Chapter Text
What’s worth suffering for?
«You couldn’t even Send a few words?» Shadowheart scolded them as soon as they entered Sebastian’s house, crossing her arms. «Imbeciles.»
«We’re sorry, truly, we just thought-»
«No, Halsin, clearly you haven’t given a single thought about it or you would have informed us of your whereabouts.» She stared them down for a long second before sighing deeply and stepping aside. «I’m glad you’re back.»
«So are we.» Sebastian looked over her shoulder to the table, where Karlach and Wyll were sitting, gazing then toward the stairs. «Is he…?»
«Still upstairs. No word since we came in, he’s seized the bathtub, and I suppose he’s soaking in it. Probably a vampire broth at this point.» She tried to smile, looking worried. «I don’t blame him.»
Sebastian felt a sting of guilt. «Maybe I should-» A firm hand settled on his shoulder.
«Give him some space.» Halsin said, patting him. «He’ll come around when he’s ready.»
«Yeah, soldier. Not much we can do for him but be there when he needs us.» Karlach agreed, stretching her arms. «Did you three get some rest? We have stuff to do.»
Nere scoffed. « Stuff ? What do you-»
«We’re going to the House of Grief. Today.» Shadowheart answered, taking a big breath. «I can’t delay this any more.»
«Right after a powerful vampire lord?» Sebastian complained, but nodded anyway. «I can’t stop you and I did promise you I’d help, but…»
«If you still need some healing, I’m here.» Halsin said, rubbing his neck. «And Shadowheart’s probably right, the longer we delay facing the Sharrans, the more her parents will suffer.»
Sebastian exchanged a tired look with Nere, both probably thinking the same thing about the irrelevant topic of parents, his gaze wandering again toward the stairs. «Alright. But someone needs to stay here and keep an eye on him.»
«We can ask Gale.» Wyll proposed. «He wanted to work on some new spells and he can do it from here. Also, Astarion likes cats, doesn’t he? Tara can-»
«Absolutely fucking not.» Sebastian interrupted him, cursing in drowic. «Gale Dekarios will be able to get close to my studio and arcane artifacts only when I am dead and rotting in a cave.»
«Can’t you just let this stupid competition go? It’s getting tiresome.» Shadowheart rolled her eyes. «Do as you like, we leave in an hour. Be ready.»
«Sebastian’s got a point.» Nere said in his defense. «No wizard would let another roam through his prized collection without supervision.»
The cleric raised an eyebrow. «Right, as if you don’t.»
He blushed, pale cheeks reddening. «I… I earned that.»
She chuckled. «Go get ready, boys.»
As both drow climbed up the stairs to Sebastian’s room, he shifted a bit closer to Nere the second they were out of sight. «You did earn it.» He said, smiling. «More than once.»
The other’s ears got even more flushed. «Thank you. And-» he looked over the studio’s door, frowning. «Are you alright leaving him here?»
Sebastian sighed. «No. I am not.» Chewing on his bottom lip, he entered his room, taking off the coat and sitting on the bed. «Very much not, but I don’t think he wants to talk. Especially to me.»
«He’s alive and still himself, because of you, he could show some gratitude.»
He let out a sour laugh. «Yeah… I’m not sure he’ll see it like that.» He summoned his familiar, the big grey spider turning its eyes up to him, awaiting his command. «It could keep an eye on him.»
«Or many.» Nere looked unconvinced.
«If anything happens and it disappears, I’ll know something’s up and we can-» the spider clicked its jaws, skittering at the ready. Sebastian remembered Astarion getting really uncomfortable with it every time it got summoned. «He hates it.»
«You shouldn’t blame your familiar, it’s a fine specimen-»
«It’s clichè.»
Nere’s silence told everything he was trying to hide.
«Fuck this, I got it.» Sebastian capitulated, going to the bedside table to pull out a candle. He rummaged in the Bag of Holding for a few additional ingredients, placing them on the floor. «Pass me the charcoal…» He asked Nere, lighting the incense around the very confused spider. « He likes cats, of course he likes cats, everyone fucking likes fucking boring-ass cats. » He kept mumbling while working on the summoning, cursing Gale and his damn flying cat and every other annoyance.
Nere sat on the bed, watching him, helping from time to time with keeping the incense and herbs smoking. Every time he passed him something, their fingers would touch for slightly more than necessary. Sebastian couldn’t help but notice it.
«Well, Mith, you’ll be a bit different.» He told the not-for-long spider familiar, evaluating his work. «I’ll turn you back to normal, eventually.»
The spider didn’t really reply, and when a puff of black smoke surrounded it and dissipated around a fat, fluffy grey cat, Sebastian looked at it with a bit of concern. «How does that feel?»
The cat raised a paw in front of its face, skeptical. Then it showed claws, yawned and stood on his only four legs, big tail pointing up.
«I think it likes this.» Nere said, reaching out a hand to touch its side. «It’s softer.»
The cat looked at him, pondering for a moment. It meowed, then rubbed its head on the hand.
«Maybe next time we can turn it into a fish. Or a bird. So we can see what it sees- Ouch!» He pulled back, his index bitten. «Why?»
«I don’t think it likes the idea of becoming a fish.» Sebastian commented, crouching in front of it. «You keep your only two eyes on Astarion, alright Mith?»
As he opened the door, Nere hesitated. He stared at the floor, clearly brooding about something. «Would you… like for me to stay as well?» He finally asked.
Sebastian stopped abruptly, surprised. «Why?»
The other huffed. «You’re worried. For him. It’s like… it’s like in the Gauntlet of Shar. They needed you at your best, but if nobody would have stayed there for me, you’d-»
«We’re not in a ruined temple full of undead foes.»
«I know that! Nere’s not an idiot. I’m just saying, if you need me to, I’ll do it. Nere…» He sneered, looking away. « I still owe him one.»
Is this a trick? Sebastian pushed away that thought, trying his best not to doubt his intentions. They had talked, they had cooperated until that point. Nere knew Astarion was important to him, and he had done his part in protecting him against Cazador. Still…
«Will you two behave?» He tried to use a little humor, but it really didn’t come out as he wanted.
Nere’s red eyes coldened. «You still have doubts about me?»
He bit the inside of his cheek, mind racing. «I know I shouldn’t. Not after everything you’ve done. I apologize.» He said eventually. «But are you sure?»
Nere nodded, stiffly. «I don’t need to interact with him, I’ll just be downstairs studying some arcane spell, since I can go through your stuff.» A smirk turned up his lips. «But do come back quickly. I’m a very fast learner and most of the interesting books are in the same studio he’s squatting in.»
«Will do.» To thank him, Sebastian pulled him by the shirt, raising on his toes and kissing him deeply. «I’ll make sure to provide every tome and scroll you could possibly want.»
Nere’s hands settled on his hips. He pushed his tongue in, locking him in place before pulling at his bottom lip with his teeth. «You better.» He let him go.
Sebastian stood for a second in front of the studio’s door, heart racing. «Astarion?»
A few moments passed before the elf answered with barely a «Yes?»
«We’re leaving for the House of Grief to help Shadowheart. If you need anything, just… I’m sending someone in, alright? You don’t have to say anything, but we’re worried that-»
“Just send the damn cat in!” Nere scolded him, annoyed. “Time to go.”
Sebastian slapped his arm, barely a pat, but he made the familiar disappear and resummoned it on the other side of the door. For an instant, he was tempted to peek through its eyes. No. If he wanted to be seen or talk to me, he would have opened the door. He forced himself to walk away.
***
Nere settled down on the table, checking once again that he was alone down there, even if he already knew that. He pulled out the scroll he had retrieved a few days prior from the studio, cursing yet again the damn leech who was always squatting right where Sebastian kept his most prized magical artifacts and spells.
Maybe that too was on purpose. The spawn could literally set his ass anywhere else, but Sebastian had put him right between Nere and his arcane collection. How much of an idiot could I be not to notice it sooner? He scolded himself, frantically opening his own grimoire on a partially scribbled page featuring a still almost blank magic circle and a series of half-done instructions.
With care, he unlocked the spell scroll and set to work, trying to figure out the minute but terribly intricate text and copying it on his own book. Tough, but Nere had always liked a good challenge.
The basics of all Enchantment spells were similar to each other, no matter how complex the wanted result was, it was just a matter of layering. Only for that particular spell it was less layering and more of a whole ordeal of incantations closely tied one to another in a precise succession that could very well mean Nere’s doom or survival.
He was so absorbed into his work that he noticed the figure standing over him only when it cleared its voice.
«What are you doing here?»
Nere jumped on his chair, instincts kicking in and having to stop himself from blasting half the room to hide his plans. Instead, he just shoved the scroll under his books and loose paper, counting on the fact that it was all written in drowic. He stared back at the spawn, flaring his nostrils. «Somebody had to volunteer to keep an eye on you, everyone else is pulling their weight.»
The darthirr grimaced. «Why you though?» Sebastian’s now-cat familiar trotted behind him, jumping on the table and scrutinizing the both of them with its pitch black eyes.
Nere shrugged, checking that the scroll was well hidden. «I owe you a debt. I’m paying it back.»
«You think I’m too stupid to figure out this is probably just another way to get rid of me?» The other replied, circling around the table, eyes darting toward the pages.
«Think whatever you like, it is of no interest to me. And neither are you.» He tried to put himself between him and the pages.
«What are you doing, then?» The
iblith
asked, raising an eyebrow. Then, before Nere could do anything to stop him, he snatched one of them as quickly as a snake. «Does
he
know or are you hiding back here for a reason?»
The drow clenched his jaw. «Can’t you tell for yourself, leech? Oh, right, it’s Drowic.
Our
language.» He couldn’t help his lips to curl a bit when the other’s expression turned a bit sour. «And besides, of course he knows I’m taking his scrolls, he gave me permission to peruse his library whenever I like.»
«Right… so, amuse me and my lack of knowledge when it comes to speaking the one language no one on the surface ever speaks; what terrible purpose will this spell serve?»
«Subduing an annoyingly meddlesome leech into silence.» Nere answered, way too conscious that he knew only the basics of Common and nothing else of any real usefulness.
The spawn flashed him a toothy grin. «You’ve already wasted your chance with that.» He handed back the paper, sitting rudely on the table itself, just inches away from the ink and pens.
When he did, Nere noticed his arm was slightly shaking. Observing him more closely, he looked even paler than usual, dark circles under the eyes. «You should eat.» He said, returning his attention to the spell with a sigh. He had hoped to make a little bit more progress...
«It seems my favorite vintage has gone bleeding elsewhere.» The elf ran a hand through the cat’s long fur, scratching its head, and glanced at him with his head tilted. «If I were to walk outside looking for prey, would you have to report me to the big bad drow master?» He patted the cat’s ear, pensieve. «Or is he already listening to us?»
«He can’t, not at this much distance.» Nere explained, rolling his eyes. «But you’re not supposed to run around anywhere until they return.»
«Are you my captor? Is this how it’ll go from now on?» The spawn leaned toward him, the hint of a threat in his voice. «Did you take a liking to it?»
Nere scoffed. «I would trade you for a bag of dead rats, leech, don’t oversell yourself.»
«So you’re just afraid that if I get lost under your supervision, he’s going to take it out on you.»
The drow had exhausted his patience. «Want to leave?» He nodded at the door. «Fuck off, then. But you can barely stand from what I can see, let alone fight off a startled guard or a particularly feisty child who doesn’t want to end up like dinner. But it’s not my problem, I only have to keep an eye on you here and make sure no one enters this place and kills you. Just as you did in the Gauntlet. That’s it.»
In the few moments of silence that followed, Nere could almost hear the gears in the spawn’s mind working and clanking to toss out some coherent answer.
«I remember doing a bit more than that, if we’re being honest.» The spawn pointed out, a sly grin coming back on his lips. He raised a hand toward the drow, lowering at the same height of his abdomen. «I stitched you up.»
Nere’s ears flared at the thought of the ugly scar hiding under his clothes. «Yes, how curious that you’re usually so skilled with a needle but when it really counted, you couldn't do a decent job.»
«That’s not true.» The elf suddenly turned deadly serious. «I did. I was almost elbow-deep in your fucking blood back then… I did my best, but in case you don’t know, flesh and fabric are two completely different materials!» He lowered his gaze, picking up the cat in his lap. «I did everything I could so you wouldn’t bleed out. Not that you deserved it.»
Nere bit down a harsher reply, only saying a «we both know you did it for him.»
«Yes. I did.» The elf let out a sour chuckle, his gaze still on the cat. «Not just then.»
The drow shifted a bit on his chair, uncomfortable. «Do you regret it? Not… performing the ritual?» Of course he does. Whatever that love thing is between him and Sebastian, it can’t possibly compensate for giving up that much power. Just to be sure, he readied a spell, in case the leech decided to make him pay for having tied up his mind and wandered through his brain.
The spawn tsk’ed. «I bet you’re so relieved. Gods, I could have wiped the floor with your sneer.»
«That doesn’t answer my question.»
«I don’t owe you any answer.» The leech shut him off, showing fangs. «In fact, you’re the one here owing me some healing. So… how about pulling your weight , was it?»
A shiver of disgust ran down Nere’s back as he realized what the other was talking about. «I’m not letting you anywhere close to me.»
«Oh, but I remember us being quite close a few times-»
With a growl, Nere threw himself at him, grabbing him by the collar and summoning his magic, burning the hems of the spawn’s shirt as puffs of dark smoke swirled around them. «Shut. Your. Mouth.»
The spawn’s eyes showed a spark of fear before hiding it behind more snarky remarks, chuckling a bit with the little air he had left. «I was just joking….» He raised his hands in surrender. «Let me go. I think I’ll try my luck out of here, after all. The menu is certainly more appealing.»
Nere opened his fist, dissipating the magical energy. The cat stared at him in disapproval. He’s not gonna be happy if he knows I let the leech out of my sight. And he wasn’t done with the spell yet, following the iblith around town would only make him waste more time…
«Fine. I’ll let you drink some, but then we’re even. For everything. I don’t owe you a single thing.»
«Oh?» The elf’s ears perked up, suddenly focused entirely on him.
«And you will shut up and let me finish my work down here, minding your own business upstairs.»
The leech’s lips parted in another grin. «Deal… shall I make you comfortable or-»
«You stay where you are.» Nere interrupted him before he could think of some foolish nonsense, unsheathing his dagger from the belt he was wearing. He walked up to the counter, opening a cupboard and taking out a glass. With an annoyed grimace, he stared at his own bare forearms. «Damn leech.» He cursed, before slicing the skin and spilling warm blood, collecting it like it was some deep dark red wine. Flashes of memories surged up in his mind remembering a few of the rituals he had been forced to perform for his mistresses, but he pushed those thoughts and the feelings that came with them deep down where they belonged: buried.
He tossed the dagger in the sink and pressed on the wound, wrapping a hand towel around it. I'll put some salve on it later. He stared down at it, frowning, before washing the dagger and walking away. «Drink and be gone.»
The leech, who had kept his eyes on him the whole time, didn’t look away even when picking up the glass. He carefully sniffed it, almost as if he was checking for poison.
«It’s blood.»
«Yes, exactly, and you still have the Periapt.»
«I know. But you’re the one starving, not me. You’ll have to jump, metaphorically speaking.»
«It seems I’m ending up trusting people way too much for my taste, lately.» The spawn replied, wetting his lips with blood that stained his almost translucent pale skin. His tongue lapped up a bit more liquid. «As you are.» He took a sip, then another, gulping down the content. When he emptied it, he scraped the glass with a finger, sucking at the tip while locking gaze with Nere. «It’s just what he does, isn’t it? He’s good with that. People following him. Trusting him.»
«What do you-?»
«Don’t worry, I’ll uphold my end of the deal.» The leech interrupted him again, putting down the glass and picking up the cat instead. «I’ll be upstairs, like a good pet.»
As he watched the elf walk back up and hide in the studio, Nere could only think that he indeed wished the iblith had just been a pretty pet. But alas, Sebastian’s too weird for that…
He sighed, going back to sit at the table and opening his work once again after applying some salve on his arm, trying to set his mind back on incantations and mind-altering spells.
Sebastian would be pleased when he returned, knowing Nere hadn’t allowed the leech to go outside. Maybe if he wasn’t too tired after facing the Sharrans, Nere could treat him good, take care of him and make him happy.
Maybe if he’s pleased enough, I won’t even need such a risky, taxing contingency plan.
***
Viconia de Vir.
The last of the De Vir, as far as Sebastian knew, her house had been destroyed a couple centuries before… «How pathetic.» He said, nonchalantly trying to catch his breath after the tough fight with the Sharrans.
At his side, Jaheira scoffed, casting a disgusted look toward the jalil on the ground. «I had wondered if she had gone back to the Underdark… Instead, I see she brought her sordid little patch of darkness to the city with her.»
«Oh, c’mon, the Underdark’s not all that bad-»
«I was talking of what’s in her heart.» The druid cut him off, raising an eyebrow with a serious expression on her face. «You’re different.»
Sebastian didn’t really know what to reply to that, so he just stayed silent, following Shadowheart toward the chamber where her parents had been all that time.
«She really thought she could order you around to hand me over to her…» The half-elf spoke as they walked on. «She had no idea who she was dealing with.»
«I could have.» The drow admitted, clenching his teeth when a nasty cut in his upper leg pulsed as he brought weight on it. «By all accounts, a jaluk would have obeyed… and even if I was an exceptionally defiant one, a Sharran army would be of more use than a single lone Selunite.»
Shadowheart turned, frowning. «So, why didn’t you?»
«Because I’m too fucking scared of Karlach and Jaheira, obviously.»
He managed to pull a tense, unconvinced chuckle out of her. They had gotten in front of the massive metal door. The cleric stopped, holding her breath, hand pressed over it.
Sebastian felt the weird impulse to join her, hands just a few inches apart. He looked at her, nodding slowly.
Viconia and Shar’s game had been a shrewd one, making her torment and then forget her mother and sire. He didn’t know if it felt more of a torture for her, knowing now what she had done, or for them to be subjected to such treatment by the hands of their own daughter. But one thing was certain, looking at her: what they had done to mould her into the perfect tool, had instead been just a crack into her true form. It was maybe an imperfect, sometimes fragile one, but it was her own, walking her own path just as she had done since choosing to spare the Nightsong.
Sebastian wondered with a mix of fear and envy what it felt like, to defy a goddess so blatantly.
Shadowheart took a shaky breath, locking eyes with him, an unspoken but ever-present doubt haunting them. They opened the door.
Two figures were each magically bound to a pitch-black mirror, runes inscribed all over the frame.
«My parents!» She sprinted onward, and Sebastian followed.
There was an elven male and a human female, he could sort of see the resemblance, especially with the sire. As the elf noticed them, though, his gaze steeled with a grunt of pain. «Another vile trick!»
«No,» the woman chimed in, voice shaky «there is no trick. It’s Jenevelle. Jen. Our little girl.»
Shadowheart moved closer, relieved. «I’m here to get you out of here, it’s over- Ah!» She screamed, almost falling on her knees as the magical wound on her hand pulsed and tore her skin open, a foul divine power surrounding her.
Sebastian’s blood froze in his vein as the whole room disappeared around them: they were back into the Shadow Realm, back to being insects ready to get squashed by the Goddess. Shar loomed above them, the sheer power of her sole presence making them tremble.
«It is not over.» She spoke, and her voice was the rumbling of a tempest and the soothing of silk. «It matters not if you raze this place, if you slay every one of your brothers and sisters. That was never where my power resided. Every time you try to step away from me, every time you try to reach for Selune, my hold on you bites deeper. If you had learned, if you had obeyed, there would be no pain. But you struggle on. You make things worse for yourself. And for them.»
Her words were meant for Shadowheart, but struck deep into the drow’s chest as well.
Struggling foolishly, making things harder than they’re meant to be. Just obey, just fit in. Why inflict such pain upon yourself when there’s an easier path ahead?
For a single, terrifying instant, it wasn’t Shar towering over him, but another, more frightening presence. The skittering of spiders, the wails of those who had failed her-
«Enough! I’m taking my parents away from here. From you!»
Shadowheart’s voice broke through, and Sebastian was once again back in that room, under the Sharran temple. He took a mouthful of air, his lungs burning.
«You cannot.» The imprisoned elf said. «We are still bound to you. You cannot both free us and free yourself from her curse. The Moonmaiden need you more than she need us. You are the future. We are the past.»
«Eloquently put.» The Goddess spoke again. «His mind stood up well to his time here. The same cannot be said for your mother. This is my final lesson. I leave you now, to dwell on your mistakes and make your choice.» And with that, she was gone, and they were left alone.
«I… don’t understand.» Shadowheart looked up, toward her parents, than back at Sebastian, looking for answers.
No, not answers. What Shar wants is clear. Sebastian realized, feeling a similar pain arise again in his chest, something he thought he had buried deep enough. Just a reason why she had to endure all of this. Why did she have to suffer through this? What was the point of it all?
He feared he knew the answer. It was the same reason that moved all the goddesses and gods.
How they like to see us suffer for their own amusement.
Shadowheart’s sire knew it too. When Sebastian met his gaze, the elf nodded.
«Help her understand, please. I know you do.» He pleaded. «Help her see what must be done.»
The drow couldn’t find his words. «She… you need to choose, Shadowheart. Them, or… yourself.»
Her green eyes widened in horror. «No! I came here for them!»
«And you did. You found us. All these years we knew you were still there. That you would break free.» Her sire said. Her mother nodded, agreeing on her courage with a frail voice. «You saved us. Now save yourself. You’ll be out of Shar’s reach and we’ll be at peace.»
«But I only just found you again, after all this time!» Shadowheart shook her head, raising her voice. «I can’t lose you again…» She turned to Sebastian, as if he could give her a third option, something to grasp onto.
But there wasn’t, goddesses are cruel like that.
She’s hurting. She came this far, and for what? Sebastian thought, horrified. «It’s either their freedom or yours. Everything you did to get up to this point… it leads to this.» He said, his heart pumping in his ears, deafening. Clicking of fangs, tapping of too many legs, a broken cry. He clenched his jaw, taking a deep breath, then another, ultimately setting his gaze into Shadowheart’s eyes. «You’ll be hurting either way. Maybe forever. Maybe not.» He spoke, barely a whisper. «Only you can decide what’s worth suffering for, and what you’re ready to sacrifice.»
If I could go back, would I make the same choice I did?
Shadowheart’s gaze steeled as her resolve came back. «I didn’t come this far just to give up at the final hurdle.»
With that, the choice was made. She’s choosing the harder path, she’s willing to sacrifice herself and what would be better for her, in order to help those dear to her.
Absurd. Foolish. Every bone in his body was urging him to discard that as weakness, and yet, when the half-elf got to hug her parents after all that time, Sebastian only saw strength.
That left him with a sour taste, his wounds stinging like poison.
As Lae’zel and Wyll escorted Shadowheart’s parents out of there, Sebastian, Karlach and Jaheira stayed back at her side, walking around the temple.
They met Nocturne, who turned out to be the only person who the cleric had been close to as a young follower of Shar, before even those memories were taken away from her. They set her free, unsure whether they’d see the tiefling again.
Finally, Shadowheart took a last look around her, over Viconia’s dead body, taking in all those corpses and destruction. «All of this… and they never mattered. Not really.»
«You did.» Karlach said, a big smile on her face. «You showed her.»
«I wish I…» The half-elf shook her head, sighing. «I need some air.»
«We’re right behind you.» Jaheira nodded, a tired smile on her face. «I can host your parents in a Harpers’ safe place, just give me a bit to set things up. We have an entire floor in Elfsong’s, I think it’ll be better than to settle them too in your house… won’t it, Sebastian?»
Her raised eyebrow made him scoff uncomfortably. «It’s already a bit crowded for my taste.»
After Jaheira and Shadowheart walked off, Karlach and Sebastian were left alone in the main chamber, surrounded by corpses and the still lingering smell of burnt flesh and scorched stone.
«And I thought you liked it crowded, soldier.»
He turned to the tiefling, frowning. «How fun.»
«Tough day, thought I could lift the mood.» She checked her greathammer, looking down at her feet. After a few long seconds, she spoke again. «What do you think about Shar and her curse?»
«Does it matter? It was her choice-» a whisper, barely a whiff. But it called to him, made him walk toward the ritual chamber where they’d found Shadowheart’s parents.
Another mirror, bigger than the rest and previously dormant, had lightened up. Swirls of darkness and something akin to a stormcloud moved within, luring him closer.
«Soldier…?»
He ignored Karlach, raising a hand until he almost touched the metal frame.
“ Surrender your pain, forget your sorrows .” A voice crept into his mind, chilling and dreadful.
Shar. Why would she speak to him now, why would a Goddess concern herself with a no one like him, a mere jaluk, and someone travelling with a rogue cleric who had just turned her back on Her?
“ I know you have thought about this many times. Why deny yourself the comfort of oblivion? Why keep hurting with your dwelling about the past? ” She continued, and Sebastian felt a shiver of temptation up his spine. He had thought about it, many times. To get rid of that wrenching pain, to forget about his voice, his light touch against his skin, the taste of his lips.
“ You could finally become who you were always supposed to be. ” The Goddess’s voice was cold, yet her promise sounded sweet in his ears. His wounds were bleeding; they had been for too long. Wasn’t it time to finally heal, to fix whatever was wrong with him?
A clean, fresh cut from the past.
“ Power beyond what you could ever achieve now .” His magic had been acting strange since he’d fled to the surface. All those nights spent clawing at his own skin, rattling of chains and clicking of fangs haunting him in the dark…
“Sebastian!”
No, that wasn’t his name, not really. A mask, nothing but a pathetic little disguise for a scared, weak, pale image of the Master he was-
“ Sebastian! ”
Something slapped him full force, straight in the face. His right arm, elbow-deep into the mirror, was yanked back as Karlach pulled him away and held him against her body, skin burning him with heat and vapour coming off the valves. «Come back to me, soldier! C’mon!»
It took him a moment longer to be able to move, pushing back against her chest, hitting her with his knee with scarce results, the Weave out of his reach. «Get off-!»
She locked her arms around him even more, pulling him up and dragging him down the dais like he weighed nothing. Only when they got far enough did she let him go. «What the fuck were you thinking?!» She screamed in his face, shaking him. «Have you gone mad?!»
He groaned in pain, finally breaking through with his magic to Misty Step a couple feet back, escaping her grasp. «Calm down, Karlach, I-»
«No, you were babbling something in drowic and then you put your hand in that fucking thing, I called you but you couldn’t hear me and… I got scared, soldier, what the fuck?!» She sniffed, the valves on her body blowing off some more heat. «Don’t ever do that again, Sebastian!»
That name gave him a bit of a sour taste in his mouth. He tried to speak back, but the words wouldn’t come up. The voice in his head was gone, but the pain in his chest was still there. Always there, always clawing at his ribs. He drew a breath, a hand closing around his forearm, digging his nails into old scars and new ones. One. Another breath. Two. His back had now almost completely healed up but he still remembered the stinging, blissful pain Sorn and Nere had-
With a gurgle, air got stuck into his windpipe. He tasted bile, guts twisting.
He barely had the time to turn to the side before he retched on the floor, doubled over, shaking uncontrollably. He grasped at a stone column, desperately trying to stand up.
Eyes closed shut, cold shivering in his body, he wiped his mouth. Pathetic. How could he be such a sad, disgusting piece of rotten shit, why did he even bother to-
«Soldier?» He heard Karlach take a step closer. «Hey, how are you feeling?»
He forced himself to straighten his back, taking another deep breath. «I’m fine.» He had to repeat it a couple times, and still he didn’t think he sounded convincing enough. «I’m fine, Karlach.»
She looked like she wanted to put a hand over his head or some other weird things she usually did, but also like she knew he didn’t want to be touched. «What did you hear? Was it Shar?»
Another breath. «Just empty promises. We need to go.» He turned, exiting the room with heavy steps. She trotted behind him, getting as close as she could without actually touching him. They climbed the stairs toward the surface in a heavy silence, Sebastian struggling with every step.
«You know…» Karlach opened her mouth, as they were reaching the entrance. «It’s always worth it. To remember things, I mean, even if it hurts. It’s what makes us… us.»
The drow turned sharply to face her, snarling. «What would you know, anyway.»
Her face hardened. «You’re not the only one who’s been through shit.»
«Yes, you’ve been in Avernus for ten years and Zariel carved out your-»
«I wasn’t talking about Zariel!» Karlach interrupted him, gritting her teeth in anger. «That bitch can go fuck herself, Gortash too, but that’s not what hurts to remember. Remembering that just gives me a reason to fight until I can get back at them, best I can anyway.» She sniffed, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. «I’ve lost people too. People I cared about. My parents.»
«That is just the way of things.» Sebastian replied, dryly.
«Doesn’t matter, it still hurts. Hurt so much I went to work for fucking Goratsh, back then.» She shook her head, clenching her fists. «It hurts to remember their faces, their voices, the smell of my mother’s cooking or the sight of my father's nose buried in the morning paper. And yet, you don’t want to forget those things because if you do, you have nothing to hang on to. They’re part of you.»
«Maybe I don’t want to hang on to that.» Sebastian blurted out, annoyed. «Who in their right mind would ever want to hang onto the knowledge of having…» Caused all of that. «And it’s not like you killed them yourself.» He added in a whisper, angry, but mostly at himself. «You were just a child. I wasn’t. I should have known better, and yet I didn’t.» A slither of terror made his way once again into his chest, closing its claws around his heart. «I still don’t.»
«Look, I don’t know what happened exactly, but I’m sure-»
«No, Karlach. But you’re right about one thing: it is part of me. It’s my biggest mistake, it’s what has made me so fucking weak.» He spat, digging his nails even more into the flesh of his forearm. «And the only thing I can do is not make it again.»
Before she could reply, he scurried off, out in the busy streets of Baldur’s Gate, under that disgusting sunlight that should have hurt his eyes, blending with its crowd of lowlifes.
All those colours, the annoying chit-chatting, the bustling market, and the cries of sellers and newspaper kids… he hated it.
And yet it wasn’t about him.
Maybe he couldn’t, or didn’t want to, forget about him - about Trelgath , he forced himself to think his name out loud - but he could make damn sure not to repeat the same mistake.
He could suffer the consequences of his own foolishness, of his own weakness. He already was.
They shouldn’t.
This time, he’d make sure to do anything he could to give them what they wanted.
Maybe, if he did everything right…
they won’t leave me for something better.