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The 49% of Kim Dokja feels like luggage. He was not allowed to participate in any scenario. He was carried around on Lee Hyunsung's back at all times. He felt like an object. An item. A tool. All for his friends and family to reach another him. Another him who he could never be.
'Why...? Am I not enough...?' Kim Dokja thinks when Han Sooyoung confronts him about not being the real Kim Dokja.
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'What can I do to be the person you guys yearn for?' Kim Dokja thinks as he watches the battle in the Chungmuro station from Lee Hyunsung's back.
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'Please... let me prove myself, I remember how to fight, I remember our adventures... please let me prove myself by fighting, prove that I am Kim Dokja,' he thinks as they kill Han Sooyoung's avatar for the 10th scenario.
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The 15th, 23rd, 37th and the 41st scenario all pass by without a single problem.
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"Kim Dokja will come with me for this scenario," Yoo Joonghyuk declares in the 46th scenario.
Kim Dokja smiles. Finally, he would have a chance to speak to Yoo Joonghyuk in private. Perhaps he can convince Yoo Joonghyuk that he can be Kim Dokja too.
Kim Dokja and Yoo Joonghyuk get teleported into the dark room, dimly lit by a single shining white star.
"...Yoo Joonghyuk," Kim Dokja starts slowly. He's thought about what he wants to say. He'll say it formally, like Kim Dokja would've—no, like he would've.
Yoo Joonghyuk glances at him, as if surprised that he would even talk.
"I... I don't understand why you guys regressed. I don't understand why you guys would search for me when I'm right here," Kim Dokja says in a clear voice. He wants to have his message sent clear.
"...Because you are not the Kim Dokja I fell in love with," Yoo Joonghyuk's voice is cold.
"...What?" Kim Dokja pauses.
"You are not the Kim Dokja I fell in love with," Yoo Joonghyuk repeats his words, sharp and clear.
Kim Dokja stares, his mouth gaping. He doesn't know what to say.
Yoo Joonghyuk simply continues, "The Kim Dokja I fell in love with loved a certain story. I fell in love with how his eyes sparkled and his lips curved up into a beautiful smile whenever he thought of that story, whenever he spoke of it and whenever he read it."
Kim Dokja feels like he just got hit in the head. No, that's way less painful than what he's feeling right now. He feels as if his heart was crushed by a rock hundreds of thousands of times.
"But... but I still love you, I have the memories of being with you... of cuddling you, sleeping with you, hugging you... of when we went stargazing, of when we cleared those dungeons and scenarios... I have memories of you, I have memories of us..." Kim Dokja's voice falls to a pained whisper. Why won't his companions look at him the way he remembers them?
"But you do not read. You do not have the old habits. You do not hum to yourself when you work. You do not talk about the story you love... the story that I love listening to, you never talk about my story..." Yoo Joonghyuk trails off as well.
Kim Dokja's heart shatters. He hates this now. He hates his other self that would be sitting in a train, dreaming on. His fists clenches and his shoulders tremble.
"...Why...?" Kim Dokja wants to yell, to shout, to scream, to portray his anger but.... he can't. He just doesn't have the heart to... the heart the other him made. The memories he held were too great. If he were to yell, shout, scream and display his full anger then it would just prove that he isn't the real Kim Dokja.
Instead, Kim Dokja speaks what's on his mind.
"If I were... to be born as someone else, then you wouldn't love me... all because I didn't read a stupid story."
Kim Dokja's vision gets blurry.
"If what you want is a Kim Dokja who reads a stupidly long story then I will read that damned story. If you want a Kim Dokja who only talks about that story then I will only talk about that story.... just please, please just look into my eyes and smile at me like you did in my memories. Bicker with me. Argue. Fight. Anything... just please... acknowledge m-" Kim Dokja is cut off when the scenario ends.
Kim Dokja grits his teeth. He meant to come out of the scenario with his problems solved but no. His problems only got worse. He wanted to stop crying. He couldn't. The emotions just came over him like a wave.
The scenarios continue until they stood at the final wall once more.
"Jang Hayoung," Han Sooyoung spoke in a determined voice.
"Yes ma'am."
[The 'Wall of Impossible Communication' has discovered its intended position.]
"Yoo Sangah."
Yoo Sangah nodded before extending her arm towards the wall as well.
Kim Dokja wanted to stop this from happening.
'No, no, no, no, no, no, no,' he thought. 'I... I don't want them to reach the other me... I don't... I want then to- to be happy with me, I want to be the source of their happiness. Why won't they look at me? What do I lack? Why can't they see that I am also what they yearn fo-' his thoughts get cut off again, as if he doesn't even get the right to think because he is not the other Kim Dokja.
"Help us, Kim Dokja," Han Sooyoung's gentle voice says.
Kim Dokja looks up from over Lee Hyunsung's shoulder. His tears are rolling down his cheeks. It was already his turn.
He shakes his head.
"T-the other me might not want this to happen... this story... it already ended back then..." it takes everything Kim Dokja has to not choke on his own tears. 'I want to be stay with you guys.'
The thought is left unspoken.
Han Sooyoung stared at Kim Dokja quietly before saying, "then why don't we ask after meeting the other you?"
And then he stops. Kim Dokja blinks slowly as he looks at his companions who all look at him with pleading eyes. A sad little smile plays on Kim Dokja's lips and he realizes, he will never be the person his companions want... no matter what he does, he will never be wanted.
"...If this is... the story you wanted..."
Kim Dokja himself knows that he is getting more and more exhausted everyday. He is tired. He will continue to grow tired. He was made to make his companions happy... he will fulfill the task one last time.
Kim Dokja's pale hand reached forward.
'I don't want to die, I want to be happy... I want to read books with Yoo Sangah-ssi, I want to go to Jung Heewon and Lee Hyunsung-ssi's wedding, I want to watch Lee Jihye graduate, I want to go stargazing with Yoo Joonghyuk, I want to read Han Sooyoung's novel and... I want to go to the beach and pc room with Lee Gilyoung and go to the han river and eat pizza and chicken with Shin Yoosung... just one last time...'
The moment the thin and frail hand touched the wall, Kim Dokja's body began to tremble greatly. It was as if the world was denying his existence.
And soon after that, a portion of the wall opened up along with loud splitting noises. Kim Dokja shook as if he was getting electrocuted. He blacked out instantly. Lee Hyunsung continued to carry him on the back.
Yoo Joonghyuk who was dusting the blade of his Black Heavenly Demon Sword spoke up. "Forward, at top speed."
Along with his signal, the group began running forward, not even once thinking of the man who had just sacrificed himself once more.