potato flavoured barf.
Luckily, Hen was more than happy to host him. And supply the tequila.
“Your tolerance has gone way down.”
“Shut up,” Buck slurred. “That was the longest I’ve gone without drinking since I was sixteen years old.”
“We’re just going to have to build it back up, then.” Hen grinned.
“That is a challenge I will happily take on.” Buck said. Buck hadn’t really missed alcohol that much. Really, he could live without it. If anything, Buck realized he didn’t really need the beer he and Eddie had been so frequently indulging in before he was abducted.
It’s not like they hadn’t drank once or twice since Sebastian was born, but the fridge was no longer always stocked with beer. It was a change, but not one that felt like a decision they had made. Maybe they were just getting older. Maybe it was because they had a baby. Or maybe they decided there was nothing all that special about their mid-tier beer.
But there was something special about this, Buck had decided. About doing shots in the middle of the day in his friend’s dining room for no reason. It was silly and immature and exactly what Buck needed.
“You know what? I missed you.” Hen hummed, leaning down on the dining room table.
“I wasn’t dead. I just wasn’t at work.” Buck snorted.
“No, no—I know. That’s just—that’s not what I meant.”
“What did you mean?”
“I meant…” Hen hesitated. “You just weren’t with us for a minute there. But you’re coming back to us, I think. You’re doing better.”
“I am doing better,” Buck agreed. “My body feels like…it’s mine again? Or like I’m getting there. Like, I’m not going to sleep wondering if I’m going to wake up somewhere else.”
“Yeah,” Hen said, looking at him with big, sad eyes. How come everyone Buck knew have such big, sad eyes? “Was that…something that was happening?”
“For a while,” Buck admitted. “It got easier. After I moved in with Eddie, I mean–we slept in the same bed, still do, but—when I woke up in the middle of the night I could hear him breathing and it just, like, reminded me. That I was okay.”
“Fuck,” Hen said. “I’m just…I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I mean you hear about it but you never think it’ll happen to you. Or your family.”
“I’m sorry it happened, too.” Buck said. “But then, when I think that I feel awful, because if it didn’t happen Sebastian wouldn’t be here—and it’s not like I want to wish him away, I just wish that—“
“It’s complicated,” Hen said. “You can be sorry it happened and still feel…I don’t know. Both things can be true.”
“Yeah,” Buck said. “It helps that basically everyone in my support group feels the exact same way. It makes me feel less crazy.”
“Hmmm,” Hen hummed. “Yeah.”
“Yeah,” Buck sighed, then smiled a little. “I think we might be a little too drunk for this conversation.”
“May-be.” Hen sang, giggling a little—which caused Buck to start to giggle. They both broke out into full laughter, which kept going and going and going until neither of them could remember why they were laughing in the first place.
Finally, after a few minutes of uncontrollable laughter, it died down, and the two of them were lulled into a comfortable silence. Buck felt warm. And maybe it was the buzz from the alcohol–but it also kind of felt like home. Not that he was home–he was in Hen’s home–but she felt like home.
He felt safe.
“Hen?” Buck asked, his voice quiet.
“Yes?” She replied.
“Can we–can we listen to Taylor Kelly’s audiobook about us?”
Instantly, the laughter was back.
Sebastian had been screaming all morning, and Buck had no idea how to calm him down. Maddie was supposed to be coming over for lunch, but Sebastian was so upset and Buck was getting so frustrated that he picked up his phone to tell Maddie that today maybe wasn’t the best day for lunch.
“Well, what’s wrong?” Maddie pressed as soon as Buck told her he didn’t know if her coming over was the best idea.
“I don’t know, it’s just–he’s having a bad day. He won’t stop crying and I can’t get a handle on things and I know I said we could do lunch, but–”
“I’d still like to come over,” Maddie interrupted. “If that’s okay with you.”
“I haven’t even had time to shower,” Buck said. “And I don’t think I’m going to be able to make lunch, because Seb just keeps crying every time I put him down.”
“Okay,” Maddie said. “So I’ll come over and watch Sebastian while you take a shower and we can order food to the house.”
“I don’t want you to–”
“Buck.”
“Okay,” Buck conceited. “Okay, fine. Uh, thanks.”
“Good,” Maddie said, and Buck knew she was smiling all smug in the way only older siblings can. “I’ll leave in twenty minutes. See you soon.”
Forty minutes later, Maddie walked in Buck’s front door and almost immediately he handed Sebastian off to her and got in the shower. He was cautious not to spend too much time in there, but made sure to clean himself thoroughly. He knew he probably wouldn’t stay clean for very long, but it was nice. To feel normal for just a moment.
Buck didn’t even notice Sebastian had stopped screaming until he walked back into the living room to find Maddie rocking the sleeping baby in her arms.
“What did you…what did you do?” He asked.
“I pressed my lips to his forehead and hummed some lullabies,” Maddie said, her voice soft and low. “Eventually it lulled him to sleep.”
“How did you know that would work?” Buck asked.
“I didn’t,” Maddie explained. “But, uh—it used to work on you. I used to do it to you. When you wouldn’t sleep.”
“Really?” Buck asked.
“Mmhm.” Maddie hummed. She was staring down at Sebastian, not really focusing on Buck at all.
“When I was a baby?” Buck asked, and Maddie nodded. “You were, like…how old were you?”
“Nine?” Maddie thought out loud. “No, ten. I turned ten right after you were born.”
“How did you even handle that?” Buck wondered aloud. “I mean, you weren’t even…you were a kid.”
“I know. The first year of your life was hard. In a lot of ways,” Maddie said. “I don’t remember much of it, actually. But I spent a lot of time with you while Mom and Dad were taking Daniel in and out of the hospital. I figured out how to calm you down.”
“I’m sorry.” Buck said.
“It’s not your fault.” Maddie replied, like it was easy. Even though it probably wasn’t. But Maddie had already done so much work with herself to come to terms with her childhood. Buck knew this, that she didn’t blame him or herself or anyone for it anymore. But it didn’t stop him from feeling guilty.
“I just wish you didn’t have to deal with any of that.”
“I know,” Maddie sighed, rocking Sebastian in her arms. “But if it helps, I don’t remember it being that bad. It was hard, and Mom and Dad shouldn’t have put me in that position, but I loved you so much that the memories are good anyways.”
“Okay.” Buck stuttered, staring at his sister and his son across the room. Really, he was staring at himself, almost. He was looking back in time, and it made his stomach lurch as the guilt bubbled to the surface. It made him want to scream and cry and fall apart.
But Maddie looked happy.
When Buck walked into the kitchen, he didn’t expect what he found. Eddie was at the stove cooking eggs and bacon while Christopher was sitting with Sebastian at the table. Chris was feeding Seb something vaguely green–probably a pea mixture Eddie had made at some point.
It was adorable for about ten seconds.
And then, of course, it all fell apart. It fell apart because Buck saw a flash of Sebastian’s face. He saw himself in it, just like he had seen himself in Maddie’s arms days before. But this time, the guilt hit like a truck and he couldn’t swallow it this time.
“Eds,” Buck whispered in a panic. “I don’t-Chris shouldn’t be feeding him.”
“What?” Eddie asked, his brow furrowed. “Why not?”
“He shouldn’t be responsible for that.” Buck said, and Eddie visibly softened. It was like he knew exactly what Buck was thinking, even though he hadn’t mentioned any of it to him.
Eddie just knew everything, somehow. It was starting to get a little worrying.
“Chris loves Sebastian, Buck,” Eddie reassured. “And he asked me if he could feed him breakfast this morning, I didn’t see any reason to tell him no.”
“Well, Maddie loved me, too. But that doesn’t mean that she should have had to take care of me.”
“Okay, well, I’m not going to stop Chris from helping,” Eddie said, firm and kind all at once. “He asked and I said yes and I don’t want to make him feel like we suddenly don’t trust him or something.”
“Okay,” Buck said. “Okay, I just…” He trailed off, not able to find the words to explain how he was feeling.
“You’re right,” Eddie said. “That Maddie shouldn’t have had to take care of you. But this isn’t that. And Sebastian isn’t you. And we are not your parents.”
“But–”
“But what? Chris isn’t taking care of Sebastian anyways, Buck. We are right here, and he’s not responsible for anything. He just wants to be involved.”
“Okay.” Buck said again, taking a breath.
“Why don’t you go sit with them?” Eddie asked. “And I’ll bring over breakfast when it’s done.”
“Alright.” Buck nodded, and he did so. He sat down on the other side of Sebastian, watching as Christopher brought the spoon to his mouth over and over again. Chris was talking to him, and Seb was babbling back, and it was adorable, and Buck was focusing all of his energy on trying not to feel like he was about to be swallowed whole by guilt.
This isn’t that. Sebastian isn’t Buck. And they are not his parents. Buck played that over and over in his head.
And then, all at once, Christopher leaned over a little too far, and the edge of the bowl of baby food tipped over. “Oops.” Chris said, looking at the plastic bowl that had landed upside down on the edge of the high chair, somehow splattering its contents on the floor, the wall, and all over Sebastian himself.
Buck was left staring at a stupidly large mess, and a teenager who didn’t seem like he cared that he caused it.
“Sorry.” Chris said, looking at Buck, not even looking a little bit sorry. He didn’t even offer to help clean it up. Instead, he scooted back his chair and focused on Eddie. “Dad, is my breakfast ready yet? I’m hungry.”
Told you, Eddie’s eyes said as he placed the plate in front of Chris.
Yeah, okay. Buck let out a breath. He got up to get a cloth and maybe an entirely new outfit for Seb because Chris hadn’t even bothered to put a bib on him.
And Chris wasn’t bothered at all, scarfing down his breakfast. Because he wasn’t responsible for anything. They all knew that.
It was nice. It was a reminder that Buck needed. As much as Sebastian was genetically him, they were not the same. And Buck was not living in the past.
The now was much better.
“Eddie?” Buck marched into the bedroom in a panic, Sebastian strapped to his chest.
“Yes?” Eddie asked, raising an eyebrow at him from where he was seated on the edge of their bed.
“This house isn’t big enough for four people.”
“Just now figuring that out?” Eddie asked, smirking down at his socks.
“So, you’ve been thinking about this?” Buck asked. “When did you first realize this?”
“Probably the second I asked you to move in with me.” Eddie deadpanned.
“That long?” Buck asked. “We could have been looking for a new place months ago!”
“Buck, do you know how long it took you to even admit that you were having a baby?”
“You should have forced it. You should have—I don’t know. Seb can’t live in our bedroom forever. He’s already getting kind of heavy.”
“Baaaa.” Sebastian babbled from Buck’s chest at the sound of his own name.
“I know, Buck.” Eddie said. “Good news is, we can start looking now.”
“We are so behind already,” Buck grunted. “I’m texting everyone we know right now and telling them everyone is now required to start house hunting. Any requests?”
“Three bedrooms and one story,” Eddie replied. “Other than that, I don’t really care.”
“Okay.” Buck nodded, and walked down the hallway trying to focus on anything else other than the fact that Eddie had basically just told him he planned on sleeping in the same bed as Buck for the rest of time. Or as long as they lived, or something. But Eddie hadn’t even said that. He had danced around it.
He was just waiting, Buck realized. Not for the right time. But for Buck. Eddie was waiting for him.
Buck was getting there. Honestly. He was going to get there. Three bedrooms, Buck sent in the text to every single person they knew. He wondered if any of them were going to raise an eyebrow at that part. Probably not.
They probably knew Eddie was just waiting. Who knows, maybe they were all waiting for it, too.
“Eddie?” Buck asked the second he walked through the front door.
“Yes?” Eddie responded.
Buck followed the sound of Eddie’s voice, finding him in the dining room, standing over a basket of laundry with the baby monitor clipped to his jeans. “Where’s Sebastian?”
“Napping.” Eddie answered.
“Is Chris home?”
“No, he’s at–“
“Good.” Buck said, and pressed his lips to Eddie’s–for the first time ever and without warning.
Eddie wasted no time deepening the kiss, pressing Buck into the countertop and bringing his hand to cup Buck’s cheek. Buck closed his eyes, letting himself enjoy it, knowing that it was right, knowing that this was something the both wanted.
After a minute or so–really a bit long for a normal first kiss, but nothing about the progression of Buck and Eddie’s relationship was normal–they pulled back.
“Hi,” Eddie said, a little breathless. “What was that for?”
“I’m ready for you now,” Buck said. “I realized while driving home from support group, that when I was talking about you I already thought of you as my like–life partner or whatever. And things are going well. I think, finally. And I just started wondering what I was still waiting for. Because I’m ready now. I’m ready for you.”
“I hope you’re saying good things about me in your support group.” Eddie grinned.
“I’m saying such good things about you in my support group,” Buck promised. “Everyone in my support group is extremely jealous of my perfect boyfriend who isn’t my boyfriend.”
“He can be your boyfriend,” Eddie said. “I mean, I–I can be your boyfriend. Boyfriend who isn’t your boyfriend sounds like kind of a mouthful.”
“Yeah, it is,” Buck agreed, pressing another quick kiss to Eddie’s lips. “Sounds good, boyfriend.”
“Okay.” Eddie nodded, like his brain was a little bit behind. Like he couldn’t think of anything else to say. Buck knew the feeling. He went to kiss him again when they were interrupted by a static scream coming from the baby monitor sitting on the counter.
“Damnit,” Buck grunted, stepping sideways and past Eddie so he could go check on Sebastian. “Oh my god,” He paused before exiting the room. “We share a room with a baby.”
“Yeah…I know,” Eddie grimaced. “We’ll find a new house. Eventually.”
“Eddie,” Buck whined. “I haven’t had a sex drive in like, a year. And now I’m finally starting to want to–”
“I don’t think you finishing that sentence is going to help either of us.” Eddie interrupted.
“Right,” Buck blushed. “Sorry. I guess I’ll just, uh–I’ll just go. Then.” He headed down the hall, feeling a bit like he was floating. He could still feel the pressure of Eddie’s lips tingling on his own.
He hoped the feeling never went away.
Miraculously, Hen got a normal cake for Buck’s first shift back at work.
“I couldn’t think of anything that didn’t feel mildly offensive.” She explained, cutting into the white buttercream.
“Henrietta, you’re losing your touch.” Chimney teased, holding out his plate for a slice of cake.
“Just for that, you don’t get any cake.” Hen said.
“What? No! That’s not fair. That like, breaks the code of bestfriendship or something!”
Buck couldn’t help but grin, watching the two of them bicker. It reminded him of being twenty-five, and showing up at the 118 with nothing and nobody. And he found these people who were always fighting and laughing and making the world a better place. And they all loved each other, and they started to love Buck too. He remembered thinking he never wanted to leave this place and these people.
His life was so very different now. More different than he ever could have imagined, back at twenty-five. But he knew now that nothing–of this earth or otherwise–could take this away from him. Nothing could take them away from him.
That was how family worked. How it should work.
“Welcome back!” Bobby exclaimed, ducking out of his office. “I have a much less exciting gift for you.” As he said it, Bobby placed a stack of paperwork on the table in front of Buck. “Eddie already did his portion.”
“I heard,” Buck sighed. “And I heard that I have more of it than he did.”
“That you do,” Bobby said. “Just try to get as much of it done as you can during our downtime today.”
Eddie and Buck had made the decision that they work opposite shifts for the foreseeable future–as terrible of a decision it had felt to make, it was the right one. And Eddie was kind enough to forfeit the A-shift to Buck. “I’ve had them to myself long enough,” He had said. “Plus, I think Bobby misses having you at work.”
“Bobby loves you, too,” Buck protested. “And I drive him crazy.”
“Bobby loves all of us,” Eddie agreed. “But he misses you. And you were mad at him not too long ago.”
“I’m not mad at him anymore–”
“I know,” Eddie interrupted. “But we need to make sure he knows. And I know you miss him, too. And everyone else.”
“I don’t want to steal your spot on–”
“It’s temporary, Buck,” Eddie said. “Take your shift back. I’m going to tell Bobby it’s what we decided no matter how much you argue right now anyways.”
And so, it was settled. Eddie was on B-shift. And they barely got any time together.
They knew that when they were ready, they would have excellent childcare available to them. Now that Chris was a teenager, Carla worked for them less and less–but they had been talking. She had made it very clear that she would come back full-time as soon as she was needed. It was a relief, to know they would have the best childcare in Los Angeles the second they asked for it. So they weren’t worried about the future.
But for now, both of them wanted as much time with their kids as they could manage. Yes, being apart so much sucked–but it was worth it. Being with their kids was so very worth it.
Besides, they had the rest of their lives to make up the time.
“We should get married.” Buck said one day, lying on the floor with Sebastian doing tummy time. He had been getting better with holding himself up, especially after they had figured out that he could spend almost fifteen minutes just looking at his stuffed shark toy. Buck was pretty sure he was going to be a marine biologist. Or at least a big fan of Jaws.
“I’m sorry,” Eddie’s head snapped up from his computer, where he had been working on something vaguely financial. “What was that?”
“We should get married,” Buck repeated. “Don’t you think?”
“Was that your way of proposing?” Eddie laughed.
“What?” Buck exclaimed. “No! I wasn’t proposing, I was just…feeling it out.”
“Yeah, by asking if I want to marry you. Which is basically a proposal.”
“I never said will you marry me, I just was wondering what you thought about us getting married.”
“How is that not a proposal?”
“It’s–”
“Chris!” Eddie called out instead of letting Buck finish, throwing his head towards the hallway.
“What?” Christopher appeared a few moments later in the hall, looking mildly annoyed that he had been interrupted from whatever he had been doing in his room.
“Do you think saying do you think we should get married counts as a marriage proposal?” Eddie asked.
“This is what you needed me for?” Chris asked. “I don’t know. Why?”
“Well, Buck just–”
“Eddie!” Buck protested, trying to put an end to the nightmare.
“Buck just said that we should get married and then asked if I agreed.” Eddie explained.
Chris wrinkled his nose. “Buck, that’s a terrible way to propose.”
“I wasn’t proposing!” Buck argued.
“You were kind of proposing.” Eddie said.
“Oh my god,” Buck groaned. “If I knew you were going to be like this, I never would have–”
“Okay, fine,” Eddie interrupted. “Ask me again.”
“No!” Buck exclaimed. “You’re the one making everything weird.”
“Just do it, Buck.”
“Fine!” Buck snapped back. “Fine. Eddie, do you think we should get married?”
“I don’t know. Chris, what do you think?”
Was he seriously–
“I think you guys are really weird.” Chris grumbled. But there was something in his eyes that said. Yeah. Sure. I don’t mind. The love was still there, even if it was cloaked in heavy levels of teenage apathy and indifference.
“Okay. Seb, what do you think?” Eddie peered down at Sebastian.
“Ba.” Sebastian contributed.
“That sounds like a yes to me,” Eddie said, looking back over at Buck. “Okay. Yes. I think we should get married.”
“Yeah?” Buck asked, his breath hitching on the word.
“Yeah,” Eddie nodded, climbing down to the floor to where Buck was sitting. He pulled Buck into a quick kiss, then pressing their foreheads together. “Let’s get married.”
“I’m going back to my room.” Chris stated, disappearing before he could witness even more displays of affection.
“Are we really going to do this?” Buck asked, grinning. “I think Bobby will make us do more paperwork.”
“Am I not worth paperwork?”
“You’re worth so much more than paperwork.” Buck nodded, and leaned in to kiss him again, but was interrupted by Sebastian crying out from his blanket–obviously tired of not being the centre of attention. “Eddie, your son wants you.” Buck grimaced.
“Oh, so he’s my son right now?” Eddie asked.
“When he’s cockblocking me? Yeah. He’s your son,” Buck said, getting up off the floor. “I’m going to go make lunch. For my two children and my fiance.”
“Oh,” Eddie said. “Oh-Okay.”
“I love you!” Buck called out from the kitchen.
“I love you too!” Eddie called back.
“Bababa.” Sebastian said as Eddie went to lift him into his arms.
“Yes,” Eddie agreed. “I know. We love you very, very much as well.”
ONE YEAR LATER
“I feel bad for him,” Buck said. “I’m terrified that he’s going to turn out just like me and he won’t even get a say in it.”
“I feel that way, too,” one woman spoke up. “I didn’t have enough time to figure myself out, and now it’s like I’m supposed to do it all over, and if I screw it up again…I’m not the only one who gets hurt.”
Buck glanced over at her. She was new. She couldn’t have been more than twenty-two years old.
“And why do you two think turning out like you would be so bad?” Paloma asked.
“I don’t like myself very much,” the woman admitted. “What if she can tell? What if she…what if she thinks she shouldn’t like herself? What if she thinks I don’t like her?”
Paloma looked to Buck instead of answering.
“It’s so obvious Sebastian looks exactly like me,” Buck said. “I mean, we have the same birthmark on our face. My fiance and my sister…they love it. They’re always going on about how incredible it is that I made another me, or whatever. I know it’s because they love me, but…it kind of freaks me out, to be honest. Is he just destined to grow up and be like me? I don’t want that for him. I want him to have his own life. I want him to have choices.”
Buck deflated after letting that out. It was a feeling he had been carrying around with him for too long. Maybe even longer than he realized.
Buck wanted Sebastian to have everything, but especially the things he never had.
“Well, Buck,” Paloma said carefully. “It’s pretty common for parents to worry that they’re not giving their children the life they think they deserve. But when it comes to choices, specifically…have you ever considered the ways you can give your son choices?”
“I…” Buck trailed off. “I guess not. Not really.”
“As parents, we make a lot of choices for our children,” Paloma continued. “We have to make choices for them, sometimes. But not all the time. One thing you can consciously do is give your son as many choices as you can.”
“What if he just ends up like me anyways?” Buck asked. He couldn’t bear the thought of doing everything in his power to give Sebastian his own identity only to spectacularly fail.
“Then you’ll know that he chose that. So many of us turn out just like our parents, even if we’re not clones of them,” Paloma smiled. “It’s human nature to mimic the people who raise us.”
“So,” Buck furrowed his brow. “How am I supposed to give him choices, then? If he’s just going to mimic me?”
“You don’t know if he will,” Paloma said, softly. “But you can give him the option to do so, and the option to not. All you really have to do, Buck, is let him choose, and love him either way. How does that sound?”
And–yeah. Buck nodded.
It sounded alright.