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Nadia never liked it when her best friend Marie only talked about boys. She just didn’t get it. What was the thing that made boys so interesting? She definitely couldn’t think of anything. Yet, she didn’t mind it when her younger brother Adrik pointed out girls he found pretty. Probably because he was her family: They talked about everything.
Then, Marie finally got together with the boy she always talked about: Sergei. Nadia still didn’t understand it. It was war, they certainly had better things to do than making out. Furthermore, Sergei wasn’t even that handsome, or kind.
Nadia spent hours third-wheeling with the couple. Marie was only kissing her boyfriend and she barely gave Nadia attention anymore when it was them three together. It annoyed her, but she also had no others to sit with during mealtime, so she endured it. The hours they spent without Sergei were amazing as always, after all.
Marie always told Nadia that it would be her time soon. Didn’t she like that boy over there? Nadia kept shaking her head, no matter which boy Marie pointed at. She really tried, but she genuinely didn’t find them handsome, or cute.
She felt lonely often. When it was mealtime, she sat next to Marie and Sergei, but in reality, she sat alone. They didn’t mind her, but also didn’t notice her. Nadia didn’t speak a single word, besides asking for the salt. She ate her eggs in silence.
Who else should she sit next to? Adrik had his own friends, like Leoni. Nadia also enjoyed her little conversations with Alina Starkov, but there was no way she could sit next to her. Alina was the sun summoner, a living saint. She certainly had better things to do than accompanying a lonely squaller.
—-
It all changed when the Darkling attacked the Little Palace. Marie got killed and Nadia lost her best friend. She mourned her. Though they talked about boys a little too much to Nadia’s liking, she loved her friend to death. Literally, apparently. Marie had always made her feel happy, like a funny feeling in her stomach. Nadia had never felt that before with the little amount of friends she had in the past. Nobody could be compared to Marie.
In the White Catedral, where the Grisha had moved to after the Little Palace became ruined, Nadia started to bond more with Sergei. They both grieved Marie, with her beautiful brown girls. They spend a lot of time together, talking about her.
Nadia felt lost without Marie. She had been her only friend. All the other grisha, already had friends and she couldn’t just interrupt their conversations. “Hey, I’m Nadia and I don’t have friends. Be friends with me please.” No way she was saying that. There were few others that sat alone during their meals. Zoya, but she was rude and scary. Genya, but the freshly-scarred girl didn’t speak to anyone, most of the time she did not even leave her room.
There was someone she liked to be friends with, though. Alina had two new guards: A gigantic boy who liked poetry and his twin sister, a deadly girl with axes. The girl, her name was Tamar, looked very… interesting. She looked really kind, yet dangerous. She had a certain beauty over her, which Nadia liked. She didn’t know what it was, but she just was drawn to her.
When Alina announced that somebody had to give Tamar a tour around the buildings, while Tolya guarded the sun summoner, Nadia volunteered. She noticed the surprise on Alina’s face: Nadia had always been the shy one. Especially around girls, for some reason. She thought it was probably because most of the girls were judgy. Guys weren’t, so she never was as nervous around them.
She got the task to show Tamar around. Alina probably thought too that Nadia needed some company. Not that she minded her pity, though. She was curious about the new girl that had arrived and this was the perfect occasion to talk to her.
—-
“You’re Nadia, right?” Tamar asked her after dinner, ready for her tour.
“”Yeah, I am,” Nadia said, hoping the other girl wouldn’t notice her nervousness. “You’re Tamar?”
“That’s right!” Tamar sounded much more confident than she did.
“Let’s start the guided tour then!” They started walking, while Nadia pointed out everything.
“Here are the bathrooms, these are the bedrooms…‘
“Which one is yours?”
“This one,” Nadia stood still at one of the doors. Why did that question make her more nervous? “Most of the people share a room, but I don’t. My–” Did she want to tell Tamar about Marie?
“Hm?” Tamar noticed her hesitation and looked truly interested. That was new.
“My best friend, Marie, got killed in the fight. I don’t have other friends, so I don’t share.”
Tamar thought about that before she spoke. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you. I miss her.”
“I’m sure she was a wonderful girl.”
“She was the prettiest girl I ever met.”
“Why don’t you have other friends?”
Saints, what a personal attack.
“People seem to not like me.”
“Why not? You’re really nice.”
Nadia was bad at receiving compliments. They gave her this weird, shaky feeling in her stomach.
“Eh, thanks! I think it’s because I’m really introverted and I’m way too shy to talk to people.”
Tamar nodded thoughtfully. “I get it. Talking to people can be scary.”
“When I trust someone, I can be really chaotic and talkative, though.”
“I’d like to see that side of you, Nadia. You seem like a great person to be friends with.”
That definitely was too many compliments. The weird feeling in Nadia’s stomach became bigger and bigger and she felt herself blushing.
“I’d like to be friends with you too.”
Tamar laid a hand on Nadia's shoulder and smiled. Nadia smiled back. They couldn't find the right words to say, but they both felt a new friendship blooming.
—-
They continued the guided tour through the White Cathedral. Soon, Tamar had seen everything and they were back at the bedrooms.
"Do you wanna see my room?" Tamar asked.
"Sure!"
They walked to another hallway, one a bit farther away. Nadia knew this was where Alina slept too. Logic, of course Tamar and her brother would sleep near her room.
The room looked a lot like Nadia’s. The walls had the same colors, but this one had two single beds, instead of one large bed. One bed was neatly made, the other was messy. The blankets laid half on the ground. A pajama shirt was thrown on top of it.
Tamar quickly smuggled it away under the covers. "Sorry, it's a bit messy."
"I see," Nadia laughed. "It's okay! I'm nobody special, don't feel like you have to clean up for me."
"What?" Tamar looked up immediately.
"Huh?"
"What did you just say?"
"That I'm nobody special and you don't have to clean up for me?"
"Yes, that! What do you mean?"
"I don't think I get it," Nadia asked unsure.
"You say you're nobody special."
"Yeah, that's true."
Tamar looked so confused that Nadia started laughing.
"You are special. Why do you talk so negatively of yourself?"
"Uhm, well–"
Tamar's brother entered the room, interrupting Nadia.
"It's time for your swift, Tam."
"Oh!" She looked at the clock and realized how late it already was. "I have to go, sorry Nadia. I'll see you later!"
"It's okay! Good luck!" Nadia said, while they left the room together. She went back to her own room, Tamar headed to Alina.
Nadia didn't know how she felt. She was both disappointed she couldn't talk to Tamar anymore, happy she made a new friend and delighted she didn't have to answer that question. She also felt something different, but she didn't know what it was. It felt weird, like someone had thrown bouncy glitter in her stomach.
—-
The next morning during dinner, a now familiar voice interrupted Nadia’s thoughts.
“Good morning! I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for yesterday.” Tamar went to sit down on the seat next to Nadia.
Nadia looked confused at her. She couldn’t remember being stabbed by her, or something like that.
“For having to leave so suddenly, you know,” Tamar clarified, while she took a bite of her bagel.
“Ohh! It’s okay, don’t worry about it!” Nadia assured her.
“Well, I have the whole day off, so we can hang out whatever we want! I’m quite curious about your room now.”
Nadia tried not to choke on her food. Saints, what was wrong with her those days? She was shy, but not this awkward, right? Of course, she did choke. She coughed, and coughed, and coughed. Her whole face turned red and she gasped for air.
“Saints, Nadia! Are you okay?” Tamar slapped her at her back, and when that didn’t work, she made some movements with her hands.
Suddenly, Nadia could breathe again.
“Sometimes it’s quite handy to be a heartrender,” Tamar grinned. “Are you okay, though?”
“Yes, thank you!” Nadia took a sip of her tea, delighted to be able to breathe again. “And I’ll gladly show you my room!”
—-
Soon, the two girls became close friends. Nadia overcame some of her shyness too. After a few weeks, she befriended Genya, and sometimes she even talked to Zoya. It was weird: She felt less awkward with them, but felt weirder with Tamar every time. Yet, she trusted Tamar more than Zoya and Genya.
She felt weird a lot of the time. Just as when she was a little kid, she felt like there was something wrong with her. As a young girl, she had always been an outsider, the weird kid. She didn’t talk about boys, she didn’t want to do kiss, marry, kill with them. She wanted to kill every guy, but that was not an option. She preferred to play the game with girls. That was more logical, right? She actually knew the girls, so she had a better view of their personalities. They couldn’t know if they wanted to marry a guy if they had never spoken more than a few words with them, right? For Nadia, it made so much sense, but the other girls at her primary school quickly didn’t want to play with her anymore.
They called her a creep, but Nadia didn’t find herself a creep at all. Marrying, kissing or killing a boy she didn’t know, wasn’t that much creepier? The bullying only became worse when her powers started to show. When she got angry sometimes, wind would start to come out of her hands. Once, she accidentally made an exceptionally mean girl fall over. It truly was an accident, but no classmate liked her anymore.
Her bond with her parents was bad too. Mother hated her for her powers and the trouble she apparently caused at school. That the other kids bullied her was something she totally ignored. Another reason they fought a lot was the way the young Nadia behaved. She sat like a boy, with her legs spread. She never wanted to wear or do girly stuff, and hated any romantic story her mother or aunts told her.
Mother wasn’t nice for Adrik either, but Nadia always protected him. He would never get as beaten up as she did, she promised herself. When the testers had come and took them to the Little Palace, she had been nothing but relieved. The people there were nicer. Nobody bullied her for being a squaller anymore. There were people just like her. She still had a hard time with friends, but she met Marie, who took her under her wings. They became best friends, and everything was alright. Even though a war started, she and her brother were safer than they ever had been.
—-
On one of the days she felt weird, like something was wrong with her, again, she went to the library. Nadia had skimmed through almost an entire shelf, when she saw an interesting looking book. The colors on the cover caught her attention, just as the letters written on it. It seemed like they were just random letters, no way lgbtq was an actual word.
Half an hour later, she was reading the first chapter. One hour later, she was bawling her eyes out.
Chapter 3, lesbian.
She had read the chapter twice and it felt… right. It was as if puzzle pieces connected in her brain. Maybe this was why she never talked about boys. Maybe this was why she always felt different. Maybe, just maybe, but probably it was not a maybe, but a for sure.
For the first time of her life, Nadia felt seen.
—-
Two months passed, in which Nadia thought about herself, her feelings and her past a lot. She read multiple books, even talked about it with Genya. She was sure of it now. She liked girls, even though girls weren’t supposed to. Or well, that was what her mother always told her. It took Nadia weeks to accept it was okay to like girls.
“Adrik?”
“What’s up, Nad?”
“Do you know what a lesbian is?”
“Yes, I do. Why?”
“Ädrik… I think I am a lesbian. And I think I’m in love with Tamar. Sorry.”
Adrik looked his older sister in her eyes. “Don’t be sorry for who you are! I love you, you know that right? I’m your brother! I totally accept and support you, dear sister.”
Nadia started crying. She had been so stressed about this moment. What would happen if her brother, her best friend, didn’t love her anymore? She wouldn’t blame him if he had disowned her as his sister though. She barely had accepted her sexuality herself. But he did support her! She was so delighted.
“Thank you so much,” she said. “I love you too!”
Adrik hugged her, and they just sat together for a few minutes. Two siblings, who had matured at a young age, yet they were young and had a world full of experiences and self discovery in front of them. Two siblings, who both liked girls, but loved each other no matter what happened. They would be okay.
“I can’t say I’m surprised, though.” Adrik said when they let go of each other.