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Lothriel’s Instructions for Night Watch Guards:
Step One: Why are We Here and Other Philosophical Questions: Ask yourself how you got this job. If the answer is that I successfully talked you into swapping shifts with me, then congratulations! You may now move on to step two.
If the answer is that you’ve recently been hired to fill an opening that nobody seems eager to talk about, then bad news! One of these steps apparently did not work out for me. Please carefully consider just how badly you need the rent money before proceeding to step two.
Step Two: Let’s Face It, Rent’s Not Getting Any Cheaper Around Here: When the sun goes down, things get a little . . . strange at the museum. The good news is, you’re not crazy. The bad news is, yes, all the exhibits are coming to life. Yes, all of them.
In more bad news, the curator is not currently open to suggestions that perhaps the ancient statue of Sauron recently recovered from a dive to ancient Numenor should be removed on the grounds of bad taste. So . . . good luck with that.
Step Three: Been There, Done That, Accidentally Destroyed Half the Gift Shop’s T-Shirts: Fortunately for you, I’ve faced all of these before. The remaining steps in this handy how-to guide will tell you everything you need to know to keep yourself alive and the exhibits in eh-good-enough shape come morning.
Priority One: The Numenorean Exhibit: We have a statue of Sauron now. You are going to have to deal with that. So far, I’ve been sticking him next to the statue of Ar-Pharazon, and it seems to have worked to keep him playing ‘in character’ as a prisoner.
I think.
I have no idea how much of the actual Sauron’s guile and/or powers the statue has inherited, so it’s possible this thing has actually been plotting world domination since the exhibit opened.
In good news, the curator has seemed more open to my “let’s get a statue of one of the Valar” petitions than my “let’s get rid of the obviously cursed statue” petitions, so maybe you’ll have some better containment options soon.
Although if the Valar he chooses to represent is Morgoth, I’m out of ideas. Good luck to you.
Priority Two: The Lonely Mountain Exhibit: We also have a Smaug statue. The good news about this is that the statue depicts Smaug emerging from the mountain, so we only have half of a dragon instead of the full thing. Its mobility is extremely limited.
The bad news is that the half we have is the front half, so it can very much still breathe fire.
So far, I’ve been containing that part of the threat by spritzing it with water from the Mirkwood exhibit's model Enchanted River the second the sun goes down, but I suspect this isn’t good for the statue long term, and there’s always the risk that I’ll accidentally touch said model of the river and fall into an enchanted sleep myself. Feel free to get creative!
Just not so creative the fire department gets involved.
(Please note that there are plenty of statues that will be happy to help you kill the dragon. This is not ideal, as we do still want an exhibit in the morning. It is better than unleashing a dragon on the city, though.)
(I have tried using the water on Sauron. So far, no luck, although it has arguably given me the title of “first person to try fighting Sauron with a mop bucket of water.” I don’t recommend it.)
Priority Three: The Feanorian Diorama: They’re so small, you say. How can they possibly cause problems, you say.
Technically, they are not, in any sense of the word, your biggest problem. They are, however, attempting to steal the Silmaril that is probably powering this whole mess, so . . .
(If they succeed, it will probably mean the end of exhibits coming to life. Of course, it also means that the most valuable gem in the world will have been stolen on your watch.)
(I leave that decision in your capable hands. I’m either on vacation or dead, so whatever happens, my hands are clean.)
(No, I did not set up a carefully negotiated deal with them to create a win scenario for them that did not involve me losing my job. It did not take five hours and was not interrupted by a battle with Smaug. I did not specifically request you to be the one to take my shift because of that whole mess with our last raises.)
(Promise.)
(But not a promise unto eternal darkness should my word faileth.)
Priority Whatever: There’s a homeless guy that’s been hanging outside of the museum lately. Seems like he might be trying to break in. Given everything that’s going on inside the museum, however, he’s not your biggest problem, and honestly, if he does get in, good luck to him.
(He . . . does look an awful lot like one of the Feanorian miniatures. But that’s probably just a coincidence.)
(Yeah. Let’s go with that.)