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"What does being a child feels like?" Fred mumbled quietly, as his eyes were on a little girl holding on both her parents' hands, happily giggling as they swang their arms slightly.
John and Mary looked at their younger companion, stunned by this sudden thought that occured in the boy's mind. They watched worriedly as Fred looked down, detaching his gaze from the child.
John had proposed Fred to accompany Mary and him on a walk ; an habit the married couple accomodated themselves to, a moment where they would tell anything that came to their mind. John knew that even though she acted like it wasn't the case, Mary started this habit so John could vent out his negative emotions after Sherlock's 'death' ; But even after the latter's return, they did not stop going on walks and seeing Fred looking alone, the two decided to propose him to come as well.
There was a silence, before Mary smiled softly. "Being a child... I don't think I can answer that question." She replied, earning a curious look from Fred.
"But you were a child, right Miss Mary?"
"Of course, and so was John. And so were you."
John's gaze went to Fred, who blinked. His eyes looking at the dirty tiles of the street, then back to Mary ; Staying quiet, looking confused.
"Then...why can't you explain...?" Fred asked, tilting his head to the right.
"Well...I'm not sure I remember what it feels like either." She replied quietly. "What about you John dear?" Mary asked her husband who put his fingers on his chin, thinking about his answer deeply.
"Hm...let's see...I don't think I can explain either but for me, being a child is, feeling safe. But feeling safe in the way you do not think the world can hurt you." The doctor replied and Fred blinked once again, frowning.
"That doesn't feel right...I never felt safe in the world." Fred replied before his eyes widened in realisation, earning sorry looks from the Watsons.
"Oh. I see." He said in a sigh, looking back at the kids in the distance. "I guess that's explains a lot."
There was a silence before Mary and John looked at eachothers, as if they were communicating just from their eyes and nodded to eachothers.
"Well, there's still many things that are considered childish that you can experience. I think there's a circus not far away, how about we go take a look? I'm sure it'd be fun."
Fred hesitated for a moment, not sure what to do. His mind kept telling him to refuse, not to disturb the couple's usual walks in town...
"Sure. If you're fine with it."
And it's with starry eyes that Fred looked at the trapezist dancing in the air, as the people around him cheered.
From the corner of her eyes, Mary smiled warmly. Seeing the young man so invested, she couldn't help but chuckle softly.
"Are you perhaps a circus person Fred?" She asked.
"I- I think so...? I'm pretty sure it's my first time in a circus but, it feels...familiar somehow."
As the ringmaster announced the next act, John mentally noted to himself about the feeling of familiarity coming from the circus. He knew the spy's past was a mystery and that William and the others tried hard to figure out what happened to Fred ; And when Fred was questioned about it, he couldn't answer.
"Dissociative Amnesia." Was John first thought when Fred expressed his lack of knowledge about his very own past, but he never said anything. Because this is Fred's quest of identity, I cannot intervene.
"That was a lot of fun." Fred said with a shy smile as they walked away from the big top.
"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself." Mary replied brightly.
"Well, where should we walk to next?" John wondered.
They traveled through London's streets, when Fred stopped, looking at something from a shop's window. The Watson didn't disturb him, nor asked why he stopped but went by his side looking at what picked the young man's interest.
"Oh my, how pretty!" Mary said gently.
What got Fred's interest was a doll ; a really pretty one with blonde hair and blue eyes. Her little dress was red with cute decorations and she wore a little headband that was perfectly accorded to her outfit.
"Indeed, it's quite pretty. You like it Fred?" John asked, with a kind smile.
"Huh well...I guess...Her dress just reminded me of one of my costumes." Fred vaguely replied before walking away, probably embarassed to show anymore interest in the doll.
As his footsteps guided him, he thought about the conversation he had earlier with the couple ; Is being a child only about safety?
"Mama! Papa! Look at the cute dog over there!" Fred's eyes went in a little girl's direction, who excitedly showed a cocker dog a man was holding, accompanied by another little girl.
"Oh his name is Felix!" The girl who walked beside the dog replied.
"It's such a pretty name!! I wanna have a dog too!" The first girl cried to her parents.
"I mean...we could use some company." The mother replied as the little girl cheered.
"When you have your dog,let's walk them to the park together!"
"Oh yes! Let's do that!"
Fred's gaze went to the parents who laughed at the excitement coming from their childrens, with such kind and sweet gaze, as if their kids are their whole world.
"Maybe this is what being a kid is all about... having parents." Fred thought. And with that in mind, his heart ached.
Fred never knew his parents, and considering he don't have any birth certificate, they surely didn't consider him their whole world. Or maybe they did.
There was no way Fred would know now.
And he probably will never know.
Somehow it hurts ; knowing he will never feel the parental love he unconsciously always yearned for. He will never feel the joy of being a child.
Because Fred has never been a child, in his head, he was always an adult.
"Fred!"
The spy blinked, looking behind him, seeing John and Mary approaching, a box in John's hand.
"Ah...my bad, I started walking away..." Fred apologized. "Did you buy something?" He asked pointing at the mysterious box in the doctor's hands.
"A gift, for you." Mary replied, as John put the box safely in Fred's hands, and what was his surprise when he flipped the box and saw the doll he looked at earlier.
"That's- did you...?"
"Well, you looked like you really loved that doll, and who knows you could use it as a reference for a future costume." John commented with a chuckle. Fred's eyes were glued to the doll, her blue eyes shining as the sun started to retire himself from the sky.
"Y-You...You really didn't have to...I mean- I'm happy but-"
"This won't make up for your lost childhood but, we wanted to show you what being a kid is like." Mary suddenly said, with her ever so tender smile. "And we hope you had fun with us today."
It hurts.
Why did Fred's eyes hurts so much?
It feels like they're about to burn.
And why is the air suddenly so hard to breathe?
"A-Ah...I...huh..."
"You can cry Fred, it's normal for a child to cry."
"Woah ~ such a pretty doll you have here Fred!" Billy exclaimed as he looked at the doll sitting on Fred's bednight table.
"Oh thanks. I'm glad you like it..." Fred replied with a shy smile, before feeding some seeds to a bird.
"I really do! I never saw a doll quite like this one? Was it a gift?" The American asked, looking back to his friend.
Fred stayed silent for a moment before smiling softly.
"Yeah...my parents brought it for me."