Chapter Text
By the time Raph searched high and low (and definitely flipped the whole Hidden City upside down) not once, but thrice, the sun had long been set and the night life came out to play. He dragged himself to the nearest wall and defeatedly leaned against it, all while standing next to the softshell.
Donnie raised a brow from the sound of his arrival, eyes yet left the purple hologram reflected from his wrist gauntlet. He’s swiping and pinching various images. It all looks so complicated and math related that only a madman like Donnie could relish.
Seemingly moving forth to finding the third and final artefact.
“Still no luck?”
All Donnie got was a non-committal, “hm”. Still, Raph scanned the divided crowd for a flash of green even in his tired state; a hint of crescent reds even in his ragged state, even with his hopes running on a thin sliver. His milky right eye lazily blinks. “Aren’t you worried,” Raph grunts.
“I wouldn’t if I was being berated at,” Donnie replies, sharp and blunt.
He flinches, but it’s the truth. The fight he had with Leo was sort of a blur, his anger too clouded to let him stop, think, and rationalise. “Yeah.” His thickly scaled tail curls around his legs.
“What you said to him was out of line, and a dick move at best,” Donnie continues and Raph doesn’t bother to correct his language. “You messed up big time.”
“Raph knows,” he looks away. He wished the wall behind him would swallow him whole.
A frustrated sigh pushed past Donnie’s teeth. “But you both did. Of course I still have my reservations,” the string of clicks and clacks from the keypad stops. “But unlike you, I know when to stop. Leo is unfortunately my… extended half, so it’s only natural I understand what’s going through that pea-sized brain of his.”
If Donnie were anyone else, then Raph would have assumed otherwise. His trademark flat tone remained the same after all those years.
A stiff hand itches towards his shoulder, carefully slotting itself past the dangerous spikes pierced outwards. Raph swallows thickly. “What if Raph doesn’t get another second chance?”
Raph squints at the ground. It’s frustrating, really. He thought he was doing everything right, and he worked especially hard too! Things were tough after getting the ‘team leader’ boot, instantly demoted to just brawns within a single day and giving him no time to adjust. Now it was Leo that everyone looked for answers. Of course, Raph would toss in the co-leading label between him and Leo every now and then, but really, it was to make him feel better. Over the years, Leo would progressively insistent on doing things his way, and Raph would need to find the self-restraint as to why his plan sucked without outright saying it (sometimes it worked, most times it didn’t. He tried to keep his cool.)
He was the protector. But Mikey was adamant on his independence, and Donnie only needs protecting when he’s in life threatening danger, and April was busy preparing for her finals. And Leo would’ve scoffed at him.
So who exactly was there left to protect?
Then the fights became more common, more louder, more unspoken apologies, more than passive aggressive shoulder shoves. Then the Kraang happened and his world shattered. He remembers tearing away from the restraining hands shielding him from the horrible truth, not bothering to question why he could only see out of one eye. He remembers busting the door open, and he remembers stifling choked gasps before falling apart in front of the faint, but evident, heartbeats of Leo’s unconscious form. His overconfident, goofy, younger brother.
He didn’t think it was possible to have that many tubes and machines hooked onto Leo.
Raph desperately wants to make things right again, and he’s tried over, and over. But he just. Doesn’t know how to make it work.
“Give him time,” Donnie awkwardly patted his shoulder. It’s way too tense and it feels more like patting in timely intervals than soothing rubs, but Raph knows it’s just his own special way of comforting him. “You’re not doing yourself any favours by running yourself ragged.”
He retracts his hand, scrunching his face. “Sorry. If that was too harsh. Mikey has been helping me work out my emotions and how I express them but...” A small message icon pops on his gauntlet, and lo and behold, it’s Mikey. “ Come back home ASAP, we just found- Oh. Oh! Uh. Come on, Raph. Let’s get moving.”
“Hm?”
The both of them embraced the chill air and made their way to wherever next. Well, in all honesty, it was more Donnie leading the way and Raph following behind. There was no way he could when he’s so used to letting his brothers take up that role. After all, isn’t that what Splinter wanted?
Small talk filled the gaps of silence, but Raph couldn’t help but feel an odd twist in his gut upon that thought.
-
The Hamato household is unnaturally quiet upon entering.
Raph never hated noise. He wasn’t one to turn down a good wrestle or a family movie night. But every once in a while, he would cross his fingers and pray that things would quiet down for a couple minutes; especially during the few moments Mikey would triple-dog dare April to do something incredibly stupid, and particularly whenever the twins’ were out concouting some devious prank beyond ethical. But it was nothing more than a mere, fleeting thought. Now, he wished things were anything but the occasional drip drip from the leaking kitchen tap.
More than anything, Raph fiddled with the plastic bag. The fragile thin straps are starting to fray and split if he doesn’t stop puncturing holes in it. Holes? Yeah, he probably should’ve brought his crocheted bag instead. Looked better anyways.
A pair of footsteps lightly made it’s way to greet them. “Hey Big Man,” Mikey smiled tiredly. The dimmed fairlights loosely hung on the walls always emitted a warm vibe, but Raph felt anything but that. He didn’t need comfort, he wanted answers.
“Um. Heya Mike? Glad Don got your text, but have you seen… seen…”
Slowly but surely, those familiar red crescents step out of the shadows, the dim lighting casting a dramatic effect on Leo’s pink rimmed eyes. Everything about him screams tense - the way his brows scrunches tightly, the stiffness his shoulders carried. It doesn’t suit Leo, not by a far mile, and he evidently wants to be anywhere but here. Raph is starting to see why. That’s why he needs to make things right, he has to.
Before Raph could even utter another word, Leo tugs his interlocked hand along with him, dragging out an equally nerve-racked guest while making his way closer to everyone else. Tufts of white fur stick out in odd places, but that’s the least of Raph’s concern.
“Is this some sort of,” Raph trails off, mind slowly making the connection.
“Well-overdue intervention requiring discussions of inadequacy and self-hatred due to miscommunication? Right on the money, brother,” Donnie dryly comments. “It’s not really my field of focus. But yes, we are having the talk.”
“With him here!?” Raph clicks his tongue, his face darkening. How many times does he have to remind everyone that he’s against having Usagi over, let alone talking to him?
Donnie makes a sound of recognition. “Is that why you didn’t tell him?” Orange mask tails bob up and down. “Yeah, I can see why,” he mononymously clicked off his battle shield, the metal hiss followed by a terribly hidden sigh of relief. Good. Seems like countless weeks of everyone just badgering him to take it off at home was doing miracle-like wonders. No one likes seeing the bruises on his shell deepen.
“C’mon dude, I know you don’t like him,” Raph couldn’t help but scoff at Mikey’s remark, oblivious to the cocked brow from Usagi. Leo sighed while Donnie sarcastically rolled his eyes.
Don’t like wouldn’t be the right phrasing. Not for someone he wants to avoid like the plague. Like a bad omen. Because it doesn’t matter that Usagi takes the time to neatly tie a bow on the plastic bag since Raph’s claws are too big, or if he specifically requests that any slimy-textured toppings be taken out for Donnie, or if he fills up Mikey’s Baja Blast to the brim, or if he makes Leo happy . At the end of the day, Usagi has some connection with Ronin, and Ronin is actively trying to steal the artefacts that they need. Ones meant to rid that fucking monster from Leo’s mind, and for that, he detests him for siding with that criminal. “But just give him a chance.”
“Give me a chance,” Leo urges. Words spill out of the slider’s mouth like water, afraid that Raph will interrupt him without hearing him out .
Was he afraid of that happening?
A pregnant pause pierces the uncomfortable realisation. Raph looks at Leo before promptly looking elsewhere, sparing him the tension, before looking at Mikey’s beckoning nod towards the living room.
He doesn’t want to make his blue masked brother more uncomfortable than it already is.
It takes a couple awkward shuffling before Leo works up the courage to break the silence. He opens his mouth, desperate to say his rehearsed lines, and as expected, nothing comes out. But it’s different this time. This time, he stops and looks at the pressure squeeze from his hand, pinched expression softening at Usagi’s understanding gaze, and he tries again.
“Well, uh. He’s here because he helped me say something I’ve always wanted to say. For a long time, actually,” Leo admits. The ugly feeling in Raph’s guts somehow twists even more, making him feel more ashamed than relieved.
“Ohh-kay. So,” Donnie inhales from his snout, both palms pressed together beneath before pointing it outwards. “I highly suggest that we take this discussion to the living room. And not, I don't know, in front of the front entrance? It’s not optimal for an incredibly show stopping, world shattering, turtle like me to be awkwardly standing while talking about heavy topics. So shoo, everyone. Chop chop,” he yelps at the sudden jab to the side, nursing his ribs while Mikey looks the least bit remorseful. Regardless, Raph is grateful for the save.
And gradually, they all make their way to the living room now devoid of Lou Jitsu reruns. Which is awfully convenient, since prying Splinter away from his favourite chair seemed like a lost cause.
Raph turns to the weird sound played from afar. The vintage radio sizzles out a staticy, but decipherable, “ crkkk- that’s right folks, testimony of recently jailed Foot ninja allegedly reported that Ronin, Hidden City’s all-timed feared criminal, PUNCHED him-,” could be heard before Donnie quickly switched it off.
That’s wild, Raph turns his back and continues walking, not my problem if he gets hurt doing that.
Stretched away from the couch and on the coffee table sat a plate of freshly warm, and mouthwatering plate of chocolate chip cookies - a stark contrast to the chilled pizza. If Raph didn’t know any better, he’d say Mikey purposefully orchestrated this beforehand.
Raph won’t lie, everything feels a bit too daunting now that he’s sitting on the couch, trying not to sink into the softness of the clearly ragged couch.
One by one, everyone takes a seat. Mikey contently plants himself on the floor and in front of Raph, cross-legged and patiently waiting. While Donnie perches on the head of the couch not long after, posed very gargoyle-like. Looking between the seat next to Raph and elsewhere, Leo hesitantly darts his eyes at the two options for a painfully long couple of seconds, before nestling in Splinters armchair, seated further from everyone else. Raph bites away his frown.
Unlike everyone else, Usagi drags in a small stool and nervously takes his seat between Leo and everyone else, in a way where it appears that he doesn’t want to intrude. Leo raises a brow, patting the vacant space next to him, silently inviting him to sit next to him. Usagi shakes his head.
“Since we get nowhere just talking things out because yes, a simple ‘hear me out’ leads to a full on intergalactic war,” Mikey lethally daggers his eyes at both Leo and Raph, both who suddenly are more invested with their surroundings than actually looking at each other, before looking at Donnie for help. Left with little choice, Donnie rolls his eyes, dryly following it up, “So we’re stuck playing mediator till you guys figure your shit. Hoorah.”
“Some shit group therapy this is,” Leo barks out a laugh.
“Community circle,” Donnie raises a pointer finger. “Or restorative circle, or whatever fancy term you want to label this as.”
“And as stupid as it may sound, it’s nothing compared to whatever baggage you guys are having. Cause instead of actually solving the issue, it appears that you guys went to Jupiter to get more stupider. Like communicating, psh . Who’s she?”
“Oh mi gosh, Donnie.”
Clearly done with an unremorseful Donnie, Mikey clears his throat. He makes his way in front of the projector. “And because we are talking about our feelings, ohh the horror! We gotta include a couple rules.” Whipping out his Dr. Feelings persona, he pushes back his signature round glasses, clicks the projector on, pulls out a makeshift screen and extendable stick, ready to point at the numbered rules. Where he got that out so quickly, Raph still hasn’t got the slightest clue. It makes him feel a little disturbed how emotionally inclined Mikey is at his current age.
A striking whack hits the screen. “First and foremost, everyone has to speak and listen with respect,” he emphasizes. “Otherwise, what’s the point of even being here when we can’t do the bare minimum?” The stick moves down a number.
“Number two: speak your truth. It’s okay if any of us feels offended or hurt, you are your own person. But what ain’t alright is bottling up your emotions. Doing the opposite of that is what ended us here in the first place. This is a space to talk things out, not bite at each other’s necks,” Mikey’s voice hitches momentarily, but continues to unwaver. “So I won’t accept shouting or any mockery, got it?”
A series of yes ’ rang out the tense room, while a darkly muttered, “You and me both,” could be heard from Leo. Subconsciously, Raph curls his tail closer, unsure why he feels shame and guilt wash down.
Raph needs to fix this. Only Raph can do it.
After reiterating everyone’s contribution to honoring each other’s privacy (now it’s Donnie’s turn to look away) and to be mentally present, Mikey gets closer to wrapping things up. “To make things fair, only one of us can talk if we have a talking piece. That way, everyone gets a say without being interrupted.”
Seemingly unplanned for this part, Mikey frantically looked for items that could possibly serve as a talking piece. Picking up on his panic, Usagi quickly unties his ears, handing a relieved Mikey his teal bandana. Unaware of a stunned Leo, desperately trying to cough away his rising flush before anyone could point it out.
“To start things lightly, how about we do a little check-in?” Everyone nodded to Mikey’s suggestion, satisfied that they won’t have to jump into the meat of things. “I’ll pass it to Raphie afterwards, but I encourage everyone to think about your favorite, and least favorite moment of today.”
“For me, I liked how my new chocolate chip cookie brownie thingamajig recipe worked! Tried it and gosh was everything perfect; super decadent, crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside. Mhm-mhm! But forgetting to use my Aloe cream was definitely my least favourite part,” Mikey admits. “Yeah… felt like I was moving 5 frames per second with how achey everything was.” Small laugh could be heard muffled. Finishing up, he handed it to Raph.
The snapping alligator fidgeted with the fabric, contemplating on his word choice. “Raph liked his morning spar, always made Raph feel great and energized,” he smiled to himself, silently beaming at the supportive circle rubs from Mikey. “And as for least favorite,” his smile drops. “Finding Leo was kinda stressful, won’t lie to ya’. Really thought something bad happened.”
He really tried to not sound guilt-trippy; the last thing he wants is to make Leo feel bad about something he did, when Leo willingly volunteered to sit down and talk things out. But apparently he did a horrible job at keeping his tone at bay, because he could’ve sworn he heard a gasp. But by the time he turned to Leo’s direction, the younger sibling was already invested in the next person’s check-in.
“I mean, today was fine,” Donnie nonchalantly hums. “Oh! But I did manage to hack into some kid’s account after he wronged me in a game of-”
“That doesn’t count, Don.”
Donnie sticks a tongue out at Leo, only for it to be returned. Some things never change. “Like you’re any better,” the softshell pinches the end of the bandana, leaning away as if it’s a contaminated specimen. Usagi looks the least bit phased. “If playful antagonizing doesn’t count, then I suppose fixing a bug in my coding script counts. The only downside will be the fact that I’ll have to eat cold, unfresh pizza.”
He eagerly dropped the bandana onto Usagi’s lap, quickly lathering a more-than-generous amount of sanitizer on his hands. Usagi blinks in complete and utter confusion.
“Um,” Usagi looks across the makeshift circle. “Are you sure? I mean, I’m only here as moral support but,” he looks down at his bandana. “I don’t know, I feel like I’m intruding.”
I don’t belong here.
“Nonsense, you’re pretty much family at this point,” Leo preens, a shy smile fixed on his lips.
No he’s not, Raph wanted to say. He never was and never will be. And Raph would’ve out right said that, blurted it out for all the Hidden City to hear if his eyes didn’t fall in their direction, landing on the interlaced fingers.
Leo and Usagi were… holding hands… and the look in their eyes...
What did he miss out on this time?
“Well, if you say so. Working at Huseo’s was pretty good. I mean, free food is always good food,” Usagi chuckles to himself. “Can’t really say I’ve come across anything too bad. A couple petty customers don’t usually bother me.”
By the time the talking piece mantled down to Leo, he looked, for lack of a better word, on edge. Tense. “I’m feeling… um,” he stuttered, the fabric bounced to the beat of the jittery leg. “Doing alright. Okay-ish day.”
“Hey, remember what Mikey said earlier?” He eyed Usagi’s pensive gaze, body unmoving, all before letting out a tired sigh.
“Okay, yeah. Speak truthfully. Right. Um. I’m feeling a lot of things, not great ones for sure. Tired, like shit, uh. And I guess angry? I dunno, man. Hard to tell sometimes.”
Leo shoves the bandana to Mikey, who held it for several moments. The dim lights danced upon the pale scars stretched across his palms. Mikey smiled at everyone. “Thanks guys. It’s really nice to hear your ups and downs, whether it’s a huge or small aspect.”
“As much as I know how much ya’ll want to get a word out,” Raph didn’t. Raph has nothing to confess. “It would be best if I gave Leo the floor, since he invited us all to discuss a couple things.”
Leo gave him a wordless nod.
Then silence - he’s pretty sure it’s because, well, stuff like this is awkward (not for Mikey, talking about emotions is ingrained in his blood, but Raph supposes that even he doesn’t know how to ring everyone in). Leo kept fidgeting and twirling and twisting the teal fabric, unsure how to start a conversation as serious as this and Raph can’t help but sympathise with him. He wouldn’t know how to start one either. Now that he’s really thinking about it, he doesn’t remember the last time they all had a heart-to-heart. Not after winning against Shredder…
“I don’t like the way you’re treating me, Raph,” Leo blurts out, speaking so fast that it almost sounds like a singular word. Raph thinks carefully about saying his next words, but then remembers the absent feel of fabric. He shuts his mouth.
“Everything was too much when dad made me team leader. I mean, it wasn’t bad at first - loved the attention, but yikes was too much for me. The responsibility became too overwhelming,” a waterfall of bottled thoughts thundered from Leo, evidently too hard to stop the flow of words, than to keep it going.
Raph curled into himself more at the response. Memories from that time weren’t so pleasant, but Raph feels like it was more of a collective agreement; Leo wasn’t the only one to lose something that night.
“I kept trying so hard to meet your expectations. Really, I did. There wasn’t a day I wasn’t thinking about how much of a fuck-up I was because I was constantly reminded that hey, one of us could literally die and it’ll be your fault. I did everything you guys wanted - got my act up and not my funny up, and took training seriously but it just wasn’t enough,” Leo gritted.
“I was so desperate to be a good leader. To be like you, Raph. And any grand idea I had going on didn’t feel good enough, no matter how hard I tried, or how carefully planned it was, until one day I just,” he sucked in a breath, wearily looking at a wide-eyed Raph for the first time today. “Gave up. I stopped trying and started acting reckless, all to pissed you off because hey, making you take that role from me is one way to getting things back to how they were. Back before I was constantly ignored whenever I asked for suggestions on leading a team. Before I got judgy looks from Donnie, and before I had to fake it till I made it because Mikey wouldn’t stop asking me questions I didn’t know the answer to.”
Raph knew it was bad, but not the full extent.
He couldn’t have said those horrible words to Leo… right? To hear those words pour out of Leo’s mouth was simply daming, heartbreaking at best, but he had to hold back that intense burn searing behind his eyes. This wasn’t about him, it was about Leo.
“And then the Krang invasion happened,” Leo bitterly bites, shivering at the forbidden mention. It really struck Raph how this was the first time Leo has ever uttered the same, rather flat-out ignoring it, or substituting it for nicknames if he really had to. “And then you went from ignoring me, to suddenly caring about me? What the fuck? All because poor ol’ Leo went from hero to zero?”
Raph shook his head. No, that wasn’t right because Raph had always cared about Leo, about his family. “You’ve gotten it all wrong,” Raph impatiently butted in. “Raph only wanted the best for-”
“Please respect the talking piece and wait your turn,” Mikey harshly comments.
A sharp laugh replies to Raph’s outburst, and that’s when Raph knew that he really should’ve waited his turn. “The best? I had no idea you were a comedian, Raphie.”
“Since when did you care about what I did? You didn’t before, so why are you acting like you do now? I genuinely don’t get it,” Leo shoots an icy glare towards Raph’s direction, palms tugged away from Usagi to clench his own. The teal fabric squeezes within his hold. “Was it because I was beaten up, mangled, so badly, that a glimpse at my body was all it took for you to change your mind?” His voice remained passive and unbothered, but Raph can’t say the same for the pounding beat of his heart becoming increasingly louder.
“May Raph have the talking piece now?” He requested, gravelly voice awfully thick, attempting to keep his emotions at bay.
Clearly against it, Leo fiddled with the bandana for a couple seconds before passing it to Usagi to Donnie to Raph.
Now it was Raph’s turn to make things right. To make everything right.
“Just to make things clear,” Raph starts out. “Raph didn’t like the stupid things you got yourself into, but Raph never hated you,” a small scoff slid out of Leo’s mouth.
“Leo?” Usagi nudged, his voice quiet. “Feeling alright?”
“I’m good, ‘Sagi.” The nickname falls flat. No matter how many slow breaths Leo took, the fury in his eyes couldn’t be extinguished. “ Real fucking peachy.”
Raph holds his ground. “Meant it. You may think Raph has it out for you, but really, Raph was only trying to protect you. To protect everyone. Because someone with experience in leading had to help you out, as hard as it is to believe, even if you didn’t see it like that.”
All while everyone is listening in, Usagi fumbles and twists the rough fabric of his uniform, attempting to release some pent up stress. An action that doesn’t go unnoticed by Donnie, all whom suspiciously eyes Usagi’s bruised knuckles. He adjusts his goggles. It’s hard to notice beyond the wall of white fur, but heat signatures of irritated blotches never fool Donnie’s high techwear. Did he punch something hard?
“What a load of shit,” Leo dangerously spits. The sudden exclamation snaps Donnie out of his secret hypothesis. “The talking piece. May I use it?”
Truth be told, Raph didn’t. He wasn’t done talking, and he still had so many things to say and explain, but he let the fabric wander back to Donnie’s hands.
The moment Leo grasped onto the fabric, the string of thoughts unleashed like a broken dam. “Enough with the protecting excuse. I’m so sick and tired of you recycling the same lies. I remember when you would give me that sickening, disappointed look, everytime I tried to do good, and that’s not it. You’ve singled me out after every mission, over and over until my brothers’ felt like acquaintances. Coworkers. To the point where I doubted my value for the longest time. Until I couldn’t believe I was worth being around because I failed the one job I was supposed to do. And it’s not like I wanted the stupid leader role anyways; it was given to me, and I never, never wanted this responsibility in the first place.”
“Neither did I.”
“ Puh- lease. You bragged about that shit like no tomorrow.”
“Can you guys stop,” Mikey stresses, straining his voice.
“Well, he started it,” Leo pouts, folding his arms. Raph also looks away.
“I agree with Michelangelo,” Usagi pipes in. “It doesn’t matter who started it, as long as we come to a mutual agreement.”
Raph scoffs, rolling his eyes. Since when did he get a say in butting in? That thought quickly disappeared from a mighty whack to his tail by Mikey.
Patient as ever, Mikey turns to Leo, beckoning him to continue.
“Having this much affection, and attention, and support from everyone, especially you, Raph, after having nearly all my bones crushed, my shell definitely shattered, and mental energy washed down the drain, felt majorly messed up! Laughable, even. And don’t you dare give me that fucking clueless look, Raph. Because your motherhenning was just as overwhelming as you shitting on me in the past. Because I couldn’t tell if you genuinely cared for me. Because I didn’t know what I ever did to you to make you hate me!?”
“You took it away from me!” Raph exploded, shooting up and away from the couch and his shocked brothers. Even Mikey didn’t remind him of the talking piece rule.
“Excuse me?” Leo exclaimed with cold disbelief. “Now you’re upset over me taking away your precious leader role?”
Raph’s fist quivered beside his infuriated form, feeling all the enclosed jar of rage suddenly burst open. “All you kept saying was how everything changed without notice and Raph? Raph didn’t think much of it,” Raph bared his teeth, “Thought it was normal.”
“What did you think was normal?” Leo asked slowly, blinking away his scrunched look.
Squaring his shoulders, Raph let out a whispered confession, “To be this stressed this young.” Something foreign slithered down his face, and to confirm his dreaded denial, his vocals became suffocated with tightness and eyes bubbled with hotness. By the time his claw touched his face, he was crying. He doesn’t remember the last time he cried in front of someone.
“Never thought it was weird to have that much pressure on you. We-Well, Pops’ did that to me, and Raph turned out fine?” Raph weakly hiccupped, now cradling himself closer to himself. The attention on his vulnerable state was getting uncomfortable by the second. “He was under a lot of stress too, so it was natural to help him out, and it was understandable why he chose me to be the leader. Because Raph is the eldest. But to have that role robbed overnight hurt. So fucking much. Raph was the one that decided changes, and yet, Raph couldn't handle it being made for me."
The silence became too deafening, but Raph couldn't stop talking even if he wanted to. Part of him felt free from admission, relieved that such a weighing secret has been unveiled and out, and yet, the other part couldn't help but feel guilty. Ashamed. That's he's letting his family, the most important people in his life, into one of his most darkest secrets.
He doesn't think he can look at Leo's face. Empathetic? Unphased? The slightest chance that he'll look at him with disgust, honest to God, frightened him.
"And as awful as it may sound, you were right, Leo. It took me an embarrassingly long time to admit that Raph was in the fault, which is no excuse for the hurtful actions caused. The sight of your unmoving body was too much for me, and Raph swore to himself that he would make things right. To prevent a situation like this from happening again. Because never in my life would Raph ever want you to feel cornered and scared like you did with the Krang general."
"Oh Raphie..."
Raph snapped his head away from the wavering voice. He didn't need pity. His previous actions spoke louder than anything, and all he wanted to do was curl up into a ball and hide.
Geez, who knew facing mistakes was this hard.
"It's not your fault," Mind Raph reasoned. "You didn't know any better."
Raph continues on, pushing through because the least he could do was give Leo an explanation into his thought process, to let him know that he really did try to protect him. "Couldn't afford to lose my brother again, and Raph's brain wouldn't shut up about how your next day might be your last," he said, lower lip quivering. Probably because he was so used to being stressed, that he didn't even register how messed up his thought process was, during that period of time. Raph looks down at Mikey and oh. Oh. Those worried eyes and thinly pressed mouth told him everything he needed to know, because perhaps he wasn't supposed to experience any of that at all
That can't be, Raph's desperately tried to persuade himself, to think of a plausible solution. But trying to envision Mikey in his position only led to a heavy ache in his heart, anchoring him down because someone as sweet, as brave as him doesn't deserve to go through that.
"And well, Raph thought that maybe, just maybe, if Raph could keep you safe by keeping you sheltered just a little longer, then you'll be safe."
Mustering the courage in him, Raph slowly looks up from his feet, scanning every face before landing on Leo. Tear streaks paint his cheeks, staring with an agape mouth. Oh. Perhaps he's not mad at him after all. "But really," Raph weakly chuckles. "Raph was the one hurting you, wasn't he?"
Topaz eyes puncture an emotional wound through and past Raph’s plastron. Leo looked like he was on the verge of crying again, but perhaps it looked like a different type of cry. One that wasn’t infuriated at him.
Maybe. Hopefully. Raph didn’t actually know. He just doesn’t like seeing Leo cry because of the mistakes he made.
Now holding onto the talking piece, Usagi swallows away the thundering nerves coursing in his veins. “As for discussing how Leo and Rapheal’s fights have impacted me, it’s clear that I wasn’t majorly affected.”
Usagi looks at Leo, unaware of his tender gaze as he fixates on his trembling hands. “But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t,” he mournfully admits. “I may not have known Leo for a long time, but he has made me happier than I could’ve imagined,” he doesn’t repress the gentle smile forming on his lips, recalling every unimaginably wild adventures he and Leo have gone through. Experiencing both the epic highs and lows, but together. “I value Leo’s opinion a lot, and it hurts to see him like this. Hurts even more when all I can do as a friend is comfort him.”
He passes his bandana onto Donnie. Unsurprisingly, he shakes his head, forwarding the piece to Mikey. “I’m good,” he responds to Mikey’s imminent frown. He’s not obligated to share his thoughts, Mikey reminded previously, but it is highly recommended. “Understandably, it is quite therapeutic to say it out. But personally, I prefer to speak one on one. With Nardo.”
Coming to the mutual agreement, Mikey inhales deeply. Everyone has their eyes on the youngest.
“It didn’t matter much to me at first,” Mikey licks the dryness of his lips. Despite his therapist persona, even he gets a little nervous revealing the closeted thoughts plaguing his mind. He’s just like everyone else. “Fights usually come and go, so I didn’t mind it when Leon and Raph started bickering. Then the fights got more heated and frequent, and it got harder for me to tell whether or not they were kidding around. Which was scary because it comes to me naturally. But not this time,” letting the fabric lie on his lap, he takes off his glasses, gently folding them, before placing it on the coffee table. The cookies are starting to get cold.
“Sonner or later, they started asking me who was right, who was wrong. And it felt wrong. It felt so wrong,” Mikey croaks out. He takes a moment to stop before stubborn tears found it’s way down his freckled cheeks, breathing in four beats and exhaled out another four. “Because of the divide, they made me feel like I had to pick a side. I didn’t want one of them to favor me while the other felt betrayed. We were supposed to be a family, and families were supposed to stick together.”
And wow, didn't that seal the deal. Waves of searing hotness poured down his cheeks, but Raph couldn't find the energy in him to mask it up, pull it under the rug and act like everything was fine when it wasn't. Not when he was inadvertently affecting his brothers, and apparently himself. Back then, he didn't think, no, know that his petty arguments would create invisible demons to loom and latch onto his brothers' minds.
His gaze locked onto his clawed feet, picking under the dirt under his claws.
Just how long would've Mikey gone radio silent on the issue if they hadn't talked this out today? To pretend that they're family were picture perfect in front of everyone else and themselves? That he wasn't just the victim, but the offender too?
Mikey dragged a hand over his snout, ignoring the slightly disgusted look from Donnie. “Well everyone,” he hands the bandana to Usagi. “I really appreciate your contributions, and I’m glad we had this talk. It’s important that we addressed the betrayal, shame, and abandonment experienced, in order to start the healing process. So we can rediscover trust, belonging, and see our own value again. Really hope that everyone got something out of- OMFPH!
Without sudden notice, giant arms swoop everyone into a bear hug. The crushing pressure was bordering overwhelming, but considering the recent topic of discussion, nobody could possibly have the heart to point it out. Plus, Raph’s bear hugs were always the best.
“What the hell, Raphie,” Leo softly grits, arms blanketing around the snapping alligator, face buried into the crook of his neck. Puddles of wetness begin to pool. “You know you don’t gotta go through that alone.”
“Raph knows, it’s just,” an inward sigh escapes. “Hard.” He fidgets with the black hoodie Leo currently sports, playing with the hood. "It's hard to support you while being jealous. Hadn't known how badly Raph hurted you till now."
“Honestly? Life is hard,” Donnie presses his mouth in a thin line. Everyone nods, agreeing with the sentiment, even Usagi, who somehow is content with staying inside the weighing pressure. Or maybe he’s just too frightened to speak his truth. Only he knows.
"And Mike," Leo mentions. "I'm sorry, like, really sorry for putting you on the spot. It wasn't... it wasn't right for me, me and Raph to do that to you."
Raph silently nods. Snuggling closer to his brother, Mikey sighs with relief. "You're not forgiven yet, but I'm glad that this talk happened."
Even with that answer, both brothers are contempt with that answer. Raph hugs Leo a little closer. “I’m still sorry for putting you through that,” he whispers. The tightness in his throat constricts once more and he lets his eyes fall shut. “Raph promises to make it up to you. Really.”
“Yeah yeah, I got it, big guy,” Leo playfully pats his head. “Just mean what you say when you say we’re co-leading.”
“Ditto.”
“We’re cool, yeah?”
“Yeah, we are.”