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"I wish I had never loved you."
That night, under the fireworks blooming in the sky, the words that played in my head while he watched the lights which dazzled the sky.
That festival night, as we wandered the grounds together, the streets full of chatter and laughter yet all I could hear was him.
"Oh~! Zedsy, they've got your favourite thing: goldfish scooping!"
"Because it involves animals, you believe it's my favourite?" a sigh followed.
"What? You love animals, though! C'mon- ah, you're gonna lecture me on about how these poor lil' fishies are sickly and all that, aren't you? I know, I know." he non-chalantly added. Xander was always seemingly dismissive about almost anything, the keyword being seemingly.
It was last year, the first time we went to this festival together; a few stalls had changed, a few new ones, a few new faces, and while you seemingly were the same, these new feelings had emerged.
"Mm, I remember." a pause, his eyes almost matched the golden hue of the goldfish, only, it was far more brilliant "... then, are we playing?"
Honestly, his so-called dismissive and non-chalant attitude would throw anyone off at first. Yet, if he truly didn't care even enough to listen, he wouldn't have remembered such pointless words from my mouth.
"Huh? You actually wanna play~? I thought you were totally against this kinda stuff!" he sneered back at me, in a playful, cat-like manner.
Really, I hated him.
"I am." as I picked up a poi "however, I do believe that... now that the goldfish are here, we might as well enjoy ourselves and look after the ones we manage to bring home."
A quick snicker came out of his mouth before he quickly snuffed it out and added "ohh~, learnt to be more flexible now? No more Mister Stone-faced, kinda... maybe." while he grabbed a poi as well.
"... you're the one who said that."
"... really? Damn, I can be so profound at times."
I rolled my eyes which only prompted Xander to laugh this time.
His stupid laugh.
Do you know just how hard it is to...
Put these thoughts away.
"Ah?! Come back here, you lil' runt!" with, at first glance, the frantic flailing of scooping accompanied by endearing insults, but rather boisterous movements all for the sake of... something. I wasn't exactly sure, but it was very him.
"Hey, at this rate, I'm gonna catch 'em all before you!" followed by that oh-so familiar pout.
Really, you make it this difficult!
"... not if your poi breaks before mine." and immediately, I went to attack his paper net with my own without a second thought.
"Sabotage?! What the hell! Back off, whitey! You're gonna scare the fish!"
I couldn't help but let out a laugh.
When I looked back at Xander, I was met with his gentle gaze and warm smile.
Again, he made the world disappear, even for a second.
"You done destroying my only hopes of saving these guys? Good! 'cause I definitely caught way more than you, anyway~" he applauded himself for his triumphant victory.
"Wo~w, you really are the saviour of goldfish." I jested at him. This time, he rolled his eyes.
Briefly, we walked through the crowd while admiring the various stalls: masks, different food items, trinkets and games - all of which I've seen countless of times.
And yet, I'd go see them countless more times if it meant I could walk with him just a little longer.
"Sooo... what do you wanna do? I already chose the first one, so now it's your turn." Xander turned back to look at me, his eyes as captivating as ever.
"Whatever it is that you would like to do." a natural response followed.
"Haaaa?" now fully turned to face me "No cheap skips! No passes! It's your turn!" Xander continued whilst marching up towards me.
"You chose the previous one because it was my favourite, wouldn't that count as my turn?"
"Nope. Nada. I chose it, dumbass."
"Hmm... then, how about going to the karage stall?"
"Ohhh, your favourite: unhealthy food." he smiled and nodded to himself, before quickly switching "I'm not that stupid! Where do you wanna go?!"
How infuriating. Usually, I'd go with whatever anyone else wishes to do. At their pace, to accommodate their wants, to look out for others.
And here he is, being insistent over what I want.
Xander gave an over-exaggerated sigh "Fiiiine. We'll go get karage... and takoyaki, but once we do that, you need to pick the next one, 'kay? I can't do all the work around here!" with that stupid pout of his again.
"Alright." finally giving in.
And without a second thought, Xander reached out and took my hand to drag me off.
You can't win against the selfishness of a child.
I couldn't remember when it started exactly, but more than often we'd share food, just as we were at that moment.
A bite of this, a bite of that.
If he wasn't careful, or if I weren't so me, he would have to worry about the next thing to be bitten.
Stop.
"Mmph— ish shtill hot!"
"I did tell you to be careful." I replied, while still holding out the pick previously holding the takoyaki.
Not that he could properly reply, Xander was too busy occupied with the dancing takoyaki in his mouth.
For a moment, it was quiet, at least between us. The ever bustling atmosphere of the festival continued on. With children that ran around, toys or prizes in hand, or some who quietly admired the sparklers at hand.
I couldn't help but observe while eating.
The sparks, whilst only fleeting, brought a moment of joy to the watchful children.
However, in that short moment, the oversized rat had taken a bite— no, the whole takoyaki from my hand.
"That's what you get for getting distracted— Ow!" without hesitation, I hit his head.
The one to make me act out of character.
"Thief."
"Assaulter!"
"It was self-defence. You're the one who stole from me."
"Doesn't mean you can just hit me, y'know?!"
"..."
I faked being upset and looked away. It was extremely uncharacteristic of me to do so - his childishness must have rubbed off on me, perhaps. Immediately, his tone switched and he frantically looked over at me "Oioioioi! I'll get you another one then!" as he waved his hands as if he were putting out a fire.
So irritating, annoying enough that I let out an amused sigh.
"You were faking it! You fake-y fake! Geez, you got me there... I mean, you're not one get upset over minor things like this - well, not openly."
The one to make me expose these unsightly, hideous emotions.
"I was only joking." I casually replied with a half-smile.
The innocence in his eyes shone, a pure kind of curiosity hidden behind doubt or mistrust.
"Really? Well, if you say so. But... y'know, I like seeing you being more honest - even if you were joking there. So—" Xander titled his head at me, his ponytail having fallen over his shoulders "—I'm gonna pretend you were just practising how to stop being a doormat!" with a smile left on his face.
I had always thought Xander wasn't honest due to his embarrassment at his own good-nature, or that he enjoyed playing himself as the 'bad boy' type. Or that he had some sort of... complex where he couldn't see himself as a good person, so he instead chose to detach himself by playing this facade.
At least that meant I didn't have to find myself face-to-face to his feelings so unguarded too often.
Though, there's no denying these moments were like sparklers.
"You're one to talk, Xander."
"Whadya mean "you're one to talk", huh? I'm always honest! Trustworthy, reliable—"
"—handsome, charming, talented, hard-working—"
"—Heyheyhey! Stop that!"
"Should I carry on? You are the one who told me all this."
"Don't you know what "stop" means? And here I thought you were smart... tsk tsk."
"Of course not, compared to you at least, Mister Genius."
"I mean... that's a given! And that's not an excuse for you to skip out on choosing the next thing we're doing!"
"Ah, and here I hoped you had forgotten. I'm kidding. Then, shall we go?"
A promise was a promise, even if it wasn't officially one.
Tink. Tink.
Flawlessly and effortlessly.
"... okay, Mister Perfectionist."
"Are you upset that I did better than you?"
"No! But you set me up like a fool! Blehhh!" as he stuck his tongue out.
How dangerous.
He ruffled his own hair before snapping back to his usual demeanor.
Like a metronome.
Honestly, the way he would go back and forth cut into me like a saw.
I really wish I had never loved him.
"Ohhh, wait, I totally get it now. You're the perfect older brother who babies his crybaby of a bro— ow!! Again?!" Xander yelled after I kicked him on reflex.
"I guess someone like you would be good at the shooting gallery, anyway~. 'sides, if we kept playing, I'm sure we'd get banned from hogging all the prizes."
"I'd get banned, you mean?" a half-witted joke naturally left my mouth.
It's strange how comfortable I get with this guy.
"Don't disregard my prizes!"
"... your Pocky haul?" with a raised eyebrow.
"Duh. They're also prizes - so now you're discriminating against prizes... man, you're such a terrible person~."
It's almost as if he wanted me to hit him.
We continued to walk again, unsure as of what to do after, however if it's one thing I've learnt from Xander, it's that moments of uncertainty like this aren't bad at all. A leisurely stroll surrounded by the amber glow dissipating into the emptiness of the night sky.
Everything would work out in the end, as long as I was with you.
Suddenly, Xander turned around and put a Pocky in my mouth.
"Want one?"
"... you're supposed to ask first." as I took out the Pocky from my mouth to answer.
"Oops." he casually responded.
He really did want me to hit him.
"You might want to practise your manners, Xander."
"Don't need to~, I'm a well-behaved person."
"I don't believe you."
"Alright. Look: my esteemed sir, may I humble you with this offering of an unassuming yet popular piece of confectionery?"
He took the bait.
Without hesitation, I grabbed his wrist holding out this unassuming yet popular piece of confectionery and took a bite from it.
For a moment, he stared in stunned silence, until he realised we had been gazing into each other's eyes.
Again, the world became just the two of us.
Xander quickly turned his head away with a huff "I think someone else needs etiquette classes!" his reddened ears telling of his embarrassment.
It's weird, it was Xander who was embarrassed, and yet I felt my own heart rate quicken.
And the thought of wanting to see these faces of his more flickered in my mind.
It had gotten really hard to lie to myself about these feelings.
The one to make my heart race, the one I wanted to see tomorrow with.
"Then, are you willing to teach me, Xander?"
A delayed response of "nope!" finally blurted out.
"Shame."
Xander, as quickly as he shied away, he quickly came right back and asked "well, the fireworks are gonna start... so, wanna go see them?"
Instinctively, he held out his hand for me.
And instinctively, I took it.
That night, under the fireworks blooming in the sky, the words that played in my head while he watched the lights which dazzled the sky.
You, the one to see through my lies. You, the one to peer into my heart. You, the one I would give my very heart to.
"I'm really glad I fell in love with you."