Chapter Text
There are times like these where Usagi forgets how lonely he used to be. Before he donned the vigilante persona and metal mask, he was just an hyperactive, a little too scrawny for his age teenager, and apprentice of Karasu-Tengu. He didn’t have much for his age, but he didn’t really complain. Not when he didn’t know that he should’ve had more than a small straggle of friends and a stern teacher.
So, the next time Usagi steps foot into the Hamato household, he doesn’t feel the imminent loom weighing before him like a bag of bricks. Which is great, amazing even, definitely a huge upgrade from being publicly ostracized. But it still doesn’t rule out the weirdness he feels. It’s kind of silly. Considering the amount of times he’s visited, anyone would’ve mistaken him for a permanent family member.
In front of him, Leo animatedly greets him, albeit talks way too fast for him to comprehend with hands moving quicker than the speed of light. He looks happier than usual. Without giving him much of a choice, a hand gently curls around his wrist and leads him down a route he remembers all too well. After all, Leo’s bedroom is the furthest from everyone else.
Usagi steals glimpses of the colorful home. Even when he’s been to the same place so many times, there’ll always be something new patiently waiting for him to discover.
Say, a freshly spray-painted artwork complimenting the wall of the skating rink, one mostly likely committed by Mikey. Or the numerous stickers embezzled with a large purple (“Violet,” Donnie seethed. “It’s Violet, you uneducated heathens.”) letter in the shape of a ‘D’, stuck in low, high, and unbelievably high places, because of course, only Donnie is petty enough to trademark sixty percent of everything. And recently: Raph’s new habit.
Raph still is brooding as ever, greeting him with a reluctant grunt, clearly not bothering to stick around within Usagi-proximity and usually leaves before anyone can object. Or doesn't. It's only when he passes the shared dojo that he hears heavy thuds and gasps, the grip around him never ceasing to loosen. Thundering echoes of punching bags sing a telltale story that he won’t be leaving anytime soon. But at least Usagi can breathe easy, knowing that he won’t outright say how everyone’s better off staying away from him. At least he’s putting in the effort to like him, or maybe he’s putting in the effort for the sake of his family. Usagi doesn’t want to indulge that thought.
And before he even realized, both him and Leo are slowing down to a still, standing face to face with the abandoned, yet homely customized, train carriage of a room. Blue light softly shining past the curtained windows.
"After you," Leo bows, placing a hand on his stomach while the other faces outwards, knees bent.
Usagi rolls his eyes, not bothering to hide his sharp snort. Dramatic per usual. "Thank you, your majesty," he jests, before letting himself in, sighing as the wave of familiarity washes over him.
Not that he'll give the latter the satisfactory ego boost, but all in all, Leo's room is his favorite. Greeted by a rectangular Leo-heighted mirror, strings of fairy lights tangle from above, the pale blue light reflecting on the pile of clothes, specifically jackets and hoodies, dangerously spilling from his laundry basket in the far corner. He likes how all his socks are mismatched, but color coordinates his clothes like he's got a degree for it; he likes how his room smells like pinewood and lemon grass and sleep; and he likes how the ceiling is sporadically spread with glow-in-the-dark stars, big ones, small ones, emulating a soft green glow near the dark corners. Truthfully, it's a mess. It looks a hundred times messier than it did when he initially came over. But it's something you'd expect from a teenager with a long streak of impulsivity and charisma. Even then, he prefers this than a neatly folded bed and neatly tidied flooring and shelves so clean, dust were the only remnants of life.
Picking up on the tiny click of the door, he makes his way to the unmade bed, ready to unwind and listen to Leo babble about the latest hot topic, when he hears him call his name. Usagi turns around, eyes curiously following Leo. He quirks a brow.
"Chillax, I'm not going to surprise you," Leo reassures. "Well, yes, it is a surprise," he feigns pondering before quickly clarifying, "but not in that way! A good way!"
Leo walks past him and towards the end of the subway, gesturing Usagi to follow suite. So... no lazy hangouts? Undecided on curiosity and suspicion, Usagi bumps against Leo's shoulder. It's almost foreign for him to do that. He's still getting used to seeing Leo not covering his shell, but he thinks he's handling the change better than anyone else in his position would.
Usagi deadpans. "Liar liar, pants on fire."
"My pants are not on fire, thank you very much. Fact of the matter, I'm not even wearing pants."
"Last time I came over, you prepared me lunch. And laced it."
Beside him, Leo mimes his hand as Usagi talking, earning him a jab to the side. It doesn't give him the full satisfaction, but seeing a slight grimace on Leo is better than nothing. "Psh, that's all in the past. And I didn't think you had a virgin spice tolerance!" Leo sputters.
"Don't ever call my intolerance that," Usagi wrinkles his nose, remembering that fateful day in which he doubled down in front of everyone, hacking a lung from a bite of Chicken Tinga. He didn't dare outwardly state Leo's cooking was beyond his spice limitations, a fault of his own, so he resigned himself to finishing the plate with bloodshot eyes, plate surrounded by multiple glasses of cold water. Not that he has any evidence to back himself, but he's pretty sure Leo also has an abysmal spice tolerance. Moreso, he's pretty sure he sprinkled more chili flakes on Usagi's plate when he wasn't looking. Maybe that's why Raph was so willing to talk make conversation with him that day. That bastard (if he ever called Raph that in person, not that he will, Usagi could say farewell to seeing another day).
They stop at the end of his room. Well, Usagi assumes so, judging how there's a metal wall obstructing their path, minus planks of wood nailed in a circular shape. Any further, they'll be outside. All the while, Leo hunches and attempts to crank open a piece of wood, and another one, before successfully revealing a big enough hole to enter. He barely sweats from the effort, seeming as if he's done this countless times. Usagi gapes.
"Close that mouth of yours," Leo muses, boyishly smiling at Usagi's shock. "You don't want flies in there, don't 'cha?"
Usagi disguises his blush with a cough into his fist, but it comes out high pitched. "Course not," he grumbles, cautiously eyeing the hole. It appears there's some sort of light at the other side. "Why would I question weird shit when I've already met you."
"Hey!" Usagi's lips quirk a smile, making his way inside, imagining the dramatic pout on Leo's face.
And if there's one thing Usagi has learnt over the months staying at the Hidden City, it's to never underestimate his line of thinking, because there'll be things that'll keep surprising him. Even when he thought he's seen everything. So only in this rare moment, Usagi happily accepts defeat and let his eyes wander, presuming that his mouth is once again gaping, and even then, he couldn't bring himself to stop looking stupid.
This place is...
"World shattering? Groundbreaking? Absolutely amazing? I know, I'm just that cool," Leo fills in the silence. Lightly dusting his hands, Leo steps beside Usagi. "Afterall, I made it."
Breaking News: Leo is capable of crafting things. The room is small, cozy, and barely able to contain more than four, but that's expected when you shapeshift the remaining space of your room into a secret hideout. Despite the eerie sight of boarded windows, the fairy lights and abhorrent amount of Jupiter Jim posters provide some sort of comfort. Draped from the ceiling, blankets drape above the several pillows and mat, idly sitting beside more night lights and snacks packs, some opened and forgotten, most unopened. All in all, it reminds him of a chaotic version of a pillow fort.
Looking up, Usagi finds multiple stars randomly stuck. Never change, Leo, Usagi muses before settling into the pile of pillows. To no one's surprise, it feels soft to the touch, almost as if the handstitched pillows of red, orange, and violet, were actively swallowing him whole. Not that he's outwardly complaining, and especially not when Leo has a dopey grin. His aching wrist struggling to support his weight can suck it.
"When exactly did you make this?"
Humming in thought, Leo scrunches his lips in search of an answer, ripping open a chip packet. It's salt and vinegar, Usagi's favorite. "It was recent, so probably four months ago?"
Leo leans back on the pile of pillows, sighing in relief. "Everyone was constantly bugging me and sometimes, it was too much. I wanted out sometimes, y'know?"
He nods his head. But then he realizes that Leo was looking at the ceiling rather him, so he squeezes a "yeah," past his munching.
"Huseo's was always my go-to place. Free food and free entertainment are hard to resist. But," a tired sigh escapes him. Usagi shuffles closer to listen to him, even when his hearing ascends godly levels and when his current sitting position was too comfortable to leave. He heard from somewhere that small acts can go a long way to make someone feel better. "I dunno, dude. It sucked when their presence was suffocating me during my med-bay days. But it was worse when they showed up at Tio's place."
Usagi doesn't need to question who the 'they' in question were. There was a reason why Leo cried his heart out on that chilling, tension ridden night. Not that he could blame him - from what he knew, Leo was keeping all these thoughts to himself, letting his boundaries be trampled in hopes of satiating the worries of his family. Which is a good thing that it's different now. Speaking of which...
"How are things with your brothers?" Usagi suddenly remembers the question he forgot to ask when he last came over.
A soft smile tugs at Leo's mouth, forehead creases smoothening out. "Good. Really good, actually."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I feel like they're actually listening to me. Feels like they're taking me seriously when I want them to," Leo munches, chip crumbs dancing below his lips. "It took them a while to stop tiptoeing around my injuries and actually trust me. But I can't really blame them, I suppose." Usagi clenches his fist, restraining himself from doing something stupid. The urge to brush them away is becoming borderline difficult. Would Leo's lips feel soft if he were to touch them? Or scaly? He wants to know more. He wants Leo to talk more. To smile more. To shoot back his classic snarky remarks more. So it would give him a reason to feel them under his own.
... Huh?
Oblivious as ever, Leo keeps rambling, unaware that Usagi subconsciously tuned him out in favor of dealing with whatever horrific realization he made. "... And while team bonding is sort of boring, I say it's an upgrade. Corny? Yes. Do I give a fuck? Not one, not ten."
"Uh," Leo slightly flushes under Usagi's watchful gaze. Usagi doesn't even want to touch his own, fearing that he's no better. "Earth to Usagi?"
"That's good to hear," Usagi ignores the question. Nice save, his mind sneers.
"But really, it's all thanks to you, 'Sagi."
Softening his gaze, Leo glances at him before quickly looking away, distracting himself by unceremoniously ripping a box of pocky open, gawking at the pocky sticks rocket launching into the air. If Usagi has never seen the overly confident boy in front of him look nervous, well, now is probably the best example. Usagi witnessed a family reamending itself throughout the decay of Winter and birth of Spring. Truly, it was a laborious, yet rewarding experience to be apart of. Tears were shed, voices were raised, apologies were confessed; but what mattered was that they tried to understand each other. There was no way he could be jealous of something like this after knowing what Leo went through. What the Hamatos' went through.
Usagi picks up a broken piece of pocky and from the blue yoga mat (of course it has to be blue) and munches on it. Hm. Pretty nice.
"But there's no way I'm telling them about this room. Hell no," Leo crosses his arms. "5-minute crafts be damned, I build this from scratch. Scratch! And well," a rough cough rips through his throat, but Usagi heard what he said.
Unimpressed, Usagi snarls his lip. He's not doing a good job at keeping his disappointment at bay, but he supposes it's a good thing since he wasn't trying to. "You made it while neglecting your injuries??"
"I didn't want my ass hounded," Leo winces. "So technically, you're the only person that knows about this."
"Then you shouldn't have made it in the first place? Maybe find somewhere to be alone?"
"My back wasn't hurting that much. I'm fine."
"Then I'm suddenly good at handling spice," Usagi looks at him blankly, grumbling, "Fine, my ass."
"C'mon now," Leo pouts within Usagi's line of sight. "You're supposed to back me up." It would be cute if not for the circumstances previously mentioned. He knows Leo will come around with the topic of the hideout, whether he wants to or not.
"Huuuh, who said that. That's weird. Must've been a ghost," Usagi pretends to look around, smiling wider at Leo's stifled giggles. Oh, and he's doing that a lot more recently. The whole smiling thing feels sort of foreign considering his whole situation, because really, there wasn't a reason to be happy this much or smile this hard, when he resigned his life to doom and gloom. Then Leo had the audacity to walk into his life and make it his mission to be that reason. His reason.
Leo shuffles closer, wiping his chip dusted fingers on his shorts, before he magically whips out a console. It's grey, banged up, and are those bite marks around the corners? He calls it a 'Nintendo' but Usagi doesn't really see the hype. Even when he's explaining the rules to playing Mario Kart, he doesn't really listen. And once their avatars line up at the start line, he remembers to periodically look at the screen, pretending to put an effort into winning even when the controls are stupid hard to adapt, because he doesn't want to get caught staring at the most beautiful boy he's ever met.
"You're the only person that knows about this."
He jams his thumb on the buttons. Usagi pretends those words don't rattle his caged heart, fearing it may burst open if he were to think more of it.
-
"So, you're telling me that you and Donatello shoplifted so many unicorn plushies within the span of four days, to the point where the Hidden City proclaimed a law limiting two purchases per person. All for a bet," Usagi says slowly.
"Close, three days."
"Not helping the fact that you gave them chocolate coins as compensation?"
"Fuck the patriarchy, 'amirite?"
And that's kind of how Usagi wounded up spending the past minutes, hell, hours, with Leo. Just talking about the most randomest of things. If Usagi were to think long and hard, this might probably be the longest he's ever spent staying over. Most of time he hangs out, or what Usagi likes to call 'finding an excuse to give something to Leo and oh sure, I don't mind staying for a while, why not', he's restraining himself from overstaying his welcome.
He has to blame Leo for making time feel non-existent.
"At least Donatello has the decency to pay them back," Usagi rolls his eyes at Leo squawking for an excuse. "Think I prefer him than an openly proud shoplifter. Who happens to have a horrible sense of humor. Who happens to lack common sense on multiple occasions," he continues to add on, relishing the horrified look growing on Leo.
"My therapist now knows your name, 'Sagi. You're on thin fucking ice," Leo warns, but the smile in his eyes betrays him.
Oh, and that's a thing now. After the long awaited, much needed family (sans Splinter) intervention, they've all collectively agreed to do something about their situation, not wanting to go through the hellish cycle all over again: seeking professional help on two occasions. One dedicated to one-on-one, the other dedicated to family therapy. After all, Dr Feelings could only do so much. Surprisingly, Leo wasn't as adamant about not seeing a therapist as Usagi thought; if anything, he seemed defeated, but in an accepting way. He seemed tired. Probably years of fighting his own mind allowed himself to cave.
And so far, so good. Recovery wasn't a linear process - that'd be wishful thinking.
Usagi sat upright, preparing to leave, waking Leo from his daze. "Leaving already?"
"Yeah," Usagi replies distantly. "My family's waiting for me. Back home," he averts his eyes.
It's only after a painfully long silence, when Usagi is about to leave their hideout, that Leo speaks up. "O-or we can have a sleepover! Yeah! We can stay up really late and eat all the junk we want. It'll be fun."
"Want me to stay that badly?" Usagi smirks.
"Actually, Yeah. I do," Leo sheepishly rubs his nape. Oh. Well, that wasn't a response he was expecting. "So what d'ya say?"
He can feel the faint nervousness strumming on his reply, waiting with anticipation for his decision. But while Leo lives a life of truth, Usagi resigned himself one of lies. He's chosen a path where he doesn't have a family to return back to when he's overjoyed or burdened by the mean, mean, place of a world. One that remains in one constant, familiar place because he's always on the move.
But like Leo, Usagi is just so so tired. Tired of running, but does so anyways, because what else could he do than move forward, push on, and grit out the pain solely deserved for a villain like himself? What will he become if he doesn't look back - that, he doesn't want to find out.
A hand places on his shoulder, his scarred shoulder. Usagi forces himself out of his head.
"I mean, you don't have to. Just a suggestion."
Sighing inwardly, Usagi cocks a smile. The thought of crashing around his boss' place makes him feel slightly nauseous, a twinge of guilt for making him commit more than he bargained for when he initially recruited Usagi. He hired him as a waiter, not adopting him. It's either that, or abandoned vans unsuited for someone like him, or anyone really. So, he chose the alternative.
"You better not sleep first, grandma."
"Oh you're so on."
-
Or maybe he committed more than he bargained for, he considers with his arms crossed, listening to Leo list reasons about why he should sleep on the floor, while offering Usagi the luxury of sleeping in his bed. Really, it's stupid. He's never met a more indecisive person in his life. And what's stupider is that Leo's seriously offering to make a powerpoint presentation about the heavily weighed pros. Again, stupid.
"For the last time, I don't care if I sleep on the floor. I'm used to it."
"That doesn't help!"
"I sleep on a futon, Leo. Bedding on the floor. It's pretty much in my blood."
"Oh. Makes sense... But still! It's only right that I offer, since you're the guest and all."
"I don't know whether to feel honored or offended since we've been hanging out for what? Months?"
"Oh, I know! We can both sleep on the floor."
"Leo, I'm being serious right now. If you complain about back issues the next morning, I'll never let you hear the end of it," Usagi massages the growing ache between his eyes. This argument is getting borderline ridiculous. "And may I remind you about your still healing injury? Donatello specifically ordered you to rest your shell on soft surfaces. Not hard surfaces. And personally, I would rather have you pouting at me all night than have my soul sacrificed to your brothers."
"You're being dramatic," Leo places his hands on his hips.
"You're being dramatic."
"Am not!"
"Yes, you are."
"Am not."
"Yes you - oh my god come here," a surprised yelp rips from Leo, not expecting Usagi to yank them both onto the bed. "We're both sleeping on the bed. Happy?"
"Yeah," Leo licks his upper beak. "Yeah, we can do that. Just, um," having caught on his message, they both shuffle to rest comfortably. Leo chirps, secretly glad Usagi fluffed up his pillow against his shell before the rabbit resigned himself to sleeping on the outside. The bed is smaller than Usagi had thought, leaving just enough space where their legs don't touch, feeling the soft breaths from Leo. Usagi feels the tips of his ears grow hot. They lie face to face.
Usagi yawns.
"C'mon now! If you sleep now, then this sleepover'll be boring."
"Then what ideas do you have, genius?"
"Hm," Leo looks away, deep in thought. He clicks his fingers. "We can play two truths, one lie!"
Noting the confused look on Usagi, Leo explains the rules. By the time Leo finishes, Usagi fiddles with the hem of his shirt, mouth biting his tongue. Leo doesn't want to say he looks uncomfortable per say, but rather, hesitant?
Usagi dries his tongue, throat bobbing. "Isn't it a bit invasive?"
"That's the best part! It's one way we can get to know each other."
"But what if I told you I don’t think you want to," Usagi whispers.
"Well, sure, you can do that," Leo replies. "But I think one way to not be scared of something is to, y'know, talk about it. Baby steps. Talking about it with someone you trust helps." The uncertain look doesn't go unnoticed from Usagi, appearing to hold onto each word Leo says. "And what if I do want to know you more? Will you let me?"
When Usagi doesn't respond, Leo takes the opportunity to make the first move.
"I'll go first," Leo spends a couple seconds thinking of about what to say, ranging from mild to downright diabolical facts. "I slammed my leg into the corner of a brick wall, my family moved here to lay low from Big Mama, or I bought Donnie expired jellybeans and he ate them."
"Oh god," Usagi pales. "I don't like this game anymore."
"Too bad, you always signed up for this."
"Why couldn't you have chosen normal answer." A moment passes before Usagi declares his answer. "Please be the leg option," Usagi winces, though, it sounds like he's saying it to reassure himself than Leo.
"Nope," Leo proudly admits. Beneath the blanket, Leo raises his leg. There's a faint, but undoubtedly, vertical scar lined up with his bone structure. "Donnie didn't eat the jellybeans."
Usagi twists his face. "That means you saw your..."
"Bone structure? Yup," Leo says, drawing out the 'p'. "Pretty freaky. It's like stabbing and ripping out the stuffings of a teddy bear."
Now Usagi genuinely looks sick. His face looks a little green and there's a thin sheen of sweat under his bangs. "Aw dude, nono don't go thinking about that in detail," Leo tries to distract him. "It's all in the past, I didn't even feel that much pain. Adrenaline's a crazy useful thing."
"I suppose," Usagi weakly smiles. "But what about the second option? The one about Big Mama? Are you in danger or...?"
"Oh god, no. She's chill. A bit overprotective? Yeah. But apart from the whole... Shredder thing, it's just my dad's weird situationship with her."
"I see," Usagi visibly relaxes. He looks like he wants to press on, but he closes his mouth before he could continue that train of thought. "I suppose it's my turn?"
Leo nods.
"Hm. Alright, I've got it. I keep maple syrup packets in my pocket, I like the color purple -"
"Lame," Leo bemoans.
"- Or I stuck a grape up my nose to see it would fit.
"Now that's more like it."
For a while, they shared the most ridiculous, out of pocket stories. Who knew Leo teleported his brothers to Tahiti? Not until now, that's for sure. And as their game continued, the more tired they felt, but it's not like Usagi will admit it when Leo won't admit the growing heaviness from his eyes. It was fun. Honest to God fun, and probably the most fun he's never dared dreamed to have in a really long time.
The night grows quiet, and yet, the thoughts don't stop running in his mind, rotating and twirling like cogwheels. But while the fun dies down and he can hear Leo's soft snores, the constant question burns in the back of his mind: is Leo trustworthy enough to reveal his alter ego?
He's scared shitless, to put it lightly. Not only was he already treading dangerous waters, wanted posters and everything, but simply letting him in on one of his darkest secrets feels foreign. Feels wrong, dirty. It feels like he's roping him in and jeopardizing his life. If something bad were to happen to Leo? And Usagi wasn't there to protect him? He'll never forgive himself. And what's to say that Leo will accept confession and not turn his back at him. Maybe it is for the better that he doesn't tell him, even if it's crushing him. Better let this secret eat him from the inside out than ruin this friendship. Because what if Leo sees the true Usagi, hands sullied by the indiscernible crimes committed, and he runs the other way.
"What's up?"
"The ceiling," Usagi weakly replies.
Creaking open an eye, now it's Leo's turn to look unimpressed. "Har har, so now you're a comedian now. The waiter gig didn't cut it?" The light tone doesn't help ease the discomfort raging in Usagi's stomach. The delayed answer intensifies the ache. "Listen, you literally heard me yap when I needed someone. I only think it's fair that I returned the favor, no?"
Leo rolls his eyes at Usagi's unsure look, nodding his head for the other to talk. "Lay it on me."
Taking a deep breath, Usagi confesses one of his darkest secrets: "What do you do when you want to tell someone this... big secret. But. You're scared of what will happen next?"
"Well," Leo ponders. "I'm sure that they'll love you regardless."
Usagi studies every surface of Leo's face, seeking for any evidence that the latter is lying. But all he found was hand cradling his face, a confident gaze, and a horrific realization about himself.
But what if he's understanding?
Unbeknownst to Leo, he's opening up a door to Usagi's heart, key dangling from his fingertips. And the worst part? Usagi isn't opposed to it. All those fears etched in the back of his mind suddenly dissolve to nothing but fickle thoughts. Just thoughts. Fiction, not facts. He doesn't think he can go back to living a life in the shadows when he's gotten a taste of this life. He thinks he can get used to it.
He's ready to tell Leo about Ronin.
"Ready for tomorrow, 'Sagi?" Leo murmurs. He's on the brink of sleep, struggling to keep his eyes open, but does so anyways. It's sort of cute. He's cute, his mind teases, giving it everything in Usagi to try steer away from those thoughts. Usagi takes the hand on his cheek and brings it in front of him, letting their entwinned hands rest between them. "Y'better not rock up to the party in your waiter uniform."
"You wish," Usagi closes his eyes, resting well knowing that ticket lies unscathed in his bag. And in his sleep, he dreams of crystal chandeliers and masked party guests and bright lights. He dreams of donning a dark blue suit, one complimenting nicely with his red eyes. He would feel his breath caught in his throat at the sight of Leo, looking ethereal and charming as ever, always catching the attention of everyone and especially catching Usagi's. He would complain about hating Western traditions and Leo would laugh in his face, all before dragging him into a dance and Usagi would let him. Because anything Leo does would make the stuttering ache in Usagi's heart grow and grow until he couldn't hold it in anymore.
In a life where Leo seemingly had everything, he thought he had nothing. But in a life where Usagi seemingly has nothing, maybe, just maybe, he might've really had everything.
Tomorrow, Usagi promises himself. He's ready to tell Leo about everything: Ronin, his feelings, his past. All he has to do is be patient.