Work Text:
Youtube video titled: Alex Claremont-Diaz’s closet being made of glass for 4 minutes bi
Debut Era Performance, 2005
[Alex is standing on a bar stage, with a guitar and standing in front of a microphone, performing ‘Picture to Burn’]
So go and tell your friends
That I’m obsessive and crazy,
That’s fine, I’ll tell mine you’re gay!
And by the way—
Debut Era Interview, 2006
[Alex and a male interviewer are sitting side by side on a red couch]
Interviewer: Do you have a girlfriend?
Alex: Why? Do you want to ask me out?
Interviewer: Oh–
Alex: I’m joking! I’m joking! No, I don’t have a girlfriend right now, do you?
Interviewer: [laughs] Yes, I have a girlfriend
Alex: [snaps fingers in mock disappointment] Darn it!
Alex’s MySpace Vlog, 2008
[Alex is sitting with June and Nora facing the camera, they’re talking about rehearsals for the Fearless Tour]
Alex: Chance, who is one of my dancers, changed in front of me, and his abs were insane…
Nora: [laughs]
June: Don’t be jealous, Alex, you have abs
Alex: I’m not jealous, it’s just…insane
Fearless Tour, 2009
[Blurry footage, recorded from the floor, Alex is performing ‘Forever & Always’ on stage]
And I stare at the phone, he still hasn’t called–
[pauses for a second, then laughs nervously]
…so low, you can’t feel nothing at all
And you flashback to when we said—
Fearless Era Interview, 2009
[Alex and interviewer are sitting on chairs across from each other]
Interviewer: You have a lot of love songs in this album, a lot of heartbreak as well, but many love songs. So, I’ll ask you the question everyone has, are you or were you in love?
Alex: Well, I fall in love like every week, so…[laughs]
Interviewer: [laughs along] Are you in love right now?
Alex: [smiles bashfully] Yeah, I think so
Interviewer: A girlfriend?
Alex: Um…
Interviewer: Or is it not that serious?
Alex: Well, I definitely wouldn’t say girlfriend
Interviewer: Soon to be girlfriend?
Alex: Well…
Fearless Era Interview, 2009
[Alex and female interviewer are sitting on two armchairs facing each other, divided by a small table]
Interviewer: My boyfriend is a big fan, he’ll be so pleased I met you
Alex: Oohhhh, do you want to call him now?
Interviewer: [looks at someone off-camera] Could I?
Alex: I think you can, and I’m the one being interviewed
Interviewer: [laughs] Okay, yeah, I’ll call him
[Alex stands up and walks up to behind the interviewer’s arm chair]
Alex: Is that him in the picture? [interviewer nods] Cute! You’re a lucky, lucky girl
Speak Now Era Interview, 2010
[Alex is sitting across a male interviewer, who asked him a question and is waiting for a response]
Alex: Sorry, I am sorry, could you repeat that? I was distracted
Interviewer: [laughs] Sure–
Alex: Sorry, it’s just your eyes, they’re so green, it’s hard to focus
Speak Now Tour, 2012
[Footage recorded from balcony seat, Alex is performing ‘Speak Now’ on stage]
But you are not the kind of boy
Who should be marrying the wrong girl
[Alex’s face falls, as he realizes his mistake, and he makes a wide eyed panicked face, but he quickly recovers before the next verse starts]
I sneak in and see your friends
And his snotty little family–
Red Era Interview, 2012
[Alex is sitting across two interviewers, male and female]
Alex: I’m sorry, you’re both so, like…tall and gorgeous, it’s hard to think
Female Interviewer: [laughs bashfully]
Alex: Don’t even do that! Look at you guys, I feel uncomely
Male Interviewer: You are an international superstar, we feel uncomely
Alex: [disbelieving] Please! Look in the mirror
Red Tour, 2014
[Alex is performing ‘I Knew You Were Trouble’ in a piano, choking up, recorded from the floor]
And the saddest fear comes creeping in
That he never loved, or her, or anyone, or anything
Yeah–
1989 Era Interview, 2014
[Alex and interviewer are sitting across from each other]
[Text on screen: watching this after we got confirmation that they dated in 2013-2015 hits different]
Interviewer: So, you are friends with model Liam Hill–
Alex: That’s true! God, that boy is probably one of the best things to have happened to me…
Interviewer: Oh! That’s adorable, you guys must be really close
Alex: No, yeah, he’s just such a kind soul, he is the loveliest and brightest person I've ever met, everyone that meets him just loves him instantly, so I’m really grateful that he’s sticking by my side…he’s a good friend
1989 Era Interview, 2014
[Alex is sitting at a couch with different celebrities, at what looks like a Late Night Show]
Host: So, in your song ‘Welcome To New York’ you say, “You can want who you want, boys and boys, and girls and girls”, because of this, people are now calling it an equality anthem. What do you have to say about that?
Alex: [makes a slightly alarmed face, but then schools his expression into a smile] Uhh…I feel like the song speaks for itself really. One of my favorite things about New York City is how much it embraces being unique, and I think…it’s really important, to accept everyone no matter their differences
1989 Tour, May 5th 2015
[Alex is performing ‘I Know Places’, pointing at a specific section of the crowd]
Just grab my hand and don’t ever drop it,
My love
They are the hunters, and we are the foxes
And we run
[A video of the same night, from a different angle, where you can see Liam dancing to ‘Shake It Off’ in the section Alex was pointing at]
1989 Tour, 2015
[Alex is performing ‘You Are In Love’, recorded from the floor]
Pauses then says,
“You’re my best friend”
And you knew what it was
He is in love
Undefined Era Interview, April 15th, 2016
[Alex is sat across an interviewer]
[Text on screen: note that this is post liam/alex breakup]
Interviewer: So, your best friend Liam Hill recently came out, I was wondering what your thoughts were on that?
Alex: I think it’s fantastic, I was really, really proud of him. He’s incredibly brave…I wish I…He’ll never know how proud of him I am, being yourself takes a lot of courage that not a lot of us have, he really is something special
Phone Call Transcript between: Liam Hill and Alex Claremont-Diaz, May 1st 2016
Liam: Hey
Alex: Hi! Sorry, hello, I wasn’t expecting you to call
Liam: Yeah, I wasn’t sure I would call either
Alex:…Why are you calling? Not that I’m not happy to hear from you, but it’s been a while
Liam: I just wanted to say I hate how we left things off. And I saw your interview today, and I heard what you said about me, you were really kind
Alex: I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true…and listen, I’m very much over you, it’s been like a year, but I still wish I could’ve been brave for us, brave like you
Liam: You are not not brave for not wanting to come out yet. That’s kind of what I wanted to talk about, I have a lot to say sorry for
Alex: You ? I'm the one that should be saying sorry
Liam: [hesitant] Do you want to meet up for coffee? We can talk better than over the phone
Twitter, May 5th, 2015
pheebs @umcrustables
nooo, why does it look like they’re fighting :(
[picture of Liam and Alex in a Tokyo restaurant sitting together, both looking tense. Liam is gesticulating with his hands]
[picture of Alex sitting alone at the same table, with his face in his hands]
↳ alex’s eyelash @clxremonts
he probably just went to the bathroom or something. paparazzi literallt take everything out of context
Cafe, May 1st, 2016
It’s weird, seeing Liam again after everything.
The way things had ended between them, Alex had thought he would probably never see him again. He’s pretty sure he blocked most of the night out, but he remembers dropping Liam’s hand when the waitress asked for their order. Then, the next thing he knew he was flying to Winchester by himself, and staying in the double room without anyone by his side.
Apparently, Liam remembers the night a lot more.
And he regrets it.
“I really should’ve handled it better”, Liam says for what feels like the tenth time this evening, “You were scared, and instead of being there for you I snapped at you and left you alone”.
“You had every right to”, Alex repeats, again, “It’s not your fault I wasn’t ready”.
“It’s not yours either”, Liam tells him.
It’s everything Alex would have wanted to hear a year ago. But right now, he can admit, he thinks he can understand Liam’s side a lot more.
“You wanted to come out. I would’ve held you back, you had every right to leave”
”But not in the way I did”, Liam tells him, “It wasn’t right. I loved you, and that night I didn’t treat you the way someone that loves you should treat you”.
It feels really fucking nice to hear; because as much as he had blocked out he remembers hurting. Hurting so much he felt like he couldn’t breathe, and then having to perform a show the next day while feeling like he would die.
“Thank you Liam…I wish I could’ve been ready for you”.
Liam smiles at him gently, not in the way he used to when they were together, all secret and rushed, with barely contained lust and love; this is just a friendly smile. Comforting and nice.
“I hope you will be ready someday, not for me or anyone else, but for yourself”.
Arva at Aman Tokyo, May 5th, 2015
”I cant fucking believe you”, Liam exclaims
Alex turns to the waitress and plasters his best fake smile, “I think we’ll need a couple more seconds to order”, he says. He watches as the waitress hurries off before turning back to Liam.
”What’s wrong?” he asks.
”You just dropped my hand like you were playing a game of hot potato”, Liam says, running his hands through his hair.
”I–She could’ve seen us, I don’t want to risk anything getting out”.
”Fuck that!” Liam screams, “As a matter of fact, fuck you!”.
Alex wants to say something. Anything. But it feels like his mouth is snapped shut, and all he can do is watch as his boyfriend loses his mind.
”We shouldn’t have to hide! I shouldn’t have to be scared that a waitress might see me holding my boyfriend’s hand!” Liam yells out, “This is too much work for the very little you can give me, I don’t have to stand for this”.
And before Alex even has time to process his words, he’s walking away. Alex doesn’t exactly know where he’s going, because they’re staying at the hotel together and they’re in god damn Tokyo, but he knows Liam doesn’t return to their room that night. And he doesn’t call the next day, or show up to his performance. Singing their songs that night feels like getting stabbed through the chest.
Alex’s Voice Notes, May 10th, 2015
[playing ‘Dancing With Our Hands Tied’, voice choking up]
I could’ve spent forever with your hands in my pocket
Pictures of your face in my invisible locket
You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it but
I had a bad feeling
Grand Hyatt, Melbourne, December 13th, 2015
“I am never touring again” Alex whispers to June, who is laying next to him in bed.
June laughs, and then flicks his nose, “Don’t be stupid, you love touring”. He does love touring, although lately he’s been feeling more and more worn out as the show goes on, and by the end of it he all but collapses into a backstage chair, and he needs at least half an hour to feel like he can even stand. He loves touring, but he’s never been more glad that a tour ended.
”I do”, he agrees, “But I’m so tired”.
”You can rest”, she reassures him. But he takes no comfort it. He quite literally can’t rest. Because the next album is supposed to be released next year, and all he’s got are two songs. He knows by next month it’s all anyone will ask about, and for once he won’t have to lie when he says he’s not sure when it will come out.
“I’m so tired”, he repeats.
June smiles, “Then sleep, it’s like two in the morning”.
He can’t even laugh. When he tries to sleep all he can think about is the songs he’s not writing. The record that is not coming.
Everyone will be so disappointed.
Phone Call Extract Transcript between: Rafael Luna and Alex Claremont-Diaz, December 18th, 2015
Alex: Hey, Raf! How are you doing?
Raf: …Sorry, kid, this a business call
Alex: Got it, what’s up?
Raf: How are those songs coming along?
Alex: [hesitantly] They’re coming…
Raf: Listen, I am not trying to push you here, but you need to understand that everyone is expecting the album, at most by November, and that’s pushing it. We still would have to shoot music videos and handle promotion before the release. So everything would have to be done by September
Alex: I know…
Raf: It’s not fair that you are expected to do so much, but that’s how the business works, and we’ve already set up expectation. I wish it wasn’t so–
Alex: You don’t need to explain things to me how the business works, I know!
Raf: Alright…so get to work, okay?
Alex: [dejectedly] Okay
April 11th, 2016, PEN Literary Awards
”Alex, I didn’t expect to see you here,” says Miguel Ramos.
Alex’s history with Miguel is one of the most complicated things in his life. The first time they ever interacted, he was snatching an award out of his hand and humiliating him on stage. The second time, they ran into each other at an award show and ended up hooking up in the bathroom.
Ever since then, every negative emotion Alex ever had towards him was squashed, but that doesn’t stop the initial shock he feels every time he sees his face, and the urge to hide from him to not go through that humiliation again. He probably won’t ever get over that, he just keeps it in the back of his mind, like everything else that hurts him that he’s not ready to deal with.
“Hey, Miguel”
They end up hooking up in the bathroom again.
When they’re done, out of the bathroom and into the event again, Miguel mentions the idea of him tweeting the release of his new song, the one he had called him about. If Alex is being honest, with everything he’s had going on, he almost entirely forgot about it.
”Well just send me the song when it’s ready, and let’s see”.
Miguel smiles. Alex isn’t sure if he wants to kiss him or punch him.
“If you ever want to do this again, you have my number”, Miguel tells him as they say goodbye.
Less than a month later, Alex meets someone who makes him forget to ever call, and then a month after that Miguel ruins his life.
Twitter, November 15th, 2017
carson @alltoonotwell
now that they’re both out, i have to wonder if liam and alex were a thing like a lot of ppl suspected they were
↳ Liam H. @liamhills ✓
Can confirm they were, in fact, a thing lol
↳ emma @tinkerbellkinnie
liam wtf are u doing here
Alex’s New Year Party, January 1st, 2018
Alex is happy. It’s noticeable to anyone that sees him, but it is even more noticeable to Liam, who knew him when he was probably the most unhappy he’d ever been.
He’s not stupid, he knew Alex was in a bad place when they were together, but he was too caught up in in his own problems and feelings to realize just how deeply unhappy Alex was, and how badly he was really struggling.
Sometimes he wishes he had paid more attention to him, helped more, but as he watches him with Henry, watches how they shine together, he understands that maybe he wasn’t the right person to help.
Spencer returns with their drinks and gives him a kiss. “I love you”.
Liam smiles.
He wasn’t the right person for Alex, and Alex wasn’t the right person for him. But they are alright now, so nothing else really matters.
Henry and Alex’s bedroom, June 14th 2020
”Love”, Henry whispers, it’s so quiet Alex isn’t even sure he would’ve heard it if he wasn’t paying attention so closely, “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, because it isn’t about you at all. I love you”.
”Okay?” Alex says, already feeling his heart starting to speed up, his palms starting to sweat. Without meaning to, he is already thinking about the worst-case scenario.
Henry grabs his face, pulling his attention back to him, “We’re alright, you’re alright”.
Alex nods, he knows.
”I just…sometimes standing next to you out in public is a lot”, Henry tells him, “It feels like everyone in the room is watching us, it’s hard to handle sometimes”.
Alex has always known this. Always tried to deal with it the best way he could, which sometimes wasn’t very healthy, but now there was someone else. Someone else who wasn’t used to all of this, and who had every right to not want it. He just hoped the ‘a lot to handle’ never became ‘too much to handle’.
Henry’s Camera Roll, June 20th, 2020
[Alex is singing ‘peace’, playing guitar, focused on playing but throwing some meaningful looks at behind the camera]
Is it enough?
But there’s robbers to the east, clowns to the west
I’d give you my sunshine, give you my best,
But the rain is always gonna come if you’re standing with me
[smiles sadly at behind the camera while playing]
Would it be enough?
If I could never give you peace
Henry and Alex’s bedroom, June 20th, 2020
”You are everything to me,” Henry whispers into his shoulder, he had pulled him into a hug when he was done playing, and after a few minutes, they still hadn’t pulled away, or really said anything at all. Henry’s words were the ones to break the silence, “I don’t want you to ever doubt that”.
”I know”, Alex says, and he’s slightly surprised to find that this isn’t even a lie. He knows Henry loves him, he just also knows that his lifestyle is a lot to handle. This song was just him being honest about it.
“I love you, and I will stand by your side even if the whole world is watching…But I might struggle with it”.
”That’s okay”, Alex says, kissing Henry’s head, “I’ll be here”.