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"I'm perfect for him, but he doesn't know it. He's the man of my dreams, but he doesn't want me".
How can love be such a dubious emotion? How can love be a feeling capable of causing pain and joy at the same time? I always thought that hate was the most powerful human feeling, but what a mistake to think that hate is powerful when love exists.
Maybe love and hate are one feeling. At least inside me... They are mixed together into something unique. I feel rage, and love. Anger at myself for not realizing the love I felt for him in time.
Oh, John... I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry I was the first to leave your wedding. I hope you enjoyed the violin sonata I composed for you, of course you did, I know you did. You always praised my compositions, you always enjoyed listening to them. That wasn't my best composition, perhaps it was the worst thing I've composed in years. It was a mourning, almost funereal sonata. Who would write a sonata like this for a wedding?
It turns out that the sonata was not horrible and funereal in its essence and aesthetics. It was the only way it was because the violinist who wrote it was in mourning.
"And I've had my share of beautiful thoughts about you, but they're never enough".
When you said yes to Mary, it was like the ground beneath my feet disappeared. I wanted to close my eyes and return to our old life, where it was just the two of us. Where we were each other’s constant company, even when we disagreed, we were still together.
Is it selfish to want you just for me?
And when you asked Mary if she wanted to be yours forever, I felt like my heart had been broken into more than a thousand pieces. Because I wish I had said yes to you, and I wish you had said yes to me. It's not your fault, John, nor Mary's. It's my fault for denying what I felt for so long.
"I'm tired of talking to a ghost in the sheets, he knows me better than anyone else, oh poor me. And that's the reason I never move on, that ghost in the sheets keeps promising love".
I kept what I felt for so long because I was afraid.
As love is a trap, at the same time as it is liberating, it is a prison. It's such a beautiful feeling, when I realized I was in love, I felt free, I felt like I discovered something I had never experienced. And at the same time I was very afraid, new sensations cause fear. I was afraid that you would know my love for you, because I feared your rejection. The fear of you telling me no became the thing I feared most in my entire life. As someone who loves you, I hope you are happy, even if I am destroyed every time I see you with her. Mary is a great person, it's clear that she truly loves you, and that's what you need, John.
You need love. All forms of love there are, you are worthy of them all.
I have always admired you, since we first met. Everything that is part of your being, everything that makes you up, makes you unique. I don't need to travel the world to make sure you're the most beautiful man in it. I've never met anyone with a soul as beautiful as yours. Your ability to always see the beauty in everything, the good things. This is certainly its greatest quality. You saw kindness in me, when no one else did.
"But I can't touch it, I can only feel it, I can't touch it, I can only feel it, and that's the reason I never move on".
By God... You were so beautiful that day, in fact, you were always beautiful, whether you were wearing that suit at your wedding or wearing your sweaters and grayish clothes. You smiled so much that day, your smile was always beautiful, whether it was the friendly laugh or the shy laugh. I don't have words to describe how much I am surrendered to your smile.
"I lay in my bed, the night is coming, but my empty head starts filling with voices. And I've had my share of the strangest thoughts about it, as always they ain't enough".
Since you got married, I haven't left the house, I barely leave my room. I don't want anyone to see me, not even you, the Sherlock of now is not the same one you knew.
"Oh, ghost of love, so many faces I can't remember".
This Sherlock is sick with love. This Sherlock cried a whole night clinging to your gray sweater that is still here, dreaming and wishing he was clinging to you, wishing to be loved by you. Wanting to protect you when you have bad dreams.
"Disappearing in the fog of the morning like a starling in september. Oh, ghost of love".
I won't do anything stupid to get your attention, not only because you now have a new life, but also because the care I want from you is not the care you give to someone who is sick. I don't believe in other lives before this one, but if by some remote probability, everything they say about past lives is real, I'm sure I loved you for all of them. And I will love you in all the other lives that come, but in other lives I will not make the mistake I made in this one. I promise I won't let you go.
"I wanna hold you in my arms when the lights are on. Why you always hide in the dark?".